Tag Archives: relational trauma

I am Not My Mother, My Daughter is Not Me

Posted on by

“Until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate” Carl Jung

I like a good podcast to keep me company. I don’t always like to listen to them when i walk home after work: I like to immerse myself in the walk and the quiet. And yet, i was pulled to have company on a few walks recently. So, podcasts were a great solution. And guess what, they gave me both company and pause.

For instance, on Glennon Doyle’s recent podcast episode on her wonderful program We Can Do Hard Things, she had Dr. Becky on a two-part episode. They talked about parenting in modern times and the struggle to be present parents. And yea! They talked about IFS.

There were some nuggets in there for sure. As an attachment-based trauma therapist, a lot of what she shared was not new to me. And yet the timing in my own life is pretty serendipitous.

Here are some quotes i got straight from the source:
– “It’s the child job to have feelings and it’s my job to guide them to be able to have a way to process through them”
– “I need to embody my authority and boundary AND honour my child feelings”
– “We can’t learn to regulate feelings you don’t allow yourself to have”
– “We react most to who and what provokes our earliest attachments”

So this felt really relevant to me. I definitely have witnessed and experienced for myself that we look to shutdown in others what was shutdown in us: It is just too much for us to bear. It’s partly because we are triggered by our children in areas that not finished in our story. What doesn’t get healed and integrated in ourself can manifest into anxiety. And as Dr. Becky reminds us “anxiety is a symptom of what you want to do right or new but it old wiring and need to update the circuits.”

Um…yup yup yup.

In my recent therapy session, my own therapist reminded me to track what is my story and what is about my daughter directly. This was not a new idea to me: I’ve been noticing that this ending and beginning interplay between us has been quite present over the years. I have learned to say to myself “what is mine and what is not mine.” It’s a way of helping me discern where my own story ends and my daughter’s may begin, especially if there is overlap.

Lately, there has been a lot of overlap.

Some of it goes further back and i am also noticing what my mom’s story was.

It’s important to have this distinction because it helps to know what is within my control and worth tending to. It also gives me some agency to know what is worth my energy or when i might be transferring my own needs and experience onto my daughter.

For instance, i shared last month how my daughter is again facing a year at school where she is separated from her friends. I know this is a common experience, and yet it angers me that it still continues to be so. I wish that more consideration went into what we know now about children’s self-esteem and attachment theory.

I know what it’s like to be alone, separated from friends and not having a felt sense of belonging. Having a community is essential to help us grow into more actualized adults. It also can help buffer us from further pain related to relationships. When we have a good foundation, it gives us a healthier perspective on relationships and life in general.

Let’s not forget we are social creatures, wired for connection.

My mom did not have a big community when i was growing up. She had a few friends and spoke to our neighbours. My parents came to Canada during a mass immigration, but before the diaspora due to the war in what was Yugoslavia. She didn’t belong to a community, even though she supported family to come after her. I saw her try – with exercise classes, Spanish lessons, and talking to other dance moms. She was shy and quiet, mainly due to feeling insecure about her strong accent and a deep distrust of sharing herself with others. So that meant that i didn’t really see her socialize and have friends. It was rare for her go out in the evenings with a friend. More rare, or in fact never happened, was a weekend event outside the home.

Now, as an adult, i am catching myself comparing myself to my mom. I see one of the hardest struggles she endured was loneliness and a deep aloneness in her experience. She turned to me to be her confidant and emotional support. Even at 15 years old, i knew my place was to hold other people’s needs. It’s no surprise that i chose to be a psychotherapist, holding space for other’s feelings and narratives.

In my personal life, I make an intentional point to make plans with friends. This is important modeling for my kids. I want them to see not just that i value community but that having a felt sense of belonging establishes a healthy self regard for ourselves. It is also tied to feeling joy and pleasure in our life. I am grateful for a dinner out with friends or being able to start hosting them again in my home.

