Tag Archives: word of the year

A Bold Embrace of Change: Finding My Deepest Self

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It’s Christmas evening and i’m sitting in my dining room, with only candles and the light of my laptop giving me light. I felt called to use the quiet and peaceful moment as the gift it is. I don’t usually take this day to be reflective. Since my Christmas feels so different this yet, it seems like the perfect time to honour my word of the year – embrace – as i embrace this moment of quiet for myself.

I felt like i cheated a little with a word that i already enjoy and use. And yet, like every word each year, my word for 2024 pushed me to go deeper. To go to a full abandon, and to really embody what the word offers. I was able to unfold from a truth that was no longer serving me and fully embrace the version of me that was waiting patiently on the sidelines.

This year I chose to embrace my beliefs and values as well as my fears and imperfections. Doing that meant i met versions of me that have been hidden for so long and somehow I didn’t even know existed. Some i forgot existed all along.

Embrace
Encircle
Empower
Energy
Being
Breath
Bone
My body
My life, the journey
My imperfections
My inner circle
A beginner’s mind
Soft strength
Intuition
Futility
Conflict
Inner slut
Radical acceptance
Soft strength
My inner dragon, may i soften her fierceness
Vulnerability, because beyond it is the dream.

~ A Warm and Loving Embrace
vania sukola

When we embrace a rebirth, we are surrendering and courageous. This practice is also a deepening of a full acceptance of the cycle of life we are in. To embrace something is more than simply holding it; it is a practice of radical acceptance. This indeed is what helps us embody transformation.

Embracing my Body with Grace
I had a whole plan to build muscle and feel more strong in my arms: The whole obvious connection of ‘embrace’ felt literal. And also because in order to embrace the fact that i am in the perimenopausal stage of life, I learned more about what that entails and what i need to do. One thing that came up again and again in my research is i need to build muscle strength. I have little upper arm strength. I had a whole plan to use the ketel bells i asked for Christmas last year. I looked at them, i moved them, and i even looked up exercises to use. And i never used them. Not once.

Instead, i embraced my body and what she needed, not what i wanted for her, from a 25 year old Part. I embraced that my 48-year old body is going through perimenopause and needed movement that was soft and pleasurable. So i walked, i danced, i embraced the soft curves that have become the landscape of my womb space. I am also embracing that my body is more like my mother’s than i wanted to admit. I am embracing that this is her legacy. I am her legacy, in physical form.

I learned that i would rather live from a heart-centred place and still take care of my body. A sound bath or dancing makes my body feel embraced. I was taking care of myself by offering up kindness, generosity and the perfect gift that was made just for me.

“My arms grew tired
from constantly reaching
so I wrapped them around myself
and allowed them
to rest”
~ The Evolution of a Girl, by Lauren E. Bowman

I realized that the word embrace came perfectly after years of devotion to breath, grace and surrender. Embracing me is not the same as giving up. To embrace oneself as we are is a practice of gracious surrender.

My Voice and Confidence
I learned two huge things this year:
One: It’s okay that others don’t like what i say as long as it also doesn’t make me self-silence myself.

I learned that the heart Chakra lives in our body close to where we become enfolded in the embrace of someone’s arms. I love that visual – that in order to be embraced, our heart also is. And the solar plexus chakra is connected to one’s personal power and confidence. It is here that my body has been going through the most change this year. I have been journeying with my shadow, my anger, and the parts of me that have been quiet but impatiently waiting for me to notice them with love and compassion.

I have been working on ways to embrace my People Pleaser and Fawn response, as well as the young Parts of me that are afraid to speak up when i have something to say, or ask. This year, i sat with my Inner Circle (thank-you Parts work!) and gave them so much love. I also learned that i literally need to embrace my womb space and heart in order to quiet the nerves and stored trauma responses that live there.

I took a workshop on voice work and also was part of some beautiful community singing circles. In my own personal work, i was able to heal a young Part of me who hated public speaking and always got in the way now. I still have a long way to go, but it was embracing this young Part with compassion that helped me feel so much love for her, and ultimately she stepped back and let me find my own way with what i had to say.

