Author Archives: Vania

Another Year Around the Sun

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Another year has passed. Another year faced with challenges amidst moments of joy. I’m sitting in the luxury of my bed and new duvet, reflecting on my year, on my birthday.

The word that held me was RISE. It was such a fitting word as it came up over and over again, repeating its way of anchoring me. This year, i was more intentional in asking myself questions that helped me honour the word. For instance, i would ask myself “how does this decision help me rise?” Or at times, i would call for it to help me rise when i was feeling pulled down.

The other theme that came up, more so unplanned, was PLEASURE. I sought out ways to enhance my pleasure practice, whether it was summer play, food choices, dancing in an embodied way. I had some other key words that also held this word for me: Rest, Initiate, Soften and Enough. I promise, i didn’t even know they spelt RISE until i sat with them a bit. So, between these various words, a theme came forward. Over the course of the year, each word was an extra dose of support. In the early part of the year, i took that time to slow down and rest as i was needed to tend to my children during the hardest part of the year. I didn’t push myself to try new things. I didn’t sign up for more than i had capacity for.

Then in the Spring, i started to notice what i was being called toward. I started to sign up for long-overdue projects and courses. I started to initiate more joy in my body and passion projects. Come summer (my favourite season if i had to pick one), i was ready to soften and bring pleasure in more mindfully. And now, as the year is winding down, i have been telling myself that i am enough. My work is enough, my good is good enough, my effort is enough.

I love how these words hold meaning for my life. They hold me accountable as i find them connected to my values, and what is important to me in order to live my life with love.

This is why the word of the year practice is so grounding for me.

I also wanted to take a moment to reflect on the year under the umbrella of Mind Body Soul alchemy. This balance is so important as it connects us to our deeper meaning. It also shows us what is necessary to heal or hold.

Mind
Wow, did i ever read a lot. I read books for pleasure, as a way to escape, as a way to focus, and to learn. I also took several long coveted courses to better myself as a therapist. I enrolled in a sex therapy course that i have wanted to take since i did my undergrad at University of Guelph in 1998. Talk about a bucket-filling accomplishment! I’m so excited about this endeavour. It has been such a gift for me as i diver deeper in supporting people with their sexual selves. I also did some great somatic-based therapy courses. One was with Peter Levine. He is like the grandpa i never had. I was so honoured to see him live (via Zoom of course) in action, versus a recording or for a short talk. It was icing on the cake that he co-lead this 2 day training on sexual trauma with Kimberly Ann Johnson, one of my mentors. Finally,I am enrolled in a year-long deep dive in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and am really into this as we are looking deeper at the impact of attachment trauma on the body.

I made a point to not enrol in too many courses, but rather balance my learning in other ways as well. This commitment to Rise with my work was because it was my first full year as a full-time private practice therapist. So i took on new challenges: i was a podcast guest (take a listen HERE and HERE if you’d like), i started supervising new therapists and an amazing group program for survivors, as well as a guest speaker in several amazing conferences and courses. This work excites me as it is based on the community work as a feminist therapist.

Not everything has been challenging my mind for work purposes. I have been playing with new ways to have a Beginner’s Mind in my creativity. I have been learning how to play with polymer’s clay to make jewelry. And, i have intentionally been giving my mind rest from unnecessary overwhelm and busy-ness. I’m so grateful i learned the concepts of ‘continuous partial attention’ and ‘soft fascination’ this year!

Body
Dance has been a big part of my life since i could walk as a toddler. It has become even more of an anchor these past 2 years. I have used it as the foundation to help me embody pleasure and joy. I have not been in a yoga class or any in-person community these last 2 years, and i really miss it. I definitely see the benefit of sharing space with others for our nervous systems. I am grateful for shared laughter with neighbours who i am close to, and a hearty chat with a friend on a walk. Recently, i went out with friends for a big dinner out and it was the decadent treat my body and soul needed.

As i have been saturating myself with all things Pleasure this year, i also have been playing more with my own sexual self; i treated myself to some new toys. I also have been tracking my responses to things by listening to my body and what it needs. This has been somewhat transformative as it is really showing me that i can ‘widen my window’ simply by tracking my capacity in a given moment.

One resource that i have been working on is my own breath. A few years ago, BREATHE was my word of the year, and yet i didn’t do it justice. This year, i have been listening to the guidance of Amy Kuretsky and her teachings of breathwork. I also took a course with Annie Bray recently and it further solidified my practice. As a moon lover, following the moon’s rhythm has been a landing even more firmly in this practice.

Soul
After years of playing on the surface of my soul, i now am ready to go a bit deeper. I have been noticing a calling to me. I’m not quite sure what it is, but i know its related to some inner work and reclaiming my feminine self. As i’m on the cusp of this change, the next step in my spiral path will possibly take me to do some goddess soul-searching work. I’m ready and also after this past year, i feel like this work is necessary. I’m excited about this so stay tuned!

Tending to my soul includes Rituals – everyday ones like a burning candle or a morning coffee in the garden. Big ones like honouring holidays and seasons. During the darkest days of lockdown, it was the rituals that kept us afloat. These rhythms that reminded me of my resilience. These are the practices of “soul vitamins” that i cherish.

Another way i nourish my soul is through community. As this was strained this year, i had to work hard at keeping these connection and doses of soul vitamins. Something i did for first time this year was share my card reading ritual. I gifted a reading for a friend’s 50th birthday; i read to friends at an All Hallow’s Eve party; i shared a few readings with community online. This was such a lovely way of sharing more of me, it felt like honouring my calling. As i dive into some Goddess Archetype work, this practice will be a big anchor for me.

Since we were home so much, we took this time to do some home renovations. Some were long overdue necessities, others were painful (read this journal for a reminder!). All were gifts for me soul, as they showed for me how nourished i feel at home. It really is a sanctuary for me. Now that i work almost exclusively from home, this work was even more important. Working from home has its own list of both/and so making some changes helped me keep that balance and boundary that i need to stay within my window.

As i spoke above already, having a word that anchors my year is especially supportive for my soul. This year, i feel like i met my words of RISE – rest initiate soften enough. Now i’m ready for what comes in 2022, and i am holding my place in the unknown.

