Tag Archives: self-compassion

The Paradox of More or Less: It’s Time to Let Hustle Culture Die

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Recently, the American Surgeon General shared 2 different research findings that really got my attention. I might be Canadian, but i know our neighbours are not alone in this reality. The most recent one was about parental stress, and last year, research showed that the amount of people experiencing loneliness has reached epidemic proportions.

It’s hard to not notice how both of these very separate results can actually be linked.

I’m going to add a third reality: Internalized toxic productivity that is linked to patriarchy and capitalism. Many women today are their Father’s Daughter, a term coined by Marian Woodman. Not sure what this means? It’s when we internalize the belief that work defines your worth. We internalize the belief also that women are weak, and so we didn’t want to become our mothers. This is the ultimate lie that patriarchy wants us to believe. And guess what? There’s a name for that too: Patriarchy Stress Disorder.

I know i had subconsciously internalized this for years. Throughout my teens and twenties, i moved away from home because i held a belief that staying home meant i would catch the disease of domesticity and become a subservient woman. And then, luckily, in my thirties, i met my shadow and confronted that falsehood.

We need to evolve past the masculine-identified hyper independence of the Artemis archetype to instead embrace the knowing of Aphrodite – our pleasure is our birthright. They may be both maiden goddesses, and yet when we can catch this earlier in life, our spiral path will be greatly altered.

We need to attach our body back to our mind. We are not in fact, walking brains. We are a full human whose soul’s code has already pre-determined our life. Patriarchy and capitalism just wants us to forget this, so that we continue following a groundhog daily grind of life.

We need to trust that we are not a personal development project that always need to be worked on. We don’t need to go on that $2000 retreat to experience an awakening. Coming back to the landscape of our own body and soul’s calling can be the wake-up call. There is nothing to integrate or process.

“Where is your ecological niche? Where is the sore spot in your landscape that needs the shape of your body? The press of your tender foot? Where can you place yourself like an acupuncture needle in the mountain, the clear-cut forest, the web of relations that you, yourself, are woven from? Place me where i can melt into medicine. Place me on the tongue of the women who needs my taste.” Sophie Strand

As Sophie Strand so eloquently puts it, we need to look at our own bodies and reclaim it as a ‘ecodelic.’ It is not about all the supplements to take or the self-care practices to perform. Rather, what about placing your body somewhere on earth, in nature, and be present with your own self. We are our own medicine

We already have what we need.

Lisa Feldman Barrett has a great analogy on how to take care of our energy tanks. She uses the concept of listening to our own body’s message (called interoception) to help us attune to our body’s energy level. She calls this practice a Body Budget, a way to put a deposit in my body. This is a great reference to help us listen more actively to what our body is trying to tell us – remember it carries wisdom after all. We have learned to override this knowledge , at the expense (pun unintended) of fitting into capitalist culture.

This is a way to have a mind-body connection to allostasis, and to track our expenses (energy out) with our assets (ways to care for body) so that we have enough in the bank.

I know it’s a bit of a masculine way of tending to our energy levels, this talking like we are money. I see it as reclaiming our abundance, worth, and creating balance. I appreciate that there is a place for healthy masculine energy, and this is where being organized, tracking our energy, and using our cognitive strengths is helpful. Consider how you might put a deposit for your body.

Here are some of my deposits.

1) Take Time Alone
In her soul nourishing book, Gift from the Sea, Anne Morrow Lindburgh shares that “every person, especially every woman, should be alone sometime during the year, some part of each week and each day. How revolutionary this sounds, and how impossible of attainment. To many women such a program seems quite out of reach.”

“Woman need to be alone, to have solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves.” Here she continues to highlight that the stilling of the SOUL is what matters, not just the activities of the mind or body. It’s not enough to not do things and merely be, what is transformative is the nourishment the soul receives by this stillness.

Lindburgh wrote this book in the 1950s. This truth is no less necessary now.

Another important book that was transformative for me was Rest is Resistence by Tricia Hersey. In it, she encourages us to take time to pause, to dream and rest. This is on its own important. And yet, we underestimate its worth: This time of rest becomes a reset and allows for casting a vision of growth and new dreams, a way to evolve and not remain stuck. Sometimes the boundary we need to set is to say no to more (paid) work that becomes priroitized over the delicious dream seed planted like creative projects that align with your future.

How might you take time for yourself – to dream, to rest, to create, to be?

2) Embody your Experience
We need to recognize those early cues of being tired and fatigue. So many of us override these body messages.

There has been a lot of talk about ’embodiment.’ But what does it really mean? I love how Niva Piran put together these 5 principles, from her own work with body image and eating disorders. If you want to read further about them, here is a great article that unpacks them a bit more.

5 Principles of Experiencing Embodiment:
*Body Subjectivity and Resisting Objectification
*Attuned Self-Care
*Experience and Expression of Desire
*Bodily Agency and Functionality
*Body Comfort and Connection

“What are our bodies are saying about who we are and what we need changes hour to hour, day to day, season to season, life stage to life stage. Self-care is most empowering and effective when it matches our actual needs.” Dr. Hillary McBride

3) Get Lost in a Story
I had a realization recently about why I love reading so much: it is the antidote to my work. As a therapist, I’m also in the origin story or beginning chapters of someone’s life. It’s rare for me to get to the end of their story. It is also such a gift when I do. And, it is ultimately the time in solitude i get – even when escaping into the narrative of the characters or surrounded by people beside me as i read.

When i go on vacation, i read stories with a beginning, middle and end and my friend (who is an editor) shared that she needs quite the opposite – to not read or absorb any narratives. Both of us are practicing self-care, but in our own unique way. That’s why self-care can’t be prescribed. It needs to be embodied and a direct mirror to the need within us.

