How to Be a Resilient Parent after Experiencing Abuse

I’ve been a trauma therapist for over 12 years, and working in the Violence against Women field for 20 years. Over this time, I’ve seen women, families and children work on their healing and move on with their lives. It’s not always easy, and they don’t do it alone. I have been reflecting on what helps them be better parents than some of them had, or more present in their day to day life even with the flashbacks that still catch them off guard. Here are some things I’ve learned.

When we become a parent, we go into the role wanting to provide our children with all the love and security in the world. Sometimes, when that wasn’t available to us as children, it’s hard to be able to do that for someone else. When that wee baby cries for hours, when our children fight with each other, and when those little ones keep demanding from us, it makes it hard to be calm and joyful, when it’s our children that are triggering our own pain and abuse experiences.

The experience of abuse and violence can vary, as can its impact on us. For some of us, we have survivors of family intergenerational trauma that can stem back years, and other survivors have experienced sexual violence or intimate partner violence that continues to impact today. Sometimes, the onset of preparing for and becoming parents can open wounds that we thought were otherwise healed. Being a parent is such a raw, vulnerable, and exhausting role in our life. Having tools and a clearer understanding of this connection is so important.

Post-traumatic growth (after trauma) is a process and sometimes we become parents before our own healing from trauma is complete. That doesn’t mean you can’t be a great parent to your little one! Be kind and gentle on yourself.and know that healing is a journey. Notice if you catch yourself with self-judgement and instead choose radical acceptance and self-compassion.

Here are some helpful tips and strategies to help you get there (in no particular order).

Develop your Own Parenting Style
The only real model of what parenting looks like are our own parents,so when that is not a model that you want to follow, we may need to be more intentional with how we learn to do better. When we want to change that pattern and style, we need to learn something new to replace it. So get some books, read, take a course and connect with other parents that you see or know. You know your child best and also your own story. Trust your instincts, establish your own family values and house rules and don’t set unrealistic parenting goals. Make intentional time as a family. You can do this in big ways (i.e. birthday party, host a BBQ, go on a family vacation) or smaller daily acts of fun – play games, do a family craft, eat a meal together. It’s also helpful to allow time in each day for some 1 on 1 bonding time like reading, a morning cuddle.

Attachment Work
There is a lot of talk about needing to create a bond with your new baby. Sometimes this is not possible, as our baby may be one of the triggers to our own trauma. Also, we don’t become mindful and present parents as soon as we meet our baby – for some of us it can take a few days and others it can take months, or longer. We are all on our own journey with parenthood. Whether you breastfeed, use formula or cloth diapers, use a stroller or baby carrier wrap, it is not what we do with our child, but rather how safe and attached they feel with us after receiving our regular and daily presence. Just as in adult relationships, trust is something that is earned. That can take time, and this work of building a bond and connection is the most important step to create a healthy relationship with our children. Once our child is attached to us, there is a decrease in power plays, increase in quality time, and it allows children to come to you as their anchor and home base. Make a point to share love and affection to your children EVERY day: hugs, words of encouragement and signs of love are so important to break away our own feelings of unworthiness, and it also builds on the bond with our own children.

Practice Self-Care and Balance
We are more than a parent so we NEED to get a break from that role sometimes. That doesn’t make us a bad mom, the opposite in fact. What are some things you do to help you after a hard day? What helps you unwind. This is a good time to building on your Wellness Toolkit. Things that are important to put in it include activities that have a body connection – do some work to connect with your body and what it is trying to tell you – yoga, a jog, stretches, body scan, massage. The body-mind connection has been studied and shows it’s really a important part of healing from abuse. How we sit, our posture, and what we notice in our bodies are necessary to help us be resilient. Other things include something that is relaxing like a long bath with a good book, time with friends, time to laugh, putting your feet up instead of doing that last load of dishes. The chores can wait – you can’t give from an empty cup.