My words for next year are almost ready. This gentle practice holds space for my feelings and dreams. I am putting the finishing touches on my guide Reflections of the Year booklet. If you want to learn more about this process, you can join me by signing up for my newsletter – the link is here. My next journal will share more about this ritual.

Here’s for another spin around the sun.

My Body is My Home

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This past year and a half, our physical health and wellbeing have been at the forefront of our minds. While our bodies host our health, they have not been our focus for care. So many of us have either gained weight, found comfy pants or had to come to terms with a new way of moving their bodies. And yet it’s our bodies that have helped us get through this challenging time.

We have adapted, or day i say pivoted. We found new ways to accept our softness and be less critical of ourselves. And yet i wonder if it’s just for the short-term.

I have become aware of how my self-talk mirrors my relationship to my body. After years of wearing make-up daily, this past year has been a make-up free zone. My kids don’t see me getting ready to go to work anymore, because i’m not really going anywhere. I always associated make-up with leaving the house to be in the public realm. It’s a bit of my armour, or mask if you will allow this word. I don’t miss it at all even though it was a way of making me feel like I was doing something outside the home. Now it frees me up to do other things, mainly sleeping in later.

For me, this has been a reckoning, a reclamation of my worthiness as a woman without falling prey to the story of needing adjustments to become better. I needed this shift away from listening to cultural rhetoric about what makes a ‘good woman.’

As a child of the 70s and 80s, I can remember certain stories in pop culture that reinforced the idea that thinness is ideal. That as women, we needed to aspire to this unrealistic expectation, even when it was to our own detriment. I distinctly remember an ad that told us “you can’t pinch an inch.” To be honest, i remember the phrase and image but for the life of me I don’t even remember what the ad was for. But that saying definitely stayed. So, clearly the message mattered more than the product it was advertising.

Now as a therapist who supports women with their transitions – into motherhood, middle age, or after a traumatic relationship – i guide them to connect with their body. It may not be a main goal, but it comes up time and again. Healing and repairing our relationship with our body is a main part of stepping into these new roles and phases of our life. It is our body that joins us on this ride called life. We are used to ignoring it, not having vocabulary or awareness for it. This way of holding our body with resonance is a reclamation.

I would also argue that since we have been giving birth to babies since the beginning of time, maybe this act of resilience is really just embracing what our power is, and celebrating it as we should.

Any of us who has had newborns in our life knows that our body changes postpartum in drastic ways, and isn’t ours alone. Our baby needs us, and that includes our body, so their need usually becomes the priority in order to survive. We hold them for hours to help them sleep, our nipples become raw, we feel like we can’t pee for fear of waking a sleeping babe in our arms. That leads us to feeling touched out and disembodied.

I love the word matrescence, the transition we experience when we become mothers/parents. Similar to adolescence, it’s a messy and hormonal shift and a lot of newness comes with it. So instead of mourning the bodies we have lost, it may be more productive and empowering to love what we have, and what our new bodies are capable of.

As feminism is all about choice, being comfortable and confident in our skin is one way of protesting for sure.

It’s a way of reclaiming our bodies and reminding others that our bodies are powerful – to get pregnant and birth a HUMAN from. I have been loving my Instagram feed that shows many versions of postpartum bodies being celebrated as it gives us a chance to build on our Feminine power. And yet for some many recent generations, the postpartum body has been ignored or hidden, or made to feel ugly. It’s interesting that we are noticed and touched when pregnant, but when a birther has a baby in arms, the focus and attention is all on the baby. It’s like the new mom has become invisible again, back into the shadows.

We aren’t meant to bounce back! In fact, losing the baby weight so quickly puts pressure on us, keeps our bodies sexualized, centres male privilege and consumerism (“buy these products to bounce back to your pre-baby body, and fit your jeans again!”). And it can perpetuate the norm around maiden bodies versus being a goddess or matriarch. Also, this pressure has an incredible impact on postpartum mood, relationship with partners, and self-esteem.

I also think that it’s helpful to remember that my body is my own, and it is up to me to define it, no one else. I can feel like a goddess one day, and more like a maternal healer another. I can be both/and – not stay stuck in one identity only. Feminine power and pride of growing a baby inside us should allow us the right to celebrate our body postpartum – instead of being taught to pathologize it or feel shame when we need Pelvis PT or have stretch marks. I love hearing about other countries’ ways of supporting people who have birthed by making access to physiotherapy easier for instance. As a therapist, my work around birth trauma and body image is to help my clients focus on the scar not the wound, as it is also more healing and empowering. This too is an act of reclamation.

Jessie Harrold wrote the Project Body Love: My quest to love my body and the surprising truth i found instead. In it, she shares her personal journey in reclaiming her body after having children and generally as a woman. She shares her tiny experiments of getting to learn more about herself by centring her body. For instance, asking herself what is her purpose for her body. More than taking it for granted, what it does for her, and how she can nurture it in return. This is a very intentional way of coming back to Self, and holding your body at the centre of it.

This practice of establishing a healthy relationship with our bodies is a process, one that is both necessary and sacred. If this is something you are struggling with, now that you are not alone. Here are some tips that may help:

1) Somatic Practise: This is my body
Sit comfortably and either play some soothing music or light a candle for extra comfort. With one hand, touch a part of your body and say “this is my body. This is my neck. This is my heart.” Or try “I am home here. My body is my home.” Repeat after doing it for a few rounds and see how you may feel after. This practice of

2) Reward it: Self-love for parts
It can be hard to start feeling good or positive about a part of our body that gives us grief, or we struggle with. Instead, start with a part you may be neutral or even a bit proud of already. Give it love – get a new lotion and do a self-massage of your hands, or maybe get a pedicure for your feet and all the work they do for you. Treat yourself to a new scarf for those shoulders that hold so much for you!

3) Gratitude Practice: Love letter
Have you ever thanked your body for what it does for you? It might feel triggering to do so for it in its fullness. Instead, write a letter of appreciation to the part of you that helped you through a difficult day, or hard moment. Maybe you want to draw out the moment as a way to honour your Inner Child.

Coming Back Full Circle

Now that my children have grown up a bit, they are needing my body less and less. There is still time for cuddles, hand holding, and washing hair. And yet, their bodies are growing in front of my eyes. My son is now basically the same height as me and my daughter’s shoe size is the same as mine.