Books and narratives give me that balance. And that is what self-care and stress management is meant to do – give us balance. Athletes rest their bodies – I get to indulge in a full story, complete with an epilogue!

4) Practice Ritual
Earlier this year, i pulled the Empress card at a Tarot reading. She is the embodiment of rest and self-care. I have also been in communion with the goddess Aphrodite, who symbolizes pleasure and self-love. When i honour rituals that hold these reminders, i remember all over again that we are meant to love ourselves, and to receive care as much as give it to others.

One powerful way to do this is with ritual. Rituals help the soul catch up and integrate through the body the work or info we receive to master our inner knowing, to be closer to divine spirit and full being. It can be as simple as a sacred morning practice, or a ritual bath, or maybe a Sunday afternoon cup of tea and journal session.

Self-care has a role, but is not the answer. The degree it can help you is in the proportion to how much the need is to alleviate the hurt being done. Burnout comes from a push for perfectionism, toxic productivity and poor boundaries. Self-care that is prescriptive doesn’t heal the deeper wounds. This is why ritual is more than just a routine, but rather an attuned and intentional practice that calls for our presence.

We need to listen to the soft cries of our body when it knows we are running on empty.

5) Be in Relationship with Nature
I heard of a concept years ago that has stayed with me since. It goes something like this: Make sure you spend time with nature every day, give or take 20 minutes. When you are stressed or busy, make sure you spend at least an hour outside. I may not have the numbers right, but the point is to ensure you are in relationship with nature EVEN LONGER when life feels full and busy to no end. This is not to add more burden on you (even if it does). Rather, it’s to resource you and help you come back to your body, your breath, and your here and now experience.

We need to choose presence over productivity.

Not only does not help us regulate, by in fact co-regulating with us. It also reminds us that nature is moving forward in a spiral. It is not linear but it is inevitable. Winter still comes and the dark growth in soil happens regardless. Spring flowers still bloom again.

We are nature.

6) Find your Community
Let us embrace the great wisdom of mirror neurons. They show us that we are not only social creatures but also feel inspired and motivated by each other. When we start to practice life in a more sustainable, loving, and kind way, others will also mirror this back.

“The secret to avoiding burnout? Surround yourself with people who aren’t frightened, confused or threatened by your big dreams. Life is too short to talk about the weather, what sport we watched the night before and how work sucks. Have bigger, dreamier more expansive conversations that light you up. That bring out the child-like excitement and curiousity. I honestly think that’s one of the big secrets to avoiding burnout.” Erin Bowe

Let us be in right relationship with others, and embrace the soft strength of connection and attunement. When we add competition to the soup of productivity, it should surprise no one that we end up never satisfied.

7) Let Hustle Culture Die
It’s time to let hustle culture die away as a forgotten misstep. As we enter the dark months of this year, let us remember that this is the year of Soft Strength. As we start to turn towards the next year, what do you want to let die? What internlized hustle or work ethic has run its course?

If you need any more inspiration, let me be the first to tell you that next year is held by The Hermit in Tarot – the 9th card in the major arcana story urges us to become hermits, to turn inward and rest, to find our inner caves and just let the work fall away.

“But this hustle culture mindset fosters unhealthy perfectionism, overcommitting, insecurity, self-neglect, and isolation. Even our proudest achievements cease to have any meaning for us; they’re simply a row of checkmarks on a never-ending list, a line of stepping stones toward a destination we will never reach.” These reflections come from Israa Nasir, who wrote a new book called Toxic Productivity. She goes on to share that the antidote is not to be unproductive at all. Rather, it’s about ensuring that our goals are balanced and includes our personal growth instead of competing with others. The work becomes sustainable and has scaffolding that ensures we don’t forget our own values nor burn out.

8) Be Aligned with your Values
It’s time to reframe away from the story that our value is connected to production and more more more. We don’t in fact have to see more clients to be good at what we do. We don’t have to volunteer in any place, let alone 3 different charities that don’t appreciate our free labour. We don’t have to read all the books and work on social media (again for free) just to have a big following.

Our personal value has become measured not by what we’ve produced already, but by how today’s production can help us produce tomorrow. That keeps us doing doing doing, at our own expense (there’s that word sneaking in again). We are also judging our success by how tired we are – the more exhausted has become the goal.

Come back to what you value. What is it that lights your inner spark. It’s absolutely good to want to volunteer and be an active member of your community. What is also important is that you are not running yourself on empty to do so. What is your soul’s code and service to the world is important, and so is how you live your life. Does it include pleasure and rest, time for yourself and your loved ones?

9) Reframe How you Talk to Yourself
A pesky inner voice (my Bank Manager Part) urges me to hustle. “But as some of us reach adulthood, these lofty goals tend to boil down to a single, urgent imperative: in order to have value, we have to produce more value. Israa Nasir

When i take time to notice that is not only NOT my voice, it is a voice that forgets that my worth is inherent because i exist and rest is not just resistance but also a paramount need.

I already knew i was in mid-life, and now i know that i’m even closer to a more formal marker of it. I’ve reached my Fuck It Era – and it’s quite close friends with The Hermit.

“When a woman stops doing, she must learn how to simply be. Being is not a luxury; it is a discipline. The heroine must listen carefully to her true inner voice that means silencing other voices.” Maureen Murdock

Seeing Ourselves on TV: A Trauma Therapist’s Guide to Good TV Shows as Healing Medicine

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As a trauma therapist who specializes in helping heal unhealthy relationship dynamics and recognize relationship red flags, i am always rooting for love. Displays of healthy love are inspiration for us all. This is especially important to model for younger generations who have grown up with social media at their fingertips.

