Tag Archives: attachment wounds

Unleash and Surrender. Healing the Mother Wound

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I’ve been sharing here about the loss of my mom this past year. I haven’t really described more about my actual relationship with my mom, and one thing I’ve left out is how complicated and strained it has been over the years. That might be something i explain more in time. For now, what feels important to offer is that i speak about the Mother Wound from my own first-hand experience.

For so long, i saw her as the villain or cause of my own suffering. And while that may be true to a degree, it is more than that. She wasn’t my enemy: in fact, all she wanted was the best for me. My mom was a product of a time, like we all are. Her time of mothering was very different from mine, both individually and collectively. I always tell folks that i have a plethora of books; shelves full of life guides, human development texts, and suggestions on how to be a good parent. My mom didn’t have those books (and not because she didn’t like to read – she read more books in a month than anyone else), it’s because the books didn’t exist.

It’s only now that I’m starting to see her in a new light. One with more clarity, grace and understanding.
For instance, she moved across the world at the young age of 20. I always took that for granted. Mainly because she was always an adult to me. And yet she was just a baby adult herself coming across the ocean, with no shared language to help her. English was a language she learned only after arriving to the country i now call home.

And that became a big part of her messy transition into life in Canada and adulthood, and it shaped her experience. To now realize just how alone she was makes my heart break for her: To have to do that all without family and her own mother, and then to become a mother herself without access to hers. She came here for good reasons, and yet no one should face major rites of passage alone. In fact, there is research that shows when we do go through this alone, it can lead to psychosis. She had no direct models of what a mother is, or at least ones that were the role models she needed. She had to mother and live without a village herself.

I don’t know all her stories and now I never will. I do know that she mothered her siblings and never really had the childhood i took for granted myself. She never got to be a care-free teen, so when i wanted that for myself, it really pushed her limits. She had several miscarriages before and after me. These were losses that metabolized in her body, mind and soul. She was alone in this experience as well.

And so, she carried the mother wound in her. It was absorbed in me as the seed I was.

WHAT IS THE MOTHER WOUND?
There is already a lot of literature on the mother wound, so I don’t want to re-invent the wheel. Bethany Webster shares so much wisdom. care of my time is in fact another way I heal my mother wound: I am enough as i am, and i don’t have to prove that to anyone else. Instead, I want to focus on what can heal. I share my first-hand experience having done some work.

The mother wound is an archetypal paradox where those of us who are socialized as women are taught that our innate gift and role in the world is to be a mother*. Since it is assumed to be innate, we are not taught this. And then we fail: We either don’t mother in a way that is aligned with our children’s needs OR we martyr ourselves and lose our self. We are forced to believe we are not good enough either way.

*Anyone who is not a mother to children whether it’s challenges/ infertility or choice are also put into this paradox. It is not just about our own relationship with our mom, and we don’t have to be mothers. And it’s also important to note that not all caregivers who mother identify as mothers or women. And the Mother Wound can impact men.

So, in short, patriarchy and capitalism created this wound in us.

Let me be clear: It is not about blaming your own mom, and not all wounds look the same.

It is a paradox or dilemma of choosing ourselves over our children. We are never good enough. We live vicariously or we are selfish. We are not good enough as mothers if we fail and not worthy enough as humans if we don’t become mothers. In this prescribed motherhood, we continue this internalized sexism story that tells us our mother part is the most important part.

The mother wound is a part of a complex intergenerational cycle of trauma inherited from one generation to the next. Dr. Oscar Serrallach is a doctor who supports families. He wrote a whole book on postpartum depletion so I’m glad he describes the mother wound as “the pain and grief that grows in a woman as she tries to explore and understand her power and potential in a society that doesn’t make room for either, forcing her to internalize the dysfunctional coping mechanisms learned by previous generations of women.”

This belief leads to oppressive and impossible standards that expects us to:
*Constantly prioritize others’ needs, at the expense of our own
*Be the primary default caretaker of the household
*Sacrifice our own dreams in preference for what is best for the family
*Do it all well and appear at at ease and attractive or ‘ladylike’
*Relinquish our needs and burnout by focusing on our children – being tired means we are doing the work

This paradox teaches us that we will never be good enough. Since it comes from a patriarchal model of worth, these standards for women are not sustainable because we were meant for more, but the male leaders 400 years ago felt intimidated and feared the power women, midwives, witches, and holy women had.

My mother died and my wound is still healing, but i have done the work to know what i need. That’s why it’s not just my mom, and our patriarchal society continues to keep the wound ‘alive’ vs scarred over. So, the problem is not mothers not being good enough, or not juggling the mental load of life well, but rather who created this social construct and who benefits from it most.