My daughter has been figuring out who she is this year. And while i’m bearing witness to it, i am also an active member on the sidelines. She recently got herself a pair of ripped jeans. I had to consciously check my reactions. A part of me was worried about the attention she would get, another part was concerned why she wanted the jeans. I don’t own any ripped jeans, so this reminded me that i am not her only model now. It makes me recall this report that the American Psychological Association put forth about the sexualization of girls.

It takes a commitment to model a healthier body awareness and appreciation. My nine-year-old is definitely starting to notice her body in relation to others and also how it’s changing. Both kids are on the cusp of puberty and I’m pretty excited, if not a bit worried, about the change that is yet to happen.

In her book Mothers, Daughters and Body Image, Hillary McBride shares ways to help our children have a better body image. She shares 5 key steps: 1) Co-View – Be present with media and 2) Get in between them and the media messages 3) Teach them media literacy 4) Notice how you compliment 5) Reflect on your own comments about your body. Make sure your partner also is aware. I appreciate these tips and would also suggest i do them for myself too. It helps to get a sense of what we say to ourselves about ourselves when in the presence of social media and pop culture. There is procedural learning from our own childhood and teen years that has shaped this.

“You were never meant to play small just to make other people comfortable, and it is possible to be loved and fully you at the same time” ~ Hillary McBride

Women in the Mirror

I think there is a movement in the public arena that celebrates all bodies as beautiful because they are real. I love the saying “perfectly imperfect in every way” as it allows space for authenticity and realistic expectations. That ideal we are reaching for, doesn’t even exist – and we now know that Instagram, Facebook, and commercials use massive filters to hide ‘flaws.’ So, we can do better than looking at what is prescribed as the perfect body (skinny, tall, white, able-bodied).

Social media images like these are normalizing and work to make other women feel less alone, less ashamed of their own “imperfect” postpartum bodies. It’s not a coincidence that these campaigns come at a time when there is more work being done to address vulnerability and courage, as well as self-compassion. Brene Brown speaks volumes about the healing power of being vulnerable as it allows space to grapple with our insecurities and push them aside. Kristin Neff speaks about self-compassion, and one of my favourite principles of her work is common humanity, which is noticing we are not alone in our struggle or feelings. So when we see others in magazines or on TV that have similar bodies and scars, we can feel validated and that is so healing. It’s hard to hear the inner critic in us when we also feel ourselves in others’ bodies.

I also think it is very important to see ourselves in the media as it can lessen the impact of postpartum mood disorders, low self-worth, or the impact it has on our relationships. We are not the only ones watching – our partners are, our families, are too. This mindset shift allows us to come to a place of acceptance, body positivity and self-love. This acceptance can be the shift we need to go out to the park in the summer, to go swimming with our children in the local pool, to be present in our lives as well as our children’s instead of internalizing the negative thoughts about our bodies.

One other wonderful resource is Sonya Renee Taylor’s book My Body is not an Apology. It unpacks the intersection of colonization, white supremacy and male privilege as it relates to our body image as a society. She has since come out with a workbook, Your Body is not an Apology and this is such a great gift for reclaiming a loving relationship with our body. There is something really invigorating about being able to see yourself in others (bodies, photos, campaigns) and it speaks to how important Intersectional Feminism is in regards to representation, and where media and consumer industry has been behind the times for so long.

Our body reminds us that this stage of new parenthood is hard work. That’s why i need to take care of me (and my body) in order to keep going. As i get to the other side of parenting, my children need me differently. My body is not as used, touched and pulled in different directions as much. And yet it is exhausted, and worn to the bone in other ways. That’s why we need to keep an active practice of care for our body.

Trauma survivors have a complicated relationship with their bodies. After experiencing violation and betrayal, their bodies carry the weight of the memory. Coming to a new place of awareness, acceptance or even awe is a reparative process. This includes anyone who either experienced abuse before becoming parents, as well as people who experienced birth trauma. When we are told over and over again that birth is a natural process, when things go wrong or our bodies don’t work as they ‘should,’ a lot of that gets internalized. When we have scars (internal or visible), we feel less than our peers who birthed differently, whether a home birth, vaginally, or without a need of surgery. An unfortunate competition and hierarchy puts us into clubs right from the time we birth our babies. We internalize this comparison and it keeps us stuck in a shame spiral. We deserve better than this.

I think that a new paradigm is possible: moving away from the view that holds negative views of women and being judged by our appearance, to one that is a positive depiction of our worth and strength. I also really love the focus on our transformation after having children/giving birth to children. Instead of focusing on the ugly, why can’t we celebrate this shift. This is an active self-love movement that is growing. It’s both an act of courage and a Fuck You to show yourself to the world, flaws and all. In a world that still lives with white privilege and ableism, isn’t it an act of courage and resistance to show off our real selves?

We can be both maternal and more. We are not just mothers, even when we are. The sacrifice isn’t in our bodies or the scars we got from giving birth, but rather how others keep us from accepting our new bodies. The sacrifice comes later when we are told to hide, or feel like we can’t enjoy our life in our new bodies. The sacrifice is when we are not supported to be more than mothers, and to live more meaningful, full lives. We end up sacrificing ourselves in order to take care of babies because we were left alone in caring for them. This reclamation can be a chance to build back a community of support.

Kiss your own fingertips
and hug your own curves.
You are made of waves and honey
And spicy peppers when it is necessary.
You are a goddess,
I hope you haven’t forgotten.
~ Emory Allen

The Serpent and the Butterfly: Shedding the Skin that No Longer Serves

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When i was contemplating my decision to have children many moons ago, i had to ask myself some hard questions. What kind of mother did i want to be? Did i want to be a mother? Who would be part of my village as a support to me? What work did i have to do first in order to show up as a mother? Did i feel aligned with the label of Mother, and how would parenting change me?

In order to help me grapple with these questions, i looked at my models of motherhood. I reflected on these relationships to help me get a sense of this role. My own mother was very invested in her identity as a mother. She made sacrifices as a woman, a newcomer to Canada, in order to be as present and active as a mom. She took my sister and i to every dance, music and swim class. She sat in the lobbies and waited for us. She showed up and was always around. Of course, she had a life outside of us but i didn’t really see it, nor ask her. It was assumed that she was solely, or at least mainly, mom.