And yet, these past few months have been more lonely and alone than i ever would have expected. And that comes on the heels of a pandemic, rather than at its peak most isolating period.

So, when my daughter learned that she was not in the same class as her friends, i couldn’t help but put myself in her shoes. We are the same size so i actually worry i put her in my shoes.

My trauma is not my daughter’s trauma
My mom’s needs are not mine

Relational and attachment wounds start in childhood, mainly due to an insecure attachment to a primary caregiver. They can also arise later in life, due to an unhealthy relationship with an intimate partner or toxic friendship. They are a type of trauma. Being separated from friends in school can be a “small t” trauma itself. We feel so alone in the classroom, it feels like noone has our back and it is us against the world.

Here is the distinction though: not all events lead to trauma. What may be impacted by one person as trauma, another person who experiences the same thing may not be traumatized. In The Body Keeps the Score, countless stories remind us of this truth. It is not just that they are more resilient, but rather they were not alone in their experience and had a space to unpack their feelings. Peter Levine shares that one reason that trauma gets stored in the body is because we are alone in experiencing it and no one was there to help hold the story for us.

In the book What Happened to You, the authors shared their concept of the Three E’s of Trauma: Event Experience Effect. All three need to be reviewed to get a sense if the person is experiencing trauma as a response to an event.

This knowledge of trauma healing work gives a better backdrop to a family’s trauma cycle: the generational experience and patterns that may lead to intergenerational trauma.

Did you know that the egg that made you was first embedded in your grandmother? So her life experience can carry into your own cells. This includes legacy burdens.

“Only with heightened coping skills will we be able to rise above our shell shock and be who we want to be. All of us have the capacity to do this, and when we do, we will increase our own happiness and be of greater service to those around us.” Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia
Break the Cycle
I’ve been thinking a lot about epigenetics and the impact of intergenerational trauma. I have been tracking what ages of my children have been harder for me, not just as their mom but also as it brings up triggers of my own experience. At times, it shows me the scars of my unresolved traumas are being cut open again.

There are some things are definitely mine: The pandemic, my own birth trauma, i left home at 16 and i am the only mother in my extended family who also works outside the home (to name a few examples). And there are other things that are in my mom’s backpack baggage: Driving is hard, dating as a wife and romance was not visible, she left home country at 20 and had no family support.

How do these very different experiences impact us? One way we are impacted by intergenerational trauma and attachment wounds is our self-esteem. We witness our mothers and how they care for and see themselves. That modelling gets passed down to us and we internalize how we think we need to think about ourselves.

Self-esteem is the internal understanding of our self-regard. It gets mixed in with confidence, but that is an externally based reflection, due to a focus on attributes, success and sought-after items. Take for example, my parents got me a car in high school. It helped me get to dance class and yet it was a hot commodity with my friends. My confidence was boosted by the popularity i received by owning my own car.

Our self-esteem is a lifelong journey. At times, it is tumultuous. Many of us were raised in an era where our self-esteem and worth were not at the forefront of parenting or child-related systems (i.e. school). Now we know better.

Girls’ self-esteem peaks at age 8. In an era of social media and technology, i can’t help but wonder if the age is even younger now. According to Richard Schwartz, who created Internal Family Systems, we are born with all our Parts. What changes their role is how our life is shaped between the ages of 0-11 years old.

My kids are 13 and 10. No pressure, mama.

I have not always caught what triggers me until after the fact. Case in point: my daughter’s room. I thought i’d be that mom that didn’t care about how messy a kid’s bedroom got. For a while, i would just brush off the impact. At other times, i would go in and clean it up. Now, i barely go in there – and let’s be clear, it’s almost impossible to step foot on the actual floor. But i have to be mindful of what i say here – i am not a fan public shaming. Rather, my point is noticing with surprise, the impact my daughter’s room has on me. I have learned it’s a trauma response for me that is still unhealed, that makes it hard for me to accept the state of her room. I was never allowed to have a messy room. I internalized that in order for me to feel safe and calm, i needed a tidy space with everything where it belongs. For the sake of my nervous system, this helped me feel safe when i felt like i walked on eggshells at home.