Some rules are meant to be broken. Especially when the pain that is caused can metabolize in our bodies for generations.

THE IMPACT OF THE MOTHER WOUND
Ultimately, the impact of this type of wound can lead to deeply embedded limiting beliefs about ourselves. The wound can manifest in many ways, mainly connected to feelings of shame, comparison, and an ever-present sense of guilt for wanting something different than we have. We may also feel the need to make ourselves small in order to feel any love at all. Here are some that i have noticed in my own journey:

Abandonment issues
I became Parentified and adultified as a teen because my mom learned some devastating news that was too much for her to handle and hold alone. And yet, she felt like she had no one to turn to, to trust, other than me. As the first-born daughter myself, this was a lot for me to take on. And i didn’t know how to say no. I couldn’t say no because i was afraid of her anger, and also because i was afraid of losing her attention. It led me to start chasing love and approval in my relationships, especially intimate ones. I also learned that my own feelings were not nearly as important as hers, and my needs were secondary. I then learned to bottle them up and luckily found poetry and journal writing as a place to unpack them. Not all of us with emotionally immature parents are this lucky. Clearly, this informed my path to become a psychotherapist in a big way.

For many, abandonment issues like this lead to attachment wounds, low self esteem, codependence, being or feeling too needy. We become avoidant in our attachment, or at times disorganized because of the polarizing needs at play – to feel cared for and to not be able to trust

Healing Balm: If this speaks to you, track what you need and give yourself it. You don’t have to be the one that meets your needs all the time by yourself – be a steward of your needs, ask for them to be heard and see who can meet them. Healing takes time, just like our physical wounds. We need to keep taking care of them, so that they scab over. Ask for help and get a felt sense of receiving it when you do. That means really feeling into the experience of having needs met. Doing this work moved mountains for me. I learned that my needs are valid and not too much, and that being human means we have needs.

Attachment Wound
I have talked about Attachment Theory a lot here. To get a better sense of it, go to my previous articles HERE or HERE. These wounds stem from emotional ruptures or wounds that come from a breakdown in trust. For instance, sometimes your parent shows up (be it after school, at a dance recital, or a community event). Often times, they don’t. This inconsistency leads to ambivalence or anxiety in the child – will they be here or not?

When we are ambivalent about our attachments to caregivers, we seek their attention as a form of connection. Sometimes, that means we intentionally (though subconsciously) self-sabotage things because it leads to attention. This perpetual loop keeps us stuck in insecure attachments with others. We say yes to people please, and then sabotage the plan when we worry that the person will leave us in the dust. We do the harm first because it hurts US less.

Healing Balm: Find people in your life that are Competent Protectors. These are folks (real or imagined) who you feel safe with because they have your back, and nourish you. They communicate and connect with you consistently. By doing this, we can heal our insecure attachment style and gain what is known as “Earned” Secure Attachment. It is not earned because we are now worthy – we were already worthy – but rather it is a testament that our attachment style is not static and can change, and heal. I have done this with my own intimate partner, and also with friends. I have created a composite Inner Guide who is a Part i turn to when i need to feel loved and seen.

Adult Relationships and Guidance
In Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel, she describes 3 pillars that are necessary to feeling loved: Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance. These pillars continue into adulthood. At times, we may be faced with the jarring reality that our mothers were present and nurturing when we were children. It is as adults that we are finding ourselves alone.

Maybe your mom was a great mom when you were a kid and now doesn’t know how to care for you as an adult – we still need to be cared for and eldered. Our needs have evolved but that does not mean we need our caregivers any less. Adult children still need a wise elder to guide the way. We need guideposts to help shine the light. Our needs have evolved from the physical care of providing us with clothing and food. Now what is needed for survival are the emotional and spiritual sources of vitamins for growth. The need for guidance does not stop.

For many, there is a rude awakening when we notice that the mom we had as a child is not the same person as the adult we have a relationship with now. Of course, we need to also recognize that our parents have also evolved into new archetypal stages of life too. My mom was no longer in her Mother stage, but rather a Crone. So that means she wasn’t actively caring for anyone else. That doesn’t make the need any less important.

Healing Balm: Find an Elder and have a healing corrective emotional experience. We are surrounded by other adults but not necessarily elders. One thing that can help is to have a reparative relationship with someone in your life now. They can’t change what happened to you before (i wish) but they can give you what you need now. Maybe they can sit with you as you have your hard feelings. Or they tell you how proud they are of you. Or they can give you wisdom when you are in a liminal space. This creates new neural pathways in our brain, and ultimately act like a fuse that seals an old wound.