And secondly, I had a reckoning this year, that related to my work domain. I have found a place for me as a therapist, both with the modalities that fully speak to me, and also the areas of support i want to offer others. This clarity was such a gift. And just for you to know, dear reader, i still am passionate about my work as a therapist. I have deepened into my commitment to help people with their rites of passage, especially matrescence and menopause. I also have come full circle in embracing my focus on somatic work as a trailhead in healing trauma.

“There is no such thing as true love without first embracing your true Self.” from Genevieve Delacroix, Bridgerton character

I had to change my mind, my plans, my path a few times this year. Not an easy thing to do especially when the change in plans affected others too. And yet, it was embracing that i don’t only have the right to change my mind but also to listen to that soft voice of truth that felt so honest and integral to my future self.

Soul Journey
As i enter my 50th year, i am excited to see what next year brings. Mainly because this past year has been such a pivotal year for me. It was a year of completion of my soul searching phase. Not that the journey is done, but more so that i have come through the transformation stage of wondering what my life was about, and what my soul’s code is for my time here.

“Embrace the unknown, for it is through facing our fears that we find the courage.” Emma Griffin

I had two goals that relate to my soul work. One was for my own personal practice to become more engrained in my life, and the other was to offer sacred circles and ceremonies in the community in a more aligned way.

I set out this goal for myself, based on a dream seed from a few years ago. It was to find community, and a felt sense of belonging with myself and for myself. The part that felt especially tender and also necessary was that i wanted a community with soul sisters.

I put a call out to friends to see if they were also interested in meeting monthly in a more intentional and soul-led way. I was pretty excited that their answer was a resounding yes. This has been such a gift, like a missing puzzle piece in my own life. From this experience, i learned that i am indeed embraced for who i am. I am both playful and also deeply feeling. I have learned to embrace how others see me: I am both cute and also fierce.

All of me is welcome in my own embrace.

I attended my first week-long retreat this year. It was more than a retreat actually, and not quite a training. It was a full embodied and transformative experience. I spent the week at Ghost Ranch, in New Mexico, where this photo of me was taken. I went to be with my teacher, Kimberly Ann Johnson, and 20 other soul tenders/jaguars/badass women. I made a vow to myself to be my full self, so that i could truly embrace the experience. Having never gone away like this before, i had to face many shadow parts. But i did it and i am forever changed by this time for myself.

The he first leg of the trip was anxiety-provoking. So many unknowns and first times. I felt the nerves, I cared for them, I listened with love and also gave them guidance. I still did the things that was hard because I knew I could do it. I didn’t bypass my feelings nor sensations. This is one way I embodied my soft strength.

I’m so excited to share that this year, i have put my bare-footed mark on the world with the ceremonies and circles i have lead. I started off the year with a beautiful mother blessing ceremony and finished the year having held circles to honour the change of seasons and how to help folks found their own path back to Self.

“Life is too short not be lived intensely, embraced wholeheartedly and without reservation, foregoing any hesitation or fear that may hold us back.” Suleika Jaouad

Surrounded in Surrender

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No word has been as illuminating for me as much as this year’s word of the year, Surrender. I had no idea how much of a gift it would be when i chose it. I harboured mixed feelings (and some negative connotation to it going in) that i knew it would be a revealing word. I was very hesitant to embark on this year-long lesson and am so grateful for it.

Alongside this year-long study of Surrender, was the Chariot, the 7th card in the Tarot deck. I love how they held the fort for me. This year was my year to surrender to the path not yet taken – the divine mysteries, and to let the path be there ahead of me.

I sat with how we use surrender in everyday language. Patriarchy has made it seem like a loss and so it typically holds a negative connotation: To surrender my passport or freedom like when people have to ‘surrender themselves’ to the authorities. I now see that something is beautiful because it has been surrendered, and the acceptance is what happens is what it is meant to be. This is the way of surrender.

One of the key takeaways is in the reframe of it – it is not giving up but rather letting go of something that isn’t supposed to happen. We must surrender what is not ours any longer. This allows us to let go of who or what you were and are no more.

I don’t think i have ever noticed how much the word shows up – in our written word, in conversation, in song. In fact, if you want an album to play alongside my article, just have a listen to Maggie Rogers latest album – Surrender. It has been my anthem this year. I got all nerdy and sat with the word in its root: “Sur ender” – does that mean under the surface? Or is it to render to do or make into being. It is to become into myself and accept or soften or sink in land. I like how these sensation-based words help me really embody what it feels like to surrender. Over and over again, i would see the word in print and it would make me pause and re-read it. I would hear it in song or conversation and i would linger in it, coming back to it in my head so i could mull it over. Whenever i told others what my word ways, i would also get a recognition and nodding of the head as a way of agreeing with its mysterious hold on us.

