Author Archives: Vania

Blooming Together: The Growth of a Relationship

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This month honours a milestone for me – my partner and i have been together more than not, as we celebrate 25 years together. A quarter of a century. This also comes with other moments to celebrate: My partner and i are officially in mid-life. He turned 50 last year and my own big day is around the corner this year. We see the evidence of mid-life as we have embraced our grey hairs, change in eye sight, my own new friend Perry – perimenopause – as well as the less obvious changes like our soul awakening and the shifts that have happened with our children.

With midlife for parents comes the graduation of no longer being school-age parents. I am now a mother to teenagers. One kid is half-way through high school and has their first summer job, and my youngest is entering her last year of middle school. We are celebrating some magical numbers in my house indeed – 13, sweet 16, and 50!

Our wedding celebration is in mid-July, and in the wise words of Stephen Jenkinson, it offers a punctuation of sorts, a time to pause and reflect on who we are becoming as a couple, as well as honouring who we once were. It is more of a semi-colon rather than a full stop, as life continues to spiral and dance in this meandering way.

Over these last few years, i have been a student of the sacred feminine and well as in soul school. With this comes a lot of confusion. On my part because i never grew up religious or spiritual, and definitely in the eyes of my partner who grew up in a very religious community. As i immersed myself in learning about Mary Magdalene, i was met with curiosity at the best of times, judgement at time, and also just mere fascination at times. With these studies came a learning about the Sacred Union and twin flames concepts. In spiritual terms, a sacred union is when both partners embody both genders energetically.

I’m still digesting what this all means. What my own studies have shown me is the concepts of individuation and differentiation from Carl Jung’s work. It has also offered my partner and i a chance to embody a stage in our adult development that is connected to our deeper sense of self, one that has a (red) thread to our soul.

My partner’s first glances were of concern and confusion with my path but his next steps have helped him find his footing in his own path. Not only do i no longer need his approval, but we know have a felt sense of belonging to ourselves and also belonging together. We fit perfectly together, as the crown of my head rests in the exact spot near his heart and should for me to nestle in.

This is our version of a sacred union. We don’t have to be twin flames of sameness to also mirror each other.

Last year, right after he turned 50, my partner and i started pulling tarot and oracle cards together, as well as did a red thread inspired hand fasting ceremony of sorts under the feet of The Lady of Woodstock. It was our commitment to each other, to stay true to our path and also a way to honour our shared experience.

“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognize inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honor what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.” Heidi Priebe

We have gone through many seasons as a couple – a long distance honeymoon and early initiation that almost broke us before we truly began, highs like uniting together while living overseas in Kazakhstan (ask me about this life-changing experience if you like), and the ebbs and flow of parenthood. There have been griefs, shared orgasms, and everything in between. And each stage offers a death stage of the one before.

I like to think of my relationship like the growth process of a rose. This perennial flower that grows each year has to go through stages in order to blossom again and again. It needs to be nourished, seen, harvested and pruned regularly. May your relationship have the chance to bloom. It is called a symbol of love for a reason!

Something that can help is the Rose Bud Thorn Seed practice that many of us use as a way to reflect on something, be it at work, for our children or as feedback in a group program. In the context of an intimate relationship, these questions can be used beautifully. I have created some prompts that may help you:
Rose – What is blooming and alive in your relationship right now?
Bud – What is something in your relationship that is newly growing and you are excited about?
Thorn – In what area of your relationship is there something that feels stuck or challenging?
Rosehip – What is something that needs tending to or nurturing in order for your relationship to get
to a new place of growth and bloom? (think of this as a seed that needs to be planted)

Couples go through stages that can last weeks, months or even years. Similar to our inner seasons, a couple’s season can be stuck in a liminal space of no longer honeymoon playfulness and not quite break-up worthy. We are in the in-between, like the goo of a chrysalis. This happens often to partners who are parents together. When we don’t recognize or acknowledge the relationship for having gone through an almost invisible rite of passage, we can experience a lull. Knowing about the stages relationships go through can be very helpful as they offer a map of sorts. We are meant to be becoming new, evolving and maturing. Our becoming is also our undoing.

When i get lost on my spiral path, i remember that i have been here before. And wiser folks than me have created maps for us. I am inspired by Carl Jung’s alchemical change with spiritual development and Arnold van Gennep’s Rites of Passage theory.I am also inspired by Jessie Harrold’s take on rites of passage with her Stages of Radical Transformation. She uses the elements very wisely in her book Mothershift, and her example of motherhood breaks down the way the process flows beautifully. I think it can be pivoted well for relationship that moves toward deepening and enrichment. It’s a more elemental and magical way compared to Susan Campbell’s Stages of Relationship Building that i spoke about in a previous journal article.

These stages of transformation offer a perspective on how we can evolve as a couple, so that we may mature and re-align together. For many couples, one party may be evolving at a different rate. That might be in their career, hobbies, or spirituality. This happens often when couples become parents together, and one is experiencing matrescence in a more transformative way. When both parties are dancing at a similar pace and process, it helps them go through a transformation together. They are becoming something new together – The relationship experiences a rite of passage of sorts.

In her theory, we start by landing on Earth. This is where we get our feet grounded in the soil to help us anchor and really get a lay of the land, if you will. What has changed about the landscape of your relationship, what has remained the same? This is a good moment to take stock and do an inventory of sorts. We need to know where we are before we can map where we are going.

Next, we flow to the element of Water, which honours something we know is now ending by sitting with grief. This pause gives us space and intentionality to really see with a ‘grief lens’ what has come to a natural end. It might be well merited or heartbreaking. It still needs to be composted and released to the waters. We flow more fluidity when we are with our loss first. Using the example of having children, it helps to grieve that freedom you may have had as a young couple to go on dates, to stay up late, or to not feel tethered to parenthood.

