Tag Archives: matrescence

Raising Teens: Becoming the Lighthouse

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I am just back from a vacation of a lifetime with my youngest. It was our first ‘just the two of us’ trip. It was to honour her passage into high school, and so l gave her a girls’ weekend at a favourite city with all the perks of a city that never sleeps – shopping, good food, and lots of selfies.

This summer has been all about marking this developmental transition of adolescence. My big kid was home alone overnight for the first time, we had our first parents-only camping trip, and both kids got a big trip with just one parent. This is us honouring what is ending and also becoming. And, i don’t mean what is happening for our kids. We too as parents are in a transition season: The end of school-age parenthood needs to be honoured in ceremony. It may not be a major life transition but it is still a rite of passage.

I’m glad i’m not alone in wanting to honour these initiations with some type of pomp and circumstance. I’ve been watching the show Sterling Point with my youngest. It has been such a good bonding opportunity as we watch certain episodes, stories, and themes. We have a cottage near the location so it’s an added bonus to watch the show from this vantage point. One storyline that i loved was how the group celebrated Maple starting her menstrual cycle. They made her a flower crown, howled like wolves, and shared advice. I had a ceremony for my daughter when she started her menarche. At the time, she was not as into it as i am, so seeing this portrayed in the show was really exciting for me. It normalized ceremony as an important part of growing up. If you want to see my hot take on the show as a therapist and mom to teens, take a look at my recent instagram post.

In the coming weeks, both my kids will be in high school. This is a pivotal rite of passage for me as well as my youngest kiddo. It dawned on me only a few weeks after school ended that I need to honour the rite of passage for myself. It was our last year at the same tiny alternative school both my kids started at when they were a mere four years old. She celebrated the end of an era for herself. She had a party after-party, and got all dolled up. As much as we honour commencement and ceremonies for our kids when they’re moving through different pivotal stages of school, we also need to have a way to mark this for ourselves. And so this is something I’m noticing I need to do as my youngest starts high school.

And so, I am working on crafting a ceremony for myself to honour the arrival of high school. I need to mark this transition for myself, and i suspect other mothers will gladly participate to honour this threshold for themselves too. Plus, i am always looking for a good reason to host a ceremony.

It is time we brought back more ceremony into our lives, and less superficial celebration.

A rite of passage is not just celebrating the transition. It is needs to include some work and letting go. It needs to honour what is ending and also offer a bit of elbow grease. Marking it in this way offers the somatic experience of The Return, the coming back but anew felt sense. In Arnold van Gennep’s Book, Rites of Passage, he shared that this step is key and often overlooked. Having time to to integrate an experience is as important as embarking on it. We may not go on pilgrimages as a society anymore (though i definitely advocate for one) but we can practice a modernized version of a quest. It might look like a camping week, a portaging adventure, a summer work experience, or a trip.

Maybe not the most fancy of activities, but one thing we did was request some household projects to be done by our kids. As part of my teenagers experience for the summer, we had them do a few tasks and chores around the house. Some of things that they’ve never done before. And so when my eldest was sanding down the deck, I noticed they were sitting on our rickety outdoor dinner table. I asked them to not sit on it because it was precarious. They grunted and complained and rolled their eyes at me, but stood up. An hour later, they came up to me with the invisible tail between their legs and admitted that they sat on the table again and it cracked.

The moral of the story isn’t that they did the thing I told her not to. It’s that they felt safe to come and tell me they did the thing and knew I’d be upset and possibly even say I told you so and they still came to me because they couldn’t fix it alone. They trusted that even if I was angry at them that the love was always going to remain.
This is what I want to happen if they were ever to do anything out in the world that made them feel scared or in danger: To call me no matter what.

As the saying goes: Small kids, small problems; Big kids, bigger problems.

Raising a teenage daughter today is a modern-day version of the myth of Demeter and Persephone, but the lure is social media and not Hades. Or maybe social media is the new Hades, in a more modern trickster suit. I’m fighting to keep my daughter close but I am competing with a greater force and that is her phone. I’m not fighting my kid about her phone, I’m fighting the attention the phone takes from me. Our smartphones were supposed to be a place we sometimes visit, not a place that we live in all the time. This is my work-in-progress project. As my teen enters the high school jungle, i know that i need to hold onto her a bit more. My grip may not be as tight but it needs to remain nonetheless.

I’m needing to do that consciously and not reactively, so that I don’t fall into anxiety and instead have a clear path that helps me stay clear and secure. I need to also do this in a way that doesn’t lose myself in motherhood as I enter my new Virgin territory.

Many of us are raising children and being parents as an over-correction because we were raised by parents that were emotionally immature or unavailable and so we want to be the most present, attuned, available, and understanding parents to our own children now.

I remember having fights with my own mom about my friends, how long i was on the phone at night, and our competing needs. Now i see it as normal teenage woes. Back then, I grew up being told by my mom “wait until you have a teenage daughter. That will be your karma.”

Maybe it’s not revenge that my kid is giving me a hard time. Rather it’s destiny as a developmental stage. Teens are meant to protest as a way to build individuation. I know this now. I also now see that my mom may have been going through perimenopause at the time i was a teen, and i really wish this was spoken about then. I get back to this point soon.

