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Embodied Psycho-Spiritual Therapy: Somatic healing and witchcraft

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“Ancient goddess traditions understood what modern somatic therapies now affirm: that pleasure, embodiment, and connecting to the senses are gateways to healing and transcendence.” Dr. Denise Renye

As i deepen into my personal practices of spirituality and somatic healing, I’m noticing more and more how i’m weaving them together. When i once kept the spools of thread very separate, i’m now appreciating how the tapestry is more enriched when all of me is present. In this unfolding i’m dancing with, i’m learning to weave liminal threads and incorporate a more full expression of myself as much as i can. While i will forever remain a feminist therapist, i now also embrace a psycho-spiritual approach to my work as a psychotherapist.

Here’s a little known fact about me – i’m called to the magic of witchcraft. That doesn’t mean you also have to identify as a witch to receive my support. What it does look like is i infuse ritual and holistic practices into my therapy space, as a way to de-colonize my therapy practice and also embrace the ancient wisdom of nature and my own lineage.

Luckily, just as somatic-based therapies have been accepted by the professional mental health world, so too are spiritual practices like meditation, and more transpersonal practices like dream work, depth psychology and rituals. They have always been here, on the margins and hidden in plain sight. Now that more and more folks are rightfully asking for this, we are starting to feel safer in bringing these ancient and healing practices into the therapy room.

There is a rich history from time immemorial of somatic practices as well as witchcraft. I have seen first-hand the healing potential of integrating soul work and body practices. Transformation and (possibly) transmutation can happen only when we truly welcome mind body soul work in what we call psychology or mental health. The term psyche means soul mind after all!

A lot of my sessions begin with a grounding exercise or breath work. I offer this to the people i support as a way to get more fully present in the session, and as a way to become more aware (attuned and interceptive) to their inner experience. This also helps slow down their overwhelm of feelings when they arrive to the session. In my spiritual rituals and sacred gatherings, we also do breathwork and grounding practices when we cast a circle or start a ceremony, for the very same reasons. It helps to shift the energy field, frequency and vibrations and let the everyday hustle and bustle of life stay out of the circle.

Breath work is beneficial as a way to altar consciousness. In Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, this practice is called Dual Awareness. It is used as a tool to release tension and embody relaxation and calm. This allows us to be more present and expand our window of capacity by titrating the feeling that may otherwise get in the way of processing what has happened.

Speaking of breath work, I love Laura Tempest Zakroff’s book The Anatomy of a Witch. She devotes the book to sharing her wisdom of how the body is a part of witchcraft practices. She describes in depth the Witch Body (see the slide on the left) as a way to see how our body is our temple, a tool, and is technical. She also shares how the mind body soul trifecta and the 7 chakras have a similar analogy in The 3 Cauldrons. Based on ancient Celtic roots, this theory sees how the Cauldron of Wisdom is the mind’s capacity to have mental clarity and transform. The Cauldron of Motion is found in the heart and lungs to find balance for our emotions (e-motion!) and create movement – this is where we get to the heart of the matter. Finally, the Cauldron of Warming is in our womb and pelvis, where passion can create new things and birth sovereignty.

I’m sure you have heard of the book The Body Keeps the Score. Van Der Kolk’s work is not new, but a culmination of facts and evidence about how the body has wisdom and can be an alarm bell when something in our present experience is reminding us of a past trauma, harm or danger. When we can see the vagus nerve travelling through our body, connecting body parts together like a serpent, it’s easy to see how magical our body is. The amygdala is a tiny almond shaped alarm bell in the brain that gets activated when reminded of something. We know it does this and so much of the brain is till mysterious. My body has another special alarm. Have you heard of the canary in the coalmine concept? This is when a canary or song bird is placed in a cage deep in the depths of a mine. They sing when they are relaxed and feel safe. When they stop singing, this gives the miners who are working a hint that something dangerous might be imminent. My vagina does this whenever i see someone who gets cut and it’s bloody. My vagina tingles and turns on like an alarm bell out of empathy and wordy. My body is a source of knowing, and for that it is powerful as fuck. Is this just me?

“Ritual is the original therapy. Before diagnoses, before credentials, before “private practice,” there was fire, circle and song.” Holly Truhlar

We can bend time in therapy. While it’s true there may be a focus on our past in the therapy session, it’s not because we think we can go back and change things. We don’t actually want to cause harm and open old wounds. Rather, one of the powerful things we have learned about how the brain can heal trauma is to have reparative or corrective emotional experiences in our present day life. Having a reparative experience in a somatic way is a bit like witchcraft as we are rewiring our neural synapses in our brain to add in a new experience or ending for something that didn’t happen and yet feels like it did. We can’t change what happened to us. We can change our relationship to what happened to us. Neuroception is a form of alchemy and energy field attunement. Our brain can rewire the new neural pathway to create a new ending – what wires together fires together!