Like many of us, I have been watching the evolution of Taylor Swift. It’s hard not to – whenever i hop onto social media, there is a video clip of her dancing, or singing, or living life in general. Full disclosure: i am a mom of a Swiftie so i’m sure my algorithms are definitely rigged.

Having said that, i have such deep empathy for anyone in the public eye. She is just a human trying to live her life, and yet she is under the lens of the world as she does so.

It made me reflect on ways we view social media, pop culture, and also TV shows in general as fodder for life lessons.

We already know the role TV has on getting rest and self-care. Historically, it was an option for slowing down and being with family and friends. There has been recent research that connects social media scrolling and dopamine levels. And yet, i worry about the misuse of it these days. I do think it’s worth noting how TV shows or social media impacts you – does it give you rest or does it activate you? Does it make you feel seen and foster mirror neurons or is it triggering?

This requires a critical lens, and if that is hard, a self-reflective practice at least. As a modern therapist, i am not against pop culture. I am also not against resting my body and brain while watching a good show. Like all coping strategies, we need to know how it serves us and how to do it in moderation so the resource doesn’t become maladaptive, or a crutch. It is important to me to help clients find resources that they can use in their everyday life. This is one of the benefits of technology – we can stream old TV favourites, so we don’t have to just scroll endlessly – we can have some agency and intention with this.

For instance, a resource i offer to folks who are struggling with feelings of shame or aloneness is to watch a show on TV that reflects what they are going through. In fact, here are some old journal articles i wrote about some specific shows i found fascinating. The fact that a writer created the story that was then filmed and shared for all to see is very empowering and validating. We are not as alone as we think we are. Thanks to Brene Brown, we also know that shame lives in isolation. A way to reframe this mindset is to seek Common Humanity – this is a term that comes from Kristen Neff and her work around self-compassion.

Let’s use Taylor’s current love life as an example: she is seemingly falling in love with a football player with the eyes of the world viewing it like a rom-com. No pressure, Taylor but you are a model of what love looks like, whether it is good, bad or ugly.

I’m watching Taylor and Travis fall in love and i’m hopeful about the example they are setting. Supporting each other’s careers? Check. Being happy to witness each other in their success? Being seen in your commitment to each other? Check. Being comfortable in your own self-worth when you are dating a BILLIONAIRE? Check. Being kind to friends and family of your beloved? Check.

I mention these observations to my kid, who is a Taylor Swift student. Having these conversations are necessary, as it ensures for me that my kids can look for this in their own life. I am a feminist mom and therapist, so i make a point to teach both my kids about life, love and self-worth. And sometimes, TV and movies are a great ice breaker or tool to help facilitate these conversations.

This brings me to the shows i’m watching with my kids: Gilmore Girls and Heartstopper.

I didn’t really watch Gilmore Girls when it first came out – i was a bit too ‘old’ for it and yet i absolutely know its story. I watch it now with my 11-year old; we debate about the boyfriends, we discuss the mother-daughter relationship, and i get to use the grandmother-mother storyline to help unpack my own messy relationship with my mom. Shows like this can be a good catalyst to discuss more real and relevant stories in our own life. In fact, i remember being taught to do something like this when my kids were wee and needed a story outside of our personal one, to get some perspective and insight. I would role play with peg dolls as a way to address big feelings. I guess this is the older kid version, using fictional stories to help make a point land in a less direct way.

As Gilmore Girls is a bit dated now, to say the least, i’m so grateful that Alice Osman’s graphic novel series Heartstopper was turned into a TV series. This is just what my big kid needed, to feel seen for who they are and what that they grapple with – gender identity, relationships, and life in general. We all cheer on Charlie and Nick, and my kid knows that we support them too because we watch the show together and unpack its key themes.

If it isn’t obvious yet, I am a fan of TV, whether it is for a good laugh, or to feel less alone in things, and also sometimes to show my people what i do as a living – being a therapist is inherently a very secretive business, isn’t it?

For instance, here’s a show that i didn’t know was good until just last year: Virgin River. This show gets so much right. It centres the stories of women’s health, family violence, sexual assault, reproductive health, intergenerational trauma, and relationships. Clearly i’m biased but this show covers stories and themes we all need to learn more about. This past season alone checked a lot of my own boxes and i was so grateful that popular shows are addressing these topics.

I also have been devouring the show Outlander. I’m not quite done, and have to take breaks from it at times. But it covers so much ground and i think it does some justice to history, without adding too many revisions. Of course a big draw is the period clothing, the fact that a woman is a doctor in the 1960s AND 1700s, and yes the sex scenes. One area that is significant for me is how they address various trauma storylines. One recent episode that was quite triggering and painful to watch was when Claire (the main character) experiences a gruesome attack. I won’t go into details about the incident itself here, because what i found more profound and thus worth mentioning is her resilience to do what she can to lessen (or titrate) the impact on her. She escaped in her mind in ways that her body could not – she envisioned her family happy, safe, and together in a place that was far away from what was happening to her in the present. In Narrative Therapy, we call this an Act of Resistance – a seemingly small act that has such a powerful way of escaping from the pain she was enduring. This is not merely a distraction but a key tool that people can use during extreme acts of abuse. In Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, we use a similar resource where we bring in our sensations and 5 senses to recall a ‘happy place’ with an embodied dual awareness.

Some shows are heavy and need to be. They share what the impact of trauma may look like. Remember i shared above that a pillar of Self-compassion is community humanity, which is necessary to help us not feel as alone in our experience as we think we are. Having a shared experience gives us clarity, reassurance, and medicine for any shame we may be carrying if we think something only happened to us. A show that does this well is I Might Destroy You. The single-season show centres around a Black woman and the sexual assaults she experiences. She has to grapple with the aftermath in many intersecting ways. She doesn’t do it alone and is messy and real, and the show does a great job in reflecting what real-life sexual trauma survivors experience.

