Tag Archives: feminine

My Midlife Midwife Era: Weaving the Spiral Path

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If you look at most therapist bios, be it on their Psychology Today profile or on an Instagram landing page, you’ll notice that we specialize in “life transitions.” What does that actually mean though? I know for me, it means helping people be able to feel grounded to some degree when inevitable change happens. It means holding space and being witnessed in this sea change.

Since we are humans, we are constantly evolving, and change will happen, whether we like it or not. We’re not meant to stay the same or have our course be rigid. We’re actually meant to course correct when we are thrown curveballs, whether it is a global pandemic, a break-up, or a loss or maybe also meeting the love of your life or finding your dream job. All of it still takes time to embrace the transition.

We need to take pause and notice that life transitions are only one step in rites of passage. Our way of identifying life transitions needs to be updated and decolonized, and actually know it as a more soul-led practice that involves ceremony and acknowledgement.

So one thing I love is zooming out of our personal experience and noticing the universality of it. And guess what, there are archetypal stories that also reflect our own human experience. It’s a beautiful balance of our humanity and the divinity within all of us. This is where I have deepening in my own life as well as practice as a therapist, holding space for folks and their transitions, while also being able to let them know that while their stories unique, their experience is also universal.

We’re not as special as we think and yet maybe that’s a good thing.

For instance, a lot of us may know the concept of the hero’s journey by Joseph Campbell. In fact, I know I’ve spoken about it previously in other articles here. One thing that I’ve been sitting with though is how linear and masculine-based it is, and so i wanted to find something that felt more aligned with my own story and journey to full consciousness. I’m really relieved that there has been a resurgence of more feminine embodied archetypal stories, ones that have been pushed under the surfaces decades ago.
Take Maureen Murdoch’s book, The Heroine’s Journey: Woman’s Quest for Wholeness for example. This book has been pivotal in my own life’s transitions. If you want to learn more about the concept of a heroine’s journey, this article is very helpful.

The feminine path shows us a different way. One where we step out of current machine and decide to do things on a more full and authentic, more soul level. This isn’t about doing it without honouring our masculine side, but rather integrating both sides of this coin.

As i approach 50, i’m noticing how my own story thus far fits really well into the spiral path. When I was a teenager, I learned some things about my parents lifestyle that didn’t resonate with me. I also knew that I didn’t want how they modelled partnership to be what I carried further in my own story. And then in my mid-20s, I really rejected my feminine side. I cut my hair short, I wore doc martens and hung out with boys more than women. Only then to notice in my 30s that not only did I deeply cherish my relationships with women, my body also just felt more safe and comfortable in their presence – most jobs in my life have been in the community of women-identified folks.

So of course, this is how my path was already carved out for me. It all makes sense now, and i love that it’s a spiral path and not a linear narrative storyline. There is ebb and flow, back and forth, learning and unlearning, and coming back again. The oracle cards i bought at 22 are now a big part of my life. I dusted them off a few years ago, after being shelved away for years. I’m back again where I was before and yet I’m all together new. Now I am more embodied in this knowing and deep understanding. I’m looking back with perspective and wisdom. The 20-year old me who rejected being a woman, or being in service with my feminine power is in awe with where I am now.

As I close in on my halfway point in life, I’m reflecting back in my own timeline. I’m not surprised how well it fits in the path, nor how these archetypal stories of Maiden Mother Crown (and all the other ones) fit into my own journey through life.

I’ve been reflecting on how i got here, so that i can also support others weave their internal threads more intentionally. I have been midwifing my own midlife with such love and care, and feel called to offer this to others. I find this especially true for women who have had difficult relationships with their mothers, maternal lineage, or relationships with women where a lack of eldership and matriarchal wisdom is lacking. I have been going through my own rite of passage with fine grain detail and have noticed some things that i did intuitively really fit with The Spiral Path. It is about embracing a plan of action, that is saturated with an embodied sense of self-control and empowerment.