Now we move towards Air, where the saying could not be more apt: everything truly is up in the air. This is a perfect moment to course correct and also give a change to a new way. We are just moving through the liminal space of that was then, this is now. Air is connected to our thoughts and what is held in our mind. Since change happens through the experience of a catalysing moment, it’s helpful to reflect on what brought your relationship to this point. More specifically, what has gotten in the way and solidified by default? This step cannot be disregarded or bypassed, and it usually is because so many of us are afraid to do the new thing, the third option of taking risk and finding our growth edge. This is what Susan Campbell calls Stabilization, we continue around in a broken loop. Air offers us a chance to come to the surface and not drown in our default.

If we are so lucky to find a life jacket, and come up for air, we get the gift of alchemy. The Fire that reminds us of the passion that brought is into the relationship in the first place. This last stage is dedicated to the element of Fire. This is where we most often skip to or skip altogether. We forget that the excitement of fire needs to be tended to so that the embers don’t fall away to ash.

Here, Jessie offers the practice of Tiny Experiments. These are small and more doable incremental things that you can practice. In the context of a relationship that is evolving, here are some possible tiny experiments:

* Couples Meetings – Call it what you will, a Moon Meeting or Relationship Ritual – but i stand by these meetings that are NOT dates. They offer a chance to do the managerial parts of life without making them the only time to be together. Sit with your calendar and create a shared one, discuss upcoming appointments, plans and tasks. If it sounds like a business meeting, it is – the work of your relationship needs it.

* Mini-Dates – Take turns to create one each week – a song and drink, sitting on the front porch or balcony. These are called mini for a reason, a tiny and doable way to get quality time together. I expand on this below.

* Reach Out when Apart – The Wise elders that are the Gottmans have a term, Connection Bids. I find that so many couples don’t speak the same language, so their requests for connection pass each other like ships in the night. This happens too with words of affection or appreciation. More often than not, what gets articulated are our complaints or criticism, not our admiration or compliments. Send a text throughout the day, or a funny instagram reel. It doesn’t have to be big to let your beloved know you are thinking about them.

It’s important to remember that the stages are not linear per se because they live more in a spiral path, and they unfortunately don’t flow in an organized and even rhythm. Some relationships may live in one elemental stage for years. Maybe one of the elements jumped out at you and resonated with you?

If that is true, don’t worry, there is hope for you yet. This is where relationship therapy, couples counselling, retreats, and so many other resources come in. You don’t have to go to therapy to work in your relationship, but all relationships do require some work – elbow grease and all! If it’s not scary, it’s not intimacy – it requires growth and finding an edge so that you move past comfort zone.

We have to nourish the relationship, tend to this rose garden, and it takes work, just like a garden that needs to be tended to, or our own body that needs nutrients.

As a therapist who works with couples, intimacy, pleasure and healthy relationships, i practice what i preach and live by example. My partner is a non-violent communicator by training and we are both dancing with grief and soul work. So we come by this milestone of 25 years together honestly and humbly. We have learned a few things along the way though, and so i wanted to share some key take-aways from us.

1) Communication is the Key Ingredient
I am pretty sure i have said this before here, and yet it always merits being the first thing i suggest to folks. Learn how to communicate so that you are heard, not just being able to say what is on your mind and in your heart. Communication is more than speaking and it requires active listening on both sides, as well as modelling what we need. It is not just what we say but how we say it, and that doesn’t always mean with our words. Our action and non-verbal cues speak volumes.

2) Make Time for Pleasure and Presence
You may be sharing a life together but maybe it has started to look more like managing a business together rather than an intimate life. When was your last date or shared experience of pleasure? I don’t just mean sexual intimacy but also a shared laugh, cry, mutual delight in a road trip or watermelon? And of course, finding what turns you on sexually can start with the senses that make you feel alive in your everyday.

How do you take time to be present with your beloved? This is a good time to think of these Tiny Experiments i mentioned earlier. How do you microdose pleasure so that you can be more present with your partner?

3) Spend Quality Time Together and Alone
Speaking of spending time together, this is when you pull out your shared calendars and intentionally book time off to be together. You can co-create the date or take turns. What matters is that you take to experience joy, pleasure, and tend to that fire that brought you together in the first place. We need to prioritize shared experiences and appreciate each other’s company. When we forget to do that or take it for granted, the work of relationships forgets the point of it – we are on the same team and we love each other.

We also need to spend time apart as well as together. It is healthy in relationships to have some independent interests and hobbies. This is what Carl Jung calls Differentiation – the ability to stay secure about each other’s interests especially when they are not shared.

4) Notice Which Part of You is in the Driver’s Seat
When we learn what our needs and limits are, it helps to stay in what Internal Family Systems calls ‘Self’ energy. When we can hold this energy, we feel connected, calm, curious, compassionate, and clear about our needs and the moment at hand. So often, our Parts get activated by a conflict or potential one, and it is them that are arguing with other people’s Parts. When we start to be mindful and attuned to our personal Back Story, the Parts don’t take the front seat.

The next time you are in a heated discussion with your partner, as yourself if this feels like the familiar shutdown of your teenage self, or a tantrum of your former childhood. These are Parts that carry burdens, fears and agendas for you know. They can be incorporated into you and have a new role and more appropriate agenda. If you want to learn more about how to get to know your Parts and how they show up in intimate relationships, this book is a fabulous resource.

5) Appreciation
We all have basic needs to matter and be valued. This is hardwired into our body, in our nervous system’s social engagement system. Our basic needs of safety, security and being seen as infants evolves into this more rich need to belong, to truly matter and be celebrated. Similar to missed connection bids, our words of affection or appreciation do not always land as they are meant.. More often than not, what gets articulated are our complaints or criticism, not our admiration or compliments.