Build a Village
In Brene Brown’s book, Braving the Wilderness, she talks about how important it is to feel more confident in ourselves, without relying on others. As a parent, that is a crucial step in feeling in tune with the choices you make for your family. And then, it’s even more helpful to build on that and then build a village around you with like-minded friends and parents. We really can’t do it all and do it by all by yourself. So, it’s not enough to have a network of mom friends if they don’t share your values or realities of parenting – it can be hard to feel supported as a nursing or cloth diaper family if your friends don’t share this same practice, for instance. Create your own village – join a group or programs that make you feel safe, included and respected. As a therapist myself, I may have a slight bias but I do feel like having a therapist or someone else in your life that is a neutral person that you can share anything with, who is there for you with unconditional support is also a life saver. We all need someone to vent to and get support from.

Reframe, Forgive Yourself and Move on
How to rebuild after a conflict and role model this for our children is a great reminder that our nurturing is what guides them. So, we need to work on nurturing and be a healthy role model for feelings. Most of us were not taught that all feelings are okay, and to instead hide the hard feelings from our parents. We were also taught to say sorry, but it was not common for our parents to say that to us. That’s why it’s imperative to accept ourselves as parents and the Perfectly Imperfect days of it all. Start the next day with a Do-Over and don’t blame yourself, provide yourself with that same (self) compassion you give others and forgive yourself. Ask for forgiveness and have those hard chats with your kids. Ask that they also apologize and work on their mistakes. That is one of the best ways to learn how to be empathetic and respectful people.

Accepting Love and Self-Compassion
Self-esteem is a part of self-compassion, but it’s not all of it. It’s important, especially as a trauma survivor, to work on including self-compassion in your daily life. It’s definitely a big help when we feel good about ourselves, but if we don’t incorporate behaviour of self-compassion into our daily rhythm, it’s easy for it to get lost or left behind. Find ways to share love with yourself, your child, and your partner or family. Accept all of you as you are. Donald Winnicott talks about the Good Enough Parent – a way to be present both emotionally and physically, and provide for our child. We need to be gentle also with them and accept mistakes. Keep trying: It’s not a race. We need to nurture the relationship now for long-term gain.

Catch your Feelings
Most often than not, people are not taught healthy ways to experience their range of emotions or feelings, and typically feel shy around the big hard feelings of anger, sadness, disgust. This is especially true for the adults that have become parents in recent years. If only movies like Inside Out were around when i was a kid! The tool Window of Tolerance can help you see how your mood can impact others and us for longer than it needs. It may also help to see what your primary emotion is so that you can take care of it, before the iceberg effect of all the other feelings that come raising in. While it’s not absolutely necessary to go to therapy, it is crucial that you learn that the abuse or violence your experienced is NOT your fault, you deserve better, and the abuse we experience is due to patriarchal beliefs and power and control. There is a lot to unpack here I know. This is an important part of becoming resilient whether you are a parent or not. This is hard work, and necessary in order to break any residual intergenerational trauma that stems from our disconnect to feelings. In order to be present parents, we need to do our own work in unpacking the pain and trauma we experienced in our life.

Find Joy in the Present and Every Day
For you to be in present and here and now, it helps to learn some strategies, tips, and tools to stay in the moment that is in front of you. As parents, especially to young kids, it can be hard to actually find time with them truly fun. Give yourself permission to know that it is not all joy but rather can actually be no fun. It may not be your cup of tea to have a teddy bear tea party, and Lego can be more harm than good. Find ways to allow yourself pleasure and play in your role as a parent. That means doing things with your kids that you also love. So, focus on the present and don’t multitask – put your phone down, get your hands away from the dirty dishes, and check if your autopilot monkey brain of thoughts is on. Mindfulness work is so helpful to stay in the present. A helpful tip to stay present when with kids is to do a sensory exercise – notice 5 things in the room that you see, 4 things you can touch with your hands, 3 sounds in the space, 2 smells you can locate, and do 1 action with your body. Add fun to your family rhythm, and include yourself in the activity. It’s when we stay present that we are given the gift of peace and also a shared laugh.

