Author Archives: Vania

Sweet (Inner) Child of Mine

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Earlier this month, a poem went viral. At least it did on my Instagram feed. Maybe you saw it too? I loved it for its simplicity and also for its depth in reminding us that we can always make time for our younger selves.

In fact, for one of my 28 Days of Self-Love prompts, i did a version of it instead of writing from my future self as per the suggestion. I love writing, and especially poetry. Poetry is what literally got me through my darkest days in my youth, and it is still something that i turn to again and again, for solace and support.

The Brunch Date
I had coffee with my younger Self today
We were both early and sat with our backs to the wall
She had a cappuccino with soy milk
I had an americano.
We talked about her biggest dreams
I let her know they had come to life
She was amazed to learn that this could be true

And i told her to be patient
To stay on the path of her own life
To choose herself again and again

She had a short pixie cut and wore low cut jeans
And was a bit surprised by my long wavy hair
My red lipstick and flowy dress
She asked if i still listen to Mazzy Star and Depeche Mode
I reassured her that they will always be my first love
I have found my voice and kinship in women’s circles
I let her know that dancing is still my best medicine
And i have found my way back to the Goddess
I thank her for buying my first oracle deck
I give her the news that I’m partnered in a wonderful marriage and
Have two kids of my own

She asks me what my secret is that i found this life
I tell her i did the work to break the cycle
I stared my shadow parts in the face
And i embraced them

I saw her for who she is
In her fullness
Knowing that is all she ever wanted

I walk her to her bike as she makes her way to work at the shelter
We hug and i sneak a glass bottle of rose oil
In her basket to remind her that she is magic
~ vania sukola

Speaking of spending time with your former self, I saw My Old Ass recently. It was such a lovely movie with some sweet surprise twists. I won’t ruin it for you but let’s just say that i love how it addressed anticipatory grief, how to be present with your life right now, and not take it for granted. And remember, my word of the Year is Presence and i definitely noticed this message. One of the lessons in the movie was to carve out intentional time together, to not take this precious time for granted. This also allows for space to have the real talks.

I’m taking this lesson to heart now that my kids are teenagers. They are the age i was when i really started to want to have my own voice and autonomy, and also to be seen for who i was. And yet, i also still needed guidance and information. This is what Gabor Mate talks about – we all need Authenticity and Attachment. I am noticing now that my teenagers are making new friends and decisions, it’s time for me to upgrade my skills and understanding as a teenage mom. Some of the things i never got to experience are getting in the way.

Take the topic of dating for instance. My daughter has told me that she wants to go on dates with her crush. This is something i so desperately and needed to talk about my own mother and yet i couldn’t.

I am still finding this new terrain challenging. It sure looked familiar on the onset, especially as i used to be a youth shelter worker. I think i forgot along the way just how old i am. I took the compliments from my kids’ friends in stride: Did you know that my house is ‘house goals’ and also that i’m a ‘vibe?’ I also like to think of myself as a mom others will want to come to for the big step, to be their village auntie.

And yet, now i’m sitting with some big parent decisions – how to navigate dating, gender identity, next steps in life and catching my kids in their lies and goodness. A part of me sure misses the ease of two-year old tantrums over snowpants or steamed broccoli. I really identified with being a School-Age Mom.

All of this has brought me back to my own childhood and the mother i wanted to be. That meant seeing the one i had and also grieving the one i needed, not the one i had.

Last year, Glennon Doyle posted about her work with her own inner child. She wrote about her little kid self using four categories: her likes and dislikes, what her main needs were and what i would tell her now. I thought I might do the same here today, to introduce you to this powerful exercise, as a way to acknowledge your own Inner Child Part, and perhaps receive a healing reparative experience as well.

Meet Lil V
Her Likes: Strawberry Shortcake dolls, unicorns and mermaids, ballet classes and pointe shoes, Goonies, reading , swimming in the ocean, Punky Brewster, New Edition, hiding in the lilac bush, parties in the Florida room, writing in her journal, playing in the nearby creek with friends, making friendship bracelets
Her dislikes: yelling voices, angry eyes, bracing for bad moods, being told that her anger is not allowed, not having a say in what she wore, eating meat

Her Main Needs: time alone, openness (in schedules, spaces, hearts, minds), soft fabrics, cuddles, ambient lighting, artistic ways to express herself and her truth, to be seen, heard, met, understood, and empowered, to have her feelings matter, to dance and listen to music she loves

What I Tell her Now: You matter. I’m so glad you’re alive. I see you for your fullness. I hear you and your brilliant soul. I love all of you. I’ve got you. I’ve got it from here. Whenever you need this reassurance, let’s have a date with cocoa and collage. We can cut our favourite pictures while we chat and catch up.