We need to be seen, and seen in our goodness. Similar to a deficit in nutrients, we may experience a “nourishment barrier” when the care that is being offered to us isn’t felt in our body, whether it is an insufficient amount or an inadequate offering.

Is it hard to receive love and compliments because you have barriers to being nourished? A trauma imprint gets in the way of nourishment because we continue to scan for safety. It becomes a core wound that imbeds in our body, like a parasite that gets in the way of being nourished by love. This may lead to struggles with low self-worth and feeling like you don’t matter or deserve praise. How do you receive compliments? Does it feel awkward to have attention on you that supports you, validates or recognizes you for your amazing work? Do you turn inward, blush or push away the kind words? This type of barrier can be a way we deny ourselves kindness or appreciation because it makes us feel vulnerable and exposed.

I know that these suggestions are bite-size tastes to what you can do if your relationship is stuck in a rut, or in a long Watery Winter season. I can assure you that when you all agree to the work of tending to your relationship garden, you can grow a beautiful perennial rose garden. And if roses aren’t your jam, wildflowers and a plethora of options are available – just stay away from the foxglove (wink).

Speaking of what may be blooming, i have exciting news! My partner and i have been growing together and i’m so grateful that our gardens co-exist and compost together. We have found an inner rose garden to tend together. Inspired by our 25 years together, we are co-creating a workshop for couples who need a bit more support with their relationship garden. If you live in the Toronto area, stay tuned for some delicious and deep offerings this Fall, where we can help you care for your relationship. We will blend traditional couples counselling with non-violent communication, nervous system support, ritual and a microdose of pleasure and play.

Folllowing My Flow: Our Stages and Phases of Life

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I have been dancing with perimenopause for the past few years. Having had my period since i was 9 years old, i assumed i would reach menopause earlier, mainly because i never would have guessed to have my menstrual flow for over 4o years. Forty years. Clearly, this is something i am meant to know intimately, to be an expert in, to embrace even. I am learning that maybe having my moon bleed each month is one of my talents, or something i know intimately well. This year, i have bled twice, when i was convinced it would be my last year, as i am in my 5oth year on Earth.

Each month that i have shed this year so far has been a lesson in patience, surrender, and reflection. This month, i bled unsurprisingly at a women’s festival where i was in the country, on sacred land, with 250 other women. Oh, and i was guiding women through a menopause circle while bleeding.

And it’s a full moon as i write this, while still bleeding. It’s been told that those of us that bleed with a new moon do so because they have something to learn and reflect on. Those of us like me, for many full moons over the years, bleed with the full moon as act of mediumship, shaman work to teach others something.

I think this is the lesson i am gleaning from this recent bleed: What has been lighting me up these last few years is the metaphor and guidance of cyclical living, of the moon phases and seasons that spiral. I think i’m meant to dive deeper into this knowledge to teach others about this connection of the moon phases, our menstrual cycle, the seasons and our own feminine archetypes. It’s all connected.

I love when I can see that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. Whenever I am wavering, I look at the moon or the seasons as a guide. Now in my season of perimenopause, the maps and cycles have given me such guidance, care and reminders. Perimenopause is the beginning of an initiation into elderhood. It is a portal where the veil that hides us from deeper truth is removed.

Marion Woodman coined the term Virgin as the time between Mother and Crone, when women can reclaim being whole onto ourselves. Others call in Mage, Queen, Wild Woman. Whatever the term, i am so here and ready for this archetype. The triple goddess story does not reflect our human existence anymore. We have a whole season between earlier motherhood years and cronedom. This is the space, the liminal, the inbetween. The ages of 40 – 55 are when we typcially go through perimenopause, and we are definitely not early mothers nor are we old yet.

Perimenopause is a hormonal as well as spiritual experience, an awakening and possible transformation. It is a portal as it is an initiatory gateway so that we can hold the opposites of who we are and who we were meant to become. The soul journey is the blueprint for us before the imprint of our life got in the way. We get to course correct even month with our shedding (menstrual time) and when we miss this experience, the luteal stage reveals our biggest truths and wantings. Sure, we have reframed it at “PMS” but it is in fact our deepest truth waiting not so patiently for os to get back on track. When others call is pre-menstrual it’s because our mood and behaviour is confronting a story or need they have at our expense.

We need to remove the veil that has been placed before us, and step into the portal. In the wise words of Jane Hardwicke Collings, this includes rescuing the menopause story from the dungeon of patriarchy. I was so honoured to be in her company when she came to my city recently, to sit together and marinate in her wisdom and impassioned embodiment about all this menstruation.

“In order to reclaim our full selves, to integrate each of these aspects through which we pass over the course of our lives, we must first learn to embrace them though our cycles.” ~ Lucy H. Pearce

When we know more about our bodies, we are empowered. We are strong. We remember.



Embodied Psycho-Spiritual Therapy: Somatic healing and witchcraft

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“Ancient goddess traditions understood what modern somatic therapies now affirm: that pleasure, embodiment, and connecting to the senses are gateways to healing and transcendence.” Dr. Denise Renye

As i deepen into my personal practices of spirituality and somatic healing, I’m noticing more and more how i’m weaving them together. When i once kept the spools of thread very separate, i’m now appreciating how the tapestry is more enriched when all of me is present. In this unfolding i’m dancing with, i’m learning to weave liminal threads and incorporate a more full expression of myself as much as i can. While i will forever remain a feminist therapist, i now also embrace a psycho-spiritual approach to my work as a psychotherapist.

Here’s a little known fact about me – i’m called to the magic of witchcraft. That doesn’t mean you also have to identify as a witch to receive my support. What it does look like is i infuse ritual and holistic practices into my therapy space, as a way to de-colonize my therapy practice and also embrace the ancient wisdom of nature and my own lineage.