Hold on to Hope
Take some time each day to journal, reflect, or otherwise hold on to good things that happened in your day, and times that you did something you are proud of. It is a helpful way to minimize or challenge any of the negative self-talk moments that creep in. Notice the monkey brain and inner critic, and instead choose to say hi to the voice that reminds you of something to be grateful for or proud of. Be a cheerleader for yourself, just as you are for your kids and other important people in your life. Find ways to hold on to hope as a family – it can be a weekly Rose Thorn Bud exercise at the dinner table, or a communal gratitude journal entry.

Reach out and Support Others
In our journey to become resilient and empowered, it’s important to discover what our voice is – how it sounds and what it can say. This can be seen in so many ways. It may mean finding an improv class or choir to join, so that you can hear yourself and also feel the strength you have from within. This is important work as it helps carry the momentum forward, and also gives you courage to stand up for yourself and others. This may seem like a hard and time-consuming task, especially after the above-mentioned suggestions to be present and gentle with yourself. Further to this, it is also key to provide similar support to others who may not be as further along in their healing. Advocacy for others or self-advocacy for ourselves is a key part of post-traumatic growth. It is not necessary to self-disclose your trauma story, but it working from a trauma-informed place as a parent to another family can be just enough loving kindness and respect another mom needs to know that she is also not alone. You can subtly pass on a resource to her, have a coffee date with another parent, or reach out after a parent and tot program. While different than building your own village of support, it can be so good for our own healing to support someone else too.

28 Days of Self-Love

The card i pulled from my deck in January was Brigid – she came a month early for me as she’s the Goddess connected to Imbolc in February. She is a Goddess of healing, and brings fertility to the land and its people. She is also closely connected to midwives and newborn babies. She sits at my alter all month to remind me of her energy so i’m sharing her with you now.

February is a tricky month for a lot of us. If you are like me and you live where Winter really visits, then February is cold and full of snow. It makes it hard to go out and do things, to be spontaneous and have fun. I’m not opposed to getting cozy at home, in fact i kind of treasure it. But it can lead to a bit of Cabin Fever.

Another pitfall of February is that Valentine’s Day is in the middle of it. This holiday carries with it a love-hate feeling, whether you are single or not, as it pushes a lot of us to DO and GET and BE so much more than we typically are. The pressure is on for sure. A few years ago, i heard about a reclaiming of the day, a way to re-connect with our own selves, as to focus on self-love more than an arbitrary outpouring of love that is dictated by stores telling us how to show love.


So, since my word of the year is LOVE, i thought it was a good time to create this helpful tool to intentionally provide myself with some gifts of self-love. Each day has a simple and gentle suggestion for you to practice. Some take a few minutes, and others are a bit longer. I also made sure to connect it to key dates in the month – IMBOLC is on February 1 is a good time to plant seeds or get fresh flowers, February 14 of course is love day, and i like to mark the full and new moons in the month. Feel free to change up the days, but do try to give yourself these moments of self-love. Month of Self-Love

Click HERE to get a PDF copy that you can put up for the month! I keep mine on my fridge.

I see a lot of connection between self-love and self-compassion, and also the need to steal time as a working mom of two kids. I may not have the abundance of time to leisurely eat brunch as i once did, but i do have the right to eat the best chocolate i can get my hands on, and to take a break from self-judgement and critique.

Please join me this month!

Trust Them

My son broke his elbow recently. It was a big learning moment for us, and not just because we now know how to heal a broken elbow, and to not dance with slippery socks on a coffee table, but because i absolutely trusted him when he said that it was bad and he needed to go to the hospital.

This is bone #4 that he has broken in 4 years – yes, one every school year so far. The first one he was in shock and it was the school secretary who had to gently urge us to check it out. By now, and after stitches as well as those above-mentioned bone breaks, he knows to tell me “I’m okay” immediately after a fall or injury. Or “mom, i need help” – this time was the first time that he said it and i knew that he meant it was serious. I didn’t have to stop and question what happened or convince ourselves that going to emerg on a Sunday night at 8pm was not necessary.

I’m not one to think so well on an instinct. When it usually comes to fight or flight mode, i’m a Freezer (is that a word in this context?) but this time – oh i was Mama on Fire. I tended to him, got him ready, packed a bag with snacks, books, and water, got his health card ready and told my partner that it was time to take him to the hospital no. questions. asked.

