Author Archives: Vania

Healing Attachment Wounds

Posted on by

Last month, i shared what Attachment Theory is, via the model of the show This is Us. I may have left you hanging with some thoughts (and possible worries) about your own attachment style. If that did leave you in limbo, i’m sorry. I also hope it motivated you to go to some links and resources to learn more about this body of work. This quiz is a great place to start to learn what your main Attachment Style is. Ironically, how we wait for support (or anything) is a sign of our Attachment Style.

This month, i’m back with some follow-up suggestions to share.

For one thing, i think it’s key to know that our attachment style is not permanent – it can be altered, repaired and heal. We also can have secure attachments with someone, and not so secure with others. In fact, there is a term for when we become securely attached – ‘Earned Secure.’ This is when we may have faced adversity in our childhood, and have become secure now, through therapy or loving relationships. This is because our attachment style is a state, not traits in us that remain stagnant. So, strategies can help us become more secure in our relationships.

There is hope yet.

In order to talk about healing our attachment wounds, we need to also check in about our boundaries. Did you know that both overly rigid boundaries AND permeable ones are responses to the same thing? Yup, it is connected to our earlier insecure attachment style: There was once a time when we didn’t feel safe, so we needed to self-protect.

The rigid boundaries and walls we make to keep people out as well as the people-pleasing response (or fawning) are both powerful adaptive strategies to feeling alone and scared.

While rigid walls were helpful as a child, they becomes an issue when we no longer need to be protective in present day relationships. It’s in our relationships now that those old tendencies and protective strategies can actually interfere with meaningful and deeper connection with others.

Fawning, self abandonment and rigid boundaries are all related to our nervous system’s need for survival, due to developmental or relational trauma and attachment wounds.

Speaking of which, i also want to point out that a relationship rupture is not the same as attachment wounds. We can make mistakes in our relationship, and repair them. Like if we forgot we agreed to something, or we are stuck in a rut. What makes it a deeper wound is when the rupture brings up old wounds that are steeped in attachment, abandonment and rejection. Or the incident is a betrayal of trust in the relationship.

Dan Siegel came up with the 4 S’s of Secure Attachment. While it’s geared for adult-child (parent/caregiver to child) relationships, it can be translated to any relationships. In order to feel SAFE, SEEN, SOOTHED and SECURE in relationship with someone else, our internal system needs to include physical security AND a felt security. If you want to learn more about his approach, here is an article with Tina Bryson, his co-author.

This is why there is a connection to our survival responses of Fight Flight Freeze Fawn and our attachment styles. A rapid flight/fight response in avoidant people sees others as a threat. So their nervous system brings out their Protectors. Avoidants do not rely on external supports but rather trust the handy work of their own Inner Firefighters.

So, what do we do? Here are some helpful strategies that may be supportive:

A) Attunement
Attunement is about signals: In order to know how we feel with others, we need to first know in ourself what we need. This takes some inner reflection and interoception work. One place to start is to learn what your triggers are. Ask yourself some questions like: What happens in your body when you feel abandoned or lonely? What emotions are being signaled? What are you saying to yourself about yourself at the time? When we can have this felt sense of self-awareness, we can follow through with the right remedy or resource to self-soothe or reach out for connection. What helps you personally – does swaying (a movement that mimics being swayed or rocked as a baby or in utero). Does going for a walk in nature help? What things help you feel more calm and centred? When we intentionally ask ourself what we need in a given moment AND act on it, that is healing attachment wounds in the here and now. When we can do this for ourselves, it makes it easier to ask others to meet our needs and trust that they will.

We have a human Need to attune, to our Self and others.

B) Be Seen and Belong
Gordon Neufeld speaks about the need of an Attachment Village. It is imperative to be seen as an individual and be loved in community for who we are. Think of someone in your life that helps you feel safe, soft and seen. We need only one other being that we feel seen by, so a village can start with just 2 members.

Stephen Porges (of Polyvagal Theory) calls this resource finding your Super Co-Regulator. It can be a maternal figure, or a cherished friend. What they do is emit a neuroception of calm and rest. They emit a “Social Releaser” from their body energy; something that releases in our bodies in social connection with others. The key is in their tone of voice, their compassion, and kind facial expression. It happens with socially engaged creatures similar to birdsong – when birds call to each other, or when wolves howl to each other in the night.

This can be challenging when our avoidant Island style has made it hard to be vulnerable and meet new people. So start first with gentle efforts like saying hi to other participant’s in your yoga class, or talk to other parents while waiting to pick up kids after school. Or maybe sign up for that pottery or Tarot class you have been wanting to make. Then reach out and say hi to another participant. Ask them to go for coffee after class. Swap social media contacts. I know it’s hard to make friends as adults – trust me!

“The infant and young child should experience a warm, Intimate, and continuous relationship with (their) mother (or permanent mother substitute) in which both feel satisfaction and enjoyment” (italics are mine to reflect inclusive language) ~ John Bowlby

C) Co-Regulaton fosters Connection
Co-regulation is an awareness of someone else’s experience and responding to it. Even the most securely attached relationships are attuned only 30 to 50% of the time. We can miss the bid for connection. What helps is to repair the damage caused (especially within 48 hours of it happening). For instance, think of when baby has hunger cries and the caregiver responds with nourishment. The baby’s interoception of hunger is validated, and their social engagement system is regulated. Our basic need for safety is having a felt sense of interoception.