Luckily, just as somatic-based therapies have been accepted by the professional mental health world, so too are spiritual practices like meditation, and more transpersonal practices like dream work, depth psychology and rituals. They have always been here, on the margins and hidden in plain sight. Now that more and more folks are rightfully asking for this, we are starting to feel safer in bringing these ancient and healing practices into the therapy room.

There is a rich history from time immemorial of somatic practices as well as witchcraft. I have seen first-hand the healing potential of integrating soul work and body practices. Transformation and (possibly) transmutation can happen only when we truly welcome mind body soul work in what we call psychology or mental health. The term psyche means soul mind after all!

A lot of my sessions begin with a grounding exercise or breath work. I offer this to the people i support as a way to get more fully present in the session, and as a way to become more aware (attuned and interceptive) to their inner experience. This also helps slow down their overwhelm of feelings when they arrive to the session. In my spiritual rituals and sacred gatherings, we also do breathwork and grounding practices when we cast a circle or start a ceremony, for the very same reasons. It helps to shift the energy field, frequency and vibrations and let the everyday hustle and bustle of life stay out of the circle.

Breath work is beneficial as a way to altar consciousness. In Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, this practice is called Dual Awareness. It is used as a tool to release tension and embody relaxation and calm. This allows us to be more present and expand our window of capacity by titrating the feeling that may otherwise get in the way of processing what has happened.

Speaking of breath work, I love Laura Tempest Zakroff’s book The Anatomy of a Witch. She devotes the book to sharing her wisdom of how the body is a part of witchcraft practices. She describes in depth the Witch Body (see the slide on the left) as a way to see how our body is our temple, a tool, and is technical. She also shares how the mind body soul trifecta and the 7 chakras have a similar analogy in The 3 Cauldrons. Based on ancient Celtic roots, this theory sees how the Cauldron of Wisdom is the mind’s capacity to have mental clarity and transform. The Cauldron of Motion is found in the heart and lungs to find balance for our emotions (e-motion!) and create movement – this is where we get to the heart of the matter. Finally, the Cauldron of Warming is in our womb and pelvis, where passion can create new things and birth sovereignty.

I’m sure you have heard of the book The Body Keeps the Score. Van Der Kolk’s work is not new, but a culmination of facts and evidence about how the body has wisdom and can be an alarm bell when something in our present experience is reminding us of a past trauma, harm or danger. When we can see the vagus nerve travelling through our body, connecting body parts together like a serpent, it’s easy to see how magical our body is. The amygdala is a tiny almond shaped alarm bell in the brain that gets activated when reminded of something. We know it does this and so much of the brain is till mysterious. My body has another special alarm. Have you heard of the canary in the coalmine concept? This is when a canary or song bird is placed in a cage deep in the depths of a mine. They sing when they are relaxed and feel safe. When they stop singing, this gives the miners who are working a hint that something dangerous might be imminent. My vagina does this whenever i see someone who gets cut and it’s bloody. My vagina tingles and turns on like an alarm bell out of empathy and wordy. My body is a source of knowing, and for that it is powerful as fuck. Is this just me?

“Ritual is the original therapy. Before diagnoses, before credentials, before “private practice,” there was fire, circle and song.” Holly Truhlar

We can bend time in therapy. While it’s true there may be a focus on our past in the therapy session, it’s not because we think we can go back and change things. We don’t actually want to cause harm and open old wounds. Rather, one of the powerful things we have learned about how the brain can heal trauma is to have reparative or corrective emotional experiences in our present day life. Having a reparative experience in a somatic way is a bit like witchcraft as we are rewiring our neural synapses in our brain to add in a new experience or ending for something that didn’t happen and yet feels like it did. We can’t change what happened to us. We can change our relationship to what happened to us. Neuroception is a form of alchemy and energy field attunement. Our brain can rewire the new neural pathway to create a new ending – what wires together fires together!

Speaking of fire, i love how some therapeutic practices incorporate the elements into the process of healing. One of the reasons i was pulled to Internal Family Systems was the intentional use of air, fire, water and earth as a way to heal and release an old wound or stuck Part. This article offers a beautiful ritual for you to do yourself. Yes, Dick Schwartz was heavily influenced by Carl Jung’s work as well as shamanistic practices. IFS is internal animism or shamanist work, and for good reason – these rituals and ceremonies are the original therapy!

Let’s take a moment and notice how the elements can be a resource: In Air, we can cast a new spell: In my last journal article, i spoke at length about the power of story telling and talk therapy. Speaking our truth out loud is like casting a spell. It lessens the hold it has on our body and can act as an alchemical change. It’s like shedding emotional skin. Air is a form of communication. We gather information by our sense of smell. Our olfactory system is our most ancient sense. With Fire, we can alchemize our anger and keep our inner spark alive. With Earth, we embody our ancestors and also root into this present moment. And with Water, we can find flow and honour our wellspring of feelings. All of these have rituals and practices that can enrich us in our healing.

“Rituals and care practices aren’t just ways to keep our hands busy while we hope time heals all, but they are proactive ways to stabilize and make sense of what just happened.” Carla Fernandez, Renegade Grief: A Guide to the Wild Ride of Life after Loss

Carl Jung shares this: “The main interest of my work is not concerned with the treatment of neuroses but rather with the approach to the numinous. But the fact is that the approach to the numinous is the real therapy, and inasmuch as you attain to the numinous experience you are released from the curse of pathology. Even the very disease takes on a numinous character.” I love this reflection as it lands in my own body as confirmation – we are more than our labels an diagnosis. We are moved by emotion when we hear that first note of a song that always moves us to tears, the glory of a cloudless night sky, being in a forest and that light bubble that dances on my hand. Numinous experiences are the moments of wonder and awe, of the not quite explainable and yet is so real. The reflect the mysteries of life are as present as the tangible, logical brain experiences. The numinous moments are where glimmers, glow moments and expanding our nervous system capacity live. They are what rewire our souls’ blueprint – we are meant for more and we are all one.