I looked at other mothers – my friends’ moms, my dance teacher, TV characters – all mainly showed that mothers martyred themselves for their children even when they balanced this role with other parts of their life.

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” ~ragneesh

In the end, i knew that i wanted to include children in my own life, and yet i also knew that remaining a therapist was important to me too. I further knew that keeping parts of me active was imperative in my transition into motherhood, and coming out of the other side of it. While i appreciated the sacrifices mothers made at the time, i knew we deserved better ourselves.

And yet all the good books on becoming mothers and having children were more about how to feed and clothe babies, instead of helping us with this major rite of passage we experience. Patriarchy still enforces, and not so subtly at times, that women’s role is to raise children: That it’s an inherent knowing versus a learning-as-we go imperfect model. We are told to bounce back to who we were before, or at least our bodies are supposed to.
We are not meant to bounce back. We are not the same as before. We are not yo-yos or slinky toys. We may be better or not but we are clearly changed. We all die these little deaths in our lifetime, because we are supposed to.

When it came to this massive shedding of skin and reckoning, mothers are still coming out of the goo of chrysalids on their own. While we are creating a new skin, the idea of being more than a mom is still kept in the shadows.

Now, 12 years into parenthood, i have a better sense of the mother i want to be. I also know that we cannot make this transformation alone. Luckily, there are more books, resources, and communities that speak about this openly and directly.

The death of former me is now my chance to rebirth a new version of myself. This is the snakeskin transition. And yet, we are not given time or permission to grieve the old version of us. We are supposed to jump all in and celebrate motherhood wholeheartedly. We arn’t supposed to regret it, and if you do…good luck.

We need to grieve for the person who we were or hoped to become, and also take from her what we want to continue holding. This is alchemy in human-form. Alchemists work to completely change (or devour) what was in order to become something new and stronger. It is meant to be a cyclical process.

I participated in a powerful workshop over the summer, where Kimberly Ann Johnson had Deborah Quibell as a guest. She is a Depth Psychologist who focuses on Matrilineal Reconstruction through the lens of Jungian Archetype work. I know that’s a mouthful and yet it really shows a light on this identity shift.

The pervasive and traditional paradigm of what makes a mother is based on these roles: nurturer, protector, empowerer and initiator. Phillip Moffitt speaks further about these functions in this amazing article by Bethany Webster. And yet, i also think that the Mother Archetype is deeper than that – she is the creator of life, of manifesting into being what was not there. This could be a child, but also creating art, a new job, or a garden. So much emphasis is put on the work of nurturer, protector, and empowerer that it seems to be disregarded that we also initiate, or create.

What we also create is a new version of ourself – our former version is now dead and we have been reborn as in this new archetype, identity, or role. So it’s important to ask yourself “where am I now? What is my transition now? WHO am i now?”

Jung spoke a lot about archetypes and the different processes of transformation. The process helps us contain and right us in our story. As a Cycle, it holds me with some parameters for safety. And yet, people going through this major metamorphosis of parenthood are not reminded of this shift overtly. This sea change has fallen to the shadows.

So, it’s important to revisit these archetypes, as a way of normalizing this magical identity crisis. This is where Empowerment comes – i cannot empower anyone else, that work comes from within and is embodied.

Some of us are not mothers by birth nor have children to care for. And yet, the Mother archetype is more than raising children directly. The concept of “Mother” archetype is when you are in the “full bloom phase of your life, where you step into maturity and claim your inner power. It is about losing the charge of the child (or “maiden”), answering your soul’s inner calls, tending to your own inner wounds from a place of maturity—so that you can answer the convictions and calls of the world that is in such desperate need of mature feminine, Mother energy.” If you want to learn more about this, check out Sarah Durham Wilson of Motherspirit – her work is transformative.

The Mother archetype is for anyone, including those of us who is not a physical mother —it’s one thing to be a mother and another thing to be in the Mother phase of life.

Marion Woodman was a Jungian analyst who focused on this body of research. “The woman who is a virgin, one in herself, does what she does not for power or out of the desire to please, but because what she does is true.” This article dives deep into her work, as she believed the archetypal rite of passage was maiden-mother-virgin-crone I kind of love that she tried to reclaim the word ‘virgin’ to better reflect someone who is

There’s a beautiful word called matrescence that speaks to this messy transition and change in role and identity. Only after becoming a mother of two did i see i wasn’t prepared for the grief and loss of my life beforehand. When I realized this rite of passage needs to be messy and then integrated, it allowed me more self-compassion, acceptance and autonomy with this new role. Not all of us who are maternal are mothers and not all of us identify as mothers, and yet it’s such an age-old expectation. So having time to grieve is a empowering way of holding on to our full range of feelings. Having space to share these thoughts is itself a wonderful way of finding community when we feel so invisible.

All change takes time to integrate. The transition into motherhood takes up to 2 years. It’s a messy process, not unlike a butterfly coming from the goo of a chrysalis. Jessie Harrold speaks about this a lot and i love that she also refers to this messy transition as goo. In this article, she shares more about this change of rites of the heart.

“What the caterpillar sees is the end the rest of the world has not met as the butterfly”. ~Lao Tzu

Rites of Passage have three phases: separation, liminality, and incorporation (integration), as van Gennep describes: “I propose to call the rites of separation from a previous world, preliminal rites, those executed during the transitional stage liminal (or threshold) rites, and the ceremonies of incorporation into the new world postliminal rites.”

Here is a summary of the three stages of transformation:
1) Nigredo – Separation or Death
Here, we are reminded that we need the dark soil to give us nutrients. The shadow is not a bad or dark place, but a necessary reflection of richness in the dark. It is a passage, and opening. So, similar to the chrysalid, we need to take this time to retreat inward and reflect on our journey thus far, be in the moment, and breathe

If we think of a garden, it needs the dark soil to give nutrients and the shadow to let it grow. There is Richness in the dark. That is why we now hear the phrase “dark night of the soul’ as a passage: When we recognize this as a necessity to move through, it’s easier to do so.

