Parts of a Mother

Posted on August 18, 2020 by Vania

My kids have been wanting to paint the walls. And not just figuratively, which they surely have been doing during this pandemic. They have been admiring the graffiti and street art in our city, and need to look no further than our own alleyway. Some artwork merits a smile and blush, others are thought-provoking, and some are eye-rolling.

We had the opportunity to fulfill this summer bucket wish last week. Our neighbour wanted to put her own tag on the wall and cover up some questionable artwork. So, luckily i was able to share with her that my daughter’s wish all summer was to use spray paint. What a good mom i am, right?

We were at the right place at the right time – paint in hand and ready to be accomplices, or rather apprentices, depending on your stance on graffiti art. I supervised the endeavour. I was happy to oblige my kids and a part of me was excited about the opportunity. And then i noticed the various parts of me that showed up alongside this joyful moment. Some were invited like the Good Mom. Others were a surprise like the Enforcer. And one happy surprise was the Inner Child who happily and tentatively held a bottle and made her mark.

After a while of being sous chefs, the kids were allowed to go wild and paint to their hearts content. They wrote lovely mantras like “love yourself” and “Me cool, you cool, we cool.” They were silly and they were in the moment. They were happy. And yet, i was surprised to notice my own voice barking at them, instructing them to not take up too much space. To not hog the space or take over. To not waste the paint. To not make a mess. I was able to notice it, and i apologized to the other adults whose project it was originally, to only notice later that who i needed to say sorry to was the kids because THEY weren’t doing anything wrong (and yes i know that graffiti is technically illegal). I felt guilty for them taking up too much space on the wall; i was directive and bossy and deferred to my neighbour as a way to people please – that other Part of me that gets exiled because i want to be assertive and confident, and yet she visits because i want to be liked and included. And like most of us, i have stories to tell from my youth of not fitting in and being bullied, and being afraid of conflict. I’m a work in progress too, and it’s taken years to notice that I withdraw from conflict and fawn to that person who is holding the reigns: It’s a safety survival reflex.

Internal Family System is a therapy modality that uses our parts of our Self that have become embedded in who we are. They are formed over our years of living our life, as tools to help us during a hard or scary moment. Typically, we have Manager, Fire Fighter and Exiled parts. We then have wounded parts that have become exiled and only show up when we are being triggered or if that part thinks we need their help. As a Feminist Therapist, i like to look at all these parts of my Self as my Archetypes – the Inner Goddess, Child, Warrior, Wise Woman, Apprentice, etc. Each of these has a role to play and our hope is that they get integrated into our true full Self, the person we are becoming and is our authentic wholeness. Think of your Inner Critic voice – from what Part do you think that comes from?

Our Parts are a bit different from the roles we play – i am a woman, partner, therapist, parent. I am also embodying all of these roles in my own unique way. For instance, let me take being a parent as a reference. In a given moment, my Perfectionist, the Inner Fraud, the Nurse, or maybe the Researcher or Governess shows up. Preparing my kids for school during a pandemic is definitely activating a few Parts so my Researcher hat is helping guide me. When i feel overwhelmed by my daughter’s messy room, my Perfectionist Part is kicked in gear. She’s there to try to help make sense of things and calm my nerves that get triggered by mess. It takes some time to notice what presents for you, and it can be helpful as it gives a way in to see what may need to change. When we notice the parts of us that show up in a harder moment, we get to engage in our own infrastructure. We also get to Reparent what is needed now, as well as what i needed back then.

Re-parenting my Self is a practice of self-compassion. And it’s indulgent because it is a way of building a secure attachment for the first time. We are working on meeting our need for nurturance and attention, sometimes for the first time. When we take time to learn how this looks for us, we are able to practice meeting our needs and getting to a place of a fuller, more happy life.

What are some parts you notice in you? What are some that you intentionally bring up to support you? Do you have an angry part that helps you when you need to address someone who’s being an asshole. Do you have an artsy side that helps you when you are stuck on something to wear? Name them – give them a voice so you can also talk back to them. These parts may need the same compassion your friends need. Thank them for trying to help you, remind them that you want to do try first and you well reach out to them if you need them. Send them a Dear John letter!

