Tag Archives: birth story healing

My Butterfly Effect: Transforming Birth Trauma into How I Work

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My butterfly effect is turning into a birth story healer after my own traumatic birth.

I used to get this question all the time: “Why do you want to have such a niche? Isn’t it enough if the person who gave birth and the baby are okay?” It angers me to no end when folks say unintentionally hurtful things like “at least you are okay” when folks share that they had a traumatic birth. This minimizes the key role the transition into parenthood has on becoming parents. It’s one thing to be okay after such a transformative and life-changing event. I strive to be better than okay.

The week that falls around July 15 is dedicated to raising awareness about birth trauma and its effects on families. As a therapist who supports people with this type of trauma, initiatives that honour birth trauma are important to me. As a mother who had a traumatic first birth, this week is even more important – I feel validated and seen.
I am honoured to support new parents to heal from this form of trauma. And yes, not all people who give birth identify as mothers, and the non-birthing parent can experience trauma from the birth too. As a trauma therapist, trained in various ways to process trauma, i knew that this would be a way to offer support and be in the best service.

Let me backup a bit and share what trauma is, so that we are on the same page, literally and figuratively. Here is a shorter and more concise, if not a bit simple summative definition: Trauma is something that happens too fast, too much or is too big so it impacts a person‘s experience. It causes overwhelm and can have a lasting toll. It can also be something that takes too long, is experienced alone, and there is not enough information or support. It also shows up as not enough care, not enough time, or not enough support. It’s both extremes because it’s also about being left alone in our experience.

It is not just what happens but also the absence of what should have happened if trauma didn’t get in the way. This is why all trauma has a felt sense of grief. Further, someone can continue to have unresolved trauma because they didn’t have someone witness them in their experience, either immediately or soon after. In short, trauma happens when something is too overwhelming for someone, and they feel alone in the experience.
This is also why a birth that does not go according to plan, and in fact can be quite dysregulating, can also be seen as a trauma. It is the experience of something that’s overwhelming, as well as the absence of what you wanted to happen. It has emotional and psychological impacts because of the distressing childbirth experience. The emotional toll of birth trauma is vast, and can lead to a diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Birth Trauma is different from perinatal mood challenges, and yet the symptoms are similar. So, it needs to be given the same attention and care. Like all traumas, it is up to the person who experienced it, not professionals or anyone else – it is truly in the eye of the beholder (Thanks to Cheryl Beck for this reference.)

One in 3 birthers experience birth trauma and that number is even higher for racialized mothers, people with disabilities, queer and gender diverse parents. This number has also increased to closer to 45% of all births during the pandemic.

To paint this picture, i’m going to share some hard facts about the impact of birth trauma. You may want to be mindful of your needs as you read this.

It’s helpful to know there are more than 1 kind of traumatic birth, in fact there are several distinct types of Birth Trauma: 1) Objective Experiences like the death of the newborn or the birther or serious injury to birther or newborn; 2) Subjective Experiences like a fear of own life or of newborns; 3) Systemic Failure and Obstetric Violence that makes the birther feel not heard or supported; and 4) Previous trauma that causes re-traumatization. If you want to get a better since of how this impacts people, this article shares one person’s experience after her birth trauma.

This Birth Trauma Tree visual is a powerful depiction of what birth trauma looks like, and how it can impact new parents. Like any experience of trauma, it is up to the person who experienced it to name it as such. Well-intentioned but still hurtful comments may come from family and friends. It’s important to remember that our society has minimized rituals and rites of passage in general, and even more so for rites that are related to “mothering” and women’s labour – literally. It’s no wonder that the focus becomes just about the physical act and not the spiritual metamorphosis as well.

Long-Lasting Complexities of Birth Trauma Show Up:
When others minimize your birth story because ‘everyone is okay’
When your child triggers you now
When it’s not the day you wanted and were told to have
When you blame yourself for the way the birth happened
When your sexual intimacy and body image is impacted
When the birthday of your baby is hard to celebrate
When your plan for having more kids is impacted
When you don’t know that there is support to process it
When you feel like your birth story is not as significant as others who had it worse
Becoming a parent is a major Rite of Passage in someone’s life. It is a type of initiatory experience. When birth trauma impacts it, the transition is harder and Integration into this new stage of life as a parent can be made more challenging. All rites of passage take time, and are in stages – Separation (i.e. no longer a Maiden); Transition and then Integration of this new role into your full. If you want to listen to a fabulous podcast episode about this, Jessie Harrold interviews Lucy Jones and they talk all about it HERE.

