Category Archives: Blog

How to Companion Someone who is Grieving

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Birth, life, death….the 3 inevitable stages of life and yet the dying part is kept in the shadows of our collective experience. While we know it’s coming, we are so afraid of dying – our own death and of loved ones. So many people don’t know what to do when someone they know loses someone. We are not sure what to do as we may be afraid that thinking about their beloved makes them sad. I can assure you, they are already sad – being alone in it is much worse.

Where are the casseroles that everyone gets in movies?

I think people are hoping that i have moved on and don’t need to check in. For the most part, i am moving on because i have to. But that doesn’t mean i don’t want people to ask me how i am. I can be okay and still sad. And my sadness is proportional to the new grief i am experiencing.

I’ve also noticed that people assume that since time has given space to the newness of the loss that they don’t have to ask me how i am. I still only just lost my mom. It’s still the only news that is consuming me. It doesn’t matter that i am a therapist and trained to support others with their grief. I am a human who has experiencing a significant, life-changing loss. I need care as well. We all do.

When i reflect on these last 3 months, i have noticed both what i needed and what i didn’t get. I can’t help but keep track of what disappointed me. I think that’s the learner in me, the human experience researcher. The biggest learning is that i want people to acknowledge the loss of my mom. The biggest hurt is when people (who definitely know) and have not said anything to me in person. Not saying anything hurts way more than just saying “how are you doing these days.”

Trust me on this one.

I first learned of the terms ‘companion’ and ‘holding space’ from Amy Wright Glenn, who credits Alan Wolfelt for this. I love how these terms really do capture what is needed when someone is grieving. With that in mind, here are some of my take-aways:

companion

1) Sit with Them as They Grieve
We are not meant to carry these feelings alone. We need to know that someone is holding us. Don’t be hesitant to reach out. People who are grieving don’t always want to do it alone. In fact, as grief is based on the loss of a relationship, it is relationships that help heal. This is what it means to ‘hold space’ and companion someone.

Ask them stories about their loved one; tell them stories about your own experience (of loss, or if you knew the person); help titrate the hard feelings with stories about everyday life. Be there with them as they cry.

There is no right way to grieve. Don’t assume they’re doing okay just because time has moved on or that they are presenting as okay. There can be a cognitive dissonance when it comes to being okay. Don’t ask “how are you,“ try instead with saying “I was thinking of you.”

Being able to laugh is as important as being able to cry.

Being able to talk about it is as important as taking a break from thinking about it.

Don’t try to keep joys apart from tragedy or pain. Let them co-exist and forge ahead with feelings of joy and heartache – choose the beauty over the rain. Their sadness is a testament that what they are grieving is important to them. This may be hard for you to relate to if you haven’t experienced this type of loss. Instead think of your own meaningful relationships, or the one that they have lost. This is a reflection of what was meaningful and special to them and it is not longer.

“The way i see it, if something makes you sad when it ends, it must have been pretty wonderful when it was happening.” William to Rebecca, This is Us

2) Hug and Hold Them
Hugs are a catalyst of helping people to release the feelings of sadness. They also help grievers feel less alone. They truly help people feel comforted.

Other things that are similar to hugs are flowers, books, playlists, ready-made food, cards, donations in their name, and send texts to check in.

Social support should include rest and comfort, a break from the grief so that we can titrate feelings.

“We are all just carrying each other home” Ram Das
Not saying anything at, especially the first time you see them after the loss, is definitely the WRONG thing to do

3) Companion Them
While the concepts of companioning someone and holding space for them are interconnected, the subtle shift is in the action. When we hold space, that means we are staying with them in their moment of sorrow; when we are companioning them, we are on the journey with them to heal and are more active in the path.

Martín Prechtel writes poignantly on grief work in his book from The Smell of Rain on Dust: Grief and Praise:

“Grief expressed out loud for someone we have lost, or a country or home we have lost, is, in itself, the greatest praise we could ever give them. Grief is praise, because it is the natural way love honors what it misses.”
Invite them to events and activities. Don’t take it personally if they say no. Keep inviting and offering. Help them to re-enter world. Give them time and help by reminding what they love to do and can do now.

Remember their loved one’s name and when they died. Dates like this really matter.

In my last journal article, i shared this: “we are not meant to grieve alone. We are grieving the loss of someone we loved. We grieve what matters so need community to companion us as community is what helps us heal.”

4) Check in Often
Don’t just check in once, do it repeatedly; Put together a meal train and have a team so you can take turns.

A lot of us may assume that there’s someone else who’s doing this for the person who’s grieving. In our society right now, chances are there isn’t that person or village. Don’t assume others are doing it already – assume that it’s helpful to reach out. Just show up.