I have some to some realizations lately, as i heal my Parentified Child Part. I became a therapist because i was my mom’s when i was a child and throughout my teen years, albeit a shitty and unqualified one. For years, i thought that my core wound from childhood manifested into being a People Pleaser. I think that was a Part’s way to handle things but my wound was in fact worthiness – i made myself small and struggled with speaking in groups because i learned i didn’t have anything worth while to contribute, that my own feelings and thoughts didn’t matter.

That has been my healing over these past few years.

Inner child work can be the balm my tender heart needs in order to show up in the present (wow, i didn’t even do that on purpose) and also hold space for all of my own Parts. For me, that can be having a hot cacao and calling in the energy of Lil V, writing a poem or reading a favourite one, or it can be listening to Mazzy Star or re-reading a favourite book from my teen years. It is also speaking to my younger Parts with love and reverence, and letting them know i see them, they matter, and i have a plan. Maybe you feel called to do some writing as well. If so, this old journal article that i wrote many moons ago, may be a great guide – it offers steps to be with your Inner Child and write a letter to them.

It also means reading about adolescence and updating my skills and knowledge. This is a corrective experience for me as my own parents didn’t do this work, partly because the abundance of books didn’t exist back then. Luckily for us, they do now. There are so many books, podcasts, and resources that can be a guide for us as parents. Some of the books that i have found to be mentoring along this new path are How to Hold onto your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate, Jessie Harrold’s book Mothershift, and i’m about to reach <em>Untangled by Lisa Damour.

We repeat what does not get repaired so spending time with our younger selves offers a reparative experience for them. It also helps me hold space for the versions of me that did not get what they wanted, without also getting in the way of what my kids need now. My children are not me, so what they need may not be the same.

Time for Rest: A Winter Ritual Bath

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I have been struggling this month with slowing down and just being present with the moment that is right in front of me. I have found it hard to write and allow space for my dreams to land. Even as i write this, on the final days of January, my heart is racing and i am needing to practice what i preach.

I am turning inwards, listening to the soft call of my body.

I am working on slowing down and turning towards what brings me pleasure because it then gives me the gift of presence.

There is no urgency.

This is the time to rest, to pause, to dream, to slow the fuck down.

I know that to be true.

I just have to get my Inner Planning Committee to listen.

It’s not lost on me that my word of the year – dreamed into being last November and December – is PRESENCE.

Wow, am i really been tested on it already.

So, instead of a whole article, i’m going to listen to my own advice. I’m going to resist the pull towards Hustle culture, especially as it’s a product of toxic masculine energy and patriarchy at its worst.

I’m going to gift myself and you, dear reader, the practice of a Self-Soothing Ritual Bath

Winter Bath Salts
Ingredients:
*Mix 1 cup Epson salts, and ¼ cup Himalayan pink sea salts together in a bowl
*Add 20 drops lavender essential oil, 10 drops pine essential oil, 10 drops rose oil, or others that you prefer
*Sprinkle in dried lavender, cedar, rose petals, small crystal pieces

Steps:
1) As you gather your ingredients and supplies, hold in your thoughts what your intention is for this bath. Picture yourself in the bath and the felt sense you hope to experience
2) Connect this intention to your ritual craft by repeating “With this bath, i welcome rest” or “My body is resting and so too is my mind”
3) When you are ready to take the bath, set the room up as a sacred space – light candles, burn incense or a smoke bundle, place a rose quartz crystal nearby, and have a playlist going quietly. Welcome a screen free moment. Purify this space and time
4) Run the water and share this moment with the cleansing waters that resonate in your own body. Add the salt mix and start casting the spell by repeating your intention “with this bath, i welcome rest.”
5) Visualize how you will feel after this bath and also give yourself permission to not do anything productive after. This is not just a moment of pause, but a way to find the balance you need
6) Immerse yourself in the water. Close your eyes, take in the water on your body and the soothing scents in the room. Take deep cleansing breaths, with a deeper exhale – don’t be shy to sigh it out your mouth!
7) Enjoy this solitude of the moment. When you catch your mind wandering, come back to the song, or look upon the candle. Practice Candle Gazing if you feel called!
8) Take this time to reflect on what you want to release, or what you are grateful for from today.
9) Start to picture what you want to let go down the drain as the water is released.
9) When you feel ready to get out, remind yourself of the intention and see if you feel even 5% more present or relaxed. Add more hot water if you need to stay in longer – remember there is NO RUSH here!
10) As you get out of the water, ground your body in this moment. Send yourself appreciation for choosing your own well-being over hustle culture, as a way to heal your internalized patriarchy and Rushing Woman Syndrome.
11) Blow out the candles, send a thanks to the waters for this gift of time and rest. Do a somatic check-in and see if your body feels a bit more renewed, energized or alive. Embrace this new version of you, anoint your body with special oil or lotion. Care for this new skin!
12) Wrap yourself in your towel, pull the plug and watch the water flow down the drain, as well as the stuck thoughts or limiting beliefs that have gotten in your way. Let the worry go, or the pull to practice toxic productivity
13) If you feel called, integrate this practice even more with a journal session, meditation. Or feel free to hop into bed!