If pregnancy is the cocoon stage of a person’s journey into becoming a parent, birth is seen as the Transition Stage of becoming a parent.The transition to parenthood, and especially motherhood, should be a celebratory and supported time for new parents. This messy transition is not different from any type of sacrifice that is connected to a heroine’s journey. This one is that of becoming something that we have never been before – a mother, a parent. We are entirely new: This is what Matrescence is, the complete physical and spiritual process of becoming someone new, and in this case, a newborn parent (however you birth this child into being). So when the path is altered due to birth trauma, we experience a possible ‘psychotic state’ because we had to do it alone and not be witnessed in it. That is why new parent groups and circles are important and processing birth trauma is key.

Healing can Happen
As i mentioned above, i know that healing can happen because the traumatic birth i experienced with my first-born child was my butterfly effect: it created a ripple effect that changed the trajectory of my life, especially my career. As my initiation into motherhood was rocky, i learned more about birth including it as a rite of passage, the identity crisis, the mood changes, and also that birth can be traumatic. I then made the leap to change the course of my work and specialize in supporting others who had traumatic births.

It was my sliding doors moment, a way to reclaim this transition stage and ultimately experience Post-Traumatic Growth. Trauma healing moves through a spiral-like process, in stages that are paced and intentional. If you are someone who experienced a traumatic birth, it is never too late to receive support and healing. There is a healing quality to being witnessed and having an alternate ending, no matter how long ago you experienced the wound. Here are just some of the resources that i have found helpful:

1) Birth Story Processing is one of several therapeutic resources that can help you heal from a traumatic birth. Since as a supportive, narrative re-telling of the story, it can be quite cathartic. I have been trained in Birth Story Medicine with Pam England and have found this process a foundational part of my own healing and how i hold space for others.

2) Kimberly Ann Johnson has a lovely free meditation you can access. It supports your healing and offers healing through self-compassion.

3) Grief Work – need to grieve the birth we wanted so that we can move on. As Francis Weller shares in his powerful book, The Wild Edge of Sorrow, this can be a Gate into grief. It also is a testament of the Hero’s (or Heroine’s) journey. Grief needs to be witnessed and processed, just like birth stories.

4) As trauma is stored in the body, we need to heal the body first. It’s not enough to revisit the story of the birth. We need to reprocess the impact of it on our body. That’s why therapy modalities have incorporated somatic work as a main tenet of care. I have a process to help people unpack and transform their birth story. You can read more about it here. Other helpful resources are EMDR and Somatic Experiencing.

5) One of the Pillars of Post-traumatic Growth is Advocacy. While not a requirement to heal, when we turn what happened to us as a butterfly effect, or sliding doors moment, it is an opportunity for growth and contributing to our community. It helps us shift from our personal experience to a more global common humanity. If you want to read more about how birth trauma can lead to post-traumatic growth, this article (a PDF) does a great job outlining it. Teela has a very informative Instagram account called The Tea on Birth Trauma Here are just some organizations that do this work: Birthtalk and Birth Better.

Of course we want to not need the awareness campaigns and don’t want anyone to experience birth trauma in the first place. For now, we write articles like this and share resources to help you know that healing is possible. You are not alone. We deserve better.

We are not Maidens any longer.

My Embowered Birth: A Polyvagal-Informed Birth Story

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After giving birth to my first child, i knew when it came time to birth my second, i wanted it to look different. It took a lot of inner work first, as well as learning, unlearning, reflecting, and healing.

I did most of that on my own. When i had my first almost 12 years ago, i knew nothing of birth story healing work, let alone that a niche like perinatal mental health existed. When i had my son, an emergency c-section, i carried a lot of guilt and internalized stories that my body could not deliver a baby vaginally. I was told my body was too small and that it was failing to progress. I was told others weren’t surprised i had a c-section because I am small. What the actual fuck does that mean? I have come to hate these words and also learned to externalize that story. I have also given some of my son the responsibility – thanks for turning a bit too much, little one, i know you were trying to help. Your wee head just was too much for my swollen cervix after 30 hours of labour.