5) Take Time to Learn about Death
Because it is an inevitable part of life, we need to better prepare for its end. Think about what you would need, when you are faced with a loss. One of the things that has touched me the most is when friends and acquaintances alike have reached out with a resource that helped them in their grief. If you are looking for helpful books and resources, here are a few:

*Being Here, Human; a program for grief literacy
*Motherless Daughters and Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman
*Julia Samuel, Grief Works
*David Kessler Finding Meaning: The 6th Stage of Grief
*It’s Okay that You’re Not Okay – the title says it all!
Orphan Wisdom
Pema Chodron’s words have been an ever-present companion
*Amy Wright Glenn’s book Holding Space: On Loving, Dying and Letting Go as well as her work at The Institute of the Study of Birth Breath Death
*Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser

I am Now a Motherless Daughter: A Club i did not sign up for

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My mom died recently. It’s beyond words to have such a loss happen. While a part of me knew that it would come eventually, none of us were prepared for it to be so soon and so sudden.

Having my own personal experience with loss and the grief that is tethered to it has been an awakening. I don’t love all the new insights i have found and yet they have been transformative.

For instance, i see more clearly just how scared we are of death. It is not the death itself but how to hold the feelings that come with it. It reminds us that our own end is inevitable and that feelings that are messy and raw will be attached to it.

We are left alone to grieve. On the other side of life, we celebrate birth and rebirth – we have customs and rituals for rites of passage like the birth of a new being, graduation, getting a new job. In death, while we have rituals, they are still left to do in the shadows of the day. People may come to an event and then leave us alone in the aftermath.

They say grief is a type of trauma. While not all grief is trauma, all trauma has grief: Of what didn’t get to happen. Some grief is trauma because a person may die unexpectedly, in a painful way. Too quickly.

Like my mom.

We were just starting to see each other more, after 2 years of playing it safe for her. We were just starting to talk about sleepovers for the kids, and adventures to do together. I have been doing my own inner work and healing and was planning to reach out to know more about my ancestral line, my Family Tree and all the recipes and rituals of my heritage.

Those dreams are not dashed away with her ashes. There is so much regret there, in that grief and loss.

I have never lost someone close and important to me. When i was told my mom died unexpectedly, i was leaving to pick up my sister from the airport so that we could be with my mom. We were on our way to visit her together. I don’t think i will ever forget the scream that came out of my body when i was informed of her passing. I remember collapsing on the floor and my partner’s hesitant understanding of what i had just heard.

I went into auto-pilot and feel like it’s been that way since. As the eldest daughter, one who is trained to hold others’ grief and support them, it fell on me to do that for my family. No one stepped in to help guide us and hold space for us. No one offered companionship in what was needed to be done, or how to do it.

We had to learn each step on our own.


Ways to Care for Yourself after a Death
I don’t wish that for anyone. So, i wanted to share a few observations with you now, as a possible resource for when you lose someone. Because you will – death and loss are an inevitable experience for us all.

1) Get Help
We are still figuring out what help we need. But we need help to be fed and calls to make. We need help to distract us and to hold us when we cry. Ask a friend who you know has experienced a loss who may be able to help put you in the right path. Find a friend who will provide you the support you need.

Think about reaching out to a Grief Expert. That can be a Death Doula or companion, a grief therapist or group, a Wills lawyer, or even some of the many books out there. Like this one, I’m Dead, Now What. I’m also reading Finding Meaning, and am so grateful for the work of Amy Wright Glenn, who i have trained with several times.

I’ve been taking this training with Janina Fisher and am so grateful for its timing. It’s serving as a guide for me in a way that helps me make sense of things, when so much doesn’t right now.

We are not meant to grieve alone. We are grieving the loss of someone we lived. We grieve what matters so need community to companion us as community is what helps us heal.

2) Take Time to Honour Your Loved One
My family doesn’t have any rituals for death to honour, so my sister and i found ways to do it for ourselves. We created rituals that felt right and meaningful for us.

For instance, my sister and i carefully, lovingly, and thoughtfully put together what my mom would wear when she was cremated. We also put together a care package for her journey into after-life. She did this a lot for us, so it was fitting we would pay her back and honour her this way. We collected things that were meaningful and important for her – her reading glasses and a notebook for her thoughts and ideas, a favourite book, some yarn and knitting needles, letters from us and photos of us all. We also included some crystals and lavender to help her be cared for.

While this was a big emotional task for us, it was also so cathartic to honour her this way. It gave me a place to put my feelings, and to show her the love i was not always able to display.

3) Keep Talking to Her and About Her
I think people are afraid to ask us how we are, not just because it can bring up our sad feelings, but also because it is a fear of needing to hold us in them. And yet, it is so helpful to have a space to unpack our thoughts. That is what Holding Space is – and not everyone can do it. I want people to ask me about her. I want to talk about her, even if it makes me sad. It reminds me that even though she is gone, my thoughts and memories of her are still ever present.

That’s why i’ve come to chat with her. A give her a simple hello, or “Good morning” Mom.” Ironically, i know she wanted that more in life, so i guess i am trying to make up for that now. It helps to hold my grief in a more softer way. Seeing things that remind me of her are quite hard and yet also wonderful, as they keep me tied to her.