My journey to inner work is both one for myself as well as for the people i support. I’ve found such insight in books so i wanted to share some resources with you that may be helpful if you also want to learn more about Inner Parts work:
– Recovery of Your Inner Child by Lucia Capachhione, a renowned art therapist
– Parts Work: An Illustrated Guide to Your Inner life by Tom Holmes
– books by Richard Schwartz, Frank Anderson, or Bonnie J Weiss
– this lovely deck of cards that i use in sessions and for myself; sometimes i pull a card to help me reflect on how to channel or nurture that Part, or sometimes it’s a way for me to guide my day with intention.

How do you say hello to the possibly long forgotten Inner Child Part? Do you notice any glee or happy shriek in your body as you skip with a skipping rope, or catch bubbles, or play with clay? Taking a ride on “Party Island” at the cottage has always been a happy place for me, as it gets me back in tune with my Inner Pre-teen Surfer wanna-be.

During this pandemic, I’ve been intentionally saying hello to my own Inner Child. I had one mantra that guided me: Get outside, laugh and move my body every day. It has helped me get through the harder days. I’ve been doing crafts I love like macrame and drawing, dancing on my own, eating comfort food, napping, playing in water. Earlier on, we had sleepovers as a family and watched a lot of classic movie marathons. These moments are not to escape this reality but rather finding a way to slow down and notice what my body is needing to balance this scary time. It’s also a way to capture what supported me as a child when times were hard: Life goes on.

Perfectly Imperfect Summer Vacation

Posted on July 9, 2020 by Vania

Today marks the End of vacation mode for me. We were supposed to go to France the first 2 weeks of summer vacation, in honour of 20 years together with my partner. It was to be the first major trip for our family and the honeymoon I never had. While that’s not what ended up happening (thanks Covid!), we did a get an extended cottage break outside the city.

I’m not ready to go back to the city just yet. We’ve been away for close to 2 weeks and it’s been the break we all needed. It’s not France by any means and yet it was the remedy for some hard months.

Here are some of the things i will hold on to:

I swam daily, sometimes more than 3 separate times

I paddleboarded quite a bit and saw the bottom of the lake

I read 3 books while here and am onto book 4, #12 since the pandemic started

I found an abundance of new heart rocks to add to my collection

I saw my parents for the first time since February

I was creative – I sewed, played with clay, and knit a new summer sweater

I slept with my children, as we played musical beds as we would on a vacation

I had mindful moments watching butterflies 🦋

We had family time – in the water, which has always been our salvation, video games and we watched the whole first season of the new The Babysitters Club show

I lead my kids through some witchy classes to give them some routine

I saw the full moon and said hello to the stars most night

I sat in my beloved Donut Donut

That may sound like perfection, or at least an easy vacation. But of course, travel with kids is never that. Anywhere you go, life gets in the way.

Of course this time away wasn’t perfect and there are things I’m sad I never got to do. Maybe my expectations weren’t realistic, and some things were out of my control.

So….to keep it real:

Our yard in Toronto is a small square and we have so much green space here but we never went for walks in the forest.

I only did yoga once and only then because my back hurt too much so it was more for necessity

I never slept well until the last night

I didn’t journal once

My kids still had epic fights and there was some family yelling

I made a huge mistake in the romper I wanted to sew

My parents only stayed for a quick visit even though this is their space

We didn’t play any board games as a family, and we brought several from home

And I only read in the hammock once, because my kids needed me more and this time away was about attuning to each other.

I share both sides because we are prone to compare ourselves to others, making our side the deficit. I know I’m incredibly privileged to have access to an oasis during a heatwave. And ever, for that matter. I also know that I wasn’t able to truly relax into it. I worked still and so did my partner, still had to manage the kids needs, and the dishes were never ending.