Possible Journal Prompts
In what ways have you listened to your inner knowing this week?
What limiting belief have you noticed that is getting in your way?
Who are you becoming as this identity shift is calling to you?

A Bold Embrace of Change: Finding My Deepest Self

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It’s Christmas evening and i’m sitting in my dining room, with only candles and the light of my laptop giving me light. I felt called to use the quiet and peaceful moment as the gift it is. I don’t usually take this day to be reflective. Since my Christmas feels so different this yet, it seems like the perfect time to honour my word of the year – embrace – as i embrace this moment of quiet for myself.

I felt like i cheated a little with a word that i already enjoy and use. And yet, like every word each year, my word for 2024 pushed me to go deeper. To go to a full abandon, and to really embody what the word offers. I was able to unfold from a truth that was no longer serving me and fully embrace the version of me that was waiting patiently on the sidelines.

This year I chose to embrace my beliefs and values as well as my fears and imperfections. Doing that meant i met versions of me that have been hidden for so long and somehow I didn’t even know existed. Some i forgot existed all along.

Embrace
Encircle
Empower
Energy
Being
Breath
Bone
My body
My life, the journey
My imperfections
My inner circle
A beginner’s mind
Soft strength
Intuition
Futility
Conflict
Inner slut
Radical acceptance
Soft strength
My inner dragon, may i soften her fierceness
Vulnerability, because beyond it is the dream.

~ A Warm and Loving Embrace
vania sukola

When we embrace a rebirth, we are surrendering and courageous. This practice is also a deepening of a full acceptance of the cycle of life we are in. To embrace something is more than simply holding it; it is a practice of radical acceptance. This indeed is what helps us embody transformation.

Embracing my Body with Grace
I had a whole plan to build muscle and feel more strong in my arms: The whole obvious connection of ‘embrace’ felt literal. And also because in order to embrace the fact that i am in the perimenopausal stage of life, I learned more about what that entails and what i need to do. One thing that came up again and again in my research is i need to build muscle strength. I have little upper arm strength. I had a whole plan to use the ketel bells i asked for Christmas last year. I looked at them, i moved them, and i even looked up exercises to use. And i never used them. Not once.

Instead, i embraced my body and what she needed, not what i wanted for her, from a 25 year old Part. I embraced that my 48-year old body is going through perimenopause and needed movement that was soft and pleasurable. So i walked, i danced, i embraced the soft curves that have become the landscape of my womb space. I am also embracing that my body is more like my mother’s than i wanted to admit. I am embracing that this is her legacy. I am her legacy, in physical form.

I learned that i would rather live from a heart-centred place and still take care of my body. A sound bath or dancing makes my body feel embraced. I was taking care of myself by offering up kindness, generosity and the perfect gift that was made just for me.

“My arms grew tired
from constantly reaching
so I wrapped them around myself
and allowed them
to rest”
~ The Evolution of a Girl, by Lauren E. Bowman

I realized that the word embrace came perfectly after years of devotion to breath, grace and surrender. Embracing me is not the same as giving up. To embrace oneself as we are is a practice of gracious surrender.

My Voice and Confidence
I learned two huge things this year:
One: It’s okay that others don’t like what i say as long as it also doesn’t make me self-silence myself.

I learned that the heart Chakra lives in our body close to where we become enfolded in the embrace of someone’s arms. I love that visual – that in order to be embraced, our heart also is. And the solar plexus chakra is connected to one’s personal power and confidence. It is here that my body has been going through the most change this year. I have been journeying with my shadow, my anger, and the parts of me that have been quiet but impatiently waiting for me to notice them with love and compassion.

I have been working on ways to embrace my People Pleaser and Fawn response, as well as the young Parts of me that are afraid to speak up when i have something to say, or ask. This year, i sat with my Inner Circle (thank-you Parts work!) and gave them so much love. I also learned that i literally need to embrace my womb space and heart in order to quiet the nerves and stored trauma responses that live there.

I took a workshop on voice work and also was part of some beautiful community singing circles. In my own personal work, i was able to heal a young Part of me who hated public speaking and always got in the way now. I still have a long way to go, but it was embracing this young Part with compassion that helped me feel so much love for her, and ultimately she stepped back and let me find my own way with what i had to say.

And secondly, I had a reckoning this year, that related to my work domain. I have found a place for me as a therapist, both with the modalities that fully speak to me, and also the areas of support i want to offer others. This clarity was such a gift. And just for you to know, dear reader, i still am passionate about my work as a therapist. I have deepened into my commitment to help people with their rites of passage, especially matrescence and menopause. I also have come full circle in embracing my focus on somatic work as a trailhead in healing trauma.

“There is no such thing as true love without first embracing your true Self.” from Genevieve Delacroix, Bridgerton character

I had to change my mind, my plans, my path a few times this year. Not an easy thing to do especially when the change in plans affected others too. And yet, it was embracing that i don’t only have the right to change my mind but also to listen to that soft voice of truth that felt so honest and integral to my future self.