4) Take time for Pleasure
This may feel selfish or counter what we are told about grief. As we know that grief is tied to trauma and our nervous system, it is so important to titrate the hard feelings and stay in your Window of Tolerance. That’s why i kept my special date with my partner. I wanted to have a place to soften, and stay present in the here and now. That’s why the fresh flowers we get in ritual are so healing. They may forever be connected to the loss (i’m afraid of seeing peonies next year) and they help us see something beautiful right here right now.

So, make sure to take time to laugh a little, indulge in a gift for yourself, savour a glass of wine or chunk of chocolate. That is doing your body and healing process a favour, i promise.

5) Hold your Feelings

Just because you’re sensitive that doesn’t mean you’re not strong

The difference between holding your feelings versus holding in your feelings is where the healing starts or stops. When we keep them in, we start to feel more sorrow and suffering. That dance of feelings keeps us tethered to the loss in a way that does not honour our own place in the world. We grief what we loved. So we need to come back to feeling what was loved. It does not serve us to keep them in – we need to let ALL our feelings be felt and seen. This is the hardest part of grief – we don’t know how to hold some of these harder emotions. One place i start is to name them and see what my body needs in relation to the feeling. If i’m sad, i let the tears out. If i’m angry, i scream or dance really fast. If I’m lonely, i reach out to a friend.

If any of these tips is hard for you to put into practice, that is the place to start. I think it serves us to start to prepare for loss long before it shows up at our door. My own inner work was not enough – i had just started to tell people about my mom’s health and my worry of losing her. I wish i added the parts of what i need to care for me.

Another way that i hold my feelings is by writing. As a Narrative Therapist, i treasure this part of me. Here is what i wrote to my mom and for her when i said goodbye.

Motherless Mother: In My Own Words
My mom was so much more than my mom. And yet I think her role and identity as Mom is what shaped her life.

Her new role of grandmother was probably one of her favourite parts of who she was. And she was more than a grandmother.

She was a chemist and knew so much about herbs, plants and the science behind them as healers. Her thumbs were the greenest I’ve seen.

She’s creative – she could knit anything and had such a beautiful eye for detail in her paintings.

My mom has such a gentle soul and yet such a fierce spirit. She’s been through more than anyone needs to be in a lifetime. And yet she also fought for what she wanted. She chose to go through those adventures with an open heart.

My mom was more than just my mom and yet she’ll always be my mom. I’m so grateful for her guidance and love. I’m the mom I am because of her.

She gave her all to us so that we could live our best life. She martyred herself in how much she devoted her life to her family.

While I’m still in disbelief that she is gone, I know in my bones that she wanted to let go before she become a bother. Even in her last days, I think she was thinking of us. I also love that this was her last bit of control, choosing death over a long painful last chapter.

The woman who died was not my mom
She was a woman who needed peace in her body
My mother was magic:
She was a beautiful soul
She was complicated and strong
Brave and vulnerable
Creative and a collector
Gentle and fierce
And under it all, it was all love

I will miss my mom when
I see hummingbirds
I hear rain hit the glass windows at the cottage
I need a hug
I eat Burek and crave Ijvar and poppyseed strudel
I reach for a tissue or hard candy
I lean in to smell my peonies

I will miss her when
I put my hand out of the car and feel the breeze
i see catch the rainbows in the sky or when they dance on the floor
i am curling up with a good book
i need guidance with how to mother my children
i am planting in the garden
i am knitting
I want to tell her about something i’m proud of at work
i set the table for our gatherings

“There is a wild woman under our skin who wants nothing more than to dance until her feet are sore, sing her beautiful grief into the rafters, and offer the bottomless cup of her creativity as a way of life. And if you are able to sing from the very wound that you’ve worked so hard to hide, not only will it give meaning to your own story, but it becomes a corroborative voice for others with a similar wounding.” Toko-pa Turner

My mom is now with the wild women, the wise women that guide us. May she rest now and be my wise woman from beyond.

Thanks Mom for your love and care, your commitment and the foundation that you created for us. You are now a child of the universe and i will forever seek your guidance.

The Ever-Changing Growth and Development of Children

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My daughter’s class is about to start their lesson on puberty at school. I know this because she told me and the teacher sent a heads up letter. So I was able to look through the curriculum and appreciate some of the topics. It covers themes from anger management and stress reduction tools, healthy relationships and learning more about how the body works.

This info is not new to her. At 10, she already knows about puberty, menstruation and how her body will change soon. Her body is already changing – she has small breast buds, tiny new armpits hairs, and a new awareness about herself. We’ve had some great chats at home about the body and how it works. Both of my kids know what menstruation is, and what i use when i bleed each month. We have talked in child-friendly ways about abortion. Read this old journal article to get a sense of this. We use the ‘proper’ terms for all the body parts. And now we are entering that territory where it’s not just theory and information but actual embodied understanding of it.

My son is on the cusp of puberty. He’s grown in all directions this year, and his body is changing before my eyes. I have never been a 12-year old boy and yet i know I’m the adult in his life who will talk about this the most. Sure his dad will play a key part (especially about wet dreams and how to take care of his penis), and i know we will have talks about relationships.