Legacy Burdens
Some of the things that your mom carries on her emotional backpack are not even hers. They are older than her too and she inherits them. We don’t just inherit our parents good genes and hand-me-downs. Their emotional baggage backpacks also get passed down via procedural learning and Limiting Beliefs. Maybe you are a perfectionist like your mom, or competitive, or have a high tolerance for poor treatment by others. Maybe you become rigid or too controlling as a protective mechanism. If that sounds familiar, these are things you learned by witnessing your parents displaying it for you. It’s like the broken statue that still holds centre stage on the dust-filled cabinet.

Maybe you don’t want to repeat your mom’s mistakes and also don’t feel like you can betray her. This is another paradox that is deeply connected to the mother wound. As Bethany points out “we don’t just bond with our moms but also her trauma and limiting beliefs.”

Healing Balm: Practice setting Boundaries. We need to stop repeating the ruptures that have been passed down. Maladaptive coping strategies and unhealthy conflict styles perpetuate this type of wound, so much so that they feel inherited in our DNA. In fact, it is learned and therefore can be unlearned. One great resource is Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships. Books like this are a testament that enough people have unhealthy and challenging relationships with their families, and that we deserve better.

Ancestral Trauma
Okay, this is a big one, and one that may feel daunting. It is not any less important. We can do this work in doable steps – to titrate the impact on us. Do you know that the egg that was first created in your grandmother? Think about that for a minute. Who was she, what time did she live in? What may have impacted her. This work is aligned with healing our Witch Wounds and legacy burdens. It’s important to share here because we are not that removed from the experiences of our ancestors. It an be the experience of war, poverty, enforced slavery, genocide.

Healing Balm: One way i do that is to first get to know the path that brought me here. Who were my ancestors, my foremothers? In Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ book, she shares that we need to know who came before us. It’s not to hold them in reverence (especially if they sucked) but rather to honour them as the makers of the line that brought us into being. This has been a journey all on its own for me. I am intentionally learning more about my grandmothers and mother line. I learned the names of my great-grandmothers only recently. My mom talked about them before, but to be honest, i never truly listened. Knowing this information is healing: I am the daughter my ancestors needed. Now that i know that, it means i don’t have to agree with their choices but accept them for what they had to endure at the same time.

If this is hard for you, books like It Didn’t Start with You, or What Happened to You are great resources to help explain this legacy and concept of intergenerational trauma.

HOW TO START HEALING
We need to grieve for the mother or care we needed and didn’t get. Since grief is also something we are not literate about, this makes this healing work that much more challenging and necessary.

When we start tending to it, here are some things that heal: our sovereignty, our relationship to our body, Money literacy, the choice to have children and to parent with intention, and our relationship with Inner Child heals. There are many reasons to do this work, to actively address the wounds with loving care and attention. That ultimately heals our ancestral line, or internal parts (namely our Inner Child and Inner Critic), and it can shift the story of any future family we may have. Even if we do not become parents ourselves, as a community member in this world, our own healing has a domino effect on others.

Some of us may need to cut all ties with their mom, especially if they are toxic or continue to cause harm. Ultimately, we can’t expect others to change so even the individual work we do for ourselves can be just enough of a dose to create a ripple effect. There is alchemy in that.

Bethany Webster is at the forefront of leading this shift. She has been prolific in sharing her experience, by offering courses and community. From her, i learned of the 3 C’s concept to heal a mother wound trigger: Be calm compassionate curious to do something different now if you feel activated or stuck. For instance, let’s say you go home to see your parents. Your mom may try to show you that she loves you, but it is somewhat messy. It comes off as yet another judgement or critique. I find that learning new resources to address triggers to be very empowering. We may not always be able to challenge her directly, at times it may not be safe or productive. Instead, do something that helps you self-mother the part of you that is triggered.

*Be Calm as a foundation – learn ways to access your basic Universal needs to regulate your nervous system. What might you do that is self-soothing?
*Be Compassionate as a way of giving ourselves loving kindness, and honouring our needs
*Be Curious so that we can move forward with new options and capacity, having turned that wound into a scar

Ritual to Unleash and Surrender
I love rituals as they enhance a wish or intention. Let’s say you want to let go of an old limited belief, or maybe you want to commit to a new dream for yourself. What do you want to leave behind? One way to do this is to create a ceremony for yourself by bringing in the elements – Air, fire, water, and earth. This is a sacred way to either unleash yourself from a limiting belief or to surrender into a new way of being.

