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Menomorphosis and The Lost Art of Ceremony

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As part of my initiation of turning 50 last year, i gifted myself a last step of integration that came with this pivotal birthday. As i have been immersing myself in womb healing training and offerings thanks to my perimenopause awakening, i felt called to receive a womb massage called Sobada from a traditional Mayan healer. Mexico has a special place in my heart and connects me to my mother. So, i took my family to Mexico. I spoke about the trip a bit in another post.

This part of my passage was transformative. The massage and womb ceremony were just what i needed to tend to my changing body. What happened at the end is what will stay with me for years to come. During the session i received Closing the Bones medicine. My body was encased in fabrics that are indigenous to Mayan culture. They are sacred, woven scarves called rebozos that create a womb-like holding of the body, very much like a chrysalis or Egyptian mummy.

“After decades spent waiting, she took her place as an Elder when those elder than her had not, because those elder to them had not. She initiated herself so that one day she could initiate someone else.” ~ Rebecca Campbell

My eyes were covered the whole time, and this offered me more internal visioning. It brought me down and through. It was during this descent that I felt the presence of my grandmothers. As my bones and body were put back in place, my red thread line joined me. My mother and grandmothers came to be with me from beyond the veil. They sat at my feet and offered me company, presence, and the missing community i have been searching for. What they also shared with me was gratitude for my decision to provide myself this loving touch because in doing so, i was also healing them. My healing was their healing. And i received the closure i needed, as well as the confirmation that i am on the right track.

What a true honour to be held this way. This session offered me the clarity and confidence i needed to step more calmly onto my next stage of life. In more ways than one, i am evolving.

Our ancestors knew something about gathering and marking times of change. No matter where your people are from or what they celebrated, it was with reverence and ritual. Births and deaths were honoured, sacred unions were celebrated, and all were seen as sacred passages of initiation and transformation.

We have lost this art of being in sacred gatherings. Our mothers and grandmothers maybe didn’t get to have this honouring as ageism and misogyny stole this from them. I never got to see the goddess rise in my own mother. Moreover, I wasn’t able to realize that my mom was a goddess. I am healing this mother wound and gate of grief in real time now, even after my mom’s death.

In a few days time, i will be offering a ceremony for women who are standing at the menopause threshold, or have already crossed it and didn’t get to experience an initiation for menopause. It is never too late to experience the ceremonial medicine that marks the blood rites of passage. I am doing it as a way to honour my mother and what she didn’t get to receive. I feel like i have her blessing now that she has been present during this stage of my becoming.

My mother’s death was a catalyzing experience for me. It created a shift in my timeline, and i think ultimately brought me back to my original blueprint. For the last 4 years, i have been learning the sacred art of anointment, both as a way to fully embrace my priestess path and spiritual devotion as well as honour my lineage. My mom was a chemist, and studied aromatherapy and essential oils. I inherited her many books and supplies about aromatherapy, herbal medicine, and plant allies. I will never know the whole story about her inspiration, but i do know she wanted more for her life and turned to creating art like this, so this is part of my motherline. I am finding my own way with it, by incorporating the oils i make with love and intention as part of my rituals and ceremonies, and regular devotional practice.

The stages in between times of transition, of blood rites and rites of passage like adolescence and perimenopause are thresholds. They are the liminal space between two landings. This is like the chrysalis stage in the story of becoming a caterpillar. Known as clay time as things make more of an impression of who were becoming in these rites of passage, we need to be held during this messy and tumultuous time.

In the book, The Menopause Brain, the author shared coming across the word “menostart” as an alternative to menoPAUSE. I appreciate this reframe because it is not true that things are only ending at this stage of life. So much also begins. Or at least there is the potential for it. That’s why we need to honour it with ceremony in order to reclaim this stage of life with the reverence it deserves.

I came up with a word that truly encapsulates this change for me – menomorphosis. It creates a helpful frame for the transformation that comes with menopause. There truly is alchemy in the goo that is perimenopuase. It is not just a fertile void or hot sweats – it is the fire that is coming back alive to help create something new from something old.

Thresholds like perimenopause offer us a chance to slow down and find intention in the initiation. Similar to pregnancy and birth, they offer us an invitation to step into our full experience in this rite of passage. Rites of passage are initiatory acts of crossing from one chapter in our life to another; from maiden to mother, to sage and crone.

“Initiations are a sacred offering of what needs to die so that we can live what is ours to live.” ~ Blaire Lindsay

Perimenopause offers us a reset. It is a time to step into our power as a woman and it offers an initiation of a spiritual transformation. The act of being witnessed through the change offer us the chance to step more confidently into the next chapter of our life story. Otherwise, we persist in a spiritual purgatory of sorts, a liminal space between two worlds. When we are not held in community, our soul and psyche struggle to find a place to land; it is our soul that is in crisis.

Pause before the Change
Developmental stages are physiological changes we all go through. Rites of passage fuse the science and biology of developmental stages with the spiritual initiation that is meant to support it. When we bring ceremony into the change, it facilitates a deeper initiation and ultimate ascent. We have lost the language and relevance of ritual and ceremony. This may be because we wanted to separate church from state, but i think it’s also because men in power didn’t want the strength and expertise of women to shine. It is in medicine, shamanism, ceremony and gathering that women are strong after all.

We need to endure the hardships in order to embrace the gifts that come with menopause.

While we surely need to embrace this inevitable change, we need to grieve our former self and what is now over. I’m not even talking about our bodies here. Don’t get me started on that, or maybe that is another journal yet to be written. This transition does come with a change in our energy and capacity as we clean house so that we can shed what is no longer needed. Luckily, with this loss comes an awakening – the birth of our “I Don’t Care” part – that had to grow out of the burn-out of the Good Girl and What About Me parts of us. What may be a consequence of that is the added loss of relationships as some folks who preferred us nice and polite will struggle with our new-found liberation.

A Way with Words – The Etymology of Words
The word sacrifice offers a hint to what is at its core – The root word of sacrifice is ‘sacer’ – to make sacred. So, when we sit with this reframe, we can see initiations as a sacred offering of what needs to die so that we can live more intentionally with what is still alive in us now. Sacrifice requires courage, devotion, and trust. It helps to think of our body as a story book character experiencing a fairy tale arc of surprise, surrender, and transformation.

Rituals bring us back in rhythm with life, and offer more harmony with nature, life, each other, and spirit itself. The word ‘rite’ bleeds right into its home in ritual. The Sanskrit word for ritual is rta and means ‘cosmic order’ or a natural flow of the universe. If we want to reclaim this ancient and universal understanding, this primordial truth, we need to remember that rituals are designed to honour significant moments and transitions in our lives. Be it starting school, graduating, our first job, or break-up, our home, all are thresholds we are meant to be walked through, not step across alone.