On a lighter tone and still about sexual health is Sex Education. It is TV gold. I mean, come on – this is good TV through and through. I don’t want to give any spoilers so what i can say here is that they clearly have folks on the writing staff who know what they are talking about. They did their research. They cover such key topics like what enthusiastic consent is, postpartum Mood disorders, trans youth experiences, a diverse continuum of sexual identities, and also how awkward it is to talk about what you need and like. And it highlights how imperative it is to learn how to talk about sex. And this is just from the final season, so don’t take my word for it – watch it!

Speaking of sex, i am a fan of Sex and the City. I’m not ashamed to admit it, as Carrie Bradshaw is a bit of my muse. So of course, i wanted to enjoy the latest iteration …And Just Like That. While it didn’t ‘quite’ cut it, i can relate to Charlotte’s experience of menopause and not having my full cycle appear for months. In the recent season, they made a point to also give Charlotte a monologue about mental load. I love this scene so much. So a show that brings in storylines about being a working mother and menopause is still a win for me.

So, just in time for our cave-like cocooning season of Winter where i live, this is my list of some TV shows that you may want to save on your watch lists. What would you add?

No don’t get me started on Workin’ Mom’s and the character Anne, who’s a therapist…. Another article that i keep writing in my head is how therapists are displayed on TV and in movies, and how they don’t always portray is in the best light. Have you seen Ted Lasso? The actual therapist is a gem and i don’t want to spoiler any storylines.. but come on, we need to want people to WANT TO come and be vulnerable and held, don’t we?

The Connection of Self-Compassion and Trauma Healing – Look for the Parallels

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I like finding patterns in things. I think i much prefer knitting a simple pattern to a complicated puzzle. I like collecting the same shells at a time, and all my flowers need to planted just so. I need patterns – the consistency, the ease, and the fulfilled expectation. I don’t think it’s because i need order, or that it’s a trauma response. I think it’s more that my body finds pleasure and peace in it.

So i couldn’t help but notice the pattern at play around the 3 Pillars of Self-Compassion that are mirrored with the 3 main stages of trauma healing work. Am i grabbing at straws? Maybe. But it still works. Let me explain:

Judith Herman introduced us to the phased model for trauma resolution work in her book Trauma and Recovery. The number of stages (usually between 3-5) vary based on the therapy modality and therapist. The three stages in a very basic summary are 1) Stabilization and Establishing a sense of Safety; 2) Reprocessing the Trauma and 3) Integration and Reconnection.

“Transformation doesn’t happen in a linear way, at least not one we can always track. It happens in cycles, convergences, explosions. If we release the framework of failure, we can realize that we are in iterative cycles, and we can keep asking ourselves — how do I learn from this?” adreinne maree brown

The stages are less steps in a linear order and more a dance of back and forth pattern to see what is needed and repeat. When we build our capacity, and don’t feel dysregulated by new events, we have healed old trauma. This is what self-regulation and knowing your window of tolerance or capacity is.

The healing journey as similar to climbing a mountain. It’s not that different from the hero’s journey concept from Joseph Campbell. It takes time, perseverance, and effort. It also takes a commitment to keep going, even when also needing to pause and rest, so that we feel resourced so that we can keep going. The heroic part is not experiencing and surviving the trauma itself, but rather going back in time and healing it, so that we come out of the experience having integrated all our parts.

Staci Haines shares that we know we are healed after trauma when we have a felt sense of safety, belonging and dignity. This is also very similar to accomplishing a hero’s journey.

The book Journey Through Trauma shares a more in-depth 5-phase cycle of healing repeated trauma. It’s by Gretchen Schmelzer and it’s one of my favourite books on this topic. It looks to stabilization and preparation first in a trauma-informed way to help people build their resources. This is an act of kindness.

Self-Kindness is Stage One: Stabilization
Stage One of trauma therapy is about learning new resources to help stabilize you before you embark on the inner and deeper work. It’s what is necessary to establish trust in our body and from our various parts. This kindness equals safety and stability because we learn emotion regulation resources that help us get to safety. We also learn more about the body and how to attune to its response. This is the time we build awareness about what resources work for us.

This might sound more akin to mindfulness – but in order to do something mindfully, we need first to understand what works for us. We also need to treat our SELF like a friend, to give our self-compassion. So, the first step is to know what are some kind acts of self-compassion.

We need to figure out what you want moving forward because this builds capacity for safety and agency. It is about going beyond meeting our foundational basic needs to decrease stress in body (sleep, nutrition, safe home, financial security) to build capacity. Ultimately, this helps us learn how to manage a bigger range of emotions.

This relates to stage one of healing because it is the preparation stage is entirely about attending to safety – building necessary skills and collecting resources both external and internal ones. It’s also about establishing meaningful activities to help balance the work of healing with the experience of joy.

Establishing trust is one of the first tasks of trauma therapy, both internally and also with someone else. If the trauma we are healing from is relational, a breech in connection and attachment needs to be repaired. Unless it does, it continues to get in the way of a felt sense of safety as it relates to connection.

Mindfulness and Reprocessing
This stage needs to be embodied to be transformed. We need to grieve what happened and also what didn’t get to happen because the trauma experience got in the way. We can’t think our way through it, only feel. The story of trauma doesn’t get stored just in our brain and memory processing centre, but also our body. It’s in our bones, our fascia, and hormones. The body has built-in systems to help us feel more present and scan for joy, not just threat. The Reticular Activating System is a set of neurons in the brain, used to bring on a glimmer moment. It helps to intentionally look for something good or soothing. This system is responsible for our wakefulness, our ability to focus, our fight-flight response, and how we ultimately perceive the world.

