BeComing Home to My Self

“I have already lost touch with a couple of people i used to be.” ~ Joan Didion

October always feels like a month of change. It’s hard not to take note of the metaphor of things coming to an end with all the leaves falling to their natural completion. Humans are more like nature than we ever want to admit.

I’m no different and now I’m ready to not only accept this inevitable passing of time, but now I mean to surrender it. As SURRENDER is my word of the year, i have been on a journey with it this year. Now it’s become an invited guest on my adventure called life. I’m not going to lie though, it’s still a lesson i am learning: A part of me is being pulled through a new threshold, and at the same time another part wants to remain the same.

Initiation is the paradox that reflects a new version of me.

I spoke about my entry into High School Mom terrain last month. Besides this key rite of passage for my kiddo (and therefore me on the periphery), I am on the cusp of another massive personal developmental change. I don’t just mean menopause, but something else that accompanies it – the end of a stretch of 7 years of growth. In both Traditional Chinese Medicine and Rudolf Steiner’s 7-Year Cycle Model, the pattern is based on a process that changes every 7 years. The phase i am in now is the time of Soul Searching that ends at 49. This is the time for Wonder for the Spirit Self. As i’m near the end of it, i’m glad that i know this – the end of this stage is coming and i don’t have to be surprised or grieve it too late.

Speaking of Perimenopause, i would be remiss not to also acknowledge it here. Especially as October is World Menopause Month. I now have so much more understanding of my mom’s life, and also grief and regret that i did not ask her more about this change when she was alive. I rarely looked at her for guidance in general, and i deeply regret that.

So I turned to the second best resource, one that I share with my mom – books.

In the book, 7 Transforming Gifts of Menopause, the author describes how having clarity and courage, expanded time and spiritual freedom, as well as access to our authentic self can be the alchemizing ingredients that we need to step into this major and unspoken rite of passage.

And maybe, just maybe, it’s worth unpacking an old theory about this liminal space with a more feminist and critical lens – as Rites of Passage was first deemed a concept by a well-established and white anthropologist, it is safe to assume he did not have everyday regular folk in mind, let alone women going through their womanly changes.

“Change and transition are not meant to be easy. With every shift you make in your life, whether it’s a relationship ending, a job change or city change, a friendship ending, new identities emerging, or loss, you will inevitably experience both grief and expansion. That’s the thing about transitions. You will lose something, but if your eyes and heart are open, you will grow. Even through the hard stuff. You will grieve and you will grow. Make sure you hold space for both.” ~ Vienna Pharaon

I feel firmly rooted in this stage of my life. I am starting to reflect on how it got here. To be honest, some of it was a surprise, and some of it was under the cover of being in lockdown. Some of this journey has been a way of grieving the loss of my mom, and accepting this new place i live in. I am embracing this balance of tending to my own life in front of me while also holding space for my ancestors and their unfinished lives.

And so yes, some of it was very intentional.

This is me starting to step out of Mother and into my Virgin Era. I know that may not make sense because the word carries a very different meaning. Think more like a good virgin olive oil, or virgin wool – pure onto itself. In Marion Woodman’s work, a virgin is a woman who is whole unto herself. She is awakened to live her life more fully and intentionally for herself. I think it’s also about finding balance. This archetype occurs in a woman’s life after she becomes a mother, and before she enters elderhood. Most don’t get to live in this place.

A big part of this is because patriarchy has taught us that our worth as women is tethered to our ability to mother. When we are older and deemed too old to bear children, our short-lived and near-sighted worth becomes obsolete – in the eyes of a male-centred world that is.

“I think midlife is when the Universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear: I’m not screwing around. It’s time.” ~ Brené Brown

Archetypes Can Guide Us
Recognizing that i was in this transitionary stage of no longer a young mother anymore, and not quite ready to be a Crone, i knew i had to turn to who has been here before me. So this year, a goal of mine was to be a student of archetypes. Who better than these wise elders to give me guidance? More specifically, feminine archetypes, the divine or sacred feminine, as well as goddesses that i was never curious about before. This commitment lead me to Maureen Murdock’s reframe of the Hero’s Journey – which she calls the heroine’s journey for the path of the fool. I love how she unpacks the various stages and turns. This website offers a great guide if you are also curious and want to dive deeper into this work.