Does that make me a permissive mom? Maybe. It also makes me a conscious, respectful and regulated mom who accepts what i cannot change.

Gretchen Smeltzer wrote in her book, Journey Through Trauma “the feeling of safety is an outcome, not an input, and trauma work. You create a safe environment in mind body spirit emotions and relationships and then you practice taking safety in.”

We become our patterns especially when we are not aware of them. That is what gets repeated.

I had an out of body experience recently, looking at my life from the outside in. Going through my mom’s things had real hon me how similar I have become to her. I have been so dreading becoming my mother for years. Her unhappiness, her endless craft works in progress, her lack of community. And lately I feel like I became her subconsciously, without realizing it. I noted that I don’t have to repeat what had been broken.


Coming out of the woods and back on our path is like healing from trauma. It is a hero’s journey – what we do with our life after healing trauma. Judith Herman’s theory of the 3 stages of trauma therapy really unpacks this process well. They mirror the journey of the hero, finally getting to integration.

Trauma is not just what happens to us, it’s what was taken from us because the trauma got in the way of our development. It’s also not having the support and resources we need to heal.

Trauma is a nervous system wound, and it is also a heart wound. “The ways it shapes and takes and changes us could be nothing less than heartbreak.” Syanna Wand. So it is also grief work – grief of what could have been, and was taken from us and can never be.

Trauma resolution is moving from a trauma vortex that’s designed to protect us from further harm to a more embodied place of pleasure and living life with full expression

Healing takes time and new wounds can happen, as new traumas can be had. What shifts is the dual awareness of what we need now, and what no longer is stored in us as a trauma vortex, but a more healed one.

So this is where I sit now – being able to notice where my story ends and my kids’ begin. It’s a way of stopping the intergenerational trauma from continuing on.

No pressure, mama.

Healing Attachment Wounds

Posted on by

Last month, i shared what Attachment Theory is, via the model of the show This is Us. I may have left you hanging with some thoughts (and possible worries) about your own attachment style. If that did leave you in limbo, i’m sorry. I also hope it motivated you to go to some links and resources to learn more about this body of work. This quiz is a great place to start to learn what your main Attachment Style is. Ironically, how we wait for support (or anything) is a sign of our Attachment Style.

This month, i’m back with some follow-up suggestions to share.

For one thing, i think it’s key to know that our attachment style is not permanent – it can be altered, repaired and heal. We also can have secure attachments with someone, and not so secure with others. In fact, there is a term for when we become securely attached – ‘Earned Secure.’ This is when we may have faced adversity in our childhood, and have become secure now, through therapy or loving relationships. This is because our attachment style is a state, not traits in us that remain stagnant. So, strategies can help us become more secure in our relationships.

There is hope yet.

In order to talk about healing our attachment wounds, we need to also check in about our boundaries. Did you know that both overly rigid boundaries AND permeable ones are responses to the same thing? Yup, it is connected to our earlier insecure attachment style: There was once a time when we didn’t feel safe, so we needed to self-protect.

The rigid boundaries and walls we make to keep people out as well as the people-pleasing response (or fawning) are both powerful adaptive strategies to feeling alone and scared.

While rigid walls were helpful as a child, they becomes an issue when we no longer need to be protective in present day relationships. It’s in our relationships now that those old tendencies and protective strategies can actually interfere with meaningful and deeper connection with others.

Fawning, self abandonment and rigid boundaries are all related to our nervous system’s need for survival, due to developmental or relational trauma and attachment wounds.

Speaking of which, i also want to point out that a relationship rupture is not the same as attachment wounds. We can make mistakes in our relationship, and repair them. Like if we forgot we agreed to something, or we are stuck in a rut. What makes it a deeper wound is when the rupture brings up old wounds that are steeped in attachment, abandonment and rejection. Or the incident is a betrayal of trust in the relationship.