Move forward two years, and I’m pregnant again. I have already shared about the Birth Blessing Party. What i have not shared here is the actual home birth (after c-section, called HBAC for short). Now, after years of providing birth story healing work, and being so honoured to hear other’s stories, i have a deeper understanding and embodied trust in what i know to be a healing process to reclaim our birth stories.

What follows is the account of the birth of my youngest, layered with aspects of Polyvagal Theory, Somatic Therapies and more. I’m kind of excited that I made a connection to the gift of Polyvagal Theory to how birth happens. If you want to learn more about how i support other people to heal their birth stories, CHECK OUT THIS ARTICLE i wrote that unpacks it more. So, get ready for a self-professed Brain Geek Part of me coming out now and a brain-geek inspired birth story!…

In case you haven’t heard of it, there has been a lot of (rightful) information about Polyvagal Theory. It is this wonderful nerve that acts as a pathway from our brain stem to our perineum. It provides all sorts of support to our body and how we react to the world. Since it so solidly lives in the pelvis as well as the brain, i love that I have seen how the theory can show up in action during childbirth. There are 3 stages of labour, just as there are 3 parts of Polyvagal Theory. I will go over them as i break down the story, but for now, as a summary: The Sympathetic Nervous System (the good ole Reptilian Brain) and the 2 parts of the Parasympathetic Nervous System (Ventral Vagus Nerve and Dorsal Vagus Nerve) make up Polyvagal Theory. Looking back at the birth of my child, i noticed that it helps me get a sense of why the supports and resources worked at the time, and what is also needed to help birthers in these various stages of labour.

As the theory is also linked to the Window of Tolerance (or ‘capacity’ as i like how it has been reframed), i would be remiss not to also include this great resource. Thanks to Dan Siegel and Pat Ogden, we now know that each of us has a threshold with what we can can take. On a given day, we may have a larger threshold (aka big bay window), and are more trying days, our window is as small as a peephole in an apartment building door. Knowing how the body responds to stress and danger helps us tend to where we are in the Window.

Please note, this is my own personal journey of birth; i know that not everyone can reclaim the power as i did. As a white cis-gendered femme woman, i have privilege that gives me access to these choices. I know not everyone has this same access and privilege, and am part of the movement to change that.

First things first, let’s start just before i went into labour. I had implemented a daily practice once i reached 36 weeks pregnant. It included a gentle yoga practice, hypnobirthing meditations, perineal massages with evening primrose oil, and eating all the good food. All of of this was to help me stay in my calm and rested zone, or Ventral Vagal Tone (soft and relaxed). Then, as i became 7 days “late”, i had to pivot as i had just been told that I would need to have a “well baby” ultrasound. I knew that would start the chain of events that would lead me away from my plan. So, that day, foreshadowing the birth, I did everything right to facilitate my child to be born without needing to go to that appointment. Spoiler alert: she was born 2 minutes before the appointment was supposed to happen.

That day, wanting to reclaim my power and agency, I made intentional choices. I had acupuncture and massage appointments, i had a solo date with a spicy dosa for lunch, i attended a La Leche League meeting with friends, and had a nap. I ate pineapple, cuddled with my boys, and had a family bath. You could say oxytocin was flowing.

It was when i stood up during this bath that I knew that the time had come.
It’s Time! Baby is on Route
The sympathetic nervous system (SNS for short) is an essential part of our daily survival. It is where our reptilian brain helps us stay safe. Our Fight or Flight response lives here, protecting us from harm by either fleeing or fighting that which wants to cause us harm. This is the state of Hyperarousal in the Window of Tolerance (or Capacity) resource. When still within a regulated place, we can get a lot done as it motivates us into action. It is when we start to feel the flooding of emotions like overwhelm, anxiety or hypervigilance that things get dysregulated. If we can’t access the mode of activation that pushes us into action, the opposite realm of freeze (shutdown) or fawn (fix) happens. So, staying in the zone of movement helps us move the labour along. Hence the word ‘labour’ as the process is work.

The initial surge of contractions that initiate the start of labour are very similar to the autopilot response of flight or fight response. This early stage of labour is what helps the birther know that labour is starting; it’s like the brain kicks in and says ‘it’s time.’

It is here that we learn what we need to manage the new sensations in our body, where we make meaning of the surges. It is at this stage where we take stock of the process and see what is needed to keep safe and in control of the pain. It is also at this stage that we learn to discern fear of harm versus the worry of birth. It is no wonder we carry words like fear and pain with birth – pop culture stories on birth do not do this stage justice.