Soul Journey
As i enter my 50th year, i am excited to see what next year brings. Mainly because this past year has been such a pivotal year for me. It was a year of completion of my soul searching phase. Not that the journey is done, but more so that i have come through the transformation stage of wondering what my life was about, and what my soul’s code is for my time here.

“Embrace the unknown, for it is through facing our fears that we find the courage.” Emma Griffin

I had two goals that relate to my soul work. One was for my own personal practice to become more engrained in my life, and the other was to offer sacred circles and ceremonies in the community in a more aligned way.

I set out this goal for myself, based on a dream seed from a few years ago. It was to find community, and a felt sense of belonging with myself and for myself. The part that felt especially tender and also necessary was that i wanted a community with soul sisters.

I put a call out to friends to see if they were also interested in meeting monthly in a more intentional and soul-led way. I was pretty excited that their answer was a resounding yes. This has been such a gift, like a missing puzzle piece in my own life. From this experience, i learned that i am indeed embraced for who i am. I am both playful and also deeply feeling. I have learned to embrace how others see me: I am both cute and also fierce.

All of me is welcome in my own embrace.

I attended my first week-long retreat this year. It was more than a retreat actually, and not quite a training. It was a full embodied and transformative experience. I spent the week at Ghost Ranch, in New Mexico, where this photo of me was taken. I went to be with my teacher, Kimberly Ann Johnson, and 20 other soul tenders/jaguars/badass women. I made a vow to myself to be my full self, so that i could truly embrace the experience. Having never gone away like this before, i had to face many shadow parts. But i did it and i am forever changed by this time for myself.

The he first leg of the trip was anxiety-provoking. So many unknowns and first times. I felt the nerves, I cared for them, I listened with love and also gave them guidance. I still did the things that was hard because I knew I could do it. I didn’t bypass my feelings nor sensations. This is one way I embodied my soft strength.

I’m so excited to share that this year, i have put my bare-footed mark on the world with the ceremonies and circles i have lead. I started off the year with a beautiful mother blessing ceremony and finished the year having held circles to honour the change of seasons and how to help folks found their own path back to Self.

“Life is too short not be lived intensely, embraced wholeheartedly and without reservation, foregoing any hesitation or fear that may hold us back.” Suleika Jaouad

The Paradox of More or Less: It’s Time to Let Hustle Culture Die

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Recently, the American Surgeon General shared 2 different research findings that really got my attention. I might be Canadian, but i know our neighbours are not alone in this reality. The most recent one was about parental stress, and last year, research showed that the amount of people experiencing loneliness has reached epidemic proportions.

It’s hard to not notice how both of these very separate results can actually be linked.

I’m going to add a third reality: Internalized toxic productivity that is linked to patriarchy and capitalism. Many women today are their Father’s Daughter, a term coined by Marian Woodman. Not sure what this means? It’s when we internalize the belief that work defines your worth. We internalize the belief also that women are weak, and so we didn’t want to become our mothers. This is the ultimate lie that patriarchy wants us to believe. And guess what? There’s a name for that too: Patriarchy Stress Disorder.

I know i had subconsciously internalized this for years. Throughout my teens and twenties, i moved away from home because i held a belief that staying home meant i would catch the disease of domesticity and become a subservient woman. And then, luckily, in my thirties, i met my shadow and confronted that falsehood.

We need to evolve past the masculine-identified hyper independence of the Artemis archetype to instead embrace the knowing of Aphrodite – our pleasure is our birthright. They may be both maiden goddesses, and yet when we can catch this earlier in life, our spiral path will be greatly altered.

We need to attach our body back to our mind. We are not in fact, walking brains. We are a full human whose soul’s code has already pre-determined our life. Patriarchy and capitalism just wants us to forget this, so that we continue following a groundhog daily grind of life.

We need to trust that we are not a personal development project that always need to be worked on. We don’t need to go on that $2000 retreat to experience an awakening. Coming back to the landscape of our own body and soul’s calling can be the wake-up call. There is nothing to integrate or process.

“Where is your ecological niche? Where is the sore spot in your landscape that needs the shape of your body? The press of your tender foot? Where can you place yourself like an acupuncture needle in the mountain, the clear-cut forest, the web of relations that you, yourself, are woven from? Place me where i can melt into medicine. Place me on the tongue of the women who needs my taste.” Sophie Strand

As Sophie Strand so eloquently puts it, we need to look at our own bodies and reclaim it as a ‘ecodelic.’ It is not about all the supplements to take or the self-care practices to perform. Rather, what about placing your body somewhere on earth, in nature, and be present with your own self. We are our own medicine

We already have what we need.