Dan Siegel came up with the 4 S’s of Secure Attachment. While it’s geared for adult-child (parent/caregiver to child) relationships, it can be translated to any relationships. In order to feel SAFE, SEEN, SOOTHED and SECURE in relationship with someone else, our internal system needs to include physical security AND a felt security. If you want to learn more about his approach, here is an article with Tina Bryson, his co-author.

This is why there is a connection to our survival responses of Fight Flight Freeze Fawn and our attachment styles. A rapid flight/fight response in avoidant people sees others as a threat. So their nervous system brings out their Protectors. Avoidants do not rely on external supports but rather trust the handy work of their own Inner Firefighters.

So, what do we do? Here are some helpful strategies that may be supportive:

A) Attunement
Attunement is about signals: In order to know how we feel with others, we need to first know in ourself what we need. This takes some inner reflection and interoception work. One place to start is to learn what your triggers are. Ask yourself some questions like: What happens in your body when you feel abandoned or lonely? What emotions are being signaled? What are you saying to yourself about yourself at the time? When we can have this felt sense of self-awareness, we can follow through with the right remedy or resource to self-soothe or reach out for connection. What helps you personally – does swaying (a movement that mimics being swayed or rocked as a baby or in utero). Does going for a walk in nature help? What things help you feel more calm and centred? When we intentionally ask ourself what we need in a given moment AND act on it, that is healing attachment wounds in the here and now. When we can do this for ourselves, it makes it easier to ask others to meet our needs and trust that they will.

We have a human Need to attune, to our Self and others.

B) Be Seen and Belong
Gordon Neufeld speaks about the need of an Attachment Village. It is imperative to be seen as an individual and be loved in community for who we are. Think of someone in your life that helps you feel safe, soft and seen. We need only one other being that we feel seen by, so a village can start with just 2 members.

Stephen Porges (of Polyvagal Theory) calls this resource finding your Super Co-Regulator. It can be a maternal figure, or a cherished friend. What they do is emit a neuroception of calm and rest. They emit a “Social Releaser” from their body energy; something that releases in our bodies in social connection with others. The key is in their tone of voice, their compassion, and kind facial expression. It happens with socially engaged creatures similar to birdsong – when birds call to each other, or when wolves howl to each other in the night.

This can be challenging when our avoidant Island style has made it hard to be vulnerable and meet new people. So start first with gentle efforts like saying hi to other participant’s in your yoga class, or talk to other parents while waiting to pick up kids after school. Or maybe sign up for that pottery or Tarot class you have been wanting to make. Then reach out and say hi to another participant. Ask them to go for coffee after class. Swap social media contacts. I know it’s hard to make friends as adults – trust me!

“The infant and young child should experience a warm, Intimate, and continuous relationship with (their) mother (or permanent mother substitute) in which both feel satisfaction and enjoyment” (italics are mine to reflect inclusive language) ~ John Bowlby

C) Co-Regulaton fosters Connection
Co-regulation is an awareness of someone else’s experience and responding to it. Even the most securely attached relationships are attuned only 30 to 50% of the time. We can miss the bid for connection. What helps is to repair the damage caused (especially within 48 hours of it happening). For instance, think of when baby has hunger cries and the caregiver responds with nourishment. The baby’s interoception of hunger is validated, and their social engagement system is regulated. Our basic need for safety is having a felt sense of interoception.

Mentalization is the term for the effort the mind makes, the ability to understand actions by others and oneself in terms of thoughts, feelings, wishes, desires. It is about seeing ourselves from the outside and others from the inside : ‘back and forth, back and forth – the ability to see ourselves in another, and another in ourselves, is the gift of a loving relationship”

A high pain tolerance is not always a good thing – our distress in others can be due to developmental trauma, when we could not rely on others when wounded, hurt, or needing care. Similarly, it’s hard to reach out when our internal world feels sacred, whereas the external one carries shame; shame is an attachment wound and it thrives in isolation. So asking for helps is especially vulnerable or triggering.