One thing i noticed only in retrospect is that some of my expectations were of times past. So while realistic as a teen or twenty-something, now with young children of my own, going to the cottage means something else. I can definitely swim and read, but not for the hours of end i grew up doing. No wonder i was a bit disappointed – my expectation was just out of the realm of realistic.

This is every day life after all, pandemic or not. Vacations are just as imperfectly perfect as every day life and they don’t escape the “full catastrophe” of living.

My son is having a hard time holding on to any good moments. We review each day at bedtime, helping him notice that there were moments in the day that were good, even during a pandemic whhen his life was thrown upside down. I’m not suggesting to avoid the hard feelings, as I’m not a positivity cheerleader. And yet, when we can hold space for BOTH/AND experiences in our body, we allow more space for good feelings. This is Titration and helps heal us when we are going through hard things. It makes it easier to go through it when i know i can also feel good in a day, even for a few moments.

So, instead of focusing on the hard part of life, it helps to notice moments of joy. Our bodies can relax and get a handle on the hard. In a few weeks’ time, when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’m going to recall this time away. I’m going to sit and breathe in the sounds of the birds chirping, or the cool lake water on my feet, or the grass under me when i read a book. This intentional practice will let me body relax and sigh out a bit more.

I am a bit nervous about regular life as this summer looks so different than usual. So when i need a boost of joy, i will feel the sun on my body, some shared giggles and slowing down these past two weeks: I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

Working Together

Posted on April 10, 2020 by Vania

During times of crisis, we need connection not distance. In order to stay healthy, our minds and body need to feel safe. So, while we need to remain physically distance in order to flatten the curve of this pandemic, we still need ways to feel interconnected. We are social creatures as mammals. While we know with a rational mind that we need to be safe (in this case, from the Coronavirus), we also know we feel safer when in closeness to others. Our pack mentality needs to be comforted. Throughout our life, we keep trying proximity-seeking actions in order to access our social engagement system which helps connect with our parasympathetic nervous system. Things like facial expressions, orienting, eye contact, speaking, or crying are very helpful to engage this part of you. As babies, these cues were the indicators of how we could attach to our caregivers.

Our brain is made up of three different systems, the survival defence system that activates flight or fight in the amygdala, the social engagement system that helps us feel connection and attachment, and our drive system that helps us find meaning in our world.

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to unpack these systems here. Hopefully it may give you some insight as well as resources. Typically, our reptilian brain for Defense is talked about first. Today, I start with social engagement and connection as we are embarking on a long weekend and our usual rituals with family are not available to us.

For some of us, we are not feeling as impacted by the need to stay home, nor the threat response that comes in our body. I’ve heard from clients who are making endless piles of masks to donate and sell, some have reconnected with friends and are playing games online together, and others have noticed they are happily surprised to see how far their healing journey has come, as they are not as triggered by this event as they expected to be.

The Social Engagement System is our Attachment to others. This system helps us know we are not alone in our struggle, and also find comfort if we need support. Not all of us had healthy securely attached relationships with our caregivers when we were young. Not only can it continue into our adulthood, it also can be healed. In another post, I’ll share more about how our various attachment styles are being triggered by this pandemic.

Also, as a trauma therapist supporting people who have experienced gender-based violence and intimate partner abuse, we know that this pandemic in our lifetime can be even more risky. Sometimes the actions of reaching out to others help us feel connected but other times they can make us feel unsafe – like when we need to Fawn to appease the abusive person who we are stuck at home with 24/7. If you are unsafe at home, find some resources that can help you create a personalized safety plan like code names for friends or window pictures for neighbours to call 911.

Most of our proximity-seeking needs were established as young children (in our first 3 years of life actually). Depending on the attachment style that was formed in your childhood to your caregiver, our need for closeness can carry mixed feelings for some. When we have secure attachments from childhood, we are better able to tolerate frustration and disappointment when physical closeness is not possible. With the experience of being regulated and cared for, we are able to regulate ourselves when we are alone.

