I’m a Feelings Wheel in Motion

Posted on November 8, 2022 by Vania

I’ve been sitting with my feelings a lot these last few months. It’s been both a helpful exercise to catch me in my feeling as well as practice what i preach as a therapist.

It’s not lost on me that as a therapist, i have a bias and privilege to already know a thing or two about how to care for feelings.

One thing i’ve noticed is that feelings are fleeting, unless we make contact with them. I read somewhere that a feeling only lasts in our consciousness for about 90 seconds unless we make them linger more consciously.

Talk about a fleeting moment.

This is similar to our thoughts where we assume they are fact but most likely are not. We give them power and weight, and by doing so, we start to believe they are 100% true.

If you don’t believe me, don’t take my word for it. There is a large body of work diving into the depths of the brain, so neuroscience tells us so: Neuroplasticity is the ability of the brain to change through growth and change. It can be rewired to function in some way that is different from how it previously functioned.

We give what we think so much time and energy, or at least the hard feelings and negative beliefs. And yet, that doesn’t serve us. Rather, it keeps us stuck in our negativity bias, or an old limiting belief.

Don’t get me wrong, i don’t necessarily want to shift from a negativity bias to toxic positivity, but i do want to find a balance of my emotions. This is what Emotion Regulation is, the ability to handle any feeling no matter how messy or hard they are, and not bypass or run from them.

I have been tracking when a feeling shows up, and what it may need. Sometimes, i am faced with two feelings that feel polarized around a decision to make. If one feeling is afraid of a new outcome and the one is excited, i ask myself what option allows me to savour the feeling i want to linger in. I don’t disregard the fear, but rather let it know its valid and then choose to go with the option that allows the excitement to be more present.

We can feel our feelings without them consuming us or self-sabotaging the pleasure and outcome we are truly wanting. This is a way to let us acknowledge the feeling and let it know it’s noticed without letting it take over. When i spend time with this, i am giving compassion to a feeling or belief that i had in older versions of me, the older parts that are stuck in a time loop that no longer serves. It doesn’t realize i am better than before, and have new resources. This interoception is the work of Parts Work practice.

“We must learn to bear the pleasures as we have borne the pains.” ~ Nikki Giovanni

Alchemy is the science experiment of creating anew from something else, with a hint of magic. It is kind of like helping us move through a hard feeling to get to the other side of it. It is a practice, a belief, and an art. Here are three ingredients it requires: Acceptance, Ritual, Time. I like to think of finding a new place with a feeling to be like the steps of creating gold from goo.

If you are stuck on how to do this, here are some simple steps to process challenging emotions instead of bypassing them or numbing out from feeling too much. When we don’t let ourselves feel the big and messy feelings, we also then turn off feeling the big good feelings.

1) Acceptance: Accept the feeling you are having and what it is trying to tell you. Acknowledging it helps it be cared for instead of bypassing it. Ask yourself “What am i feeling right now? Have i felt this way before, what did i do to help me then, how does my body feel now with this feeling…investigate if the feeling is new or has visited you before.
2) Ritual: What are things you can do to care for it – what do you need to Resource yourself? Don’t just do this as a reaction, do it repeatedly and often. What tools helped you before, what might help you right now? Trial and error is a process of alchemy. When we resources ourself in this way we validate the feeling: It’s ok to feel this way right now. Don’t run from it – nourish it.
3) Time: Be patient rather than resilient; don’t bypass the feeling or it will flood you later; take time to heal- slow down and rest; Titration is key just like when making gold in alchemy. We need to have time to shift from it.

I like to think of this process like an emotional vampire who has not been allowed in. Vampires cannot enter a home unless invited in to cross the threshold. So, unless i say, “sure Sadness, come on in,” it may just give me a gentle wave and go on her not-so-merry way.

I appreciate that not all feelings are primary, but rather a reaction to my original emotion. A secondary feeling is how i feel about the primary feeling. For instance, have you ever felt happy after being surprised with a special gift? That feels easy – what about becoming angry that i was scared. It is a judgment about ourselves because of old procedural learnings we have not just about the feeling itself but also what to do for it. If we weren’t held, seen or cared for as children when in this feeling state, it is hard for us to know what to do for them now as adults. So we alchemize that fear response to being angry at ourselves for being scared.