How to Weave your Path

1) Keep your Word to Yourself
Are you the first person you break a promise to? How often do you put your own needs (and dreams) at the bottom of your priority list. This martyrdom does not serve anyone. The laundry can wait, the dishes can be done by someone else, and everyone wins when you honour your soul’s calling. It can be by reading a book that moves you, attending a circle, dancing under the full moon. Whatever it is, make a commitment to yourself to honour your own promise to yourself. No one else will.

2) Take up Space
I recently went skating with my kid and her school. I was amazed by how these children took up space – on the ice, and also everywhere. I learned along the way to apologize for the space i took up, and then resented that i felt invisible. Now, i make a point to share about my own day at dinner, I set a goal for something I want to do on the weekend, I claim my rightful seat on the couch during family movie night, I screamed with joy during the recent Eclipse, and yelled “this is orgasmic” without a care in the world for who heard me.

3) Find the Balance within Masculine Go and Feminine Flow
This one was a hard one for me. After first abandoning my soft feminine side in my early 20s, i then learned how i internalized patriarchy and capitalism in my body. I saw ways that i was neglecting my own soft strengths and having a balance of both qualities and energies is what makes us whole. I can be a good business owner AND also work in the space of feelings and community. In fact, i need both in order to stay resourced and sustainable in my work.

How this looks for each of us is unique, and doesn’t have to be 50/50 to be balanced. It’s about embracing the universal truth that these qualities are not necessarily gendered but rather energetic.

4) Learn about Archetype Stories
Having a map that shows us the way is not only helpful, it is a practice of self-compassion. Learning about fairy tales and goddess stories has been a big part of my journey with my own life transitions. The book Women Who Run with the Wolves is my bible, for instance. I see myself in the stories. I also see more fully the stories of my ancestors and lineage. This is both humbling and reparative.

Archetypal stories allow space for nuance as well as the duality of honouring the humanity and divinity in all of us.

5) Honour Life with Ritual and Ceremony
Rituals are the ways we tend to ourselves and remind us that the only life we are living is our own. They enhance our experience, and carve out a path with intention and self-love. Ceremony is the way we can be witnessed for who we are by others, as we cannot go through rites of passage and life transitions alone. If you need some more guidance, check out my Instagram post here for some inspiration.

6) Pleasure Sorcery
I am so thankful to adrienne maree brown for the term ‘pleasure activist.‘ The opposite of pleasure is feeling numb, partly due to grief that has not been cared for. I wholeheartedly believe that the absense of pleasure is what is causing so many people midlife crisis, existential crisis and burn-out. Access to pleasure and joy were taken from us, or at least shunned into our collective shadow. In a Come to your Senses podcast episode, Mary shares more about how to have courage to be more your Self.

I am a Pleasure Witch, alchemizing the change that happens when we eat the best fucking chocolate mousse in your life, slowing down your partner in a sexual romp to access your own climax, marinating in new lilacs blossoms so that you can savour their smell. To source yourself in pleasure means giving yourself permission to slow down, take pause, awaken your senses.

Still unsure about this? You are not alone – the word pleasure still harbours some negative connotations. How about a practice of gentle pleasure? Try the 5% concept – what is something you can do to make it just a bit more enjoyable – is it playing music while you clean the bathroom, or fresh flowers by your bedside, or maybe it’s a delicious piece of pie to have with your taxes.

7) Trust you are Inherently Worthy
And here’s another tricky one – we need to reclaim that we are inherently worthy simply because we are alive. Our worth should not be tethered to our achievements, busy-ness, productivity. That is a patriarchal, white supremist and capitalist mindset. That keeps us stuck in hustle culture and a stressful experience. When we reclaim our worth, that is our success that will lead to a sense of abundance from a heart-centred and balanced life. Our worth is the value you bring to your own life, and will ripple out to how you impact other beings.

It is a process to reclaim this truth. When i started to learn that i had not just permission but the right to enjoy my own life, and not live vicariously through my children, i started to make sure i added my own projects, plans, and pleasure into our calendar. Nora Roberts shared a fabulous analogy – as a prolific writer, she was asked how she can prioritize and plan out time for writing: it’s all about making sure you catch the right balls.