In this context of being socially and physically distant, it helps us to access our social engagement system by finding ways to be close to others. Regardless of our attachment style, we all need some access to others to help our bodies and brain find comfort. Some of us have daily contact with family, some of us work at home but have regular check-ins with colleagues. Some of us are not safe at home with their families. All of us have some resource that helps us feel connected, though. Research shows that social networking increases happiness, reduces stress, and promote longevity after all!

For instance, is there someone in your life, either now or in your past, who was a support to you. Did you have a dance teacher as a teen who was especially nurturing and ‘saw’ you for who you were, do you have a neighbour who you know by name and you can see them in your backyard daily? Was there a pet dog who sat in your lap whenever you were sad as a child?

If so, they are your Recalled Resource. Find ways to hold on to that felt sense of connection. What is your memory of their voice, or smell, their favourite shirt, how it felt to be cuddled by them?

Here are some journal prompts that may help you expand on this memory:
1) Write down a short story of a happy memory from your past where you Recalled Resource was with you. What were your doing together?
2) Imagine that person in the room with you right now. Take you time to really sense their presence. Maybe they are sitting beside you as they did. Reflect on how your body feels being close to them.
3) Describe the thoughts, emotions, and body sensations and movements that come up when you recall this person in the space with you now. Has it changed how your body is feeling, is your posture different?
4) Can you create a movement in your body that helps you feel like their presence is connecting inside you? Do you feel their touch in a hug, or head on their shoulder? Do you sense that warm pet in your lap right now?
5) Write down this process for you. What came up for you? What was a surprise?

It may be hard to think of a person that you were this close to, be it because they are no longer in your life, or because you can’t see them now. Try to stay with the positive sensation to help your body and brain find comfort. That is what is healing for your need for connection in the here and now moment. Our Inner Critic brain may make it hard to access someone that you feel was ever close to you. Tell that brain to be quiet and keep searching. Someone is there, i promise.

I love the idea of having a village, so this is a good time to “revillage’’ intentionally. A great tool for this is the Circle of Support. I have been using this worksheet for years, helping others locate who they can turn to for help, and what help can be matched with a need. For instance, do you have a friend who you keep asking to listen to your fears, but you hate what they say in response? Maybe that friend is not the best fit for your needs. Is there someone else or something else (like a journal exercise) that is a better fit? Is there a neighbour who helps you smile and you share a hobby with? The need to be seen and understood can be so healing right now. Is there a crisis line or online therapist that you can access instead?

Click on this link to do your own personalized Circle of Support. Notice who you reach out for support, and if they have other supports in order for them to be there for you. For instance, i see a therapist myself so that i can continue being a support to others. I also need to know my partner is my rock so i can’t always hear what is scariest for him, but i also know that i am his support. So we agree to chat when we both can take it on, and ask for permission first. The different levels of closeness, trust and intimacy are key. See how small the Closest to Me circle is? Most of us have 1 or 2 people in there, if we are lucky. Some of us have a lot of community supports but they are not as close to you. My global community of Instagram pages i love and books i read are a big part of my social engagement satisfaction.

Polyvagal Theory has done wonders to help explain this need. Our Vagus Nerve has two sides, and the Ventral Vagus Nerve is the access point in helping us feel connected and rested. This nerve continues down the middle of our body, starting in the brain and face. So, it’s important to find ways to access this nerve in the body. As a somatic therapist, i also think it’s important to find ways to take care of the body from the bottom up when feelings of loneliness, stuckness, sadness, fear, isolation creep in. Some of us feel the pain in our body in our core area – our heart is heavy, or shoulders are bent over, our back aches, our throat is tight and it’s hard to swallow. In these instances, it’s good to think of things for your body to do on the periphery. The periphery of the body, arms and legs are used to achieve nearness – can you reach out to your loved one over video chat, can you hold your hands over your heart and smile as chatting with them on the phone? One simple resource is Orientating to the person. Even if they are not in the room with you, can you turn your neck to a photo of your family or friend, and reach out to it? Make ‘eye contact’ and smile at them. A smile sends a message to your brain that you are okay, and your jaw relaxes, which is a great way to access that glorious Ventral Vagus Nerve.