Have you heard of a Feelings Wheel? It’s a gorgeous visual depiction of the multitude of feelings we may have over our lifetime, day, year. I especially love Lindsay Braman’s model. She took it a step further and included somatic sensations that typically go with feelings. A movie that i adore about feelings is the animated story of Inside Out – Joy and Sadness are the stars and their journey to co-exist is a stunning portrayal of mixed feelings and our full range of emotions.

We live in a world that prioritizes how we think over what we feel. Our capitalist masculine-oriented system dictates that we are successful when we think well and feel less. Emotions are a sign of feminine energy and seen as weak. This lack of permission to be okay with any feeling we have (or complain if we are not happy) is also seen as insubordinate or negative. So, most messy feelings get put in the individual and collective shadow, only to be seen in extreme volcanic eruptions. We internalize that we are ‘too much’ for other people because we have feelings: For the record, we are NOT TOO MUCH. Rather, this is a reflection of our people’s lack of capacity to handle more feelings. We are walking feeling wheels, all of us. A good way to reclaim this is to honour the feminine AND masculine in all of us.

“Emotion is rarely convenient and quite often intolerable but I find at the moment it’s quite all right. Anne with an E showOne way to help us get a better sense of our relationship to feelings now is to do a bit of a memory walk down our childhood experience lane. What is your early experience of emotions? As an adult how are you expressing emotion now? Is it the same or different? Have you possibly developed an unhealthy relationship with your feelings?

Not only are we able to get a better handle of our emotions, we are also able to heal old experiences of our feelings with new positive corrective ones. Remember how i mentioned neuroplasticity and how our brain can learn new tricks? As our living happens in real time, in the here and now, we are given lots of do-over opportunity to correct old negative experiences that have been stuck in us. One way i have been able to do that is to reclaim my right to anger or sadness. Of course i’m sad – my mom died and i was not able to heal our relationships. My sadness is proportional to the experience. My partner and own therapist reflect that my feeling is not only valid but also understood. That has been a reckoning: I was told my sadness was too much as a child, and that my anger had no place at the table.

Dosing the field with safety is when we intentionally connect with things that help our nervous system feel safe. It comes from the beautiful work of Polyvagal Theory to help us just boost just enough so we have a bit more capacity in our bodies. Think of intentional glimmer moments from Deb Dana. (I think I heard of this term specifically by Carmen Spagnola.) So, make sure you stock up on things like: Chocolate (the good stuff), tea, hot shower, candles, fresh flowers, good music. Make a point to get outside, talk to a friend, or recall a favourite memory. It doesn’t have to be sensory-based resources like this but just enough to dose yourself with safety.

When we resource ourselves in this way, it reminds our body that we do have some capacity. Even if it remembers other similar hard experiences like this, this present moment opportunity is a corrective experience that helps us stay in the here and now.This article is a great resource to learn just how this works.

There will be days like this: hard ones that feel full of sadness and disappointment, heartbreak even. Marianne Williamson reminds us that sadness is not a mental health issue. It’s okay to be sad and not have only happy days. This is living the full human experience.

The French philosopher Blaise Pascal taught that every problem comes from a person not being able to sit alone in a room with themselves (and their emotions). This may feel challenging because it is a forced pause to stay with our feelings. We typically want to run away from them and adrenaline is an addictive hormone that gets us moving away from reflecting on how we are feeling. Remember, feelings are fleeting so if we learn how to tend to ourselves for the 90 seconds they are visiting us, they will move through us faster.

Remember, it really is up to us to stay with a feeling or to disregard it. Further, we can have agency then to learn through feeling joy or pain. We don’t necessarily want to be void from feeling but rather have some psychological immunity so we don’t stay stuck in the suffering of it.