All because i trusted that my son knew what his body was telling him.

I’ve been reading the book Whole Brain Child again. It’s a great book – small and full of info about how brain development impacts how children connect to their world. As a young child who has now had a fair share (more than their fair share in fact) of injuries and trauma that connects to it, my son is struggling with how to feel safe and still have joy in the things he loves. A part of me wants to cover him in bubble wrap, but what i really want is to push him to keep taking risks and feeling confident that i will there when he falls. And to trust himself first. Notice how i didn’t say, i will catch him when he falls? Because i know that’s not possible now, and he still calls for me.

The time since the latest cast, and i’m sure not the last, we have snuggled more, talked more about feelings and fears, and we are still a work in progress when it comes to being on top of our feelings. But my son knows i have his back (and elbow, ankle and collarbone), and that’s what matters most.

A New Year, A New Word

Happy New Year! I’m not one for resolutions as i worry about the pressure and unrealistic goals. But i do like traditions and ways to stay motivated. I benefit from having goals that guide me and keep me accountable to myself.

Each year, we chronicle our days and weeks. I usually write in a journal – it can be a quick note of gratitude or an exercise aligned with the moon cycle. As a family, we mark each week with a Memory Jar. I know there are a lot of traditions and rituals. So it helps to find ones that work for you.

If you have been thinking of something to do to chronicle your year, it’s not too late! I compiled a list of my favourites. Most of them are free apps or worksheets you can print and do to you heart’s content.

Here are some of them:

Practice You
This is my current journal and i am Loving it. It is beautiful, special and a great guide. I am using it daily, as a way to close my day. The writer also created a free Mapping workplan for 2018, that is based on this journal.

Many Moons
Another great journal and moon book. It comes in 6-month books and documents the major moon cycles of each month. The author did a wonderful job putting together some journal prompts and guides. The book covers things in your personal life, things from your past, goals for the future as well as things that are bigger than you – and connects us together.

The Desire Map and Core Desired Feelings
This is a great tool that helps you unpack some dreams and wishes you have, to make your life the way you would really like. I do the annual Core Desired Feelings/Word. Last year it was Breathe and i worked hard on it. It came in handy when my kids were testing my patience, and when i knew i needed time to myself to catch my breath. It’s still a work in progress, so it was a great intention to set for myself.

This year, my word is LOVE for myself, for my children (especially when they are testing my patience), quality time with my love, giving love to my village, and doing things i love. I am working on choosing love when my kids are getting me frustrated, and being more intentional with giving myself the love i give to others.

Unravel Your Year
I have down this workbook for 4 years now. It’s great, and time consuming. So commit to some time to yourself – a long bath, at a coffee shop, after kids’ bedtime for instance. It’s a nice lesson in giving ourselves the time we give others, and to slow down and reflect, pause and be mindful.

Permission Slip
We of course need to work on giving ourselves the same permission we give others – to be less then perfect and to be human. I love how Brene Brown speaks about this. You can actually write a permission slip as we got in school, and put it in your pocket as a reminder.

Mothering Arts has a great list of ideas to help your family reflect on the year that just finished. You can download the template and discuss your highlights some day this week. There are others online for sure, but i really appreciate the gentle approach of this one.

And here is a further great list of 11 things you can do as a family. It’s never too late to start a new tradition and to be intentional with your plans each year. It’s a mindful way of living your life as close to how you want to. Nothing is perfect, and we can still aim to have the life we want.

The 12 Days of Getting Through the Holidays in a Mindful Way

As parents we have a love-hate relationship with the holidays. December is a full month of visits, errands, chores, schedules, and to-do lists. Let alone the fun and joy we are supposed to be having. It can be hard pressed to find time to relax and truly have fun over the holidays.

This year, i plan to be a bit more gentle to myself. Most of the presents are done, i’m eating chocolate every night, and my partner and i are busy elves in the our workshop from 8:30 – 11:00 each night. I actually like that part of my day as it’s a guaranteed time where i get to be crafty and creative, and not thinking about ANYthing else. I’m reminded that sewing and knitting are activities that i do for myself as much as for my kids – the act of sewing is so methodical and meditative. And i’m sure readers who are knitters can agree to this as well.