Connection Bids help us feel seen and connected to others. John and Julie Gottman first came up with this practice. Also, one great complement to bids is to learn how to communicate effectively, as this is a key component in helping get what we want.

You know that feeling you get as you put on your favourite cozy sweater? That’s what co-regulation with an attachment figure, feels like for a child” ~ J. Milburn

D) Mutual Delight
One of the benefits of healthy relationships are the shared delight in an experience. While we want to feel secure in the relationship when we are apart (i.e. due to work trips, living apart, spending time with separate friend groups), we also need to feel that shared delight in doing things together. These moments of mutual delight are catalysts for tender feelings for each other, as well as building memories of stored good and gentle experiences together. When people spend time together doing things that are enjoyed, each member can feel a sense of belonging. This is crucial for building secure attachment.

I think this is why the pandemic has been so hard on relationships – couples, families, friends and colleagues. We have been kept apart and being together still feels scary or awkward. I think our attachment styles have been threatened with this collective trauma. It helps to start small, with something that is an easy delight. Maybe an ice cream date, or a shared meal at a favourite restaurant.

I love a good acronym as a resource. It helps my brain keep the info on hand. Jessica Fern’s book Polysecure has a great tool called HEARTS. Each letter represents a different practice that helps us build secure attachment with others as well as ourselves: H is for being here and now; E is for expressed delight; A is for attunement; R is for rituals and routines: T is for turning towards each other after conflict; and S is for secure attachment with self.

“Regardless of the source of our vulnerability – internal or external – the conditions that satisfy our attachment system’s set goals are primarily internal. We have to feel Felt.” ~ Bethany Saltman

Let’s look at the 3 types of Insecure Attachment now and see if we can get a further understanding of their needs.

Anxious
As you can see from reading my previous article on attachment styles, as well as these GREAT RESOURCES, someone who lives with an Anxious Attachment Style can become preoccupied with pleasing others in order to fit in. What can show up is Toxic Positivity and people pleasing practices in order to have some connection. Anxiously Attached folx are hypoboundaried, meaning they do not have clear boundaries because they fear being abandoned. So they will be more willing to please and follow along to not threaten the separation. While this may sound familiar and also daunting, there are some great and gentle ways to help you repair this pull.

Heal Your Inner Child – you may be been parentified, a saviour, a taught helper. So spend time with reconnecting to your own Wounded Child Part. What does she need right now? How does she want to be loved? What ways can you play with her? One of my favourite exercises is getting creative with a craft activity from my childhood. How about making some beads with polymer clay, or maybe making slime. Put together a play list or watch a show from that time in your life. The key is to witness and nurture her.

When our Inner Child starts to feel loved and seen, the instinct to please others will not be as strong, because we are connecting with our Self. This will be especially helpful and reparative when it comes to dating, so that we don’t self-sabotage our own needs in order to remain in relationship. This article shares more about our how attachment still can impact our sexual relationships. Find ways to grieve what your Inner Child experienced and also ways to not continue the pattern in your adult self now.

Avoidant
Similar to the benefits of taking vitamins for our health, Contact Nutrition is the formula of helping us feel connected. I first learned this from Carmen Spagnola who studied with Diane Poole Heller. There are 5 vitamins to practice: Kind Eyes, Soft Voice, Safe Touch, In Tune Rhythm and Shared Meals. So, when you are starting to feel the pull away from someone, see if you can track their eyes, voice, or reach out and touch them. Try sharing a meal with them and track how your body feels in this communal ritual.