Mentalization is the term for the effort the mind makes, the ability to understand actions by others and oneself in terms of thoughts, feelings, wishes, desires. It is about seeing ourselves from the outside and others from the inside : ‘back and forth, back and forth – the ability to see ourselves in another, and another in ourselves, is the gift of a loving relationship”

A high pain tolerance is not always a good thing – our distress in others can be due to developmental trauma, when we could not rely on others when wounded, hurt, or needing care. Similarly, it’s hard to reach out when our internal world feels sacred, whereas the external one carries shame; shame is an attachment wound and it thrives in isolation. So asking for helps is especially vulnerable or triggering.

Connection Bids help us feel seen and connected to others. John and Julie Gottman first came up with this practice. Also, one great complement to bids is to learn how to communicate effectively, as this is a key component in helping get what we want.

You know that feeling you get as you put on your favourite cozy sweater? That’s what co-regulation with an attachment figure, feels like for a child” ~ J. Milburn

D) Mutual Delight
One of the benefits of healthy relationships are the shared delight in an experience. While we want to feel secure in the relationship when we are apart (i.e. due to work trips, living apart, spending time with separate friend groups), we also need to feel that shared delight in doing things together. These moments of mutual delight are catalysts for tender feelings for each other, as well as building memories of stored good and gentle experiences together. When people spend time together doing things that are enjoyed, each member can feel a sense of belonging. This is crucial for building secure attachment.

I think this is why the pandemic has been so hard on relationships – couples, families, friends and colleagues. We have been kept apart and being together still feels scary or awkward. I think our attachment styles have been threatened with this collective trauma. It helps to start small, with something that is an easy delight. Maybe an ice cream date, or a shared meal at a favourite restaurant.

I love a good acronym as a resource. It helps my brain keep the info on hand. Jessica Fern’s book Polysecure has a great tool called HEARTS. Each letter represents a different practice that helps us build secure attachment with others as well as ourselves: H is for being here and now; E is for expressed delight; A is for attunement; R is for rituals and routines: T is for turning towards each other after conflict; and S is for secure attachment with self.

“Regardless of the source of our vulnerability – internal or external – the conditions that satisfy our attachment system’s set goals are primarily internal. We have to feel Felt.” ~ Bethany Saltman

Let’s look at the 3 types of Insecure Attachment now and see if we can get a further understanding of their needs.

Anxious
As you can see from reading my previous article on attachment styles, as well as these GREAT RESOURCES, someone who lives with an Anxious Attachment Style can become preoccupied with pleasing others in order to fit in. What can show up is Toxic Positivity and people pleasing practices in order to have some connection. Anxiously Attached folx are hypoboundaried, meaning they do not have clear boundaries because they fear being abandoned. So they will be more willing to please and follow along to not threaten the separation. While this may sound familiar and also daunting, there are some great and gentle ways to help you repair this pull.

Heal Your Inner Child – you may be been parentified, a saviour, a taught helper. So spend time with reconnecting to your own Wounded Child Part. What does she need right now? How does she want to be loved? What ways can you play with her? One of my favourite exercises is getting creative with a craft activity from my childhood. How about making some beads with polymer clay, or maybe making slime. Put together a play list or watch a show from that time in your life. The key is to witness and nurture her.

When our Inner Child starts to feel loved and seen, the instinct to please others will not be as strong, because we are connecting with our Self. This will be especially helpful and reparative when it comes to dating, so that we don’t self-sabotage our own needs in order to remain in relationship. This article shares more about our how attachment still can impact our sexual relationships. Find ways to grieve what your Inner Child experienced and also ways to not continue the pattern in your adult self now.

Avoidant
Similar to the benefits of taking vitamins for our health, Contact Nutrition is the formula of helping us feel connected. I first learned this from Carmen Spagnola who studied with Diane Poole Heller. There are 5 vitamins to practice: Kind Eyes, Soft Voice, Safe Touch, In Tune Rhythm and Shared Meals. So, when you are starting to feel the pull away from someone, see if you can track their eyes, voice, or reach out and touch them. Try sharing a meal with them and track how your body feels in this communal ritual.

Another way to help stay regulated and centred when it feels too much is to self-soothing resources like Orient to the Space or Find Your Edges. Both are breath exercises that look at your space externally and internally. I love this resource when i am starting to feel overwhelmed in a busy space. I contact a painting or item and then find its edges. I breathe more intentionally, i sigh out a sense of relief and calm. Other steps are breathing out the sound of Voo (a resource from Peter Levine) or saying “I am Safe, I am Home” softly to yourself. This is how we soften our bodies so that we can stay with someone longer. People who have an Avoidant Attachment Style have hyperboundaries and are rigid because they fear becoming engulfed or enmeshed with someone else. So we are trying to thaw and self-regulate before falling into a Functional Freeze State.

It’s important to acknowledge here that when we talk about healing our attachment styles and relationships, i am NOT talking about staying in an abusive relationship or reconciling with someone who hurt you. The repair work can happen with other people. Self-Compassion work can be radical because it reminds you of your dignity and right to live free of fear of someone hurting you. It also means treating others with that same respect and care. It is about having grace for mistakes and learning that repair after ruptures are key ways to heal attachment wounds.

“Self compassion is a Practice of building a secure attachment for the first time” ~ vania sukola

DisorganizedIf you have experienced family violence or partner abuse, it may seem hard to think of someone who has been a support to you. It may feel challenging to trust someone again. One resource that can be helpful is to create one. This is a Competent Protector (something i also learned from Carmen). Have you seen any of these old movies when a doll, mannequin or statue comes to life? It’s a bit like that. While similar to a Recalled Resource or Attachment Village, this resources is one that is created and more of an internal resource. Think of what qualities or traits would be important to you. Think of consistent care examples in others that you know personally or have seen on TV. I also like to blend parts of people i admire or feel safe with and put them into this creation.