“Many of us find it difficult to access a state of rest, surrender, or letting go. It requires a deep sense of trust and safety that we will be met, held, supported. In a somatic sense, yielding is the state of surrendering our weight to gravity, and the relationship between our bodies and whatever we are in contact with (be it the earth or another being).” ~ Marika Henricks

“When we surrender control, we’re able to grasp what’s needed to do our job.” ~ Rachel Macy Stafford

“Feminine surrender means holding soul truth so tenderly in your heart and so deep in your womb. Knowing without a doubt it is meant for you and will manifest for you – in it’s own way and on it’s own time.” ~ Marissa Lawton

“Along with my full-bodied, ecstatic “YES” to this new life, there was also a terrified, shame-filled, embarrassed “no” all at the same time. Surrender often meets us in that way; we are standing at the edge of a new life, and the inner conflict is excruciating. Parts of us are simultaneously moving in opposite directions….If I could have surrendered, or even told the truth sooner, I would have. If I could have done it better, cleaner, slower, faster, or with less harm, I would have. I resisted the truth until the final hour. I couldn’t let go until I could. And I devastated us all because the person I was deceiving wasn’t my ex-husband, or my now ex-lover.. it was me I was lying to. (It’s usually me I’m lying to).” Madison Morigan

The first step in my year with surrender was to unpack the root of the word word. Now at the end of this year, here are me takeaways:

Surrender is Patient
The act of surrender is unique to each given moment. When we surrender in the reality of a here and now moment, we are intentionally present right here right now. This is a practice of Radical Acceptance – it is what it is. When we give ourselves this awareness, it allows us to become comfortable and feel a sense of ease.

I have been using my Wild and Sacred Feminine oracle deck all year. The card River shares that “each act of surrender, no matter how small, brings you into an inviting ease with the flow.” It connects us to the river: River ask you to take stock of your relationship to the laws of surrender. For some, it could be graceful, and for others, feels relentless, like a struggle. River shows you what it is like to follow the path without resistance. Whatever happens happens, hold onto your real work and what is most important and liberate everything else.”

This is who I am meant to be; a trust in this life force that is guiding us to surrender and be who we are supposed to be. It is truly spiritual, and not something that can be just thought of – it has to be experienced in the fullness of our mind body soul. I think that was my biggest lesson – surrender is a spiritual portal.

It was when i started to track how it lived in my body that i started to truly understand it. Giving up is a sinking feeling in my gut. Acceptance like this is a soft landing like a feather finding its way back to home.

Surrender is patience and a felt sense that lands softly in my body. It is not crashing or collapse.

Surrender is the Opposite of Control
In the article The Art of Surrender the author reflects that the opposite of surrender is control. She unpacks the need for control, and what are some key ways to release it. To start, we need to reframe the usual question of ‘why’ to ‘what’ – like what can i do instead of why does this happen to me? She offers a helpful morning breath meditation with at least 10 breaths when you feel out of control and also an acceptance of making peace your priority rather than perfection, or productivity. Finally, she reminds that it is ok to not know understand everything and to try to trust the process.

It is about ceasing the resistance i held onto because of the desire for control. So surrender is about accepting what is beyond my control and this practice gives me a felt sense of expansion – though I don’t always know which one lands in my body first. I think expansion and the deep sigh out (or relieve) is the sensation and surrender is the thought i hold with it. It is tether to a felt response in me as the receiver with wonder, awe and appreciation.

When i give up an unhealthy hold of control, i can allow things to be just as it is: To not force it, to not force the hand. When i did this, i practiced a new way to accept that things will come back around again.

Surrender is the seed of acceptance.