If you are in this Phase, take some time to 1) Meditate on softness, breathe fully 2) retreat inward or in nature, 3) be still and settle in. Drop down, just like the model of a garden dropping its roots in the underworld 4) find images that are peaceful in the darkness 5) light candles to honour the shadows

This process creates a fight within us. When we break apart, that’s when we see the light. So we need the darkness to help us and guide us where to go

2) Albedo – Liminal (neutral) Space Between
This is a time that brings some clarity. We start to wash away impurities or inconsistencies. This is a marked change in attitude and deeper meaning to the process of change. So, it’s important to not rush and declare suffering is over. There is still some fragility and vulnerability in this new version of you – again, i see a young seedling that is trying to survive an early Spring storm.

The people in your life may expect more of you than you can give. They might try to put their thoughts on you. So instead, honour the quiet moment for its simple, innocent beauty. Embody a felt sense of joy and relief to come out of darkness. Ask who has come, and what does it need? Get close to suffering and sift it to find the gold.

It is still early to explain this to others as you are still tender here. What is the conversation you want now? You haven’t truly integrated yet – this is the liminal space that is messy and tender. You may still be bracing in case you may suffer again. As Deboarah put it, “it is Daybreak but not sunrise quite yet”

A ritual here could be to light a candle and then say out loud what you want to bring out of the shadows. Bringing the Shadow into the light with curiosity, self-love or compassion. The more we can embody our feelings, we are able to bring into the forefront our shadow. Movement and dance are key. Breathwork and posture helps too.

3) Rubedo – Integration and New Beginnning
This is the time of reckoning, of integration into a fully initiated and incorporated Self. It is when we are bursting in our new bloom and bounty. There is a warmth and light of consciousness, and yet there may be still a slight inner conflict as a part still wants the old, the new is still raw. This is when the butterfly sines in the light, or a new flower blossoms in all her glory.

We need to embody this new place in order to integrate it into our other parts. Some Parts have died. Others are new and don’t feel integrated or seamless yet.

So, ask yourself questions: Who am I now? What came out of this change? What do I need to bring to the world? How to bring out the story into that world. This is where the warmth and glow starts to happen – the gift of my transformation.

Don’t ignore this new self who worked so hard to appear and be heard.

One activity I love to do as a way to honour this phase and completion is to make an artifact or anchor. First, do a mindfulness exercise to see where you can locate that sensation in your body now. If it had a colour what would it be, a shape, a smell or temperature? Create the item in clay, paint it, collage, or write a poem about it.

Why am i going into detail about this? For one, it’s because a big part of my work is supporting people with their transition into parenthood as well as the metamorphosis that happens as they incorporate all their Parts back together. For another reason, i see so many of us still stuck in the role of mother, and they haven’t yet crossed the threshold into a fully initiated being. So many of us get stuck in Stage 2 – the liminal space of the role of mother superseding all else. We deserve better. Patriarchy wants us to stay in this place. It needs us to still identify more as a mother or in the Mother Nurturer realm. Patriarchy is afraid of our power and wisdom, that comes with a deeper connection to feminine energy. Patriarchy needs us to be stuck in our role as mothers, and doesn’t value us as more than that.

I have been grateful to witness this Collective emergence, both from the pandemic and reclaiming sacred feminine power/energy. There has been a re-wilding of our feminine energies, our sexual root energies that connect excitement and pleasure mixed with nurturance and creativity of mother. This excites me as i know I’m not alone in this calling to be more than a mom, to be a fully initiated woman.

For too long, the Divine Feminine and Mother archetypes have been hidden by their shadow parts. They have been deemed as less than, as secondary. This has led women to internalize shame about their worthiness and sovereignty. There has been a reckoning in becoming comfortable with the unknown, be wild and be with people who are okay with this.

As Sarah of Motherspirit reminds us “until a woman descends into herself..her own worth, purpose and voice, She will be seeking these treasures outside of herself for a lifetime, and no one will be served.She will remain a child begging for permission to trust herself, to feel her feelings, to take the healthy risks to bloom.”

Recognizing those archetypes in us helps us know ourselves more fully and that can lead us to being more intimate with ourselves and authentic. Having stories like these help us see the larger story of humanity and not just our own personal experience. It allows space to play with this new capacity of being a person who creates life (or art, or gardens) as well as the one who gives it vitality and energy to thrive. This is that fine balance shedding skin that no longer fits and coming out as a more full version of you.

Highs and Lows of Healing in Real Time

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This summer, i intentionally turned inward a lot and slowed down even more. This sacred pause has given me gifts of soft fascination: I have been in awe of the vast array of city flower gardens in my neighbourhoods. I admired the abundance of honey bees in my own wee garden. I have read books that honour nature and how its resilience can teach us everything about life and living.

My body experienced the benefit of rest and pause, as the foundational need that it is.

I also thought about the inner lives we all have. We all have that inner story – that quiet voice that keeps coming back to us in whispers, a lot of the time in shadows.

One part of my inner story has brought me back to my early curiousity of the Goddess. Not just the Triple Goddess of the Maiden Mother, Wise Woman, but that lush and luminous Goddess figure herself. At my most present and regulated, this is the story i’ve been re-visiting this summer.

I wore summer dresses that helped me embody the Goddess; i ate juicy fruit; i danced in lake water. I wore my long hair down and felt the sweat of summer sun on me.

Our inner story is happening all the time. Sometimes, we are the writers of the story. Other times, we are the audience of our own narrative storyline. Oftentimes, our response to day-to-day interactions comes from our inner story; and it often has nothing to do with the actual interaction. Sometimes, what i think is the story is just the overstory, the backdrop. Sometimes, i am rudely reminded that what i think is the story or point is not, but in fact it is the epilogue that provokes an old, nuanced and hidden story in my body. One that i wanted to long forget.

For instance, this summer i experienced a few revelations that have shown me that i am both further along in my own growth and also still more wounded than I realized. It has shown me that healing is a constant process, and one that is not necessarily linear.

It’s Not about the Paint Job
After living in my own house for over a decade, it was time for us to paint the exterior. The paint was beyond chipping, it was not a colour i liked, and the damage was starting to cause trouble to the integrity of the house. Plus, after being at home almost 24/7 for 18 months this past year, i wanted to be proud of the dwelling i call Home.

I am by no means a seasoned or knowledgeable renovator or handyperson. Getting quotes, calling people to book things, and otherwise trying to speak their language is always something that causes me discomfort and ultimately dysregulation. While i am a child of a self-employed house framer by trade, my own father’s understanding of home repairs was foreign to me.