Healing Attachment Wounds

Posted on March 15, 2022 by Vania

Last month, i shared what Attachment Theory is, via the model of the show This is Us. I may have left you hanging with some thoughts (and possible worries) about your own attachment style. If that did leave you in limbo, i’m sorry. I also hope it motivated you to go to some links and resources to learn more about this body of work. This quiz is a great place to start to learn what your main Attachment Style is. Ironically, how we wait for support (or anything) is a sign of our Attachment Style.

This month, i’m back with some follow-up suggestions to share.

For one thing, i think it’s key to know that our attachment style is not permanent – it can be altered, repaired and heal. We also can have secure attachments with someone, and not so secure with others. In fact, there is a term for when we become securely attached – ‘Earned Secure.’ This is when we may have faced adversity in our childhood, and have become secure now, through therapy or loving relationships. This is because our attachment style is a state, not traits in us that remain stagnant. So, strategies can help us become more secure in our relationships.

There is hope yet.

In order to talk about healing our attachment wounds, we need to also check in about our boundaries. Did you know that both overly rigid boundaries AND permeable ones are responses to the same thing? Yup, it is connected to our earlier insecure attachment style: There was once a time when we didn’t feel safe, so we needed to self-protect.

The rigid boundaries and walls we make to keep people out as well as the people-pleasing response (or fawning) are both powerful adaptive strategies to feeling alone and scared.

While rigid walls were helpful as a child, they becomes an issue when we no longer need to be protective in present day relationships. It’s in our relationships now that those old tendencies and protective strategies can actually interfere with meaningful and deeper connection with others.

Fawning, self abandonment and rigid boundaries are all related to our nervous system’s need for survival, due to developmental or relational trauma and attachment wounds.

Speaking of which, i also want to point out that a relationship rupture is not the same as attachment wounds. We can make mistakes in our relationship, and repair them. Like if we forgot we agreed to something, or we are stuck in a rut. What makes it a deeper wound is when the rupture brings up old wounds that are steeped in attachment, abandonment and rejection. Or the incident is a betrayal of trust in the relationship.

Dan Siegel came up with the 4 S’s of Secure Attachment. While it’s geared for adult-child (parent/caregiver to child) relationships, it can be translated to any relationships. In order to feel SAFE, SEEN, SOOTHED and SECURE in relationship with someone else, our internal system needs to include physical security AND a felt security. If you want to learn more about his approach, here is an article with Tina Bryson, his co-author.

This is why there is a connection to our survival responses of Fight Flight Freeze Fawn and our attachment styles. A rapid flight/fight response in avoidant people sees others as a threat. So their nervous system brings out their Protectors. Avoidants do not rely on external supports but rather trust the handy work of their own Inner Firefighters.

So, what do we do? Here are some helpful strategies that may be supportive:

A) Attunement
Attunement is about signals: In order to know how we feel with others, we need to first know in ourself what we need. This takes some inner reflection and interoception work. One place to start is to learn what your triggers are. Ask yourself some questions like: What happens in your body when you feel abandoned or lonely? What emotions are being signaled? What are you saying to yourself about yourself at the time? When we can have this felt sense of self-awareness, we can follow through with the right remedy or resource to self-soothe or reach out for connection. What helps you personally – does swaying (a movement that mimics being swayed or rocked as a baby or in utero). Does going for a walk in nature help? What things help you feel more calm and centred? When we intentionally ask ourself what we need in a given moment AND act on it, that is healing attachment wounds in the here and now. When we can do this for ourselves, it makes it easier to ask others to meet our needs and trust that they will.

We have a human Need to attune, to our Self and others.

B) Be Seen and Belong
Gordon Neufeld speaks about the need of an Attachment Village. It is imperative to be seen as an individual and be loved in community for who we are. Think of someone in your life that helps you feel safe, soft and seen. We need only one other being that we feel seen by, so a village can start with just 2 members.

Stephen Porges (of Polyvagal Theory) calls this resource finding your Super Co-Regulator. It can be a maternal figure, or a cherished friend. What they do is emit a neuroception of calm and rest. They emit a “Social Releaser” from their body energy; something that releases in our bodies in social connection with others. The key is in their tone of voice, their compassion, and kind facial expression. It happens with socially engaged creatures similar to birdsong – when birds call to each other, or when wolves howl to each other in the night.

