Author Archives: Vania

Following the Red Thread

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When my mom died in 2022, she left a huge hole in my heart. Not just for the void of not having a mother anymore and getting to be mothered in my older years, but also because i was left with so many unanswered questions about my motherline, ancestors and lineage, let alone have a chance to truly heal my relationship with her. I was just starting to repair our complicated relationship as well as learning more about my blood rites and motherline. There is so much that has died with her, and realizing this has awakened a long-silent part of me.

You could say her death radicalized me. It definitely was a catalyst to re-route me on a path that i now see i was always meant to be on. Some of it was about becoming more grief literate. And, even more so, it all leads back to my womb and menstrual cycles in general..

First, bear with me as i take you on a meandering path to give you the backstory of sorts, or the spiralling red thread path.

I was initiated by menarche at a mere 9 years old. I have been bleeding, somewhat regularly ever since, for 40 years. I think i have learned a thing or two about menstruation, monthly blood, and all the stages, stained undies, and stories in between. And yet with my most recent surprise bleeds at 49, i am seeing just how much more there is to learn.

Sure, I know how to use a tampon, a cup, and free bleed. Sure i know that i love having sex during my bleed. Yes, i know how to take out stains. What i didn’t know was how to listen to my own needs during the in-between times, the liminal times of luteal and follicular stages. That knowledge came many years into my relationship with menstruation, when i started to try to conceive.

I am now connecting all the red dots, and the truths that have been waiting for me to follow said dots. Kind of like the spotting that happens close to a bleed.

I am seeing the powerful teacher that menstruation is. I am becoming That Woman who talks about her menstrual cycle, and trying to change the stuck and incorrect term “period” to monthly bleed or moon time. Because, guess what? Our life doesn’t come to an end when we bleed. Our life isn’t over with a full stop – there is so much more to it that comes after the end of the period. That can mean each month as we cycle through the 4 stages of our menstrual cycle. And that also applies to the shift that is menopause.

This is where the blood mysteries come in. We are reclaiming this old truth that our monthly blood cycle is an oracle and our body is a temple. Our Womb is the altar of truth and the home of our spiritual awakening. It is a red thread, not unlike a tether or anchor that connects us to our ancestors.

I know, it’s all beginning to sound a bit woo, and guess what? I AM AND IT IS. Get over it. Move on.

Because, what could be more magical than having blood that doesn’t hurt, because there is no injury in fact. Those of us with wombs are shedding what we don’t need via our blood and it’s a river not an injury. This is an especially powerful truth when men are acting like boys and causing pain and suffering in this world as i write this, and so much blood is being spilled, and our rights to our own body autonomy are being stolen.

My mom died of complications that came from ovarian cancer. She had stomach pains for months, and so eventually went into the hospital because the doctors knew something was wrong but not what. She was 78 and hadn’t had her monthly bleed in years. I will never know when that rite of passage happened for her. One of my biggest regrets is not knowing when she was perimenopausa,l let alone when she reached menopause. We surely didn’t celebrate it or acknowledge it. It was never spoken about. In retrospect, i can suspect when she went though The Change because of the extra challenging and volatile times in my adolescence. It all makes so much more sense now..

She died because of her reproductive organs’ health had gone unchecked and unchartered for decades. Her death will not be in vain as it motivated me to learn all i can about wombs – the medical, physical and spiritual aspects of it.

These last few years, i have been quietly learning about menstrual health especially as it connects to our mental health. I support people who struggle with mood and body concerns connected to their monthly bleed. I hold space for people who are trying to conceive and haven’t been successful yet, or they have experienced miscarriages. I also companion people through their decision to have an abortion, or terminate their pregnancy. No topic around our blood rites and reproductive mental health is too much or small for me.

I needed to remember this when i was initiated into perimenopause. Looking back, I think i was meant to devote my life and way to be of service to the blood rites and their mysteries.

We are the daughters and children of the generation that was raised to believe that individualism, hyper-independence and self-sufficiency are the ideal. That meant we never talked about what happened at home behind closed doors, be it our sex lives, our time of month, or how much money was earned. So many topics were taboo so the generation of Boomers did not benefit from the modern day red tent and community. Sure, they did aerobics beside each other at the local YMCA, and maybe even changed into their pastel or vibrant work- out clothes beside each other. They surely did NOT talk openly about the womanly ways of life. They were too busy wanting to be like men and to prove that we can do anything that men can, regardless of our body telling us each month that there was a dedicated time to rest and turn inward.

Here’s a story that will showcase this disparity more. It happened to me while on vacation in Nova Scotia last month. When i was treating my family to a whale-watching adventure, the woman (who appeared to be quite older than me) selling the tickets shared her surprise on how i could have teenage children – she was convinced that i looked too young. After sharing my appreciation for her compliment, i also offered gratitude and said “my perimenopausal body is not sure i look that young and would beg to differ,” the woman got flustered and visibly embarrassed – for me, or herself, i’m not sure. She stated something like “yikes, that’s too much information, i don’t know what to do with it.” I laughed it off and also had to remind myself that not everyone is as comfortable to talk about their bodies.
Here’s a mind-fuck inquiry for you to contemplate: If the egg that eventually lead to the creation of me was first created in my grandmother, let us reflect back to what life would have been like back then. What was infused in the cell that became me?

I learned via Jane Hardwicke Collings that how we are conceived, born and how our mother experiences postpartum all have a direct link to who we will live and make decisions in our life. My mom had several miscarriages before me, and several after, including a stillbirth. While i have a younger sister, she does not have children herself. I also don’t know a lot about my motherline, but what i do have access to is how difficult it was to live in Serbia (then Yugoslavia) when my grandmother and mother were born, between 1914 and 1945.

Our blood rites are a spiral path of our own conception, to our birth, then menarche and sexual initiation (consensual), to marriage/conscious relationship and our fertility journey and birth of our children, and then the path towards menopause.

Now, with this generation experiencing the most amount of women and people in perimenopause and menopause (it is estimated that over 1 billion folks will be menopausal in 2030), we are not silent about this very real and physical transformation. Our silence will surely not protect us (thank-you Audre Lorde).