A part of healing these parts was to first unlearn that anger is scary or destabilizing so that my children can embody it more fully.

I have internalized a wound of unprocessed anger due to ongoing unmet needs, and it is what is fighting with my child at this developmental stage. What i couldn’t say to my mom back then is hard to hear my kid say to me. It’s not karma that i have a sassy kid. It’s a pattern that has taken generations to get to me, and i can now heal what wasn’t repaired. My own Inner Sassy Teen Part is very headset on being able to say what she needed back then. My Mother Parts need her to remember that my kid has her own needs now.

Our teens also lose the mother that they had as a younger child themselves. Gone are the play-based days, the years of wonderment and mini-me dress up. We must grieve the end of that chapter, so we can accept and birth this new one that evolved from it, and also offers more depth and closeness in the present.

‘Becoming a mother leaves no woman as it found her. It unravels and rebuilds her. It cracks her open, takes her to her edges. It’s both beautiful and brutal, often at the same time’. ~ Nikki McCahon

Matrescence is the adjustment period to motherhood, and I think this initiation of becoming a mother to teens needs its own great passage or marker so that we don’t step into it unconsciously or uninitiated, but rather with our eyes wide open. I thought i was moving out of the stage of motherhood, only to realize that it is more that i was moving into a new stage OF motherhood. I was getting excited to claim the identity of Mage/Queen/Virgin, but i am not there yet: I may be perimenopausal and i am still mothering. I’m a baby mage, eager for this new stage of life but it is not yet where i stand.

I’m still crawling.

I am one of the mothers now who are in perimenopause while my children are in puberty. We are not supposed to be at these intersecting stages. In a recent issue of Hot Flash Mag, Jessie Harrold says it so well: “Here we are losing that biological wiring to nurture, and our kids actually need more from us than they probably would have for our foremothers. So there’s this real tension and conflict. The mothering I thought I was going to be doing at this age is very different from the mothering I am doing, which is far more intensive.”

A part of the becoming that happens is that we put on a new suit as advocates and mama bears for our children. No one‘s going to have our kids back like we do; even when we say no to our kid it’s because we have the best interest for them in mind. The tension is that our kiddo may not see it that way, and we need to stand our ground. This is where the messy hormonal conflict can pay a role, and be a toll on our connection. I need to remember my role as a parent is to guide my children to their fullest potential, to grow and evolve, to reach maturation. For this wisdom, i thank Gordon Neufeld.

Parenting teens is learning to embrace your new role as the lighthouse keeper. You are now watching from the beach. You are close enough to touch them, to see and hear them and just enough distance for them to find their own way. In Kim Jon Payne’s book, The Art of Discipline, he offers another theory – the 3 stages of Parenthood – the Governess, Gardener, and Guardian. I am embracing the newly minted Guardian role. It is a time of becoming the guide for my children, not activity playing or weeding like i have been.

Whenever i get a bit lost in the waters of motherhood in modern-times, i come back to my anchor, that is remembering my role as a mother. In their book, Sil Reynolds (now Read) and her daughter Eliza, Mothering and Daughtering, offer us some insight and guidance on how to move through this messy stage. To start, Sil shares that “Mothering” can be seen as a verb, the action of helping our children become the adults they are meant to be. She also offers that we need to incorporate intentional quality time together – like my big trip with my kid and watching teen dramas together. It also serves us to understand counterwill and learn to read our child’s cues. This has been such a life saver of mine over these last few months. And it’s still a work-in-progress.

I was recently gifted a beautiful deck of cards by my friend Jessie Harrold. She wrote the wonderful book Mothershift, which is a guide through matrescence and finding our north star as parents. This deck is a visual reference that helps us see what kind of mother we are at a specific moment in time. I am no longer the Crafty Mom or archetype. According to Jessie, I am the Heron Mom: I am walking the threshold between who i was a mom and who i becoming. That means i need to trust the magic and also grieve what is no longer true. I can feel the pull of the Imaginal Mother who is becoming who i truly am, but it will take time to mothermorphize (a word Jessie and i made up) as my kiddo has to adjust to being in high school herself, first.

Speaking of getting lost in the waters, one thing i do when i feel like i’m drowning in unfamiliar waters is to seek out who has been here before. This new terrain of mothering teenagers may be new to me, but i am not the first parent to do so. This is not uncharted territory. Ideally, this is where mothering mentors come in. I have found some older mothers in my life that i can turn to at times, but not consistently or for the actually themes i need support in. Since we live in a society that is void of true mentorship, i have to turn to some other guides. Folk tales, myths and the timeless stories of our ancient ones and ancestors.

And, for me that includes looking at mythopoetic stories that depict motherhood in universal time and space. It’s a good thing that there are many examples. One of my favourites is the story of the Greek goddess of Harvest, Demeter, and her daughter Persephone. It is Persephone (or Kore’s) journey to the underworld and her mother’s grief of losing her daughter that we can thank for our seasons.