This can be challenging when our avoidant Island style has made it hard to be vulnerable and meet new people. So start first with gentle efforts like saying hi to other participant’s in your yoga class, or talk to other parents while waiting to pick up kids after school. Or maybe sign up for that pottery or Tarot class you have been wanting to make. Then reach out and say hi to another participant. Ask them to go for coffee after class. Swap social media contacts. I know it’s hard to make friends as adults – trust me!

“The infant and young child should experience a warm, Intimate, and continuous relationship with (their) mother (or permanent mother substitute) in which both feel satisfaction and enjoyment” (italics are mine to reflect inclusive language) ~ John Bowlby

C) Co-Regulaton fosters Connection
Co-regulation is an awareness of someone else’s experience and responding to it. Even the most securely attached relationships are attuned only 30 to 50% of the time. We can miss the bid for connection. What helps is to repair the damage caused (especially within 48 hours of it happening). For instance, think of when baby has hunger cries and the caregiver responds with nourishment. The baby’s interoception of hunger is validated, and their social engagement system is regulated. Our basic need for safety is having a felt sense of interoception.

Mentalization is the term for the effort the mind makes, the ability to understand actions by others and oneself in terms of thoughts, feelings, wishes, desires. It is about seeing ourselves from the outside and others from the inside : ‘back and forth, back and forth – the ability to see ourselves in another, and another in ourselves, is the gift of a loving relationship”

A high pain tolerance is not always a good thing – our distress in others can be due to developmental trauma, when we could not rely on others when wounded, hurt, or needing care. Similarly, it’s hard to reach out when our internal world feels sacred, whereas the external one carries shame; shame is an attachment wound and it thrives in isolation. So asking for helps is especially vulnerable or triggering.

Connection Bids help us feel seen and connected to others. John and Julie Gottman first came up with this practice. Also, one great complement to bids is to learn how to communicate effectively, as this is a key component in helping get what we want.

You know that feeling you get as you put on your favourite cozy sweater? That’s what co-regulation with an attachment figure, feels like for a child” ~ J. Milburn

D) Mutual Delight
One of the benefits of healthy relationships are the shared delight in an experience. While we want to feel secure in the relationship when we are apart (i.e. due to work trips, living apart, spending time with separate friend groups), we also need to feel that shared delight in doing things together. These moments of mutual delight are catalysts for tender feelings for each other, as well as building memories of stored good and gentle experiences together. When people spend time together doing things that are enjoyed, each member can feel a sense of belonging. This is crucial for building secure attachment.

I think this is why the pandemic has been so hard on relationships – couples, families, friends and colleagues. We have been kept apart and being together still feels scary or awkward. I think our attachment styles have been threatened with this collective trauma. It helps to start small, with something that is an easy delight. Maybe an ice cream date, or a shared meal at a favourite restaurant.

I love a good acronym as a resource. It helps my brain keep the info on hand. Jessica Fern’s book Polysecure has a great tool called HEARTS. Each letter represents a different practice that helps us build secure attachment with others as well as ourselves: H is for being here and now; E is for expressed delight; A is for attunement; R is for rituals and routines: T is for turning towards each other after conflict; and S is for secure attachment with self.

“Regardless of the source of our vulnerability – internal or external – the conditions that satisfy our attachment system’s set goals are primarily internal. We have to feel Felt.” ~ Bethany Saltman

Let’s look at the 3 types of Insecure Attachment now and see if we can get a further understanding of their needs.

Anxious
As you can see from reading my previous article on attachment styles, as well as these GREAT RESOURCES, someone who lives with an Anxious Attachment Style can become preoccupied with pleasing others in order to fit in. What can show up is Toxic Positivity and people pleasing practices in order to have some connection. Anxiously Attached folx are hypoboundaried, meaning they do not have clear boundaries because they fear being abandoned. So they will be more willing to please and follow along to not threaten the separation. While this may sound familiar and also daunting, there are some great and gentle ways to help you repair this pull.