Because we already do. Because this is an example of how I work as an matricentric feminist. Motherhood is a Hero’s Journey. It is a shapeshifting alchemy that forever changes us, hopefully for the better. But the change it gives us is inevitable. This beautiful book by Lisa Marchiano has been keeping me company these past several months. In it, she shares fables and stories of the sea change impact of motherhood on her clients and herself. She also uses the analogies of old traditional fables to help us see that this is a universal journey.

It’s going to me who shapes his understanding about how to be a good friend and partner, and how to be comfortable in his body and find was to access pleasure. Not because i’m a mom and woman and this typically falls on us to do, but because this is a big part of my work and life’s mission.

My passion is to help others attune to their body and embody their pleasure, from an embodied place.

I can’t wait to have my daughter talk about this more fully as well. I was 9 years old when i got my period for the first time. It was the summer before grade 5 and i had no idea what it was. I thought i hurt myself outside while playing in the backyard. In grade 6, there were a couple of girls who had it and we were already started to form mini breasts. I have known most of my life the power (aka attention) i get for my breasts alone. For many years, it felt more like an alien invasion.

Now that my daughter is 10, she’s older than when I first started my menstrual experience. We can’t wait to celebrate the transition into puberty. She told me how she and her friends were talking about being embarrassed about this transition and I heard her tell them that she knows I will be honouring it with a rite of passage celebration.

It’s important to tell our children about this important step in their journey in life. For me, this especially honours the journey towards womanhood. So we need to tell them your war stories around bleeding through your pants and explain the changes that happen in the body. We need to prepare them and also be there for those stories of their own.

I now feel connected and proud of my body as i have journeyed to a place where i am aligned with my feminine side and connected to it. For many years, the feminist in me went through many iterations – i was unsure what kind of feminist i was, and mainly how i dressed to showcase this identity.

One thing we’ve done as a family is normalize this as much as anything else in their lives. We have books and regular conversations. We watch shows and have a great dinner time conversations. This is a work in progress and i wholeheartedly believe that we do not have just one talk about ‘the birds and the bees.’ Rather we have several over time, and again and again as our kids get older and can take in more.

Speaking of books, here are some that I have found to be really great and wish they were around when I was experiencing this transformation. My kids keep some right beside their bed. And i have totally caught them reading them. In a good way, of course, not in a shaming way. That is so important to me. The puberty books i knew of as a kid were hidden away, and i could never ask my mom to read them.

*Sex is a Funny Word – i can’t wait to read the newest one by Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smythe!
*Celebrate Your Body and It’s Changed: The Ultimate Puberty Book for Girls
*It’s Perfectly Normal
*Puberty is Gross but also Really Awesome

I was already planning to write this article. Now i had to finish it. The timing of it is magical: Now the States have decided to possibly not allow abortion. These are conversations I’ve had with my children. In fact I also spoke to my son last week how I felt about this decision. He heard it and we had a pretty inspired conversation about it.

Learning about puberty, sex and body autonomy is so important. We cannot let anyone in power dictate what is true and real about our bodies, and what it is our right. My kids may be a bit embarrassed and yet they still come to tell me. That is the path i wanted to create for them.

Coming out of the Covid Cave

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Now that it is April, it feels fitting to look at how this next season can help us move forward from these past two years. I love how the seasons offer a rightful place for contemplation and compassion for what is. Just like planting seeds in our gardens, so too are we planting seeds of hope for this next stage of our life. Spring is a perfect time to plant intentions versus be reactionary.

I am coming out of my own Inner Winter, alongside a long Winter in Toronto. I cannot claim that Covid is over (far from it), but i do trust that my place of hiding is not serving me anymore. This may be a bit early to share, and yet i have been sitting with this need to shift for some time.

I have noticed that the longer i sit in my Protective Cave, the harder it is to come out of it. I have created rooms within it, to keep myself busy and be distracted. This has only benefited my fear of being restless or bored, so that my mind does not wander. And yet, i always encourage the people i support in my therapy practice to not bypass the big hard feelings.

As a mental health practitioner, it is not lost on me that my own mental health was challenged these last two years. I may be a therapist, one skilled in trauma, and yet i too am a human experiencing a global pandemic. As Covid continued to wreak havoc on our communities, we experienced other secondary impacts of this collective trauma. Family violence, sexual assault, racist acts, depression, anxiety and suicide all increased. Unhealthy coping strategies increased and a lot of us started to numb out. Our most vulnerable community members’ health was threatened even more. We turned inward because we were taught that being around others was not safe, that sharing meals was too dangerous.

Staci Haines is a somatic therapist and trainer, who works from an intersectional lens. She wrote the book Healing Sex which has been a longstanding resource for me, in how i support sexual assault survivors. Her latest book The Politics of Trauma, Staci shares that the 3 most important pillars for healing are having an embodied sense of Safety, Belonging, and Dignity

We are not meant to heal in isolation, in fact our body’s Automatic Nervous System has a Social Engagement System built in. Thanks to the work of Polyvagal Theory, we know understand more how we heal in community, in co-regulation and compassion. To be clear, i’m not ready to jump back without a mask and kiss strangers, but i do want to start being in community again.