What i have also found is that the story of Persephone as many variations. For instance, Carolyn Elliot shares in her powerful book, Existential Kink, that maybe Persephone’s journey was in fact subconsciously manifested by herself as a way to integrate her shadow parts and becoming whole. We need both our conscious and unconscious parts to complete us after all. And maybe, Persephone’s flight to the underworld was her way to get space from her over-bearing mother. Maybe she needed this time to find out who she was. So she rebelled and flew the coop (like i did at 16, incidentally). This allowed her to find herself and integrate the tension of opposition and reliance, struggle and ease, independence and connection. And Demeter herself had to reckon with the truth that her daughter needed to find herself separate from her role as a daughter. I like to think that Demeter had to grieve losing her daughter as a maiden in order for her to find herself in mid-life as a woman herself, and not just her leading identity as a mother. In her acceptance and surrender of Persephone’s individuation, Demeter was initiated into Virgin Mother territory – a woman who belongs to herself first, who is whole unto herself and who has the qualities and strengths of a Mother. She no longer puts her needs last, she models that having needs is not only okay but a part of being human. In fact, it is through her practice of caring for herself that she is paving the path for her child to reach individuation and maturation herself.

So maybe the story of these two goddesses set the stage for us all along. Maybe they carved a path for us to follow but we forgot that Persephone needs to find herself on her own, and we are meant to grieve what is ending – not the relationship but itself but the duties that came with it change over time. Grief means needing to say goodbye to what was in order to become anew and also find our new meaning. Maybe our modern-day experience raising daughters is not that different than Demeter and Persephone’s. What offers me solace is that it is just a stage and Persephone comes back. When we trust this, it makes the grief in Winter tolerable.

Sweet (Inner) Child of Mine

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Earlier this month, a poem went viral. At least it did on my Instagram feed. Maybe you saw it too? I loved it for its simplicity and also for its depth in reminding us that we can always make time for our younger selves.

In fact, for one of my 28 Days of Self-Love prompts, i did a version of it instead of writing from my future self as per the suggestion. I love writing, and especially poetry. Poetry is what literally got me through my darkest days in my youth, and it is still something that i turn to again and again, for solace and support.

The Brunch Date
I had coffee with my younger Self today
We were both early and sat with our backs to the wall
She had a cappuccino with soy milk
I had an americano.
We talked about her biggest dreams
I let her know they had come to life
She was amazed to learn that this could be true

And i told her to be patient
To stay on the path of her own life
To choose herself again and again

She had a short pixie cut and wore low cut jeans
And was a bit surprised by my long wavy hair
My red lipstick and flowy dress
She asked if i still listen to Mazzy Star and Depeche Mode
I reassured her that they will always be my first love
I have found my voice and kinship in women’s circles
I let her know that dancing is still my best medicine
And i have found my way back to the Goddess
I thank her for buying my first oracle deck
I give her the news that I’m partnered in a wonderful marriage and
Have two kids of my own

She asks me what my secret is that i found this life
I tell her i did the work to break the cycle
I stared my shadow parts in the face
And i embraced them

I saw her for who she is
In her fullness
Knowing that is all she ever wanted

I walk her to her bike as she makes her way to work at the shelter
We hug and i sneak a glass bottle of rose oil
In her basket to remind her that she is magic
~ vania sukola

Speaking of spending time with your former self, I saw My Old Ass recently. It was such a lovely movie with some sweet surprise twists. I won’t ruin it for you but let’s just say that i love how it addressed anticipatory grief, how to be present with your life right now, and not take it for granted. And remember, my word of the Year is Presence and i definitely noticed this message. One of the lessons in the movie was to carve out intentional time together, to not take this precious time for granted. This also allows for space to have the real talks.

I’m taking this lesson to heart now that my kids are teenagers. They are the age i was when i really started to want to have my own voice and autonomy, and also to be seen for who i was. And yet, i also still needed guidance and information. This is what Gabor Mate talks about – we all need Authenticity and Attachment. I am noticing now that my teenagers are making new friends and decisions, it’s time for me to upgrade my skills and understanding as a teenage mom. Some of the things i never got to experience are getting in the way.

Take the topic of dating for instance. My daughter has told me that she wants to go on dates with her crush. This is something i so desperately and needed to talk about my own mother and yet i couldn’t.

I am still finding this new terrain challenging. It sure looked familiar on the onset, especially as i used to be a youth shelter worker. I think i forgot along the way just how old i am. I took the compliments from my kids’ friends in stride: Did you know that my house is ‘house goals’ and also that i’m a ‘vibe?’ I also like to think of myself as a mom others will want to come to for the big step, to be their village auntie.

And yet, now i’m sitting with some big parent decisions – how to navigate dating, gender identity, next steps in life and catching my kids in their lies and goodness. A part of me sure misses the ease of two-year old tantrums over snowpants or steamed broccoli. I really identified with being a School-Age Mom.

All of this has brought me back to my own childhood and the mother i wanted to be. That meant seeing the one i had and also grieving the one i needed, not the one i had.

Last year, Glennon Doyle posted about her work with her own inner child. She wrote about her little kid self using four categories: her likes and dislikes, what her main needs were and what i would tell her now. I thought I might do the same here today, to introduce you to this powerful exercise, as a way to acknowledge your own Inner Child Part, and perhaps receive a healing reparative experience as well.