Heal Your Inner Child – you may be been parentified, a saviour, a taught helper. So spend time with reconnecting to your own Wounded Child Part. What does she need right now? How does she want to be loved? What ways can you play with her? One of my favourite exercises is getting creative with a craft activity from my childhood. How about making some beads with polymer clay, or maybe making slime. Put together a play list or watch a show from that time in your life. The key is to witness and nurture her.

When our Inner Child starts to feel loved and seen, the instinct to please others will not be as strong, because we are connecting with our Self. This will be especially helpful and reparative when it comes to dating, so that we don’t self-sabotage our own needs in order to remain in relationship. This article shares more about our how attachment still can impact our sexual relationships. Find ways to grieve what your Inner Child experienced and also ways to not continue the pattern in your adult self now.

Avoidant
Similar to the benefits of taking vitamins for our health, Contact Nutrition is the formula of helping us feel connected. I first learned this from Carmen Spagnola who studied with Diane Poole Heller. There are 5 vitamins to practice: Kind Eyes, Soft Voice, Safe Touch, In Tune Rhythm and Shared Meals. So, when you are starting to feel the pull away from someone, see if you can track their eyes, voice, or reach out and touch them. Try sharing a meal with them and track how your body feels in this communal ritual.

Another way to help stay regulated and centred when it feels too much is to self-soothing resources like Orient to the Space or Find Your Edges. Both are breath exercises that look at your space externally and internally. I love this resource when i am starting to feel overwhelmed in a busy space. I contact a painting or item and then find its edges. I breathe more intentionally, i sigh out a sense of relief and calm. Other steps are breathing out the sound of Voo (a resource from Peter Levine) or saying “I am Safe, I am Home” softly to yourself. This is how we soften our bodies so that we can stay with someone longer. People who have an Avoidant Attachment Style have hyperboundaries and are rigid because they fear becoming engulfed or enmeshed with someone else. So we are trying to thaw and self-regulate before falling into a Functional Freeze State.

It’s important to acknowledge here that when we talk about healing our attachment styles and relationships, i am NOT talking about staying in an abusive relationship or reconciling with someone who hurt you. The repair work can happen with other people. Self-Compassion work can be radical because it reminds you of your dignity and right to live free of fear of someone hurting you. It also means treating others with that same respect and care. It is about having grace for mistakes and learning that repair after ruptures are key ways to heal attachment wounds.

“Self compassion is a Practice of building a secure attachment for the first time” ~ vania sukola

DisorganizedIf you have experienced family violence or partner abuse, it may seem hard to think of someone who has been a support to you. It may feel challenging to trust someone again. One resource that can be helpful is to create one. This is a Competent Protector (something i also learned from Carmen). Have you seen any of these old movies when a doll, mannequin or statue comes to life? It’s a bit like that. While similar to a Recalled Resource or Attachment Village, this resources is one that is created and more of an internal resource. Think of what qualities or traits would be important to you. Think of consistent care examples in others that you know personally or have seen on TV. I also like to blend parts of people i admire or feel safe with and put them into this creation.

After creating this Protector, spend some time in their presence. Do a self-guided visualization and see what happens in your body. Place your hand over your heart and do some Vagal Breaths. In Narrative Therapy, there is a similar resource called the Recalled Resource. This is an intentional practice of recalling someone who was an example of a secure attachment, even if temporary. Maybe it was a teacher, or a family friend, or even your family pet or stuffie.

Speaking of which, if it seems hard to think of another human, don’t start with one – people can can be assholes. Instead, think of how you feel in community with a favourite tree, in a swing, or with your pet now. Some of my favourite Competent Protectors of being in the water (a lake or ocean especially) or sitting under the Full Moon.

One other way to work on healing this attachment style is to reach out to a therapist. This resource can help you feel more anchored and get to a felt sense of stability. Therapy sessions are not real life, so they are a great way to practice in vivo. This is especially powerful if a rupture happens with your therapist, and you can repair the therapeutic alliance in a safe way.

Attachment wounds happen in relationships so we need to heal in secure relationships in the present. The first steps are trusting we are worthy of right relationships, building our capacity to stay within our Window of Presence and take some risks.

You’re worth it.