*Fire: Write a Dear John letter to an old internalized belief about yourself and burn it – cut that cord!
*Earth: Plant a seed (a real one) that symbolizes a new dream that is growing inside you
*Air: Scream into the air or whisper love notes to yourself when you tuck yourself into bed
*Water: Have a cleansing bath with essential oils and rose quartz – or lots of bubbles

Have you heard of Womb Healing Rituals? This is a beautiful way to tend to yourself. The practice helps you connect back to your own body and also release some emotional blockages and/or baggage. I love guided visualizations that lead me through a meditation. Here are two such ideas for inspiration if this speaks to you: Yoga for Womb Healing and a podcast episode from Herbal Womb.

Still wanting more inspiration and self-love?

I recently joined a new friend in an offering for Mother’s Day. It was called Unleash and Surrender: Healing your Mother Wound. We lead folks through some guided meditations, somatic and reiki exercises. Mostly, we shared space with others who also feel this wound in their life. Katelyn shares more about the Mother Wound on her website HERE. The replay is available if you want to give yourself a bit of self-love and mothering. The included playlist and journaling prompts are worth it alone.

When we combine the understanding of the Mother Wound and how it impacts us, that allows us room to do the work. This is the Unleashing. Only after this happens are we able to Surrender to this new version our ourselves, where our wounds have healed over and we are able to live a full life without being afraid of the scab breaking open again.

We do this for us, regardless if we are a mother or not. We deserve this.The Mother Wound is called that because the pain is something that continues into present day. So we need to heal it so that the wound can manifest into a scar.

Healing Attachment Wounds

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Last month, i shared what Attachment Theory is, via the model of the show This is Us. I may have left you hanging with some thoughts (and possible worries) about your own attachment style. If that did leave you in limbo, i’m sorry. I also hope it motivated you to go to some links and resources to learn more about this body of work. This quiz is a great place to start to learn what your main Attachment Style is. Ironically, how we wait for support (or anything) is a sign of our Attachment Style.

This month, i’m back with some follow-up suggestions to share.

For one thing, i think it’s key to know that our attachment style is not permanent – it can be altered, repaired and heal. We also can have secure attachments with someone, and not so secure with others. In fact, there is a term for when we become securely attached – ‘Earned Secure.’ This is when we may have faced adversity in our childhood, and have become secure now, through therapy or loving relationships. This is because our attachment style is a state, not traits in us that remain stagnant. So, strategies can help us become more secure in our relationships.

There is hope yet.

In order to talk about healing our attachment wounds, we need to also check in about our boundaries. Did you know that both overly rigid boundaries AND permeable ones are responses to the same thing? Yup, it is connected to our earlier insecure attachment style: There was once a time when we didn’t feel safe, so we needed to self-protect.

The rigid boundaries and walls we make to keep people out as well as the people-pleasing response (or fawning) are both powerful adaptive strategies to feeling alone and scared.

While rigid walls were helpful as a child, they becomes an issue when we no longer need to be protective in present day relationships. It’s in our relationships now that those old tendencies and protective strategies can actually interfere with meaningful and deeper connection with others.

Fawning, self abandonment and rigid boundaries are all related to our nervous system’s need for survival, due to developmental or relational trauma and attachment wounds.

Speaking of which, i also want to point out that a relationship rupture is not the same as attachment wounds. We can make mistakes in our relationship, and repair them. Like if we forgot we agreed to something, or we are stuck in a rut. What makes it a deeper wound is when the rupture brings up old wounds that are steeped in attachment, abandonment and rejection. Or the incident is a betrayal of trust in the relationship.

Dan Siegel came up with the 4 S’s of Secure Attachment. While it’s geared for adult-child (parent/caregiver to child) relationships, it can be translated to any relationships. In order to feel SAFE, SEEN, SOOTHED and SECURE in relationship with someone else, our internal system needs to include physical security AND a felt security. If you want to learn more about his approach, here is an article with Tina Bryson, his co-author.

This is why there is a connection to our survival responses of Fight Flight Freeze Fawn and our attachment styles. A rapid flight/fight response in avoidant people sees others as a threat. So their nervous system brings out their Protectors. Avoidants do not rely on external supports but rather trust the handy work of their own Inner Firefighters.