Another way to help stay regulated and centred when it feels too much is to self-soothing resources like Orient to the Space or Find Your Edges. Both are breath exercises that look at your space externally and internally. I love this resource when i am starting to feel overwhelmed in a busy space. I contact a painting or item and then find its edges. I breathe more intentionally, i sigh out a sense of relief and calm. Other steps are breathing out the sound of Voo (a resource from Peter Levine) or saying “I am Safe, I am Home” softly to yourself. This is how we soften our bodies so that we can stay with someone longer. People who have an Avoidant Attachment Style have hyperboundaries and are rigid because they fear becoming engulfed or enmeshed with someone else. So we are trying to thaw and self-regulate before falling into a Functional Freeze State.

It’s important to acknowledge here that when we talk about healing our attachment styles and relationships, i am NOT talking about staying in an abusive relationship or reconciling with someone who hurt you. The repair work can happen with other people. Self-Compassion work can be radical because it reminds you of your dignity and right to live free of fear of someone hurting you. It also means treating others with that same respect and care. It is about having grace for mistakes and learning that repair after ruptures are key ways to heal attachment wounds.

“Self compassion is a Practice of building a secure attachment for the first time” ~ vania sukola

DisorganizedIf you have experienced family violence or partner abuse, it may seem hard to think of someone who has been a support to you. It may feel challenging to trust someone again. One resource that can be helpful is to create one. This is a Competent Protector (something i also learned from Carmen). Have you seen any of these old movies when a doll, mannequin or statue comes to life? It’s a bit like that. While similar to a Recalled Resource or Attachment Village, this resources is one that is created and more of an internal resource. Think of what qualities or traits would be important to you. Think of consistent care examples in others that you know personally or have seen on TV. I also like to blend parts of people i admire or feel safe with and put them into this creation.

After creating this Protector, spend some time in their presence. Do a self-guided visualization and see what happens in your body. Place your hand over your heart and do some Vagal Breaths. In Narrative Therapy, there is a similar resource called the Recalled Resource. This is an intentional practice of recalling someone who was an example of a secure attachment, even if temporary. Maybe it was a teacher, or a family friend, or even your family pet or stuffie.

Speaking of which, if it seems hard to think of another human, don’t start with one – people can can be assholes. Instead, think of how you feel in community with a favourite tree, in a swing, or with your pet now. Some of my favourite Competent Protectors of being in the water (a lake or ocean especially) or sitting under the Full Moon.

One other way to work on healing this attachment style is to reach out to a therapist. This resource can help you feel more anchored and get to a felt sense of stability. Therapy sessions are not real life, so they are a great way to practice in vivo. This is especially powerful if a rupture happens with your therapist, and you can repair the therapeutic alliance in a safe way.

Attachment wounds happen in relationships so we need to heal in secure relationships in the present. The first steps are trusting we are worthy of right relationships, building our capacity to stay within our Window of Presence and take some risks.

You’re worth it.

This is Our Attachment Styles

Posted on by

I am a fan of the show This is Us. I love it for several reasons – It makes me release the tears i hold in my body, i appreciate the genuine and honestly imperfect relationships and characters, i am glad to see diversity represented, to name a few reasons. While there is so much to appreciate, one particular gratitude i have is how the show depicts attachment and relationships.

You don’t have to watch the show or even like it to see attachment theory as a repeating guest in its story. I promise not to intentionally share any spoilers, and yet i can’t help but notice the way Randall, Kevin and Kate, known as The Big Three (the 3 main characters are triplets) showcase the various types of attachment. It’s a good reminder that personality, our own genetic make-up and our resilience are all factors in how our attachment styles show up.

First, let me give you an overview of Attachment Theory, from early childhood development to how it manifests in our adult relationships later on in life.