After creating this Protector, spend some time in their presence. Do a self-guided visualization and see what happens in your body. Place your hand over your heart and do some Vagal Breaths. In Narrative Therapy, there is a similar resource called the Recalled Resource. This is an intentional practice of recalling someone who was an example of a secure attachment, even if temporary. Maybe it was a teacher, or a family friend, or even your family pet or stuffie.

Speaking of which, if it seems hard to think of another human, don’t start with one – people can can be assholes. Instead, think of how you feel in community with a favourite tree, in a swing, or with your pet now. Some of my favourite Competent Protectors of being in the water (a lake or ocean especially) or sitting under the Full Moon.

One other way to work on healing this attachment style is to reach out to a therapist. This resource can help you feel more anchored and get to a felt sense of stability. Therapy sessions are not real life, so they are a great way to practice in vivo. This is especially powerful if a rupture happens with your therapist, and you can repair the therapeutic alliance in a safe way.

Attachment wounds happen in relationships so we need to heal in secure relationships in the present. The first steps are trusting we are worthy of right relationships, building our capacity to stay within our Window of Presence and take some risks.

You’re worth it.

This is Our Attachment Styles

Posted on by

I am a fan of the show This is Us. I love it for several reasons – It makes me release the tears i hold in my body, i appreciate the genuine and honestly imperfect relationships and characters, i am glad to see diversity represented, to name a few reasons. While there is so much to appreciate, one particular gratitude i have is how the show depicts attachment and relationships.

You don’t have to watch the show or even like it to see attachment theory as a repeating guest in its story. I promise not to intentionally share any spoilers, and yet i can’t help but notice the way Randall, Kevin and Kate, known as The Big Three (the 3 main characters are triplets) showcase the various types of attachment. It’s a good reminder that personality, our own genetic make-up and our resilience are all factors in how our attachment styles show up.

First, let me give you an overview of Attachment Theory, from early childhood development to how it manifests in our adult relationships later on in life.

Generally speaking, there are 4 different attachment styles where young children (before the age of 3) start to attach to their primary caregiver – Secure, Ambivalent, Avoidant and Disorganized. Thanks to the good work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, we have a better sense of these categories. The differences can be found in many great resources like HERE OR HERE. But to summarize, a Securely Attached child is one who trusts that their primary caregiver has their back, will respond to them with love and attention, and will come back when needing to be apart. An Ambivalent child has some trust that their parent will be there for them, but because sometimes they weren’t able to comfort them (for whatever reason), the child is unsure (or ambivalent) about how much they could trust their adult. An Avoidant child does not entirely trust their caregiver either, but they are more dismissive or avoidant in their reaching out to their adult. As you can imagine, a Disorganized Attachment is one where abuse, neglect, violence or other forms of trauma get in the way of building a healthy bond.

In the show This is Us, the family experiences a tragedy in The Big Three’s late teen years. Diane Poole Heller speaks extensively on how trauma impacts attachment Prior to that, you can see how the children each had their own relationships with each other and each of their parents. You can also see how the death of their dad, Jack (spoiler from season 1) impacts them into their adulthood.

The latest seasons unpack this even further. We get glimpses of their lives growing up and how their relationships with their mom form. The show really is about how trauma impacts a family, and how different attachment styles play a further role in how we move in with our life.

According to Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Attachment is formed by these 6 stages of proximity, sameness, significance, love, belonging and being known. Watching this show, you can see how these stages play out in The Big Three’s childhoods. It is reassuring how they created a way to acknowledge both their differences and sameness as all of them love the same sports team and going swimming in their local pool. In their adult life, the siblings continuously show love, significance and belonging with each other, even with all their different paths in life.

The show moves between past storylines and present-day experiences. As we see both time periods as the same time, this makes the impact of attachment that much more explicit.
Our attachment styles are formed in childhood, and take years to fully develop into any style. When we become adults, that original style typically stays present as our current relationships reinforce it. Or, we heal or shift our attachment style. Some people heal old attachment wounds and form healthy secure attachments with their partners or friends; others get stuck in abusive unhealthy relationships that put cracks in their formerly secure attachment. Stan Tatkin has adapted the Types of Attachment from childhood to reflect on these early attachment styles present themselves in Adulthood. This helps us understand both our love/intimate relationships as well as how we connect to our friends.

The Anchor
Randall is the most securely attached, both to his parents and how it shows in his relationship with his partner and children. Ironically, he has further intersections of trauma that could have played a more key role in how he attached. Scenes from their childhood show that he is the most securely attached to his mom of the 3 siblings. There are some episodes that show how his anxiety is related to his enmeshment to his mom, where he feels responsible for her. It may be because he doesn’t want to lose her as he did his dad, as well as his biological parents. Some of this may stem from his early Attachment Trauma Wound and race as he is black and was adopted into a white family. For many years in their childhood, they struggled with how to intentionally connect to his roots and identity.

It is important to note that our behaviour and personality does not all stem from attachment. This balancing act reminds us just how crucial nature and nurture is in families. Randall has experienced feelings of anxiety since he was young. A way it manifests in his teens is how committed he is and how he cares for his mom even at the age of 18. Now as a committed husband and doting father, he demonstrates how a healthy family can be born.

Memory recall plays a key role in what to look for when reflecting on our attachment styles. Attached people can describe all memories coherently, both positive or negative ones. Adults who are Dismissive don’t remember as much, or idealize parents; Preoccupied adults are wrapped up in those past hurts. These differences become evident in the show, through The Big Three as they recall their dad’s life.

