Listening to Yourself

Posted on October 20, 2018 by Vania

I recently had to put the brakes on a planned weekend away with my family. And i mean literally. I’ve been working on trusting my intuition (or my gut instinct if you will) more, and the opportunity presented itself. Each year in September, we have been going away on a weekend as a quick goodbye to Summer. This year, our month was quite full and our weekends especially felt too busy. So, when we were able to narrow down a weekend to go away, we jumped at the chance. We told the kids, we packed our bags, we even packed the car. And yet the whole time leading up to it – and i mean a few days worth – I keep thinking to myself, “do i really want to go? Is this what i want or is it more that i think we should go? Is it worth the added work for me”?

Going to the cottage ideally means relaxing, reading, snacking, enjoying the outdoors. Going with small kids when the weather is cold and we can’t swim is another weekend all together. It’s just more work in a place that is not mine to unwind in. To further this conundrum, when I found out that we were not going to have the cottage to ourselves as we have in the past, my gut was silently screaming to me to not go. And yet, i kept moving ahead because: I DON’T want to have to tell the children. Ugh the drama!

So, after my sweet family picked me up, and we were halfway out of the city, i was updated more about the state of affairs at the cottage. It was just enough in me to say a firm “No, we are not going.” My partner also was hesitant (aka scared) to tell the kids that we weren’t going – we were in the car already for crying out loud, and they had already turned on their Long Drive Tablet Videos. But, i chose to listen to my intuition and not my fear. I chose to be the Alpha parent and teach my kids to face futility. I was there to catch their feelings.

And you know what? Sure they were disappointed, but they weren’t devastated. We worked out a great Plan B of fun things to do in the city and it was just what I needed.

All because i chose to listen to my intuition.

What is this thing i call Intuition, you ask? For one, it’s choosing to listen past your fear and ask yourself what is it that you truly want? Pause and notice what your body is asking for. Our intuition acts as an inner guidance. In the brilliant Many Moons Journal for October 2018, Sarah talks about how the word “intuitive” itself comes from the Latin term to gaze or contemplate. She posts some guides to help you connect more actively with your intuition. A good question to ask yourself is what decision are you looking at? Can you think of a time where your trusted your intuition, or what happened when you ignored it. You can start a practice to notice signs that are repeating themselves (like if 3 people in a week tell you to read a certain book, or a song plays on the radio 3 times in a day) – what could they be telling you? You could start your day by asking yourself to be open to a certain message or receiving help. Before you go to bed, tell your intuition what you need help with to clarify. See where it sits in your body – for me it really is in my stomach/gut or womb. That is where i feel the strongest energy pull to listen to what i know is best for me to honour. My fear sits elsewhere in my body (my upper back, behind my heart). That helps me locate where both live and then respond accordingly.

It can be very hard for us to trust our intuition as it can get so buried down. We may have learned to not trust it, especially if you are a trauma survivor and your internal radar has been untrustworthy in the past. Or it was taught to be hidden as a way to protect it. Ou world today still has misogynist anti-magic beliefs that are so pervasive, that it is scary at times to connect with this part of ourselves, let alone voice it. As busy women and mothers, we can get swept up in the day to day tug and pull of life. Sometimes we may not even notice that it is our intuition that is telling us to turn earlier onto a different street (therefore avoiding a traffic jam), or to make a point to pick up that public transit transfer ticket (avoiding a tense chat with subway police – yes i have felt that urge and am so glad i honoured it). Gabby Bernstein has coined the term Empowered Intuition, where you are allowing yourself to trust how you feel, be patient with yourself and choose love. What i love is that it is about choosing to trust ourselves and not carry judgement – itself a hard and empowering process.

What are some ways you can work on honouring your intuition?

New Moon Series of Self-Care

Posted on October 8, 2018 by Vania

I can’t believe it’s been over two months since my last post. Clearly life has gotten in the way of blog writing. Now that the Fall season is in full swing, I was able to look back at my last couple of months and notice what’s important to me, what’s missing in my life, what are some things I want to focus on.

So with that in mind, I wanted to bring some intention around my blog writing here – ways that I can both share a bit of me and what i find helpful. Since i focus on how to build a wellness toolkit for trauma survivors and people who are in the throes of new parenthood, I thought I could bring a focus to that.

So I give you the New Moon Self-Care Series. Each month during this Fall season, on the new moon, I’m going to share some ideas and thoughts for that moon cycle as well as an expressive arts-based prompt that can help you bring more self-care practice in your daily life. Expressive Arts Therapy is a great way for our bodies to feel the shift in relationship to what our mind is thinking. Because we are actually doing the work of making something with our hands and bodies, it can help feel like you’re integrating those parts of us that can feel so separate. We do not have to be artists in order to do these activities, nor do we need to spend a lot of money on any of the supplies. You can do this from the comfort from your own home, whether it’s in your bed, on your couch or at a table.

