Tag Archives: couple therapy

We Avoided a Date with Disaster

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Last month, i shared some ways couples can recommit to their intimate relationship after becoming parents. This month, i’m back with a new article about intimate relationships and i’m sharing a story about my own trials and mistakes.

It’s been a few months since my partner and i have had a proper date. And by that, i mean getting dressed up and going out on the town. We make the intention to have lots of quality time and also sneak in mini-dates into our life regularly. And yet, we do need that special kind of date from time to time.

And so when we put the plan together to go to a new cute drinks spot, i was pretty excited. It was a Saturday night and i dressed up – i wore heels and a dress, and pulled out a vintage clutch instead of my usual purse. It was an added bonus that is new spot was in our own neighbourhood.

Neither of us wanted to drive because we wanted some tasty drinks and it was too close to deem a taxi worthy. So, when we walked a mere 2 blocks from our front door, i couldn’t help but wonder if the clouds in the night sky looked daunting, and more than just natural darkness.

Let me back up and explain that it’s my partner who is the ‘weather guy.’ He has an app he always refers to, and we ask him every morning to tell us the weather. He’s our go-to in-house weather forecaster. So, i guess a part of me assumed he already looked at the weather and deemed it worthy of the walk.

The first mistake is that i assumed this. The second is that i didn’t explicitly ask him to drive because i didn’t want to. The third mistake is that i didn’t look at the weather app because i wanted to wear heels and i dress – i don’t have to rely on others for this.

And so, we decided to keep walking and take the risk. We were barely past our own street when the rain started. Our wishful thinking and glass-half full perspective did not keep the clouds away.

And the rainclouds sure opened. We had to run for cover and wait out the rain for a few minutes. We were too far gone to go back, and i knew if we were to go home our night (let alone date and good humour) was spoiled.

You’d think the heat rising from inside me would have been enough to keep me dry.

So, it took me a few minutes to catch my breath and bearings, and to also sit with what i was feeling. Sure, i was mad and maybe a bit rage-y. I was also disappointed and frustrated. And my partner was too.

In the past, my bad mood may have made us turn around and go back home. Not only because i was wet and didn’t want to go out, but also because i would not have been pleasant company. This time, i noticed how i was feeling, and what resources i had within me to self-regulate and get back to Self energy. I knew my partner was grateful for this and he also wanted to go on the date, and it wasn’t his fault it rained on us. And he also was entitled to want a drink, and not have to drive for once. I knew this in my heart, so i was able to quiet that critical voice and my Inner Complainer, so that we could keep walking and enjoy our night.

And we did – we got to the bar, the rain stopped (in that order), and we had a lovely night.

I’m sharing this because i want to be transparent as a human who also happens to be a therapist who supports couples, and has a partner who is trained as a Non-Violent Communication facilitator who works with men. We are imperfect works in progress. And, we are witnessing our own healing and progress in real time.

Recently when my partner told me that he was afraid to tell me that an ember burned our pillow, i realized the narrative i have about myself being easy to talk to and easy-going is not necessarily true. That is absolutely true as a therapist and yet it can still be hard for my partner to be vulnerable with me, especially when he has to tell me something he did. My Inner Fiery Dragon was a strong protector of me, and yet she can be scary for others to repair things with. I get that.

So, what can we do, you ask?
Remember, it should not be a given that a relationship is inevitable, let alone happy indefinitely. All relationships take work simply because we are constantly evolving as humans, or at least we hope we are. So, get ready to learn, read, talk, question, and reflect on how you are doing on your side of the relationship coin.

A great place to start is to learn about your relationship with conflict. Do you know what your conflict style is? I’m not the type of therapist who will do personality quizzes with you. Partly because i find them simplistic, and also because i don’t think they showcase our full story. And yet, one way to really sit in the discomfort about the role we play in conflict is to notice a pattern. Do i hide my head in the sand like my pet turtle? Or do my teeth glare out like a shark or tiger? Does my body become soft like a fawn or teddy bear or is there wisdom in my response like an owl? Maybe instead of using animals as a mirror, how about looking at these typical ways we respond to conflict: Accommodating, Avoiding, Compromising, Competing, and Collaborating? Do any of these sound familiar to you – be honest! If you’re stuck, this article can be a great start to look into this more.

As a couples counsellor myself, one of my favourite resources about befriending our conflict style comes from the work of Sue Johnson and Emotionally Focused Therapy. She shares that we need to learn a new dance with others in order to break stuck patterns, be it an intimate relationship or other kind of connection. So a good place to start is to take a kind self-critical lens and really think about your own pattern when conflict shows up.

I know many of us are afraid to think about worst-case scenarios, and we may avoid looking at the cobwebs in the corner. I think knowledge is power so i appreciate knowing why a relationship may struggle or fail. A few main reasons are: a lack of growing, developing and evolving in parallel ways; getting stuck on differentiation, lack of repair after rupture that leads to emotional pain and trauma (triggers still alive); or lack skills and support to help them move past this stuckness.