Speaking of fire, i love how some therapeutic practices incorporate the elements into the process of healing. One of the reasons i was pulled to Internal Family Systems was the intentional use of air, fire, water and earth as a way to heal and release an old wound or stuck Part. This article offers a beautiful ritual for you to do yourself. Yes, Dick Schwartz was heavily influenced by Carl Jung’s work as well as shamanistic practices. IFS is internal animism or shamanist work, and for good reason – these rituals and ceremonies are the original therapy!

Let’s take a moment and notice how the elements can be a resource: In Air, we can cast a new spell: In my last journal article, i spoke at length about the power of story telling and talk therapy. Speaking our truth out loud is like casting a spell. It lessens the hold it has on our body and can act as an alchemical change. It’s like shedding emotional skin. Air is a form of communication. We gather information by our sense of smell. Our olfactory system is our most ancient sense. With Fire, we can alchemize our anger and keep our inner spark alive. With Earth, we embody our ancestors and also root into this present moment. And with Water, we can find flow and honour our wellspring of feelings. All of these have rituals and practices that can enrich us in our healing.

“Rituals and care practices aren’t just ways to keep our hands busy while we hope time heals all, but they are proactive ways to stabilize and make sense of what just happened.” Carla Fernandez, Renegade Grief: A Guide to the Wild Ride of Life after Loss

In her book, Anatomy of a Witch by Laura Tempest Zakroff shares her term “witchual.” I’m so here for a good pun, and this one really captures the ritual of witch-influenced ritual crafts and pratices. Rituals are a part of a ceremony as a way to deepen into an experience. They enhance our presence and participation in something. This can lead to a sense of agency as a ritual has a purpose and result. This is a big reason why i’m drawn to practical magic like herbal medicine and ritual crafts like how a witch ladder talisman becomes a guide. I also keep a selection of oracle cards at my office, and at times i either begin or end a session with a card pull. A ritual doesn’t have to be lengthy or complicated to be powerful. Having a way to begin and close a session together is a beautiful way to honour the process.

I see a therapy session as a ritual and ceremony. Each session has a clear beginning, middle and end and in the overall work. Sometimes, we start and end with breathwork. Meditation is a big part of how we access our Parts and become more aware of our body’s sensations. Sometimes, someone i support asks to pull an oracle or tarot card or do a specific ritual to honour an ending. Therapy is a way that folks can be witnessed in their growth and transformation. This is also a big goal in ceremonial gatherings – to be witnessed. There is a blend of masculine structure and a trust in the feminine strength of following an organic flow.

Dance and movement are a part of witchcraft practices as well as somatic therapy. I have learned some beautiful ritual dances myself, and have grown up with the magic of dance to help me process my emotions, release my sadness and stress. I find dance, be it ecstatic dance or ballet, 5Rhythms or a group rave to be a conduit for an altered state of consciousness. Dancing helps us access a felt sense of joy and pleasure, and to express ourselves in non-verbal ways. Another benefit of dance as a somatic resource is that it can connect us to our ancestral and cultural roots. As a child, i used to take Serbian traditional dance classes, in a circle with my peers. When i join in circles now, i feel this connection alive in my body, like i’m dancing with the ghosts of my past and former lives. I know some time ago in my lineage, my Babas (grandmothers) worshipped and danced for the Goddess. Again, Zakroff reflects this sentiment well with the following words: “Finding the song of our bones can help us heal past wounds and aid our own work.” Sayings ‘we feel it in our bones’ or ‘it has good bones’ comes from somewhere and is so wise! The human body is truly a vessel for magic. Our breath can inspire something new, our blood is our engine that moves us through life, and our mind can cast spells.

Similar to dance, there is also a connection between the therapeutic resource of psychodrama and witchcraft. For instance, tarot is the card depiction of the fool’s journey. It is a story that steeped in our ancestors’ way of turning to wise guides and elders. Tying in myths, fairy tales and god/goddess stories are a key ingredient in psycho-spiritual therapy. It is the story that matters, not the medium. We are social creatures and can see the relevance of an archetypal story in our own personal plight. This transfers well to how role plays can be a catalyst. When we act out a limiting belief or an alternate ending, our body creates an alchemical metamorphosis.

Witches shapeshift as a way to bend reality and also glean wisdom. It is done intentionally as a way to change an energetic frequency, and can be a way to connect to more-than-human guides. In another way, when feeling threatened or scared, people default to a trusty (albeit faulty) nervous system response of fight/flight/fawn/freeze. It is a type of shapeshifting as way to protect ourself that needs an update so we can instead embody power within. Have you ever felt frozen like a deer in flashlights or like a turtle who falls into your shell? Maybe you want to flee the scene of conflict or scream your truth outloud. That’s a Part who is shapeshifting for you. I think of the powerful book and movie Night Bitch. The main character literally shapeshifted as a way to state shift and create a change in her life. I can’t say more because it will spoil the movie for you!

We can use this chameleon energy intentionally, and with full awareness. For instance, when i want to feel more empowered and strong, i put on the suit of my Inner Warrior. I envision putting on my armour and stand like a Warrior. When i feel the need to buckle down and write this article, i channel my inner Carrie Bradshaw. And, when my kids are being treated unkindly, i know i’m not alone when i want to embody my Inner Mama Bear!