There is a song i love that keeps reminding me that life is a ceremony. We don’t need to host extravagant galas or go on expensive retreats to live a ceremonial life. The root of the word ceremony is ‘caerimonia’, the Latin word means sacred rites, religious worship, and a felt sense of awe and reverence. It is no wonder then, that being in ceremony changes us. It is meant to as it offers a deeper connection to our wombic home. Ceremony weaves us back into the original fabric that is our full aliveness, and it offers us a reminder of our shared existence on this living earth.

I have spoken before that ritual and ceremony are the first practices of therapy, of mind and soul medicine. In their beautiful book, The Seven Circles: Indigenous Teachings for Living Well, Chelsey Luger and Thosh Collings share a detailed list of benefits that ceremony offers folks. Participating in ceremony as a witness as well as the main guest of honour offer similar balms for ourselves. It can strengthen our community and re-villaging hopes as it restores our relationships and strengthens morale; it fosters both spiritual health as well as reminds us of our place within nature and the land, by also expanding and deepening our worldview, and it regulates our bodies to prepare for other life transitions.

It is through the practices of ritual and ceremony that we can mark a clear arc and story – through a beginning until the end. There is a clear container and they are meant to change us.

“A woman’s initiation includes many moments of crossing a threshold. This threshold is the bridge to our feminine soul, and crossing over is the beginning of becoming.” ~ Sue Monk Kidd

We are meant to be seen in our new skin upon stepping through the threshold. Group ceremonies that gathered folks together offered the witness element that is so missing now. Where are our elders, the village aunties who can pass down their wisdom? It is no wonder that social media is having a hay day with perimenopausal folks sharing their experiences – gone is the sacred ceremony and instead we have Instagram and Tiktok. This loss of feminine rites of passage has made way for a fabricated and soul-deprived world, and this loss highlights the even bigger theft that is the degradation of the Sacred Feminine.

Body and Soul
Since we are a body and also a mind and soul, it merits understanding that our identity also adapts, grows, and ultimately evolves with each threshold we step through. In order to become whole onto ourselves, we need to find our centre, that soul self within so that we can come into balance. This is where we can focus so that our self energy will be strong against the tides of change and external dis-ease. This is where ritual comes in, as a way to deepen into our devotion to our life.

For women and womb carriers, we have our own unique reproductive codes that mirror seasons. Starting from our mother’s conception and birth, flowing through to our own conception and birth, all the way past our birth, menarche, sexual initiation, and possible birth of our own children, we weave a tapestry of our lives right within our body. Each month offers a rite of passage with the phases of the moon, as well as our menstrual cycle – rites of separation, transition, and integration. Surely these are physical transitions and they are also emotional and spiritual. They are also relational simply because we are relational beings who thrive in connection, and become more fully actualized and initiated when we are witnessed and held.

“Without rituals to make a firm demarcation between the profane and sacred, between what is us and what is not us, we tend to identify with archetypal patterns of being – hero, Father, Mother, etc. We forget that we are individual human beings; we allow ourselves to be inflated by the power of the unconscious and usurp it for our own. And we do this not knowing what we do and that we do it.” ~ Marion Woodman

It is the birth of our soul self and nurturing it that we come back in right relationship with ritual and the sacredness of each day, moving it from mundane and ordinary to divine and universal.

It is our soul seed that waits for us to find her, to nourish her, as it is this deeper connection with ourselves that allows us to move through descent and ultimate initiation. When we take time to listen to our inner knowing and wisdom that resides there, we can be met with our fullest self and move through life with more intention, presence and joy. It is a reclamation of coming home to self. When we drop the ego away and remember that our soft strength is in that seed, the soul guides us. We need to only listen.

Our body experiences this rite of passage so it’s more of a descent than an evolution. Like postpartum, we are not meant to bounce back. If we can reframe developmental stages as initiations, we are not as surprised by the sacrifice that is left on the altar. In this case, it is our former body.

If our body is a map, it is also a temple. I liken my womb to being my oracle so i treat her like an altar. I have learned to bow at her wisdom, and hold reverence for her story, as it is not mine alone. It is also my mother’s and all the mothers who came before me. It is also my children, and those that have yet to come.
Midlife is a threshold to get back on track.

“There is a time in our lives, usually in mid-life, when a woman has to make a decision – possibly the most important psychic decision of her future life – and that is, whether to be bitter or not. Women often come to this in their late thirties or early forties. They are at the point where they are full up to their ears with everything and they’ve “had it” and “the last straw has broken the camel’s back” and they’re “pissed off and pooped out.” Their dreams of their twenties may be lying in a crumple. There may be broken hearts, broken marriages, broken promises.” ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés

We have forgotten that it is in mid-life that we are meant to retrieve our soul. Human developmental theorists like Carl Jung, Marion Woodman, Rudulf Steiner and Bill Plotkin show us this clearly. They also suggest rites to honour these bookends, or chapters of our life. It can be pilgrimage, quests, or sacred fire and moon dances. It can also look like a fresh hair cut or boudoir photo shoot for your eyes only.

I don’t need more information and content creation from 20 and 30 year olds who know things, surely. I love them for their passion and commitment to living their best life. What i need are elders who have walked a similar path to me already, who know something about life. Who laugh at the ego that gets in the way and instead embody eros without a second thought.

“Sagescence brings with it many gifts. We become more self-focused and motivated to take care of ourselves. We are gifted with the opportunity to heal all the unhealed parts of ourselves.” ~ Jane Hardwicke Collings

Healing is indeed a part of this process. We need to heal what is not repaired so that it stops being the force that moves us through life. That means we have to remove the internalized patriarchal lens about how we have been living our life till now.

It also means needing to heal from our own past experiences and trauma, as well as ones we inherited.

I don’t want to grow bitter or resentful, and fade away quietly, unseen and ignored. We need to shed the roles that keep us nice, polite, oppressed & repressed. (Thanks Sarah Durham Wilson for this phrase).

We need to remember it is our own life we are here to live. We aren’t here to take care of others and not rest or attune to our own pleasure, only to exhaust ourselves and die after a life of stress.

It is never too late to offer yourself a ceremony. Any time we do something with intention and ritual, our soul seed blossoms. This also allows for more healing and completion to happen, especially for the blood rites from our past that were not honoured. Maybe your menarche was not celebrated, or your baby shower was more a party than a women’s circle. It is never too late to complete the initiation that is woven in your womb – they are all connected as one red thread after all.

If we can walk our human journey called life with our eyes wide open, with a consciousness of knowing about where we’re meant to be going, we don’t just find ourselves in mid life stunned about how we got here. We can instead arrive at it with more surefootedness and clarity.

Being in ceremony offers you this commitment. You can’t go wrong when you commit to yourself.

A Rite to Rage: Sacred Rage Rites

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I grew up being told that it wasn’t okay for me to be angry. This is something that my parents told me directly.

Good girls don’t get angry.

Nice daughters don’t react.

Hold your tongue.