Lisa Feldman Barrett has a great analogy on how to take care of our energy tanks. She uses the concept of listening to our own body’s message (called interoception) to help us attune to our body’s energy level. She calls this practice a Body Budget, a way to put a deposit in my body. This is a great reference to help us listen more actively to what our body is trying to tell us – remember it carries wisdom after all. We have learned to override this knowledge , at the expense (pun unintended) of fitting into capitalist culture.

This is a way to have a mind-body connection to allostasis, and to track our expenses (energy out) with our assets (ways to care for body) so that we have enough in the bank.

I know it’s a bit of a masculine way of tending to our energy levels, this talking like we are money. I see it as reclaiming our abundance, worth, and creating balance. I appreciate that there is a place for healthy masculine energy, and this is where being organized, tracking our energy, and using our cognitive strengths is helpful. Consider how you might put a deposit for your body.

Here are some of my deposits.

1) Take Time Alone
In her soul nourishing book, Gift from the Sea, Anne Morrow Lindburgh shares that “every person, especially every woman, should be alone sometime during the year, some part of each week and each day. How revolutionary this sounds, and how impossible of attainment. To many women such a program seems quite out of reach.”

“Woman need to be alone, to have solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves.” Here she continues to highlight that the stilling of the SOUL is what matters, not just the activities of the mind or body. It’s not enough to not do things and merely be, what is transformative is the nourishment the soul receives by this stillness.

Lindburgh wrote this book in the 1950s. This truth is no less necessary now.

Another important book that was transformative for me was Rest is Resistence by Tricia Hersey. In it, she encourages us to take time to pause, to dream and rest. This is on its own important. And yet, we underestimate its worth: This time of rest becomes a reset and allows for casting a vision of growth and new dreams, a way to evolve and not remain stuck. Sometimes the boundary we need to set is to say no to more (paid) work that becomes priroitized over the delicious dream seed planted like creative projects that align with your future.

How might you take time for yourself – to dream, to rest, to create, to be?

2) Embody your Experience
We need to recognize those early cues of being tired and fatigue. So many of us override these body messages.

There has been a lot of talk about ’embodiment.’ But what does it really mean? I love how Niva Piran put together these 5 principles, from her own work with body image and eating disorders. If you want to read further about them, here is a great article that unpacks them a bit more.

5 Principles of Experiencing Embodiment:
*Body Subjectivity and Resisting Objectification
*Attuned Self-Care
*Experience and Expression of Desire
*Bodily Agency and Functionality
*Body Comfort and Connection

“What are our bodies are saying about who we are and what we need changes hour to hour, day to day, season to season, life stage to life stage. Self-care is most empowering and effective when it matches our actual needs.” Dr. Hillary McBride

3) Get Lost in a Story
I had a realization recently about why I love reading so much: it is the antidote to my work. As a therapist, I’m also in the origin story or beginning chapters of someone’s life. It’s rare for me to get to the end of their story. It is also such a gift when I do. And, it is ultimately the time in solitude i get – even when escaping into the narrative of the characters or surrounded by people beside me as i read.

When i go on vacation, i read stories with a beginning, middle and end and my friend (who is an editor) shared that she needs quite the opposite – to not read or absorb any narratives. Both of us are practicing self-care, but in our own unique way. That’s why self-care can’t be prescribed. It needs to be embodied and a direct mirror to the need within us.

Books and narratives give me that balance. And that is what self-care and stress management is meant to do – give us balance. Athletes rest their bodies – I get to indulge in a full story, complete with an epilogue!

4) Practice Ritual
Earlier this year, i pulled the Empress card at a Tarot reading. She is the embodiment of rest and self-care. I have also been in communion with the goddess Aphrodite, who symbolizes pleasure and self-love. When i honour rituals that hold these reminders, i remember all over again that we are meant to love ourselves, and to receive care as much as give it to others.

One powerful way to do this is with ritual. Rituals help the soul catch up and integrate through the body the work or info we receive to master our inner knowing, to be closer to divine spirit and full being. It can be as simple as a sacred morning practice, or a ritual bath, or maybe a Sunday afternoon cup of tea and journal session.

Self-care has a role, but is not the answer. The degree it can help you is in the proportion to how much the need is to alleviate the hurt being done. Burnout comes from a push for perfectionism, toxic productivity and poor boundaries. Self-care that is prescriptive doesn’t heal the deeper wounds. This is why ritual is more than just a routine, but rather an attuned and intentional practice that calls for our presence.

We need to listen to the soft cries of our body when it knows we are running on empty.

5) Be in Relationship with Nature
I heard of a concept years ago that has stayed with me since. It goes something like this: Make sure you spend time with nature every day, give or take 20 minutes. When you are stressed or busy, make sure you spend at least an hour outside. I may not have the numbers right, but the point is to ensure you are in relationship with nature EVEN LONGER when life feels full and busy to no end. This is not to add more burden on you (even if it does). Rather, it’s to resource you and help you come back to your body, your breath, and your here and now experience.

We need to choose presence over productivity.