Rainbow Jar for Feelings

Posted on May 15, 2019 by Vania

Recently, my kids and I were having a tough time and i was reminded me of co-regulation tol, the rainbow jar. I made it when my son was little many moons ago . It’s the tool to help with feelings as a way to process them and hold space for them. When we opened up the jar recently we noticed we needed to update it. There’s nothing like jumping on the bed to make us feel better

My son wears his heart on his sleeve. Since his sense of justice systems, sometimes it can harbour some conflict with his peers. He holds on to this anger and it’s hard for him to come back to neutral. While i can appreciate his sense of fairness, it can get in the way of accepting the reality of a moment. He goes into fight mode pretty quick and is hard to get back into his calm window.

My daughter hates to be wrong, or in the wrong. If i am every angry at her (and of course, i am allowed to be as her mom), she holds on to this and then creates a grudge herself. She also really struggles when things are less than perfect.

Both of these examples are great ones because when we can learn emotion regulation and staying with a feeling, then we are able to also foster some self-reflection and a more healthy mindset of acceptance. In our family, we are working to allow space for all the feelings, not just the easy and positive ones. That is hard to do sometimes.

Gordon Neufeld’s latest work on resilience in children (and adults truly) focuses on the importance of Play, Rest, and Feeling. Having access to all three is an integral part to establishing resilience and bouncing back after a challenge of adversity. I love the intention of noticing a full range of feelings in this process. If you want to learn more about how to take care of your kid’s feelings, Sarah Rosensweet also has a great article on how to help children with their emotional backpacks.

With this in mind, i created this tool to help my kids notice and honour their feelings. And of course, i use it as well – both as a model and knowing i can benefit from it as well. We keep it right in the dining room where any of us can access it easily. The agreement is if one of us needs help with their feelings, and asks for company, we join them. I want my kids to know i am there for any of the feelings, so we carve out space. I help them set it up, and if i am prepping dinner or something like that, we negotiate the timing to honour everyone’s needs.

Here are some of our activities:

– Jump on the bed
– Eat some chocolate
– Read a book
– Rip up some paper
– Cuddle together and get some tears out
– Dance party!
– Listen to a favourite song
– Colour
– Play outside
– Talk to someone about it
– Find a pet rock
– Build a lego fort for my feelings
– Have a cup of tea
– Play by myself
– I spy with colours – red, orange, yellow, green, blue, violet
– 5 Senses game: 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things to touch, 2 things to smell (get out some calming essential oils, 1 thing to taste)

That pouch you see in the photo has some Worry Dolls from a trip to Guatemala from years ago. I love this sweet tool to help hold space for feelings with kids. Both my kids have one that they keep close, as a reminder. What are some fun and effective ways you help co-regulate those hard feelings?

I Was That Mom

Posted on April 24, 2019 by Vania

I was that mom recently, in the grocery story. You know the one, where her kids are out of control and you don’t want to make eye contact with anyone. I should have known better; what was i thinking bringing 2 kids to the grocery store to get supplies for supper. Egads, i even bargained with them to get their own stash of candy and snacks for the week.

My kids are not toddlers anymore, so either I should lower my expectation to hope that we can we get errands done after school, or they will never be able to get their beloved snacks. Right now, I’m leaning on the no snacks for a while.

Let me back up and explain myself, as i am usually the one to tell others to not take kids grocery shopping if they can help it. It was April Fool’s Day and as a nice surprise, i thought it would be more fun to play hookie from school and go hang out with my sister and kids for the day. My son was all over that – he hates Mondays and school (what a terrible combo, I’ll give him that) but my daughter was upset to miss school, or at least the jokes she was planning to make on friends at school. After a bit of work getting her onboard, we went to visit my parents. It’s a quick road trip away, and yet it always seems to bring with it some baggage – in this case, my son has outgrown the toys that remain at my parent’s home from my own childhood. He gets bored quickly when there isn’t a book to read. His boredom quickly turns to irritability which can spiral down pretty rapidly. This leads to sibling conflict that is so triggering for me – they get mean and uncooperative, and downright aggressive, to me and each other.