I grew up with anger being a bad word, and not an expression I was allowed to feel or embody, especially at and about my parents. My parents’ anger and rage were not always proportional to what I did and so I grew to fear anger. I know now it’s because my parents didn’t have the capacity to hold it. They were not allowed to feel angry as children either. Their unprocessed feelings continued to live inside them, only to be misplaced onto me when they became adults.

“In an effort to be perceived as good, we have denied ourselves the potency of what rage can empower.” So says Meggan Watterson in her book, The Girl Who Baptized Herself. And yet, the good we are is inherent as to what it means to be human. Our goodness is not meant to be performative. Her book Mary Magdalene Revealed came into my life in a very timely way. One key take-away was the original 7 Powers of Mary Magdalene that later became the 7 sins; one if them was Rage that ultimately warped into a shadow interpretation of Wrathful Vengeance.

Now I know that it wasn’t that I wasn’t allowed to be angry, but that these feelings were too hard for my parents to navigate. They didn’t know how to temper their own anger or allow it to be present when they were children. This is especially true for my mother. So I internalized this inherited limiting belief that anger is wrong.

I no longer resent my mom for her anger because I know what to do now to let my anger be felt and processed, and move through me. I trust when i sit with a feeling, that feeling is telling me something: Resentment tells us that something needs to be expressed or grieved because someone else has something that you also want and don’t have. Now I sit with so much more wisdom, empathy, and understanding about my mom‘s anger as it was unexpressed pain, trauma, and grief that she also had to hold in only for it to explode.

She also inherited this anger.

Our foremothers were forced to internalize anger and become small, mainly because women’s anger was threatening. Not to ourselves, but to men and folks who wanted to re-shift power to benefit them.

“There’s a rage that love inspires that serves as information and there’s a rage that seeks to destroy. understanding the distinction between the two is the difference between healing and remaining in the grip of suffering.” Meggan Watterson.

Is it perimenopause or rightful rage?

Or is that the scream that has been living in your body the people pleaser or nice girl who is burnt out. Are you tired of being ignored or teased?

PMS as we know it has become pathologized and negative. So has perimenopause and the fact that so many women are wanting a divorce in mid-life.

Maybe that hot flash is your body screaming for your attention. Maybe it is your Inner Fire telling you have power. I have noticed that I often feel a surge of heat when I sit with a client who is telling me about an injustice, pain, or lack of support in their life.

Let’s take a moment to remember what our menstrual cycle teaches us. We go through inner seasons and moods with each menstrual phase. For instance, our Luteal Stage that appears right before our bleed is the Truth-Teller. It reveals what has not been able to happen for us – that can come with sorrow or rage. It is meant to be processed or metabolized. Our menstrual cycle is also connected to our motherline, the red thread that has continued down from our foremothers. It is also that cycles back each month in our own body. So often, the rage we feel now is due to a lifetime (or several) of not getting our needs met. That anger may feel disproportional to the specific moment, but it is a call for our attention for something to change.

It’s been a reclamation for me to listen to my anger as a messenger and having a rightful place in my emotional ecosystem.

I needed to heal my Inner Angry Teenage Girl

One key thing I’ve done to reclaim this is to repair what my body needs to express anger. That means moving it through, baring my teeth and making noise. It means embodying the sacredness of the feeling, and not the aggression that used to take over.

Speak your truth. Anger is a superpower.

It’s a reckoning.
It’s a re-wilding.

We have a lot to be angry about.

Anger is a valid response to something that happened. It is an oracle. It is a truth teller. It shows us a need or boundary has been violated. My anger is valid as it tells me something powerful. The difference is not taking this power and misusing it, but to let the power be an energy field within.

We know now it’s never too late to rewire and repair the needs that we had that weren’t met. So now, as I sit with the parts of me who have metabolized old stories, one thing that has been so helpful for me is to let the anger move through me and out. Doing it in a way that feels more like a channel versus a reactive explosion is the key.

My Parts Fight with Yours
It is when our Parts jump onboard the bus and refuse to leave the driver’s seat that conflict erupts. It is our parts that are in conflict with each other, both within us and between us. Maybe that thing we call mom rage is just a young part who’s screaming WHAT ABOUT ME? “Sometimes i wonder if the raging mother – me who fantasizes about throwing the pasta against the wall, is simply the acting out of my inner child who is angered and hurt at the injustice of being so chronically overlooked.” Anna Mathur

If we can slow down and sit with curiosity about a feeling we’re having, it is a messenger. It is trying to tell us something first somatically, and then we bring consciousness to it with our mind.

Those of us socialized as girls and conditioned to be good girls were taught to internalize our anger because being angry isn’t nice. And yet the world we live in is the opposite of nice. And so now our unprocessed rage and generational pattern of being quiet are starting to erupt. And maybe that’s exactly what those in power were afraid of so many centuries ago.

I believe that we are here now for a reason. What I’m learning and unlearning for myself and others is part of the alchemy that needs to happen for change to be manifested. This is especially true for those of us who have children in our lives (in whatever way) because they are the change that we need to keep this momentum going. I first had to unlearn that limiting belief that anger is scary or destabilizing so that my children can embody it more fully.

“We cannot contain our soft heart without a spine.” Adriana Rizzolo

Anger is a mobilizing feeling and expression. It needs to move to go somewhere. So, we need to listen to the soft animal of our body. We need to feel that anger rise as heat in our body, that fight that is trying to get out. It is not wanting to fight others but rather, fight for us, on our behalf. And yes, we need to thank it for its message, and turn towards it with love and understanding.

Our feelings have a somatic experience in our body. It is a sign of strength to have a wellspring of emotions. The fire inside me is my Inner Oracle telling me when something is wrong. Learning how to titrate it and still vocalize and let it be present is where the alchemical change happens. I’m reclaiming my anger as an Oracle messenger telling me that an injustice has been experienced. My anger isn’t just for me, but for all of us. And maybe that’s exactly what those in power were afraid of so many centuries ago. If we can slow down and sit with curiosity about a feeling we’re having, it is a messenger. It is trying to tell us something first somatically, and then we bring consciousness to it with our mind.

Midlife rage is unprocessed anger from our life and before our life. Our wombs and lives have inherited how our mothers expressed anger and conflict. Rage is present because it wants something to be different and it’s mobilized in our body and our nervous system as a fight energy. Sometimes it’s righteous or sacred rage because our needs or boundaries aren’t being met.

Often what happens is we couple anger with its shadow side of aggression and uncontrolled action. Anger shows us when our needs have not been met, namely, our boundaries and also what we find to not be aligned with our values. The more we keep our anger at bay it can become a volcano that explodes out of context or out of proportion. We can use anger as an Oracle, a Messenger telling us what our needs are. Anger is a mobilizing feeling and expression. It needs to move to go somewhere. Anger itself is only information. What we DO with it is what matters.

“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.” Arundhati Roy

There is so much to be angry about and I think our right and rite to anger were the missing ingredient that is needed to create this change for a better world. Patriarchal forces don’t like us to be angry. So they made us internalize the anger as a bad feeling.

We need to move through this together to reclaim the rightful place anger has in our body and experience so that we can express it.

