Expectation vs Reality: The Anniversary Edition

This weekend was a special anniversary for me. I’ve been with my partner for 17 years. Call me sentimental but i like to honour that. So, when our favourite summer music festival changed the dates on us, we (naively?) thought we could still all go and enjoy ourselves.

Typically, my partner and i go to the Hillside by ourselves for most of the weekend, and bring the kidlets on Sunday. It’s a win-win: we spend the day outdoors listening to music we love, and the kids stay at a pool with their cousins for the day. This year, as the festival dates fell right on our special day, we tried to have the best of both worlds – take the kids to the festival AND be all romantic like.

It almost worked.

We decided to take the kids camping at a nearby conservation park. One that was part of the early days of my dating life with my partner. We are by no means camping experts, but we go each year. This year, we jumped on a recent sale and bought a 6-person tent. One that my partner (all 6 feet of them) could stand in. We also treated ourselves to those fold-up chairs. So fancy. What we didn’t plan was the tantrum both kids threw when we told them there were no more caves to walk to and discover. That the first night away from home is always a shit show. That the Elora Quarry was too full at 2:00 to allow us to go swimming. That they couldn’t finish that world’s biggest lollipop on an empty stomach. All this was on the Saturday, which was my special day. MINE.

In the midst of all this, my son lost his newly bought souvenir. He’s been wanting ‘real gold’ for a while: why, i have no idea but it’s a thing. And so when we found this dig-your-own gold nugget toy, we treated him to one. In the span of an hour, he forgot where he left it. We were already back at the camp site when he wanted to dig for his gold. Our tensions were already high from the shit show i mentioned above. A part of me really just wanted him to Learn His Lesson for losing yet another belonging. But another part of me wanted to just turn the day around. I went with that decision. He and i ended up having a lovely scavenger hunt for it in town (kind of like pirates we are!) and no we didn’t find it. So what did this great and understanding parent do? I bought him a new one. Yes i did. We told the store clerk what happened and she said ‘you’re the world’s best mom.’ No, i’m not but i did tell her i did it for me too – it would make MY day better too: and he did learn a lesson – we agreed he was going to pay me back

Call me selfish i guess. I did get the best hug ever after from lil c, and he made sure that all his body was hugging mine. And, did he found gold? No. He lucked with a plain ole rock. Has he left it in his pocket and forgotten about it? Yes he has.

Ahoy matey!

But, we all had a good night’s sleep in this massive tent, with our cozy sleeping bags. And we went to Hillside recharged and refreshed. We selvedged the weekend and had a glorious time at our annual summer music festival.

One thing that i will especially treasure if my older kid (lil c) has recently discovered his own style of music. He appreciates music and performance and jumped right in there appreciating it all: This is what i hope to give him with our annual ritual of going here. My youngest (Miss M) was happy just to go around and around (and around) on the homemade Merry Go Round.

While it wasn’t exactly what i wanted, i did get to enjoy a favourite musician, eat great food, and see the night sky. I got to cuddle with my sweetie and remember why we are still going strong 17 years later. That counts for something and i’m so glad we honoured our tradition. I love this chocolate – the names were as much action as i got this weekend. But the chocolate was amazing.

All the Feelings- Part One: Mom Rage

I never thought I’d be this angry. Or this often.

Who knew that things like
– My daughter not wanting to wear underwear under her dress
– My son refusing to get dressed for school
– My children bickering with each other for the 100,000th time this week
– My daughter threatening to not eat dinner/lunch/breakfast unless she gets candy
– My son tripping over the Lego he didn’t put away
– My children bickering for the 200,000th time this week
– My daughter refusing to pee even thought it’s been hours since the last time
– My son refusing to poo even though his whole body is ready to explode
– My children bickering for the 300,000th time this week

Really, I had no idea that I would be this mad when I became a parent. It’s a bit of a regular thing these days. I am working on it: I have to, I know. If not for the fact that I help others with their feelings, but also so that my neighbours don’t wonder why my daughter is calling me a stupid butt face. Again.

I used to be so happy, relaxed, easy-going… Well, maybe not all three all the time. But each concept is definitely something I remember feeling pre-kids.

I love all the books out there. I especially love the idea of Peaceful Parenting ,Playful Parenting and Simplicity Parenting. See the trend? It sounds so easy! They all sound good and I know they work. I also know that my kids, especially my youngest, are just not developmentally at a place where they know how to regulate their emotions and problem-solve. I also know that Non-violent Communication works and it takes time. But kids’ attention spans aren’t so conducive to long chats about feelings and compromises.

I have learned over the years that my children’s bickering is a trigger for me. While in know i must have bickered with my own sister, i remember more clearly that i wasn’t allowed to be angry with my parents. I also know that the trigger i feel in my body in response to their defiance/stubbornness/automony is that i don’t recall having a right to those feelings when i was a kid.

So, it’s a bit of dance. These feelings of wanting them to not be afraid to speak up for themselves, and to be ok with feeling angry. I know that anger is not a bad feeling, and i’m trying to teach my kids to catch it in them before they explode. And i’m trying to do that for myself too.

I love the charts and posters and reminders i can find on Pinterest that give me pause to explain why Child A is upset. I also love all the suggestions on Pinterest that encourage me to walk away, hold my rock, breathe, and be Zen with my anger. But hello, have you met a quick tempered 5 year old who does. not. allow me to go to my room for a minute? I remind myself that she hasn’t learned to regulate her emotions yet, that her brain literally hasn’t developed that oh so important tool.

I am a bit of a brain geek right now and i love how it is keeping me present with what is going on right before my eyes. The book Whole Brained Child is a great tool for instance. There is a great summary of the book here, that highlights some good tools to use to help your kids with their own feelings.

As to my own journey, one thing i’ve learned is that i can forgive myself for being human, to repair my relationship with my kids after we bicker, and i can model both how to take care of myself and be in control of my anger. I’m not such a fan of the term ‘mom rage’ as it minimizes the anger, and it assumes that only moms can be angry over trivial things like all the times my kids hand me their garbage to put away. I’m not a garbage can. I guess that’s another story. But my point is that i have learned how to catch my anger rise, and to take care of myself. Its’ not so ugly or scary anymore. I just wish my kids could just hurry up and develop this tool as well.

What are some things you do to help you when you’re about to lose your shit? I could use some new tools.