So it bears knowing that developmental hurdles happen as a couple, whether it is after becoming parents or if one of is on a new journey in life. We may struggle with Differentiation, which is a manifestation of true individualism. This means we can acknowledge and trust that our inner experience is separate from someone else’s, and that’s not only okay but valuable. Our attachment style can impact our ability to trust that our opinions and thoughts about something doesn’t have to be questioned or minimized by someone else if we don’t share the same idea. In this article, Dr. Ellyn Bader shares more about what differentiation looks like.

I’ve been reading Dr. Tracy Dalgleish’s new book, I Didn’t Sign up for This. In it, she shares stories from her own marriage as well as other relationships to help the reader know they are not alone. The book is filled with resources and support, and i found her 4 C’s especially useful. This comes from her own work and research as a couples therapist. It describes the ingredients of Collaboration, Compassion, Connection, and Curiosity as important felt sense experiences to help couples get back to their Selves in a relationship. This connects to the individualism that is necessary for healthy relationships, and are the catalysts to repair after ruptures.

I also really value John and Julie Gottman’s work with couples and families. In fact, i have done training in their appraoch as a therapist and their research has become an integral part of my own growth and development as a human in a committed relationship. Since i didn’t have my own healthy models to look to growing up, learning this was important for me. They have a plethora of resources and have been on many, many podcasts and shows. Here is just one recent podcast that i found to be a great resource.

Oh how I wish this was taught in school. Back then for Little vania and now for my own kids now.

More than my Baby Daddy: Becoming Parents and Staying Together

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Having a child is a life-altering portal for everyone, regardless of how you crossed the threshold. Since parenthood is a rite of passage, we become someone who never existed before. I used to cringe when i heard that giving birth to a baby meant that we too are newborn mothers and parents. Now i understand that a new version of me was indeed birthed when i evolved into motherhood.

This sea change also impacts the couple as they are also all-together new beings as co-parents.

Many couples have to find their way back to each other after becoming parents. This is a natural occurrence as it takes time to learn how to be in this new role as a parent. We need to sacrifice other parts of us so that we can integrate this new role into our life. The sacrifice is meant to be temporary. What makes it hard is that there is no map or guidance on how to come back to centre. We will never be who we were before as a childless couple. And yet, i think one thing that sets couples up for failure is the unrealistic expectation that they just ‘bounce back’ into their own way of being together. We assume that we just add a child to our life and it all goes back to the way it was.

Now that my own kids are older, i am starting to feel the integration of motherhood into the rest of who i am. More specifically, i am finding ways to balance my main roles, including the role of partner.

My partner and have been together for over 20 years, 15 of them as parents. These last few years have been some of our biggest growth years. We have come to know that our evolutions are mostly parallel journeys, if not always at the same place or pace. In my own relationship, we’re lucky that we are on similar aligned paths. I know this isn’t always true for many families.

It’s not lost on me that i may have an advantage as a therapist who specializes in life transitions and matrescence. I’m also a couples therapist and one of the main areas i specialize in is the transition of parenthood and how it impacts intimate relationships. I support others through areas i have lived experience in so i have been reflecting on what worked for us, i’ve come to see that we did some key things subconsciously.

I often get asked what my secret is to a lasting intimate relationship. It’s such a gift when others comment on witnessing my love with my partner. So i wanted to share some of the main takeaways that have helped me maintain and flourish in my partnership.

Human Development Stages
Growth and development isn’t just for kids. Our foot size may not be growing anymore, but that doesn’t mean we are done evolving as humans. The growth and maturation just happens in our psyche and emotional realms, or at least it should.

Becoming a parent is just one of the stages that fall into adulthood. It’s right up there with getting your first ‘real’ job, buying a home or signing a lease, finding chosen family and community, and paying taxes. Like all of these very adult tasks, becoming a parent isn’t just something that happens to our body and happens on weekends. It’s an all-encompassing sea change and is meant to turn us upside down.

We need to learn how to become something new. It’s not enough to assume a role, as that will not be enough to full integrate this rite of passage. When one of us takes on the task to learn more about becoming a parent, it serves both parents to benefit from this. And yet what happens more often is that the other parent falls into a default way of parenting as they were parented. This can lead to defensive when advice or information is shared. Knowing some of the key issues new parents face in their relationship is a great first step.

One of the most significant learnings i have benefited from in my own development is understanding Attachment Theory and attachment styles. We don’t have one stuck style, and we can absolutely heal an insecure one. This growth fits in well when we are setting intentions to mature into who we are not as an adult, versus getting stuck in our earlier versions and wounded former parts. Knowing how to heal your attachment style so you can have a reparative experience with your own child is a key component in embracing your developmental stage. This has been a huge healing edge for my own parenting journey.