If Jane’s theory of the connection our birth story has to how we live our life is accurate, than i can glean from what i know of my own birth that it would mean many dark nights of the soul, layers of grief and aloneness, and finding my own path alone, without guidance or support.

Starting at the wee age of 9 years old; this is when i got my first bleed. I was initiated by menarche on a warm summer day, and i thought i had an accident in the backyard while playing on the tire swing. I called my mom into the bathroom and she gave me the facts. We also had cake to celebrate, which was fitting as food and making was my mom’s love language.

In my teen years and early 20s, I was curious about the sacred feminine and ancient goddess myths and stories. I got my first oracle deck and many books, including Women Who Run with the Wolves. Because the witch wound was very much alive in me, and was an invisible wound, i hid this side of me. So, I took a side-step and devoted myself to feminism and activism, fighting for women’s rights and safety. Same but different.

That’s how I became a trauma therapist only to then eventually find my way to somatic therapy.

I love using the Narrative Timeline as a resource, so i thought it would be a great way to reflect my journey to here. If i could zoom in onto this ten-year period, like how we see on maps that get close and personal to a specific area, the ten years of 15-25 were a crucial and key demonstration of who i was becoming. Over these ten years, i was danced with the Blood Rites of Adolescence:

At 15, i supported a friend get an abortion
At 16, i moved out of home and lost my virginity
At 17, i protested for abortion rights
At 18, i learned how to experience my own orgasm
At 19, i found my G-Spot
At 20 i realized how much i love love women
At 21 i volunteered at a Tantra Sex workshop at an annual Sex Research Conference
At 22, i had an unforgettable experience at my first bathhouse
At 23, i went on a transformative trip to India where Spirit led me on a pilgrimage into the ancient temples of yoga, community service, tantra, and breathwork
At 24, i met my beloved
At 25, i started my career supporting women who experienced intimate partner violence and sexual trauma

At 16 years old, i had my first experience with sex and intercourse. It was not exactly consensual as it was forced and manipulated, complicated and it created a very messy relationship with sex. This also coincided but me moving out of my family home, in a related and connected way. But that story is another one altoghter. By the age of 24 and many sexual partners and lovers, i learned a thing or about healthy relationships and love, and met my now-husband. We married when i was 31. At the beginning of this relationship, i did so much work on myself. After not wanting to be monogamous, nor wanting children, i healed many childhood wounds and started to try to conceive. Before having my first child, i had a miscarriage at 33, then a child at 34 via emergency c-section, and then my youngest child was born at home when i was 36.

The birth of my first-born was my initiation back to paganism and the sacred wheel of year sabbats, as well as Waldorf pedagogy. The birth of my youngest was my butterfly effect to trust my body and be in communion with the moon more intentionally. Her middle names of Moon honours the full moon that was a guide the night she was born.

I always knew i wanted to be a therapist, to work with women, and to help them find an empowering relationship with themselves, others, and their sexual selves. Working in the shelter system, as a first-stage crisis counsellor for abused women, as well as an outreach worker in this sector was something i was very passionate about for 20 years.

During this same time period, i worked as a counsellor at a reproductive health and abortion clinic. This was a side-step back to my calling, and then my own pregnancy lead me back to the more well-known path of trauma therapy. While i always knew my passion was supporting women to heal from relational trauma, it felt more like a place of service and not my true calling. It is something that brings me so much meaning and fulfillment, but it was confined to the parameters of community mental health restrictions and working for others.

And then, in the shadow of the pandemic, perimenopause (me) and puberty (both my kids) came knocking on the door uninvited like the emotional vampires they are.

“Being embodied is the way we remember how to listen.” Abigail Rose Clarke

It suddenly dawned on me this year that my work has always included the womb but never addressed it directly. I have been doing sexual trauma and relational trauma healing for decades. I started off in sexual trauma healing and then birth trauma, and now see I was meant to do blood rites work for the whole spiral from menarche to menopause and all in-between. This is called menstruality. This is my calling. This is more than my vocation, career, or passion. It is not just how i can be of service, but rather how i can be a voice for this ancient wisdom and knowing.

It is time to remember this again.

So, 2 years ago, when i realized it was perimenopause that came knocking on my door, i heard the knock. Whenever i am faced with something new, i want to learn all i can about it. I read, i take courses, and i self-study. In this case, i had a date with my menstrual cycle and the quiet whisperings from my womb. I attended a ceremony with Jane Hardwicke Collings, i attended Red School, and also took Adriana Rizzolo’s Womb Healer Teaching Training.

I’m not sure yet just how to incorporate it all into my work as it is actively unfolding. I do know that there was a reason in learned about sacred sexuality, somatic therapy, breathwork, and dance therapy – it is all coming together. And, if you are also on a journey with perimenopause, or want more support with how your menstrual cycle impacts your mental health, and also how to listen to your womb’s wisdom, reach out!

When i pivoted to birth trauma and parenthood, i didn’t realize then that i also needed to learn more about the womb as a way to complete this trifecta. That was the missing piece. Now as i am being initiated by menstruality due to my mom’s death and my own perimenopause, i see this piece as the missing link to it all. True healing and becoming whole is about integrating all of these pieces, and not just from a thinking and talking place, but from an embodied, body-based, and soul level as well.

I have always been walking towards this trailhead, this marker, not unlike the handprint hieroglyphics in caves found in southern France. I have always been inching my way to here, but i just didn’t know it yet. I had to be initiated into this stage of life to have the veil be removed. I had to be ready to see it.

We are cyclical beings and this is me evolving, to connect the trifecta more fully – mind, body and soul, from a red thread lens.

I am ready now. I connected the dots. I hear the call.

The Summer I Became Relaxed

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I had a realization recently that I want my kids to see me relaxing. It came after noticing how I would make a point to look busy when they came home. Not just when i was actually working from home, but when i dared to put my feet up and read a book or scroll on my phone. It wasn’t to avoid them but rather to make myself appear productive. I would see them at the front steps and run to the kitchen to look like i was cleaning the dishes or something else deemed worthy. I can’t be the only one, surely, or am i? Maybe?

It dawned on me that what i really want them to know is that I am enjoying my life: That we don’t always have to be working or busy; our value is not based on how productive we are, especially when it’s at the expense of our health. I want them to see that they ar worthy inherently and I am living a life of my making.