Meet Lil V
Her Likes: Strawberry Shortcake dolls, unicorns and mermaids, ballet classes and pointe shoes, Goonies, reading , swimming in the ocean, Punky Brewster, New Edition, hiding in the lilac bush, parties in the Florida room, writing in her journal, playing in the nearby creek with friends, making friendship bracelets
Her dislikes: yelling voices, angry eyes, bracing for bad moods, being told that her anger is not allowed, not having a say in what she wore, eating meat

Her Main Needs: time alone, openness (in schedules, spaces, hearts, minds), soft fabrics, cuddles, ambient lighting, artistic ways to express herself and her truth, to be seen, heard, met, understood, and empowered, to have her feelings matter, to dance and listen to music she loves

What I Tell her Now: You matter. I’m so glad you’re alive. I see you for your fullness. I hear you and your brilliant soul. I love all of you. I’ve got you. I’ve got it from here. Whenever you need this reassurance, let’s have a date with cocoa and collage. We can cut our favourite pictures while we chat and catch up.

I have some to some realizations lately, as i heal my Parentified Child Part. I became a therapist because i was my mom’s when i was a child and throughout my teen years, albeit a shitty and unqualified one. For years, i thought that my core wound from childhood manifested into being a People Pleaser. I think that was a Part’s way to handle things but my wound was in fact worthiness – i made myself small and struggled with speaking in groups because i learned i didn’t have anything worth while to contribute, that my own feelings and thoughts didn’t matter.

That has been my healing over these past few years.

Inner child work can be the balm my tender heart needs in order to show up in the present (wow, i didn’t even do that on purpose) and also hold space for all of my own Parts. For me, that can be having a hot cacao and calling in the energy of Lil V, writing a poem or reading a favourite one, or it can be listening to Mazzy Star or re-reading a favourite book from my teen years. It is also speaking to my younger Parts with love and reverence, and letting them know i see them, they matter, and i have a plan. Maybe you feel called to do some writing as well. If so, this old journal article that i wrote many moons ago, may be a great guide – it offers steps to be with your Inner Child and write a letter to them.

It also means reading about adolescence and updating my skills and knowledge. This is a corrective experience for me as my own parents didn’t do this work, partly because the abundance of books didn’t exist back then. Luckily for us, they do now. There are so many books, podcasts, and resources that can be a guide for us as parents. Some of the books that i have found to be mentoring along this new path are How to Hold onto your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate, Jessie Harrold’s book Mothershift, and i’m about to reach <em>Untangled by Lisa Damour.

We repeat what does not get repaired so spending time with our younger selves offers a reparative experience for them. It also helps me hold space for the versions of me that did not get what they wanted, without also getting in the way of what my kids need now. My children are not me, so what they need may not be the same.

Giving Birth to the Spiritual Seed Within

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I didn’t grow up religious or with a spiritual practice of any kind. I was told as a child that was because even though my parents were quite religious, they couldn’t agree what church to raise my sister and I in. That served me for years, especially as a teen who rebelled against all things religious and patriarchal.

I maybe didn’t have an overtly religious childhood, but I had a childhood infused with nature, the outdoors, and honouring various religious days. What was laid out for me was to not take nature for granted, to create ceremony for our special meals, and to trust that herbal remedies my mom made were working their magic.

I recently discovered that my ancestors on my mother’s line were oppositional to the State and wanted to align with a more village-based, natural time. Her spiritual lineage was fundamental and also devoted to a way of life that was in defiance to the industrial and political powerhouses at the time. I knew some of this information before, but as a skeptic, and also rebellious teenager, I didn’t really want to listen to her history. And that’s how it remained for years.

Fast forward to my own entry into motherhood and I felt something was missing for me. As I started to come into my own as a mother, I realized I was starting to embrace my unique offering and power as a mother – one that was soul-led and deeper. While not intentional at the time, I was able to listen to the little seed inside me that called me to programs, books, and activities that aligned with a part of me that had been forgotten about, my soul.

When I discovered a local Waldorf parent-and-tot programs, something about its gentle approach and darling handmade toys really spoke to me. It wasn’t the pedagogy that I was drawn to, but its focus on seasonal celebrations and focus on early childhood imagination. Looking back at this time now, I realize how my then-new identity of “Mother” was being formed alongside the adorable handmade toys, candles and puppets. Our talks with the Waldorf teachers highlighted for me what was aligned in my core values as a new parent, and one of them was this intentional way of honouring the seasons with ritual and a spiritual framework. We sang, honoured the turning of the wheel, and it has a subtle hint of the European ancestry that was similar to my own. And yes, its gentle approach and handmade toys really spoke to me and it filled a spot in me that had been empty.

It helped me form roots.

I appreciate the gift it gave me: By shaping my early days as a mother; someone altogether new was born inside me, and my soul was awakened with my initiation into motherhood. We now see this adjustment period of new parenthood for the messy and hormonal, change it follows, adolescence. It has a name: Matrescence; a physical, mental, psychological, sociocultural, and spiritual metamorphosis new parents go through.