Herbs and holistic care also offer a positive impact on the body. They act as a way to connect to the natural world and remember the ancient wisdom, as well as the truth that we too are a part of the natural world. In this very helpful article, the author shares the following: “In witchcraft, this is often expressed through the use of natural objects such as stones, crystals, and feathers, which are believed to have energetic properties that can be harnessed for healing and transformation.” Similar to pagan and earth-based natural remedies, somatic healing offers such deep guidance and wisdom and guidance. What we now call Ecosomatics is also ancient medicine, practices, and rituals that integrate forest baths, walks, and meditation. While i don’t explicitly use herbs in my therapy practice, i have essential oils on hand as a means to self-soothe. I offer tea and grounding techniques that help folks resource in their own body. As i entrust in people’s autonomy and agency, i also inquire about their own knowledge and practices that may infuse plant medicine, herbs, crystals, and other holistic resources.

Similar to the elements, the use of the senses also offers such support and healing. When we slow down and become attuned to our body’s sensations and become present with the here-and-now, we are also given the gift of being with nature. Humans are nature too and so when we re-inhabit the home that is our body, we are bending time and coming back home to our innate intelligence and knowing. This deepens our self-trust and intuition, and also gives us a felt sense of belonging – to ourselves. When we blend these practices into our life, they can heal more than ourselves. Our ancestral wounds and legacy burdens get tended to, our bodies become more connected to our mind, and our soul’s journey becomes more present so that we can become our truest self.

Storytelling as Medicine

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We are in the season of Spring where i live, which is represented by the element of Air. This is the time of new beginnings, the fresh air of change, the rebirth and the sunrise as a new dawn. Air is connected to the suit of swords in Tarot, which are all about action, ambition, courage and change. Air is also magical for the speaker and listener. We use our words, and repeat them into the air by casting a spell with our words. When we speak out loud what we want, we are in fact speaking our truth more assertively and intentionally.

Storytelling is one of the oldest and most universal forms of community-building. We are not meant to tell stories alone, they are meant to be shared. And, since we are social creatures, we heal in healthy relationships. I view storytelling as a resource for healing, growth and transformation. Integration and acceptance of a new life transition or realization cannot truly happen without being witnessed and companioned through it. Stories are meant to be shared with listeners who hold space for the story and teller, both. This form of holding space ultimately becomes a catalyst to be more fully actualized as ourselves.

Here are some ways that i have found being a story listener to be a central piece in how i work and hold space as a psychotherapist. As a psychotherapist who works from a feminist, narrative framework, story-telling and listening, as well as holding space is a big part of the alchemy that happens in my therapy sessions. Feminist Narrative Therapy is a post-modern modality of therapy that is based in a deeper connection to the subjective meaning that is typically lost in everyday conversations.

Talk therapy gets a bad wrap and yet I’ve noticed that it is through speaking out loud that we get the opportunity of integration that helps our cognitive parts understand the information we receive from our body. We need to talk in order to process the work of everyday life. It is a balance of both/and of talking and doing. We offer this integration after major trips and pilgrimages, or a psychedelic immersion. Birth story processing is a key resource to help folks heal from birth trauma. Sometimes the experience is quiet reflection alone, or in a journal, but it is typically recapping or debriefing the story that unfolded regardless.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ~ Maya Angelou

I used to work as a front-line crisis counsellor for folks who experienced gender-based violence. One of the strongest messages in the gender-based violence sector is that ‘your silence will not protect you.’ These powerful words by Audre Lorde are a direct proclamation of the power of healing that can happen when we share the truth of our lives. We also now know that we do not need to in fact go over our past traumas in chronologically story-book form in order to heal them. This is not how healing works, and yet when a person wants to be witnessed in their resilience and strength, that is also a powerfully catalyst to get to heal. One of the programs that i was most honoured to organize was an annual gathering for the people we supported. We would spend the day together, in workshops and intentionally sharing stories of healing and resilience. One of the stages of Post-Traumatic Growth is to share our story as a way to heal, and to also be an inspiration for others.

Stories help heal shame, as it is in the shared experience and common humanity that we offer a balm to shame, which would otherwise thrive in isolation. I have found this especially empowering for the people i support who may carry limiting beliefs about themselves, their bodies, or how they gave birth, or the break-up or break-down they experienced.

Some stories do not have to be real to be impactful. They jut need to be relatable in some way.

Archetype stories have become a special kind of steward for me, in so many ways – when i became an adult, a mother, and also in the years since becoming motherless. Now, as i surrender to perimenopause i am once again reading the feminine-based archetypal stories that feature wise women, medicine women, wild women, hags and crones. Myths and fairy/folk tales offer a universal truth for all of us, as well as a map that is possible for us. Any one of us can read the story and glean something that is familiar in it that reflects our own lived reality. This is comforting and affirming.

Marion Woodman was a great advocate for archetypal stories. In her book The Maiden King she shares this: “Our bodies love metaphors because they join our bodies to our soul rather than abandoning them to a soulless state. The ancient alchemists called this body soul state “the subtle body”. They believed that the deeper we go into the subtle body, the greater the soul treasures it contains.” I would take this point a step further and connect it to how stories in general are a way to deepen our relationship with our soul. If you have ever been in my therapy room with me, you will know that i love to share a good story as a metaphor as a way to explain a theory or experience.