Most of us have heard of the triple goddess archetypes – the Maiden, Mother and Crone. But did you know there are more feminine archetypes? Like Sage, Mystic, Warrior, Lover, or Huntress?

In reading the wonderful new book Sage, Huntress, Lover, Queen by Mara Branscombe, i’m noticing that both the Sage and Lover are aligned with my journey to Virgin. They are midlife archetypes for women. They are all whole unto themselves. They intentionally bring together their outside relationships and career to come into unity with their inner self and life’s calling. Their service to the world no longer outweighs their own inner journey. This is the practice is leaning towards wholeness, and not assuming one archetypes is the answer-for-all.

Jane Hardwicke Collings is a wise elder who speaks directly about this change. She has coined the term Sagescence to mirror the rite of passage that is similar to adolescence and matrescence. She shared that “sagescence brings with it many gifts. We become more self-focused and motivated to take care of ourselves. We are gifted with the opportunity to heal all the unhealed parts of ourselves. We fully align with the lunar cycle as this replaces our menstrual cycle. Our visionary capacity and intuition grow and grow. Our leadership skills arise or get stronger. And our orgasms get stronger and longer!”

Not only do we remain sexual and pleasure-seeking, i love this reframe that our pleasure is intensified in elder years, not diminished as is usually the story.

When we know that our personal story is reflected in an overarching archetypal one, a sense of relief and being seen is felt. Sometimes, it’s a felt sense of understanding and validation that we get. I know for me, i feel less alone – this is my story and many before me. Now my inner voice that has been calling for me can sigh out a bit as she knows i hear her calling. What’s different now is that I’m less afraid to ignore her.

Photo Credit: Paula Dicu


How does this stage of life look? I’m glad you asked because it’s wonderful! For one, we get to go out again and do things just for the sake of fun, however that looks like as the 47-year old i am. It’s now that i’m starting to really enjoy date nights with my partner, instead of the transactional dates that helped us survive as a couple in early parenthood. I am taking dance classes and attending women’s circles again. I have even gone to some weekend retreats. Some of you may have been doing this all along, and that’s amazing. The difference in this stage is that it’s not to balance or get a break from my mother role and work. Rather it’s because the call to work as a mother is less hands-on, and it’s been integrated into my life as a whole (see that word creeping in here?)

I have been a Thousand Different Women by Emory Hall
make peace with all the women you once were
lay flower sat their feet
offer them incense and honey and forgiveness
honor them and give them your silence
listen.
bless them and let them be.
for they are the bones of the temple you sit in now.
for they are the rivers of wisdom leading you toward the sea.

As I am crossing through this portal into this next stage of life, my life, I am feeling more certain about it. And I’ve been tracking the guide posts that have been lighting the way for me. I’ve reflected on this and have noticed a few key elements that have been anchors for me during this time. A few years ago, my word of the year was rise and since then I’ve been really holding it close to help me steer my path. I find it holds a nice complement to other words I’ve had recently like breathe and Grace. As of course, I love a good acronym that helps us find our way even more clearly and succinctly so maybe this resource will come in handy for you as well.

How to RISE Up into the Latest Evolution of Your Self
1) Reflect on your Path to Now
It’s important to always start with looking back on what was, what brought you to this point and if you continues to serve and resonate with you. We need to grief what has ended, even if it is at its completion. For instance, my work has evolved to reflect where i am now. I started my career as a crisis counsellor. My work pivoted when I became a mother, both to change my hours to ensure I had more balance, and then eventually even more when I would work more specifically with mothers in my private practice.