At the beginning of this year, I didn’t foresee that there would be a cascade of more violence, misogyny, and hatred. And yet I’m also not surprised. Maybe the momentum that we need to shapeshift into the fire horse energy of this year is embodying anger as fuel.

In the Womb of Winter: Midlife Apprenticeship for a Future Crone

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We are in the final weeks of Winter where I live. It’s connected to the sacred feminine energy of the Crone, the elder matriarch who models rest, wisdom, and patience. Winter is seen as the menstruation time of shedding, of turning inward, of pausing. The crone also embodies the dark feminine qualities of not caring about what others think of her, and being able to create on her own terms for her own needs. She holds the balance of sovereignty and solitude, and sits at the tension of becoming conscious as an elder who embraces love, joy and compassion, instead of resisting them and living from a dark and disparaging place.

In North American overculture, we have not revered our elders, especially our grandmothers and older women. Patriarchy has intentionally cast them to the side. Our modern-day witch trials all but made this so. Gone are actual fires (thank goodness) so instead are offers of botox, hormone supplements, and weight loss programs (called Raven no less!) to keep us looking young, beautiful and vital.

We don’t have to look far to know where this is coming from. These first 2 months of 2026 have been accompanied by files that have opened up the dark side of humanity, to no one’s surprise really. These are the pandora box nightmares of our times. It also confirms that the patriarchal Kings of men have been grooming us all to stay young-looking, and ultimately reliant on their products, preferences, and power. It is inspiring to see how many of us are resisting this oppressive and violent system, creating by pedophilic patriarchal men. It is long overdue.

It is not lost on me that we live in a world where blood is shed in war and violence, and yet it is monthly blood and anything to do with the womb that really terrifies men in power. We don’t have to look farther than these files that remind us just how young and pre-pubescent men in power want women to be, before we claimed our power.

In her book, The Owl was a Baker’s Daughter, Marion Woodman wrote, “I cannot grow in the life of the spirit until I grow to love my body. Only when [women] surrender to that spirit will their body reflect that totality instead of seeking the spirit outside, women must learn to hear the voice of their own abandoned self, and that’s reconnect with their own inner mystery. The woman who has not found herself in her own body is dependent on a man to help her to be born on this earth, and is therefore inclined to project herself onto the man she loves. By whatever route, she must find her own God within.”

I have been resisting internalizing the male gaze and preference for many years, and yet it can be so hard at times. We are inundated over and over again and absolutely without our consent or full consciousness. The story that the ideal woman is of a certain age, calibre and creation. Perimenopausal women are forced to fight against this inevitable unfolding that comes with age. We need to embrace our changing body as a natural life stage, like puberty. It is not a disease! This means having autonomy over how we can for our body, as well as address our internalized sexism and ageism.

We don’t have to look any further than social media and pop culture to know just how true this cultural norm is.

I’ve been watching a show that captures this tension quite well. It’s an older show that I only recently discovered and seemingly have become a bit obsessed with. It’s called Younger and is the story about a woman in her early 40s who can’t find work after her divorce, and so decides to portray herself as a much younger woman in order to be employable.

While it’s entertaining to be sure, it does provide just enough of a dose of satire and a feminist lens to still be seen as light. And yet I wish it was even stronger. Though my journal here isn’t a review of the show, it makes my point that women of a certain age become more invisible as we age; the show has only mentioned perimenopause and menopause one or two times in one episode (though i’m hopeful it comes up again in later seasons). and of course, the fact that this actor portraying this woman is young-enough looking to pass for 26 is also something to not glance over.

I also love spending time with multigenerational women, for the most part it’s with women 15 years or even 20 years younger than me. What inspires me about that generation is how they are already embracing their spiritual soul in a way that I never got to then. We need these mutually beneficial relationships where support is reciprocal. There is strength in these bonds. And yet, i can’t help but also notice that there are no elders for the main character. She has a couple of friends her age, and yet there’s no one to guide her to reclaim her rightful place. There’s no one there to help her see that she is already valid and worthy based on all the experience she’s had.

It’s also hard not to notice the reality of her needing to become a maiden in order to start over again after divorce. The rite of passage wasn’t completed so she has to start over and have this do-over opportunity. I don’t know where her parents are: She’s a bit like me, flailing without elders and so it gives me pause to remember this challenge i am taxed with. As I enter 50, I’m in this midlife portal, midwifing my way through midlife. I’m nowhere near becoming an elder, and yet I think if I really consciously embrace each life stage, it allows me time to apprentice with elderhood: To really learn about what I will need to be an elder for my children and others, what tasks and skills i need. So I’m doing it now – gathering and gleaming gems of wisdom so that I can store them away in my cauldron of transformation that might come out if I’m lucky in 20 years. It’s a time capsule in reverse, casting a vision for my future. As I see this, what feels really true is my wise older self is with me now, thinking about the future and not just mine but the way that I hold support for others.

“There is no birth of consciousness without pain. Every step forward means tearing oneself loose from the maternal womb of unconsciousness, with suffering and longing back to the primal state.” He also shares that “the greatest potential for growth and self-realization exists in the second half of life.” Carl Jung, Mysterium Coniunctionis

A Conscious Path to Crone and Elderhood
I have been reflecting on my mom’s story, especially the psychological wound i inherited from her, that of loneliness and elder-loss. My mom came to Canada in her early 20’s and was never really mothered again. She left behind her whole family and home country. She went through childbirth, learned English, gained weight, lived in an unhappy marriage, and also experienced menopause all without being mothered. Food was her comfort and inner mother, feeding her with support and some presence.

As we are sitting in this liminal space between one season coming to an end and not yet entering a new one, it’s a beautiful moment to remember how we too have our own inner seasons. Rebecca Campbell calls Inner Winter the time of the fertile void. It is the medicine of Winter, where we are called to rest so we can regenerate and ultimately be born anew in Spring. Seasons and life mirror each other – an ending is a beginning. The seed in the fertile womb of earth needs to evolve into a new iteration, and not remain the same. This is how the tomb of one ending becomes the womb of a new version of ourselves, at each threshold.

Liminality holds the tension that is developmental transitions like menarche, matrescence, and menopause. When we can embrace the transition as an all-encompassing rite of passage and infuse ritual and ceremony to it, we can endure the challenges that come with it and also not feel so alone in the process. Take perimenopause for example, on one side of the coin, it is called a midlife crisis. Whereas i see it as a midlife awakening, a portal that opens up if we can step through it with consciousness and be transformed – that it is the reward of transformation and integration. We need to accept we are no longer who we were, and not yet this new version rite of away. This is the liminal in-between that offers us time to embody who we are becoming. We are incubating in the goo of the chrysalis, not quite a butterfly.

We need to navigate the paradox of what needs to end in order to birth a new reality as an Elder, a wise woman, a Crone. A big component of this acceptance is learning how to validate all of the feelings they come along for a ride, including anger, and not perpetuate limiting beliefs that view anger with shame.