So, i worked on my breath, i paced, i swayed, i chatted. I moaned. I connected to my vagus nerve without even knowing. Moaning and swaying are beautiful remedies to get our body into the rest and calm it needs. They are directed rooted in the vagus nerve – no pun intended!

I also laughed and chatted with my partner, doula and midwife team. This sense of connection helped me stay grounded and centred, also a deep component of the vagus nerve.

Rest Time: Parasympathetic Dorsal Vagus Nerve
The dorsal vagus nerve lives in our back and lower body, hence ‘dorsal.’ This is the energy that is pulling us down, or into ‘down-regulation’ to help us get to a sense of rest. In the Window of Tolerance resource, this is the Hypoaroused state and can be quite supportive to get to a state of rest. It is where we have a nap, curl up in fetal pose, have luxurious baths, watch an old favourite show to pass the time. When still within the range of regulation, it serves us. It’s important to be attuned to this so that we have tools to stay within our range of capacity.

Sometimes, as in other times in our life, this part can overdo its job. It becomes overwhelmed and maybe a bit scared. In somatic therapy work, this feeling may show up as collapse, freeze, or shutdown when something hard on us needs to be tended to. It can manifest as feeling drained, scared, lonely or depressed. In labour, this is the time that our body starts to ask us to slow down but we are scared to ask for what it needs, helpers are telling us that we are not progressing fast enough, or our body does not feel heard that rest is vital here. Or, if this is the first birth for someone, they may be feeling like a fraud or unsure about what they are supposed to be feeling and are worried about disappointing their team. This is the pull of appeasement/fawning/fixing. I remember wanting to make sure the midwives were okay when i was having this hour-long shower!

While this story is about my second-born, during the birth of my son, before things changed and i was rushed to the hospital, this was the time that i listened to my favourite meditative playlist, watched Goonies, and went inward. When i was in labour with my daughter, this was the time that i had a long shower. It was so long that i drained most of the hot water. From 2-3AM, i was in the shower with the student midwife keeping me company, while my partner, doula, and primary midwife were making the birth pool. As the kitchen was the easiest place to do so, we found a way to fit it in. I will always associate water with soothing my tired, achy, and worried body. It was literally the balm I needed to soothe me.

In order to follow the flow of the birth, this next step officially happened here but it is actually a sympathetic nervous system moment: During birth, in the transition stage of getting past that beloved number of 7cm dilated, we are in this spot. We are starting to feel the shift inward. I will never forget that moment i thought my c-section scar split open, only to be validated that it was just my waters breaking and my baby reaching the right spot to descend. My fear was my inner Firefighter kicking in as it kept my worry brain active. And yet, it was overdoing its job – i was in fact in clear waters. Literally.

The Sweet Spot: The Ventral Vagus Nerve In Action
The Ventral Vagus Nerves lives in the front of our body. It is what helps us orient to our surroundings, access connection via our Social Engagement System. It acts as our Mirror of Safety and stems from the maternal co-regulation need. This nerve helps us pivot or neck to orient or centre ourselves. It is both Estrogen related and Oxytocin bonding. Just think of the importance of skin-to-skin care immediately after birht – that is for oxytocin to do its magic as it is flowing right there. Our vagus nerve is closest to the outside of our body at our chest – so this is why humming, buzzing like a bee, gargling, or stroking your chest in a gently rhythm are so helpful.

The birth pool plays a huge role in my birth story. Water is my Happy Place and creates the Glow my body needs to rest and feel safe. Being in it makes me recall my hypnobirthing and Birthing From Within mediations more easily. I also feel like a goddess in the water.

See that image? That’s my favourite place on Earth. It’s what i visualized during this birth and have come to use as my Happy Place Visual ever since. It was in the pool, when i looked at my doula Kim and saw the Full Moon outside the window. This moment defines everything for me.

There is this change that happens when we get to 10cm, also known as the sweet spot. While i can’t put it into words exactly, recalling this 9 years after the birth, i do remember the moment. I had just had that epic “oh my goodness, i just got there” moment, and locked eyes with my doula Kim. I saw the Full Moon outside the window, i heard the midwife team and my partner. This is what Stephen Porges calls Neuroception: when i relate to you and it is reciprocated. I know my sweet son was sleeping in bed right above us. I remember consciously connecting to him, even though he was not physically present in the room. I felt so entirely connected, seen, respected and attuned to my body.