As it also accompanied a year of transition for me, i think it was all the more meaningful. In my discovery of it, it showed me that surrender is an embodied intention that is tethered to trust in myself.A trust in myself and who i was becoming. When we surrender into the acceptance of who we are becoming, it is a felt sense of understanding. The initiation feels more like an answer to the evolution of who we are becoming as opposed to simply giving up who we are no longer. There is space for trust that outweighs the fear. It is also tied to feminine energy – the idea of being okay to let go and be in flow is an essence of the feminine path, which is ultimately tethered to trust. Marissa Lawton shares that surrender is embodying a “bone-deep trust that what is truly meant for you is already yours if you can simply sit and hold the space for it to arrive.”

Surrender is Love
I began to see that surrender was not attached to fear or giving up, but rather the opposite – courage and love.

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other. With too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter. When people become fused—when two become one—connection can no longer happen. There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.” ~ Esther Perel

I learned a new word when i realized how loving surrender is – biophilia: to surrender to our innate instinct to love anything that lives. I felt this so strongly when i was in France this summer – meeting new butterfly friends, and eating fresh juicy figs right of the vine. I felt this way too whenever i was in water with my family – my love for them is boundless when we play in the water together. So, i surrendered my body up to the experience, a bit like a living sacrifice.

It was with this new-found awareness that i started to wholeheartedly connect more to my spiritual self, and tend to my soul this year. I realized i love this part of me, and it is what has been hidden for so long. I got in my own way before, and was afraid to love this part of me. Through this devotion, ritual and ceremony became a big part of my life. I realized how much the concept of Surrender coincided with this. When we move into a more seasonal and intention way of living, that is accepted the way of the cycle, or cyclical living. Our animal and plant kin remind us of this all the time – this is so liberating and a embodied felt sense of sovereignty.

Love is also tethered to forgiveness. So another practice of Surrender is to work towards forgiveness, of ourself or others. This releases the hold the pain has on us, without condoning the other’s act of harm. Forgiveness is the spiritual and psychological release the pain had a hold on us over. We are free from resentment as well as the power the other person had over us. Grief is connected to forgiveness, as much as it’s to surrender – i think one dance i have been learning is the shift from the grievances i have surrounding my mom’s death and trusting that i can surrender to the feeling of grief, as it’s a sign of my love for her – i don’t have to drown in my sorrow to do so.

Surrendering softy into my edges, landing in my body in its fullness, expanding into it all

The best gift i have given myself this year is to intentionally walk with Surrender – it has allowed me to truly surrender to the experience of my own life. It has been a reclamation – and a practice of standing firm in a practice that was vulnerable and yet transformative. I am a new person on this other side of my dance with surrender.

Surrendering into That Kind of Mom

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I want to be that mom. That mom that is always ready to have her kids’ gaggle of friends over on a whim or moment’s notice. That mom who has her kids and their friends come to her for support or guidance.

As my kids get older, i am starting to see just why i want to be that mom. It’s because i’m a therapist and am well versed in hard vulnerable conversations. The ones that need to happen and rarely don’t. It’s also because i so needed that in my own childhood. My mom couldn’t be that for me. She tried – she got the snacks ready, she hosted the sweetest birthday parties in my younger years. And yet, i couldn’t turn to her for the big stuff as i got older.

For one reason, it’s because she was faced with her own big stuff. I know this because she turned to ME for support and guidance, for solace and to grieve.

When my youngest kid’s friend recently had a period scare, i was that mom – that mom who was not only at the right place at the right time, but also that mom who they could come to in their embarrassing need for help.

And it was a few months later that i was told i made it to the Cool Mom Club. Did you know that was a thing? It’s not really. I made it up but i know that we all claim to not care about it. That we would rather be the kind or funny mom. I don’t want to be the (insert sport here) mom, or the chauffeur mom.

I do like the sound of the cool mom though.

It means i am someone who is safe to turn to for embarrassing stories, hushed secrets, for questions that are hard to ask but important to, and to feel less alone in this thing called life.

Recently, my cool mom status was put to a further test when i let my kids go on amusement park rides on New Year’s Eve. The test really came when i agreed to go ON a ride. You know the one, it’s where we go sideways and backwards really fast and lose all sense of gravity. My first mistake was thinking i was not only cool enough but young enough. My second mistake was picking the seat for pure colour (it was PURPLE) and not logistics like it spins more.

In the end, I did get off the ride when it was over. I also needed to take care of myself by sitting on the curb for quite a few moments to gather my bearings. It also meant that my family was able to care for me while i took one for the team. My daughter also was grateful to share the experience of this ride that took me by surprise in more ways than one.