We faced hard truths about our relationships, as well as how painful the feeling of loneliness is.

Crises are experiences of accelerated growth, for better or worse. They can be transformation points that inspire opportunities for change. We are supposed to adapt, grow and transform – through trauma and life in general: We need help to get through it.

While this may be true, it is also hard to re-enter life in a fully expressed way now. Who are we now? Are we Better than Before? Have we regressed? Kind of like in Bridgerton, when a scandal befalls a family they need to push through and present themselves at the Promenade Park. (Clearly, watching the latest season in a week has left a mark on me.)

This is our time to walk at the park.

Think of yourself living in a cocoon. Maybe you are still wrapped up in its comfort. Or maybe you were also restless to get out and start that next shift of metamorphosis. Where are you in this change?

Or maybe you’re like the serpent, the snake that is shedding old skin that no longer serves you. Back in October, i shared more about this concept of shedding old skin, under the lens of adjusting to motherhood. The analogy fits here as well

I want to be clear that a global pandemic is not the time to intentionally work on self-development, and yet we are inevitably changed by this experience. What we can do is reflect on who we are now, and what we want to keep or discard based on this experience.

One of the biggest things i have noticed is that true rest is paramount for my health. My physical health as well as other parts of wellbeing. My mental load is more manageable when i’m rested. My body is more resilient. My emotional barometer is more regulated, and i have more capacity to honour my spiritual and social rituals.

The opposite of Rest is Restlessness

I was listening to a powerful episode of Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us. In it, she was speaking to her guest who challenged Brene to reframe her feeling of being restless, instead of getting to true boredom. It is with boredom that our mind and body is fully rested. It is being in this space that allows our soul space to be creative. This is the sweet spot we are looking for. Rest that is truly restorative is what helps build our capacity and ability to handle adversity. While it may need to be curated for each person, it is the felt sense of calm and regulation that we are looking for. So, for me, it was discovering that being outdoors and co-regulating with nature heals me. Taking breaks from social media and screens also gives me a mindful pause. Laughter and play are also key for my soul to get the belly ache that has been missing for too long.

I’m noticing that when i give myself true rest and foundational self-respect rituals, it is then that i can really appreciate the bigger acts of self-care and compassion. For instance, a bath or glass of water, a meal or sleeping well should be seen more for the Hierarchy of Needs foundation that they are – the respect we give ourselves for merely being alive. In fact, Staci Haines 3 principles of healing are including in this model – starting with feeling safe, than establishing a felt sense of belonging with others. And then, finally embodying dignity.

The acts of self-love and care are what enhance our life, so that we can live the life we love and make it meaningful. It’s the shift from eating a meal for lunch at my desk to going for a walk outside and giving myself an intentional pause from work. I come back feeling more refreshed and present. I also come back with more capacity after tending to my other parts, so that i can keep going.

Covid took this from me.

I was working at a community mental health agency in March 2020. I worked with colleagues and saw others in person every day. While at times i wanted to hide in my office so i could be alone with my thoughts, most days what really helped me was being in community. I relished that shared pot of coffee in the morning. I loved seeing others on my walk or bike ride home.

Pivoting to working from home and a computer made me feel safe, most of the time, but it was at the expense of my wellbeing and full expression of me. I discovered just how much i am extroverted and thrive in shared space.

This sense of community extends back to our oldest matrilineal lines. These were the times when we cried, ate, or sang together. Growing up, i loved taking dance classes with others. These communal experiences of shared delight alchemizes a sense of being at home.

I am ready to embrace and be embraced, despite the slight anxiety I feel.

Francis Weller says: “The strategies of the wound are isolation and withdrawal. It’s a form of hiding or absenting yourself from the encounter. Sovereignty is a gathering of one’s self together. And only the adult can hold the ground of sovereignty. The wounded part of us is not interested in sovereignty, it’s interested in survival. From that sovereign place our work is to bring compassion to those wounded territories, and help to ripen them up, over time, so they can more greatly tolerate the contact that intimacy offers to us”

This passage really resonates with me because that is why I stayed home and went into my dark winter cave. My wounded part was in control, so that she kept me safe. Now the push is to be vulnerable so i can increase my capacity to be intimate with others. I have already been intimate with myself, this is what i’ve done these last 8 months. Now i want to be intimate with loved ones and family and my beloved.

It’s easy to forget what we truly need, when the world is a dumpster fire, full of garbage and the push to hustle. That’s why it’s even more important to not forget what self-care is for you. We need to remember the resources that nurture you.

My biggest observation from these past 2 years is that i hate the word hustle, and i have come to despise the act of DOing at the expense of my wellbeing.

I’ve been working on reclaiming the felt sense of just BEing. Instead of jumping into the push to DO. It is my own way to decolonize the capitalist system in my own life. Let me be that goddess just being still and listening to the mockingbird sing outside my window. So BE it if my family catches me in the act.