Mindfulness is recognizing what i need in a given moment and acting upon it. It is about listening to myself (interoception) and trusting it. It is about healing the parts that felt ignored and minimized for so long. You know the ones, they might say “i don’t want to go out tonight because it’s too much for me” or “I think i need to ask for a friend to come home with me to help me feel safe after the bar.”

The impact of trauma varies, and one way to assess the impact is to think of the ABC of trauma – the affect, behaviour, and cognition attached to it). Some common emotional responses are shame, sadness, fear, hopelessness and grief. We then may withdraw or avoid others and life generally, isolate ourselves or self-harm. We carry limited beliefs about ourself and have a negative view of possible healing. Mindfulness helps us start to notice what are our own ABCs and how they have become our preferred story, even whilst limiting us.

This middle stage is about helping folks start to track their symptoms and have a more mindful attunement and understanding of why they’re nervous system does what it does. These resources and examples expand our Window of Tolerance and help us remember and grieve, as well as piece the together story. This is key as it this means going back and re-authoring a hard story; speak them outloud in a safe new environment, and can be just a part of the story; we heal the part that may be stuck or stored. In THIS artcile, Staci Haine shares some helpful strategies to do just this. She offers individual practices to help build an embodied sense of resilience as well as more community-based ways to stay connected. Both are key and necessary to help heal trauma.

“Clients experience grief after every therapeutic gain. Grief is the Bridge between past, present and future.”~Onno van der Hart

Integration and Common Humanity
The last stage is about helping folks integrate all their parts into one as opposed to having a fragmented parts. It’s both a common humanity of an internal family system as well as being able to re-emerge after trauma and being part of community in right relationship. Group work is really great here as is volunteering as it highlights that stage of post traumatic growth.

Common Humanity is starting to come out of our trauma cave to see our full self, and being able to see other’s stories as similar. It is also a great complement to the stage of post-traumatic growth. Some examples of it are narrative justice writing groups, taking self-defense or wen-do classes, building new relationships. We have a new self-identity and integrated the trauma part into it. The trauma experience happened TO you so doesn’t get to define you. Who are you after trauma matters. This is where we create new healthy relationships and have more access to dreams and capacity

Reconnection and future possible templates with hope and joy, safety and connection happen in this stage. That’s why i wish clients stayed the course until this phase. Many clients stop after stage 2 because they feel better generally. It’s not unlike we we stop taking the prescribed medication prematurely.

One of the goals of trauma resolution work and integration is to change our affect. Looking for joy and being present is a way to move past trauma and find new life in our journey now. We need to bring in a sense of hope and resilience, as well as less fear. As social creatures, we seek support and thrive with connection. When we have a more attuned self-concept, we can shift from a negative self-image and see our worth more fully; we move from a limiting belief like “it was my fault” to “I am okay and what happened to me is not my doing.”

We are more than the trauma that happens to us.

We are the heroine in our own story.

Of course, as humans in a messy and imperfect world, we will still experience new trauma. So the work is to make sure we have resources that work so we can tend to our woundedness.

Let me take it a step further and also notice the connection between 3 types of self – physical, emotional and spiritual and how they tie in to mind body soul, or even the triple goddess. Or maybe i should wait for another post…but you see the parallels here too, right?

A Year of Grace and Grief

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I had no idea at the start of the year just how much the word Grace was going to be the perfect word to hold me. Funny how that happens – the words i choose in December of the last year seem to be quite the serendipitous fit. This year was not exception. In fact, this year, i was even more aware and intentional of my word and its 4 guideposts.

Sitting here on my bed, i would like to pretend i’m excited to reflect on the year that was. But, to be honest, it’s hard to pretend that anything really special or big happened. Except that my mom died. That seems to be the only thing that happened. Recalling the year that was brings a big void to my heart and mind. I barely want to scroll through my hundreds of photos as there are a few i barely can glance over.

And yet, something that i’ve learned over these last few years is that closing a chapter needs to be done mindfully. Saying goodbye to a year also means finding the glimmers and gold moments. They are hiding there, and having gratitude is necessary to both learn from our experience and to embody the felt sense of having had it in the first place. This is where resilience and wisdom live.

So, this birthday weekend, i am pushing myself to honour this year in review journal. I hold rituals and traditions in high regard. This year is no exception.

Mind
I took a year-long program to enable me to really concentrate my therapy practice from a somatic lens. I am so happy to report that i have now completed it! Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Level 2 is a 120-hour deep dive in how somatic healing helps integrate trauma for developmental themes. This was a big part of my professional learning this year. I also took courses in Internal Family Systems and sex therapy for EFT therapists. Both really complement my training with somatics and the work i do.

Besides the ‘official’ training i took, i am a constant learner. I read close to 50 books – that’s 1 a week, wow! It was a mix of fiction for fun, work books, and non-fiction for my own personal growth. Here are some of my favourites:
* Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself by Lisa Marchiano
* The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller
* Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home by Toko-Pa Turner
* The Inheritance of Orquidea Divina by Zoraida Cordova
* Daughters of the Deer by Danielle Daniel
* Journey through Trauma: A Trail Guide through the 5-Phase Cycle of Repeated Trauma by Gretchen Smeltzer

Another thing i did was finally take a beginner’s pottery class. It was a lesson of grace: i was humbled by the process and my beginner’s mind. I took it as a gift to myself, to play with creating something from nothing. I don’t plan on making this into a work venture, but rather to hold in reverence the creative part of who i am.

I finally met a mentor in real life. How exciting! I got to attend an intimate gathering of celebrating Kimberly Ann Johnson’s book that she co-wrote with Stephen Jenkinson. My socially awkward fan-girl Part showed up with me – i was convinced she wouldn’t know who i was and i had a deep wish she would. Guess what – she did! Grace reminded me that it’s okay to show up anyways, and to do something that requires exquisite risk because the reward is worth it. Another thing i did was finally take a beginner’s pottery class. It was a lesson of grace: i was humbled by the process and my beginner’s mind. I took it as a gift to myself, to play with creating something from nothing. I don’t plan on making this into a work venture, but rather to hold in reverence the creative part of who i am.