October is when i celebrate the decision to leap into my private practice full-time. It was 3 years ago this month that i made the leap. I have always wanted to have my own private practice as a therapist. And i have never looked back on my decision with regret or second guessing. This has been a wonderful testament on how i have leveled up, or evolved in my work and life in general.

2) Integrate the New Pieces
Previous parts don’t necessary have to go by the wayside. In fact, they can be honoured and acknowledged for all the work they did to get you to right here right now. Even if they are flawed and stuck – they served a purpose. In order to truly transform into this new stage, though, we need to cross the portal with both fit in. So, spend some time pondering just what versions of you do you still need and want by your side? What new roles, identities, or strengths will best serve you? For instance, i loved learning that my Sexual Self is not lost to me. She has been waiting by the sidelines too long and i can whisper to you now that by no way is it 100% true our libido is diminished when we age. We evolve in this way too, i think, actually. You did see the reference to orgasm being especially yummy later in life right? Enough said…

Of course, my Wild Lover is not my only new Part – i also am excited to have my Mystic, Sage, and Creatrix there as main characters of my life’s soap opera.

A simple way to incorporate this new version of is is to start bringing your new goals or intentions into your everyday life, even in small incremental steps. This can be in a sacred morning ritual to help this transition. It can be an update to your skincare routine, a new lotion, or a way to adorn yourself daily. Oh, i can’t speak more highly about the magic of adornment! It is truly an act of divination.

3) Support
We are social creatures, and our bodies are designed for connection – literally. We have a social engagement system built into our nervous system. If you are skeptical of this, just think of mirror neorons and oxytocin. We thrive in community with others who are here as well. The word ‘coven’ carries a witchy connotation these days. It’s hard not to think of women in black dresses dancing around a fire. But originally, the term meant a group of like-minded folks gathering together. We need others to reflect back what we are thinking. We need others to also show that we are not alone on this journey.

It’s hard to keep in touch with friends in this stage of life, because life keeps calling us away. So we need to be intentional about this commitment to our close ones. Find the people in your life that mirror back what you are passionate about. You may not be as alone as you think you are. Jen Berlingo refers to herself as a life traveller and her book Midlife Emergence is on my wish list. She speaks about this need to create a village, and one suggestion is to be persistent and keep inviting your people to gather. This is wisdom i have been implementing this year.

4) Embrace and Embody this New Self
I find this step is a key element of deepening into this new skin. Otherwise, things remain intellect-having and more transactional. We need to embody the change. One way i am doing this is by redefining my style and dressing my age. For a while, i resisted it – i was fighting the drive to dress a certain way. Now. i have come into my own with how i dress. All my younger parts are so happy to have me feel confident and in my element. This is my flowy dress era. It has always been important for me that my style matches the inner me. More importantly, not only do i dress my age, i now see the rite of passage of becoming this style also mature: How my pre-teen daughter dresses is how i USED to dress. I have evolved.

Another way to alchemize this passage is by being witnessed as you cross the threshold: Be honoured in ceremony. Host a gathering, a circle, or a party if you feel called to do so. I am doing just that and i can’t wait! More on that next month, i promise!

If you need any further guidance or practice to help you find your way home back to yourself, meditate and cast a vision of the future you are dreaming about. Visit with the archetypes that inspire and resonate with you. Or check out this article, it may be helpful.

And remember, we are all works in progress, changing even without our full attention. If we do it with more intention, our dream life can be within reach. I have transformed: And yes, it may still include butterfly wings – i just wear them on the inside now.

7 Days of Embodied Sensual Pleasure: Implementing a Pleasure Practice

I recently completed a course that I have been wanting to take for years. After being a student at University of Guelph for my undergrad, it had always been a dream of mine to take their intensive sex therapy course. I can now share the exciting news that I’ve completed it! While I’ve already been offering couple and relationship counselling as well as sexual health and sexual violence healing, this new training has offered a further breadth of support I can offer.