The Wave
Kevin is an actor and he married his high school sweetheart when they were still teens. He has had a harder time committing to any relationship, but always shows up for his family, even when it’s messy showing up. He has struggled with how to take care of his grief and it comes out in unhealthy ways – his originally adaptive social side became maladaptive when it led to a struggle with addiction. He quickly refocuses his love for his partner, who he married at a young age. After the breakup, he struggles with healthy relationships for years.

His need for connection, being seen, and belonging keeps him in the loop of casual relationships and sexual encounters without connection. He commits hard, but then quickly spirals into a worry that he is either not good enough, or the relationship is not what he needs. He is like that perpetual wave; he’s in for a bit and then out. His work life reflects this even more.

Looking back, with the help of more recent seasons, it is easy to understand how torn he is with his grief and guilt regarding the loss of his father. This too is a powerful reminder of how trauma and attachment wounds are instrumental in carving out our life paths as adults.
Just like personality, delinquency is not connected to attachment all the time – risk taking is necessary for adolescence development. It’s when someone becomes more anti-social that is linked to attachment needs not being met.We have learned through research about childhood and adolescent resilience that children typically respond to adversity in three different ways: Promiscuous and Risk-taker, the Perfect Child, or Withdrawing to be Invisible.

Some of what shapes us is our attachment style, as it can be inherited by how our own parents modelled connection and bonding. This is where the concepts of Legacy Burdens (a concept from Internal Family Systems), generational patterns or procedural learning come in. We also are shaped by how our family is reflected in the bigger systems and society. This article showcases what makes a ‘healthy family;’ attachcment is just a part of the bigger picture.

The Island
The sole woman of The Big Three, Kate shows the most powerful transformation for me. Spoiler alert: she was able to heal her former insecure attachment and now become both securely attached as a woman in her adult relationships as well as start to heal the old traumas of her childhood with her mom.

In earlier seasons, Kate is in an abusive first relationship as a teen. She does not believe she deserves better, as she lives with low self-worth and body image. While her parents repeatedly support, validate and encourage her, she feels more seen by her father. When he dies (don’t worry, this is not a true spoiler as we find this out in the first season), she doesn’t feel the same secure attachment to her mom. She feels like she lives in her mom’s shadow and does what she has to get out from under it.

There is something to be said about the ties between mothers and their daughters. As mothers (and maternal nurturing role figures in general) are who in general model connection, this makes some sense. A whole genre of books, courses and stories has been a lot of focus on mother-daughter relationships. Just look at The Lost Daughter to get a sense of this. Sil Reynolds (a Marion Woodman-Jungian coach) wrote a whole book on her relationship with her daughter. Bethany Webster works specifically on Mother Wounds and wrote a pivotal book Discovering Your Inner Mother; and Strange Situation by Bethany Saltman speaks directly about her attachment style and how it shaped her foundation of attachment with her own daughter.

“Take everything off your shoulders and give it to me. I can take it. That’s what I’m here for. ~Rebecca (Mom) to Kate

While we can heal attachment styles, it bears mentioning that they can be passed down through family. Again, this show portrayals the impact of family violence very well. Jack’s own father was very abusive to his mother. This impact of Intergenerational trauma could have become a legacy burden for Jack, a carried down belief that violence and abuse was acceptable. Instead, Jack does some deep inner work to not repeat the pattern.

I love a show where some of my favourite topics as a therapist are covered. Attachment Theory, healthy relationships, trauma, family, for instance. My whole family now looks out for these themes when we watch TV together. While This Is Us in one of the best portrayals of these themes, we don’t have to look far to see them: Stranger Things; Marvel movies for instance – the origin movie for the Black Widow for example; the movie and book The Lost Daughter; the latest Disney movie Encanto (a new favourite as a therapist!)

So the next time you are watching your favourite show, or a new one, think about what the character’s attachment style is. How might that play a role in how they behave in relationships?

Knowing what our history is with attachment, how our family of origin modelled connection and commitment are key hints to what our current relationships are. They set the foundation for our attachment style and ability to hold right relationship wth others in the present and future.

These past two years have really put us through a lot. Our mental health has been impacted, our bodies (whether we got sick or not), and our relationships with others. I know a lot of us have regressed in how we socialize and our connections have suffered. This can impact our attachment stye. Sometimes, our attachment style starts off insecure, and can heal; other times we start off with secure attachment and then have an unhealthy relationship: This shows that our attachment style can change, or be different depending on who we are in relationship with. So, if you are left wondering about how to repair some of your own attachment wounds, don’t’ worry – they can be repaired. I’ll be sharing some ways to do that just that in next article.

The Next Step in the Spiral Path

Posted on by

We are days away from the end of 2021. It is snowing where i am, the house is quiet except for the continuous flow of my playlist, Music Therapy: That’s what it is called and what it means to me. It’s been a stalwart for me this year.

As the first New Moon of 2022 is so early into January, i wanted to share with you some of the resources that i have found immeasurable for planning for the year that is coming. One of the guideposts for this ritual is also taking time to reflect on the year that was.

A part of me wants to say good riddance to 2021, but i wouldn’t be doing it a good service. There were parts that were gifts, surely. They balanced out the hard and unexpected. To read a bit more about my 2021, go to my last journal post.