I loved being able to be in this shared community, as another word for me this year was Community CONNECTION. Connection was another guiding post for grace. For instance, i decided to not wait anymore to start my first Group Supervision in my private practice. I have been hoping to offer it for months. The first meeting was magical. Working as a sole practice therapist definitely has its benefits. But as a social creature who values learning and sharing with others, i am so grateful that people signed up to share space – we are not meant to do this alone!

Body
I took a wonderful dance class called 5 Rhythms. It was lead by Layah Jane and i will definitely sign up again. She lead us through 5 very different feelings/rhythms of chaos, flow, staccato, lyrical and stillness. I loved moving by myself, intuitively responding to the music, and also other dancers’ energies. I missed this communal sensation, what is known as shared rhythm.

In the Summer, we went on our first family trip in two years. I took my family to our Florida home in the heat of July. I grew up spending summers there, and the Florida sun was just what we needed to reconnect, play and rest. We swam daily (more than once a day!), we kayaked in mangroves, we collected shells: We had an embodied experience of rest and AWE – just what the summer needs. It was a pleasure-filled trip.

I treated my family to tickets to shows and events that have not been possible before. Both because of Covid, but also because it caused too much financial strain in the past. This year, i realized i don’t want to wait anymore to live me life and a year-long study of grace is all about this. So we saw Cirque de Soleil, the Cursed Child broadway show, and just this past weekend, i saw Rupi Kaur perform her amazing poems on stage. All of these gifts, decadent treats were awe-filled, community-based and new experiences for me. Each captured that felt sense of wonder and awe for us, witnessing artists in their elements.

Soul
Fall means RITUAL for me. Again, i didn’t know just how fitting this word would be when i picked it last year. What changed was that the rituals were more for grief work and internal ways to hold my self.

This year was about trying new things, and getting myself back out in the world. I have gone to a few sound baths. A part of me was really drawn to them because i loved the idea of being in silence, without speaking, but just taking in the ethereal sounds of the instruments. I was able to stay present with them and go deeper.

I hosted my friends with some witchy crafts. We made spell jars and did a Cutting the Cord ceremony. We shared meals together and sat together in parks. This is soul medicine – spending time with people who see me for who i am, and help me feel like i belong no matter what is the same or different between us.

I also was so humbled to attend a Living Funeral with Brooke of Length of a Candle. I spoke a bit more of my experience HERE. It was a cathartic and deep experience for me, one that allowed me soul to be fed and also a practice of grace for me like no other. It was an exercise in giving my messy, vulnerable feelings grace to be present.

I was split open by grief this year. My mom died suddenly after a short battle with cancer. It followed a long line of other health ailments, and yet it still baffles me that she died. She wasn’t supposed to die this year. We were just starting to heal our relationship to a more full place, and the threat of Covid was lightening up so we were just starting to spend quality time together. I’m so glad she got to have one last meal at my place in April. I was able to host my parents, and show them that they matter to me.

Grace has guided me through my grief. It made me more gracious to folks who haven’t experienced a loss like this. I was disappointed to not be held and cared for as i needed to be. It gave me permission to let this feeling happen and then to ask for what i needed. This grace period then enabled me to be an active student of grief work, and even more grief literate. I share about my reflections HERE. It allowed me to be humble and curious in the process. It made me more gracious to myself, by allowing me to slow down and really tune into what i needed in any given moment. It guided me to see what was present as well as where i might need to turn for support. Most of all, grace is an active practise of self-love and compassion – it taught me that when i aligned my behaviour and action with what my capacity is, then i am not overriding my nervous system. Grace is graceful, loving, and soul nourishing. It is gracious, life-giving and soul work at its best.

It is also connected to repair work, for when i make mistakes. Because i made some; we all do. When i over-reacted to my kids’ or got angry at a mistake i made, or when no one checks in me. Grace is there, letting me know that we are all human, and therefore all trying our best. Sometimes that best is at my 100% most regulated. When i’m running on fumes or my bucket is empty, my best is from a 20% capacity level. That’s okay too. That is when popcorn for dinner is perfect, when going to bed at 9PM and the kitchen is a mess. Grace shows up and reminds me that tomorrow is going to be better.

Speaking of capacity levels and soul work, i have been re-reading the transformative book Women who Run With the Wolves this year. I pulled it out as an intentional way to hold my practice of grace and re-wilding journey. One excerpt from it has stayed with me:

“When a woman is too long gone from home, she is less and less ale to propel herself forward in life. Instead of pulling in the harness of her choice, she’s dangling from one. She is so cross-eyed with tiredness she trudges right on past the place fo help and comfort. The dead litter is comprised of ideas, chores, and demands that don’t work, have no life, and bring no life to her. Such a woman becomes pale yet contentious, more and more uncompromising, yet scattered. Her fuse burns shorter and shorter. Popular culture calls this “burnout” – but is more than that. It’s hambre del alma, the starving soul. Then, there is only one recourse, finally the woman nows has to – not might, maybe, sort of but must – return to home.”

Sitting here, on this final days of 2022, the word that holds me in my year-long dance with grace is EASE. I am giving myself permission to take the easy way, not to cop out but rather to not override what i have capacity for. To honour just what i need and to not get pulled into toxic productivity. This above quote, written at least 30 years ago, is a reminder that hustle culture, burn-out and externalizing our worthiness have been pulling at us for too long.

Let us take back our life, to live it with grace, love, awe and ease. This is the lesson my mom taught me, let this be her legacy.

