Author Archives: Vania

Let That Good Feeling Linger

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Sunflowers are my absolute favourite flower – they are strong yet fragile, bend to the sun, and keep facing upwards. I also love their cheery colour and reminder of hot summer days. I went with my family recently to a sunflower farm, where we were about to walk among hundreds and hundreds of rows of them. I took in the felt sense of this experience and it lingers in my body in a happy way (kind of like that smiling flower in the photo here). I’ve been practicing this a lot lately.

Since summer break is coming to a close this week (for many of us it feels like the end of summer as a whole), I want to share this experience with you as it may come in handy when you need to hold on to the good feelings in your body.

It was my anniversary this summer and my partner and I were able to have an extra long date. While it happened over the course of a seven-day long therapy training for me, we were still able to stay present in the date. It might be because I am immersing myself in somatic-based therapy work but we were able to put our good feelings from the date in an imaginary jar.

We love bike riding in the city, both with our kids but definitely without them as well. After a delicious meal at one of our favourite places, we took a long bike ride along the harborfront. It’s such a gift that the city I live in has a great lake connected to it. As an ocean lover, i know that it may not be an ocean persay, but a Great Lake is a close second. As a water loving person, I know I never spend enough time in its presence. So, we decided to bike along a new path that is right beside the lake. It just opened recently – that itself was such a nice gift as we may not have done it with our children.

I was able to use the bike ride as a way to share with my partner more about Sensorimotor Psychotherapy (SP) and how it works. There are 5 core organizers that are the main base of how SP therapy helps connect the body to the mind both in healing trauma but also in everyday mindfulness. It’s a great way to help good feelings linger in an intentional way, like an imaginary jar of a good date you want to hold on to.

The 5 core organizers are body sensation, five senses, movement, emotion, and cognition, and in that order. So on our date, we decided to blend all of them and this is what we came up with:

1) Body Sensation: My body felt like a warm glow in my heart and my core, and a freedom in my shoulders that experienced the wind
2) The Five Senses: The feel of air touching my arms, the smell of the lake, the beautiful skyline of the city, the sounds of life around us, the taste lingering from my delicious dinner
3) Movement: We brought awareness to our legs pedalling both up hills and around us. It was an incredibly hot day so we also noticed how the pedalling felt with our warm bodies
4) Emotion: I carry with me now such a deep sense of love and happiness both for that experience, to share with my partner, and to be with my partner in that moment
5) Cognition: I acknowledged how grateful I was that we had that time together, and shared this talk with him so that we could hold onto it together

Now when life gets in the way, and we are getting stuck in the grind of everyday life, all i need to do is to recall this date and my body will respond. I will embody the memory and not just think about it. When I’m forgetting a detail, all i need to do is to recall the smell of the lake, or the body sensation in my core. As i bike daily, i get a quick hint of the memory whenever i feel the breeze on me or grip my handlebars. I don’t need to recall a big part of the story, but rather a single moment and my body and mind are united in recalling the happy moment. It’s a lovely way to practice more intentional felt sense of positive moments – we are so prone to minimize them and rush through them. It’s like I’m peering into that jar of happy memories or giving myself a warm hug by recalling this night.

As summer is coming to a close, you can try this tool. What memory from these last 2 months do you want to cherish and hold on to?

How to Live a Balanced Life

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It’s butterfly season right now, and this summer brings a happy supply of them where i live. As they are an anchor for me, I’ve been working on creating a tool with the butterfly as the inspiration. I love the quote from Rupi Kaur that reminds us that ‘growth is a process that takes time’. Indeed, strength is necessary for a caterpillar to become a chrysalis and then to transform and push out of cocoon. The metamorphosis of the butterfly is the perfect display of the rite of passage we all go through.

Some of us go through it more gracefully or intentionally, while many of us struggle as we did not have the best models of this sea change.

As a therapist, i am also a work in progress. I am my own wellness or resilience coach – I work hard to create my version of a balanced life by making a point to bring joy in, taking care of myself, as well as keeping myself connected to others. After reflecting on my own journey, i noticed an intuitive path that i took. With this in mind, i created this worksheet as a guide to help you.

I love Wheel of Life tools that highlight the various parts of us. The wheel is similar to the 6 Dimensions of Health Wellness: emotional, occupational, physical, social, intellectual, and spiritual. It was created to help people see the need for balance in this various realms. Reading this list, can you notice where you might need to make some changes? Did anything surprise you?

In order to build our capacity when we’re faced with challenges, we also need to appreciate wonder and awe, moments of pleasure and joy. That’s hard to do if you can’t know what gives us this sense of pleasure.

The resource I created is similar to the wheel, and a bit unique as it breaks down the parts into the holistic trifecta of Mind, Body and Soul (sometimes referred to Spirit).