When it came time to go ahead with the project, we were very confused, surprised and disappointed with the whole experience. I am grateful that the colour is something i love, but the work of the “professional painting company” was a very far stretch from the word professional. They literally splatted paint on my neighbours own newly painted walls. Twice. They splattered paint on our front doors and windows, and on so many other things. We were in constant conflict, and by the last day, when we had to ask again for them to do a better job, and to actually do what they were contracted to, my body was screaming for me to listen to her.

I am conflict-adverse. My need for Flight is pretty prominent. As a woman, i was socialized to be a People Pleaser and to avoid conflict. I think most people are conflict avoidant, to some degree. And yet, conflict is inevitable.

At first i thought it was my fear of conflict and negative feedback that made me feel so nauseous. Maybe it was my people-pleasing part that struggled when my breath was shallow. My inner Nice Girl was wanting to throw up inside. Ultimately, i had to slow down and really take stock of what was happening. I realized it was a Wounded Exile Part that has been quiet and in the shadows for years: My Inner Teen who was hurt too many times and did not trust smarmy boys with false promises. Boys who are pushy and have egos that get in the way of their own vulnerability. This crew of young painters embodied that.

So, i chose to honour my body and listen to her. My partner stepped in to support me and used his own skills of conflict resolution and non-violent communication. I realized that while a part of me – my more present Manager part – was angry at myself for not being assertive and demanding better, my more compassionate parts just wanted to do what was best for me. Ultimately, we settled for less than perfect but i was happy to be done in the end, and able to address our needs. My voice was not as vocal as i wanted and yet my body was telling me all i had to hear.

I chose to listen to her and not override that she needed love, attention and care. My Manager was disappointed but my Inner Child felt seen.

The Waterfall Heals All
Immediately after this experience, i went away camping. Like that same day. For weeks, i was looking forward to this weekend away with friends. It was long-overdue time together. On one of our adventures, we went to a local watering hole that was known to have a waterfall. As this weekend was the final days of an epic heat wave, this spot was a perfect remedy to cool down. My Inner Goddess was also so excited as it has been my fantasy to swim under a waterfall for years.

When we got to the spot to climb down, my stomach went into flutters: It was a steep, slippery climb down. I told myself that i couldn’t do it. Who did i think i was, a sprite young thing? A reckless child?

The only thing to hold onto the rock wall was a sketchy looking rope. It took me a moment or two of quiet discernment to scan if i didn’t just WANT to do it but also that i was CAPABLE to.

This was a calculated moment of pendulating between a fear state versus an embodied sense of knowing i could do it.

I chose that i could do it.

Once i made that first step down, i knew i always knew i could do it. It was that fine balance of calculated and exquisite risk. It was also that perfect remedy, a counter to what my body felt only a few days prior.

That initial victim or exiled worried girl who showed up just days prior was met in the eyes and told she could do it. I held her with love. This climb down to the water was the perfect healing antidote to remind me that my body does know. She also felt vindicated. All my parts felt seen and i was actively in my most present self – she who is calm, curious, clear, and compassionate.

The water was a glorious gift at the end of the climb. I spotted my whole family as they came down and it made me even more excited for future waterfall adventures.

Tara Brach talks about “real but not true” as a beautiful resource to help us notice if the thoughts and feelings we are having are taking over us. Sometimes our mind and body play tricks on us as a way of protecting us. Yet we need to fact check how real is the feeling, how factual is the thought. Even by inserting the possibility that it may not be true, that lessens the fear that’s taking over our body.

When you are pondering if the fear you have in a given moment is real or true, ask yourself “who would you be if this fear or feeling was not real?” Remind yourself that this feeling may be true but is not real – it is based on old worries and is trying to protect you from getting hurt now.

Story Follows State – most of the time
Our body responses aren’t always about a trauma story. Sometimes it’s also just what is familiar in our bodies over time. Our body stores its own memories from repeated events, like riding a bike or rolling pizza dough. For instance, as someone who grew up swimming in oceans and lakes with a shoreline, it wasn’t common practice for me to canoe or kayak, let alone be in a boat. So as my family has access to a cottage with various types of boats now, I had this identity that I didn’t know how to paddle a kayak.

More recently, i have fallen in love with paddle boarding (SUP), a close cousin to my love of surfing. Now, what i do know is how to stand on a paddle board and use a paddle. Being on a SUP is one of my happy places. It provides moments of peace and embodied joy for me. I also feel fearless, strong and powerful on it.

This summer, when planning to go to a local beach near the cottage, we only could get there by kayak and canoe. I had said to myself (and outloud) that I didn’t know how to kayak let alone canoe. I had that beautiful moment where I noticed what I said and checked myself. Of course i know how to kayak – it’s not that different from paddling a SUP. It was a moment of challenging my thought about myself, and realizing that my body was more capable about doing something than i gave credit. It was my inner story who said that I couldn’t do it. What an amazing moment of reckoning and reclaiming of what I can do.

Not only did i get to that beach, i showed my daughter that it was possible to do something we have never done before. My body felt so strong after, and the beach was even more pleasurable and empowering than getting a ride there would have been.

It’s moments like this where we notice that our thoughts are always true and that the facts live with the body as it knows better.

The sweet reward is a waterfall waiting for you at the end of a rope.

Love/Her: Reclaiming Myself as a Sexual Mother

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“One of the most radical things you could ever do is to decide to really and truly get to know yourself“ Cleo Wade

I recently watched the show, Sex/Life, for work research purposes of course. Wink. To be clear, i had quite a bit of thoughts about this show, and it left me feeling disappointed. Not in the heavy sex scenes (they were fun), but rather how yet again another show could have done so much better in their narrative on sexual mothers. All general critique of the show aside, i did feel compelled to share some thoughts on the depiction of women who are mothers on their journey to reclaiming their sexual self.

Let me back up and bit and share a summary, in case you don’t know the premise of the show. I don’t think this will create any spoilers as the show is more about the steamy eye candy than deep content. Billie is a mother of two young children and in a seemingly happy marriage to her type A successful husband. She left her career while still doing her PhD in Psychology, in order to be home with the kids. Before meeting her husband, she had a wild and invigorating relationship with a man. He came from an insecure attachment due to his absentee father (of course) and they had wild sex. Even though she was literally studying sexuality at school, she always presented as surprised and hesitant to do things. She was more ‘vanilla’ to his adventurous offerings in bed.