“Always appear what you are, and you will not pass through existence without enjoying its genuine blessings, love and respect.” Mary Wollstonecraft

Now that my kids are not so little anymore, their pains and feelings are getting bigger. They are in fact very similar to ‘real life’ stuff like managing conflict with friends and peers, healing their own heartbreak, and figuring out who they are. Me eldest child is starting high school in the Fall, and is really thinking about who they are. My youngest kiddo is dealing with friend drama and is heartbroken with a recent full-blown conflict with people she thought were her best friends.

When i hold them in their pain at age 2 – and it’s about sharing their favourite toy – i can be there to hold them in the much bigger life lessons. I can’t stop the pain from happening but i can be there to hold them so they are less alone in the pain that has to metabolize and heal.

This is what i truly wanted and did not get as a child. I had a bully and mean girl drama in grade 6 that was very isolating and alone. I was alone in my suffering and i do not want that to be the experience for my own kids. My mom didn’t really know my friends as i got older, and my peer orientation became so separate from my life at home. I also have to track my own reactions so that i don’t transfer my scars unto my kiddos. What is mine is not theirs. Thank goddess for good books like THIS ONE that keep me on the right path.

I may not sing in key, but i also know a lot of the best and most current pop songs, even if they are sourced by Tiktok. By the way, while my status as a cool mom is valid, i am not that mom that will allow my 10-year old to be on Tiktok or have a phone. I’m still very much a cool AND feminist eyes-wide-open mom.

This recent experience also helped me anchor my word for the year, which is SURRENDER. I don’t see surrender as giving in but rather soften into trying something.
Surrender is not giving up. It is much more active than that. It is not passive, but rather permission giving. Surrender is sovereign. It is not giving my agency or power to someone else. Permission from within to myself.

It also means i do not have to do it alone. Surrender is a very intentional acceptance of softening, which allows for the gift of vulnerability of asking for help. It means reaching out at the same time as turning inward. So, it’s time for me to read the beautiful wisdom of Sil Reynolds’ book Mothering and Daughtering. She co-wrote it with her own daughter when she was a teen. I’m ready now to accept my new phase of motherhood is to teenagers – this is new terrain indeed. Just when i thought i knew what i was doing with school-age children, they are now blossoming into adolescence.

So, as all rites of passage remind me – this is the ebb and flow of life. It is the birth/death/rebirth cycle. Speaking of witch (ha ha!), this year, I plan to surrender to my witchy side, to the divine feminine in me, to the goddess. This is a part of me I have been keeping hidden and quiet. I’m ready to surrender to this calling. Surrender is spiritual and divine, it is acts of ritual and an all-in attitude of acceptance.

I’m also planning to offer something new in my work. So surrender is needed to take this next step, to stop resisting this dream. Stay tuned! Hint: I’m putting the final touches on a course for parenting after experiencing trauma!

Surrender is also needed to help guide me away from stuckness. It is about making peace with the messy parts of life. I hope it gives me space and new ways that are aligned with the me I have evolved into. Not the old me.

Each year, I find words that act as guideposts or lights for my main word. Besides the theme for each month, these words play a role in helping me make a decision. Some are seasonal and some are more regular visitors.

Let’s see how I will surrender myself into this.

A Year of Grace and Grief

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I had no idea at the start of the year just how much the word Grace was going to be the perfect word to hold me. Funny how that happens – the words i choose in December of the last year seem to be quite the serendipitous fit. This year was not exception. In fact, this year, i was even more aware and intentional of my word and its 4 guideposts.

Sitting here on my bed, i would like to pretend i’m excited to reflect on the year that was. But, to be honest, it’s hard to pretend that anything really special or big happened. Except that my mom died. That seems to be the only thing that happened. Recalling the year that was brings a big void to my heart and mind. I barely want to scroll through my hundreds of photos as there are a few i barely can glance over.

And yet, something that i’ve learned over these last few years is that closing a chapter needs to be done mindfully. Saying goodbye to a year also means finding the glimmers and gold moments. They are hiding there, and having gratitude is necessary to both learn from our experience and to embody the felt sense of having had it in the first place. This is where resilience and wisdom live.