It can be hard to shift after big conflicts, and yet i knew i had to find a solution (aka distraction) quickly. When i suggested to play hide-and-seek, they had no idea of what amazing options were at their disposal. Living in a 100-year old house in Toronto means no closets, so our hiding spaces are limited. Not so in a newer house.

Luckily, we found a way to enjoy the rest of the day. That is, until we drove home and got stuck in traffic on the highway, and it slowed our commute down considerably. My kids were fine. I had some foresight, so I pre-planned and brought their tablets to play with while i drove. Since i don’t drive often on the highway, i feel a bit anxious, so i knew that i needed any help i could get.

It was during this drive that i was able to reflect on what i needed to regroup. I had thought that i could just drive while listening to my favourite playlist, and i would be back to the city. I was still irritable from the kids’ conflict at my parents, slightly stressed to drive on the highway, and i was so thirsty. It’s one thing to do a checklist and see how i’m feeling, but a whole other activity to take care of that need when stuck in a car with your kids, and you are the one that’s driving.

Once we got to the city, i knew i had to get groceries or we wouldn’t have food for dinner or lunches. My kids shared that they were onboard with going, and we made a deal to get things quickly. But once inside, it’s like my son realized that he could have more fun by being silly. Sure, that can help boring things go by more quickly, but at what expense? He put all sorts of things in the grocery cart (dog food, but we don’t have a dog, meat but we’re vegetarian, you get the idea). By the end of our 20 minute excursion, i was so done. I contemplated just ditching our groceries and going home empty-handed, but i knew that would mean more work for me ultimately.

I’ve been noticing that my anger (hyperaroused state in the great Window of Tolerance tool) has been escalating quickly lately, and the logical side of my brain knows the tools to do to help calm down. I am trying to catch it a bit sooner. I knew that the anger (dare i say rage even) was brewing inside when while i was bagging the goods at the cashier. I felt eyes and judgement on me but i kept breathing and reminding myself that I would be home in minutes. I just had to get home.

Our family practices non-violent communication instead of discipline. Sure, that means we are a talking-it-out family, and yet i know that taking their candy (that i did buy) wouldn’t tell them how they acted was inappropriate – it would just tell them that i took something away that they wanted and i had promised them. Of course, they didn’t EAT any of this said candy when we got home, but we sure did talk about expectations, being a better team, and how to honour the agreements we made.

As a therapist, i know what i should be doing to regulate my emotions. As an attachment-based parent, I know that my kids’ behaviour was telling me something, and as a feminist i know that i have a right to be angry when there is more work on my plate just by going to the store with my kids. It’s a lot to balance.

So, i choose self-compassion – while i couldn’t make eye contact with the other customers at the store (a few with kids in tow themselves), i still knew that i was not the only mom in the world who was having a hard time taking her kids to the grocery store. That common humanity helped me. So did the time i took to myself when we did get home.

And so did the candy that we bought, that i snuck in for myself before making dinner that evening.

How to Catch a Rainbow

Posted on April 30, 2018 by Vania

May is a busy month, with various key dates of celebration and recognition. Over the course of the month, i am going to share with you some tools and suggestions. First up, in honour of Maternal Mental Health Week, here is a tool that i put together. After studying both Dialectical Behaviour Therapy as well as more somatic/body-based self-compassion modalities, i find this tool can be helpful to help you take control of your emotions. I love acronyms as it makes it so much easy to remember the suggestions. Plus it’s a helpful reminder that we can be in control of our feelings.

It can be hard to take time for yourself, especially when we are told to take care of others and that it’s selfish to do kind things for ourselves. This tool can be a great way for you to steal some moments to yourself, in an intentional way. It also can manifest some good feelings that linger. Rainbows are incredible symbols of everyday magic or woo woo, and taking time to notice the joy and beauty in the everyday helps us with our emotional well-being. We deserve to notice these moments, and deserve to take time to pause. I also find the analogy of getting through to the other side of a storm, or getting to back home (over the rainbow) as reference. If you’d like your own worksheet version, go to my Toolkit Handouts here page and make a copy – you can put it up on your fridge as a reminder.