One of the final assignments of the course was to put together a pleasure practice guide. As this is something I’ve been working on in my own life and supporting others with, I’m sharing with you now some of the ways that you can start or enhance your pleasure practice.

It might be hard to access what you find pleasurable sexually, if you don’t already have a sense of it in your daily life outside of the bedroom. This guide is a great place to start. Each day, commit to some time to try out how you might add an intentional way to reflect on how to bring pleasure into your life.

In the amazing book, Pleasure Activism, adrienne marie brown shares that you find your pleasure path when you have embodied joy, happiness, satisfaction and connection. This is the embodiment of a pleasure practice.

As a somatic therapist, I created this guide to start from the bottom-up, instead of staying in our brain and thoughts. Using the 5 senses, pick one a day to see what brings you pleasure. This practice is about attuning to what gives you that felt sense of pleasure. If some of the senses are not available or accessible for you, focus on the ones that are. Notice if you can also connect any of these sensory anchors to what your core fantasy might also include.

Over the course of a week, spend some time daily just thinking about each of these and see how you can incorporate time to play with them. Each day, over the course of the day, focus on one sense. On the final day, combine the practices and set the scene. You don’t have to do them in order as presented, but try to do all 7 days. Repeat a theme if you have an abundance of ideas, need a do-over, or one sense is not available to you.

Please CLICK THIS LINK here to take you to the FREE Creating a Pleasure Practice Worksheet.

End the week by bringing in all five senses and save this last one to set your scene up for success. Set the room with the items that evoke pleasure, and see what happens when you bring it all together. Maybe you want to get candles, a cozy blanket, chocolate and wine. Put on some playful music, and wear a sexy camisole. Or how about setting up your backyard with a private oasis. Surround yourself in nature. Rest your feet or sit right on the earth. Take your undies off and sit right on the grass (thanks to amb for this gift!) Remember the goal is not necessarily sex but rather an embodied sense of harnessing your own pleasure.

Journal your reflections – what did you notice? What surprised you, would you do again, differently? What felt like it was missing something?

In last month’s article, i shared the idea of a Core Erotic Theme. If you haven’t spent time with it already, this is a perfect opportunity to create one. Think of what your Core Erotic Fantasy is now that you have spent some time discovering your pleasure path.

If you want to learn more, here are some great resources that speak further about this. I especially love adrienne maree brown’s book Pleasure Activist and that reminder that we all have a right to embody pleasure. Esther Perel’s body of work on pleasure is also a must. She recently did a workshop on enhancing foreplay pleasures. With topics on ritual, desire, exploring the senses, imagination and setting the right ambiance, this is a great resource. Blaire Lindsay’s free webinar series on finding your Pleasure Path also has some great activities. Rachael Maddox created this lovely gift as well.

While i said that this practice is for yourself, and i truly mean it as a stand-alone gift to yourself, it is also a great way to create more attuned intimacy with your lover. When new parents struggle with desire discrepancy, a new take on creating pleasure is a great way to get back on track. When new couples are trying to get connected in bed, this resource can be a great starting point. Or, for survivors of sexual violence, abuse or boundary violations, working on a pleasure practice can be a beneficial step to become clearer with how to meet your sexual desires with others. Vanessa Marin has great visual aid to help folx have a better sense of their sexual compatibility. Looking at this graphic, can you discern what might be lacking in your own relationships, what you can work on, or what is on fire?

Remember, the goal for finding your pleasure path is not to be sexually intimate with others, and yet it is so helpful to notice what feels compatible with others’ paths.

Now that you are starting your path to pleasure, you can get a sense of your compass or guide. Think of it as your ‘love pulse’ – it is your divine witness. Every once in a while, spend some time checking in with your love pulse – if it feels low, it may be time for a pleasure practice!

On the Day of Your Funeral

Please note this is a raw and heart felt poem I wrote as I held space for my client. It was also a way to process the grief I felt. I share it now as a reminder of the many layers of trauma.