Each year, i put together a Reflections of the Year guidebook. If you haven’t already, go to this LINK and print a copy. Or better yet, take what you want from it and put your thoughts and dreams in a journal of your own. If you would rather ask some simple questions, here is a good place to start:

1) What have you learned
a) What are you letting go of
b) What are you bringing into the new year
2) What are you new adventure are you welcoming

My Guides
While my practice is a private one, it is not without guides and inspiration from others. I am a big fan of Lindsay Mack. She is a Tarot guide and each year, her Solstice Blessings Tarot Spread is part of my ritual. In it, we ask the cards: 1) What is my card for the Solstice 2) What am I welcoming in at this new cycle? 3) What am I shedding and releasing? 4) A supportive Anchor Card that I can call upon for the upcoming cycle ahead. I have enrolled in her Threshold course so she can companion me even more into this new year. Sarah Faith Gottesdiener is also a mentor and has similar resources.

I start my plan for the next year by early December. I have been honing in on my New Year ritual for so long it has become part of my Craft. Besides my journal practice, i now have a collection of card decks that help anchor me. This new one, Live Your Values Deck, is a perfect compliment to my own Self-Compassion Intention cards, my Tarot Deck and Goddess Oracle cards. Each has a sacred place at the altar.

One tool i love to share with the people i support is the Wheel of Life exercise. Kimothy Joy’s free version has been updated for 2022. A similar resource is Ikagai, a Japanese tool that is similar. It breaks down our life’s purpose into 4 pillars: passion, vocation, profession and mission. It asks you to consider these 4 questions: What do you LOVE, What are you GOOD at, What does the world NEED, how can you get PAID. Another great website that shares more about this tool is here. Resources like this act to help us see where we need more balance, focus or energy, and where there is abundance.

Since i have read so much this year, it’s fitting that i am surrounded by some books to help me with my Year-end ritual. Marlee Grace’s new book, Getting to Center, is very helpful – she breaks down the path to get to our own Inner Centre. With chapters on vulnerability, hope, easy, saying bye, and rejuvenation, she covers a lot of ground. Another book is Amber Rae’s Choose Worry Over Wonder. Both books have words that were on my shortlist for Word of the Year. So, they have been companioning me these last few weeks.

Instead of goals that start the year, i follow the tradition of picking Core Desired Words for the Year. They are more about honouring a theme or feeling for the year, rather than tasks or commitments. Last year, my main theme was the Rise up, share my resources and myself with my community. It also means to embody confidence. The other theme was Pleasure: How to access Joy and Play. You can read about some of my previous years HERE and HERE. You can also look at some of my own guides – Susannah Conway’s annual gift is still such a great resource after all this years – i have been doing it since 2015. I pick one key word and then 4 to hold it, one for each season of the year.

2022 is held by The Lovers in Tarot (card 6 of the deck, 2+0+2+2=6). It is the best time to welcome back love, for ourselves, each other, and Mother Earth. It is time to reparent our Self with the tenderness and love we have been needing. It is time to let go of what no longer serves us, and create space for new beginnings and dreams that do.

And so, now that you have a sense of my flow, here is my Word of the Year: Grace

I have been thinking about this word for years. For a long time, i didn’t want anything to do with it as i attached it to femininity and being nice as a woman. And now, as it calls to me again, i think it fits with where i’m at. I am diving into a personal spiral of reclaiming feminine energy, Goddess guides, and having grace allows me to source this side of me.

Now i see the word in a new light, and i see it everywhere. In Madison Morrigan’s recent newsletter, she also speaks of her journey with Grace:

“Notice.
Allow everything to belong.
Forgive it.
Forgive it again.
It belongs.
Allow.
–Grace.”

Grace helped her be more compassionate to herself when her boundaries had fallen. She had more capacity to be tender, playful and angry when necessary (if not inconvenient). When we choose to have sovereignty for what we give our attention, knowing there will be consequences, we can choose to do it with grace.

While Grace is the main theme, I am also feeling a call to Community. This past year has shown me how much I missed having access to a clear village. So, I think the four anchor words are going to help me establish what is needed for a more defined community – whether it is with colleagues, dance or a Goddess circle. The four words that will support me as i strive for it are Ease (Winter), Centred (Spring) Awe (Summer), and Ritual (Fall). I felt called to the words Centred and Awe, and then i knew that i needed to trust more in Ease. It was when i started to play with the words that i noticed they too spelt my main word, just as this past year’s word RISE.

I think this is the part of grace i am seeking – to be confident with my decisions, even when they counter others. Grace means having integrity and humility. It means being graceful with my values, not necessarily being graceful like a ballerina.

Though, i have always wanted to be a ballerina as well.

Another Year Around the Sun

Posted on by

Another year has passed. Another year faced with challenges amidst moments of joy. I’m sitting in the luxury of my bed and new duvet, reflecting on my year, on my birthday.

The word that held me was RISE. It was such a fitting word as it came up over and over again, repeating its way of anchoring me. This year, i was more intentional in asking myself questions that helped me honour the word. For instance, i would ask myself “how does this decision help me rise?” Or at times, i would call for it to help me rise when i was feeling pulled down.

The other theme that came up, more so unplanned, was PLEASURE. I sought out ways to enhance my pleasure practice, whether it was summer play, food choices, dancing in an embodied way. I had some other key words that also held this word for me: Rest, Initiate, Soften and Enough. I promise, i didn’t even know they spelt RISE until i sat with them a bit. So, between these various words, a theme came forward. Over the course of the year, each word was an extra dose of support. In the early part of the year, i took that time to slow down and rest as i was needed to tend to my children during the hardest part of the year. I didn’t push myself to try new things. I didn’t sign up for more than i had capacity for.