In her book, Anatomy of a Witch by Laura Tempest Zakroff shares her term “witchual.” I’m so here for a good pun, and this one really captures the ritual of witch-influenced ritual crafts and pratices. Rituals are a part of a ceremony as a way to deepen into an experience. They enhance our presence and participation in something. This can lead to a sense of agency as a ritual has a purpose and result. This is a big reason why i’m drawn to practical magic like herbal medicine and ritual crafts like how a witch ladder talisman becomes a guide. I also keep a selection of oracle cards at my office, and at times i either begin or end a session with a card pull. A ritual doesn’t have to be lengthy or complicated to be powerful. Having a way to begin and close a session together is a beautiful way to honour the process.

I see a therapy session as a ritual and ceremony. Each session has a clear beginning, middle and end and in the overall work. Sometimes, we start and end with breathwork. Meditation is a big part of how we access our Parts and become more aware of our body’s sensations. Sometimes, someone i support asks to pull an oracle or tarot card or do a specific ritual to honour an ending. Therapy is a way that folks can be witnessed in their growth and transformation. This is also a big goal in ceremonial gatherings – to be witnessed. There is a blend of masculine structure and a trust in the feminine strength of following an organic flow.

Dance and movement are a part of witchcraft practices as well as somatic therapy. I have learned some beautiful ritual dances myself, and have grown up with the magic of dance to help me process my emotions, release my sadness and stress. I find dance, be it ecstatic dance or ballet, 5Rhythms or a group rave to be a conduit for an altered state of consciousness. Dancing helps us access a felt sense of joy and pleasure, and to express ourselves in non-verbal ways. Another benefit of dance as a somatic resource is that it can connect us to our ancestral and cultural roots. As a child, i used to take Serbian traditional dance classes, in a circle with my peers. When i join in circles now, i feel this connection alive in my body, like i’m dancing with the ghosts of my past and former lives. I know some time ago in my lineage, my Babas (grandmothers) worshipped and danced for the Goddess. Again, Zakroff reflects this sentiment well with the following words: “Finding the song of our bones can help us heal past wounds and aid our own work.” Sayings ‘we feel it in our bones’ or ‘it has good bones’ comes from somewhere and is so wise! The human body is truly a vessel for magic. Our breath can inspire something new, our blood is our engine that moves us through life, and our mind can cast spells.

Similar to dance, there is also a connection between the therapeutic resource of psychodrama and witchcraft. For instance, tarot is the card depiction of the fool’s journey. It is a story that steeped in our ancestors’ way of turning to wise guides and elders. Tying in myths, fairy tales and god/goddess stories are a key ingredient in psycho-spiritual therapy. It is the story that matters, not the medium. We are social creatures and can see the relevance of an archetypal story in our own personal plight. This transfers well to how role plays can be a catalyst. When we act out a limiting belief or an alternate ending, our body creates an alchemical metamorphosis.

Witches shapeshift as a way to bend reality and also glean wisdom. It is done intentionally as a way to change an energetic frequency, and can be a way to connect to more-than-human guides. In another way, when feeling threatened or scared, people default to a trusty (albeit faulty) nervous system response of fight/flight/fawn/freeze. It is a type of shapeshifting as way to protect ourself that needs an update so we can instead embody power within. Have you ever felt frozen like a deer in flashlights or like a turtle who falls into your shell? Maybe you want to flee the scene of conflict or scream your truth outloud. That’s a Part who is shapeshifting for you. I think of the powerful book and movie Night Bitch. The main character literally shapeshifted as a way to state shift and create a change in her life. I can’t say more because it will spoil the movie for you!

We can use this chameleon energy intentionally, and with full awareness. For instance, when i want to feel more empowered and strong, i put on the suit of my Inner Warrior. I envision putting on my armour and stand like a Warrior. When i feel the need to buckle down and write this article, i channel my inner Carrie Bradshaw. And, when my kids are being treated unkindly, i know i’m not alone when i want to embody my Inner Mama Bear!

Herbs and holistic care also offer a positive impact on the body. They act as a way to connect to the natural world and remember the ancient wisdom, as well as the truth that we too are a part of the natural world. In this very helpful article, the author shares the following: “In witchcraft, this is often expressed through the use of natural objects such as stones, crystals, and feathers, which are believed to have energetic properties that can be harnessed for healing and transformation.” Similar to pagan and earth-based natural remedies, somatic healing offers such deep guidance and wisdom and guidance. What we now call Ecosomatics is also ancient medicine, practices, and rituals that integrate forest baths, walks, and meditation. While i don’t explicitly use herbs in my therapy practice, i have essential oils on hand as a means to self-soothe. I offer tea and grounding techniques that help folks resource in their own body. As i entrust in people’s autonomy and agency, i also inquire about their own knowledge and practices that may infuse plant medicine, herbs, crystals, and other holistic resources.

Similar to the elements, the use of the senses also offers such support and healing. When we slow down and become attuned to our body’s sensations and become present with the here-and-now, we are also given the gift of being with nature. Humans are nature too and so when we re-inhabit the home that is our body, we are bending time and coming back home to our innate intelligence and knowing. This deepens our self-trust and intuition, and also gives us a felt sense of belonging – to ourselves. When we blend these practices into our life, they can heal more than ourselves. Our ancestral wounds and legacy burdens get tended to, our bodies become more connected to our mind, and our soul’s journey becomes more present so that we can become our truest self.