As the inaugural month falls on the month of All Hallows Eve, as well as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, I thought we could do a simple activity that can help us when we need some self-compassion. Take a moment this week to hold space for yourselves in your grief. Sometimes it can be hard to escape that inner voice, so a visual reminder can help. As this new moon falls on a Monday that also happens to be Thanksgiving here in Ontario, it’s a fitting time to take notice of both what we were thankful for as well as what we might need forgiveness for. As we notice the leaves changing just like the cycle of the moon, this starting point of our month can be a great guide to help us take stock in what is changing for us – what do we can change as well as what is evolving around us.

One thing we can control is the messages we keep in our mind about ourselves. I know that sounds easy to do and yet the reality can be so hard. This activity provides you with a simple watercolour practice as well as an opportunity to put down a mantra that could help you heal and find comfort. By making it yourself, your body and mind both can hold its message longer than if you were to buy a set of coasters.

Self-Compassion Coaster
Supplies:
Coaster or thick paper cut to size
Watercolour paints and brushes, bowl of water
Decoupage glue and brush
Magazine and scissors (optional)

Steps:
1) Before you start it can be helpful to help you set your mind and stage at ease. Listen to a guided visualization or meditation to help centre yourself and feel more connected to the activity.
2) Once you’ve done that, now spend a moment thinking about an affirmation, a quote, or a lyric that really speaks to you. It can be simple, a word, or something you’ve heard said again and again.
3) Once you’ve thought of the saying, now get your watercolours out and think about what feels like the right colour and motion you’d like to put down on the coaster. It could be swirls or an actual image – whatever speaks to you. Feel free to combine and colours or just stick to one.
4) Leave it to dry for a few minutes and have a cup of tea. Once the coaster is dry, you can now add the saying. I like to use permanent marker with a fine point instead of paint as I find that’s neater for me, but you can use whatever you like. Feel free to get creative – you could also use magazine cut-outs as a collage or use letters as a way to put your saying down.
5) Leave the coaster to dry completely. Once dry, add some decoupage glue to help seal your work and this also can help make it waterproof. And you’re done! Find a good place to keep this coaster is a nice reminder to you for those moments you need some extra love and self-compassion.

The 3 R’s of Self-Care

Posted on July 31, 2018 by Vania

Not to be confused with the 3 Rs of recycling, which are obviously so important too, but this rule is about how to reclaim (is that another R?) a self-care practice and find out how it can work for you.

I personally think self-care work is crucial to live the life you love and to get the balance we all need to be healthy. And yet, it gets a lot of bad press and eye rolling when people say they need to take care of themselves. I’m not sure why that is and i know it’s linked to mental health, so the taboo and stigma of mental health flows down to self-care. It feels frivolous and selfish to do things for ourselves too, especially for those of us that identify as women – we are told to be martyrs and to take care of others. But i truly believe that

We cannot give from an empty cup

So, if you are struggling with reclaiming self-care practices in your life, this list may help you feel more confident with your choice. If you need an extra help to remember why self-care is important think of these prompts – find ways to help heal your HEAD HANDS HEART & HEARTH and add more HAPPINESS HEALTH & HOPE to your life. Yes thats’ a lot of H’s – this post is brought to you by the letters R and H, and the number 1. I think this list calls for a worksheet – stay tuned for one soon.

True helpful acts of self-care are ones that allow you to do something without judgement, a way you can add joy and play into your life, and help you decrease possible burn-out or low feelings. You don’t have to practice daily but it is very helpful to set an intention each week to incorporate kind acts of love just for yourself into your life (notice what i did there – I said self-care without actually doing it!). These acts help you re-energize and re-group – and they get you back on your list of people to take care of!

Restorative Self-Care

This is the stuff that gives self-care a bad rap but they are so helpful as they can be implemented in the everyday. Some of them are even BORING self-care like a bath or putting away laundry. I love that too. It feels productive as it can be checked off a to-do list, plus i feel good about a room without piles of clothes everywhere. And, we do all need to bathe in some way, so why not add bubbles, a candle and crystal to the mix.

Other ideas of restorative self-care are: laughing at a funny show, eating something soothing, curling up on the couch with your cat, a cuddle with a lover, or a quick nap. These are the acts we hear about most – but a mani/pedi or massage are also ways we are honouring what we need and that our body deserves.