Then in the Spring, i started to notice what i was being called toward. I started to sign up for long-overdue projects and courses. I started to initiate more joy in my body and passion projects. Come summer (my favourite season if i had to pick one), i was ready to soften and bring pleasure in more mindfully. And now, as the year is winding down, i have been telling myself that i am enough. My work is enough, my good is good enough, my effort is enough.

I love how these words hold meaning for my life. They hold me accountable as i find them connected to my values, and what is important to me in order to live my life with love.

This is why the word of the year practice is so grounding for me.

I also wanted to take a moment to reflect on the year under the umbrella of Mind Body Soul alchemy. This balance is so important as it connects us to our deeper meaning. It also shows us what is necessary to heal or hold.

Mind
Wow, did i ever read a lot. I read books for pleasure, as a way to escape, as a way to focus, and to learn. I also took several long coveted courses to better myself as a therapist. I enrolled in a sex therapy course that i have wanted to take since i did my undergrad at University of Guelph in 1998. Talk about a bucket-filling accomplishment! I’m so excited about this endeavour. It has been such a gift for me as i diver deeper in supporting people with their sexual selves. I also did some great somatic-based therapy courses. One was with Peter Levine. He is like the grandpa i never had. I was so honoured to see him live (via Zoom of course) in action, versus a recording or for a short talk. It was icing on the cake that he co-lead this 2 day training on sexual trauma with Kimberly Ann Johnson, one of my mentors. Finally,I am enrolled in a year-long deep dive in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and am really into this as we are looking deeper at the impact of attachment trauma on the body.

I made a point to not enrol in too many courses, but rather balance my learning in other ways as well. This commitment to Rise with my work was because it was my first full year as a full-time private practice therapist. So i took on new challenges: i was a podcast guest (take a listen HERE and HERE if you’d like), i started supervising new therapists and an amazing group program for survivors, as well as a guest speaker in several amazing conferences and courses. This work excites me as it is based on the community work as a feminist therapist.

Not everything has been challenging my mind for work purposes. I have been playing with new ways to have a Beginner’s Mind in my creativity. I have been learning how to play with polymer’s clay to make jewelry. And, i have intentionally been giving my mind rest from unnecessary overwhelm and busy-ness. I’m so grateful i learned the concepts of ‘continuous partial attention’ and ‘soft fascination’ this year!

Body
Dance has been a big part of my life since i could walk as a toddler. It has become even more of an anchor these past 2 years. I have used it as the foundation to help me embody pleasure and joy. I have not been in a yoga class or any in-person community these last 2 years, and i really miss it. I definitely see the benefit of sharing space with others for our nervous systems. I am grateful for shared laughter with neighbours who i am close to, and a hearty chat with a friend on a walk. Recently, i went out with friends for a big dinner out and it was the decadent treat my body and soul needed.

As i have been saturating myself with all things Pleasure this year, i also have been playing more with my own sexual self; i treated myself to some new toys. I also have been tracking my responses to things by listening to my body and what it needs. This has been somewhat transformative as it is really showing me that i can ‘widen my window’ simply by tracking my capacity in a given moment.

One resource that i have been working on is my own breath. A few years ago, BREATHE was my word of the year, and yet i didn’t do it justice. This year, i have been listening to the guidance of Amy Kuretsky and her teachings of breathwork. I also took a course with Annie Bray recently and it further solidified my practice. As a moon lover, following the moon’s rhythm has been a landing even more firmly in this practice.

Soul
After years of playing on the surface of my soul, i now am ready to go a bit deeper. I have been noticing a calling to me. I’m not quite sure what it is, but i know its related to some inner work and reclaiming my feminine self. As i’m on the cusp of this change, the next step in my spiral path will possibly take me to do some goddess soul-searching work. I’m ready and also after this past year, i feel like this work is necessary. I’m excited about this so stay tuned!

Tending to my soul includes Rituals – everyday ones like a burning candle or a morning coffee in the garden. Big ones like honouring holidays and seasons. During the darkest days of lockdown, it was the rituals that kept us afloat. These rhythms that reminded me of my resilience. These are the practices of “soul vitamins” that i cherish.

Another way i nourish my soul is through community. As this was strained this year, i had to work hard at keeping these connection and doses of soul vitamins. Something i did for first time this year was share my card reading ritual. I gifted a reading for a friend’s 50th birthday; i read to friends at an All Hallow’s Eve party; i shared a few readings with community online. This was such a lovely way of sharing more of me, it felt like honouring my calling. As i dive into some Goddess Archetype work, this practice will be a big anchor for me.

Since we were home so much, we took this time to do some home renovations. Some were long overdue necessities, others were painful (read this journal for a reminder!). All were gifts for me soul, as they showed for me how nourished i feel at home. It really is a sanctuary for me. Now that i work almost exclusively from home, this work was even more important. Working from home has its own list of both/and so making some changes helped me keep that balance and boundary that i need to stay within my window.

As i spoke above already, having a word that anchors my year is especially supportive for my soul. This year, i feel like i met my words of RISE – rest initiate soften enough. Now i’m ready for what comes in 2022, and i am holding my place in the unknown.

My words for next year are almost ready. This gentle practice holds space for my feelings and dreams. I am putting the finishing touches on my guide Reflections of the Year booklet. If you want to learn more about this process, you can join me by signing up for my newsletter – the link is here. My next journal will share more about this ritual.

Here’s for another spin around the sun.

My Body is My Home

Posted on by

This past year and a half, our physical health and wellbeing have been at the forefront of our minds. While our bodies host our health, they have not been our focus for care. So many of us have either gained weight, found comfy pants or had to come to terms with a new way of moving their bodies. And yet it’s our bodies that have helped us get through this challenging time.