So, what do we do? Here are some helpful strategies that may be supportive:

A) Attunement
Attunement is about signals: In order to know how we feel with others, we need to first know in ourself what we need. This takes some inner reflection and interoception work. One place to start is to learn what your triggers are. Ask yourself some questions like: What happens in your body when you feel abandoned or lonely? What emotions are being signaled? What are you saying to yourself about yourself at the time? When we can have this felt sense of self-awareness, we can follow through with the right remedy or resource to self-soothe or reach out for connection. What helps you personally – does swaying (a movement that mimics being swayed or rocked as a baby or in utero). Does going for a walk in nature help? What things help you feel more calm and centred? When we intentionally ask ourself what we need in a given moment AND act on it, that is healing attachment wounds in the here and now. When we can do this for ourselves, it makes it easier to ask others to meet our needs and trust that they will.

We have a human Need to attune, to our Self and others.

B) Be Seen and Belong
Gordon Neufeld speaks about the need of an Attachment Village. It is imperative to be seen as an individual and be loved in community for who we are. Think of someone in your life that helps you feel safe, soft and seen. We need only one other being that we feel seen by, so a village can start with just 2 members.

Stephen Porges (of Polyvagal Theory) calls this resource finding your Super Co-Regulator. It can be a maternal figure, or a cherished friend. What they do is emit a neuroception of calm and rest. They emit a “Social Releaser” from their body energy; something that releases in our bodies in social connection with others. The key is in their tone of voice, their compassion, and kind facial expression. It happens with socially engaged creatures similar to birdsong – when birds call to each other, or when wolves howl to each other in the night.

This can be challenging when our avoidant Island style has made it hard to be vulnerable and meet new people. So start first with gentle efforts like saying hi to other participant’s in your yoga class, or talk to other parents while waiting to pick up kids after school. Or maybe sign up for that pottery or Tarot class you have been wanting to make. Then reach out and say hi to another participant. Ask them to go for coffee after class. Swap social media contacts. I know it’s hard to make friends as adults – trust me!

“The infant and young child should experience a warm, Intimate, and continuous relationship with (their) mother (or permanent mother substitute) in which both feel satisfaction and enjoyment” (italics are mine to reflect inclusive language) ~ John Bowlby

C) Co-Regulaton fosters Connection
Co-regulation is an awareness of someone else’s experience and responding to it. Even the most securely attached relationships are attuned only 30 to 50% of the time. We can miss the bid for connection. What helps is to repair the damage caused (especially within 48 hours of it happening). For instance, think of when baby has hunger cries and the caregiver responds with nourishment. The baby’s interoception of hunger is validated, and their social engagement system is regulated. Our basic need for safety is having a felt sense of interoception.

Mentalization is the term for the effort the mind makes, the ability to understand actions by others and oneself in terms of thoughts, feelings, wishes, desires. It is about seeing ourselves from the outside and others from the inside : ‘back and forth, back and forth – the ability to see ourselves in another, and another in ourselves, is the gift of a loving relationship”

A high pain tolerance is not always a good thing – our distress in others can be due to developmental trauma, when we could not rely on others when wounded, hurt, or needing care. Similarly, it’s hard to reach out when our internal world feels sacred, whereas the external one carries shame; shame is an attachment wound and it thrives in isolation. So asking for helps is especially vulnerable or triggering.

Connection Bids help us feel seen and connected to others. John and Julie Gottman first came up with this practice. Also, one great complement to bids is to learn how to communicate effectively, as this is a key component in helping get what we want.

You know that feeling you get as you put on your favourite cozy sweater? That’s what co-regulation with an attachment figure, feels like for a child” ~ J. Milburn

D) Mutual Delight
One of the benefits of healthy relationships are the shared delight in an experience. While we want to feel secure in the relationship when we are apart (i.e. due to work trips, living apart, spending time with separate friend groups), we also need to feel that shared delight in doing things together. These moments of mutual delight are catalysts for tender feelings for each other, as well as building memories of stored good and gentle experiences together. When people spend time together doing things that are enjoyed, each member can feel a sense of belonging. This is crucial for building secure attachment.

I think this is why the pandemic has been so hard on relationships – couples, families, friends and colleagues. We have been kept apart and being together still feels scary or awkward. I think our attachment styles have been threatened with this collective trauma. It helps to start small, with something that is an easy delight. Maybe an ice cream date, or a shared meal at a favourite restaurant.

I love a good acronym as a resource. It helps my brain keep the info on hand. Jessica Fern’s book Polysecure has a great tool called HEARTS. Each letter represents a different practice that helps us build secure attachment with others as well as ourselves: H is for being here and now; E is for expressed delight; A is for attunement; R is for rituals and routines: T is for turning towards each other after conflict; and S is for secure attachment with self.

“Regardless of the source of our vulnerability – internal or external – the conditions that satisfy our attachment system’s set goals are primarily internal. We have to feel Felt.” ~ Bethany Saltman

Let’s look at the 3 types of Insecure Attachment now and see if we can get a further understanding of their needs.