Reflective Self-Care

Reflective self-care is like a mini therapy session that you give yourself at home. It can be a chat with a friend who helps you feel strong again, and validates you. It can be a journal entry or a good book that regains a perspective that works supports you. It means going to therapy to share what’s getting to you. It means alone time and doing something you love. Self-care is not just pampering stuff like the restorative practices above, but ones that allow you to feel and honour what you are needing in that moment. Reflective self-care reminds you that all feelings matter and need to be nurtured in their own way.

Radical Self-Care

No one can say it better than Audre. I love how this quote reminds us that self-care can be radical – it means we can say NO to that one more thing we are asked to do. It means we don’t need to hear or take on unsolicited advice, to respect our own time and have that nap cuz I’m Too Tired to go out to yet another after-work union meeting. It may be radical to put your own needs above others and yet it’s self-care to notice what you need. It also might feel so good to outsource work that you don’t need to be doing yourself – like cleaning your home (even once) or getting take-out.

So, when thinking about ways to add self-care practices to your daily/weekly/monthly rhythm, think of the following checklist: Does this activity help me rest, give me joy, nourish me, and help me reach my window of tolerance (balance of stress and happy place). If so, then you are doing the thing!

What are some ways your bring self-care into your life?

The Summer I Saved an Alligator

Posted on July 12, 2018 by Vania

Each year, at the beginning of summer break from school, my family and I go on a vacation to the cottage. It has become such a family ritual that that we start to anticipate it weeks in advance. It’s a chance for us to unwind, relax, be in nature, and an opportunity for us to get a break from our everyday life.

The timing of this time away is impeccable: I am in the middle of a three-month long course that is offered by the Neufeld Institute. While it’s simply named Intensive I, it’s actually a very in-depth course on attachment and how it helps us reach our full potential. So as I’m taking this course, things are coming to my mind’s eye around the behaviour and emotions that my children are experiencing. This year, I found the time at the cottage to be even more important as it’s a chance for us to be alone as a family. I’ve been noticing my younger child becoming more and more attached to her peers. As an Attachment-based therapist and parent, I know it’s my role to remain the anchor for my children. Being the answer for them helps them to live their life as fully as possible. Watching my daughter become more more attached to her peers even at such a young age has been an interesting experience for me as a therapist and parent who is making very intentional decisions.

So, in order to help re-connect and be that anchor for my kids, off we went to our week away from the world. The weather was glorious, we ate S’more‘s and we swam more than once every day in the lake. Even though it was rather cold, the water has always been our happy place as a family. We could be cranky, tired or bored beforehand, but we always emerged from the water happy, content and refreshed. During one afternoon in the water, we were playing with our beloved water donuts. I of course brought to my favourite doughnut-doughnut, and we also had on hand the inflatable alligator that had been mine as a child. This summer my daughter has a goal to work on her swimming and so she and I were playing with the alligator as an opportunity for her to feel more confident in the water. Luckily she was still wearing her puddle jumper water wings because in one quick moment, the alligator overturned and slipped from under her. My quick instinct tended to her to make sure she was safe and well we were cuddling and checking in together and the allocator quickly started to drift off. I had first thought it was going slowly in the direction that would take it to shore but then I quickly noticed it was actually going deeper into the lake. I’m pretty confident swimmer and had been on the swim team in high school so I was pretty convinced that I would be able to reach the alligator in time. Because in one quick moment overturned from under. My quick instinct tended to her to make sure she was safe and while we were cuddling and checking in together, the alligator quickly started to drift out. Instead of going slowly in the direction that would take it to shore, it actually went deeper into the lake. I’m a pretty confident swimmer and was on the swim team in high school so I was pretty convinced that I would be able to read to the alligator in time. I was wrong. After a leisurely paddle where i was in my donut, i soon realized i was not going to reach the alligator in time. I have memories of this toy from my own childhood, and didn’t want to lose it so soon after my kids were able to play with it. So, i ditched the donut (this time int he right direction) and started to frantically swim at full speed towards the bright green animal floating in the water.

Luckily, we were the only people in the water and it was so calm (or maybe that was a problem). I used all the swimming strokes i learned (front crawl, breaststroke, backwards) and there were a couple of times where i had to quickly assess if this damn toy was worth me drowning or having a heart attack. I have to say there was a moment of panic of not reaching the floating device in time. Of course i did, as otherwise i wouldn’t be here writing this, but wow, was it a stressful moment for me.

I was able to use some de-escalation tools to help me get there, i used all the positive thinking i could, and worked on some radical acceptance that it was truly okay if i did’t reach it. A part of me know it would come to shore eventually. Another part of me wanted to be my kids’ saviour – of the alligator anyway. And you know what?

They didn’t even notice.