As my children grew and started to establish their own roots in the world, I was able to embrace my soul’s true calling. For instance, in my family we now honour the sacred sabbaths of the Wheel of the Year, 8 holy days that honour the seasons and ancient medicines of archetypal myths and nature-based stories. It is since becoming a mother and truly accepting this role that has led me to offer ritual, ceremony and sacred practice to my family and community. This is where I own my power and full expression of myself.

As a child, I felt lost and lacking community even when surrounded by peers, neighbours and classmates. While I understand my parents’ decision to let me find my own path, I also see that they gave up a part of themselves in order to avoid conflict. This sacrifice had an impact on us all. As I am healing some of my own childhood traumas, this reclamation of a spiritual identity is a way to move through the stages of post-traumatic growth. There is power in this healing, for myself, my children, my lineage, and our future ancestors.

Looking back at my life with more clarity and wisdom now, I see the Heroine’s Journey I have been on. I had previously shamed my own mother’s attempts to guide me, and now here I am with my soul starving for this knowledge.

Maureen Murdock’s Heroine’s Journey has been a support to me in these last few years. Namely, her model of how a woman moves through life has an intentional place for a spiritual self. There is power in realizing we are not just physical beings but also have a soul that feeds and nourishes us. This is how we can more fully live a life with meaning and purpose. The origin of the word ‘psyche’ from the Greek language, and actually means soul. Like many things, we have forgotten its original intent.

As Maureen puts it, we have a quest in this time in our life: “to fully embrace their feminine nature, learning how to value themselves as women and to heal the deep wound of the feminine. It is a very important inner journey toward being a fully integrated, balanced and whole human being.” Of course, the journey is not easy and oftentimes it is without a map.

Forest for the Trees

What it does not have to be is alone. Having a name for this sea change event helps. Knowing folks who walked their own path beforehand, helps. Our path is unique to our own blueprint, but it is walked alongside everyone before and since us. That is the universal human experience. When we accept this truth, our eyes are much more open and we can reach our truest potential. The quest is the sacrifice that needs to happen as a way to pay tribute to the transformation.

“The feminine soul is what grounds us; it loves and accepts us in our totality. Our challenge is to embody this.” Marion Woodman

Marion’s work was committed to finding a feminine voice to Jung’s message. Not necessarily a woman’s voice but one that ensures we appreciate that all humans have feminine and masculine qualities. We need to embrace this truth and not fight it. And, that means also accepting that this is done at a soul level.

Accepting our full experience as humans means we need to include our soul, and how we are connected to all beings, be it our ancestors, community, animal or plant kin. Since matrescence is not simply a stage of life in human development, it deserves a much deeper focus that includes soul work. It is only since becoming a mother that I have reclaimed an understanding of being a spiritual being, and listening to my soul’s calling is very much connected to how I mother my children, my community, therapy clients, and myself. There is power in that.

As if the entry into this new identity wasn’t foreign and life-altering enough, I also felt alone in becoming a mother as I didn’t have a community, shared worldview and guidance that is needed for any rite of passage.

Rites of passage should be a descent to the soul, and a reemergence. Dr. Aurélie Athan shares that matrescence can be a time of awakening that comes with spiritual growth as motherhood is a rebirth of your soul, a portal to come home to your Self. It is a re-awakening and remembering. It is a re-wilding and reclaiming.

Having access to other’s values and perspectives helped shape my own, and eventually get a clear understanding of how I was meant to mother. This is how I integrated my new role into the rest of me.

In my commitment as a student of feminine spirituality, I am remembering that i was born witchy. My first oracle cards called to me as a 20-year old, and that came after learning about herbal medicine and being obsessed with fairy tales, myths and teen witch stories. Ironically, i’ve become more spiritual than i ever imagined – i made a rosary out of roses after all! I know that in various human development stages, our mid-forties is meant to be a soul retrieval, a coming back home to a Soul-led life: This is our Soul’s Code.

This was all meant to be, drawn from my own seed when I was born. I am meant to be Wild and Witchy, I am becoming more spiritual, and I’m including my family and friends in these rituals and ceremonies. I am wanting to create a path for our future descendants, so I can create a legacy that is the story i want to be shared about me.

I can thank my journey as a mother for this. It has been an ongoing self-discovery, and i’ve learned that our life is a living altar. Having an intentional soul-based practice brings meaning and connection to my life. I’m so ready to embrace this more fully now that my children are older and I have more freedom and spaciousness to come back to my Self.

A big part of my own journey has been to land with both feet at this moment in time: I am responsible for birthing not only my own children, but also the version of me now that has been a dream seed for decades. I am midwifing my own spiritual seed into being.

“A feminine spiritual path is in the body. It’s immanent rather than transcendent.” Kimberly Ann Johnson

For instance, this past weekend, i held the first in a series of seasonal self-discovery circles for women, non-binary and femme folks that are also on a soul path. It was a delicious initiation into my deepest calling, and I’m so ready to embrace this more actively. I realized that when we make a point to commit ourselves to soul work, we are also tending to our mind and body. In fact, research shows us that when we cultivate a spiritual practice, it can significantly decrease depression and at the same time offer a deeper meaning into our lives.