My Body is My Home

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This past year and a half, our physical health and wellbeing have been at the forefront of our minds. While our bodies host our health, they have not been our focus for care. So many of us have either gained weight, found comfy pants or had to come to terms with a new way of moving their bodies. And yet it’s our bodies that have helped us get through this challenging time.

We have adapted, or day i say pivoted. We found new ways to accept our softness and be less critical of ourselves. And yet i wonder if it’s just for the short-term.

I have become aware of how my self-talk mirrors my relationship to my body. After years of wearing make-up daily, this past year has been a make-up free zone. My kids don’t see me getting ready to go to work anymore, because i’m not really going anywhere. I always associated make-up with leaving the house to be in the public realm. It’s a bit of my armour, or mask if you will allow this word. I don’t miss it at all even though it was a way of making me feel like I was doing something outside the home. Now it frees me up to do other things, mainly sleeping in later.

For me, this has been a reckoning, a reclamation of my worthiness as a woman without falling prey to the story of needing adjustments to become better. I needed this shift away from listening to cultural rhetoric about what makes a ‘good woman.’

As a child of the 70s and 80s, I can remember certain stories in pop culture that reinforced the idea that thinness is ideal. That as women, we needed to aspire to this unrealistic expectation, even when it was to our own detriment. I distinctly remember an ad that told us “you can’t pinch an inch.” To be honest, i remember the phrase and image but for the life of me I don’t even remember what the ad was for. But that saying definitely stayed. So, clearly the message mattered more than the product it was advertising.

Now as a therapist who supports women with their transitions – into motherhood, middle age, or after a traumatic relationship – i guide them to connect with their body. It may not be a main goal, but it comes up time and again. Healing and repairing our relationship with our body is a main part of stepping into these new roles and phases of our life. It is our body that joins us on this ride called life. We are used to ignoring it, not having vocabulary or awareness for it. This way of holding our body with resonance is a reclamation.

I would also argue that since we have been giving birth to babies since the beginning of time, maybe this act of resilience is really just embracing what our power is, and celebrating it as we should.

Any of us who has had newborns in our life knows that our body changes postpartum in drastic ways, and isn’t ours alone. Our baby needs us, and that includes our body, so their need usually becomes the priority in order to survive. We hold them for hours to help them sleep, our nipples become raw, we feel like we can’t pee for fear of waking a sleeping babe in our arms. That leads us to feeling touched out and disembodied.

I love the word matrescence, the transition we experience when we become mothers/parents. Similar to adolescence, it’s a messy and hormonal shift and a lot of newness comes with it. So instead of mourning the bodies we have lost, it may be more productive and empowering to love what we have, and what our new bodies are capable of.

As feminism is all about choice, being comfortable and confident in our skin is one way of protesting for sure.

It’s a way of reclaiming our bodies and reminding others that our bodies are powerful – to get pregnant and birth a HUMAN from. I have been loving my Instagram feed that shows many versions of postpartum bodies being celebrated as it gives us a chance to build on our Feminine power. And yet for some many recent generations, the postpartum body has been ignored or hidden, or made to feel ugly. It’s interesting that we are noticed and touched when pregnant, but when a birther has a baby in arms, the focus and attention is all on the baby. It’s like the new mom has become invisible again, back into the shadows.

We aren’t meant to bounce back! In fact, losing the baby weight so quickly puts pressure on us, keeps our bodies sexualized, centres male privilege and consumerism (“buy these products to bounce back to your pre-baby body, and fit your jeans again!”). And it can perpetuate the norm around maiden bodies versus being a goddess or matriarch. Also, this pressure has an incredible impact on postpartum mood, relationship with partners, and self-esteem.

I also think that it’s helpful to remember that my body is my own, and it is up to me to define it, no one else. I can feel like a goddess one day, and more like a maternal healer another. I can be both/and – not stay stuck in one identity only. Feminine power and pride of growing a baby inside us should allow us the right to celebrate our body postpartum – instead of being taught to pathologize it or feel shame when we need Pelvis PT or have stretch marks. I love hearing about other countries’ ways of supporting people who have birthed by making access to physiotherapy easier for instance. As a therapist, my work around birth trauma and body image is to help my clients focus on the scar not the wound, as it is also more healing and empowering. This too is an act of reclamation.

Jessie Harrold wrote the Project Body Love: My quest to love my body and the surprising truth i found instead. In it, she shares her personal journey in reclaiming her body after having children and generally as a woman. She shares her tiny experiments of getting to learn more about herself by centring her body. For instance, asking herself what is her purpose for her body. More than taking it for granted, what it does for her, and how she can nurture it in return. This is a very intentional way of coming back to Self, and holding your body at the centre of it.

This practice of establishing a healthy relationship with our bodies is a process, one that is both necessary and sacred. If this is something you are struggling with, now that you are not alone. Here are some tips that may help:

1) Somatic Practise: This is my body
Sit comfortably and either play some soothing music or light a candle for extra comfort. With one hand, touch a part of your body and say “this is my body. This is my neck. This is my heart.” Or try “I am home here. My body is my home.” Repeat after doing it for a few rounds and see how you may feel after. This practice of

2) Reward it: Self-love for parts
It can be hard to start feeling good or positive about a part of our body that gives us grief, or we struggle with. Instead, start with a part you may be neutral or even a bit proud of already. Give it love – get a new lotion and do a self-massage of your hands, or maybe get a pedicure for your feet and all the work they do for you. Treat yourself to a new scarf for those shoulders that hold so much for you!

3) Gratitude Practice: Love letter
Have you ever thanked your body for what it does for you? It might feel triggering to do so for it in its fullness. Instead, write a letter of appreciation to the part of you that helped you through a difficult day, or hard moment. Maybe you want to draw out the moment as a way to honour your Inner Child.