We have adapted, or day i say pivoted. We found new ways to accept our softness and be less critical of ourselves. And yet i wonder if it’s just for the short-term.

I have become aware of how my self-talk mirrors my relationship to my body. After years of wearing make-up daily, this past year has been a make-up free zone. My kids don’t see me getting ready to go to work anymore, because i’m not really going anywhere. I always associated make-up with leaving the house to be in the public realm. It’s a bit of my armour, or mask if you will allow this word. I don’t miss it at all even though it was a way of making me feel like I was doing something outside the home. Now it frees me up to do other things, mainly sleeping in later.

For me, this has been a reckoning, a reclamation of my worthiness as a woman without falling prey to the story of needing adjustments to become better. I needed this shift away from listening to cultural rhetoric about what makes a ‘good woman.’

As a child of the 70s and 80s, I can remember certain stories in pop culture that reinforced the idea that thinness is ideal. That as women, we needed to aspire to this unrealistic expectation, even when it was to our own detriment. I distinctly remember an ad that told us “you can’t pinch an inch.” To be honest, i remember the phrase and image but for the life of me I don’t even remember what the ad was for. But that saying definitely stayed. So, clearly the message mattered more than the product it was advertising.

Now as a therapist who supports women with their transitions – into motherhood, middle age, or after a traumatic relationship – i guide them to connect with their body. It may not be a main goal, but it comes up time and again. Healing and repairing our relationship with our body is a main part of stepping into these new roles and phases of our life. It is our body that joins us on this ride called life. We are used to ignoring it, not having vocabulary or awareness for it. This way of holding our body with resonance is a reclamation.

I would also argue that since we have been giving birth to babies since the beginning of time, maybe this act of resilience is really just embracing what our power is, and celebrating it as we should.

Any of us who has had newborns in our life knows that our body changes postpartum in drastic ways, and isn’t ours alone. Our baby needs us, and that includes our body, so their need usually becomes the priority in order to survive. We hold them for hours to help them sleep, our nipples become raw, we feel like we can’t pee for fear of waking a sleeping babe in our arms. That leads us to feeling touched out and disembodied.

I love the word matrescence, the transition we experience when we become mothers/parents. Similar to adolescence, it’s a messy and hormonal shift and a lot of newness comes with it. So instead of mourning the bodies we have lost, it may be more productive and empowering to love what we have, and what our new bodies are capable of.

As feminism is all about choice, being comfortable and confident in our skin is one way of protesting for sure.

It’s a way of reclaiming our bodies and reminding others that our bodies are powerful – to get pregnant and birth a HUMAN from. I have been loving my Instagram feed that shows many versions of postpartum bodies being celebrated as it gives us a chance to build on our Feminine power. And yet for some many recent generations, the postpartum body has been ignored or hidden, or made to feel ugly. It’s interesting that we are noticed and touched when pregnant, but when a birther has a baby in arms, the focus and attention is all on the baby. It’s like the new mom has become invisible again, back into the shadows.

We aren’t meant to bounce back! In fact, losing the baby weight so quickly puts pressure on us, keeps our bodies sexualized, centres male privilege and consumerism (“buy these products to bounce back to your pre-baby body, and fit your jeans again!”). And it can perpetuate the norm around maiden bodies versus being a goddess or matriarch. Also, this pressure has an incredible impact on postpartum mood, relationship with partners, and self-esteem.

I also think that it’s helpful to remember that my body is my own, and it is up to me to define it, no one else. I can feel like a goddess one day, and more like a maternal healer another. I can be both/and – not stay stuck in one identity only. Feminine power and pride of growing a baby inside us should allow us the right to celebrate our body postpartum – instead of being taught to pathologize it or feel shame when we need Pelvis PT or have stretch marks. I love hearing about other countries’ ways of supporting people who have birthed by making access to physiotherapy easier for instance. As a therapist, my work around birth trauma and body image is to help my clients focus on the scar not the wound, as it is also more healing and empowering. This too is an act of reclamation.

Jessie Harrold wrote the Project Body Love: My quest to love my body and the surprising truth i found instead. In it, she shares her personal journey in reclaiming her body after having children and generally as a woman. She shares her tiny experiments of getting to learn more about herself by centring her body. For instance, asking herself what is her purpose for her body. More than taking it for granted, what it does for her, and how she can nurture it in return. This is a very intentional way of coming back to Self, and holding your body at the centre of it.

This practice of establishing a healthy relationship with our bodies is a process, one that is both necessary and sacred. If this is something you are struggling with, now that you are not alone. Here are some tips that may help:

1) Somatic Practise: This is my body
Sit comfortably and either play some soothing music or light a candle for extra comfort. With one hand, touch a part of your body and say “this is my body. This is my neck. This is my heart.” Or try “I am home here. My body is my home.” Repeat after doing it for a few rounds and see how you may feel after. This practice of

2) Reward it: Self-love for parts
It can be hard to start feeling good or positive about a part of our body that gives us grief, or we struggle with. Instead, start with a part you may be neutral or even a bit proud of already. Give it love – get a new lotion and do a self-massage of your hands, or maybe get a pedicure for your feet and all the work they do for you. Treat yourself to a new scarf for those shoulders that hold so much for you!

3) Gratitude Practice: Love letter
Have you ever thanked your body for what it does for you? It might feel triggering to do so for it in its fullness. Instead, write a letter of appreciation to the part of you that helped you through a difficult day, or hard moment. Maybe you want to draw out the moment as a way to honour your Inner Child.