Anxious
As you can see from reading my previous article on attachment styles, as well as these GREAT RESOURCES, someone who lives with an Anxious Attachment Style can become preoccupied with pleasing others in order to fit in. What can show up is Toxic Positivity and people pleasing practices in order to have some connection. Anxiously Attached folx are hypoboundaried, meaning they do not have clear boundaries because they fear being abandoned. So they will be more willing to please and follow along to not threaten the separation. While this may sound familiar and also daunting, there are some great and gentle ways to help you repair this pull.

Heal Your Inner Child – you may be been parentified, a saviour, a taught helper. So spend time with reconnecting to your own Wounded Child Part. What does she need right now? How does she want to be loved? What ways can you play with her? One of my favourite exercises is getting creative with a craft activity from my childhood. How about making some beads with polymer clay, or maybe making slime. Put together a play list or watch a show from that time in your life. The key is to witness and nurture her.

When our Inner Child starts to feel loved and seen, the instinct to please others will not be as strong, because we are connecting with our Self. This will be especially helpful and reparative when it comes to dating, so that we don’t self-sabotage our own needs in order to remain in relationship. This article shares more about our how attachment still can impact our sexual relationships. Find ways to grieve what your Inner Child experienced and also ways to not continue the pattern in your adult self now.

Avoidant
Similar to the benefits of taking vitamins for our health, Contact Nutrition is the formula of helping us feel connected. I first learned this from Carmen Spagnola who studied with Diane Poole Heller. There are 5 vitamins to practice: Kind Eyes, Soft Voice, Safe Touch, In Tune Rhythm and Shared Meals. So, when you are starting to feel the pull away from someone, see if you can track their eyes, voice, or reach out and touch them. Try sharing a meal with them and track how your body feels in this communal ritual.

Another way to help stay regulated and centred when it feels too much is to self-soothing resources like Orient to the Space or Find Your Edges. Both are breath exercises that look at your space externally and internally. I love this resource when i am starting to feel overwhelmed in a busy space. I contact a painting or item and then find its edges. I breathe more intentionally, i sigh out a sense of relief and calm. Other steps are breathing out the sound of Voo (a resource from Peter Levine) or saying “I am Safe, I am Home” softly to yourself. This is how we soften our bodies so that we can stay with someone longer. People who have an Avoidant Attachment Style have hyperboundaries and are rigid because they fear becoming engulfed or enmeshed with someone else. So we are trying to thaw and self-regulate before falling into a Functional Freeze State.

It’s important to acknowledge here that when we talk about healing our attachment styles and relationships, i am NOT talking about staying in an abusive relationship or reconciling with someone who hurt you. The repair work can happen with other people. Self-Compassion work can be radical because it reminds you of your dignity and right to live free of fear of someone hurting you. It also means treating others with that same respect and care. It is about having grace for mistakes and learning that repair after ruptures are key ways to heal attachment wounds.

“Self compassion is a Practice of building a secure attachment for the first time” ~ vania sukola

DisorganizedIf you have experienced family violence or partner abuse, it may seem hard to think of someone who has been a support to you. It may feel challenging to trust someone again. One resource that can be helpful is to create one. This is a Competent Protector (something i also learned from Carmen). Have you seen any of these old movies when a doll, mannequin or statue comes to life? It’s a bit like that. While similar to a Recalled Resource or Attachment Village, this resources is one that is created and more of an internal resource. Think of what qualities or traits would be important to you. Think of consistent care examples in others that you know personally or have seen on TV. I also like to blend parts of people i admire or feel safe with and put them into this creation.

After creating this Protector, spend some time in their presence. Do a self-guided visualization and see what happens in your body. Place your hand over your heart and do some Vagal Breaths. In Narrative Therapy, there is a similar resource called the Recalled Resource. This is an intentional practice of recalling someone who was an example of a secure attachment, even if temporary. Maybe it was a teacher, or a family friend, or even your family pet or stuffie.

Speaking of which, if it seems hard to think of another human, don’t start with one – people can can be assholes. Instead, think of how you feel in community with a favourite tree, in a swing, or with your pet now. Some of my favourite Competent Protectors of being in the water (a lake or ocean especially) or sitting under the Full Moon.

One other way to work on healing this attachment style is to reach out to a therapist. This resource can help you feel more anchored and get to a felt sense of stability. Therapy sessions are not real life, so they are a great way to practice in vivo. This is especially powerful if a rupture happens with your therapist, and you can repair the therapeutic alliance in a safe way.