We have taught ourselves to be really good at playing the Game of Life. You now, it’s where we move from one task to another, and keep adding to our list of achievements or success. We may have a never-ending to-do list and feel guilty for slowing down, reading a book for pleasure, or watching all of Inventing Anna in 4 days. I know i have been taught to internalize that idea of worthiness when i complete a task and check it off my list. And yet, we can’t continue to be in this space of DOING all the time.

I think that the sensation of BEing is the opposite of DOing. There isn’t focus on the outcome but rather the sense of being right here right now. It isn’t about being productive. This is a more feminine aligned value, vs the toxic masculinity we have been taught for decades. I am here for that. The ancient value of feminine energy has been put into our collective shadow, as a way of making us believe our worth is tied to our career or financial success.

Even in a global pandemic, during war, and other atrocities against communities, we are taught to push through and show our worth based on our accomplishments.

The opposite of trauma is titration. So we need to start this healing process and reclamation in small, doable steps so that our body does not feel overwhelmed by this effort to jump back in. This article offers some practical suggestions to help soothe yourself when out in the public world these days. This New Yorker article also reflects what life is like now in this psuedo-post-Covid world.

We need to move into Self energy, this is what heals the Parts of us that have come online to protect us from Covid. For me, i am in Self when i am in nature, being creative or playing. It is when i feel calm and confident, when i have clarity and compassion. My Manager Part and Firefighter have been on duty 24/7 and they need a break. We need to come back home to our Self.

How to Move Forward with Grace
Here are some things to put into place:

*Schedule a non-negotiable daily ritual for yourself
*Create a peaceful space
*Try something new just for fun – have a Beginner’s Mind
*Be Creative
*Move your body
*Plan a time to allow yourself to just BE
*Find your Village

It might be too soon to get around the value put on DOing. It helps to instead focus on doing small things frequently and spending more time in the place of Being. These are tiny experiments that can help you track if they feel risky for you. For instance, find the tiny moments and things that make you feel like YOU. It is a bit of a journey back to us as we want to be.

I learned that our brain relishes coupling hard moments with compassion. Ask yourself “What do I need in this moment?” And even more imperative – respond to that need. Combine something you have to do with something that nurtures you. Perhaps you need to go grocery shopping, so maybe call a friend or treat yourself to fresh flowers.

See if you can practice more BEing moments: These are the moments of just being present in the here and now. Be still, pause. Breathe and soak in the moment without needing an outcome. If that seems hard, find ways to practice mindfulness – play a new song that you enjoy and truly listen to its lyrics. Eat a fruit salad with your eyes closed and see if you can differentiate the flavours from one another. You might sit at the window and watch what is happening outside. Maybe you go for a walk without ear buds in and no plan. When you enter into this space, practice being curious about what shows up for you. Is it hard? Do you feel the urge to push? Bring acceptance to this experience and see if you can let it go.

This is my time to start my ascent from the dark, from that underworld journey. Want to join me?

Healing Attachment Wounds

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Last month, i shared what Attachment Theory is, via the model of the show This is Us. I may have left you hanging with some thoughts (and possible worries) about your own attachment style. If that did leave you in limbo, i’m sorry. I also hope it motivated you to go to some links and resources to learn more about this body of work. This quiz is a great place to start to learn what your main Attachment Style is. Ironically, how we wait for support (or anything) is a sign of our Attachment Style.

This month, i’m back with some follow-up suggestions to share.

For one thing, i think it’s key to know that our attachment style is not permanent – it can be altered, repaired and heal. We also can have secure attachments with someone, and not so secure with others. In fact, there is a term for when we become securely attached – ‘Earned Secure.’ This is when we may have faced adversity in our childhood, and have become secure now, through therapy or loving relationships. This is because our attachment style is a state, not traits in us that remain stagnant. So, strategies can help us become more secure in our relationships.

There is hope yet.

In order to talk about healing our attachment wounds, we need to also check in about our boundaries. Did you know that both overly rigid boundaries AND permeable ones are responses to the same thing? Yup, it is connected to our earlier insecure attachment style: There was once a time when we didn’t feel safe, so we needed to self-protect.

The rigid boundaries and walls we make to keep people out as well as the people-pleasing response (or fawning) are both powerful adaptive strategies to feeling alone and scared.

While rigid walls were helpful as a child, they becomes an issue when we no longer need to be protective in present day relationships. It’s in our relationships now that those old tendencies and protective strategies can actually interfere with meaningful and deeper connection with others.

Fawning, self abandonment and rigid boundaries are all related to our nervous system’s need for survival, due to developmental or relational trauma and attachment wounds.

Speaking of which, i also want to point out that a relationship rupture is not the same as attachment wounds. We can make mistakes in our relationship, and repair them. Like if we forgot we agreed to something, or we are stuck in a rut. What makes it a deeper wound is when the rupture brings up old wounds that are steeped in attachment, abandonment and rejection. Or the incident is a betrayal of trust in the relationship.

Dan Siegel came up with the 4 S’s of Secure Attachment. While it’s geared for adult-child (parent/caregiver to child) relationships, it can be translated to any relationships. In order to feel SAFE, SEEN, SOOTHED and SECURE in relationship with someone else, our internal system needs to include physical security AND a felt security. If you want to learn more about his approach, here is an article with Tina Bryson, his co-author.