I love all the yoga and dance studios and practitioners who have offered online support. Even if you are a non-dancer or mover, find ways to tap your feet or sway your arms as you watch the class. We can feel united and connected when we know a community of people are joining together. Focus on the good parts of the experience, and tell your Worry Brain or Inner Critic to take a break, as you want to savour the moment.

It’s also important to find creative ways to separate the concept of Physical Distancing from Social Distancing. We need each other even more now. This lessens the overwhelm and also the comparison that my situation is worse than others. We are all in this together. Find simple ways to reach out daily to someone – your neighbour, the mail delivery (through your window or a thank you note), a call to an old friend. Write a love letter to a friend from your past. You don’t have to send it even. That connection can feel good in your body regardless. Make a card for a neighbour you haven’t seen to tell them you’re thinking of them. Send texts affirmations and links to songs to dance to together. Have a coffee or tea with them over video chat. Watch a show together and sync it up. So you don’t have spoilers!

Do you have a friend who is a new parent? Make them some food and drop it off at their house. Text them that you are there and stay on the curb or your car to wave from a safe distance. Write a love note in chalk wishing the new baby (or an older child too) Happy Birthday! Let them know they can call you any time any day. Are you a new parent? Ask for this kind of help – what do you need to help you even a bit?

Because i love community and supporting others, and also getting support, i started a group online for my friends both near and far. It’s there as a support to US during this global health pandemic. We share our feelings, worries, and support each other. We’ve shared some great resources like podcasts to listen to, yoga and dance parties, books and nervous system tools. It’s been so lovely to have weekly video dates seeing each other. If you want to join the Building Our Wellness Toolkits Community, send me an email – it’s a private group online but the more the merrier.

I’ve made a point to connect to friends and family more than ever. Even though I’m tired from the Mother Load of work, and am only getting outside to play catch with my kids, i still make a point to talk to friends and family online. This week, i danced with friends over Lizzo’s Good as Hell song, played a card game online, made funny faces with friends, and celebrated a young friend’s birthday on the curb. I have a yoga date with my sister, And video dates with family this weekend. I also danced with others to Twisted Sister’s We’re Not Gonna Take this and Tina Turner’s iconic song Workin’ Together. After all, if we work together on this, we’re not gonna take this Covid19 anymore. See what i did there?

We may be apart but we are not alone. We are in this together.

On the Day of Your Funeral

Posted on February 19, 2020 by Vania

Please note this is a raw and heart felt poem I wrote as I held space for my client. It was also a way to process the grief I felt. I share it now as a reminder of the many layers of trauma.

I learned recently that a client of mine died unexpectedly. Her death was more peaceful and gentle than her life. Her final hours were not so peaceful. At the end, she died doing something she was familiar with, that had been a coping tool for too many years. She died because she was trying to quiet the sadness and demons that were living in her.

On this day of your funeral, i am crying quietly to myself. I’m so sad that i never got one more visit with your vibrant and curious mind. I loved our loud sessions, and your hope for better.

She died because she had internalized the abuse and shame that had been poking at her for too long.

On this day of your funeral, I’m so angry at the economic context that criminalizes drug use at the same time as not having more support for trauma survivors.

She died because she was sexually abused as a child and her childhood was taken from her.

On this day of your funeral, i am present thinking of all the sexual abuse survivors i have known, worked with, supported, and been a part of their healing journey.

She died because people feel uncomfortable with mental health and ‘those people.’

On this day of your funeral, i am holding space for you and all that you had to endure. To say that you lived a life of trauma and suffering is an understatement. You deserved a better life.

She died because she had fallen through the cracks like so many women, who live in poverty, with mental health diagnoses and addiction.

On this day of your funeral, i am so proud of your resilience – you had overcome so much and were working on a better life for yourself. I know that your final days were not the main part of you, but rather parts of you that were too wounded still.

She died because her body was carrying around so much baggage and pain from being sexually assaulted and physically abused for all those years.