So, this birthday weekend, i am pushing myself to honour this year in review journal. I hold rituals and traditions in high regard. This year is no exception.

Mind
I took a year-long program to enable me to really concentrate my therapy practice from a somatic lens. I am so happy to report that i have now completed it! Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Level 2 is a 120-hour deep dive in how somatic healing helps integrate trauma for developmental themes. This was a big part of my professional learning this year. I also took courses in Internal Family Systems and sex therapy for EFT therapists. Both really complement my training with somatics and the work i do.

Besides the ‘official’ training i took, i am a constant learner. I read close to 50 books – that’s 1 a week, wow! It was a mix of fiction for fun, work books, and non-fiction for my own personal growth. Here are some of my favourites:
* Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself by Lisa Marchiano
* The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller
* Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home by Toko-Pa Turner
* The Inheritance of Orquidea Divina by Zoraida Cordova
* Daughters of the Deer by Danielle Daniel
* Journey through Trauma: A Trail Guide through the 5-Phase Cycle of Repeated Trauma by Gretchen Smeltzer

Another thing i did was finally take a beginner’s pottery class. It was a lesson of grace: i was humbled by the process and my beginner’s mind. I took it as a gift to myself, to play with creating something from nothing. I don’t plan on making this into a work venture, but rather to hold in reverence the creative part of who i am.

I finally met a mentor in real life. How exciting! I got to attend an intimate gathering of celebrating Kimberly Ann Johnson’s book that she co-wrote with Stephen Jenkinson. My socially awkward fan-girl Part showed up with me – i was convinced she wouldn’t know who i was and i had a deep wish she would. Guess what – she did! Grace reminded me that it’s okay to show up anyways, and to do something that requires exquisite risk because the reward is worth it. Another thing i did was finally take a beginner’s pottery class. It was a lesson of grace: i was humbled by the process and my beginner’s mind. I took it as a gift to myself, to play with creating something from nothing. I don’t plan on making this into a work venture, but rather to hold in reverence the creative part of who i am.

I loved being able to be in this shared community, as another word for me this year was Community CONNECTION. Connection was another guiding post for grace. For instance, i decided to not wait anymore to start my first Group Supervision in my private practice. I have been hoping to offer it for months. The first meeting was magical. Working as a sole practice therapist definitely has its benefits. But as a social creature who values learning and sharing with others, i am so grateful that people signed up to share space – we are not meant to do this alone!

Body
I took a wonderful dance class called 5 Rhythms. It was lead by Layah Jane and i will definitely sign up again. She lead us through 5 very different feelings/rhythms of chaos, flow, staccato, lyrical and stillness. I loved moving by myself, intuitively responding to the music, and also other dancers’ energies. I missed this communal sensation, what is known as shared rhythm.

In the Summer, we went on our first family trip in two years. I took my family to our Florida home in the heat of July. I grew up spending summers there, and the Florida sun was just what we needed to reconnect, play and rest. We swam daily (more than once a day!), we kayaked in mangroves, we collected shells: We had an embodied experience of rest and AWE – just what the summer needs. It was a pleasure-filled trip.

I treated my family to tickets to shows and events that have not been possible before. Both because of Covid, but also because it caused too much financial strain in the past. This year, i realized i don’t want to wait anymore to live me life and a year-long study of grace is all about this. So we saw Cirque de Soleil, the Cursed Child broadway show, and just this past weekend, i saw Rupi Kaur perform her amazing poems on stage. All of these gifts, decadent treats were awe-filled, community-based and new experiences for me. Each captured that felt sense of wonder and awe for us, witnessing artists in their elements.

Soul
Fall means RITUAL for me. Again, i didn’t know just how fitting this word would be when i picked it last year. What changed was that the rituals were more for grief work and internal ways to hold my self.

This year was about trying new things, and getting myself back out in the world. I have gone to a few sound baths. A part of me was really drawn to them because i loved the idea of being in silence, without speaking, but just taking in the ethereal sounds of the instruments. I was able to stay present with them and go deeper.

I hosted my friends with some witchy crafts. We made spell jars and did a Cutting the Cord ceremony. We shared meals together and sat together in parks. This is soul medicine – spending time with people who see me for who i am, and help me feel like i belong no matter what is the same or different between us.