I learned recently that a client of mine died unexpectedly. Her death was more peaceful and gentle than her life. Her final hours were not so peaceful. At the end, she died doing something she was familiar with, that had been a coping tool for too many years. She died because she was trying to quiet the sadness and demons that were living in her.

On this day of your funeral, i am crying quietly to myself. I’m so sad that i never got one more visit with your vibrant and curious mind. I loved our loud sessions, and your hope for better.

She died because she had internalized the abuse and shame that had been poking at her for too long.

On this day of your funeral, I’m so angry at the economic context that criminalizes drug use at the same time as not having more support for trauma survivors.

She died because she was sexually abused as a child and her childhood was taken from her.

On this day of your funeral, i am present thinking of all the sexual abuse survivors i have known, worked with, supported, and been a part of their healing journey.

She died because people feel uncomfortable with mental health and ‘those people.’

On this day of your funeral, i am holding space for you and all that you had to endure. To say that you lived a life of trauma and suffering is an understatement. You deserved a better life.

She died because she had fallen through the cracks like so many women, who live in poverty, with mental health diagnoses and addiction.

On this day of your funeral, i am so proud of your resilience – you had overcome so much and were working on a better life for yourself. I know that your final days were not the main part of you, but rather parts of you that were too wounded still.

She died because her body was carrying around so much baggage and pain from being sexually assaulted and physically abused for all those years.

On this day of your funeral, i am honoured that you shared your life with me and trusted me with parts of you that were so vulnerable, ugly, unspoken, and raw.

She died because the world doesn’t give a fuck about how trauma impacts us, but instead values success and independence and white picket fences.

On this day of your funeral, i’m so sad that you were alone when you died. That you felt alone and hopeless. There are so many people who loved you for who you are

She died in pain – her heart was broken and her body was exhausted.

On this day of your funeral, I am curious what you’re wearing as I know your style was a big part of your reclaiming of your body.

She died dying to reclaim her body and find pleasure again – her sexualized sense of self was still a work in progress.

On this day of your funeral, i’m sorry that i wasn’t there more to bear witness to the parts of you that struggled to come out.

She died because she wasn’t seen and we let her down.

On this day of your funeral, may your next adventure be the one of your dreams.

Trauma-Informed Care put into Practice

A trauma-informed approach is defined as a strength-based program or system that realizes the widespread impact of trauma and understands potential paths for recovery, the signs and symptoms of trauma in clients, and others involved in the system; it then responds by integrating this knowledge into its practices and seeks to actively resist re-traumatization

I’m so glad that there has been a movement to implementing trauma-informed principles in all sorts of workplaces. Yoga classes, massage and physiotherapy, dental clinics, schools, and family lawyers have all made commitments to be more trauma-informed. While therapists may work with people who have experienced trauma, that does not always come with being trauma-informed. One would assume it’s part and parcel. That is not always the case, unfortunately. Further, sometimes the therapist is but their office or clinic does not work from a trauma-informed practice. Over the years of my work, I have both learned and implemented key principles and practices to ensure that my work is trauma-informed. For me, that includes doing what I can to help people I support feel safe and respected by me, that they are valued as the expert in their lives (versus me as a professional), their voice is empowered and have choices, as well as working from an intersectional anti-oppression framework: I work with compassion, collaboration and non-judgment. Being trauma-informed for me also includes knowing that everyone has a right to resilience and recovery/healing and trust is earned. I also know about the impact of trauma on people and have tools to assess for the symptoms.

As a Feminist Therapist for over 20 years, I strongly believe that being trauma-informed is deeply connected to my work: I’ve been a trauma-focused therapist for over 15 years. For instance, I know that people who identify as women (whether it is cis-gendered, trans or genderqueer, non-binary) experience gender-based violence at a far greater and disproportionate amount compared to their male peers. When I work with a new client, this informs my work – while she may be coming to me for support about adjusting to parenthood, she may have witnessed or experienced violence first-hand in her past. This may implicitly impact how she sees her role, workload, and role as a parent. Unresolved trauma lives and manifests in our bodies and lives in a way that keeps the trauma storied part of us activated.

