Finding Joy

I recently took the reigns of my Mother’s Day agenda. It was a way to ensure that i got the day i wanted. I also did a similar thing when i took over the plan for the Mother Blessing for my second child. What’s that saying about insanity is when we keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting new results? Well, let’s just say this is a way that i can ensure that i am getting what i want – by being in control of the plans.

Don’t get me wrong, i know i can’t control everything, nor do i want to (hello micromanaging!) but i do want to make sure that a special day that is supposedly about honouring me, is in fact done in a way that i FEEL honoured.

So besides the usual breakfast in bed (that i did ask for), time to myself, and not making dinner, one other thing i asked for is to watch my favourite movie of all time with my family. As an 80s baby, i saw Goonies as a kid, and about 40 times since. The last time i saw it was almost 9 years ago, during the birth of first-born: It was in the early stages of labour, as a tool to relax and get my mind off what was present.

Fast forward to Mother’s Day 2018 and we all sat down and watched it together. Now, i do have problems with some of the offensive story lines and portrayals for sure, and looking at it through an adult lens is definitely less fun. But, watching it with my almost 9 year old was priceless. Now i get that credit card commercial – it truly was something that i could not replicate or pay for. We howled with laughter, we sang the Cyndi Lauper song, and we now say to each other two of best lines ever – “it’s our time down here” and “Holy Mary mother of God”. I had to explain that one. One line i hope they can learn soon is “Goonies never say die.”

So i found some joy that day.

I found it again when i had to ride my daughter’s bike home. She had been having a especially hard moment with her father, something to do with wanting a different kind of ice cream at the grocery store, you know, the everyday plight of parents everywhere. I think she was hangry but they were stuck. I went to rescue him and my son, and stayed with my daughter while she got her Window of Tolerance back to a good place. It didn’t take her long as i was a new neutral energy. But that meant taking her home in my arms instead of her riding her bike home. So i had to go get it later.

Her bike is a vintage yellow bike with long pink tassels and a watermelon basket.

If you have seen the movie Goonies, you will know this reference, but if not go see the movie ASAP and then you’ll get this next reference. I could have walked the bike home the 3 blocks to my house. Instead i biked home. It seemed like the more reasonable choice. It was also that more fun one.

I grinned to myself ear-to-ear all the way home. I didn’t care that anyone saw me, and there were oodles of cars around. Instead i fostered that Radical Acceptance that it is what it is – i’m on a wee kid’s bike – and claimed the moment. When i got home, my family and lots of neighbours were out and i said – “Hey who am i??!” It took a moment but then they got the reference: I was the big brother on his chase to get his little brother back. I was that big adult peddling a too small bike, trying to save the day.

I realized that in my life, one area that i need to nurture beyond all the responsibilities in my life is one that holds space for Joy. And i want to encourage that in my children. So recently, when were went to a popular outdoor antique market, my son found an awesome helmet from one of his favourite shows. Like anyone, when he gets something new, he wants to hear or use it as much as possible. So here he is at a park in our city on an incredibly busy day. He wore that helmut as much as he could that day. And he chose Joy.

It can be hard to find this daily, and i know that not all of us can ride a child’s bike – but i encourage you to find ways to bring more joy in your life. It’s a form of self-care and self-love after all. It nourishes you, keeps you positive and focused on living the life you love. It can be small simple acts like an amazing new smell, a too-fancy-for-the event pair of shoes that make me feel kick-ass and ready for anything (see my example up there) or a decadent weekend away. It can be that deep hearty laugh that you haven’t had in months.

Here’s to finding Joy.

Happy Mother’s Day

As today closes, i wanted to take a moment to honour the day. I know there are some of us that today would have been hard – both for our own relationships with our mothers and also because we are not mothers as we wish we could be.

I work with women who are mothers but don’t have their children in their lives. I support women who are wanting to be mothers but haven’t yet be given this gift, i also am a mother who has experienced miscarriage as so many of us have. There are families who have had to go through IVF and advocate for their right to be parents. And there are more still of us who have lost our own mothers. Today may have been a ‘made up holiday’ as some are quick to mention. But it is a special day nonetheless, where classrooms, storefronts, and TV spots alike all highlighting the fact. It definitely makes it hard for those of us that are triggered by today.

I read about the history and significance of Mother’s Day. Did you know it has some roots in peace and anti-war work? While it has been celebrated for even longer, our more recent version was created by a mom in the late 1880s who was frustrated that she had to mourn the loss of her child. In fact, the first era of Mother’s Days was to acknowledge the loss mothers feel when their children die. It sure has changed since then.

This year, i made a point to request (demand?) what i wanted to do for today. I got to stay in bed and read. I got a delicious homemade brunch in the comfort of my own home, and we got to stroll around a neighbourhood i love. Yes there were sibling squabbles between the kids, yes there was a near-disaster when having dinner out, and yes i had to remind the kids it was my special day. But for all that, i did create that time for me. I am one of the lucky ones. And i got to hear that i was the best mommy from both my kids. My son’s tooth fell out, and i got to carry my 5 year old for a few blocks more than i should have. All in a day’s worth. And very fitting for today.

I bought this shirt recently. It was a gift to myself. I love the way it calls to me – both that it reminds me that i am strong and that being strong to me is a personal thing. I don’t want to be strong like anyone else, or to feel that being strong means to not cry, to be invincible. I also know that mothers can be strong for using an epidural, for not using any meds during birth, for adopting, for nursing for 3 years, for weaning when it was best for us, for yet another month without conceiving, for challenging someone’s oppressive view of who a parent should be. Strong means sometimes asking for help, and it can also mean just letting go of our own expectations and giving in to the tears. Strong mama does not mean being strong like a man. Whatever that means.

I wear this shirt to remind me to be strong when i don’t feel like it. And it remind you too, that we are in this today – we can be ‘strong like a mother’ in any way that works for us. It’s a good mantra. We may need that reminder at times, and that’s okay. Being strong is knowing what we need, and doing what we have to do remain strong. It doesn’t have to mean stubborn, but rather staying true to what’s important to you.

How can you be strong as a mother? I encourage you to find a way that fits for you. Happy Mother’s Day to all of us.