I just celebrated being with my partner for 26, 20 of these years officially married. It has not always been a smooth ride, and it was the bumps along the way that deepened our commitment. We are lucky in that way, and also we worked on building a strong foundation together. Our path together has been a meandering one, with shifts and turns over the years. It has always led us together, even when I’m a few steps ahead: He catches up.
What does make us more lucky is how our work has offered us more access to tools, resources, and strategies. Oftentimes, it is said that our parents are who model relationships and conflict for us – that how they treat each other sets the stage for how we expect to be treated. If we only had our parents as models, I know that I would not have made it. Not because our parents divorced (because neither pair did) but rather what was modeled for me was to stay together even when unhappily married, to not do the work to become stronger, to not be each other’s rock, and to not take the vows seriously.
I never saw my parents go on dates or boost each other up. So, you could say that my parents were an inspiration for me – about what not to do.
Studies show that happiness in an intimate relationship truly has a positive impact on our health and life expectancy. I heard someone share that they were at a wedding and a game was played to see who was with their partner the longest. The point was to celebrate longevity, not depth of happiness. Our society has a warped view of seeing commitment and loyalty as the core values to aspire to.
Let me exclaim this from the rooftops, or from my 90’s boombox: It is not enough to grow old together. We deserve to be seen, supported, valued and loved along the way.
Mutual Growth happens when in a healthy and mature relationship. We are meant to grow in the world separately and come back together stronger, not be threatened by what each other does when we’re in the world. We are meant to rest in each other‘s presence, not need breaks from each other. That doesn’t mean we only find ourselves in each other, but a partnership is home base. We are not meant to make our partner happy. That is their work. We are meant to experience mutual delight in our shared experiences of life. That is what fosters aliveness together.
When I started to go to women’s festivals and weekends away, my partner was at first threatened by it. Not that he thought I’d meet someone else, but that I would find myself and not want to come back to him. And so that initial worry turned into a catalyst for him to start doing his own work in finding himself alongside my journey. That is what a healthy relationship is meant to do. We’re meant to inspire each other, to become better and stronger separately so that we are even more solid together.
In honour of our 20 years together, we celebrated with an intimate ceremony where we marked ourselves permanently. Getting tattoos was a way for us to be bonded together as well as declare this commitment formally, in writing if you will.
When i was dreaming up my own sigil, i wanted something that honoured the elements (namely fire and water) as well as a nod to a compass or directional energy. (I am just noticing as i write this that the root of compassion is compass, and not just com-passion.) My partner had just read The Chalice and the Blade by Riane Eisler and so we noticed the synchronicity to these symbols too.
My commitment fuses the elements as a compass back to love: Air offers us a chance to listen so that we can connect together; Fire gives us alchemy and transformation through passion; Water teaches us how to be more intimate by offering space for our feelings; and Earth reminds us to root together. At the centre is Spirit, a reminder to trust our inner knowing.
I have learned that a sacred and true union is one where:
*Physical proximity does not match the closeness that is fostered by emotional intimacy
*You make each other laugh
*You inspire each other
*You are each others biggest fan and supporter
*You can feel you lost self around the other
*Individuation happens as we hold trust and respect and my opinions and views are heard.
*Time apart doing things we love is healthy
*You still find the other delicious, grey hairs and all
*Maturity and growing together creates the long road
*They takes your needs and feelings seriously
*True partnership embodies maturity
*Celebrate life, not love alone
There are many theories about love, many resources for healthy relationships, and attachment theory “experts.” I have previously shared Susan Campbell’s 5 Stages of Relationship Building myself. Another theory i love that displays various types of love is Sternberg’s Triangular Theory. And yes, since it’s based on a triangle, i loved the way it connects to my tattoo and the elements.
Ultimately, love is an ever-emerging vessel that moves with us. It expands when we let our heart out of its safety cage. It also needs care and attention, treated with dignity and respect, and always, always seen with reverence. When we close ourselves to love, and the work it demands of us, we close ourselves to the reward of true belonging.
In his book, Matrimony, Culture, and the Heart’s Work, Stephen Jenkinson urges us to remember that matrimony is the inner domain of creating a family culture. One thing that my partner and i have come to agree on is that anything that is built on ceremony, commitment, and connection is worth working on. It is also a long game, so we can’t always know where we are going, only that we want to move along this life path together and alongside each other.