This is why there is a connection to our survival responses of Fight Flight Freeze Fawn and our attachment styles. A rapid flight/fight response in avoidant people sees others as a threat. So their nervous system brings out their Protectors. Avoidants do not rely on external supports but rather trust the handy work of their own Inner Firefighters.

So, what do we do? Here are some helpful strategies that may be supportive:

A) Attunement
Attunement is about signals: In order to know how we feel with others, we need to first know in ourself what we need. This takes some inner reflection and interoception work. One place to start is to learn what your triggers are. Ask yourself some questions like: What happens in your body when you feel abandoned or lonely? What emotions are being signaled? What are you saying to yourself about yourself at the time? When we can have this felt sense of self-awareness, we can follow through with the right remedy or resource to self-soothe or reach out for connection. What helps you personally – does swaying (a movement that mimics being swayed or rocked as a baby or in utero). Does going for a walk in nature help? What things help you feel more calm and centred? When we intentionally ask ourself what we need in a given moment AND act on it, that is healing attachment wounds in the here and now. When we can do this for ourselves, it makes it easier to ask others to meet our needs and trust that they will.

We have a human Need to attune, to our Self and others.

B) Be Seen and Belong
Gordon Neufeld speaks about the need of an Attachment Village. It is imperative to be seen as an individual and be loved in community for who we are. Think of someone in your life that helps you feel safe, soft and seen. We need only one other being that we feel seen by, so a village can start with just 2 members.

Stephen Porges (of Polyvagal Theory) calls this resource finding your Super Co-Regulator. It can be a maternal figure, or a cherished friend. What they do is emit a neuroception of calm and rest. They emit a “Social Releaser” from their body energy; something that releases in our bodies in social connection with others. The key is in their tone of voice, their compassion, and kind facial expression. It happens with socially engaged creatures similar to birdsong – when birds call to each other, or when wolves howl to each other in the night.

This can be challenging when our avoidant Island style has made it hard to be vulnerable and meet new people. So start first with gentle efforts like saying hi to other participant’s in your yoga class, or talk to other parents while waiting to pick up kids after school. Or maybe sign up for that pottery or Tarot class you have been wanting to make. Then reach out and say hi to another participant. Ask them to go for coffee after class. Swap social media contacts. I know it’s hard to make friends as adults – trust me!

“The infant and young child should experience a warm, Intimate, and continuous relationship with (their) mother (or permanent mother substitute) in which both feel satisfaction and enjoyment” (italics are mine to reflect inclusive language) ~ John Bowlby

C) Co-Regulaton fosters Connection
Co-regulation is an awareness of someone else’s experience and responding to it. Even the most securely attached relationships are attuned only 30 to 50% of the time. We can miss the bid for connection. What helps is to repair the damage caused (especially within 48 hours of it happening). For instance, think of when baby has hunger cries and the caregiver responds with nourishment. The baby’s interoception of hunger is validated, and their social engagement system is regulated. Our basic need for safety is having a felt sense of interoception.

Mentalization is the term for the effort the mind makes, the ability to understand actions by others and oneself in terms of thoughts, feelings, wishes, desires. It is about seeing ourselves from the outside and others from the inside : ‘back and forth, back and forth – the ability to see ourselves in another, and another in ourselves, is the gift of a loving relationship”

A high pain tolerance is not always a good thing – our distress in others can be due to developmental trauma, when we could not rely on others when wounded, hurt, or needing care. Similarly, it’s hard to reach out when our internal world feels sacred, whereas the external one carries shame; shame is an attachment wound and it thrives in isolation. So asking for helps is especially vulnerable or triggering.

Connection Bids help us feel seen and connected to others. John and Julie Gottman first came up with this practice. Also, one great complement to bids is to learn how to communicate effectively, as this is a key component in helping get what we want.

You know that feeling you get as you put on your favourite cozy sweater? That’s what co-regulation with an attachment figure, feels like for a child” ~ J. Milburn

D) Mutual Delight
One of the benefits of healthy relationships are the shared delight in an experience. While we want to feel secure in the relationship when we are apart (i.e. due to work trips, living apart, spending time with separate friend groups), we also need to feel that shared delight in doing things together. These moments of mutual delight are catalysts for tender feelings for each other, as well as building memories of stored good and gentle experiences together. When people spend time together doing things that are enjoyed, each member can feel a sense of belonging. This is crucial for building secure attachment.

I think this is why the pandemic has been so hard on relationships – couples, families, friends and colleagues. We have been kept apart and being together still feels scary or awkward. I think our attachment styles have been threatened with this collective trauma. It helps to start small, with something that is an easy delight. Maybe an ice cream date, or a shared meal at a favourite restaurant.

I love a good acronym as a resource. It helps my brain keep the info on hand. Jessica Fern’s book Polysecure has a great tool called HEARTS. Each letter represents a different practice that helps us build secure attachment with others as well as ourselves: H is for being here and now; E is for expressed delight; A is for attunement; R is for rituals and routines: T is for turning towards each other after conflict; and S is for secure attachment with self.