Attachment wounds happen in relationships so we need to heal in secure relationships in the present. The first steps are trusting we are worthy of right relationships, building our capacity to stay within our Window of Presence and take some risks.

You’re worth it.

This is Our Attachment Styles

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I am a fan of the show This is Us. I love it for several reasons – It makes me release the tears i hold in my body, i appreciate the genuine and honestly imperfect relationships and characters, i am glad to see diversity represented, to name a few reasons. While there is so much to appreciate, one particular gratitude i have is how the show depicts attachment and relationships.

You don’t have to watch the show or even like it to see attachment theory as a repeating guest in its story. I promise not to intentionally share any spoilers, and yet i can’t help but notice the way Randall, Kevin and Kate, known as The Big Three (the 3 main characters are triplets) showcase the various types of attachment. It’s a good reminder that personality, our own genetic make-up and our resilience are all factors in how our attachment styles show up.

First, let me give you an overview of Attachment Theory, from early childhood development to how it manifests in our adult relationships later on in life.

Generally speaking, there are 4 different attachment styles where young children (before the age of 3) start to attach to their primary caregiver – Secure, Ambivalent, Avoidant and Disorganized. Thanks to the good work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, we have a better sense of these categories. The differences can be found in many great resources like HERE OR HERE. But to summarize, a Securely Attached child is one who trusts that their primary caregiver has their back, will respond to them with love and attention, and will come back when needing to be apart. An Ambivalent child has some trust that their parent will be there for them, but because sometimes they weren’t able to comfort them (for whatever reason), the child is unsure (or ambivalent) about how much they could trust their adult. An Avoidant child does not entirely trust their caregiver either, but they are more dismissive or avoidant in their reaching out to their adult. As you can imagine, a Disorganized Attachment is one where abuse, neglect, violence or other forms of trauma get in the way of building a healthy bond.

In the show This is Us, the family experiences a tragedy in The Big Three’s late teen years. Diane Poole Heller speaks extensively on how trauma impacts attachment Prior to that, you can see how the children each had their own relationships with each other and each of their parents. You can also see how the death of their dad, Jack (spoiler from season 1) impacts them into their adulthood.

The latest seasons unpack this even further. We get glimpses of their lives growing up and how their relationships with their mom form. The show really is about how trauma impacts a family, and how different attachment styles play a further role in how we move in with our life.

According to Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Attachment is formed by these 6 stages of proximity, sameness, significance, love, belonging and being known. Watching this show, you can see how these stages play out in The Big Three’s childhoods. It is reassuring how they created a way to acknowledge both their differences and sameness as all of them love the same sports team and going swimming in their local pool. In their adult life, the siblings continuously show love, significance and belonging with each other, even with all their different paths in life.

The show moves between past storylines and present-day experiences. As we see both time periods as the same time, this makes the impact of attachment that much more explicit.
Our attachment styles are formed in childhood, and take years to fully develop into any style. When we become adults, that original style typically stays present as our current relationships reinforce it. Or, we heal or shift our attachment style. Some people heal old attachment wounds and form healthy secure attachments with their partners or friends; others get stuck in abusive unhealthy relationships that put cracks in their formerly secure attachment. Stan Tatkin has adapted the Types of Attachment from childhood to reflect on these early attachment styles present themselves in Adulthood. This helps us understand both our love/intimate relationships as well as how we connect to our friends.

The Anchor
Randall is the most securely attached, both to his parents and how it shows in his relationship with his partner and children. Ironically, he has further intersections of trauma that could have played a more key role in how he attached. Scenes from their childhood show that he is the most securely attached to his mom of the 3 siblings. There are some episodes that show how his anxiety is related to his enmeshment to his mom, where he feels responsible for her. It may be because he doesn’t want to lose her as he did his dad, as well as his biological parents. Some of this may stem from his early Attachment Trauma Wound and race as he is black and was adopted into a white family. For many years in their childhood, they struggled with how to intentionally connect to his roots and identity.

It is important to note that our behaviour and personality does not all stem from attachment. This balancing act reminds us just how crucial nature and nurture is in families. Randall has experienced feelings of anxiety since he was young. A way it manifests in his teens is how committed he is and how he cares for his mom even at the age of 18. Now as a committed husband and doting father, he demonstrates how a healthy family can be born.

Memory recall plays a key role in what to look for when reflecting on our attachment styles. Attached people can describe all memories coherently, both positive or negative ones. Adults who are Dismissive don’t remember as much, or idealize parents; Preoccupied adults are wrapped up in those past hurts. These differences become evident in the show, through The Big Three as they recall their dad’s life.