Generally speaking, there are 4 different attachment styles where young children (before the age of 3) start to attach to their primary caregiver – Secure, Ambivalent, Avoidant and Disorganized. Thanks to the good work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, we have a better sense of these categories. The differences can be found in many great resources like HERE OR HERE. But to summarize, a Securely Attached child is one who trusts that their primary caregiver has their back, will respond to them with love and attention, and will come back when needing to be apart. An Ambivalent child has some trust that their parent will be there for them, but because sometimes they weren’t able to comfort them (for whatever reason), the child is unsure (or ambivalent) about how much they could trust their adult. An Avoidant child does not entirely trust their caregiver either, but they are more dismissive or avoidant in their reaching out to their adult. As you can imagine, a Disorganized Attachment is one where abuse, neglect, violence or other forms of trauma get in the way of building a healthy bond.

In the show This is Us, the family experiences a tragedy in The Big Three’s late teen years. Diane Poole Heller speaks extensively on how trauma impacts attachment Prior to that, you can see how the children each had their own relationships with each other and each of their parents. You can also see how the death of their dad, Jack (spoiler from season 1) impacts them into their adulthood.

The latest seasons unpack this even further. We get glimpses of their lives growing up and how their relationships with their mom form. The show really is about how trauma impacts a family, and how different attachment styles play a further role in how we move in with our life.

According to Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Attachment is formed by these 6 stages of proximity, sameness, significance, love, belonging and being known. Watching this show, you can see how these stages play out in The Big Three’s childhoods. It is reassuring how they created a way to acknowledge both their differences and sameness as all of them love the same sports team and going swimming in their local pool. In their adult life, the siblings continuously show love, significance and belonging with each other, even with all their different paths in life.

The show moves between past storylines and present-day experiences. As we see both time periods as the same time, this makes the impact of attachment that much more explicit.
Our attachment styles are formed in childhood, and take years to fully develop into any style. When we become adults, that original style typically stays present as our current relationships reinforce it. Or, we heal or shift our attachment style. Some people heal old attachment wounds and form healthy secure attachments with their partners or friends; others get stuck in abusive unhealthy relationships that put cracks in their formerly secure attachment. Stan Tatkin has adapted the Types of Attachment from childhood to reflect on these early attachment styles present themselves in Adulthood. This helps us understand both our love/intimate relationships as well as how we connect to our friends.

The Anchor
Randall is the most securely attached, both to his parents and how it shows in his relationship with his partner and children. Ironically, he has further intersections of trauma that could have played a more key role in how he attached. Scenes from their childhood show that he is the most securely attached to his mom of the 3 siblings. There are some episodes that show how his anxiety is related to his enmeshment to his mom, where he feels responsible for her. It may be because he doesn’t want to lose her as he did his dad, as well as his biological parents. Some of this may stem from his early Attachment Trauma Wound and race as he is black and was adopted into a white family. For many years in their childhood, they struggled with how to intentionally connect to his roots and identity.

It is important to note that our behaviour and personality does not all stem from attachment. This balancing act reminds us just how crucial nature and nurture is in families. Randall has experienced feelings of anxiety since he was young. A way it manifests in his teens is how committed he is and how he cares for his mom even at the age of 18. Now as a committed husband and doting father, he demonstrates how a healthy family can be born.

Memory recall plays a key role in what to look for when reflecting on our attachment styles. Attached people can describe all memories coherently, both positive or negative ones. Adults who are Dismissive don’t remember as much, or idealize parents; Preoccupied adults are wrapped up in those past hurts. These differences become evident in the show, through The Big Three as they recall their dad’s life.

The Wave
Kevin is an actor and he married his high school sweetheart when they were still teens. He has had a harder time committing to any relationship, but always shows up for his family, even when it’s messy showing up. He has struggled with how to take care of his grief and it comes out in unhealthy ways – his originally adaptive social side became maladaptive when it led to a struggle with addiction. He quickly refocuses his love for his partner, who he married at a young age. After the breakup, he struggles with healthy relationships for years.

His need for connection, being seen, and belonging keeps him in the loop of casual relationships and sexual encounters without connection. He commits hard, but then quickly spirals into a worry that he is either not good enough, or the relationship is not what he needs. He is like that perpetual wave; he’s in for a bit and then out. His work life reflects this even more.