“Regardless of the source of our vulnerability – internal or external – the conditions that satisfy our attachment system’s set goals are primarily internal. We have to feel Felt.” ~ Bethany Saltman

Let’s look at the 3 types of Insecure Attachment now and see if we can get a further understanding of their needs.

Anxious
As you can see from reading my previous article on attachment styles, as well as these GREAT RESOURCES, someone who lives with an Anxious Attachment Style can become preoccupied with pleasing others in order to fit in. What can show up is Toxic Positivity and people pleasing practices in order to have some connection. Anxiously Attached folx are hypoboundaried, meaning they do not have clear boundaries because they fear being abandoned. So they will be more willing to please and follow along to not threaten the separation. While this may sound familiar and also daunting, there are some great and gentle ways to help you repair this pull.

Heal Your Inner Child – you may be been parentified, a saviour, a taught helper. So spend time with reconnecting to your own Wounded Child Part. What does she need right now? How does she want to be loved? What ways can you play with her? One of my favourite exercises is getting creative with a craft activity from my childhood. How about making some beads with polymer clay, or maybe making slime. Put together a play list or watch a show from that time in your life. The key is to witness and nurture her.

When our Inner Child starts to feel loved and seen, the instinct to please others will not be as strong, because we are connecting with our Self. This will be especially helpful and reparative when it comes to dating, so that we don’t self-sabotage our own needs in order to remain in relationship. This article shares more about our how attachment still can impact our sexual relationships. Find ways to grieve what your Inner Child experienced and also ways to not continue the pattern in your adult self now.

Avoidant
Similar to the benefits of taking vitamins for our health, Contact Nutrition is the formula of helping us feel connected. I first learned this from Carmen Spagnola who studied with Diane Poole Heller. There are 5 vitamins to practice: Kind Eyes, Soft Voice, Safe Touch, In Tune Rhythm and Shared Meals. So, when you are starting to feel the pull away from someone, see if you can track their eyes, voice, or reach out and touch them. Try sharing a meal with them and track how your body feels in this communal ritual.

Another way to help stay regulated and centred when it feels too much is to self-soothing resources like Orient to the Space or Find Your Edges. Both are breath exercises that look at your space externally and internally. I love this resource when i am starting to feel overwhelmed in a busy space. I contact a painting or item and then find its edges. I breathe more intentionally, i sigh out a sense of relief and calm. Other steps are breathing out the sound of Voo (a resource from Peter Levine) or saying “I am Safe, I am Home” softly to yourself. This is how we soften our bodies so that we can stay with someone longer. People who have an Avoidant Attachment Style have hyperboundaries and are rigid because they fear becoming engulfed or enmeshed with someone else. So we are trying to thaw and self-regulate before falling into a Functional Freeze State.

It’s important to acknowledge here that when we talk about healing our attachment styles and relationships, i am NOT talking about staying in an abusive relationship or reconciling with someone who hurt you. The repair work can happen with other people. Self-Compassion work can be radical because it reminds you of your dignity and right to live free of fear of someone hurting you. It also means treating others with that same respect and care. It is about having grace for mistakes and learning that repair after ruptures are key ways to heal attachment wounds.

“Self compassion is a Practice of building a secure attachment for the first time” ~ vania sukola

DisorganizedIf you have experienced family violence or partner abuse, it may seem hard to think of someone who has been a support to you. It may feel challenging to trust someone again. One resource that can be helpful is to create one. This is a Competent Protector (something i also learned from Carmen). Have you seen any of these old movies when a doll, mannequin or statue comes to life? It’s a bit like that. While similar to a Recalled Resource or Attachment Village, this resources is one that is created and more of an internal resource. Think of what qualities or traits would be important to you. Think of consistent care examples in others that you know personally or have seen on TV. I also like to blend parts of people i admire or feel safe with and put them into this creation.

After creating this Protector, spend some time in their presence. Do a self-guided visualization and see what happens in your body. Place your hand over your heart and do some Vagal Breaths. In Narrative Therapy, there is a similar resource called the Recalled Resource. This is an intentional practice of recalling someone who was an example of a secure attachment, even if temporary. Maybe it was a teacher, or a family friend, or even your family pet or stuffie.

Speaking of which, if it seems hard to think of another human, don’t start with one – people can can be assholes. Instead, think of how you feel in community with a favourite tree, in a swing, or with your pet now. Some of my favourite Competent Protectors of being in the water (a lake or ocean especially) or sitting under the Full Moon.

One other way to work on healing this attachment style is to reach out to a therapist. This resource can help you feel more anchored and get to a felt sense of stability. Therapy sessions are not real life, so they are a great way to practice in vivo. This is especially powerful if a rupture happens with your therapist, and you can repair the therapeutic alliance in a safe way.

Attachment wounds happen in relationships so we need to heal in secure relationships in the present. The first steps are trusting we are worthy of right relationships, building our capacity to stay within our Window of Presence and take some risks.

You’re worth it.