Fast forward 8 years and she is settling into her new life. She starts to have doubts and regret about the path her life has taken her on. She loves her family and yet she misses the good sex since she settled down and became a bored housewife. Her career-focused husband presents as involved and yet he seems sexually disinterested. Until one day when her sexual fantasies, both real and imagined, came flooding back. The extent of the show is all about Billie re-imagining her old relationship with her former lover and wondering if she can have it all. She is faced with this dilemma: try to accept life with her husband and children, or leave her family to pursue unfinished business and sexual escapades with the lover who left her when it got too hard for him.

Over and over again, Billie is left in this quandary of wanting more sexual pleasure and feeling guilty for it. She sees herself as a “postpartum exhausted mother of 2 version of a midlife crisis.”

This latest series again reminds us that culture shows that women’s primary role is to be caregivers and helpers, not care receivers or pleasure recipients. If we are, it is only in our rebellious and care-free youth. We are called selfish and judged harshly for it.

We need to unlink sex, love and gender to only be valid during the Maiden phase of our life. In fact, i think i am a more sexually confident woman now because i am older and have a sense of the magic my body can do.

Enter the “Initiated Woman”

I kind of like that the show included liberated and confident women, mainly seen in Billie’s best friend, who also happens to be a professor of psychology. Her character even launches a new book called The Third Way, which i can’t help but assume the creator of the show slipped in there for us viewers to ponder. That ‘third way’ is to not choose to be single and work-focused, or married with children and bored, but rather having it all and being satisfied.

Women typically are taught that our sexual desires and fantasies are not a priority, both by our partners and society at large. So we engage in code switching to make us more marriage-worthy. This allows us to be less than in order to fit in and get something out of this so-called life. We are taught that the Maiden archetype is more prestigious than the Whore and when we become Mothers, that former part of our life should become non-existent.

Fuck that.

Having children does not mean the end of our sexual identity. In fact, for a lot of us, sex is what is intrinsically tied to having babies in the first place. While not all babies are conceived this way, there is still that connection that sex leads to becoming a mother and yet we are shamed to believe that motherhood should not also be sexy. The early postpartum stage of life, though, is a season of sacrifice. It is a time to pause and learn more about our new identity as parents, as mothers. Our bodies are healing from birth, and our time is now spent learning how to keep this new child alive. Our bodies are not so apart from our babies and it’s hard to think of much else.

Plus new mothers are exhausted, overwhelmed and our hormones are literally trying to do us a favour by not getting pregnant again. I remember being so touched out by my babies when they were tiny. All i wanted was a bath to reclaim my body for myself, not to want to cuddle with my partner and give more of me out. And yet, i learned that this was the transition process to start to integrate this new identity into my full life. This is what Matresence is at its core – the metamorphosis process of becoming something new.

Can you have it all?

In Sex/Life, Billie asks herself “is it possible that the person who gives you love and safety can also give you a rush and excitement?” My answer is YES it’s possible, but not magically and without the effort of work. I know it is because that’s what I’ve established over years of partnership myself. It took vulnerability too – to first acknowledge to myself what i wanted and then to speak about this needs out loud.

Betty Friedan is known to say that we can have it all but not at the same time. So when we practice acceptance of this truth, it brings freedom from pressure. We live so many different lives in one lifetime. A lot of things give us butterflies – what that is changes over time. I am not the same vania i was at 20, or 30. I’m not supposed to be. So of course, what i find important and how I practice pleasure changes.

I have seen this past year that i have died several little deaths of myself over the years. This past year it was just more noticed, evident and celebrated even. I am stepping into my own one true Self. I’m excited about this stage in my journey. I am starting to hear that voice of Self. My goal has become to return to that one true Self. She has always been there, hiding in the shadows under duty, performance and people pleasing.

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, the present and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” Anais Nin

So what do we do about it?

One thing to start doing, if squashing the patriarchy feels a bit too big and overwhelming, is to Fantasize. Literally take time to remember your core sexual fantasies. I have shared some ways to do this in past articles HERE and HERE. Now it’s about sharing them with your partner or lovers. Speak your truth. Share your needs. Open up to the vulnerability about having fantasies.

I read recently about a key way to heal your inner people pleaser is learning to be loving instead of nice. I adore this reclamation. It so aligns with what is important to me. I don’t think our partners realize how overwhelmed, burned out, and touched out we are. We are screaming it from the tops of mountains, and it falls on deaf ears. Why? Because this system is working for those in power as is, they don’t want to hear that change is necessary. That’s why therapy has been so taboo, and that couple counselling specifically is scary for so many couples – the truth is hard to ignore once it becomes heard. So don’t be nice – be clear with your needs and love yourself. Love your partner when you have capacity and want to, versus playing that good wife role.

Another way to honour this part of you is to find ways to be feminine and have pleasure. You don’t have to identify as a woman to be feminine, but rather play with what this energy feels like. It also is not as binary as we have been taught. It’s time to femininize sex. We need to move from the old paradigm of heternormative sex as penis in vagina penetration and male orgasm as the end result. We need to slow down and have warm juicy sex. Let me again give credit to Billie for sharing that nugget of info – “coital alignment technique.” It sounds so technical, and yet it’s so helpful to get partners in sync versus racing to get to the end.

Do a Desire Discrepancy check-in – marriages fall into a rut over time and especially when we are in the throws of a new identity. This global pandemic has definitely derailed desire and intimacy. Maybe your relationship with your partner was already stale. Maybe you felt pressure (internal or by others) to redefine your relationship now that you are parents. Your identity as polyamorous, for instance might need an updated review.

These archetypes of Woman – Maiden, Virgin, Mother, Whore, Crone – are just that: stories and myths that we continue to aspire to. We do not need to have children to be born from us and raise to be in the Mother phase of our life. This time period is when we are nourishing ourselves and our community, when we are in our full self, and when we have come into our bodies. For some women, this stage is mired in trauma, shame and sadness as their journey to become mothers with children of their own was not conceived. Does this make them not members of this age-old archetype?

