Tag Archives: relationship goals

We Avoided a Date with Disaster

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Last month, i shared some ways couples can recommit to their intimate relationship after becoming parents. This month, i’m back with a new article about intimate relationships and i’m sharing a story about my own trials and mistakes.

It’s been a few months since my partner and i have had a proper date. And by that, i mean getting dressed up and going out on the town. We make the intention to have lots of quality time and also sneak in mini-dates into our life regularly. And yet, we do need that special kind of date from time to time.

And so when we put the plan together to go to a new cute drinks spot, i was pretty excited. It was a Saturday night and i dressed up – i wore heels and a dress, and pulled out a vintage clutch instead of my usual purse. It was an added bonus that is new spot was in our own neighbourhood.

Neither of us wanted to drive because we wanted some tasty drinks and it was too close to deem a taxi worthy. So, when we walked a mere 2 blocks from our front door, i couldn’t help but wonder if the clouds in the night sky looked daunting, and more than just natural darkness.

Let me back up and explain that it’s my partner who is the ‘weather guy.’ He has an app he always refers to, and we ask him every morning to tell us the weather. He’s our go-to in-house weather forecaster. So, i guess a part of me assumed he already looked at the weather and deemed it worthy of the walk.

The first mistake is that i assumed this. The second is that i didn’t explicitly ask him to drive because i didn’t want to. The third mistake is that i didn’t look at the weather app because i wanted to wear heels and i dress – i don’t have to rely on others for this.

And so, we decided to keep walking and take the risk. We were barely past our own street when the rain started. Our wishful thinking and glass-half full perspective did not keep the clouds away.

And the rainclouds sure opened. We had to run for cover and wait out the rain for a few minutes. We were too far gone to go back, and i knew if we were to go home our night (let alone date and good humour) was spoiled.

You’d think the heat rising from inside me would have been enough to keep me dry.

So, it took me a few minutes to catch my breath and bearings, and to also sit with what i was feeling. Sure, i was mad and maybe a bit rage-y. I was also disappointed and frustrated. And my partner was too.

In the past, my bad mood may have made us turn around and go back home. Not only because i was wet and didn’t want to go out, but also because i would not have been pleasant company. This time, i noticed how i was feeling, and what resources i had within me to self-regulate and get back to Self energy. I knew my partner was grateful for this and he also wanted to go on the date, and it wasn’t his fault it rained on us. And he also was entitled to want a drink, and not have to drive for once. I knew this in my heart, so i was able to quiet that critical voice and my Inner Complainer, so that we could keep walking and enjoy our night.

And we did – we got to the bar, the rain stopped (in that order), and we had a lovely night.

I’m sharing this because i want to be transparent as a human who also happens to be a therapist who supports couples, and has a partner who is trained as a Non-Violent Communication facilitator who works with men. We are imperfect works in progress. And, we are witnessing our own healing and progress in real time.

Recently when my partner told me that he was afraid to tell me that an ember burned our pillow, i realized the narrative i have about myself being easy to talk to and easy-going is not necessarily true. That is absolutely true as a therapist and yet it can still be hard for my partner to be vulnerable with me, especially when he has to tell me something he did. My Inner Fiery Dragon was a strong protector of me, and yet she can be scary for others to repair things with. I get that.

So, what can we do, you ask?
Remember, it should not be a given that a relationship is inevitable, let alone happy indefinitely. All relationships take work simply because we are constantly evolving as humans, or at least we hope we are. So, get ready to learn, read, talk, question, and reflect on how you are doing on your side of the relationship coin.

A great place to start is to learn about your relationship with conflict. Do you know what your conflict style is? I’m not the type of therapist who will do personality quizzes with you. Partly because i find them simplistic, and also because i don’t think they showcase our full story. And yet, one way to really sit in the discomfort about the role we play in conflict is to notice a pattern. Do i hide my head in the sand like my pet turtle? Or do my teeth glare out like a shark or tiger? Does my body become soft like a fawn or teddy bear or is there wisdom in my response like an owl? Maybe instead of using animals as a mirror, how about looking at these typical ways we respond to conflict: Accommodating, Avoiding, Compromising, Competing, and Collaborating? Do any of these sound familiar to you – be honest! If you’re stuck, this article can be a great start to look into this more.

As a couples counsellor myself, one of my favourite resources about befriending our conflict style comes from the work of Sue Johnson and Emotionally Focused Therapy. She shares that we need to learn a new dance with others in order to break stuck patterns, be it an intimate relationship or other kind of connection. So a good place to start is to take a kind self-critical lens and really think about your own pattern when conflict shows up.

I know many of us are afraid to think about worst-case scenarios, and we may avoid looking at the cobwebs in the corner. I think knowledge is power so i appreciate knowing why a relationship may struggle or fail. A few main reasons are: a lack of growing, developing and evolving in parallel ways; getting stuck on differentiation, lack of repair after rupture that leads to emotional pain and trauma (triggers still alive); or lack skills and support to help them move past this stuckness.