8) Find Your Purpose
I knew since i was a kid that i was going to be a therapist of some kind. For years, i wanted to be a marine biologist but science and math are not my forte or passion. Being in water and living like a mermaid was not enough reason. When i started my journey as a therapy student, i thought i would be a child psychologist. The fact, it just dawned on me as i’m writing this that i did an undergrad program in HUMAN Development. Of course i was destined to support folks with life transitions.

Now that i’ve been a working therapist for over 18 years, and the years before that in abused women and children’s programs, it all makes sense how my work life is in service for others healing and growth. It is my life’s calling, and is the passion that gives my life a direction.

I am also more than my work, and my roles in life. I am a being who is whole unto herself – i am home.

To Come Home to Yourself
May all that is unforgiven in you
Be released.

May your fears yield
Their deepest tranquillities.

May all that is unlived in you
Blossom into a future
Graced with love.”
~ John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Invocations and Blessings

The Serpent and the Butterfly: Shedding the Skin that No Longer Serves

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When i was contemplating my decision to have children many moons ago, i had to ask myself some hard questions. What kind of mother did i want to be? Did i want to be a mother? Who would be part of my village as a support to me? What work did i have to do first in order to show up as a mother? Did i feel aligned with the label of Mother, and how would parenting change me?

In order to help me grapple with these questions, i looked at my models of motherhood. I reflected on these relationships to help me get a sense of this role. My own mother was very invested in her identity as a mother. She made sacrifices as a woman, a newcomer to Canada, in order to be as present and active as a mom. She took my sister and i to every dance, music and swim class. She sat in the lobbies and waited for us. She showed up and was always around. Of course, she had a life outside of us but i didn’t really see it, nor ask her. It was assumed that she was solely, or at least mainly, mom.

I looked at other mothers – my friends’ moms, my dance teacher, TV characters – all mainly showed that mothers martyred themselves for their children even when they balanced this role with other parts of their life.

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” ~ragneesh

In the end, i knew that i wanted to include children in my own life, and yet i also knew that remaining a therapist was important to me too. I further knew that keeping parts of me active was imperative in my transition into motherhood, and coming out of the other side of it. While i appreciated the sacrifices mothers made at the time, i knew we deserved better ourselves.

And yet all the good books on becoming mothers and having children were more about how to feed and clothe babies, instead of helping us with this major rite of passage we experience. Patriarchy still enforces, and not so subtly at times, that women’s role is to raise children: That it’s an inherent knowing versus a learning-as-we go imperfect model. We are told to bounce back to who we were before, or at least our bodies are supposed to.
We are not meant to bounce back. We are not the same as before. We are not yo-yos or slinky toys. We may be better or not but we are clearly changed. We all die these little deaths in our lifetime, because we are supposed to.

When it came to this massive shedding of skin and reckoning, mothers are still coming out of the goo of chrysalids on their own. While we are creating a new skin, the idea of being more than a mom is still kept in the shadows.

Now, 12 years into parenthood, i have a better sense of the mother i want to be. I also know that we cannot make this transformation alone. Luckily, there are more books, resources, and communities that speak about this openly and directly.

The death of former me is now my chance to rebirth a new version of myself. This is the snakeskin transition. And yet, we are not given time or permission to grieve the old version of us. We are supposed to jump all in and celebrate motherhood wholeheartedly. We arn’t supposed to regret it, and if you do…good luck.

We need to grieve for the person who we were or hoped to become, and also take from her what we want to continue holding. This is alchemy in human-form. Alchemists work to completely change (or devour) what was in order to become something new and stronger. It is meant to be a cyclical process.

I participated in a powerful workshop over the summer, where Kimberly Ann Johnson had Deborah Quibell as a guest. She is a Depth Psychologist who focuses on Matrilineal Reconstruction through the lens of Jungian Archetype work. I know that’s a mouthful and yet it really shows a light on this identity shift.

The pervasive and traditional paradigm of what makes a mother is based on these roles: nurturer, protector, empowerer and initiator. Phillip Moffitt speaks further about these functions in this amazing article by Bethany Webster. And yet, i also think that the Mother Archetype is deeper than that – she is the creator of life, of manifesting into being what was not there. This could be a child, but also creating art, a new job, or a garden. So much emphasis is put on the work of nurturer, protector, and empowerer that it seems to be disregarded that we also initiate, or create.