I also want to live a life of sovereignty and not servitude. I don’t want to be at someone’s beck and call. I wholeheartedly know that rested women will change the world. I think that’s exactly what patriarchy is afraid of. If rest and pleasure are our birthright, relaxing is the means that gets us there.

August is the time i dedicate to my own needs. To my own rest and pleasure specifically. I take off the month from client work so that i can rest my body, quiet my mind, and also tend to the dream seeds that i planted earlier in the year. They are now being born and need attention. I am so excited about what is yet to come this year!

We celebrated Lughnasadh earlier this month. It is the first harvest, where we start to collect what we need for the winter that is fast approaching. The corn and peaches are abundant. This also includes our own life’s dreams and the visions we cast for our life. What have you been nurturing and growing this year? Where do you feel abundant? In what ways have you been caring for yourself so that you can continue to work growing your own inner garden?

August reminds me to attune to my word of the year. As this year is committed to Presence, this is the time to be fully present with this moment right here right now. It is about coming ALIVE. That means we need rest to balance the service i give others. Rest restores us. It also reminds us that the life we are living is our own.

We are meant to be fully alive, not just relaxed. We are not meant to always be performing and creating. That leads to toxic productivity. Rather, humans need a balance of rest and renewal so that we can integrate what we have learned and experienced. We also all need to receive care, and not just be care-givers.

This can be hard when it is so often the case that we have strong Inner Critics who are in cahoots with the overculture’s tendency to push us to be selfless and martyr our own needs. We may have more freedom than our motherline and ancestors, but have still inherited helplessness. Luckily, many of us are healing from late stage capitalism, and internalized patriarchy that tells us to keep hustling and ignore knowing this truth about these ancient ancestral embodied processes that are connected to a feminine embodied way of being in the world.

Chronic stressful situations like isolation, loneliness, bereavement, caregiving, family conflict, deplete our empathy, dopamine, and serotonin levels. We replenish by being safe, seen, and supported by others. This is done through attunement and co-regulation.

Science has been conveniently quiet on research about what women are faced with and focus on – menstruation, matrescence and menopause rites of passage. And yet, this cyclical spiral continues to evolve and includes motherhood. It is an intuitive, wild dance that is also a soulful experience.

There are many instagram accounts, books, podcasts, and programs that are rising to the task to heal our toxic productivity and internalized patriarchy. For instance, I just finished The Relaxed Woman by Nicola Jane Hobbs. In her book, she describes various ways to become more relaxed. One thing that i especially appreciated is that she reminds us that giving ourselves our own care is a feminist act. “Becoming a relaxed woman is a feminist issue because freedom is at the heart of feminism” (pg 64). According to her, freedom is the felt sense of having choice and agency to do what we want. It is about having freedom to do what i can do, not just what i should do. She goes on to suggest that “patriarchal and capital values have hijacked the authentic feminism that inspired toward a more caring and interdependent society, replacing it with a corporate feminism that encourages independence and meritocracy. Instead of free women, it has trapped us in the same patriarchal, capitalist, values, and expectations that men face.”

Hobbs shares her concept of Compassionate Feminism as a counter to this. It is support for each other, care and respecting choices, private intimate everyday moments; ack our capacities, needs and vulnerabilities; compassion leads to care so can fight for everyone’s freedom and not be exhausted. Relax and rest is paramount. We are not built to fight for everyone; but are meant to all fight for something.

This is where the Relaxed Woman Archetype may be of service. She lives within all of us, and is waiting to be welcomed and released from the clutches of toxic productivity, patriarchy, white supremacy, and capitalism. She is ready to be uncaged and re-wilded. She is the one who can lounge with a good book and snacks as well as know that her worthiness is not tethered to success. She is the woman who can ask for help after becoming a mom, who takes a lunch break at work (especially when it’s not paid for), the adult daughter who sets boundaries with her parents who have turned to her for help all her life.

Hobbs offers this reflection as a guide: “She is the personification of our authentic self, our intuitive self, our wild self. She knows her worth, embraces her power, and trusts her inner rhythms of hard work and deep rest, of inner healing, and outer contribution, of holding others and letting herself be held. She feels safe and free in her body and in the world.”

In her book, Hobbs shares her 6 Steps for a relaxed woman journey.
1) Restore your inner resources
2) Regulate your nervous system
3) Nurture your relationships
4) Release your limiting beliefs
5) Realize your dreams
6) Join the relaxed woman movement

Softness in belly / stillness in mind / spaciousness in breath

We are wired for joy, kindness, compassion, play and rest – stress inhibits this. “Without regularly restoring our emotional resources we can find ourselves in an emotional rest deficit, which can manifest in feelings such as powerlessness, hopelessness, loneliness, anxiety, exhaustion, irritability, unworthiness, insecurity, overwhelm, self doubt” (Hobbs). Here are some ways that I have noticed reach a felt sense of relaxation and may help you also embody the Relaxed Woman.

Track Your Own Multitasking
For three days do the following: 1) Chart the length of time per day you are able to focus on one and only one task without doing another single thing at the same time. 2) Note how many tasks you work on longer than fifteen minutes without interruption. 3) Note how many sidesteps arose because you were multitasking or allowing yourself to be pulled off task by distractions. 4)Be aware that one of the major culprits to multitasking is the abundance of thoughts that fill your mind while you are doing something else. From Sandra Bond Chapman, Make Your Brain Smarter: Increase Your Brain’s Creativity, Energy, and Focus

Know What Rest You Need
Did you know that there are about 10 types of rest – emotional, physical, social, spiritual, social, mental, sensory, playful, ecological/nature, and play/creative. In a previous journal article, have spoken about how important it is to curate the right remedy for the rest you need. For instance, as a therapist, i need a brain massage, glow moments, and emotions that land in my system with ease and spaciousness.

For instance, during my month off from work, my emotional rest includes journaling, dance, delight moments, soaking in water, and lots of beauty. Play, wonder, and joy are how i embody rest and live in the moment.

Tiny Experiments of Rest
Nervous system resourcing helps us to stay connected to our present moment. It is not the goal to be calm all the time, because our body is meant to let us know when things happen outside of us that have an impact. We don’t need the time we give ourselves rest to be outlandish. A mere two minutes can go far. We need to titrate rest so that we can titrate with rest.