Storytelling as Medicine

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We are in the season of Spring where i live, which is represented by the element of Air. This is the time of new beginnings, the fresh air of change, the rebirth and the sunrise as a new dawn. Air is connected to the suit of swords in Tarot, which are all about action, ambition, courage and change. Air is also magical for the speaker and listener. We use our words, and repeat them into the air by casting a spell with our words. When we speak out loud what we want, we are in fact speaking our truth more assertively and intentionally.

Storytelling is one of the oldest and most universal forms of community-building. We are not meant to tell stories alone, they are meant to be shared. And, since we are social creatures, we heal in healthy relationships. I view storytelling as a resource for healing, growth and transformation. Integration and acceptance of a new life transition or realization cannot truly happen without being witnessed and companioned through it. Stories are meant to be shared with listeners who hold space for the story and teller, both. This form of holding space ultimately becomes a catalyst to be more fully actualized as ourselves.

Here are some ways that i have found being a story listener to be a central piece in how i work and hold space as a psychotherapist. As a psychotherapist who works from a feminist, narrative framework, story-telling and listening, as well as holding space is a big part of the alchemy that happens in my therapy sessions. Feminist Narrative Therapy is a post-modern modality of therapy that is based in a deeper connection to the subjective meaning that is typically lost in everyday conversations.

Talk therapy gets a bad wrap and yet I’ve noticed that it is through speaking out loud that we get the opportunity of integration that helps our cognitive parts understand the information we receive from our body. We need to talk in order to process the work of everyday life. It is a balance of both/and of talking and doing. We offer this integration after major trips and pilgrimages, or a psychedelic immersion. Birth story processing is a key resource to help folks heal from birth trauma. Sometimes the experience is quiet reflection alone, or in a journal, but it is typically recapping or debriefing the story that unfolded regardless.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ~ Maya Angelou

I used to work as a front-line crisis counsellor for folks who experienced gender-based violence. One of the strongest messages in the gender-based violence sector is that ‘your silence will not protect you.’ These powerful words by Audre Lorde are a direct proclamation of the power of healing that can happen when we share the truth of our lives. We also now know that we do not need to in fact go over our past traumas in chronologically story-book form in order to heal them. This is not how healing works, and yet when a person wants to be witnessed in their resilience and strength, that is also a powerfully catalyst to get to heal. One of the programs that i was most honoured to organize was an annual gathering for the people we supported. We would spend the day together, in workshops and intentionally sharing stories of healing and resilience. One of the stages of Post-Traumatic Growth is to share our story as a way to heal, and to also be an inspiration for others.

Stories help heal shame, as it is in the shared experience and common humanity that we offer a balm to shame, which would otherwise thrive in isolation. I have found this especially empowering for the people i support who may carry limiting beliefs about themselves, their bodies, or how they gave birth, or the break-up or break-down they experienced.

Some stories do not have to be real to be impactful. They jut need to be relatable in some way.

Archetype stories have become a special kind of steward for me, in so many ways – when i became an adult, a mother, and also in the years since becoming motherless. Now, as i surrender to perimenopause i am once again reading the feminine-based archetypal stories that feature wise women, medicine women, wild women, hags and crones. Myths and fairy/folk tales offer a universal truth for all of us, as well as a map that is possible for us. Any one of us can read the story and glean something that is familiar in it that reflects our own lived reality. This is comforting and affirming.

Marion Woodman was a great advocate for archetypal stories. In her book The Maiden King she shares this: “Our bodies love metaphors because they join our bodies to our soul rather than abandoning them to a soulless state. The ancient alchemists called this body soul state “the subtle body”. They believed that the deeper we go into the subtle body, the greater the soul treasures it contains.” I would take this point a step further and connect it to how stories in general are a way to deepen our relationship with our soul. If you have ever been in my therapy room with me, you will know that i love to share a good story as a metaphor as a way to explain a theory or experience.

Just as we are not meant to be alone with a story to tell, so too are we not meant to be alone in our grief. Transformation can happen for grievers when they are able to share these stories with someone who holds space for them, and both welcomes and encourages the stories to flow. This is done through the power of storytelling.

When my mom died, something that i found so kind and generous was when people in my life asked me to talk about her, to share her stories, to honour her legacy. In my own therapy practice, i offer grief work and tending to the broken hearts of someone who has experienced loss. I see how transformative this dedicated time is in the healing journey. It is through the process of being seen and heard that anyone who is grieving a loss can feel more held and less alone. Incorporating narrative in this stage is a helpful way to establish a more full sense of self.

Taking this a step further, when people are given an audience that is both compassionate and attuned, links can be made to the story and to their own life. For instance, I have found solace in cleaning out my mother’s things. Being able to share the experience of cleaning out my mother’s belongings is a universally understood rite of passage. We are not meant to do it alone, even if the act itself is a solitary process. Friends who asked me more than the standard “how are you?” received a more full and true account of my learnings and discoveries.

“Stories can be helpful tools for surviving hardship and navigating complexity. That is, when we craft them as sturdy boats, built to our dimensions and desires. But many stories are bigger than our single lives and desires. Many stories are invisible: so big, so culturally ingrained, that we are blind to the ways in which they drive and constrain our lives.” The Body is a Doorway, Sophie Strand

Not only was my grief more held, it was in the telling of the stories that i was able to come alive amidst my mourning. I was also able to truly express what i was going through, in detail. This invitation offered depth and spaciousness for me to debrief, unpack, and process what i was encountering in my grief.

No one is fully prepared for the time that their mother dies, no matter how expected it is, nor if the griever is a therapist herself, well-versed in holding space in grief counselling. I had to find the right balance between my personal grief process and my role as a psychotherapist who is well-versed in the healing balm of storytelling.

Where does the listener turn when she needs to be held and companioned through her own loss?