I also was so humbled to attend a Living Funeral with Brooke of Length of a Candle. I spoke a bit more of my experience HERE. It was a cathartic and deep experience for me, one that allowed me soul to be fed and also a practice of grace for me like no other. It was an exercise in giving my messy, vulnerable feelings grace to be present.

I was split open by grief this year. My mom died suddenly after a short battle with cancer. It followed a long line of other health ailments, and yet it still baffles me that she died. She wasn’t supposed to die this year. We were just starting to heal our relationship to a more full place, and the threat of Covid was lightening up so we were just starting to spend quality time together. I’m so glad she got to have one last meal at my place in April. I was able to host my parents, and show them that they matter to me.

Grace has guided me through my grief. It made me more gracious to folks who haven’t experienced a loss like this. I was disappointed to not be held and cared for as i needed to be. It gave me permission to let this feeling happen and then to ask for what i needed. This grace period then enabled me to be an active student of grief work, and even more grief literate. I share about my reflections HERE. It allowed me to be humble and curious in the process. It made me more gracious to myself, by allowing me to slow down and really tune into what i needed in any given moment. It guided me to see what was present as well as where i might need to turn for support. Most of all, grace is an active practise of self-love and compassion – it taught me that when i aligned my behaviour and action with what my capacity is, then i am not overriding my nervous system. Grace is graceful, loving, and soul nourishing. It is gracious, life-giving and soul work at its best.

It is also connected to repair work, for when i make mistakes. Because i made some; we all do. When i over-reacted to my kids’ or got angry at a mistake i made, or when no one checks in me. Grace is there, letting me know that we are all human, and therefore all trying our best. Sometimes that best is at my 100% most regulated. When i’m running on fumes or my bucket is empty, my best is from a 20% capacity level. That’s okay too. That is when popcorn for dinner is perfect, when going to bed at 9PM and the kitchen is a mess. Grace shows up and reminds me that tomorrow is going to be better.

Speaking of capacity levels and soul work, i have been re-reading the transformative book Women who Run With the Wolves this year. I pulled it out as an intentional way to hold my practice of grace and re-wilding journey. One excerpt from it has stayed with me:

“When a woman is too long gone from home, she is less and less ale to propel herself forward in life. Instead of pulling in the harness of her choice, she’s dangling from one. She is so cross-eyed with tiredness she trudges right on past the place fo help and comfort. The dead litter is comprised of ideas, chores, and demands that don’t work, have no life, and bring no life to her. Such a woman becomes pale yet contentious, more and more uncompromising, yet scattered. Her fuse burns shorter and shorter. Popular culture calls this “burnout” – but is more than that. It’s hambre del alma, the starving soul. Then, there is only one recourse, finally the woman nows has to – not might, maybe, sort of but must – return to home.”

Sitting here, on this final days of 2022, the word that holds me in my year-long dance with grace is EASE. I am giving myself permission to take the easy way, not to cop out but rather to not override what i have capacity for. To honour just what i need and to not get pulled into toxic productivity. This above quote, written at least 30 years ago, is a reminder that hustle culture, burn-out and externalizing our worthiness have been pulling at us for too long.

Let us take back our life, to live it with grace, love, awe and ease. This is the lesson my mom taught me, let this be her legacy.

The Next Step in the Spiral Path

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We are days away from the end of 2021. It is snowing where i am, the house is quiet except for the continuous flow of my playlist, Music Therapy: That’s what it is called and what it means to me. It’s been a stalwart for me this year.

As the first New Moon of 2022 is so early into January, i wanted to share with you some of the resources that i have found immeasurable for planning for the year that is coming. One of the guideposts for this ritual is also taking time to reflect on the year that was.

A part of me wants to say good riddance to 2021, but i wouldn’t be doing it a good service. There were parts that were gifts, surely. They balanced out the hard and unexpected. To read a bit more about my 2021, go to my last journal post.