Taking care of ourselves heals our nervous system back into regulation and also gives our mind, body and soul the care it needs. When we relax with what is present it helps us be more mindful about what it is we need.

Another helpful practice is to rest with others. Body double with someone to really embody this. Cuddle with them, have a nap, read at the beach, float in the water together.

Make Rest Happen with Rest Rituals
Giving presence for the sacred in daily life can be an intentional pause on the couch and orienting your eyes to your immediate surroundings. This helps titrate your capacity for more rest. What makes it a ritual is to do it with intention and awareness.

Have you heard of the goddess Kuan Yin’s Royal Ease Pose? I have been sitting with this practice this summer and it has been one of the most beautiful, simple and potent rituals. If you feel inspired, try it – sit on the earth and maybe even open your skirt and have your real seat be on the land. Again, i am guided by Hobbs reflection that “rest is an act of trust and surrender.”

We become what we practice. What we practice, we become.

Maybe make a rest nest, something like the well-known ‘man cave.’ This nest needs our tending and also the agreement of our partners. Men also need to heal from the norms of masculinity by cultivating a more sacred, healed masculinity that also rejects patriarchal views of dominance. This includes participating more in the household. This means also breaking the cycle that our fathers modeled – to not be involved in the family life and tasks of being an adult and parent.

Rest -> Relaxed -> Restored -> Freedom -> Alive -> Sovereignty

One of the main reasons i take time off in August is to be present with my favourite season. Another reason is to ensure i don’t burnout nor suffer with compassion fatigue. In my line of work, active hope is a requirement. Spiritual stress is when we no longer find sources of meaning, peace, comfort, hope or connection. So the antidote is spiritual rest by creating a sense of meaning.

When we make a point to rest and be relaxed, it doesn’t only heal us, but also heals intergenerational trauma and sets the stage for our children and future descendants. How do you want to be remembered? Do you want to be remembered as compassionate, being relaxed and having joy or your service becoming servitude and being stressed and tired? I have had clients commend me on the long break i take for myself in the Summer. It gives them hope, inspiration and the modelling that is so important. As we care for ourselves, we embody the changes that we all need to heal from internalized patriarchy. This is also not about fixing anything that is broken in us. “Rather than fixing ourselves, we are becoming ourselves.” (Hobbs) We are becoming more relaxed, and feeling safe helps our authentic Self awaken.

Now when i hear my kids coming home, i keep my feet on the coach and look up with a smile to greet them exactly as i am: relaxed and content.

Blooming Together: The Growth of a Relationship

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This month honours a milestone for me – my partner and i have been together more than not, as we celebrate 25 years together. A quarter of a century. This also comes with other moments to celebrate: My partner and i are officially in mid-life. He turned 50 last year and my own big day is around the corner this year. We see the evidence of mid-life as we have embraced our grey hairs, change in eye sight, my own new friend Perry – perimenopause – as well as the less obvious changes like our soul awakening and the shifts that have happened with our children.

With midlife for parents comes the graduation of no longer being school-age parents. I am now a mother to teenagers. One kid is half-way through high school and has their first summer job, and my youngest is entering her last year of middle school. We are celebrating some magical numbers in my house indeed – 13, sweet 16, and 50!

Our wedding celebration is in mid-July, and in the wise words of Stephen Jenkinson, it offers a punctuation of sorts, a time to pause and reflect on who we are becoming as a couple, as well as honouring who we once were. It is more of a semi-colon rather than a full stop, as life continues to spiral and dance in this meandering way.

Over these last few years, i have been a student of the sacred feminine and well as in soul school. With this comes a lot of confusion. On my part because i never grew up religious or spiritual, and definitely in the eyes of my partner who grew up in a very religious community. As i immersed myself in learning about Mary Magdalene, i was met with curiosity at the best of times, judgement at time, and also just mere fascination at times. With these studies came a learning about the Sacred Union and twin flames concepts. In spiritual terms, a sacred union is when both partners embody both genders energetically.

I’m still digesting what this all means. What my own studies have shown me is the concepts of individuation and differentiation from Carl Jung’s work. It has also offered my partner and i a chance to embody a stage in our adult development that is connected to our deeper sense of self, one that has a (red) thread to our soul.

My partner’s first glances were of concern and confusion with my path but his next steps have helped him find his footing in his own path. Not only do i no longer need his approval, but we know have a felt sense of belonging to ourselves and also belonging together. We fit perfectly together, as the crown of my head rests in the exact spot near his heart and should for me to nestle in.

This is our version of a sacred union. We don’t have to be twin flames of sameness to also mirror each other.

Last year, right after he turned 50, my partner and i started pulling tarot and oracle cards together, as well as did a red thread inspired hand fasting ceremony of sorts under the feet of The Lady of Woodstock. It was our commitment to each other, to stay true to our path and also a way to honour our shared experience.

“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognize inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honor what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.” Heidi Priebe

We have gone through many seasons as a couple – a long distance honeymoon and early initiation that almost broke us before we truly began, highs like uniting together while living overseas in Kazakhstan (ask me about this life-changing experience if you like), and the ebbs and flow of parenthood. There have been griefs, shared orgasms, and everything in between. And each stage offers a death stage of the one before.

I like to think of my relationship like the growth process of a rose. This perennial flower that grows each year has to go through stages in order to blossom again and again. It needs to be nourished, seen, harvested and pruned regularly. May your relationship have the chance to bloom. It is called a symbol of love for a reason!

Something that can help is the Rose Bud Thorn Seed practice that many of us use as a way to reflect on something, be it at work, for our children or as feedback in a group program. In the context of an intimate relationship, these questions can be used beautifully. I have created some prompts that may help you:
Rose – What is blooming and alive in your relationship right now?
Bud – What is something in your relationship that is newly growing and you are excited about?
Thorn – In what area of your relationship is there something that feels stuck or challenging?
Rosehip – What is something that needs tending to or nurturing in order for your relationship to get
to a new place of growth and bloom? (think of this as a seed that needs to be planted)

Couples go through stages that can last weeks, months or even years. Similar to our inner seasons, a couple’s season can be stuck in a liminal space of no longer honeymoon playfulness and not quite break-up worthy. We are in the in-between, like the goo of a chrysalis. This happens often to partners who are parents together. When we don’t recognize or acknowledge the relationship for having gone through an almost invisible rite of passage, we can experience a lull. Knowing about the stages relationships go through can be very helpful as they offer a map of sorts. We are meant to be becoming new, evolving and maturing. Our becoming is also our undoing.