I’m really feeling this alignment with the seasons in my late stage dance with perimenopause, and also this idea of a second spring being an opportunity to begin something again. Second Spring is a term that Kate Codrington coined as a way to take the first step into life in our Post-menopause. It’s not that I’m in this brand new phase of life like the magician card in tarot, but rather this next iteration or evolution of the wheel, where I’ve moved up and over the second mountain of life a little bit.

The Red Thread
As someone who honours cyclical living and the moon phases as a guide, learning about my own mother line through the red thread story is playing a key role in how I navigate this new landscape. Red thread work includes healing our lineage and mother wound, and also having a reparative experience with an intentional ceremony to honour this rite of passage. For many people who menstruate, we did not have an official way of being honoured when our menses started. This is a healing re-authoring opportunity. Do you remember the first time you bled? How was it honoured, how did you feel about it? Do you know your mom’s first initiation and if it was honoured at all?

This stage of life is being experienced by more people than ever before. Not only are we living longer, we are also more severed from our ancestors’ practices and customs about rites of passage. Our individualized society and prioritization of the nuclear family has led to a devaluing of community and ceremony. We see more folks striving to de-colonize their therapy practices and everyday life, surely. Our mothers are not sharing about their menopause transition so easily so we are left to learn about it on our own, without the mentors we so desperately need. So, the vultures in the medical system sneak in and make us feel the only options to support our symptoms are physical interventions. There is not enough guidance about what is waiting for us on the other side of this portal – more life, and one that is more ours.

We need to remember that we are not meant to be alone in life transitions. In fact, when we face them alone, it has a risk of more psychological strain and struggle on us. We are not seen or supported through the thresholds that are part of our human experience. We move through life uninitiated. We are ashamed about our body’s changes, confused about what to do, and also left alone in the overwhelm.

The symptoms that accompany menopause are natural processes that should support our maturation into elderhood. What we call hot flashes may be our body’s way of trying to get our attention to slow down. Our brain fog may be a quiet revolt about thing we no longer need to know. Our body’s changes can be like a tree’s age rings that shows wisdom and a life fully lived. Developmental transitions such as this are not unlike puberty, which is also a biological change. That one is an initiation into eventual adulthood, whereas perimenopause is a signifier that we are starting to age out of our relevance. At least accordingly to North American overculture. In other areas of the world, there is still a respect for elders and the wisdom that accompanies age. In Japan, menopause is known as ‘konenki’. The symptoms are seen as signs of the transition, not a problem to fix. It is seen as the ‘second spring’ and a time of renewal, wisdom, and a chance to reclaim the life we are meant to have. In North American, patriarchal power is afraid of women who are reclaiming their freedom and creativity in their later years.

A psycho-spiritual lens to perimenopause inspires the image of a threshold or portal to step through. Instead of going through the experience with legacy burdens or limiting beliefs, we can have clarity and compassion. With this change comes grief and the loss of an established identity. This identity or midlife crisis can be a descent that inspires an awakening. Looking back at the Heroine Journey, we can see that initiations are a time of descent and sacrifice that create transformation.

When we accept this initiation as a rite of passage and the gift of it, we also get to experience a more transformational shift as we step through the perimenopause portal with conscious awareness. What is waiting for us is the felt sense experience of calm, clarity, renewed focus, re-found strength and a deeper connection to our purpose (research conducted by Dr. Kirsty Holland and Dr. Jennifer Hacker Pearson).

Seven Tasks of Ageing
I spent most of last year in this soul mystery school of sorts with the wise teacher Sil Read. She herself was mentored by Marion Woodman years ago. The class was broken down into three trimesters, helping us hold the tension of opposite realms of conscious feminine initiation. We wove a web via the archetypes of Mother through Virgin, all the way to Crone. I am in the era of the Virgin; a Sovereign woman who is whole and embracing myself. I am doing this with more balance and grace now as i enter my 50s consciously. Looking back at my life now, i see how i attempted to find the balance as i entered other stages of life. The messy adult initiation of 23-34, my mothering threshold at 35. And now, stepping through the portal of my Virgin era (officially 50-70) feels more fully present and possible.

In Carl Jung’s body of work, he shares tasks of aging. I love the consciousness that comes with stepping into this role with integrity and intention. I chatted with a dear friend about this and we got curious about the elders we want to be someday. I’m nowhere near ready to be a crone as I’m just now finding my footing in my virgin/queen era. To be an elder is a privilege that most older adults don’t get. To be seen as wise when i am a 75 woman is the biggest accomplishment and achievement for me. And not for the work i do and the success from that. Rather, it is from a life fully lived, and to have people sit at my fit and ask for my life story; that will be such a gift and honour. And yet being wise is embodying my knowledge in putting it into action and so this is one way that I am tested with apprenticing with becoming an elder someday. If I am so lucky to be one, I will do it with a badge of honour: That means I need to do it with joy over despair, love over being negative.

Our grief phobic and illiterate overculture is afraid to face the reality of aging and death. When we accept this inevitable ending, it offers us an opportunity. How we choose to begin to face the reality of this is the key to unlocking this door that stands at the crossroads.

We are never “old” old because in each new moment you are new. It is in this newness that i seek to explore more in my work. The nature of circling back to myself and my life already lived is a practice of remembering what younger versions of me wanted, and being able to fulfil those dreams now because I also want them still AND can birth them. And it’s having that wisdom to know how to apply all i have learned along the way. When we take time to sit with who we are becoming, and what we hope for our life – this allows space for sovereignty and agency.

Storytelling as Medicine

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We are in the season of Spring where i live, which is represented by the element of Air. This is the time of new beginnings, the fresh air of change, the rebirth and the sunrise as a new dawn. Air is connected to the suit of swords in Tarot, which are all about action, ambition, courage and change. Air is also magical for the speaker and listener. We use our words, and repeat them into the air by casting a spell with our words. When we speak out loud what we want, we are in fact speaking our truth more assertively and intentionally.

Storytelling is one of the oldest and most universal forms of community-building. We are not meant to tell stories alone, they are meant to be shared. And, since we are social creatures, we heal in healthy relationships. I view storytelling as a resource for healing, growth and transformation. Integration and acceptance of a new life transition or realization cannot truly happen without being witnessed and companioned through it. Stories are meant to be shared with listeners who hold space for the story and teller, both. This form of holding space ultimately becomes a catalyst to be more fully actualized as ourselves.

Here are some ways that i have found being a story listener to be a central piece in how i work and hold space as a psychotherapist. As a psychotherapist who works from a feminist, narrative framework, story-telling and listening, as well as holding space is a big part of the alchemy that happens in my therapy sessions. Feminist Narrative Therapy is a post-modern modality of therapy that is based in a deeper connection to the subjective meaning that is typically lost in everyday conversations.