Just as we are not meant to be alone with a story to tell, so too are we not meant to be alone in our grief. Transformation can happen for grievers when they are able to share these stories with someone who holds space for them, and both welcomes and encourages the stories to flow. This is done through the power of storytelling.

When my mom died, something that i found so kind and generous was when people in my life asked me to talk about her, to share her stories, to honour her legacy. In my own therapy practice, i offer grief work and tending to the broken hearts of someone who has experienced loss. I see how transformative this dedicated time is in the healing journey. It is through the process of being seen and heard that anyone who is grieving a loss can feel more held and less alone. Incorporating narrative in this stage is a helpful way to establish a more full sense of self.

Taking this a step further, when people are given an audience that is both compassionate and attuned, links can be made to the story and to their own life. For instance, I have found solace in cleaning out my mother’s things. Being able to share the experience of cleaning out my mother’s belongings is a universally understood rite of passage. We are not meant to do it alone, even if the act itself is a solitary process. Friends who asked me more than the standard “how are you?” received a more full and true account of my learnings and discoveries.

“Stories can be helpful tools for surviving hardship and navigating complexity. That is, when we craft them as sturdy boats, built to our dimensions and desires. But many stories are bigger than our single lives and desires. Many stories are invisible: so big, so culturally ingrained, that we are blind to the ways in which they drive and constrain our lives.” The Body is a Doorway, Sophie Strand

Not only was my grief more held, it was in the telling of the stories that i was able to come alive amidst my mourning. I was also able to truly express what i was going through, in detail. This invitation offered depth and spaciousness for me to debrief, unpack, and process what i was encountering in my grief.

No one is fully prepared for the time that their mother dies, no matter how expected it is, nor if the griever is a therapist herself, well-versed in holding space in grief counselling. I had to find the right balance between my personal grief process and my role as a psychotherapist who is well-versed in the healing balm of storytelling.

Where does the listener turn when she needs to be held and companioned through her own loss?

As we see in Rites of Passage theory, it is necessary to be witnessed in the transition from one version of us to a new sense of self. This is in fact, a way that we can move through the process of a rite of passage such as mother loss. Being witnessed in this transition is what can deepen the healing process, and in fact get to a more transformed and integrated sense of self.

In these dark and painful times, i’m turning to fantasy novels as support, solace, and sisterhood. For instance, in Starhawk’s novel Walking to Mercury, she shares that the healing that happens from ritual isn’t necessarily the trance work, drumming, dancing or singing that helps. “What healed was simply the opening to speak their pain and have it heard.”

I am working on ways to decolonize my therapy practice and life in general. In Dr. Jen Mullan’s book, Decolonizing Therapy, she shares powerful insights and guidance on how to shift from a western capitalist model to one that is more holistic and person-centred. As i deepen into my own process, i am reclaiming trust in my ability to bring in more a psychospiritual lens. While therapy is not inherently a ritual, we can infuse ritual into our work together. ((Stay tuned to my next journal article where i share some of the ways i do just that.)) ETA: Immediately after i posted this, i saw someone i deeply admire also share that “ritual is the original therapy.” One of the most beautiful experiences to witness is the shift folks experience when they sit in session and have someone who holds unconditional regard, a compassionate and non-judgemental stance, and also undivided attention for their story. This is what we call relational alchemy. The ultimate gift is witnessing someone transform and i am given the opportunity to experience vicarious resilience.

I see my therapy practice more and more like a ceremony. It is not mere work, transactional at best or hurtful at worst. Having a “career” is capitalist after all (thank-you Dra. Rocio for this reframe). Sitting together and sharing breath in the same room is a ceremony webbing the invisible golden thread of co-regulation, attunement and medicine between us, through us, and around us. Therapy is a prayer. It doesn’t have to be with another person; it is a catalysing moment that deepens our healing and transforms it. It just needs words spoken in some way to create that shift.

“The truth is, in order to heal we need to tell our stories and have them witnessed…the story itself becomes a vessel that holds us up, that sustains, that allows us to order our jumbled experiences into meaning. As i told my stories of fear, awakening, struggle, and transformation and had them received, heard, and validated by other women, I found healing. I also needed to hear other women’s stories in order to see and embrace my own. Sometimes another woman’s story becomes a mirror that shows me a self that i haven’t seen before. When I listen to her tell it, her experience quickens and clarifies my own. Her questions rouse mine. Her conflicts illuminate my conflicts. Her resolutions call forth my hope. Her strengths summon my strengths. All of this can happen even when our stories and our lives are very different.” ~ Sue Monk Kidd, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter

Healing requires recovery, and it is a life-long journey to heal. Not because we are incapable of doing it better. Rather, new experiences can activate what felt healed in the past and is now being brought back up to the surface, but in a new way. For instance, maybe as a child you were not listened to. Maybe you were never asked to share your dreams or hopes, or what imaginative stories were. Growing up, we then internalise the story literally – that what we have to share is not worthy to be heard by others. The story isn’t the only thing that can be silenced – our dreams and self-worth also are threatened to die inside us.