Looking back, with the help of more recent seasons, it is easy to understand how torn he is with his grief and guilt regarding the loss of his father. This too is a powerful reminder of how trauma and attachment wounds are instrumental in carving out our life paths as adults.
Just like personality, delinquency is not connected to attachment all the time – risk taking is necessary for adolescence development. It’s when someone becomes more anti-social that is linked to attachment needs not being met.We have learned through research about childhood and adolescent resilience that children typically respond to adversity in three different ways: Promiscuous and Risk-taker, the Perfect Child, or Withdrawing to be Invisible.

Some of what shapes us is our attachment style, as it can be inherited by how our own parents modelled connection and bonding. This is where the concepts of Legacy Burdens (a concept from Internal Family Systems), generational patterns or procedural learning come in. We also are shaped by how our family is reflected in the bigger systems and society. This article showcases what makes a ‘healthy family;’ attachcment is just a part of the bigger picture.

The Island
The sole woman of The Big Three, Kate shows the most powerful transformation for me. Spoiler alert: she was able to heal her former insecure attachment and now become both securely attached as a woman in her adult relationships as well as start to heal the old traumas of her childhood with her mom.

In earlier seasons, Kate is in an abusive first relationship as a teen. She does not believe she deserves better, as she lives with low self-worth and body image. While her parents repeatedly support, validate and encourage her, she feels more seen by her father. When he dies (don’t worry, this is not a true spoiler as we find this out in the first season), she doesn’t feel the same secure attachment to her mom. She feels like she lives in her mom’s shadow and does what she has to get out from under it.

There is something to be said about the ties between mothers and their daughters. As mothers (and maternal nurturing role figures in general) are who in general model connection, this makes some sense. A whole genre of books, courses and stories has been a lot of focus on mother-daughter relationships. Just look at The Lost Daughter to get a sense of this. Sil Reynolds (a Marion Woodman-Jungian coach) wrote a whole book on her relationship with her daughter. Bethany Webster works specifically on Mother Wounds and wrote a pivotal book Discovering Your Inner Mother; and Strange Situation by Bethany Saltman speaks directly about her attachment style and how it shaped her foundation of attachment with her own daughter.

“Take everything off your shoulders and give it to me. I can take it. That’s what I’m here for. ~Rebecca (Mom) to Kate

While we can heal attachment styles, it bears mentioning that they can be passed down through family. Again, this show portrayals the impact of family violence very well. Jack’s own father was very abusive to his mother. This impact of Intergenerational trauma could have become a legacy burden for Jack, a carried down belief that violence and abuse was acceptable. Instead, Jack does some deep inner work to not repeat the pattern.

I love a show where some of my favourite topics as a therapist are covered. Attachment Theory, healthy relationships, trauma, family, for instance. My whole family now looks out for these themes when we watch TV together. While This Is Us in one of the best portrayals of these themes, we don’t have to look far to see them: Stranger Things; Marvel movies for instance – the origin movie for the Black Widow for example; the movie and book The Lost Daughter; the latest Disney movie Encanto (a new favourite as a therapist!)

So the next time you are watching your favourite show, or a new one, think about what the character’s attachment style is. How might that play a role in how they behave in relationships?

Knowing what our history is with attachment, how our family of origin modelled connection and commitment are key hints to what our current relationships are. They set the foundation for our attachment style and ability to hold right relationship wth others in the present and future.

These past two years have really put us through a lot. Our mental health has been impacted, our bodies (whether we got sick or not), and our relationships with others. I know a lot of us have regressed in how we socialize and our connections have suffered. This can impact our attachment stye. Sometimes, our attachment style starts off insecure, and can heal; other times we start off with secure attachment and then have an unhealthy relationship: This shows that our attachment style can change, or be different depending on who we are in relationship with. So, if you are left wondering about how to repair some of your own attachment wounds, don’t’ worry – they can be repaired. I’ll be sharing some ways to do that just that in next article.