They didn’t realize how hard it was to get the floatie. But my partner did, and he tended to me and gave me some space to breathe. Literally.

So on that note, because i’m a glass half-ful gal, i’m going to leave you with some links to great articles about how to embrace summer, and how to make it meaningful for you as a parent. I work from a place where setting intentions help me live the life i love, and that summer means as much for me as it does my kids. So, here are some great resources to help you if you are stuck:

10 ways to stress less and flourish more
Mothering Arts Best Summer Ever list
Summer vacation: Freedom from or freedom to
18 summers – though i think this is too much pressure and not only 18 years, the article has some helpful tips

What are some of your favourite summertime family rituals? How do you spend the summer doing things you love?

Notice the Everyday Magic

Posted on June 10, 2018 by Vania

I’m not sure when i first heard the term “everyday magic” but it’s been something i am intentionally making time for lately. The concept of manifesting something is also trending right now, and i’m using the momentum of this trend as it is allowing me to combine my personal interest and tools into my therapy practice.

As someone who grew up with religious yet non-practicing parents, i had to find my own path to a spirital journey. I knew that the version my parents practised wasn’t the right fit for me, yet what was pulling me felt too different or ostracizing: As a teenage feminist I was constantly being pulled to stories of goddess or Wicca work.

Moving forward 25 years now and in the present, I am loving the balance of my every day practice, where I’m able to go deeper in the Wheel of Life practice in the spiritual realm. Including that side of me is a form of self-care. I know that now. For a long time I kept saying i wasn’t religious or spiritual, and I think a lot of that was because I couldn’t feel a fit for me. Now that more and more people are talking about concepts of everyday magic, tarot reading, crystals and moon worship, I feel more comfort and community in what has been tugging at me for so many years.

One tool that I love is this concept of manifesting a symbol in my everyday life, as it brings reassurance and confidence for something that I may be questioning or struggling with. In her book, The Universe has Your Back Gabby Bernstein talks about noticing an owl as her symbol. Here are some helpful strps to help you do this: has a few suggestions for picking your sign and co-creating with the Universe:

1) Be specific. Asking the Universe to show you something like “a butterfly” is too broad. Get specific about what you want to see – a blue butterfly flying past, a black cat curled up, the word “love” written down…the more specific, the more certain you can be that it’s a true sign from the Universe. It doesnt have to be something you see, but rather in a song or dream as well.
2) Ask for clear direction. Make sure you ask the Universe to send you the sign when you need it. For example, let me see a blue butterfly when I’m going in the right direction.
3) Accept when you don’t see your sign. Know that when you do not get your sign, you are being redirected to something better for you and all involved.
4) Try not to control the outcome. If you are trying to see a blue butterfly, and a white moth lands on your deck, that is not your sign. Be patient and wait for the right one. In this video, she does a great job in breaking down how do use this tool.

For me, my symbol of everyday magic is a butterfly. It may not be a surprise to you, dear reader, because I’ve spoken about butterflies in the past but let me give you some examples. Earlier this year, on a family trip to Costa Rica, I was walking through a beautiful forest with my son. My daughter was having a hard time with the heat and the amount of walking, so all of our energies and windows of tolerance were quite stretched. So my son and I kept walking on our own. Within minutes of me saying to myself I just need to be in the present and enjoy this sweet moment, a few butterflies fluttered by. They were those stunningly beautiful blue iridescent Blue Morpho butterflies. For a few years when I was a teenager I collected those framed dead butterfly artwork pieces and my very first one was a single Blue Morpho butterfly in a frame. Since these butterflies carry symbolism and sentiment to me, seeing them gently fly past me in this moment was so amazing I can’t even describe it to you. I actually didn’t even believe they existed in real life, nor did I ever expect to see them in March in this forest. Noticing them with my son definitely lifted my spirits and helped me stay present in the moment as well as bring me some joy and lift my spirits.

Recently when I attended a supervision session, I noticed for the first time, after year of attending sessions with my supervisor, a single Blue Morpho butterfly in a frame on the wall right inside the front door. I’m not sure why didn’t notice it before, nor why I noticed it at that moment but it helped to confirm for me that attending sessions with the supervisor is a good fit.

I shared a tool with you to encourage noticing and catching RAINBOWS. Can I tell you how often I now notice them now even when it’s not raining? So while this isn’t necessarily my symbol, it is something that I am taking a pause to notice. It’s helping me take a deep breath, be present in the moment, and confirm the every day magic in my life.

This article helps bring some daily practice in a gentle and meaningful way. Can you think of a symbol that can help you feel less alone, afraid or unsure? What ways can you bring more magic in your life?