Not only does not help us regulate, by in fact co-regulating with us. It also reminds us that nature is moving forward in a spiral. It is not linear but it is inevitable. Winter still comes and the dark growth in soil happens regardless. Spring flowers still bloom again.

We are nature.

6) Find your Community
Let us embrace the great wisdom of mirror neurons. They show us that we are not only social creatures but also feel inspired and motivated by each other. When we start to practice life in a more sustainable, loving, and kind way, others will also mirror this back.

“The secret to avoiding burnout? Surround yourself with people who aren’t frightened, confused or threatened by your big dreams. Life is too short to talk about the weather, what sport we watched the night before and how work sucks. Have bigger, dreamier more expansive conversations that light you up. That bring out the child-like excitement and curiousity. I honestly think that’s one of the big secrets to avoiding burnout.” Erin Bowe

Let us be in right relationship with others, and embrace the soft strength of connection and attunement. When we add competition to the soup of productivity, it should surprise no one that we end up never satisfied.

7) Let Hustle Culture Die
It’s time to let hustle culture die away as a forgotten misstep. As we enter the dark months of this year, let us remember that this is the year of Soft Strength. As we start to turn towards the next year, what do you want to let die? What internlized hustle or work ethic has run its course?

If you need any more inspiration, let me be the first to tell you that next year is held by The Hermit in Tarot – the 9th card in the major arcana story urges us to become hermits, to turn inward and rest, to find our inner caves and just let the work fall away.

“But this hustle culture mindset fosters unhealthy perfectionism, overcommitting, insecurity, self-neglect, and isolation. Even our proudest achievements cease to have any meaning for us; they’re simply a row of checkmarks on a never-ending list, a line of stepping stones toward a destination we will never reach.” These reflections come from Israa Nasir, who wrote a new book called Toxic Productivity. She goes on to share that the antidote is not to be unproductive at all. Rather, it’s about ensuring that our goals are balanced and includes our personal growth instead of competing with others. The work becomes sustainable and has scaffolding that ensures we don’t forget our own values nor burn out.

8) Be Aligned with your Values
It’s time to reframe away from the story that our value is connected to production and more more more. We don’t in fact have to see more clients to be good at what we do. We don’t have to volunteer in any place, let alone 3 different charities that don’t appreciate our free labour. We don’t have to read all the books and work on social media (again for free) just to have a big following.

Our personal value has become measured not by what we’ve produced already, but by how today’s production can help us produce tomorrow. That keeps us doing doing doing, at our own expense (there’s that word sneaking in again). We are also judging our success by how tired we are – the more exhausted has become the goal.

Come back to what you value. What is it that lights your inner spark. It’s absolutely good to want to volunteer and be an active member of your community. What is also important is that you are not running yourself on empty to do so. What is your soul’s code and service to the world is important, and so is how you live your life. Does it include pleasure and rest, time for yourself and your loved ones?

9) Reframe How you Talk to Yourself
A pesky inner voice (my Bank Manager Part) urges me to hustle. “But as some of us reach adulthood, these lofty goals tend to boil down to a single, urgent imperative: in order to have value, we have to produce more value. Israa Nasir

When i take time to notice that is not only NOT my voice, it is a voice that forgets that my worth is inherent because i exist and rest is not just resistance but also a paramount need.

I already knew i was in mid-life, and now i know that i’m even closer to a more formal marker of it. I’ve reached my Fuck It Era – and it’s quite close friends with The Hermit.

“When a woman stops doing, she must learn how to simply be. Being is not a luxury; it is a discipline. The heroine must listen carefully to her true inner voice that means silencing other voices.” Maureen Murdock

The Closet of Unused Treasures

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Grief is a shapeshifter.

The last time i saw my mother alive was two years ago on Mother’s Day. She died the next day and i think she waited to die so that i wouldn‘t have this connection to Mother’s Day. It was a shock and created a sea change in my life that has been both the worst experience of my life, and has led me into a new sense of self.

I was tasked with the onoging responsibility of going through my mother’s lifetime of belongings, where she left a collection of Ariel-like interesting objects (both well-used and unused) as well as finding secret notes.

Through the process of purging my mother’s belongings I gleaned more awareness and new clarity, a sense of self that needed to transition. It is through this intentional grief work that I have come to see a more full sense of self, and one that will also not continue how my mother martyred herself, and ultimately lost her Self to others. It was only through this loss that I have embraced parts of me that have been hidden, and sitting dormant.

Cleaning out her closets has been a journey to find my full self. In purging and organizing, i have been faced with so more truths and discoveries i didn’t bargain for. Here are some of my biggest treasures.

Don’t Wait For Joy
One of the things i found was a purse my mom bought that was a fraternal twin to my own. I think we bought them together, on purpose. We were cute like that sometimes. Or at least that’s how i’m holding the story now. The big difference is what we did with the things we bought after. My purse is long-gone now; well-used and loved but gone. My mom’s was still sitting in her walk-in closet with the tags on it. It has been sitting there for at least 25 years. I don’t know if it was an item of pride for her or regret for buying it in the first place. I now have this bag and plan to give it a new life, similar to Amelie’s travelling gnome in that incredible movie.