As we see in Rites of Passage theory, it is necessary to be witnessed in the transition from one version of us to a new sense of self. This is in fact, a way that we can move through the process of a rite of passage such as mother loss. Being witnessed in this transition is what can deepen the healing process, and in fact get to a more transformed and integrated sense of self.

In these dark and painful times, i’m turning to fantasy novels as support, solace, and sisterhood. For instance, in Starhawk’s novel Walking to Mercury, she shares that the healing that happens from ritual isn’t necessarily the trance work, drumming, dancing or singing that helps. “What healed was simply the opening to speak their pain and have it heard.”

I am working on ways to decolonize my therapy practice and life in general. In Dr. Jen Mullan’s book, Decolonizing Therapy, she shares powerful insights and guidance on how to shift from a western capitalist model to one that is more holistic and person-centred. As i deepen into my own process, i am reclaiming trust in my ability to bring in more a psychospiritual lens. While therapy is not inherently a ritual, we can infuse ritual into our work together. ((Stay tuned to my next journal article where i share some of the ways i do just that.)) ETA: Immediately after i posted this, i saw someone i deeply admire also share that “ritual is the original therapy.” One of the most beautiful experiences to witness is the shift folks experience when they sit in session and have someone who holds unconditional regard, a compassionate and non-judgemental stance, and also undivided attention for their story. This is what we call relational alchemy. The ultimate gift is witnessing someone transform and i am given the opportunity to experience vicarious resilience.

I see my therapy practice more and more like a ceremony. It is not mere work, transactional at best or hurtful at worst. Having a “career” is capitalist after all (thank-you Dra. Rocio for this reframe). Sitting together and sharing breath in the same room is a ceremony webbing the invisible golden thread of co-regulation, attunement and medicine between us, through us, and around us. Therapy is a prayer. It doesn’t have to be with another person; it is a catalysing moment that deepens our healing and transforms it. It just needs words spoken in some way to create that shift.

“The truth is, in order to heal we need to tell our stories and have them witnessed…the story itself becomes a vessel that holds us up, that sustains, that allows us to order our jumbled experiences into meaning. As i told my stories of fear, awakening, struggle, and transformation and had them received, heard, and validated by other women, I found healing. I also needed to hear other women’s stories in order to see and embrace my own. Sometimes another woman’s story becomes a mirror that shows me a self that i haven’t seen before. When I listen to her tell it, her experience quickens and clarifies my own. Her questions rouse mine. Her conflicts illuminate my conflicts. Her resolutions call forth my hope. Her strengths summon my strengths. All of this can happen even when our stories and our lives are very different.” ~ Sue Monk Kidd, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter

Healing requires recovery, and it is a life-long journey to heal. Not because we are incapable of doing it better. Rather, new experiences can activate what felt healed in the past and is now being brought back up to the surface, but in a new way. For instance, maybe as a child you were not listened to. Maybe you were never asked to share your dreams or hopes, or what imaginative stories were. Growing up, we then internalise the story literally – that what we have to share is not worthy to be heard by others. The story isn’t the only thing that can be silenced – our dreams and self-worth also are threatened to die inside us.

Therapy can be an alchemizing experience where clients are reborn, birthing their healed self from the embers of a former life. Therapists are the doulas who support their clients in this transition of becoming. When we share how we are feeling or what we need, we are being authentic to ourselves. This level of witnessing or experience and listening with attention also lets us know that we exist and we matter. When we stop speaking up for our feelings and needs, we suffer a level of self-abandonment, and also possibly a true death.

I know this might seem dramatic. And yet I sit with this truth that my mom died because of complications of undiagnosed ovarian cancer. The story she was sharing for so long was that her stomach hurt. I know that this was a complaint, and I also know that no one really took it seriously, including myself. If only someone had listened sooner, I know things would’ve been different.

“During both painful and joyful moments, we can often recall the things that kept us going — the people who mirrored our own goodness to us — the words shared that reminded us of what could be, what could become, what was possible.” Lisa Olivera, in a newsletter

As a feminist therapist, one of our principles is to self-disclose from our lived experience. We don’t share where the wounds are still raw, but where the scars have healed over. Sharing stories can also be so affirming, empowering and inspiring for the folks that I give this medicine to. This shared humanity experience can further fuel their own motivation. Knowledge is Power and sharing resources is also a Feminist principle.

Another aspect of the therapeutic container is that the therapist becomes an active listener to someone’s story, with undivided attention and a very present attention. This then becomes a Reparative Experience – we are given the healing balm of being heard and listened to, and not carrying the fear of being too much, as we possibly once believed. So many of us, especially women, mothers, and life-long care providers are starving for the attention to be seen and heard as well. This may be a band-aid to a larger problem, the mental health and therapy industrial complex exists as an imperfect solution to a lack of strong community and connection. And yet, as we can practice repair work, earning secure attachment, and healing relational wounds in the therapy space, for now this is a solution that works.

The therapeutic relationship offers more than psychoeducation and passive listening. It also is a space for tender acts of affection, and vulnerability by wearing our hearts on our lab coat sleeves now and then. A compassionate witness and true space holder listens with reverence. Having a place to reflect and unpack can be alchemical.

At least for me, it is more than just a couch and a quiet nod. I get right into your story, and get comfy in my chair or on the floor right beside you.

Sweet (Inner) Child of Mine

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Earlier this month, a poem went viral. At least it did on my Instagram feed. Maybe you saw it too? I loved it for its simplicity and also for its depth in reminding us that we can always make time for our younger selves.

In fact, for one of my 28 Days of Self-Love prompts, i did a version of it instead of writing from my future self as per the suggestion. I love writing, and especially poetry. Poetry is what literally got me through my darkest days in my youth, and it is still something that i turn to again and again, for solace and support.