Each year, i put together a Reflections of the Year guidebook. If you haven’t already, go to this LINK and print a copy. Or better yet, take what you want from it and put your thoughts and dreams in a journal of your own. If you would rather ask some simple questions, here is a good place to start:

1) What have you learned
a) What are you letting go of
b) What are you bringing into the new year
2) What are you new adventure are you welcoming

My Guides
While my practice is a private one, it is not without guides and inspiration from others. I am a big fan of Lindsay Mack. She is a Tarot guide and each year, her Solstice Blessings Tarot Spread is part of my ritual. In it, we ask the cards: 1) What is my card for the Solstice 2) What am I welcoming in at this new cycle? 3) What am I shedding and releasing? 4) A supportive Anchor Card that I can call upon for the upcoming cycle ahead. I have enrolled in her Threshold course so she can companion me even more into this new year. Sarah Faith Gottesdiener is also a mentor and has similar resources.

I start my plan for the next year by early December. I have been honing in on my New Year ritual for so long it has become part of my Craft. Besides my journal practice, i now have a collection of card decks that help anchor me. This new one, Live Your Values Deck, is a perfect compliment to my own Self-Compassion Intention cards, my Tarot Deck and Goddess Oracle cards. Each has a sacred place at the altar.

One tool i love to share with the people i support is the Wheel of Life exercise. Kimothy Joy’s free version has been updated for 2022. A similar resource is Ikagai, a Japanese tool that is similar. It breaks down our life’s purpose into 4 pillars: passion, vocation, profession and mission. It asks you to consider these 4 questions: What do you LOVE, What are you GOOD at, What does the world NEED, how can you get PAID. Another great website that shares more about this tool is here. Resources like this act to help us see where we need more balance, focus or energy, and where there is abundance.

Since i have read so much this year, it’s fitting that i am surrounded by some books to help me with my Year-end ritual. Marlee Grace’s new book, Getting to Center, is very helpful – she breaks down the path to get to our own Inner Centre. With chapters on vulnerability, hope, easy, saying bye, and rejuvenation, she covers a lot of ground. Another book is Amber Rae’s Choose Worry Over Wonder. Both books have words that were on my shortlist for Word of the Year. So, they have been companioning me these last few weeks.

Instead of goals that start the year, i follow the tradition of picking Core Desired Words for the Year. They are more about honouring a theme or feeling for the year, rather than tasks or commitments. Last year, my main theme was the Rise up, share my resources and myself with my community. It also means to embody confidence. The other theme was Pleasure: How to access Joy and Play. You can read about some of my previous years HERE and HERE. You can also look at some of my own guides – Susannah Conway’s annual gift is still such a great resource after all this years – i have been doing it since 2015. I pick one key word and then 4 to hold it, one for each season of the year.

2022 is held by The Lovers in Tarot (card 6 of the deck, 2+0+2+2=6). It is the best time to welcome back love, for ourselves, each other, and Mother Earth. It is time to reparent our Self with the tenderness and love we have been needing. It is time to let go of what no longer serves us, and create space for new beginnings and dreams that do.

And so, now that you have a sense of my flow, here is my Word of the Year: Grace

I have been thinking about this word for years. For a long time, i didn’t want anything to do with it as i attached it to femininity and being nice as a woman. And now, as it calls to me again, i think it fits with where i’m at. I am diving into a personal spiral of reclaiming feminine energy, Goddess guides, and having grace allows me to source this side of me.

Now i see the word in a new light, and i see it everywhere. In Madison Morrigan’s recent newsletter, she also speaks of her journey with Grace:

“Notice.
Allow everything to belong.
Forgive it.
Forgive it again.
It belongs.
Allow.
–Grace.”

Grace helped her be more compassionate to herself when her boundaries had fallen. She had more capacity to be tender, playful and angry when necessary (if not inconvenient). When we choose to have sovereignty for what we give our attention, knowing there will be consequences, we can choose to do it with grace.

While Grace is the main theme, I am also feeling a call to Community. This past year has shown me how much I missed having access to a clear village. So, I think the four anchor words are going to help me establish what is needed for a more defined community – whether it is with colleagues, dance or a Goddess circle. The four words that will support me as i strive for it are Ease (Winter), Centred (Spring) Awe (Summer), and Ritual (Fall). I felt called to the words Centred and Awe, and then i knew that i needed to trust more in Ease. It was when i started to play with the words that i noticed they too spelt my main word, just as this past year’s word RISE.

I think this is the part of grace i am seeking – to be confident with my decisions, even when they counter others. Grace means having integrity and humility. It means being graceful with my values, not necessarily being graceful like a ballerina.

Though, i have always wanted to be a ballerina as well.