It also gives us the gift of soul siblings; others who are walking an aligned path to mine. This has been what i was starving for and didn’t know how to be fed. And then, i took a leap into the unknown last year and started to attend circles and retreats. And i spoke to friends who i already know, who also were deepening into their own lives.

Since matrescence is not simply a stage of life and human development, it deserves a much deeper understanding that includes soul work. It is only since becoming a mother that I have reclaimed an understanding of being a spiritual being, and listening to my soul’s calling is very much connected to how I mother my children, my community, clients as a therapist, and myself.

Self-Care is Honouring my Truest Self

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At a special Tarot reading to start the year, I pulled the Empress card. This card is all about self-care, and as this year is about Soft Strength, i felt this call to care for myself really spoke to me. It is when we deem we are worthy of care that transforms us from a capitalist model to a de-conolozied way of embracing rest as our birthright.

I know that self-care has been given such a negative wrap and yet I think it’s also because it’s misunderstood. As a life-long fan of it, i want to write this article in its defence.

Like many of us, I’ve come to the realization that self-care isn’t bubble baths and pedicures just for the sake of them. Self-care is a way to enhance our life and ensure that we’re living with our own needs and love in mind. It’s also a way for us to get more Self energy in our body. When we’re working with an internal systems framework in mind, when our Parts are activated, they take us away from Self, so giving ourselves Self-care is actually a way to get a more felt sense of compassion, calm, connectedness, courage, creativity, curiosity in our bodies; thus Self energy. So self-care is about helping us stay in Self and not get pulled into old defaults or systems that no longer serve.

Does this sound like a bunch of crap to you? I get that, as i’m noticing that i’m speaking in therapy speak here. So let me back up and explain it with some context.
First of all, self-care isn’t about self-regulating or soothing ourselves. It’s actually about enhancing our life by giving ourselves the same care we give others. And I think it can be especially hard for those socialized as women or carers of others.

Self-care helps us stay in what we call Self energy in IFS therapy. It’s about tending to our inner system so we stay present with what is right here right now. In order for this to happen, we might need to learn new activities, exercises, practises or resources to help us do just that.

So think about what books, people or practices help you stay connected with yourself. What manifests feeling compassion towards yourself, or gives you the felt sense of creativity or curiosity What activities help you feel confident with your Self or calm?

It’s when we do these practices that help us enhance our lives that we are also nourishing our soul.

For me, it’s getting time to myself on my SUP board. I don’t get to do this often, and it’s just the ticket for me. When i can’t always get on it, i use this practise of somatic mindfulness to get me to recall a time that i enjoyed a ride. It’s a short cut and works really well. If you want to know what it is, it’s the time i was on my board among dolphins in the Gulf of Mexico – pure bliss.

As folks who live in this time and place, we are conditioned to be busy, to do things, and to hustle hustle hustle. Patriarchy, white supremacy, and capitalism all urge us to be busy and productive. As women, we also face the added challenge to give of ourselves, from our own backs and bodies at times.

I read this great post recently by Rocio Rosales Meza, where she proclaimed: “You are not burnt-out, you are colonized.” It reminded me of the term Patriarchy Stress Disorder (PSD). Dr. Valerie Rein coined the term and describes it as “this trauma creates an invisible inner prison, that holds them back from stepping into the full power of their authentic presence, unbridled joy, outrageous success, freedom, and fulfillment. This is where women feel stuck in their lives, with this persistent inner voice that wants more out of life. They feel guilty for the life that they have and then numb the feeling with all the self-help things we are taught to do. You know what i’m talking about – yoga, therapy (i see the paradox here), exercise classes, books, retreats. They look for solutions to fix their life but they are looking in the wrong place – thinking it’s ourselves that we need to fix, not the ill-fated and misguided framework of patriarchy and culture at large.

Repeat after me: I am not a personal improvement project. I am also not the problem to be fixed.

Self-care is a bridge – a portal to living a life that is more aligned with your fullest self. That includes accessing a felt sense of joy, and being present with this moment right here right now. It is about shifting from one state to another one that is more ‘you.’

Your body mind soul need to be tended to, cared for. That means you need to listen to their needs. What is your body needing right now? What might be soul vitamins or a brain massage?

Self-care has a role, but is not the answer. The degree it can help you is in the proportion to how much the need is to alleviate the hurt being done. Burnout comes from a push for perfectionism, toxic productivity and poor boundaries. Ultimately, self-care is about taking the theme to access the things that make you feel like your truest Self. It is an intentional practice that enhances your life with meaning and pleasure, presence and love. It is what nourishes you as a whole being, not just the Parts of you.

What happens is we begin to experience a paradox: we not only over-give from ourselves but also under-receive. (Thank-you to Sarah Jenks for this insight.)

Let me explain this with a personal reflection that really took this home for me. I was lamenting to my partner about my workload, and struggling to take a longer vacation time off. I want to take a full month off in the Summer, but find it hard to navigate this with clients’ needs as well as my children’s. He listened to me and then stated that it’s good to be needed. It meant it as a compliment to me, a professional caregiver and mother. I told him I am needed too much and what I want is to not be needed for a break. What i would love is to be the receiver of such care.