Therapy can be an alchemizing experience where clients are reborn, birthing their healed self from the embers of a former life. Therapists are the doulas who support their clients in this transition of becoming. When we share how we are feeling or what we need, we are being authentic to ourselves. This level of witnessing or experience and listening with attention also lets us know that we exist and we matter. When we stop speaking up for our feelings and needs, we suffer a level of self-abandonment, and also possibly a true death.

I know this might seem dramatic. And yet I sit with this truth that my mom died because of complications of undiagnosed ovarian cancer. The story she was sharing for so long was that her stomach hurt. I know that this was a complaint, and I also know that no one really took it seriously, including myself. If only someone had listened sooner, I know things would’ve been different.

“During both painful and joyful moments, we can often recall the things that kept us going — the people who mirrored our own goodness to us — the words shared that reminded us of what could be, what could become, what was possible.” Lisa Olivera, in a newsletter

As a feminist therapist, one of our principles is to self-disclose from our lived experience. We don’t share where the wounds are still raw, but where the scars have healed over. Sharing stories can also be so affirming, empowering and inspiring for the folks that I give this medicine to. This shared humanity experience can further fuel their own motivation. Knowledge is Power and sharing resources is also a Feminist principle.

Another aspect of the therapeutic container is that the therapist becomes an active listener to someone’s story, with undivided attention and a very present attention. This then becomes a Reparative Experience – we are given the healing balm of being heard and listened to, and not carrying the fear of being too much, as we possibly once believed. So many of us, especially women, mothers, and life-long care providers are starving for the attention to be seen and heard as well. This may be a band-aid to a larger problem, the mental health and therapy industrial complex exists as an imperfect solution to a lack of strong community and connection. And yet, as we can practice repair work, earning secure attachment, and healing relational wounds in the therapy space, for now this is a solution that works.

The therapeutic relationship offers more than psychoeducation and passive listening. It also is a space for tender acts of affection, and vulnerability by wearing our hearts on our lab coat sleeves now and then. A compassionate witness and true space holder listens with reverence. Having a place to reflect and unpack can be alchemical.

At least for me, it is more than just a couch and a quiet nod. I get right into your story, and get comfy in my chair or on the floor right beside you.

BeComing Home to My Self

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“I have already lost touch with a couple of people i used to be.” ~ Joan Didion

October always feels like a month of change. It’s hard not to take note of the metaphor of things coming to an end with all the leaves falling to their natural completion. Humans are more like nature than we ever want to admit.

I’m no different and now I’m ready to not only accept this inevitable passing of time, but now I mean to surrender it. As SURRENDER is my word of the year, i have been on a journey with it this year. Now it’s become an invited guest on my adventure called life. I’m not going to lie though, it’s still a lesson i am learning: A part of me is being pulled through a new threshold, and at the same time another part wants to remain the same.

Initiation is the paradox that reflects a new version of me.

I spoke about my entry into High School Mom terrain last month. Besides this key rite of passage for my kiddo (and therefore me on the periphery), I am on the cusp of another massive personal developmental change. I don’t just mean menopause, but something else that accompanies it – the end of a stretch of 7 years of growth. In both Traditional Chinese Medicine and Rudolf Steiner’s 7-Year Cycle Model, the pattern is based on a process that changes every 7 years. The phase i am in now is the time of Soul Searching that ends at 49. This is the time for Wonder for the Spirit Self. As i’m near the end of it, i’m glad that i know this – the end of this stage is coming and i don’t have to be surprised or grieve it too late.

Speaking of Perimenopause, i would be remiss not to also acknowledge it here. Especially as October is World Menopause Month. I now have so much more understanding of my mom’s life, and also grief and regret that i did not ask her more about this change when she was alive. I rarely looked at her for guidance in general, and i deeply regret that.

So I turned to the second best resource, one that I share with my mom – books.

In the book, 7 Transforming Gifts of Menopause, the author describes how having clarity and courage, expanded time and spiritual freedom, as well as access to our authentic self can be the alchemizing ingredients that we need to step into this major and unspoken rite of passage.

And maybe, just maybe, it’s worth unpacking an old theory about this liminal space with a more feminist and critical lens – as Rites of Passage was first deemed a concept by a well-established and white anthropologist, it is safe to assume he did not have everyday regular folk in mind, let alone women going through their womanly changes.

“Change and transition are not meant to be easy. With every shift you make in your life, whether it’s a relationship ending, a job change or city change, a friendship ending, new identities emerging, or loss, you will inevitably experience both grief and expansion. That’s the thing about transitions. You will lose something, but if your eyes and heart are open, you will grow. Even through the hard stuff. You will grieve and you will grow. Make sure you hold space for both.” ~ Vienna Pharaon

I feel firmly rooted in this stage of my life. I am starting to reflect on how it got here. To be honest, some of it was a surprise, and some of it was under the cover of being in lockdown. Some of this journey has been a way of grieving the loss of my mom, and accepting this new place i live in. I am embracing this balance of tending to my own life in front of me while also holding space for my ancestors and their unfinished lives.