Going through her things, i fell upon an unopened and hidden away chocolate bar. It was hidden in a box at the back of her closet, sitting among her important papers like her marriage certificate, receipts, and other seemingly important but forgotten documents. Ironically, i remember her telling me that she would hide some things from her husband, so that he wouldn’t pounce on the best things and not share. Funnily, i guess no one got to share this.

Finding it brought the floodgates back to my eyes, which has happened many times in the last year.

And yet, it was this specific chocolate bar, a reminder of my childhood and Eastern European roots, that really shifted me. She was saving this treat for herself, for a time that she could enjoy it. That time never came, and not because she died, but because she never seemed to find herself worthy of it. See, this bar of chocolate expired in 2014, and she died years later.

She never found the right time for one of the simplest pleasures in life: To eat the Chocolate.

Martyrdom is Patriarchal Mothering
Another big learning i am gleaning from these years without a mom is a commitment to not martyr myself as my mom did. I know i was one of the beneficiaries of that martyrdom and Mother Victim mentality, and yet it also created a wedge between us that was never repaired.

My mom regretted not living her life fully, not not sharing her feelings – that I heard about only all too well.

I am encouraging myself now to not wait for my own pleasure, and it’s a way that I am embodying my own manifesto of life – to not become a version of myself that first offers the best to others.

As a mother myself, this was a jarring realization for me. It showed me just how much my mother martyred herself, and learned to internalize a patriarchal way of mothering – putting her own needs and joy at the bottom of the priority list. This is not the legacy I want to carry for her, because she was so much more than this, and yet it took her death for me to see that. In her death, I want to honour her full life, and not just from my viewpoint as her daughter.

My mom was the first to tell, on repeat, what she sacrificed in order for my sister and i to have a better life than her. As a parent myself now, i can look back at those years with reverence to her and also a commitment to not lose myself to my roles as a mother, therapist, and partner. I know see that the only person whose life i am beholden to is my own, and i don’t want to wait to have the chocolate, or use the fun purse.

I am Her Legacy
My mom intentionally left hidden treasures for my sister and i. She hid some cash in the pocket of a house coat, knowing full well her husband (my dad) would never look there, nor do the work to clear out her things. She knew it would us who found it, and maybe the only money we would get. The things she left behind is not her legacy. The cottage and her belongings are just mere artefacts of her life.

What is her legacy or teaching is to embrace life as she only dreamed of. To live a slow and beautiful life.

These days, I honour my Mom in ome of the practices i first learned from her, whether it’s being a Herb Witch or antiquing. In the words of Marissa Renee Lee in her beautiful book Grief is Love she shares that “in order for you to become someone’s legacy when they die, you are required to change. Your transformation is their legacy …. You are their legacy”… ”Legacy is based on the fact that there is someone you loved dearly and who loved you back, and that love now lives on through you. When we can bring their spirit, their essence, back to life we keep our people alive, letting them continue to live through us and those we love.”

Ancestral Roots
My mother immigrated to Canada in her 20’s, and she left behind her own mother and family. In fact, both of my parents had to establish themselves in a new country without roots of their own. As an immigrant whose country of origin was being torn apart, my mother struggled with finding her true sense of self – and this polarization impacted her ability to truly land in her body, life and own story. She faced her own rites of passage without an elder to guide her, and I now realize she did so alone. Through my own metamorphosis called perimenopause, i was met face to face with the revelation that i did not know my own mother’s experience with it. I am seeing in real time what it’s like to enter the rite of passage of perimenopause without my own mother as a guide in physical form.

As a teenager, one of the ways i rebelled against my parents was in the most child-of-immigrants way – i lost my Mother tongue language. Now, as an adult it is one of my deepest regrets. So when i found old traditional Serbian dancing shoes, dolls, and table clothes, i reclaimed them and brought them home. Recently, one of my commitments to my mom and heritage is to find my way back home to my ancestral language and lands.

Don’t Dance with Regret
Speaking of regrets, i do hold so much regret for the time that was taken from me. There is a difference between dwelling in feelings of regret versus acknowledging the regret so that it can be held, witnessed and then processed. I know i can’t get in a fancy DeLorean car and go back to the past so regret of what i know now but didn’t back then is not helpful. I am working on not letting the guilt creep in that reminds me i could have had more time with my mom when she was alive. The adult parts in me also grieve the relationship that couldn’t heal or evolve in time.