R – What is an activity of REST that you can take a break with
What are some ways you can rest and relax? We can only see rainbows when we are able to be aware of what’s in front of us. This is also a great way to notice what we need an a given moment. Reading is a great way for your brain to take a break from the monkey mind or inner critic. It is especially helpful when we are able to distract ourselves from the everyday worries and thoughts. You can get your dog-eared favourite book, or a new book that you have never read; it can be a fiction novel, self-help book, or a how-to book for something you want to learn. Take time to write in your own journal, free writing or following a guide. Or maybe you would rather watch a movie that you have never seen before – the idea is to let your brain relax and absorb what it is taking in, instead of the constant chatter it typically takes you to.

A – ACCEPT as you are – it is what it is
Radical Acceptance is a helpful tool to be able to acknowledge something for what it is. That doesn’t mean we have to truly agree with it, but the acceptance can be a first step to let things go. This stops the pain from turning into suffering, and it allows us to be more present with ourselves in the present. When we don’t accept something, it keeps us stuck. So, try working with this idea and practice saying “it is what it is.” See how that starts to feel in your body. Maybe some parts feel less stuck or tight.

I – What is an INTENTION that you can set for your day
Setting intentions for a day, a week, or a year can be a guide that sets you with following where your want your life to go. The intention can be a simple word that carries meaning for you, or a mantra/affirmation that holds significance for you. If you don’t already have one, take some time to journal and brainstorm the words and phrases that are meaningful for you. It is a good way of giving ourselves permission to focus on what we really want, and to take ownership of our moods and behaviour. Then work on ways to implement it into your everyday life. Maybe there is a symbol that speaks to you as a guide – be it a rainbow of hope and luck, a butterfly of resilience, or a lavender flower that helps you feel calm. When you have a symbol that acts as Recalled Anchor (i wrote about it more here) or resource, seeing it in your everyday life is a great way to boost your mood. This podcast that talks more about everyday magic and woo woo is a great listen!

N – Be NICE to yourself – practice self-compassion
Self-Compassion is not the same as self-esteem and yet they work well together. To have self-compassion, it implies that we need to treat ourselves with the loving kindness we give others when they need our support. Think of some ways to give yourself self-compassion – it can be a permission slip to eat some chocolate after a hard day, and to enjoy it without judgement. It can be to not do the dishes and instead watch some marathon TV. It can be a yoga stretch or dance to your favourite music. The compassion comes from reminding yourself that your matter and deserve this break.

B – Take time for yourself and Take some deep BREATHS
Slowing down in the here-and-now moment is a great way for you to catch your breath, and align your body with what your mind is focused on. It’s important to slow down and catch your breath. If it’s hard to do some breathes or meditation on your own, that’s okay – look up some great guided visualization apps or programs. Or, can you put your feet up and just take in the sights and sounds around you? Linger a bit longer in the shower, add some luxurious hand lotion to your sensory self-care. Have a cat-nap. Maybe treat yourself to a nice mala bracelet with your favourite crystal – this can be a calming tool and a way to practice some mindful meditation.

O – Go OUTSIDE and get some fresh air in your body
Research has shown links to fresh air, being outdoors and mental health. Our brains are elastic and benefit from the change in scenery as well as air changes. Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and Polyvagal theory also show us that a quick walk outdoors can do a lot to change our mood. Everything is better outside. Think of some simple things you can do – a walk, sitting on your porch our balcony, a picnic snack during your lunch break for instance. Another benefit to getting outside is that there may be other people that you can connect with – it helps us feel less alone or isolated after being indoors when feeling down. You don’t need to have a long chat with someone, but a quick hello can be a great break your mind and body needs too.

W – Drink a glass of WATER to refresh yourself – take care of your body’s basic needs
In keeping with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, it’s imperative to take care of your basic needs. Research shows that we need to nurture our physical body in order to heal our mental health. Do a quick checklist – when was the last time you drank some water, had a healthy snack, slept enough, did some exercise for your body? If it’s been 2 hours since your last water break, have a glass right now. And then find ways to allow time for the other ways to take care of your body.