Talk therapy gets a bad wrap and yet I’ve noticed that it is through speaking out loud that we get the opportunity of integration that helps our cognitive parts understand the information we receive from our body. We need to talk in order to process the work of everyday life. It is a balance of both/and of talking and doing. We offer this integration after major trips and pilgrimages, or a psychedelic immersion. Birth story processing is a key resource to help folks heal from birth trauma. Sometimes the experience is quiet reflection alone, or in a journal, but it is typically recapping or debriefing the story that unfolded regardless.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ~ Maya Angelou

I used to work as a front-line crisis counsellor for folks who experienced gender-based violence. One of the strongest messages in the gender-based violence sector is that ‘your silence will not protect you.’ These powerful words by Audre Lorde are a direct proclamation of the power of healing that can happen when we share the truth of our lives. We also now know that we do not need to in fact go over our past traumas in chronologically story-book form in order to heal them. This is not how healing works, and yet when a person wants to be witnessed in their resilience and strength, that is also a powerfully catalyst to get to heal. One of the programs that i was most honoured to organize was an annual gathering for the people we supported. We would spend the day together, in workshops and intentionally sharing stories of healing and resilience. One of the stages of Post-Traumatic Growth is to share our story as a way to heal, and to also be an inspiration for others.

Stories help heal shame, as it is in the shared experience and common humanity that we offer a balm to shame, which would otherwise thrive in isolation. I have found this especially empowering for the people i support who may carry limiting beliefs about themselves, their bodies, or how they gave birth, or the break-up or break-down they experienced.

Some stories do not have to be real to be impactful. They jut need to be relatable in some way.

Archetype stories have become a special kind of steward for me, in so many ways – when i became an adult, a mother, and also in the years since becoming motherless. Now, as i surrender to perimenopause i am once again reading the feminine-based archetypal stories that feature wise women, medicine women, wild women, hags and crones. Myths and fairy/folk tales offer a universal truth for all of us, as well as a map that is possible for us. Any one of us can read the story and glean something that is familiar in it that reflects our own lived reality. This is comforting and affirming.

Marion Woodman was a great advocate for archetypal stories. In her book The Maiden King she shares this: “Our bodies love metaphors because they join our bodies to our soul rather than abandoning them to a soulless state. The ancient alchemists called this body soul state “the subtle body”. They believed that the deeper we go into the subtle body, the greater the soul treasures it contains.” I would take this point a step further and connect it to how stories in general are a way to deepen our relationship with our soul. If you have ever been in my therapy room with me, you will know that i love to share a good story as a metaphor as a way to explain a theory or experience.

Just as we are not meant to be alone with a story to tell, so too are we not meant to be alone in our grief. Transformation can happen for grievers when they are able to share these stories with someone who holds space for them, and both welcomes and encourages the stories to flow. This is done through the power of storytelling.

When my mom died, something that i found so kind and generous was when people in my life asked me to talk about her, to share her stories, to honour her legacy. In my own therapy practice, i offer grief work and tending to the broken hearts of someone who has experienced loss. I see how transformative this dedicated time is in the healing journey. It is through the process of being seen and heard that anyone who is grieving a loss can feel more held and less alone. Incorporating narrative in this stage is a helpful way to establish a more full sense of self.

Taking this a step further, when people are given an audience that is both compassionate and attuned, links can be made to the story and to their own life. For instance, I have found solace in cleaning out my mother’s things. Being able to share the experience of cleaning out my mother’s belongings is a universally understood rite of passage. We are not meant to do it alone, even if the act itself is a solitary process. Friends who asked me more than the standard “how are you?” received a more full and true account of my learnings and discoveries.

“Stories can be helpful tools for surviving hardship and navigating complexity. That is, when we craft them as sturdy boats, built to our dimensions and desires. But many stories are bigger than our single lives and desires. Many stories are invisible: so big, so culturally ingrained, that we are blind to the ways in which they drive and constrain our lives.” The Body is a Doorway, Sophie Strand

Not only was my grief more held, it was in the telling of the stories that i was able to come alive amidst my mourning. I was also able to truly express what i was going through, in detail. This invitation offered depth and spaciousness for me to debrief, unpack, and process what i was encountering in my grief.

No one is fully prepared for the time that their mother dies, no matter how expected it is, nor if the griever is a therapist herself, well-versed in holding space in grief counselling. I had to find the right balance between my personal grief process and my role as a psychotherapist who is well-versed in the healing balm of storytelling.

Where does the listener turn when she needs to be held and companioned through her own loss?

As we see in Rites of Passage theory, it is necessary to be witnessed in the transition from one version of us to a new sense of self. This is in fact, a way that we can move through the process of a rite of passage such as mother loss. Being witnessed in this transition is what can deepen the healing process, and in fact get to a more transformed and integrated sense of self.

In these dark and painful times, i’m turning to fantasy novels as support, solace, and sisterhood. For instance, in Starhawk’s novel Walking to Mercury, she shares that the healing that happens from ritual isn’t necessarily the trance work, drumming, dancing or singing that helps. “What healed was simply the opening to speak their pain and have it heard.”

I am working on ways to decolonize my therapy practice and life in general. In Dr. Jen Mullan’s book, Decolonizing Therapy, she shares powerful insights and guidance on how to shift from a western capitalist model to one that is more holistic and person-centred. As i deepen into my own process, i am reclaiming trust in my ability to bring in more a psychospiritual lens. While therapy is not inherently a ritual, we can infuse ritual into our work together. ((Stay tuned to my next journal article where i share some of the ways i do just that.)) ETA: Immediately after i posted this, i saw someone i deeply admire also share that “ritual is the original therapy.” One of the most beautiful experiences to witness is the shift folks experience when they sit in session and have someone who holds unconditional regard, a compassionate and non-judgemental stance, and also undivided attention for their story. This is what we call relational alchemy. The ultimate gift is witnessing someone transform and i am given the opportunity to experience vicarious resilience.

I see my therapy practice more and more like a ceremony. It is not mere work, transactional at best or hurtful at worst. Having a “career” is capitalist after all (thank-you Dra. Rocio for this reframe). Sitting together and sharing breath in the same room is a ceremony webbing the invisible golden thread of co-regulation, attunement and medicine between us, through us, and around us. Therapy is a prayer. It doesn’t have to be with another person; it is a catalysing moment that deepens our healing and transforms it. It just needs words spoken in some way to create that shift.

“The truth is, in order to heal we need to tell our stories and have them witnessed…the story itself becomes a vessel that holds us up, that sustains, that allows us to order our jumbled experiences into meaning. As i told my stories of fear, awakening, struggle, and transformation and had them received, heard, and validated by other women, I found healing. I also needed to hear other women’s stories in order to see and embrace my own. Sometimes another woman’s story becomes a mirror that shows me a self that i haven’t seen before. When I listen to her tell it, her experience quickens and clarifies my own. Her questions rouse mine. Her conflicts illuminate my conflicts. Her resolutions call forth my hope. Her strengths summon my strengths. All of this can happen even when our stories and our lives are very different.” ~ Sue Monk Kidd, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter

Healing requires recovery, and it is a life-long journey to heal. Not because we are incapable of doing it better. Rather, new experiences can activate what felt healed in the past and is now being brought back up to the surface, but in a new way. For instance, maybe as a child you were not listened to. Maybe you were never asked to share your dreams or hopes, or what imaginative stories were. Growing up, we then internalise the story literally – that what we have to share is not worthy to be heard by others. The story isn’t the only thing that can be silenced – our dreams and self-worth also are threatened to die inside us.