In our family we do an Advent calendar where we fill each day with a fun or meaningful activity. Today, for example we are reading some new Winter and holiday books we picked up at the library. Yesterday was our kids’ Winter Concert at school so that was the Advent activity. Sounds easy enough, right? Since we are literally incorporating what we are doing in real life, i made the decision to make our Advent activities a bit more simple and streamlined. And still festive, so it’s a win-win.

I’ve been thinking about how to take pause each day so i can allow the holidays to linger. Similarly to how i wanted the summer to never end back in August. Since my Donut Donut is a seasonal thing, i noticed that my love for Hygge is a close second in the Winter months.
I have been honouring a reclamation of the Advent Calendar, to honour my Inner Witch. I love the focus on rocks and bones, flora, fawna and community. Each week leading up to December 25 honours one of these elements. My family lights a candle on the Sunday and places objects as anchors for the week. We have a Nature Table that is our alter for nature. The first week is rocks and bones so we share some of our own beloved items. We then add fresh flowers, animal figures each week. I created this tool to help you also create a ritual that works for you, to honour these weeks in a mindful and intentional way. You do not have to be Christian or religious to honour rituals like this, as it is a time to honour our own lineages, rituals, and Mother Earth.

In honour of the 12 days tradition, i’m sharing something with you each day to help you bring some joy, laughter, happiness, fun and rest in a mindful way – to yourselves and not just the rascals we love so dearly. Here is direct link that covers each day for you. Feel free to print it and use it as a guide or reference.

To get us started, today, for DAY ONE here are some sensual ways i bring hygge mindfully into my home for the holidays. Being mindful and incorporating hygge (Danish word for cozy) are great ways to slow down and take a moment to pause, and to breathe in what is literally right in front of you in the here and now.

Scent

We keep the Solstice tree up as long as possible – the smell of pine is such a relaxing and visceral response for me. The photo of the horses above is from the tree farm we got our tree farm at. While my kids were screaming in the car to go because we were NOT EXPECTING snow, i took a serene self-ful moment to myself. I also added 4 new candles to my evening ritual. I especially love these ones as there is a gift at the end of the candle. We also bake cookies for our neighbours each year for Solstice, and the smell of baked goods lingers for a few days.

Vision

Besides the aforementioned tree, we also add other festive decorations all over the house. The only rooms that are spared are the bedrooms. For me, i like the sacredness of my bedroom being grounded in itself. But, otherwise, i have fresh flowers, garlands, Nutcrackers, and other decorations all over. And i take pause to intentionally notice them, so that i’m not just rushing by each day.

My kids and i play a version of I Spy when we are out. I do it to help them understand mindfulness a bit better. When we are going to school, we look at the neighbourhood decorations. Our favourite version now is looking for 5 Santas, 4 pine trees, 3 holiday lights, 2 wreaths and 1 winter bird.

Sound

It could go without saying that holiday music can be the worst genre ever, but it also can bring up some sentimental and warm feelings. I did not grow up singing carols with my family, but music has always been a big part of my life. Now as an adult, there are definitely songs and artists that i can hear (and sing along with) daily. For me, Joni Mitchell’s River is a standard on my playlist.

Touch

I’m all about the fuzzy sweaters, warm beds, cozy blankets and scarves that this time of year calls for. Since i don’t have a fireplace at home, i jump at the chance when i can to feel the warm fire on my face. I guess that’s why i’m constantly knitting – i like that feeling in my hands too.

Taste

I have a rule to eat at least 1 chocolate each day, and this time of you the selection is bountiful, or limitless, depending on if you are a glass half-full gal like me. My kids live for hot cocoa, and we always add a few new teas to our repertoire. And stock up on warm adult drinks like port and hot toddies.

So, take a moment sometime today to see if you can connect with your 5 senses in a fun, festive and mindful way. Enjoy and take a moment to pause for yourself.