And so yes, some of it was very intentional.

This is me starting to step out of Mother and into my Virgin Era. I know that may not make sense because the word carries a very different meaning. Think more like a good virgin olive oil, or virgin wool – pure onto itself. In Marion Woodman’s work, a virgin is a woman who is whole unto herself. She is awakened to live her life more fully and intentionally for herself. I think it’s also about finding balance. This archetype occurs in a woman’s life after she becomes a mother, and before she enters elderhood. Most don’t get to live in this place.

A big part of this is because patriarchy has taught us that our worth as women is tethered to our ability to mother. When we are older and deemed too old to bear children, our short-lived and near-sighted worth becomes obsolete – in the eyes of a male-centred world that is.

“I think midlife is when the Universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear: I’m not screwing around. It’s time.” ~ Brené Brown

Archetypes Can Guide Us
Recognizing that i was in this transitionary stage of no longer a young mother anymore, and not quite ready to be a Crone, i knew i had to turn to who has been here before me. So this year, a goal of mine was to be a student of archetypes. Who better than these wise elders to give me guidance? More specifically, feminine archetypes, the divine or sacred feminine, as well as goddesses that i was never curious about before. This commitment lead me to Maureen Murdock’s reframe of the Hero’s Journey – which she calls the heroine’s journey for the path of the fool. I love how she unpacks the various stages and turns. This website offers a great guide if you are also curious and want to dive deeper into this work.

Most of us have heard of the triple goddess archetypes – the Maiden, Mother and Crone. But did you know there are more feminine archetypes? Like Sage, Mystic, Warrior, Lover, or Huntress?

In reading the wonderful new book Sage, Huntress, Lover, Queen by Mara Branscombe, i’m noticing that both the Sage and Lover are aligned with my journey to Virgin. They are midlife archetypes for women. They are all whole unto themselves. They intentionally bring together their outside relationships and career to come into unity with their inner self and life’s calling. Their service to the world no longer outweighs their own inner journey. This is the practice is leaning towards wholeness, and not assuming one archetypes is the answer-for-all.

Jane Hardwicke Collings is a wise elder who speaks directly about this change. She has coined the term Sagescence to mirror the rite of passage that is similar to adolescence and matrescence. She shared that “sagescence brings with it many gifts. We become more self-focused and motivated to take care of ourselves. We are gifted with the opportunity to heal all the unhealed parts of ourselves. We fully align with the lunar cycle as this replaces our menstrual cycle. Our visionary capacity and intuition grow and grow. Our leadership skills arise or get stronger. And our orgasms get stronger and longer!”

Not only do we remain sexual and pleasure-seeking, i love this reframe that our pleasure is intensified in elder years, not diminished as is usually the story.

When we know that our personal story is reflected in an overarching archetypal one, a sense of relief and being seen is felt. Sometimes, it’s a felt sense of understanding and validation that we get. I know for me, i feel less alone – this is my story and many before me. Now my inner voice that has been calling for me can sigh out a bit as she knows i hear her calling. What’s different now is that I’m less afraid to ignore her.

Photo Credit: Paula Dicu


How does this stage of life look? I’m glad you asked because it’s wonderful! For one, we get to go out again and do things just for the sake of fun, however that looks like as the 47-year old i am. It’s now that i’m starting to really enjoy date nights with my partner, instead of the transactional dates that helped us survive as a couple in early parenthood. I am taking dance classes and attending women’s circles again. I have even gone to some weekend retreats. Some of you may have been doing this all along, and that’s amazing. The difference in this stage is that it’s not to balance or get a break from my mother role and work. Rather it’s because the call to work as a mother is less hands-on, and it’s been integrated into my life as a whole (see that word creeping in here?)

I have been a Thousand Different Women by Emory Hall
make peace with all the women you once were
lay flower sat their feet
offer them incense and honey and forgiveness
honor them and give them your silence
listen.
bless them and let them be.
for they are the bones of the temple you sit in now.
for they are the rivers of wisdom leading you toward the sea.

As I am crossing through this portal into this next stage of life, my life, I am feeling more certain about it. And I’ve been tracking the guide posts that have been lighting the way for me. I’ve reflected on this and have noticed a few key elements that have been anchors for me during this time. A few years ago, my word of the year was rise and since then I’ve been really holding it close to help me steer my path. I find it holds a nice complement to other words I’ve had recently like breathe and Grace. As of course, I love a good acronym that helps us find our way even more clearly and succinctly so maybe this resource will come in handy for you as well.

How to RISE Up into the Latest Evolution of Your Self
1) Reflect on your Path to Now
It’s important to always start with looking back on what was, what brought you to this point and if you continues to serve and resonate with you. We need to grief what has ended, even if it is at its completion. For instance, my work has evolved to reflect where i am now. I started my career as a crisis counsellor. My work pivoted when I became a mother, both to change my hours to ensure I had more balance, and then eventually even more when I would work more specifically with mothers in my private practice.