When i get lost on my spiral path, i remember that i have been here before. And wiser folks than me have created maps for us. I am inspired by Carl Jung’s alchemical change with spiritual development and Arnold van Gennep’s Rites of Passage theory.I am also inspired by Jessie Harrold’s take on rites of passage with her Stages of Radical Transformation. She uses the elements very wisely in her book Mothershift, and her example of motherhood breaks down the way the process flows beautifully. I think it can be pivoted well for relationship that moves toward deepening and enrichment. It’s a more elemental and magical way compared to Susan Campbell’s Stages of Relationship Building that i spoke about in a previous journal article.

These stages of transformation offer a perspective on how we can evolve as a couple, so that we may mature and re-align together. For many couples, one party may be evolving at a different rate. That might be in their career, hobbies, or spirituality. This happens often when couples become parents together, and one is experiencing matrescence in a more transformative way. When both parties are dancing at a similar pace and process, it helps them go through a transformation together. They are becoming something new together – The relationship experiences a rite of passage of sorts.

In her theory, we start by landing on Earth. This is where we get our feet grounded in the soil to help us anchor and really get a lay of the land, if you will. What has changed about the landscape of your relationship, what has remained the same? This is a good moment to take stock and do an inventory of sorts. We need to know where we are before we can map where we are going.

Next, we flow to the element of Water, which honours something we know is now ending by sitting with grief. This pause gives us space and intentionality to really see with a ‘grief lens’ what has come to a natural end. It might be well merited or heartbreaking. It still needs to be composted and released to the waters. We flow more fluidity when we are with our loss first. Using the example of having children, it helps to grieve that freedom you may have had as a young couple to go on dates, to stay up late, or to not feel tethered to parenthood.

Now we move towards Air, where the saying could not be more apt: everything truly is up in the air. This is a perfect moment to course correct and also give a change to a new way. We are just moving through the liminal space of that was then, this is now. Air is connected to our thoughts and what is held in our mind. Since change happens through the experience of a catalysing moment, it’s helpful to reflect on what brought your relationship to this point. More specifically, what has gotten in the way and solidified by default? This step cannot be disregarded or bypassed, and it usually is because so many of us are afraid to do the new thing, the third option of taking risk and finding our growth edge. This is what Susan Campbell calls Stabilization, we continue around in a broken loop. Air offers us a chance to come to the surface and not drown in our default.

If we are so lucky to find a life jacket, and come up for air, we get the gift of alchemy. The Fire that reminds us of the passion that brought is into the relationship in the first place. This last stage is dedicated to the element of Fire. This is where we most often skip to or skip altogether. We forget that the excitement of fire needs to be tended to so that the embers don’t fall away to ash.

Here, Jessie offers the practice of Tiny Experiments. These are small and more doable incremental things that you can practice. In the context of a relationship that is evolving, here are some possible tiny experiments:

* Couples Meetings – Call it what you will, a Moon Meeting or Relationship Ritual – but i stand by these meetings that are NOT dates. They offer a chance to do the managerial parts of life without making them the only time to be together. Sit with your calendar and create a shared one, discuss upcoming appointments, plans and tasks. If it sounds like a business meeting, it is – the work of your relationship needs it.

* Mini-Dates – Take turns to create one each week – a song and drink, sitting on the front porch or balcony. These are called mini for a reason, a tiny and doable way to get quality time together. I expand on this below.

* Reach Out when Apart – The Wise elders that are the Gottmans have a term, Connection Bids. I find that so many couples don’t speak the same language, so their requests for connection pass each other like ships in the night. This happens too with words of affection or appreciation. More often than not, what gets articulated are our complaints or criticism, not our admiration or compliments. Send a text throughout the day, or a funny instagram reel. It doesn’t have to be big to let your beloved know you are thinking about them.

It’s important to remember that the stages are not linear per se because they live more in a spiral path, and they unfortunately don’t flow in an organized and even rhythm. Some relationships may live in one elemental stage for years. Maybe one of the elements jumped out at you and resonated with you?

If that is true, don’t worry, there is hope for you yet. This is where relationship therapy, couples counselling, retreats, and so many other resources come in. You don’t have to go to therapy to work in your relationship, but all relationships do require some work – elbow grease and all! If it’s not scary, it’s not intimacy – it requires growth and finding an edge so that you move past comfort zone.

We have to nourish the relationship, tend to this rose garden, and it takes work, just like a garden that needs to be tended to, or our own body that needs nutrients.

As a therapist who works with couples, intimacy, pleasure and healthy relationships, i practice what i preach and live by example. My partner is a non-violent communicator by training and we are both dancing with grief and soul work. So we come by this milestone of 25 years together honestly and humbly. We have learned a few things along the way though, and so i wanted to share some key take-aways from us.

1) Communication is the Key Ingredient
I am pretty sure i have said this before here, and yet it always merits being the first thing i suggest to folks. Learn how to communicate so that you are heard, not just being able to say what is on your mind and in your heart. Communication is more than speaking and it requires active listening on both sides, as well as modelling what we need. It is not just what we say but how we say it, and that doesn’t always mean with our words. Our action and non-verbal cues speak volumes.

2) Make Time for Pleasure and Presence
You may be sharing a life together but maybe it has started to look more like managing a business together rather than an intimate life. When was your last date or shared experience of pleasure? I don’t just mean sexual intimacy but also a shared laugh, cry, mutual delight in a road trip or watermelon? And of course, finding what turns you on sexually can start with the senses that make you feel alive in your everyday.

How do you take time to be present with your beloved? This is a good time to think of these Tiny Experiments i mentioned earlier. How do you microdose pleasure so that you can be more present with your partner?

3) Spend Quality Time Together and Alone
Speaking of spending time together, this is when you pull out your shared calendars and intentionally book time off to be together. You can co-create the date or take turns. What matters is that you take to experience joy, pleasure, and tend to that fire that brought you together in the first place. We need to prioritize shared experiences and appreciate each other’s company. When we forget to do that or take it for granted, the work of relationships forgets the point of it – we are on the same team and we love each other.