The Wave
Kevin is an actor and he married his high school sweetheart when they were still teens. He has had a harder time committing to any relationship, but always shows up for his family, even when it’s messy showing up. He has struggled with how to take care of his grief and it comes out in unhealthy ways – his originally adaptive social side became maladaptive when it led to a struggle with addiction. He quickly refocuses his love for his partner, who he married at a young age. After the breakup, he struggles with healthy relationships for years.

His need for connection, being seen, and belonging keeps him in the loop of casual relationships and sexual encounters without connection. He commits hard, but then quickly spirals into a worry that he is either not good enough, or the relationship is not what he needs. He is like that perpetual wave; he’s in for a bit and then out. His work life reflects this even more.

Looking back, with the help of more recent seasons, it is easy to understand how torn he is with his grief and guilt regarding the loss of his father. This too is a powerful reminder of how trauma and attachment wounds are instrumental in carving out our life paths as adults.
Just like personality, delinquency is not connected to attachment all the time – risk taking is necessary for adolescence development. It’s when someone becomes more anti-social that is linked to attachment needs not being met.We have learned through research about childhood and adolescent resilience that children typically respond to adversity in three different ways: Promiscuous and Risk-taker, the Perfect Child, or Withdrawing to be Invisible.

Some of what shapes us is our attachment style, as it can be inherited by how our own parents modelled connection and bonding. This is where the concepts of Legacy Burdens (a concept from Internal Family Systems), generational patterns or procedural learning come in. We also are shaped by how our family is reflected in the bigger systems and society. This article showcases what makes a ‘healthy family;’ attachcment is just a part of the bigger picture.

The Island
The sole woman of The Big Three, Kate shows the most powerful transformation for me. Spoiler alert: she was able to heal her former insecure attachment and now become both securely attached as a woman in her adult relationships as well as start to heal the old traumas of her childhood with her mom.

In earlier seasons, Kate is in an abusive first relationship as a teen. She does not believe she deserves better, as she lives with low self-worth and body image. While her parents repeatedly support, validate and encourage her, she feels more seen by her father. When he dies (don’t worry, this is not a true spoiler as we find this out in the first season), she doesn’t feel the same secure attachment to her mom. She feels like she lives in her mom’s shadow and does what she has to get out from under it.

There is something to be said about the ties between mothers and their daughters. As mothers (and maternal nurturing role figures in general) are who in general model connection, this makes some sense. A whole genre of books, courses and stories has been a lot of focus on mother-daughter relationships. Just look at The Lost Daughter to get a sense of this. Sil Reynolds (a Marion Woodman-Jungian coach) wrote a whole book on her relationship with her daughter. Bethany Webster works specifically on Mother Wounds and wrote a pivotal book Discovering Your Inner Mother; and Strange Situation by Bethany Saltman speaks directly about her attachment style and how it shaped her foundation of attachment with her own daughter.

“Take everything off your shoulders and give it to me. I can take it. That’s what I’m here for. ~Rebecca (Mom) to Kate

While we can heal attachment styles, it bears mentioning that they can be passed down through family. Again, this show portrayals the impact of family violence very well. Jack’s own father was very abusive to his mother. This impact of Intergenerational trauma could have become a legacy burden for Jack, a carried down belief that violence and abuse was acceptable. Instead, Jack does some deep inner work to not repeat the pattern.

I love a show where some of my favourite topics as a therapist are covered. Attachment Theory, healthy relationships, trauma, family, for instance. My whole family now looks out for these themes when we watch TV together. While This Is Us in one of the best portrayals of these themes, we don’t have to look far to see them: Stranger Things; Marvel movies for instance – the origin movie for the Black Widow for example; the movie and book The Lost Daughter; the latest Disney movie Encanto (a new favourite as a therapist!)

So the next time you are watching your favourite show, or a new one, think about what the character’s attachment style is. How might that play a role in how they behave in relationships?

Knowing what our history is with attachment, how our family of origin modelled connection and commitment are key hints to what our current relationships are. They set the foundation for our attachment style and ability to hold right relationship wth others in the present and future.

These past two years have really put us through a lot. Our mental health has been impacted, our bodies (whether we got sick or not), and our relationships with others. I know a lot of us have regressed in how we socialize and our connections have suffered. This can impact our attachment stye. Sometimes, our attachment style starts off insecure, and can heal; other times we start off with secure attachment and then have an unhealthy relationship: This shows that our attachment style can change, or be different depending on who we are in relationship with. So, if you are left wondering about how to repair some of your own attachment wounds, don’t’ worry – they can be repaired. I’ll be sharing some ways to do that just that in next article.