October is when i celebrate the decision to leap into my private practice full-time. It was 3 years ago this month that i made the leap. I have always wanted to have my own private practice as a therapist. And i have never looked back on my decision with regret or second guessing. This has been a wonderful testament on how i have leveled up, or evolved in my work and life in general.

2) Integrate the New Pieces
Previous parts don’t necessary have to go by the wayside. In fact, they can be honoured and acknowledged for all the work they did to get you to right here right now. Even if they are flawed and stuck – they served a purpose. In order to truly transform into this new stage, though, we need to cross the portal with both fit in. So, spend some time pondering just what versions of you do you still need and want by your side? What new roles, identities, or strengths will best serve you? For instance, i loved learning that my Sexual Self is not lost to me. She has been waiting by the sidelines too long and i can whisper to you now that by no way is it 100% true our libido is diminished when we age. We evolve in this way too, i think, actually. You did see the reference to orgasm being especially yummy later in life right? Enough said…

Of course, my Wild Lover is not my only new Part – i also am excited to have my Mystic, Sage, and Creatrix there as main characters of my life’s soap opera.

A simple way to incorporate this new version of is is to start bringing your new goals or intentions into your everyday life, even in small incremental steps. This can be in a sacred morning ritual to help this transition. It can be an update to your skincare routine, a new lotion, or a way to adorn yourself daily. Oh, i can’t speak more highly about the magic of adornment! It is truly an act of divination.

3) Support
We are social creatures, and our bodies are designed for connection – literally. We have a social engagement system built into our nervous system. If you are skeptical of this, just think of mirror neorons and oxytocin. We thrive in community with others who are here as well. The word ‘coven’ carries a witchy connotation these days. It’s hard not to think of women in black dresses dancing around a fire. But originally, the term meant a group of like-minded folks gathering together. We need others to reflect back what we are thinking. We need others to also show that we are not alone on this journey.

It’s hard to keep in touch with friends in this stage of life, because life keeps calling us away. So we need to be intentional about this commitment to our close ones. Find the people in your life that mirror back what you are passionate about. You may not be as alone as you think you are. Jen Berlingo refers to herself as a life traveller and her book Midlife Emergence is on my wish list. She speaks about this need to create a village, and one suggestion is to be persistent and keep inviting your people to gather. This is wisdom i have been implementing this year.

4) Embrace and Embody this New Self
I find this step is a key element of deepening into this new skin. Otherwise, things remain intellect-having and more transactional. We need to embody the change. One way i am doing this is by redefining my style and dressing my age. For a while, i resisted it – i was fighting the drive to dress a certain way. Now. i have come into my own with how i dress. All my younger parts are so happy to have me feel confident and in my element. This is my flowy dress era. It has always been important for me that my style matches the inner me. More importantly, not only do i dress my age, i now see the rite of passage of becoming this style also mature: How my pre-teen daughter dresses is how i USED to dress. I have evolved.

Another way to alchemize this passage is by being witnessed as you cross the threshold: Be honoured in ceremony. Host a gathering, a circle, or a party if you feel called to do so. I am doing just that and i can’t wait! More on that next month, i promise!

If you need any further guidance or practice to help you find your way home back to yourself, meditate and cast a vision of the future you are dreaming about. Visit with the archetypes that inspire and resonate with you. Or check out this article, it may be helpful.

And remember, we are all works in progress, changing even without our full attention. If we do it with more intention, our dream life can be within reach. I have transformed: And yes, it may still include butterfly wings – i just wear them on the inside now.

7 Days of Embodied Sensual Pleasure: Implementing a Pleasure Practice

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I recently completed a course that I have been wanting to take for years. After being a student at University of Guelph for my undergrad, it had always been a dream of mine to take their intensive sex therapy course. I can now share the exciting news that I’ve completed it! While I’ve already been offering couple and relationship counselling as well as sexual health and sexual violence healing, this new training has offered a further breadth of support I can offer.

One of the final assignments of the course was to put together a pleasure practice guide. As this is something I’ve been working on in my own life and supporting others with, I’m sharing with you now some of the ways that you can start or enhance your pleasure practice.

It might be hard to access what you find pleasurable sexually, if you don’t already have a sense of it in your daily life outside of the bedroom. This guide is a great place to start. Each day, commit to some time to try out how you might add an intentional way to reflect on how to bring pleasure into your life.

In the amazing book, Pleasure Activism, adrienne marie brown shares that you find your pleasure path when you have embodied joy, happiness, satisfaction and connection. This is the embodiment of a pleasure practice.

As a somatic therapist, I created this guide to start from the bottom-up, instead of staying in our brain and thoughts. Using the 5 senses, pick one a day to see what brings you pleasure. This practice is about attuning to what gives you that felt sense of pleasure. If some of the senses are not available or accessible for you, focus on the ones that are. Notice if you can also connect any of these sensory anchors to what your core fantasy might also include.