Therapy can be an alchemizing experience where clients are reborn, birthing their healed self from the embers of a former life. Therapists are the doulas who support their clients in this transition of becoming. When we share how we are feeling or what we need, we are being authentic to ourselves. This level of witnessing or experience and listening with attention also lets us know that we exist and we matter. When we stop speaking up for our feelings and needs, we suffer a level of self-abandonment, and also possibly a true death.

I know this might seem dramatic. And yet I sit with this truth that my mom died because of complications of undiagnosed ovarian cancer. The story she was sharing for so long was that her stomach hurt. I know that this was a complaint, and I also know that no one really took it seriously, including myself. If only someone had listened sooner, I know things would’ve been different.

“During both painful and joyful moments, we can often recall the things that kept us going — the people who mirrored our own goodness to us — the words shared that reminded us of what could be, what could become, what was possible.” Lisa Olivera, in a newsletter

As a feminist therapist, one of our principles is to self-disclose from our lived experience. We don’t share where the wounds are still raw, but where the scars have healed over. Sharing stories can also be so affirming, empowering and inspiring for the folks that I give this medicine to. This shared humanity experience can further fuel their own motivation. Knowledge is Power and sharing resources is also a Feminist principle.

Another aspect of the therapeutic container is that the therapist becomes an active listener to someone’s story, with undivided attention and a very present attention. This then becomes a Reparative Experience – we are given the healing balm of being heard and listened to, and not carrying the fear of being too much, as we possibly once believed. So many of us, especially women, mothers, and life-long care providers are starving for the attention to be seen and heard as well. This may be a band-aid to a larger problem, the mental health and therapy industrial complex exists as an imperfect solution to a lack of strong community and connection. And yet, as we can practice repair work, earning secure attachment, and healing relational wounds in the therapy space, for now this is a solution that works.

The therapeutic relationship offers more than psychoeducation and passive listening. It also is a space for tender acts of affection, and vulnerability by wearing our hearts on our lab coat sleeves now and then. A compassionate witness and true space holder listens with reverence. Having a place to reflect and unpack can be alchemical.

At least for me, it is more than just a couch and a quiet nod. I get right into your story, and get comfy in my chair or on the floor right beside you.

My Daughter is a Fawn

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Last year, on one of my escapes from the city during the pandemic, i came across a baby deer. It was truly a magnificent sight. We locked eyes for several minutes. I tracked its posture and racing heart. She stayed perfectly still, trying to blend into the forest floor she had been napping in. She looked so much like the depiction of Bambi that i thought i was making her up.

As someone who has been immersed in trauma therapy and continues to train in the area of somatic therapy, using our animal friends as reference is commonplace in therapy trainings. I have watched several videos of various animals following their survival instincts, as a lesson to see how humans also react to stress or fear-based moments in a similar way.

Most of us have heard of the concept of “Fight or Flight”. It is something that i have written about here several times. This past year, even more of us have heard of Freeze and maybe even Fawning. Well, this actual fawn did not fawn to me, or presumably its mama that was most likely close by. She froze, or rather feigned dead. She stayed perfectly still for several moments, tracking me with her eyes, nose, ears and surely a 6th sense. When she saw me whisper to my partner (who was able to witness this beautiful sight and therefore vouch for the authenticity of my story), she took that moment to Flee. Maybe she ran to her mama, but i could see no other 4 legged creature nearby.

We can learn a lot from our animal friends. In truth, we are not that different from them.

Take my daughter for instance. She has perfected the art of a good compliment. I’m not exactly sure where she learned this as she’s only 9. She will do it to just about anyone. I think it’s a wonderful trait as it softens people and she sees the humanity in them. Even today, on our first adventure to the world of shopping after a long term lockdown, she complimented the cashier on her shirt. It was a cool shirt – a classic Empire Strikes Back retro tee. It led to a long chat about our favourite Star Wars characters and why. My daughter knows how to break the ice. She’s social and extroverted for sure. She also is good at connecting with others. This shopping trip was surely in the area of a safe and relaxed outing, so she was happy and relaxed – in a Ventral Vagal Part of her Nervous System. But she does this too when in conflict with her family – this is where the fawning comes in.

The other day, we got into a conflict over doing a chore that i asked her to do several times. This is a pretty typical argument, and yet i was not as regulated as i’d like to admit (i’m a human first, mom second, and then therapist after all). She picked up on this – co-regulation and neuroception goes both ways. So, she complimented me on my 15-year old bathing suit that i was wearing at the time. To be fair, i love it too and it is a gem. But, i knew she was doing it to stay on my good side, and to feel safe. My partner called it manipulative, but i now see it as Fawning. As a younger child, she used to do it more physically, with running to us for cuddles, or being close. Now, as a very articulate and socially aware young human, she has a deeper sense of co-regulation and helping clear the air. This is where appeasing the other person comes in.

To be clear, my daughter lives in a safe and loving home, with parents who are present and attunement, albeit re-parenting their own wounded parts (some that were activated during the pandemic). Her instinct to appease is not because she is in harm’s way, but rather how her body responds to stress she takes in from conflict. It is in her DNA and Nervous System level where the instinct comes. In other words, it’s not her, but her nervous system responding for her. All creatures, humans included, have this instinct to survive under duress be it fight, flight, freeze or fawn.

For the record, my son is a Fighter and I’m a former Freezer. Plus my daughter also plays a role in starting a lot of fights. There’s an inner fighter in her too. As a feminist mom, a part of me is relieved. But that’s a story for another time.

In some children, this instinct is definitely linked to a stronger need to survive.

In childhood, where most of these survival instincts start to form, children who fawn learn to put their own needs and feelings aside as it feels safer to appease the other person. For anyone who grew up in an abusive home environment, fawning is used as a powerful safety strategy and survival skill. Children learn quickly that saying ‘yes’ is safer than saying ‘no’, even if it goes against their own wishes. Self-sacrifice and people-pleasing becomes the default to stay safe, even when there is violence present. Repressing their own needs becomes an adaptive strategy to de-escalate any further potential danger.

When it’s used time and time again to diffuse a conflict, the body stores this default and people-pleasing becomes a maladaptive coping strategy. As adults, our body remembers these acts of appeasing or fawning, but our cognitive brain struggles with connecting the dots.