On this day of your funeral, i am honoured that you shared your life with me and trusted me with parts of you that were so vulnerable, ugly, unspoken, and raw.

She died because the world doesn’t give a fuck about how trauma impacts us, but instead values success and independence and white picket fences.

On this day of your funeral, i’m so sad that you were alone when you died. That you felt alone and hopeless. There are so many people who loved you for who you are

She died in pain – her heart was broken and her body was exhausted.

On this day of your funeral, I am curious what you’re wearing as I know your style was a big part of your reclaiming of your body.

She died dying to reclaim her body and find pleasure again – her sexualized sense of self was still a work in progress.

On this day of your funeral, i’m sorry that i wasn’t there more to bear witness to the parts of you that struggled to come out.

She died because she wasn’t seen and we let her down.

On this day of your funeral, may your next adventure be the one of your dreams.

A New Dawn, a New Year

Posted on January 8, 2020 by Vania

I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions, but i do appreciate taking time to reflect, take stock, and work on my dreams. While i do a smaller version of this each month, during the Full Moon and New Moon days, I also like to reflect on what is important to me each year.

It’s a chance for me to get humble and vulnerable, to hold space for my imperfectedness. It’s also a beautiful opportunity to pause and be intentional with my life.

This month, why not take some time to yourself and do a year-long plan? Get a journal, or download one of the many good FREE workbooks out there. I created a more simple page as a journal prompt, that you can check out here.For longer and more in-depth guides, give yourself an hour or so. This one is a longtime fave of mine . I also love Tiny Ritual’s guide, that you can find here. For a guide on the past year, here is one i really like for reflecting. I haven’t yet tried this journal (Year Compass) but i have heard good things and plan to work on this week. Based on what has come up in these exercises, think of some key words that can help guide your new year. These are the anchors that help you set your intentions.

This week’s Full Moon on January 10 is a perfect time to reflect on the year (and decade) that just was. Later on this month, on Jan 24, you can look forward to the year that is just coming up the horizon. Who said you have to commit to these plans right on January 1? There is research that shows that going cold turkey doesn’t work anyway. So practice these goal-setting plans with self-compassion and look at ways you can practice it for the whole year through.

Some things I’m going to reflect on are that i became a mom a decade ago, I started a private practice in this past decade, i bought my own paddleboard this past year, and i have become more embodied in my own life and work.

One thing i do is a yearlong Goddess Oracle spread. Each month is championed by a Goddess, and the intention that she carries. For instance, this month i am guided by Shakti who represents Energy through the chakras. I put the card on my temple and she keeps me company for the month. I love this ritual and how it plays a role in my year.

Another ritual i have is a meditation on a word that will help be my guide or chaperone for the year. It is my Word for the Year. I know it’s getting a lot of buzz right now, but for me it really works. Having a word as an anchor helps me make more deliberate and purposeful choices in my everyday life. In years past, it has been Balance, Breathe, Love. Last year, I also included a word for each season and it helped me manifest my goal even better. The support words were Refreshing, Joy, Nourish and Cozy. Feel free to read my old journal entry here to read more about that.

I also do a Tarot spread for myself on the Word. I ask for guidance on how to bring in my wanted feeling, what obstacles may be in the way, and what path to take. I find this exercise to be a lovely way of grounding my intention as well as bringing it all together.

This year, my anchor word is R H Y T H M. It is similar to Balance surely but also is giving me more access to things that I want back in my life. Like dance (a new class maybe?), music (i have forgotten to play music at home like i used to). The supportive words to accompany it are Pause, Align, Self, Grace,). Not all of them are chosen because i want to reach them (like grace for instance), but rather i am curious about them and seek the challenge of looking at what their place may be in my life with rhythm.

So, when i am grappling with a choice or decision, i will ask myself “how will this bring my rhythm?” Or “what can i do right now that will help me find my rhythm?” Having a word may help choose the right path, or the better path. It may also serve as a reminder to not react impulsively, but rather to pause and take a full breathe in and out before responding.

So for me, i am curious to see if Rhythm is a path to getting to Me better.