Coming Back Full Circle

Now that my children have grown up a bit, they are needing my body less and less. There is still time for cuddles, hand holding, and washing hair. And yet, their bodies are growing in front of my eyes. My son is now basically the same height as me and my daughter’s shoe size is the same as mine.

My daughter has been figuring out who she is this year. And while i’m bearing witness to it, i am also an active member on the sidelines. She recently got herself a pair of ripped jeans. I had to consciously check my reactions. A part of me was worried about the attention she would get, another part was concerned why she wanted the jeans. I don’t own any ripped jeans, so this reminded me that i am not her only model now. It makes me recall this report that the American Psychological Association put forth about the sexualization of girls.

It takes a commitment to model a healthier body awareness and appreciation. My nine-year-old is definitely starting to notice her body in relation to others and also how it’s changing. Both kids are on the cusp of puberty and I’m pretty excited, if not a bit worried, about the change that is yet to happen.

In her book Mothers, Daughters and Body Image, Hillary McBride shares ways to help our children have a better body image. She shares 5 key steps: 1) Co-View – Be present with media and 2) Get in between them and the media messages 3) Teach them media literacy 4) Notice how you compliment 5) Reflect on your own comments about your body. Make sure your partner also is aware. I appreciate these tips and would also suggest i do them for myself too. It helps to get a sense of what we say to ourselves about ourselves when in the presence of social media and pop culture. There is procedural learning from our own childhood and teen years that has shaped this.

“You were never meant to play small just to make other people comfortable, and it is possible to be loved and fully you at the same time” ~ Hillary McBride

Women in the Mirror

I think there is a movement in the public arena that celebrates all bodies as beautiful because they are real. I love the saying “perfectly imperfect in every way” as it allows space for authenticity and realistic expectations. That ideal we are reaching for, doesn’t even exist – and we now know that Instagram, Facebook, and commercials use massive filters to hide ‘flaws.’ So, we can do better than looking at what is prescribed as the perfect body (skinny, tall, white, able-bodied).

Social media images like these are normalizing and work to make other women feel less alone, less ashamed of their own “imperfect” postpartum bodies. It’s not a coincidence that these campaigns come at a time when there is more work being done to address vulnerability and courage, as well as self-compassion. Brene Brown speaks volumes about the healing power of being vulnerable as it allows space to grapple with our insecurities and push them aside. Kristin Neff speaks about self-compassion, and one of my favourite principles of her work is common humanity, which is noticing we are not alone in our struggle or feelings. So when we see others in magazines or on TV that have similar bodies and scars, we can feel validated and that is so healing. It’s hard to hear the inner critic in us when we also feel ourselves in others’ bodies.

I also think it is very important to see ourselves in the media as it can lessen the impact of postpartum mood disorders, low self-worth, or the impact it has on our relationships. We are not the only ones watching – our partners are, our families, are too. This mindset shift allows us to come to a place of acceptance, body positivity and self-love. This acceptance can be the shift we need to go out to the park in the summer, to go swimming with our children in the local pool, to be present in our lives as well as our children’s instead of internalizing the negative thoughts about our bodies.

One other wonderful resource is Sonya Renee Taylor’s book My Body is not an Apology. It unpacks the intersection of colonization, white supremacy and male privilege as it relates to our body image as a society. She has since come out with a workbook, Your Body is not an Apology and this is such a great gift for reclaiming a loving relationship with our body. There is something really invigorating about being able to see yourself in others (bodies, photos, campaigns) and it speaks to how important Intersectional Feminism is in regards to representation, and where media and consumer industry has been behind the times for so long.

Our body reminds us that this stage of new parenthood is hard work. That’s why i need to take care of me (and my body) in order to keep going. As i get to the other side of parenting, my children need me differently. My body is not as used, touched and pulled in different directions as much. And yet it is exhausted, and worn to the bone in other ways. That’s why we need to keep an active practice of care for our body.

Trauma survivors have a complicated relationship with their bodies. After experiencing violation and betrayal, their bodies carry the weight of the memory. Coming to a new place of awareness, acceptance or even awe is a reparative process. This includes anyone who either experienced abuse before becoming parents, as well as people who experienced birth trauma. When we are told over and over again that birth is a natural process, when things go wrong or our bodies don’t work as they ‘should,’ a lot of that gets internalized. When we have scars (internal or visible), we feel less than our peers who birthed differently, whether a home birth, vaginally, or without a need of surgery. An unfortunate competition and hierarchy puts us into clubs right from the time we birth our babies. We internalize this comparison and it keeps us stuck in a shame spiral. We deserve better than this.

I think that a new paradigm is possible: moving away from the view that holds negative views of women and being judged by our appearance, to one that is a positive depiction of our worth and strength. I also really love the focus on our transformation after having children/giving birth to children. Instead of focusing on the ugly, why can’t we celebrate this shift. This is an active self-love movement that is growing. It’s both an act of courage and a Fuck You to show yourself to the world, flaws and all. In a world that still lives with white privilege and ableism, isn’t it an act of courage and resistance to show off our real selves?

We can be both maternal and more. We are not just mothers, even when we are. The sacrifice isn’t in our bodies or the scars we got from giving birth, but rather how others keep us from accepting our new bodies. The sacrifice comes later when we are told to hide, or feel like we can’t enjoy our life in our new bodies. The sacrifice is when we are not supported to be more than mothers, and to live more meaningful, full lives. We end up sacrificing ourselves in order to take care of babies because we were left alone in caring for them. This reclamation can be a chance to build back a community of support.

Kiss your own fingertips
and hug your own curves.
You are made of waves and honey
And spicy peppers when it is necessary.
You are a goddess,
I hope you haven’t forgotten.
~ Emory Allen