How I might respond to someone and fawn is a way to keep myself safe when I feel in conflict. For instance, I recently noticed myself fawning in response to a potential conflict with a neighbour. While the details are irrelevant here, it was only when i was reflecting with my friends later did i notice my instinctual response. My need to be safe and people please over-rode my own internal felt sense of knowing we were not doing anything wrong. I avoid conflict and yet have had to deal with it firsthand many times. As a child and youth, i definitely had a fawn response to conflict. My go-to fawn response to conflict with others is something that i have been working on recently. This is especially important in unpacking my own white privilege and internalized stories. Looking back, it reminded me of a recent newsletter article by Rachael Maddox (if you don’t already know of her wonderful work, this is your chance). She spoke about the difference between humility and fawning. Humility is about acknowledging the humanity in everyone involved, with sovereignty. Fawning is the instinctual motivation to be safe when we are afraid to cause harm, and it doesn’t inherently provide space to grow trust and collective healing. Reflecting on this, it showed me again how the two concepts are two sides of the same coin, showing up based on where i am in my nervous system regulation and how my vagus nerve is tending to me.

There has been a lot of talk in the therapy world about the concept of ‘fawning’. Cathy Malchiodi wrote a powerful article recently, using a feminist lens to unpack the inherently sexist connation of the term. New words have been created to speak to its truer meaning. Appeasement, fitting in (a slightly different practice actually) and now Feigning. I do think that there is a place for fawning though, as i have seen and felt it firsthand in my own children. I am not entirely sure if the Fawn response is gendered, and yet it is girls who are taught the art and reward of compliments, as well as finding cuddles acceptable. There may be an inherently internalized sexism at play. It might come from our own mirroring. I do know that these 4 F’s are nervous system instinctual responses, so there is no thought to it.

Connection, attunement and co-regulation are necessary for all creatures. Being close to others is a safety resource and a right (thank-you to Polyvagal Theory we get that info now even more). I don’t want my daughter to stop her desire to connect to others. She has remedied and repaired a lot of conflict with her fawning and quick bounce back. In fact, she is pretty good at repair for a 9-year old. For anyone actually. And i do know i need to support her in her need to fawn. So this change starts with me – scanning my response that might make her fawn in the first place. It’s hard work to be more regulated with a child who has pushed my buttons time and again. And yet, no one said parenting is easy.

This is tenfold when you are healing your own trauma alongside parenting.

So many of us may be starting to see the toll people-pleasing, fawning, and fitting in have on our our self-agency, autonomy and sovereignty. But don’t worry, there are ways to start to heal this survival strategy.

To start, it is very helpful to learn more about your own Limits and Boundaries. Ugh, i said the word Boundaries. Yup, they have a lot to do with healing our Inner People Pleaser. Play with your invisible moat – how close can people get to you physically before you start to feel like they are invading your space. In a world healing from the pandemic of Covid19, this practice is especially timely and poignant.

Fawning is very connected to that felt sense of ‘walking on eggshells.’ This is where you know that there may be an imminent explosion and your instinct is to de-escalate the situation by sacrificing your own needs or people pleasing. So, track your body’s response – put your arms out to see where your border is for instance. Follow your heart rate, tension on your legs, or tightness in your shoulders. Sometimes we don’t catch our survival response until later. So, use some time to reflect on what happened. Can you track your body’s response at the time? Think of what could have happened if you didn’t try to make this right, or manage other’s responses to you. What would happen if you expressed a disagreement openly?

Before answering a hesitant ‘yes’ to someone’s request of you, take a Sacred Pause. Breathe out a slow exhale (think of a breath out 1-2-3) and then see if you can access a gentle but firm ‘no.’ That exhale activates your parasympathetic nervous system and vagus nerve – the shift from a reaction to a more intentional response. It relaxes your body from going into fight or flight, which can spawn the drive to fawn.

Take some time to reflect on your journey with fawning. This may be a hard exercise so notice if you have capacity for it. Tracking a narrative timeline is a helpful way to also show that your survival response did just that – helped you survive. It may feel counterintuitive to thank it, but showing gratitude for the Part of you that helped you survive is so healing. There may be a younger version of you that just wants you to know that you are grateful and working on healing any self-hatred or shame that may be attached to the trauma you endured. Remember, you did not deserve the pain that was caused you.

Now moving into your present, think of some people in your life who honour your boundaries, who respect you, and who value you for who you are. When thinking of them, what sensations do you notice in your body? Is there any soften that is more accessible, are you breathing deeper, or maybe your shoulders drop a bit and are more relaxed. If you cannot access a person who honours this, think of a pet, or take some time to watch some movies or TV shows where you can witness characters having this healthy boundary practice. This exercise helps you access your social engagement system where your Ventral Vagus Nerve thrives.

I think we also need to do an about-face with being nice. It presents as less threatening for sure, and can de-escalate conflict. But to what end? I know i have been nice more times than i want to admit, and it’s my own self-worth that paid the price. I kind of love the acronym of being a BITCH – a woman who Believes in Taking Care of Herself. We need to reclaim this word as patriarchy as stolen it from us, like so many things. I am sick of being the nice girl who is trying to soften any possible conflict, be minimizing my own needs and worth in the process.

Treat your skin like the border it is. Notice how your feet ground you, how you hands can honour the distance you need from someone else. I bet you have been tracking what it feels like to wear a mask these many months! In the next week, walk barefoot outside and see what sensations is brought for. Nourish your hands as they hold you in resonance. Get naked in bed, just to feel the sheets on your skin directly. Track your skin’s sensations in connection to your stress of safety response. Think of pins and needles, or that sensation that awakens in the back of your neck. Skin is there to help you track your interocetpion – your response to others. So also make time to show it love and attention. Give it a gentle massage or lotion to savour. Show it gratitude.

One final tip is to orient yourself to your physical space when you feel unsafe. I love the somatic resource of Orienting as it helps me titrate the feeling of unsafe in my body. I either give myself a self-hug and say ‘shhhh’ as a way of self-soothing, and relaxing my body, or i look at an item in the room to orient to outside of myself – this is called Proprioception. When i locate something, be it my favourite photo, a bouquet of flowers, a candle, or something that is my favourite colour, it helps me start to relax a bit. Then see if you can take a deeper breath and honour your need to say no or hold a boundary.

Remember, the Shadow side of connection is Fawning. When we are in our Window of Capacity, we can access that need for connection in a healthy way. Fawning is just one other way to get that need met, when there is dysregulation. And yet we are social creatures who thrive in community. This past year has complicated our relationships for sure. Now that we are in a semi-post state of the pandemic, it helps to notice what your body is telling you as you start to make you re-entry into social life.

I’m a book lover and find community in the books i read. This is a good resource for learning oure about healing your Inner Fawn as well as perfecting a boundary practice. Kimberly Ann Johnson’s book Call of the Wild: How we Heal Trauma, Awaken our Own Power and Use it for Good does a wonderful job unpacking this more. She also has a course called Limits and Boundaries if you want to reclaim your rightful boundaries.

Prentis Hemphill has a beautiful quote that is so fitting here: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and myself simultaneously.”

Exactly.