We also need to spend time apart as well as together. It is healthy in relationships to have some independent interests and hobbies. This is what Carl Jung calls Differentiation – the ability to stay secure about each other’s interests especially when they are not shared.

4) Notice Which Part of You is in the Driver’s Seat
When we learn what our needs and limits are, it helps to stay in what Internal Family Systems calls ‘Self’ energy. When we can hold this energy, we feel connected, calm, curious, compassionate, and clear about our needs and the moment at hand. So often, our Parts get activated by a conflict or potential one, and it is them that are arguing with other people’s Parts. When we start to be mindful and attuned to our personal Back Story, the Parts don’t take the front seat.

The next time you are in a heated discussion with your partner, as yourself if this feels like the familiar shutdown of your teenage self, or a tantrum of your former childhood. These are Parts that carry burdens, fears and agendas for you know. They can be incorporated into you and have a new role and more appropriate agenda. If you want to learn more about how to get to know your Parts and how they show up in intimate relationships, this book is a fabulous resource.

5) Appreciation
We all have basic needs to matter and be valued. This is hardwired into our body, in our nervous system’s social engagement system. Our basic needs of safety, security and being seen as infants evolves into this more rich need to belong, to truly matter and be celebrated. Similar to missed connection bids, our words of affection or appreciation do not always land as they are meant.. More often than not, what gets articulated are our complaints or criticism, not our admiration or compliments.

We need to be seen, and seen in our goodness. Similar to a deficit in nutrients, we may experience a “nourishment barrier” when the care that is being offered to us isn’t felt in our body, whether it is an insufficient amount or an inadequate offering.

Is it hard to receive love and compliments because you have barriers to being nourished? A trauma imprint gets in the way of nourishment because we continue to scan for safety. It becomes a core wound that imbeds in our body, like a parasite that gets in the way of being nourished by love. This may lead to struggles with low self-worth and feeling like you don’t matter or deserve praise. How do you receive compliments? Does it feel awkward to have attention on you that supports you, validates or recognizes you for your amazing work? Do you turn inward, blush or push away the kind words? This type of barrier can be a way we deny ourselves kindness or appreciation because it makes us feel vulnerable and exposed.

I know that these suggestions are bite-size tastes to what you can do if your relationship is stuck in a rut, or in a long Watery Winter season. I can assure you that when you all agree to the work of tending to your relationship garden, you can grow a beautiful perennial rose garden. And if roses aren’t your jam, wildflowers and a plethora of options are available – just stay away from the foxglove (wink).

Speaking of what may be blooming, i have exciting news! My partner and i have been growing together and i’m so grateful that our gardens co-exist and compost together. We have found an inner rose garden to tend together. Inspired by our 25 years together, we are co-creating a workshop for couples who need a bit more support with their relationship garden. If you live in the Toronto area, stay tuned for some delicious and deep offerings this Fall, where we can help you care for your relationship. We will blend traditional couples counselling with non-violent communication, nervous system support, ritual and a microdose of pleasure and play.

Folllowing My Flow: Our Stages and Phases of Life

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I have been dancing with perimenopause for the past few years. Having had my period since i was 9 years old, i assumed i would reach menopause earlier, mainly because i never would have guessed to have my menstrual flow for over 4o years. Forty years. Clearly, this is something i am meant to know intimately, to be an expert in, to embrace even. I am learning that maybe having my moon bleed each month is one of my talents, or something i know intimately well. This year, i have bled twice, when i was convinced it would be my last year, as i am in my 5oth year on Earth.

Each month that i have shed this year so far has been a lesson in patience, surrender, and reflection. This month, i bled unsurprisingly at a women’s festival where i was in the country, on sacred land, with 250 other women. Oh, and i was guiding women through a menopause circle while bleeding.

And it’s a full moon as i write this, while still bleeding. It’s been told that those of us that bleed with a new moon do so because they have something to learn and reflect on. Those of us like me, for many full moons over the years, bleed with the full moon as act of mediumship, shaman work to teach others something.

I think this is the lesson i am gleaning from this recent bleed: What has been lighting me up these last few years is the metaphor and guidance of cyclical living, of the moon phases and seasons that spiral. I think i’m meant to dive deeper into this knowledge to teach others about this connection of the moon phases, our menstrual cycle, the seasons and our own feminine archetypes. It’s all connected.

I love when I can see that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. Whenever I am wavering, I look at the moon or the seasons as a guide. Now in my season of perimenopause, the maps and cycles have given me such guidance, care and reminders. Perimenopause is the beginning of an initiation into elderhood. It is a portal where the veil that hides us from deeper truth is removed.

Marion Woodman coined the term Virgin as the time between Mother and Crone, when women can reclaim being whole onto ourselves. Others call in Mage, Queen, Wild Woman. Whatever the term, i am so here and ready for this archetype. The triple goddess story does not reflect our human existence anymore. We have a whole season between earlier motherhood years and cronedom. This is the space, the liminal, the inbetween. The ages of 40 – 55 are when we typcially go through perimenopause, and we are definitely not early mothers nor are we old yet.

Perimenopause is a hormonal as well as spiritual experience, an awakening and possible transformation. It is a portal as it is an initiatory gateway so that we can hold the opposites of who we are and who we were meant to become. The soul journey is the blueprint for us before the imprint of our life got in the way. We get to course correct even month with our shedding (menstrual time) and when we miss this experience, the luteal stage reveals our biggest truths and wantings. Sure, we have reframed it at “PMS” but it is in fact our deepest truth waiting not so patiently for os to get back on track. When others call is pre-menstrual it’s because our mood and behaviour is confronting a story or need they have at our expense.

We need to remove the veil that has been placed before us, and step into the portal. In the wise words of Jane Hardwicke Collings, this includes rescuing the menopause story from the dungeon of patriarchy. I was so honoured to be in her company when she came to my city recently, to sit together and marinate in her wisdom and impassioned embodiment about all this menstruation.

“In order to reclaim our full selves, to integrate each of these aspects through which we pass over the course of our lives, we must first learn to embrace them though our cycles.” ~ Lucy H. Pearce

When we know more about our bodies, we are empowered. We are strong. We remember.