What we also create is a new version of ourself – our former version is now dead and we have been reborn as in this new archetype, identity, or role. So it’s important to ask yourself “where am I now? What is my transition now? WHO am i now?”

Jung spoke a lot about archetypes and the different processes of transformation. The process helps us contain and right us in our story. As a Cycle, it holds me with some parameters for safety. And yet, people going through this major metamorphosis of parenthood are not reminded of this shift overtly. This sea change has fallen to the shadows.

So, it’s important to revisit these archetypes, as a way of normalizing this magical identity crisis. This is where Empowerment comes – i cannot empower anyone else, that work comes from within and is embodied.

Some of us are not mothers by birth nor have children to care for. And yet, the Mother archetype is more than raising children directly. The concept of “Mother” archetype is when you are in the “full bloom phase of your life, where you step into maturity and claim your inner power. It is about losing the charge of the child (or “maiden”), answering your soul’s inner calls, tending to your own inner wounds from a place of maturity—so that you can answer the convictions and calls of the world that is in such desperate need of mature feminine, Mother energy.” If you want to learn more about this, check out Sarah Durham Wilson of Motherspirit – her work is transformative.

The Mother archetype is for anyone, including those of us who is not a physical mother —it’s one thing to be a mother and another thing to be in the Mother phase of life.

Marion Woodman was a Jungian analyst who focused on this body of research. “The woman who is a virgin, one in herself, does what she does not for power or out of the desire to please, but because what she does is true.” This article dives deep into her work, as she believed the archetypal rite of passage was maiden-mother-virgin-crone I kind of love that she tried to reclaim the word ‘virgin’ to better reflect someone who is

There’s a beautiful word called matrescence that speaks to this messy transition and change in role and identity. Only after becoming a mother of two did i see i wasn’t prepared for the grief and loss of my life beforehand. When I realized this rite of passage needs to be messy and then integrated, it allowed me more self-compassion, acceptance and autonomy with this new role. Not all of us who are maternal are mothers and not all of us identify as mothers, and yet it’s such an age-old expectation. So having time to grieve is a empowering way of holding on to our full range of feelings. Having space to share these thoughts is itself a wonderful way of finding community when we feel so invisible.

All change takes time to integrate. The transition into motherhood takes up to 2 years. It’s a messy process, not unlike a butterfly coming from the goo of a chrysalis. Jessie Harrold speaks about this a lot and i love that she also refers to this messy transition as goo. In this article, she shares more about this change of rites of the heart.

“What the caterpillar sees is the end the rest of the world has not met as the butterfly”. ~Lao Tzu

Rites of Passage have three phases: separation, liminality, and incorporation (integration), as van Gennep describes: “I propose to call the rites of separation from a previous world, preliminal rites, those executed during the transitional stage liminal (or threshold) rites, and the ceremonies of incorporation into the new world postliminal rites.”

Here is a summary of the three stages of transformation:
1) Nigredo – Separation or Death
Here, we are reminded that we need the dark soil to give us nutrients. The shadow is not a bad or dark place, but a necessary reflection of richness in the dark. It is a passage, and opening. So, similar to the chrysalid, we need to take this time to retreat inward and reflect on our journey thus far, be in the moment, and breathe

If we think of a garden, it needs the dark soil to give nutrients and the shadow to let it grow. There is Richness in the dark. That is why we now hear the phrase “dark night of the soul’ as a passage: When we recognize this as a necessity to move through, it’s easier to do so.

If you are in this Phase, take some time to 1) Meditate on softness, breathe fully 2) retreat inward or in nature, 3) be still and settle in. Drop down, just like the model of a garden dropping its roots in the underworld 4) find images that are peaceful in the darkness 5) light candles to honour the shadows

This process creates a fight within us. When we break apart, that’s when we see the light. So we need the darkness to help us and guide us where to go

2) Albedo – Liminal (neutral) Space Between
This is a time that brings some clarity. We start to wash away impurities or inconsistencies. This is a marked change in attitude and deeper meaning to the process of change. So, it’s important to not rush and declare suffering is over. There is still some fragility and vulnerability in this new version of you – again, i see a young seedling that is trying to survive an early Spring storm.