Further, as a therapist who works with sexual violence, I also know that people who are giving birth who have a history of sexual assault may be very likely to experience triggers during pregnancy and birth – the birth process can be quite re-traumatizing in fact. This includes both the birth itself as well as the early postpartum period.

There are so many good models of trauma-informed care (TIC). I have put together this one with the 6 key principles that inform my work. For instance, I take the intake and assessment process slow. I don’t expect clients to share with me their history of trauma in the first 1-3 sessions (typically it’s seen as required information in order to get service). That disclosure should come with time, established trust and rapport, and the development of a relationship. I am a relational therapist – I value alchemy between us, I self-disclose my own lived experience at times (i.e my own miscarriage loss), and I am committed to work from a place of non-judgment and compassion. We build our work together on compassion and collaboration and they navigate how the sessions go – be it how and where they sit in the room, and what they want to talk about in session. As I’m trained in several therapy modalities, I also believe it’s important to use what is best for my clients, and would refer to someone else if it’s not the right fit.

Being a trauma therapist does not mean I expect to hear the trauma story itself. In fact, that may not happen at all. To me, being a trauma-informed trauma therapist means I work to help people access their resources (strategies that are physical, relational, spiritual, emotional and mental) so that they can find ways to integrate their trauma part (i.e traumatic birth experience) into their everyday life now, so that it doesn’t remain a fragmented part that still triggers them when it’s the anniversary/birthday. As trust is earned, it’s important to me that we build this connection slowly, and pace the trauma work so that people feel safe when they leave their session with me. While I don’t think anyone can guarantee a 100% safe place, I make it a practice to do my best to collaborate my clients.

Trauma-informed care for me also means that the person seeking my support is the expert in their own life – Clients are their own expert. I am just a guide that is there to support them. I don’t carry any expectations of my own. I also bear witness to the various social locations and how that can impact their healing i.e from birth trauma and the intersection if they are a racialized or otherwise marginalized person. I also overtly acknowledge my privilege as a white cis-gendered woman, who also has power as a psychotherapist. I make this intersection explicit in my work by naming the oppression for what it is, instead of minimizing. Making links to the systemic forms of discrimination is an important practice of TIC as it holds space for multiple truths instead of internalizing shame and guilt.

Working from a trauma-informed place also means that I am an advocate if the people i support need or request it. I share resources with you if part of your chosen healing journey includes taking legal action. There are great organizations and advocates that can support someone in their healing process. As big component of post-traumatic growth is when survivors advocate not only for themselves but others as well. That’s why movements like #metoo and Birth Monopoly are so powerful. It is inherently healing to feel interconnectedness with others who have similar stories. It’s part of my role and responsibility to share these resources with the people i support. I also bring it into my practice even when people don’t ask for it overtly – we don’t know what we don’t know is available as a resource.

Trauma-informed practice also includes how I take care of myself as I can be impacted by vicarious trauma. I have tools, activities, and regular practice of self-care. I also think it’s necessary to keep learning about my work, and push myself to be even better as a therapist. I seek out peer and clinical consultation and believe that all therapists need to do this, regardless of them being in practice for 5 or 25 years.

When you are seeking support from a therapist or practitioner, ask them what their definition of trauma-informed care is. If they don’t have one, that may be a sign that they are not thinking of the inherent impact and context of trauma. Not everyone works in a trauma-focused profession but if they are not at least trauma-informed in the practice, that means they are not keeping your safety and needs at their forefront of their work. Trauma does not have to be complex and Big T, but anyone who has lost a job, grieved the death of a loved one (including a pet), moved to a new city with no support, had a significant injury or illness have all experienced trauma that still lives in their body.

We deserve better. We deserve to get support that honours what our body knows. As Pat Ogden has so wisely shared, “the body always leads us home.”