Embodied Psycho-Spiritual Therapy: Somatic healing and witchcraft

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“Ancient goddess traditions understood what modern somatic therapies now affirm: that pleasure, embodiment, and connecting to the senses are gateways to healing and transcendence.” Dr. Denise Renye

As i deepen into my personal practices of spirituality and somatic healing, I’m noticing more and more how i’m weaving them together. When i once kept the spools of thread very separate, i’m now appreciating how the tapestry is more enriched when all of me is present. In this unfolding i’m dancing with, i’m learning to weave liminal threads and incorporate a more full expression of myself as much as i can. While i will forever remain a feminist therapist, i now also embrace a psycho-spiritual approach to my work as a psychotherapist.

Here’s a little known fact about me – i’m called to the magic of witchcraft. That doesn’t mean you also have to identify as a witch to receive my support. What it does look like is i infuse ritual and holistic practices into my therapy space, as a way to de-colonize my therapy practice and also embrace the ancient wisdom of nature and my own lineage.

Luckily, just as somatic-based therapies have been accepted by the professional mental health world, so too are spiritual practices like meditation, and more transpersonal practices like dream work, depth psychology and rituals. They have always been here, on the margins and hidden in plain sight. Now that more and more folks are rightfully asking for this, we are starting to feel safer in bringing these ancient and healing practices into the therapy room.

There is a rich history from time immemorial of somatic practices as well as witchcraft. I have seen first-hand the healing potential of integrating soul work and body practices. Transformation and (possibly) transmutation can happen only when we truly welcome mind body soul work in what we call psychology or mental health. The term psyche means soul mind after all!

A lot of my sessions begin with a grounding exercise or breath work. I offer this to the people i support as a way to get more fully present in the session, and as a way to become more aware (attuned and interceptive) to their inner experience. This also helps slow down their overwhelm of feelings when they arrive to the session. In my spiritual rituals and sacred gatherings, we also do breathwork and grounding practices when we cast a circle or start a ceremony, for the very same reasons. It helps to shift the energy field, frequency and vibrations and let the everyday hustle and bustle of life stay out of the circle.

Breath work is beneficial as a way to altar consciousness. In Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, this practice is called Dual Awareness. It is used as a tool to release tension and embody relaxation and calm. This allows us to be more present and expand our window of capacity by titrating the feeling that may otherwise get in the way of processing what has happened.

Speaking of breath work, I love Laura Tempest Zakroff’s book The Anatomy of a Witch. She devotes the book to sharing her wisdom of how the body is a part of witchcraft practices. She describes in depth the Witch Body (see the slide on the left) as a way to see how our body is our temple, a tool, and is technical. She also shares how the mind body soul trifecta and the 7 chakras have a similar analogy in The 3 Cauldrons. Based on ancient Celtic roots, this theory sees how the Cauldron of Wisdom is the mind’s capacity to have mental clarity and transform. The Cauldron of Motion is found in the heart and lungs to find balance for our emotions (e-motion!) and create movement – this is where we get to the heart of the matter. Finally, the Cauldron of Warming is in our womb and pelvis, where passion can create new things and birth sovereignty.

I’m sure you have heard of the book The Body Keeps the Score. Van Der Kolk’s work is not new, but a culmination of facts and evidence about how the body has wisdom and can be an alarm bell when something in our present experience is reminding us of a past trauma, harm or danger. When we can see the vagus nerve travelling through our body, connecting body parts together like a serpent, it’s easy to see how magical our body is. The amygdala is a tiny almond shaped alarm bell in the brain that gets activated when reminded of something. We know it does this and so much of the brain is till mysterious. My body has another special alarm. Have you heard of the canary in the coalmine concept? This is when a canary or song bird is placed in a cage deep in the depths of a mine. They sing when they are relaxed and feel safe. When they stop singing, this gives the miners who are working a hint that something dangerous might be imminent. My vagina does this whenever i see someone who gets cut and it’s bloody. My vagina tingles and turns on like an alarm bell out of empathy and wordy. My body is a source of knowing, and for that it is powerful as fuck. Is this just me?

“Ritual is the original therapy. Before diagnoses, before credentials, before “private practice,” there was fire, circle and song.” Holly Truhlar

We can bend time in therapy. While it’s true there may be a focus on our past in the therapy session, it’s not because we think we can go back and change things. We don’t actually want to cause harm and open old wounds. Rather, one of the powerful things we have learned about how the brain can heal trauma is to have reparative or corrective emotional experiences in our present day life. Having a reparative experience in a somatic way is a bit like witchcraft as we are rewiring our neural synapses in our brain to add in a new experience or ending for something that didn’t happen and yet feels like it did. We can’t change what happened to us. We can change our relationship to what happened to us. Neuroception is a form of alchemy and energy field attunement. Our brain can rewire the new neural pathway to create a new ending – what wires together fires together!

Speaking of fire, i love how some therapeutic practices incorporate the elements into the process of healing. One of the reasons i was pulled to Internal Family Systems was the intentional use of air, fire, water and earth as a way to heal and release an old wound or stuck Part. This article offers a beautiful ritual for you to do yourself. Yes, Dick Schwartz was heavily influenced by Carl Jung’s work as well as shamanistic practices. IFS is internal animism or shamanist work, and for good reason – these rituals and ceremonies are the original therapy!

Let’s take a moment and notice how the elements can be a resource: In Air, we can cast a new spell: In my last journal article, i spoke at length about the power of story telling and talk therapy. Speaking our truth out loud is like casting a spell. It lessens the hold it has on our body and can act as an alchemical change. It’s like shedding emotional skin. Air is a form of communication. We gather information by our sense of smell. Our olfactory system is our most ancient sense. With Fire, we can alchemize our anger and keep our inner spark alive. With Earth, we embody our ancestors and also root into this present moment. And with Water, we can find flow and honour our wellspring of feelings. All of these have rituals and practices that can enrich us in our healing.