The people in your life may expect more of you than you can give. They might try to put their thoughts on you. So instead, honour the quiet moment for its simple, innocent beauty. Embody a felt sense of joy and relief to come out of darkness. Ask who has come, and what does it need? Get close to suffering and sift it to find the gold.

It is still early to explain this to others as you are still tender here. What is the conversation you want now? You haven’t truly integrated yet – this is the liminal space that is messy and tender. You may still be bracing in case you may suffer again. As Deboarah put it, “it is Daybreak but not sunrise quite yet”

A ritual here could be to light a candle and then say out loud what you want to bring out of the shadows. Bringing the Shadow into the light with curiosity, self-love or compassion. The more we can embody our feelings, we are able to bring into the forefront our shadow. Movement and dance are key. Breathwork and posture helps too.

3) Rubedo – Integration and New Beginnning
This is the time of reckoning, of integration into a fully initiated and incorporated Self. It is when we are bursting in our new bloom and bounty. There is a warmth and light of consciousness, and yet there may be still a slight inner conflict as a part still wants the old, the new is still raw. This is when the butterfly sines in the light, or a new flower blossoms in all her glory.

We need to embody this new place in order to integrate it into our other parts. Some Parts have died. Others are new and don’t feel integrated or seamless yet.

So, ask yourself questions: Who am I now? What came out of this change? What do I need to bring to the world? How to bring out the story into that world. This is where the warmth and glow starts to happen – the gift of my transformation.

Don’t ignore this new self who worked so hard to appear and be heard.

One activity I love to do as a way to honour this phase and completion is to make an artifact or anchor. First, do a mindfulness exercise to see where you can locate that sensation in your body now. If it had a colour what would it be, a shape, a smell or temperature? Create the item in clay, paint it, collage, or write a poem about it.

Why am i going into detail about this? For one, it’s because a big part of my work is supporting people with their transition into parenthood as well as the metamorphosis that happens as they incorporate all their Parts back together. For another reason, i see so many of us still stuck in the role of mother, and they haven’t yet crossed the threshold into a fully initiated being. So many of us get stuck in Stage 2 – the liminal space of the role of mother superseding all else. We deserve better. Patriarchy wants us to stay in this place. It needs us to still identify more as a mother or in the Mother Nurturer realm. Patriarchy is afraid of our power and wisdom, that comes with a deeper connection to feminine energy. Patriarchy needs us to be stuck in our role as mothers, and doesn’t value us as more than that.

I have been grateful to witness this Collective emergence, both from the pandemic and reclaiming sacred feminine power/energy. There has been a re-wilding of our feminine energies, our sexual root energies that connect excitement and pleasure mixed with nurturance and creativity of mother. This excites me as i know I’m not alone in this calling to be more than a mom, to be a fully initiated woman.

For too long, the Divine Feminine and Mother archetypes have been hidden by their shadow parts. They have been deemed as less than, as secondary. This has led women to internalize shame about their worthiness and sovereignty. There has been a reckoning in becoming comfortable with the unknown, be wild and be with people who are okay with this.

As Sarah of Motherspirit reminds us “until a woman descends into herself..her own worth, purpose and voice, She will be seeking these treasures outside of herself for a lifetime, and no one will be served.She will remain a child begging for permission to trust herself, to feel her feelings, to take the healthy risks to bloom.”

Recognizing those archetypes in us helps us know ourselves more fully and that can lead us to being more intimate with ourselves and authentic. Having stories like these help us see the larger story of humanity and not just our own personal experience. It allows space to play with this new capacity of being a person who creates life (or art, or gardens) as well as the one who gives it vitality and energy to thrive. This is that fine balance shedding skin that no longer fits and coming out as a more full version of you.