So it bears knowing that developmental hurdles happen as a couple, whether it is after becoming parents or if one of is on a new journey in life. We may struggle with Differentiation, which is a manifestation of true individualism. This means we can acknowledge and trust that our inner experience is separate from someone else’s, and that’s not only okay but valuable. Our attachment style can impact our ability to trust that our opinions and thoughts about something doesn’t have to be questioned or minimized by someone else if we don’t share the same idea. In this article, Dr. Ellyn Bader shares more about what differentiation looks like.

I’ve been reading Dr. Tracy Dalgleish’s new book, I Didn’t Sign up for This. In it, she shares stories from her own marriage as well as other relationships to help the reader know they are not alone. The book is filled with resources and support, and i found her 4 C’s especially useful. This comes from her own work and research as a couples therapist. It describes the ingredients of Collaboration, Compassion, Connection, and Curiosity as important felt sense experiences to help couples get back to their Selves in a relationship. This connects to the individualism that is necessary for healthy relationships, and are the catalysts to repair after ruptures.

I also really value John and Julie Gottman’s work with couples and families. In fact, i have done training in their appraoch as a therapist and their research has become an integral part of my own growth and development as a human in a committed relationship. Since i didn’t have my own healthy models to look to growing up, learning this was important for me. They have a plethora of resources and have been on many, many podcasts and shows. Here is just one recent podcast that i found to be a great resource.

Oh how I wish this was taught in school. Back then for Little vania and now for my own kids now.

Lean into Love: The Ultimate Ultimatum

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I’m not one for reality TV shows. I think they sometimes feel too close to my work life and I want to be able to get a break by immersing myself in fantasy with a fictional TV show. I also sometimes just don’t want to be reminded of the messiness of humanity. My body can’t relax when I’m watching so much cringe behaviour.
And yet when I saw not even a trailer, but just the title cover on Netflix of the new show The Ultimatum: Queer Love, I knew that I was going to be hooked. I feel like you can’t go wrong when a show about real love and relationship also highlights (and in fact centres) queer love and lesbian relationships specifically. A show like this is necessary to portray not only the diversity of relationships but also what healthy relationships can look like. And to be clear, we can all learn a lot about love from lesbian relationships. For anyone who doesn’t know the story, the show is about couples where one person who gives their partner of some time the ultimatum to propose to be married or the relationship is over. Over the course of 2 months, they then can “date” other participants on the show to see if other (better) fish are out there.

Okay, i feel called to say that it’s not lost on me that i’m about to therapize people on a show. I am by no means an expert or have any direct knowledge. While queer myself, i also cannot claim to be an expert of all relationships. These are just my reflections. I also don’t know how these couples were picked, and at times their gender pronouns and relationships styles were not clear. Thanks to the streaming network i’m sure, they kept things a bit too ‘easy’ to fit into boxes. It was queer love with a for-TV attractiveness lens.

Oh to be a fly on the wall….

Having said that, there is still so much to say about the show, but some of the themes that really stood up for me are a) attachment styles and how they get in the way, b) we need to lean into love, c) communication is the key ingredient to a good relationship, and d) our conflict styles can really wreak havoc on relationships.These are themes that i can get aligned with. In fact, these are hot topics in my work life and personal life both.

Attachment
One key theme in the show is the impact of attachment styles on relationships, and how they play out. In fact, if you want a quick study of attachment styles in action, this is a show to watch. If you need to get a summary of attachment styles, go to my previous article. The whole point of the show is a bit of a mind field for insecure attachment styles. For someone who has an avoidant attachment style, or more so disorganized attachment style, being given an ultimatum – forced into a relationship – is a huge red flag, or a trigger at times. At the opposite end of this continuum, anyone who has ambivalence in a relationship needs this certainty. So they’re kind of coming at it from both sides of a messy, and yet entertaining, coin.

On the attachment scale, there was clearly a most avoidant of commitment winner: Vanessa. They clearly wanted to create a villain of the show. Why do shows need them in the first place? I think that Vanessa wasn’t a villain at all, but rather someone with an avoidant attachment style who didn’t want to be tied down and was struggling with commitment issues. She also is a human having a human experience, and was clearly nervous about the experience, so a way she defended herself against vulnerability was to armour up with sass and bravado.

Knowing what our attachment style is can really make a relationship last. It allows space for context and understanding. We don’t necessarily have 1 staple attachment style for all our relationships, but there can be one that plays a default time and time again. Knowing our attachment histories and love languages together can be the missing ingredient for many a failed relationships.

Choose Love
Speaking of love languages, we need to “lean into love” as Tiff would say. It’s not always easy but it is needed to do the work. It helps partners remember what the whole point of the work is. It gets them to a shared goal and value – love is under all the mess. When we choose each other again and again, it deepens our commitment to do the work. Or at least it is supposed to. The act of love is a continued commitment, as love is a verb. In some of these relationships, that was the missing ingredient. I don’t think they knew what the work entailed or had the determination to do the hard and long journey of healing.