Coming Back Full Circle

Now that my children have grown up a bit, they are needing my body less and less. There is still time for cuddles, hand holding, and washing hair. And yet, their bodies are growing in front of my eyes. My son is now basically the same height as me and my daughter’s shoe size is the same as mine.

My daughter has been figuring out who she is this year. And while i’m bearing witness to it, i am also an active member on the sidelines. She recently got herself a pair of ripped jeans. I had to consciously check my reactions. A part of me was worried about the attention she would get, another part was concerned why she wanted the jeans. I don’t own any ripped jeans, so this reminded me that i am not her only model now. It makes me recall this report that the American Psychological Association put forth about the sexualization of girls.

It takes a commitment to model a healthier body awareness and appreciation. My nine-year-old is definitely starting to notice her body in relation to others and also how it’s changing. Both kids are on the cusp of puberty and I’m pretty excited, if not a bit worried, about the change that is yet to happen.

In her book Mothers, Daughters and Body Image, Hillary McBride shares ways to help our children have a better body image. She shares 5 key steps: 1) Co-View – Be present with media and 2) Get in between them and the media messages 3) Teach them media literacy 4) Notice how you compliment 5) Reflect on your own comments about your body. Make sure your partner also is aware. I appreciate these tips and would also suggest i do them for myself too. It helps to get a sense of what we say to ourselves about ourselves when in the presence of social media and pop culture. There is procedural learning from our own childhood and teen years that has shaped this.

“You were never meant to play small just to make other people comfortable, and it is possible to be loved and fully you at the same time” ~ Hillary McBride

Women in the Mirror

I think there is a movement in the public arena that celebrates all bodies as beautiful because they are real. I love the saying “perfectly imperfect in every way” as it allows space for authenticity and realistic expectations. That ideal we are reaching for, doesn’t even exist – and we now know that Instagram, Facebook, and commercials use massive filters to hide ‘flaws.’ So, we can do better than looking at what is prescribed as the perfect body (skinny, tall, white, able-bodied).

Social media images like these are normalizing and work to make other women feel less alone, less ashamed of their own “imperfect” postpartum bodies. It’s not a coincidence that these campaigns come at a time when there is more work being done to address vulnerability and courage, as well as self-compassion. Brene Brown speaks volumes about the healing power of being vulnerable as it allows space to grapple with our insecurities and push them aside. Kristin Neff speaks about self-compassion, and one of my favourite principles of her work is common humanity, which is noticing we are not alone in our struggle or feelings. So when we see others in magazines or on TV that have similar bodies and scars, we can feel validated and that is so healing. It’s hard to hear the inner critic in us when we also feel ourselves in others’ bodies.

I also think it is very important to see ourselves in the media as it can lessen the impact of postpartum mood disorders, low self-worth, or the impact it has on our relationships. We are not the only ones watching – our partners are, our families, are too. This mindset shift allows us to come to a place of acceptance, body positivity and self-love. This acceptance can be the shift we need to go out to the park in the summer, to go swimming with our children in the local pool, to be present in our lives as well as our children’s instead of internalizing the negative thoughts about our bodies.

One other wonderful resource is Sonya Renee Taylor’s book My Body is not an Apology. It unpacks the intersection of colonization, white supremacy and male privilege as it relates to our body image as a society. She has since come out with a workbook, Your Body is not an Apology and this is such a great gift for reclaiming a loving relationship with our body. There is something really invigorating about being able to see yourself in others (bodies, photos, campaigns) and it speaks to how important Intersectional Feminism is in regards to representation, and where media and consumer industry has been behind the times for so long.

Our body reminds us that this stage of new parenthood is hard work. That’s why i need to take care of me (and my body) in order to keep going. As i get to the other side of parenting, my children need me differently. My body is not as used, touched and pulled in different directions as much. And yet it is exhausted, and worn to the bone in other ways. That’s why we need to keep an active practice of care for our body.

Trauma survivors have a complicated relationship with their bodies. After experiencing violation and betrayal, their bodies carry the weight of the memory. Coming to a new place of awareness, acceptance or even awe is a reparative process. This includes anyone who either experienced abuse before becoming parents, as well as people who experienced birth trauma. When we are told over and over again that birth is a natural process, when things go wrong or our bodies don’t work as they ‘should,’ a lot of that gets internalized. When we have scars (internal or visible), we feel less than our peers who birthed differently, whether a home birth, vaginally, or without a need of surgery. An unfortunate competition and hierarchy puts us into clubs right from the time we birth our babies. We internalize this comparison and it keeps us stuck in a shame spiral. We deserve better than this.

I think that a new paradigm is possible: moving away from the view that holds negative views of women and being judged by our appearance, to one that is a positive depiction of our worth and strength. I also really love the focus on our transformation after having children/giving birth to children. Instead of focusing on the ugly, why can’t we celebrate this shift. This is an active self-love movement that is growing. It’s both an act of courage and a Fuck You to show yourself to the world, flaws and all. In a world that still lives with white privilege and ableism, isn’t it an act of courage and resistance to show off our real selves?

We can be both maternal and more. We are not just mothers, even when we are. The sacrifice isn’t in our bodies or the scars we got from giving birth, but rather how others keep us from accepting our new bodies. The sacrifice comes later when we are told to hide, or feel like we can’t enjoy our life in our new bodies. The sacrifice is when we are not supported to be more than mothers, and to live more meaningful, full lives. We end up sacrificing ourselves in order to take care of babies because we were left alone in caring for them. This reclamation can be a chance to build back a community of support.

Kiss your own fingertips
and hug your own curves.
You are made of waves and honey
And spicy peppers when it is necessary.
You are a goddess,
I hope you haven’t forgotten.
~ Emory Allen