Some things i learned that helped me stay present were:
– Somatic resources like a long bath, a lower back massage, or walking to get even just 5% more comfort in my body
– Have someone that is committed solely or intentionally to supporting you as the birther
– Pay attention to your edges where sits bone meets chair; do a mindful body scan
– Vagus Stroke exercise
– 5 senses of what to see, listen to, smell, feel, savour in my mouth
– Go deeper into my body – learn some meditation ahead of time, or ask your birth partner to help – things that help you notice interoception into fascia, bone, or muscle
– Notice songs or stories that resonate with you, ways to help you stay in the zone. It could be an embodied playlist or the story of Inanna.

It was then that i knew i could do this. It was at this moment that i entered my Self, no other parts were needed, and no other Part could step in as none had been here before. Having not reached this final stage of labour, i was so mindful and present with my body. I was not afraid anymore, and my lovely Manager part was able to step back and watch me in action.

It was recommended by the midwife that i get out of the pool to do a dilation check-in: i was at 10 cm, and that sensation i felt was my body’s way of letting me know that i was now ready to push. As i had not reached this stage last time, everything was new for me. I sat on a birth stool for a while and pushed. I transferred to the floor and pushed. I squeezed my partner’s hand and pushed. My son woke up sometime here and he saw his little sister’s crown. It was then that we knew that she was coming soon. So we called for back-up and my son’s best friend’s dad came and read to my son in the living room while we pushed. Incidentally, the story series about Franklin the turtle and hand-knit socks will forever be immortalized for me as a connection to the home birth. Listening to our friend gently read to our first-born was a balm for my body as it started to regulate and know it was safe.

I was in a zone while pushing, and to be honest, i don’t remember much of this part. I do recall that the Ring of Fire was the most searing pain i have ever felt. I have a vague memory that more came out of me than humanly possible. The animal in me overrode the Polite Lady Part who would have been mortified. And when sweet Miss M was birth earthside, she was not crying, and had a fist in the air. She was like, Hell Yes we did it. Yes we did.

Now each year, on her birthday, we do a dance on the spot where she was born.

So, why do we need to know about Polyvagal Theory or even the Window of Tolerance in reference to birth? When we know more about how our body and nervous system step in to help us under duress, a new experience or under threat and pain, this knowledge enables us to know what to do for our Self. Not all birthers can experience all three levels of Polyvagal – most may stay in SNS, and get some glimmers of the Vagal Parts. If you want to have an empowered, embodied and even orgasmic birth, this is where knowing how the theory relates to you makes the difference.

In an overwhelmed state, we freeze or collapse. Our bodies are built to follow this evolutionary path – if we can’t flee, we fight. When we discern that we can’t fight off the attack, we feign death or freeze. Some of us have access to the Fix/Fawn response first. Typically, when overwhelmed, we may shutdown and dissociate. We may lose track of time or focus. Anyone who utilizes the Fawn Response may use people-pleasing, minimizing their own needs, or make jokes to lessen what they are feeling and are afraid to ask form.


For instance, do you know if you respond to surprise/pain/fear in a Flight, Fight, Fix(fawn) or Freeze way? We don’t have to endure trauma in our life to have an instinctual response. Our nervous system kicks in to help us grapple with something tat is too much to bear or is overwhelming.

Fight – scream or roar like a jaguar, clench and claw your fingers or shake them, stomp; use ice cubes to cool you down
Flight – go for walks in first stage of labour, look for exits when in stage 3, move your neck, or rock your body; find your happy place
Fix/Fawn – talk to people in the room, use your voice and negotiate what you need; work on saying NO and know what your rights are, set boundaries, and tend to what you need, not hosting or tending to the others in the room.
Freeze – use warm water like a shower or birth pool; sway your body; find ways to stay warm on your periphery – your hands or your feet need to stay warm or grounded.

As our birth story is connected to the people who birthed before us, in our own lineage, we also carry those deep seeded experiences of pain, trauma, fear, and empowerment, awe, and wisdom. After having 2 very different births, i know that it is indeed possible to have an Empowered embodied mindful birth. And yet, that is not always available – As a white bodied cis-gendered woman, i also recognize how deeply seeded this assumption is that i have this right and access. Not everyone does. Structural racism and other forms of oppression keep this inherent birthright from all birthers. I also entirely believe that all births are natural, and the story matters. We matter. Birth Matters.