“Rituals and care practices aren’t just ways to keep our hands busy while we hope time heals all, but they are proactive ways to stabilize and make sense of what just happened.” Carla Fernandez, Renegade Grief: A Guide to the Wild Ride of Life after Loss

Carl Jung shares this: “The main interest of my work is not concerned with the treatment of neuroses but rather with the approach to the numinous. But the fact is that the approach to the numinous is the real therapy, and inasmuch as you attain to the numinous experience you are released from the curse of pathology. Even the very disease takes on a numinous character.” I love this reflection as it lands in my own body as confirmation – we are more than our labels an diagnosis. We are moved by emotion when we hear that first note of a song that always moves us to tears, the glory of a cloudless night sky, being in a forest and that light bubble that dances on my hand. Numinous experiences are the moments of wonder and awe, of the not quite explainable and yet is so real. The reflect the mysteries of life are as present as the tangible, logical brain experiences. The numinous moments are where glimmers, glow moments and expanding our nervous system capacity live. They are what rewire our souls’ blueprint – we are meant for more and we are all one.

In her book, Anatomy of a Witch by Laura Tempest Zakroff shares her term “witchual.” I’m so here for a good pun, and this one really captures the ritual of witch-influenced ritual crafts and pratices. Rituals are a part of a ceremony as a way to deepen into an experience. They enhance our presence and participation in something. This can lead to a sense of agency as a ritual has a purpose and result. This is a big reason why i’m drawn to practical magic like herbal medicine and ritual crafts like how a witch ladder talisman becomes a guide. I also keep a selection of oracle cards at my office, and at times i either begin or end a session with a card pull. A ritual doesn’t have to be lengthy or complicated to be powerful. Having a way to begin and close a session together is a beautiful way to honour the process.

I see a therapy session as a ritual and ceremony. Each session has a clear beginning, middle and end and in the overall work. Sometimes, we start and end with breathwork. Meditation is a big part of how we access our Parts and become more aware of our body’s sensations. Sometimes, someone i support asks to pull an oracle or tarot card or do a specific ritual to honour an ending. Therapy is a way that folks can be witnessed in their growth and transformation. This is also a big goal in ceremonial gatherings – to be witnessed. There is a blend of masculine structure and a trust in the feminine strength of following an organic flow.

Dance and movement are a part of witchcraft practices as well as somatic therapy. I have learned some beautiful ritual dances myself, and have grown up with the magic of dance to help me process my emotions, release my sadness and stress. I find dance, be it ecstatic dance or ballet, 5Rhythms or a group rave to be a conduit for an altered state of consciousness. Dancing helps us access a felt sense of joy and pleasure, and to express ourselves in non-verbal ways. Another benefit of dance as a somatic resource is that it can connect us to our ancestral and cultural roots. As a child, i used to take Serbian traditional dance classes, in a circle with my peers. When i join in circles now, i feel this connection alive in my body, like i’m dancing with the ghosts of my past and former lives. I know some time ago in my lineage, my Babas (grandmothers) worshipped and danced for the Goddess. Again, Zakroff reflects this sentiment well with the following words: “Finding the song of our bones can help us heal past wounds and aid our own work.” Sayings ‘we feel it in our bones’ or ‘it has good bones’ comes from somewhere and is so wise! The human body is truly a vessel for magic. Our breath can inspire something new, our blood is our engine that moves us through life, and our mind can cast spells.

Similar to dance, there is also a connection between the therapeutic resource of psychodrama and witchcraft. For instance, tarot is the card depiction of the fool’s journey. It is a story that steeped in our ancestors’ way of turning to wise guides and elders. Tying in myths, fairy tales and god/goddess stories are a key ingredient in psycho-spiritual therapy. It is the story that matters, not the medium. We are social creatures and can see the relevance of an archetypal story in our own personal plight. This transfers well to how role plays can be a catalyst. When we act out a limiting belief or an alternate ending, our body creates an alchemical metamorphosis.

Witches shapeshift as a way to bend reality and also glean wisdom. It is done intentionally as a way to change an energetic frequency, and can be a way to connect to more-than-human guides. In another way, when feeling threatened or scared, people default to a trusty (albeit faulty) nervous system response of fight/flight/fawn/freeze. It is a type of shapeshifting as way to protect ourself that needs an update so we can instead embody power within. Have you ever felt frozen like a deer in flashlights or like a turtle who falls into your shell? Maybe you want to flee the scene of conflict or scream your truth outloud. That’s a Part who is shapeshifting for you. I think of the powerful book and movie Night Bitch. The main character literally shapeshifted as a way to state shift and create a change in her life. I can’t say more because it will spoil the movie for you!

We can use this chameleon energy intentionally, and with full awareness. For instance, when i want to feel more empowered and strong, i put on the suit of my Inner Warrior. I envision putting on my armour and stand like a Warrior. When i feel the need to buckle down and write this article, i channel my inner Carrie Bradshaw. And, when my kids are being treated unkindly, i know i’m not alone when i want to embody my Inner Mama Bear!

Herbs and holistic care also offer a positive impact on the body. They act as a way to connect to the natural world and remember the ancient wisdom, as well as the truth that we too are a part of the natural world. In this very helpful article, the author shares the following: “In witchcraft, this is often expressed through the use of natural objects such as stones, crystals, and feathers, which are believed to have energetic properties that can be harnessed for healing and transformation.” Similar to pagan and earth-based natural remedies, somatic healing offers such deep guidance and wisdom and guidance. What we now call Ecosomatics is also ancient medicine, practices, and rituals that integrate forest baths, walks, and meditation. While i don’t explicitly use herbs in my therapy practice, i have essential oils on hand as a means to self-soothe. I offer tea and grounding techniques that help folks resource in their own body. As i entrust in people’s autonomy and agency, i also inquire about their own knowledge and practices that may infuse plant medicine, herbs, crystals, and other holistic resources.

Similar to the elements, the use of the senses also offers such support and healing. When we slow down and become attuned to our body’s sensations and become present with the here-and-now, we are also given the gift of being with nature. Humans are nature too and so when we re-inhabit the home that is our body, we are bending time and coming back home to our innate intelligence and knowing. This deepens our self-trust and intuition, and also gives us a felt sense of belonging – to ourselves. When we blend these practices into our life, they can heal more than ourselves. Our ancestral wounds and legacy burdens get tended to, our bodies become more connected to our mind, and our soul’s journey becomes more present so that we can become our truest self.