I often wonder where is the place for regret in the stages of grief? There is so much i regret with this loss:
*I regret not hugging her that last time
*The kids not getting that sleepover
*Not taking her shopping
*Not staying that last day
*Missing the chance to ask about the big stuff like perimenpause, her dreams
*Not getting the opportunity to tell her how much i loved her, my awe of what she could do for herself
*Village life and doing it all alone
*Learning too late about feminine archetypes and the gift of Elder Crone wisdom

Don’t Bypass the Grief Wave – Do the Grief Work
Becoming a mother we are surrounded by well-intentioned people trying to help. Losing your mother seems like a process we suffer through alone. Whatever our own relationship with our mothers, knowing this loss is different from other kinds means we need to have others resonate and connect with us. It is yet another club we join without ever wanting to, and at the same time it offers us more shared humanity than we ever thought we could.

Western society has become grief illiterate, as we become more individualistic and severed from our emotions and lineages. It was becoming a griever myself that showed me just how alone we are in this experience. I became my own companion when I realized that no one else could carry this pain for me, or with me. We all need to apprentice with Grief work means to find meaning in the loss – not of the loss of our beloved, but rather for what our life is now that they are gone. This is a task of mourning and we are not meant to do it alone, we in fact need community to witness it and hold us.

“Do not feel like you were betraying your person by experiencing joy” writes Marissa Renee Lee. Experiencing joy is one of the many ways you can continue to love them. Joy is a basic right. We grieve because the love isn’t what died.

Grief work is subversive cultural shadow work because it is committed to acknowledging death in an individual and collective way. Death is not the end. Rather, it serves as a powerful step for alchemical transformation. Perdita Finn explains this even more in her beautiful book, Take Back the Magic.

Nature shows us that life mirrors a spiral dance with the cycle of life from birth, death and a possible rebirth.

Share the Appreciation
It’s not lost on me that i found my parent’s marriage certificate months after my mom’s death. What was a surprise was what was in the random shoebox in the back of the closet with these important papers: 2 cards that i gave my mom when i was in my early 20’s. She kept them all this time, and kept them in this box. Why she did this will forever be a mystery for me. I like to think it’s because they were two rare cards of me telling her i was proud of her, and that i loved her, and that i was thankful of her.

This was a lesson in always taking time to show appreciate, gratitude and love towards the people who not only deserve it but also who you might take for granted. I know my mom loved me, and i accepted her love language. What i also know is that i learned too late in my own life to reciprocate it.

Rituals for Gates of Grief
The loss of an elder before she could be one and i could appreciate her is a Gate of Grief. Francis Weller talks about these gates in his transformative book The Wild Edge of Sorrow. It has taken me in my almost 50-year old experience to know that i don’t only want but i need an elder. It has been through my own experience with perimenopause that I am noticing how similar my life is to my mom’s and where I need to make sure my life is altogether my own. Further, as I become more versed and passionate about feminine archetypes, an additional sense of loss is not having a matriarch or crone in my life now, to be a guide and mentor. Right when i was realize that i not only wanted one, but needed a Wise Elder, my mom was taken from me.

This treasure chest of discoveries has been a rite of passage for me, as it provides support to this new sense of self. You could call it a ritual of sorts.

October is known as a grief month, where the veil is thin between our world and the departed. This is the time for ceremony and ritual that honours our dearly departed, both recently and not. Our overculture has forgotten the roots of Samhain (known now as Hallowe’en) and the sacredness of ritual that honours our dead ancestors. Of the the biggest treasures i have dug up with this loss is my devotion to sacred practices, soul retrieval work, and creating rituals in my everyday life.

Transformative is Not Inevitable
According to David Kessler, the stage of Finding Meaning after experiencing such an impactful loss offers healing benefits. That doesn’t mean this stage is automatic. My mom’s death became a catalyzing moment for me. Not just in the way you might think, but in a deeper sense of shaking my Self out of me. It allowed me to access a spiritual practice and my sense of Self came back to life. I took time to really think about how I wanted to honour her in her death. I packed a special kit of meaningful items for her to take with her on her next journey after life. This is something she did for me. And yet it was also a way for me to really Align with the witchy side of me. It also was the one way i could truly give back reciprocal care to her, and show her that her love language was heard. I think it was also a way for me to highlight that i understood something powerful – death is not the end.

I saw a quote by Kimberley Jones a few months ago. It inspired me to notice that my mom birthed me twice: on the day I was born from her body and the day she died, a new birth of Me happened. Her death lead to my own butterfly effect or catalyst to become more versed, literate and comfortable with death work.

It has been through this process of purging my mother’s belongings and embracing the loss of her that I was confronted by my own sense of self, and ultimately finding meaning in my own life. It has created a newfound commitment to not martyr herself as my mom did. It was only through the loss that I could embrace parts of me that have been hidden, and sitting dormant in my psyche for years. Finding these forgotten treasures served as a wake-up call – a pristine and never-used purse is a revealing awakening for me to not wait for life to happen, nor wait to enjoy life, but rather be present in it now.

Luckily, i found my mom’s treasures, similar to Ariel’s treasures in the Little Mermaid before i lost my own voice and Self.