One thing that stood out was that some of the participants couldn’t see the person they were with, but rather the version they wanted them to be: I’m looking at you Yoli and Mal, Xander and Vanessa. Love bomb, much? These four, and Lexi, were quite entangled. This happens so much, and yet i think people get stuck in the feeling of limerance, that they get confused and hurt when the real relationship shows up.

Sometimes, you have to be uncomfortable to move through something. When we learn how to sit in the discomfort of allowing space, this is where the change happens. Otherwise, we stay stuck in the endless loop of stalemated relationships. Ha – We are threatened to become Stale Mates! This is what seemed to happen to Lexi and Rae. Or at least that’s my version of events. I’m not against Lexi knowing she wanted marriage at 24, but rather how much she dominated the energy of the room and didn’t allow space for others’ to shine.

Communication and Conflict
I have a lot of time for deep, meaningful chats. This is something i loved witnessing – the participants really shared with each other and the show what they were looking for in love and life. They really talked to each other, and especially in their quasi ‘living together’ experiments. Some have called this season boring because of all the talking, others wanted more sexual action. And this is what i found to be the gift of the show – people showing the intimacy of deep relating and attunement beyond the bed (for the most part!).

Of course, it wasn’t always sunshine and roses. A lot of arguments happened because folks would get stuck on the mantra “Live your truth”….but obviously not if it directly impacts me. I think it would help so much if folks could be more honest and direct with their non-negotiables like a dog or kid, or having a baby. This truth has to be with themselves first and foremost, but also with their partner.

Another great lesson was this: Sometimes we may be on the same side but still disagree. It’s how we hold space for ourselves and each other when we disagree that matters. We got to witness conflict between the couples, and the ways partners respond to it. I know this is where shows like this get their ‘drama,’ but in real life people would not sit on the sidelines watching people bicker. We either leave or intervene. As humans, we still have a long way to go to learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy and useful way. I so wish kids are taught this in school, as opposed to the messy real-life version on the schoolyard. Watching the couples argue on the show was at times heartbreaking, and other times i was right there with them because they were working through shit.

Sometimes a partner needs time away to cool off and self-regulate. What matters is that all parties understand this and the time needed gets shorter. The person needs to do things to self-soothe so they come back to the conversation or shared space more resourced. I am trained in Emotion-Focused Therapy for Couples, so an occupational habit of mine is to track conflict styles and cycles. I did a lot of tracking while watching this show (and let me be clear, i binge-watched a few episodes and waited impatiently for the finale) was call out folks’ conflict styles. Attack – Lexi, withdraw – Aussie, compromise – Xander.

“Those butterflies in my stomach that I thought was meeting my love of my life are actually warning signs. It was my nervous system’s way of telling me to stay away.” vania sukola

Healed People Heal People
Sam and Aussie’s relationship is especially important to watch. At times, it is hard to watch, AND it acts as a reminder that we heal in relationships. We especially heal old attachment wounds when in healthy relationships in the present. I don’t want to give you any spoilers because this is MUST WATCH TV. And yet, I think it’s important to mention that this couple worked on their relationship needs, and not just the game. They worked on creating a solid foundation within themselves first, so that the relationship stood on solid ground. They started to heal together, and did some hard work. Aussie especially did some work to unpack their past traumas. Sam, to her credit, had obviously learned Aussie’s self-regulation needs as the cues they were. She more specifically did some of her own inner work to regain her voice and sense of self. When Sam shared that she was learning how to “listen to my own voice now” – that was TV gold for me. They are a good example of what trauma-informed relationships look like. This can be a whole article on its own – the makings of a trauma-informed intimate relationship.

They were able to hold both their needs at equal importance. I am so rooting for them.

Other relationships were not so lucky. Some of the participants seemed addicted to love, and became volatile. It’s a good reminder that love on its own is not enough. We need to have our reactions tempered. One couple in fact had so much conflict in their relationship that it lead to intimate partner violence. I don’t know if this outcome happens in previous versions of the show so I want to point out any relationship and community can experience intimate partner violence, lesbian/same sex couples are not exempt from this outcome. Abuse is not about gender but rather power dynamics and a need to feel in control. It is also connected to trauma bonding that stems from intergenerational trauma and the intersections of a person’s life.

Sternberg’s Love Triangle model reminds is that a healthy relationships displays all three of these pillars: commitment, passion, and intimacy. So, here is a summary of some other key lessons: Sex is a big part of healthy relationships and time is not enough to heal wounds. Love needs to be kind, and patience is a virtue. When we are committed to the relationship, we also agree to the ongoing work that it entails.

Remember, we can learn a lot from lesbians. Sure, the show is not perfect and as a genre, it is addicted to drama. Some parts were clearly staged. And yet, it showed how honest the people were about their needs and wants. It showed healthy communication, access to deep emotions, and a rich community of people in their lives. I loved meeting participants friends and family – they clearly had their loved ones’ best interest in mind. One concern I have is that either they don’t have therapists in the background or they don’t show it. I would love for shows to actually include even just one segment what a therapy session might look like, or just support for someone when they are leaving the stage or needing to take care of themselves. Netflix if you’re looking for a reader like this, or a consultant, i happily raise my hand here.