I am more than the roles I play or the work I do.

Here is a helpful question to ponder: What makes you come alive?

Practising this helps me have space to do things i love, and not to accept things with compromising or giving up. This is especially true about my own happiness. It means also accepting what capacity i have in that moment so that i do push myself. This is a practice of Radical Acceptance of good enough.

“I will never have this version of me again. Let me slow down and be with her.” Rupi Kaur

This reframing, or rather reclamation of the concept of self-care is especially potent for mothers and folks who are actively parenting children. It is a necessary practice in early postpartum, so that we don’t get lost in parenthood. It is also true that it is not enough to ‘self-care’ the challenges away. This article by Motherly demonstrates this further. Thanks to the research of Stephanie Knaak, via Olivia Scobie’s book, Impossible Parenting, we know that there are key resilience factors to consider in postpartum that ensure a healthy matrescence. You can see from the list below that self-care is only one of the factors. I added a couple of factors that i have found incredibly important as well:
*Be baby ready
*Self-care routine
*Self-regulation of emotions and stress
*Helpful community and aligned vision
*Have realistic expectations for yourself and others*Know your core values
*Recognize your Motherline
*Have time to yourself and the other identities that fall outside of mothering
*Find moments of joy and gratitude
*Do not compare yourself to others or get stuck in comparative suffering

In case you need a bit more anecdotal evidence, i’m going to dare to take us back in time to April 2020, when we were all sheltering at home. I knew that i couldn’t just work from my bedroom and parent each day, day in day out without fail, without also tending to my own soul and care. So i created a recipe for daily self-care for my family: We had to laugh a little, move a little, cry and feel when called to do so, make time for connection with each other, and breathe and rest.

Looking back, i know i did this as a way to ensure i accessed Self energy, as that was tested a lot back then. I was pulled into a lot of Protective Parts activation and survival mode, and yet i knew i was safe in ways my younger Parts did not. That’s a key piece – i wasn’t laughing at myself, or spiritually bypassing what i was feeling. Rather, i was using what i knew were playful and persistent remedies to get into Self. When i was committed to it, it gave me perspective to catch when my Parts were online and wanting to take over. This made me feel more alive, versus the empty shell of me. This reframe was especially important because i was catching myself fall back into old trauma vortex tendencies, the trauma responses of my younger years.

Self-care is about updating your internal system to move you into your truest self. And with that in mind, i’m going to go indulge in decadent bubble bath now.

“Keep good company, read good books, love good things and cultivate soul and body as faithfully as you can.” Louise May Alcott

My Butterfly Effect: Transforming Birth Trauma into How I Work

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My butterfly effect is turning into a birth story healer after my own traumatic birth.

I used to get this question all the time: “Why do you want to have such a niche? Isn’t it enough if the person who gave birth and the baby are okay?” It angers me to no end when folks say unintentionally hurtful things like “at least you are okay” when folks share that they had a traumatic birth. This minimizes the key role the transition into parenthood has on becoming parents. It’s one thing to be okay after such a transformative and life-changing event. I strive to be better than okay.

The week that falls around July 15 is dedicated to raising awareness about birth trauma and its effects on families. As a therapist who supports people with this type of trauma, initiatives that honour birth trauma are important to me. As a mother who had a traumatic first birth, this week is even more important – I feel validated and seen.
I am honoured to support new parents to heal from this form of trauma. And yes, not all people who give birth identify as mothers, and the non-birthing parent can experience trauma from the birth too. As a trauma therapist, trained in various ways to process trauma, i knew that this would be a way to offer support and be in the best service.

Let me backup a bit and share what trauma is, so that we are on the same page, literally and figuratively. Here is a shorter and more concise, if not a bit simple summative definition: Trauma is something that happens too fast, too much or is too big so it impacts a person‘s experience. It causes overwhelm and can have a lasting toll. It can also be something that takes too long, is experienced alone, and there is not enough information or support. It also shows up as not enough care, not enough time, or not enough support. It’s both extremes because it’s also about being left alone in our experience.

It is not just what happens but also the absence of what should have happened if trauma didn’t get in the way. This is why all trauma has a felt sense of grief. Further, someone can continue to have unresolved trauma because they didn’t have someone witness them in their experience, either immediately or soon after. In short, trauma happens when something is too overwhelming for someone, and they feel alone in the experience.
This is also why a birth that does not go according to plan, and in fact can be quite dysregulating, can also be seen as a trauma. It is the experience of something that’s overwhelming, as well as the absence of what you wanted to happen. It has emotional and psychological impacts because of the distressing childbirth experience. The emotional toll of birth trauma is vast, and can lead to a diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Birth Trauma is different from perinatal mood challenges, and yet the symptoms are similar. So, it needs to be given the same attention and care. Like all traumas, it is up to the person who experienced it, not professionals or anyone else – it is truly in the eye of the beholder (Thanks to Cheryl Beck for this reference.)

One in 3 birthers experience birth trauma and that number is even higher for racialized mothers, people with disabilities, queer and gender diverse parents. This number has also increased to closer to 45% of all births during the pandemic.