7 Days of Embodied Sensual Pleasure: Implementing a Pleasure Practice

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I recently completed a course that I have been wanting to take for years. After being a student at University of Guelph for my undergrad, it had always been a dream of mine to take their intensive sex therapy course. I can now share the exciting news that I’ve completed it! While I’ve already been offering couple and relationship counselling as well as sexual health and sexual violence healing, this new training has offered a further breadth of support I can offer.

One of the final assignments of the course was to put together a pleasure practice guide. As this is something I’ve been working on in my own life and supporting others with, I’m sharing with you now some of the ways that you can start or enhance your pleasure practice.

It might be hard to access what you find pleasurable sexually, if you don’t already have a sense of it in your daily life outside of the bedroom. This guide is a great place to start. Each day, commit to some time to try out how you might add an intentional way to reflect on how to bring pleasure into your life.

In the amazing book, Pleasure Activism, adrienne marie brown shares that you find your pleasure path when you have embodied joy, happiness, satisfaction and connection. This is the embodiment of a pleasure practice.

As a somatic therapist, I created this guide to start from the bottom-up, instead of staying in our brain and thoughts. Using the 5 senses, pick one a day to see what brings you pleasure. This practice is about attuning to what gives you that felt sense of pleasure. If some of the senses are not available or accessible for you, focus on the ones that are. Notice if you can also connect any of these sensory anchors to what your core fantasy might also include.

Over the course of a week, spend some time daily just thinking about each of these and see how you can incorporate time to play with them. Each day, over the course of the day, focus on one sense. On the final day, combine the practices and set the scene. You don’t have to do them in order as presented, but try to do all 7 days. Repeat a theme if you have an abundance of ideas, need a do-over, or one sense is not available to you.

Please CLICK THIS LINK here to take you to the FREE Creating a Pleasure Practice Worksheet.

End the week by bringing in all five senses and save this last one to set your scene up for success. Set the room with the items that evoke pleasure, and see what happens when you bring it all together. Maybe you want to get candles, a cozy blanket, chocolate and wine. Put on some playful music, and wear a sexy camisole. Or how about setting up your backyard with a private oasis. Surround yourself in nature. Rest your feet or sit right on the earth. Take your undies off and sit right on the grass (thanks to amb for this gift!) Remember the goal is not necessarily sex but rather an embodied sense of harnessing your own pleasure.

Journal your reflections – what did you notice? What surprised you, would you do again, differently? What felt like it was missing something?

In last month’s article, i shared the idea of a Core Erotic Theme. If you haven’t spent time with it already, this is a perfect opportunity to create one. Think of what your Core Erotic Fantasy is now that you have spent some time discovering your pleasure path.

If you want to learn more, here are some great resources that speak further about this. I especially love adrienne maree brown’s book Pleasure Activist and that reminder that we all have a right to embody pleasure. Esther Perel’s body of work on pleasure is also a must. She recently did a workshop on enhancing foreplay pleasures. With topics on ritual, desire, exploring the senses, imagination and setting the right ambiance, this is a great resource. Blaire Lindsay’s free webinar series on finding your Pleasure Path also has some great activities. Rachael Maddox created this lovely gift as well.

While i said that this practice is for yourself, and i truly mean it as a stand-alone gift to yourself, it is also a great way to create more attuned intimacy with your lover. When new parents struggle with desire discrepancy, a new take on creating pleasure is a great way to get back on track. When new couples are trying to get connected in bed, this resource can be a great starting point. Or, for survivors of sexual violence, abuse or boundary violations, working on a pleasure practice can be a beneficial step to become clearer with how to meet your sexual desires with others. Vanessa Marin has great visual aid to help folx have a better sense of their sexual compatibility. Looking at this graphic, can you discern what might be lacking in your own relationships, what you can work on, or what is on fire?

Remember, the goal for finding your pleasure path is not to be sexually intimate with others, and yet it is so helpful to notice what feels compatible with others’ paths.

Now that you are starting your path to pleasure, you can get a sense of your compass or guide. Think of it as your ‘love pulse’ – it is your divine witness. Every once in a while, spend some time checking in with your love pulse – if it feels low, it may be time for a pleasure practice!