The Brunch Date
I had coffee with my younger Self today
We were both early and sat with our backs to the wall
She had a cappuccino with soy milk
I had an americano.
We talked about her biggest dreams
I let her know they had come to life
She was amazed to learn that this could be true

And i told her to be patient
To stay on the path of her own life
To choose herself again and again

She had a short pixie cut and wore low cut jeans
And was a bit surprised by my long wavy hair
My red lipstick and flowy dress
She asked if i still listen to Mazzy Star and Depeche Mode
I reassured her that they will always be my first love
I have found my voice and kinship in women’s circles
I let her know that dancing is still my best medicine
And i have found my way back to the Goddess
I thank her for buying my first oracle deck
I give her the news that I’m partnered in a wonderful marriage and
Have two kids of my own

She asks me what my secret is that i found this life
I tell her i did the work to break the cycle
I stared my shadow parts in the face
And i embraced them

I saw her for who she is
In her fullness
Knowing that is all she ever wanted

I walk her to her bike as she makes her way to work at the shelter
We hug and i sneak a glass bottle of rose oil
In her basket to remind her that she is magic
~ vania sukola

Speaking of spending time with your former self, I saw My Old Ass recently. It was such a lovely movie with some sweet surprise twists. I won’t ruin it for you but let’s just say that i love how it addressed anticipatory grief, how to be present with your life right now, and not take it for granted. And remember, my word of the Year is Presence and i definitely noticed this message. One of the lessons in the movie was to carve out intentional time together, to not take this precious time for granted. This also allows for space to have the real talks.

I’m taking this lesson to heart now that my kids are teenagers. They are the age i was when i really started to want to have my own voice and autonomy, and also to be seen for who i was. And yet, i also still needed guidance and information. This is what Gabor Mate talks about – we all need Authenticity and Attachment. I am noticing now that my teenagers are making new friends and decisions, it’s time for me to upgrade my skills and understanding as a teenage mom. Some of the things i never got to experience are getting in the way.

Take the topic of dating for instance. My daughter has told me that she wants to go on dates with her crush. This is something i so desperately and needed to talk about my own mother and yet i couldn’t.

I am still finding this new terrain challenging. It sure looked familiar on the onset, especially as i used to be a youth shelter worker. I think i forgot along the way just how old i am. I took the compliments from my kids’ friends in stride: Did you know that my house is ‘house goals’ and also that i’m a ‘vibe?’ I also like to think of myself as a mom others will want to come to for the big step, to be their village auntie.

And yet, now i’m sitting with some big parent decisions – how to navigate dating, gender identity, next steps in life and catching my kids in their lies and goodness. A part of me sure misses the ease of two-year old tantrums over snowpants or steamed broccoli. I really identified with being a School-Age Mom.

All of this has brought me back to my own childhood and the mother i wanted to be. That meant seeing the one i had and also grieving the one i needed, not the one i had.

Last year, Glennon Doyle posted about her work with her own inner child. She wrote about her little kid self using four categories: her likes and dislikes, what her main needs were and what i would tell her now. I thought I might do the same here today, to introduce you to this powerful exercise, as a way to acknowledge your own Inner Child Part, and perhaps receive a healing reparative experience as well.

Meet Lil V
Her Likes: Strawberry Shortcake dolls, unicorns and mermaids, ballet classes and pointe shoes, Goonies, reading , swimming in the ocean, Punky Brewster, New Edition, hiding in the lilac bush, parties in the Florida room, writing in her journal, playing in the nearby creek with friends, making friendship bracelets
Her dislikes: yelling voices, angry eyes, bracing for bad moods, being told that her anger is not allowed, not having a say in what she wore, eating meat

Her Main Needs: time alone, openness (in schedules, spaces, hearts, minds), soft fabrics, cuddles, ambient lighting, artistic ways to express herself and her truth, to be seen, heard, met, understood, and empowered, to have her feelings matter, to dance and listen to music she loves

What I Tell her Now: You matter. I’m so glad you’re alive. I see you for your fullness. I hear you and your brilliant soul. I love all of you. I’ve got you. I’ve got it from here. Whenever you need this reassurance, let’s have a date with cocoa and collage. We can cut our favourite pictures while we chat and catch up.

I have some to some realizations lately, as i heal my Parentified Child Part. I became a therapist because i was my mom’s when i was a child and throughout my teen years, albeit a shitty and unqualified one. For years, i thought that my core wound from childhood manifested into being a People Pleaser. I think that was a Part’s way to handle things but my wound was in fact worthiness – i made myself small and struggled with speaking in groups because i learned i didn’t have anything worth while to contribute, that my own feelings and thoughts didn’t matter.

That has been my healing over these past few years.

Inner child work can be the balm my tender heart needs in order to show up in the present (wow, i didn’t even do that on purpose) and also hold space for all of my own Parts. For me, that can be having a hot cacao and calling in the energy of Lil V, writing a poem or reading a favourite one, or it can be listening to Mazzy Star or re-reading a favourite book from my teen years. It is also speaking to my younger Parts with love and reverence, and letting them know i see them, they matter, and i have a plan. Maybe you feel called to do some writing as well. If so, this old journal article that i wrote many moons ago, may be a great guide – it offers steps to be with your Inner Child and write a letter to them.

It also means reading about adolescence and updating my skills and knowledge. This is a corrective experience for me as my own parents didn’t do this work, partly because the abundance of books didn’t exist back then. Luckily for us, they do now. There are so many books, podcasts, and resources that can be a guide for us as parents. Some of the books that i have found to be mentoring along this new path are How to Hold onto your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate, Jessie Harrold’s book Mothershift, and i’m about to reach <em>Untangled by Lisa Damour.

We repeat what does not get repaired so spending time with our younger selves offers a reparative experience for them. It also helps me hold space for the versions of me that did not get what they wanted, without also getting in the way of what my kids need now. My children are not me, so what they need may not be the same.