To paint this picture, i’m going to share some hard facts about the impact of birth trauma. You may want to be mindful of your needs as you read this.

It’s helpful to know there are more than 1 kind of traumatic birth, in fact there are several distinct types of Birth Trauma: 1) Objective Experiences like the death of the newborn or the birther or serious injury to birther or newborn; 2) Subjective Experiences like a fear of own life or of newborns; 3) Systemic Failure and Obstetric Violence that makes the birther feel not heard or supported; and 4) Previous trauma that causes re-traumatization. If you want to get a better since of how this impacts people, this article shares one person’s experience after her birth trauma.

This Birth Trauma Tree visual is a powerful depiction of what birth trauma looks like, and how it can impact new parents. Like any experience of trauma, it is up to the person who experienced it to name it as such. Well-intentioned but still hurtful comments may come from family and friends. It’s important to remember that our society has minimized rituals and rites of passage in general, and even more so for rites that are related to “mothering” and women’s labour – literally. It’s no wonder that the focus becomes just about the physical act and not the spiritual metamorphosis as well.

Long-Lasting Complexities of Birth Trauma Show Up:
When others minimize your birth story because ‘everyone is okay’
When your child triggers you now
When it’s not the day you wanted and were told to have
When you blame yourself for the way the birth happened
When your sexual intimacy and body image is impacted
When the birthday of your baby is hard to celebrate
When your plan for having more kids is impacted
When you don’t know that there is support to process it
When you feel like your birth story is not as significant as others who had it worse
Becoming a parent is a major Rite of Passage in someone’s life. It is a type of initiatory experience. When birth trauma impacts it, the transition is harder and Integration into this new stage of life as a parent can be made more challenging. All rites of passage take time, and are in stages – Separation (i.e. no longer a Maiden); Transition and then Integration of this new role into your full. If you want to listen to a fabulous podcast episode about this, Jessie Harrold interviews Lucy Jones and they talk all about it HERE.

If pregnancy is the cocoon stage of a person’s journey into becoming a parent, birth is seen as the Transition Stage of becoming a parent.The transition to parenthood, and especially motherhood, should be a celebratory and supported time for new parents. This messy transition is not different from any type of sacrifice that is connected to a heroine’s journey. This one is that of becoming something that we have never been before – a mother, a parent. We are entirely new: This is what Matrescence is, the complete physical and spiritual process of becoming someone new, and in this case, a newborn parent (however you birth this child into being). So when the path is altered due to birth trauma, we experience a possible ‘psychotic state’ because we had to do it alone and not be witnessed in it. That is why new parent groups and circles are important and processing birth trauma is key.

Healing can Happen
As i mentioned above, i know that healing can happen because the traumatic birth i experienced with my first-born child was my butterfly effect: it created a ripple effect that changed the trajectory of my life, especially my career. As my initiation into motherhood was rocky, i learned more about birth including it as a rite of passage, the identity crisis, the mood changes, and also that birth can be traumatic. I then made the leap to change the course of my work and specialize in supporting others who had traumatic births.

It was my sliding doors moment, a way to reclaim this transition stage and ultimately experience Post-Traumatic Growth. Trauma healing moves through a spiral-like process, in stages that are paced and intentional. If you are someone who experienced a traumatic birth, it is never too late to receive support and healing. There is a healing quality to being witnessed and having an alternate ending, no matter how long ago you experienced the wound. Here are just some of the resources that i have found helpful:

1) Birth Story Processing is one of several therapeutic resources that can help you heal from a traumatic birth. Since as a supportive, narrative re-telling of the story, it can be quite cathartic. I have been trained in Birth Story Medicine with Pam England and have found this process a foundational part of my own healing and how i hold space for others.

2) Kimberly Ann Johnson has a lovely free meditation you can access. It supports your healing and offers healing through self-compassion.

3) Grief Work – need to grieve the birth we wanted so that we can move on. As Francis Weller shares in his powerful book, The Wild Edge of Sorrow, this can be a Gate into grief. It also is a testament of the Hero’s (or Heroine’s) journey. Grief needs to be witnessed and processed, just like birth stories.

4) As trauma is stored in the body, we need to heal the body first. It’s not enough to revisit the story of the birth. We need to reprocess the impact of it on our body. That’s why therapy modalities have incorporated somatic work as a main tenet of care. I have a process to help people unpack and transform their birth story. You can read more about it here. Other helpful resources are EMDR and Somatic Experiencing.

5) One of the Pillars of Post-traumatic Growth is Advocacy. While not a requirement to heal, when we turn what happened to us as a butterfly effect, or sliding doors moment, it is an opportunity for growth and contributing to our community. It helps us shift from our personal experience to a more global common humanity. If you want to read more about how birth trauma can lead to post-traumatic growth, this article (a PDF) does a great job outlining it. Teela has a very informative Instagram account called The Tea on Birth Trauma Here are just some organizations that do this work: Birthtalk and Birth Better.

Of course we want to not need the awareness campaigns and don’t want anyone to experience birth trauma in the first place. For now, we write articles like this and share resources to help you know that healing is possible. You are not alone. We deserve better.

We are not Maidens any longer.