Over the course of a week, spend some time daily just thinking about each of these and see how you can incorporate time to play with them. Each day, over the course of the day, focus on one sense. On the final day, combine the practices and set the scene. You don’t have to do them in order as presented, but try to do all 7 days. Repeat a theme if you have an abundance of ideas, need a do-over, or one sense is not available to you.

Please CLICK THIS LINK here to take you to the FREE Creating a Pleasure Practice Worksheet.

End the week by bringing in all five senses and save this last one to set your scene up for success. Set the room with the items that evoke pleasure, and see what happens when you bring it all together. Maybe you want to get candles, a cozy blanket, chocolate and wine. Put on some playful music, and wear a sexy camisole. Or how about setting up your backyard with a private oasis. Surround yourself in nature. Rest your feet or sit right on the earth. Take your undies off and sit right on the grass (thanks to amb for this gift!) Remember the goal is not necessarily sex but rather an embodied sense of harnessing your own pleasure.

Journal your reflections – what did you notice? What surprised you, would you do again, differently? What felt like it was missing something?

In last month’s article, i shared the idea of a Core Erotic Theme. If you haven’t spent time with it already, this is a perfect opportunity to create one. Think of what your Core Erotic Fantasy is now that you have spent some time discovering your pleasure path.

If you want to learn more, here are some great resources that speak further about this. I especially love adrienne maree brown’s book Pleasure Activist and that reminder that we all have a right to embody pleasure. Esther Perel’s body of work on pleasure is also a must. She recently did a workshop on enhancing foreplay pleasures. With topics on ritual, desire, exploring the senses, imagination and setting the right ambiance, this is a great resource. Blaire Lindsay’s free webinar series on finding your Pleasure Path also has some great activities. Rachael Maddox created this lovely gift as well.

While i said that this practice is for yourself, and i truly mean it as a stand-alone gift to yourself, it is also a great way to create more attuned intimacy with your lover. When new parents struggle with desire discrepancy, a new take on creating pleasure is a great way to get back on track. When new couples are trying to get connected in bed, this resource can be a great starting point. Or, for survivors of sexual violence, abuse or boundary violations, working on a pleasure practice can be a beneficial step to become clearer with how to meet your sexual desires with others. Vanessa Marin has great visual aid to help folx have a better sense of their sexual compatibility. Looking at this graphic, can you discern what might be lacking in your own relationships, what you can work on, or what is on fire?

Remember, the goal for finding your pleasure path is not to be sexually intimate with others, and yet it is so helpful to notice what feels compatible with others’ paths.

Now that you are starting your path to pleasure, you can get a sense of your compass or guide. Think of it as your ‘love pulse’ – it is your divine witness. Every once in a while, spend some time checking in with your love pulse – if it feels low, it may be time for a pleasure practice!

On the Day of Your Funeral

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Please note this is a raw and heart felt poem I wrote as I held space for my client. It was also a way to process the grief I felt. I share it now as a reminder of the many layers of trauma.

I learned recently that a client of mine died unexpectedly. Her death was more peaceful and gentle than her life. Her final hours were not so peaceful. At the end, she died doing something she was familiar with, that had been a coping tool for too many years. She died because she was trying to quiet the sadness and demons that were living in her.

On this day of your funeral, i am crying quietly to myself. I’m so sad that i never got one more visit with your vibrant and curious mind. I loved our loud sessions, and your hope for better.

She died because she had internalized the abuse and shame that had been poking at her for too long.

On this day of your funeral, I’m so angry at the economic context that criminalizes drug use at the same time as not having more support for trauma survivors.

She died because she was sexually abused as a child and her childhood was taken from her.

On this day of your funeral, i am present thinking of all the sexual abuse survivors i have known, worked with, supported, and been a part of their healing journey.

She died because people feel uncomfortable with mental health and ‘those people.’

On this day of your funeral, i am holding space for you and all that you had to endure. To say that you lived a life of trauma and suffering is an understatement. You deserved a better life.

She died because she had fallen through the cracks like so many women, who live in poverty, with mental health diagnoses and addiction.

On this day of your funeral, i am so proud of your resilience – you had overcome so much and were working on a better life for yourself. I know that your final days were not the main part of you, but rather parts of you that were too wounded still.

She died because her body was carrying around so much baggage and pain from being sexually assaulted and physically abused for all those years.

On this day of your funeral, i am honoured that you shared your life with me and trusted me with parts of you that were so vulnerable, ugly, unspoken, and raw.

She died because the world doesn’t give a fuck about how trauma impacts us, but instead values success and independence and white picket fences.

On this day of your funeral, i’m so sad that you were alone when you died. That you felt alone and hopeless. There are so many people who loved you for who you are

She died in pain – her heart was broken and her body was exhausted.

On this day of your funeral, I am curious what you’re wearing as I know your style was a big part of your reclaiming of your body.

She died dying to reclaim her body and find pleasure again – her sexualized sense of self was still a work in progress.

On this day of your funeral, i’m sorry that i wasn’t there more to bear witness to the parts of you that struggled to come out.

She died because she wasn’t seen and we let her down.

On this day of your funeral, may your next adventure be the one of your dreams.