This time period is when we are meant to be in our ‘full bloom’ of life, when we claim our inner power and maturity. This is when we start to have things fall into place. And yet it is a messy transition, and one that is typically done alone in the shadows. This is a discredit to this seemingly powerful and wonderful reclamation.

The Woman in the Shadowy Mirror

So, we need to see our Self as human: A woman with hope, dreams and desires too. Here are some ways to do this:

Learn more about how your physical body is adjusting now that you in this Mother Stage If you have had a baby, this is especially important. It’s no surprise that new moms struggle with body image issues, when our world still values skinny white women in their Maiden stage of life. So where do the rest of us fit in? Also, take some time to understand hormones and that “new mom brain.” It is minimized and yet i think it’s something to be proud of as that brain is prioritizing things to keep the baby alive. Similarly, this early postpartum time is a chance to focus on Matresence and adjusting to the early stage of parenthood. We may already know how to be a couple but we do not know yet how do be a couple with children in tow.

Intimacy does not have to be just intercourse – it can be cuddles, slow dinners, hand holding, and that 12 second hug. It can be showers that start the day with sexy texts and love notes. Dr. Tracy Dalgleish shares some helpful tips as well – when we are feeling more like roommates who are co-parents, it’s hard to get back to feeling like lovers. It can be wearing something that helps you feel like a goddess, even if you are the only one who knows. As we know that women-identified folx with vaginas and estrogen take 30-40 minutes to be aroused, that means we sometimes have to start the process during the day. It’s not just 40 minutes of foreplay at once. Because who are we kidding, we don’t have time to wait that long these days! Our bodies are designed to prepare us. Thank the Goddess for that. This is why these smaller acts are not just teasing, but rather tantalizing and getting us turned on for later.

If you are breastfeeding/chest feeding, that can feel very non-sexy. So do simple things like change the room and scenery you are intimate in. Throw some pillows off the bed or light a candle and play a sexy song mix. Get rid of baby things for the time being – set your scene up for success. I know it feels counter-spontaneous but it helps to schedule time to do it so it’s not when your breasts are full or you just fed the baby. This helps your brain hold space for the adult part of you that wants connection.

Speaking of your body, both your healing process due to birth or previous trauma and pain can be a barrier to sex now. Your body has changed (both due to having a baby and this last year of living in a pandemic!). So make sure you take time to get support and heal it. This will have a great healing effect on your body image and self-worth. Happy as a Mother featured a great podcast recently where a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist came on to discuss this at length. Check it out here to learn more!

I know that some of what happens is in our head so we also need to address our expectations, narrative timelines, and assumptions. Maybe you have a stuck memory of walking in on your own parents when you were a kid. That image has impacted your own interpretation as a sexual parent. Or maybe it’s hard to switch gears so easily over the course of one day. It’s okay if the first few times ‘fail’ or are messy. It helps to have a self-compassionate reframe instead of being hard on yourself – maybe shift that judgemental voice of “what’s wrong with me, i used to enjoy sex” to “i know this is a journey and i will get there again.” Honour the human in you and your partner. Sex is already a vulnerable and intimate act so it helps to acknowledge the elephant in the room even when it’s in our mind.

Also, even deeper than this is if postpartum mood challenges and disorders (PMAD) are getting in the way of your desire for sexual intimacy. So, it’s helpful to learn about the signs of PMAD as there are links to low arousal and postpartum depression.

This past year has been so hard for couples and relationships in general. We may have had sufficient quantity time due to sheltering at home, but that did not necessarily increase quality time. As social creatures, we need more connection than mere physical proximity. Having a healthy relationship takes work. Luckily, there are so many resources to help you along the way. David Richo’s book How to be an Adult in Relationships shares these Five Keys to Mindful Loving – attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing. They are very aligned with the Gottmans’ concepts of Connection Bids and the Emotional Bank Deposits as well as the theory of Love Languages. Esther Perel, a renowned couple’s therapist speaks a lot about re-connection. She shares that “the quality of our life depends on the quality of our relationships” – this is social engagement theory in action. She offers fantastic workshops for couples all the time, like this recent on on rekindling desire -there is even a part on sex after having kids!

The Gottman Institute has done research on sex and intimacy after having a baby. This work is so important as it is validating and empowering to know how many relationships struggle. We assume it’s just us and this is so far from true. In heteronormative relationships though, the male partner needs further reminder that his partner has spent days and months at home with the baby so is feeling a different reality with their body, body image, drain and burn-out, and desire needs. So, he needs to lower his expectations to make them realistic – no one can switch gears this quickly; he needs to expect less and not rush partner to “bounce back,” Catastrophize when sex isn’t happening – this is a chapter of life, not the end; it helps for the non-newborn caring parent to meet the needs of the new mom so she can meet needs of baby – she is running on fumes of exhaustion. And it’s okay to relearn how to meet you own needs with self-pleasure and masturbation.

Build a new foundation as a couple who are now parents. Make time as a couple to date again. Have this in place so when your children grow, they see this time as normal – we want to share love with our partner as it sets a good example for them later in life. I love that my children see me love their dad. They even count how long our kisses are sometimes (yes they meet the 6 second requirement!)

Sex postpartum happens during a shift in hormones. It can take time to come back into balance due to feeling touched out OR a relationship concern that is bigger than new parenthood. Sometimes, one partner needs more and then will need less; dynamics change over time. Ironically, when you just spend the day being a mom with a baby, your partner was still playing the role of adult or partner even when apart. Our roles are not permanent, as they depend on what the work is. It is our values and purpose that is the constant. So remember what kind of woman/person/human/partner you want to be. What is exciting for you? What feels aligned with these old dreams that got you to this point?

Come back to your why to find your way.

At the end of season 1 of Sex/Life, Billie is left wanting more and asking herself if the person who gives you lust, thrill and excitement can also be the one that also gives you security. She worries what it may cost her – I think that we can definitely have both.

What if you could do it, all of it? Don’t underestimate or short-change yourself. This is a quiet awakening happening in the collective. You, like me, have more to offer than you think – the world is waiting for you to see that potential and for you to own it.

Come claim your seat in the re-wilding, this awakening. This is the re-awakening of embodied feminine pleasure and energy.

So yes we can have that cake and eat it too. We just have to make it first.