Relationship Building
It is helpful to know what stage of a relationship you are in – not just how long you have been with your partner. Susan M. Campbell has a brilliant theory that highlights stages of building a deeper connection with your partner. These 5 stages of relationship building move any relationship through a process. While she first created it for intimate couples, i think this works for any relationship.

Romance is the first stage. It is when we are so excited by this new match, there are feelings of infatuation and limerance fostered by oxytocin. This is the honeymoon stage, and can last up to 6 to 9 months. After a few months of getting to know each other, Power Struggles start to show up. This marks the time of uncertainty. For many couples, this is the dance they start to cycle though. If the relationship is strong enough, the couple can progress to a stage of Stabilization.

A lot of relationships cycle through these first 3 stages. When a baby comes along, this is a great opportunity for the parents to make a Commitment to learn more skills about communication, conflict resolution, division of labour, and time to get rest. This next stage of relationship building is crucial to get to the ultimate stage of Co-Creation and Bliss. It is necessary to intentionally commit to the relationship again as a couple, and not just a level of understanding as co-parents.

If you want to know more about this theory of relationship building, i love how Jessica shared some insight about attachment styles as they impact the stages on her podcast HERE. Also this article does a wonderful job in reframing some of the stages – Initiation, Experimentation, Intensify, Integrate and Bond. I really appreciate this update as it lands for my own system with more ease.

Village Members
One thing that can help us feel more solid in our footing is to know that we are not alone in this newness. We may feel like a fawn just newly standing and being expected to run into this new life full steam ahead. And yet, while we have never done this before, many have.

This is where village comes in, and why it is so important in fact. I also know that finding this said village is so much harder than it should be, and even used to be. As social creatures, it is so helpful that we can have space to talk about what is coming up for you. I love being happily surprised when my situation is reflected in others i chat with. That could be connecting with a new friend in yoga class about motherhood, or another student about menstrual cycles, or maybe your cousin at the next family gathering. Being vulnerable is a wonderful alchemizing quality that lessens our assumed aloneness or shame.

Of course, having this community is not always possible: When you don’t have elders in your life, or the people you know that are parents are not your role models, it helps that we have other ways to create a village.

As a book lover, i always fall back on books as my main resource. There is something so comforting about knowing that a book was researched, written, approved and published tells me that i’m so not alone in this stage of life. Now, we also have social media (for better or worse, it’s like it’s own marriage). I also love podcasts and of course, a good blog!

Some of my favourite books on this specific topic are:
*Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents by Kara Hoppe and Stan Tatkin
*To Have and to Hold: Motherhood, Marriage and the Modern Dilemma by Molly Millwood
*The Gottmans and their plethora of books and more here

House Meetings
I know this seems too much like a work meeting, but i promise having a meeting with your beloved about the business side of life can really uncouple all the work from the intimacy. If we are partnered or in a committed relationship when we become a new parent, it is important to have regular conversations with your partner. Talk about things like what is coming up for the week with social engagements and meetings or appointments. Share things you have learned about parenting, or ways to alleviate the mental load. Share resources, have a book club with 2 members!

Take time to create your shared values and needs list. As a place to start, this article shares some key ones. Many people in relationships are surprised to find that what they think is a shared core value is in fact not a shared priority with their beloved. It is the shared values and needs that keep us aligned on a paths in life. They can manifest in things like how housework is done, or when to book a date night. These are the ways to put needs and values into action.

Keep Things Intimate
I don’t mean to jump right back into bed after having a bed. At least, not unless it’s to have a real nap! But I do know that we still need to feel intimacy with our partners. A lot of us are touched out after having a child, especially in the case of the primary caregiver. And yet intimacy doesn’t always have to be more physical touch, but can be beautiful gestures and offerings that foster co-regulation and connection.

This helps us stay in each other’s orbit just enough so that when it does feel that time is aligned, it’s not as hard to jump past these blocks that were put up. And then we can come back to a more regular date night and routine.

In a recent blog article on Momwell, they talk about how different sex drives can impact a couple. This is even more intensified when a baby comes along AND the mental load is not balanced. I really appreciate how they name consent, timing, focus, and pleasure as key tenets of fostering a shift in our responsive sex drive.

It’s also important for the non-primary parent to remember the struggle for the one at home with a new baby is a struggle of duality – the dance of becoming a sexual woman and also a mother. These two archetypes or roles have been quite polarized. I talk more about this in a previous journal article – you can read it here.

I personally really love focusing on what seems like little things – rituals and routines, intentional dates that honour mutual delight, and connection bids that enhance attunement. These are the daily practices that have helped my partner and i through the darkest times as new parents. When we didn’t have energy, time, or resources for any significant date nights, we always had access to cuddles, appreciation and dinners by candlelight.

I want to end with a gentle reminder that all relationships take work and communication, as well as a focus on our Self. Even the great Esther Perel, a renowned couples and relationship therapist, has shared she wanted to leave her husband at times: “It isn’t so much that we leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become.”