I believe this balance is even more sacred now. I don’t think of the pillars of wellness as separate parts of our Self, but all 3 are interconnected for our overall well-being. We can’t have one without the others. As social creatures, our nervous system has a social engagement system that also needs community and connection. That’s why I included ways to feel connected to others. Even when apart, we need community.


Think of these butterfly parts as a way to create more balance in your own life. Each part is integral to living well. So, the Antenna symbolizes the Soul; the Head is the Mind and mental health realm, and of course the Body represents the physical self-care we need to stay well. The 4 wings around it are for family, friends, work, and community. I call it The Four Wings of Connection. Add what you do that nourishes each part, and what you wish to add in order to create more balance. See what comes up, what’s missing, and what you’d like to add moving forward. We are our own experts, so get to navigate the way we live our life – what do you chose? Use the butterflies you see in nature as a guide – take time to slow down and linger in one place.

what the caterpillar saw as the end, the rest of the world saw as the beginning. lao tzu

This season is a perfect time to set some intentions – both for the rest of the year, and to honour your experience this past year. It also serves as a guide to help you live your life with more intention, a life that you love.

I’ve created a free 2-page PDF that you can print and work on yourself, Get a cup of tea, a nice pen and take some time to sit with this. Click here to get a copy.

The Makings of a Good Therapist

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I love what I do. It may sound strange to think that I enjoy listening to people share their hard feelings, but what I also see is their healing process and transformation. I’m not so vain to think i made a difference, but rather I was there to bear witness to their own change. Going to therapy is still a taboo topic, as we have not accepted mental health needs support like any other forms of health does.There has been a lot of movement towards accepting therapy, both for people to go to someone for help, as well as a bigger societal shift in accepting that a therapist can help someone feel better, just like a dentist, doctor, or nutritionist can. Instagram has an amazing selection of therapists who use that tool as a way of sharing resources for free. While it’s not therapy persay, it is a great starting point for me. It’s a bit like feelings porn for me too. Have you seen this fabulous account, for instance?

I have a love-hate relationship with how therapists are depicted in pop culture. It’s no wonder people have misgivings about coming to see a stranger and unload secret feelings. Naomi Watts’ character on her show Gypsy (the name itself is problematic) really made me cringe. Anne in Working Moms is another example (though I love her new office). Gabriel Byrne’s character on In Treatment, or Toni Collette in Wanderlust, and more recently the therapist in Big Little Lies gives me hope that we are moving towards more positive portrayals. It helps to lessen the stigma – therapy is not just for extreme mental health needs after all.

While watching the second season of Big Little Lies recently (and no, that therapist is not perfect either), i brought me pause to think about what i think makes for a good therapist. Here’s my short working list.

I will bear witness to your process. I have had clients come to me and say point blank that they want me to ‘fix them.’ I so wish that was possible, but it truly doesn’t work that way. I don’t have a magic wand to do that sort of trick, and more importantly, therapy is not for someone else to fix you but rather you must do this work yourself. It is truly our own work that helps us heal.

I know that I hold a lot of power in my role as a therapist. As a feminist therapist, i make that awareness explicit in our work together. I also play a role in displaying a healthy relationship with the people I support. As an attachment-based therapist, I see how unhealthy relationships have been a great cause of suffering. While it’s important to me to build a trusting and respectful relationship with the people I support, I am not their friend. I do think that therapy works best when there is a reciprocal relationship (relational). One big difference between talking to your best friend about a problem and coming to me is that I am not just a positive cheerleader, but someone who will challenge you if you are wrong and also provide you options, not just agree with you. I am like an accountability partner to help you stay on your task and commitment to yourself.

Some of my favourite words as a therapist are vulnerability, feelingful, courage, curious, compassion, resilience, and reflection. I have a toolkit of resources, tools, worksheets, and exercises to guide you in this process. Therapy is goal-based and an opportunity to establish tools and resources, work on the painful memories, and integrating them into your everyday life now. The ultimate goal for therapy is that it helps you live the life you love so that you no longer need to come to therapy.

As a therapist I am a vault that holds your secrets. Therapy won’t work if you can’t trust that person with your deepest feelings, so much so that you don’t feel safe in sharing them. Building this relationship plays a key role in how therapy works best. It’s also hard for me to say goodbye when therapy is ending, and yet I know that the goal of therapy is to have it be short-term with a clearly structured beginning, middle and end. I get ghosted as a therapist and while I know that the relationship is not about me (and I yield a lot of power), it is still a feeling-based relationship that is built on compassion.

With the new Controlled Act of Psychotherapy in Ontario, changes are being made to what therapy looks like. For instance, some people seek counselling as a way to help them with some life goals on wellness, having a better life and get back on track. A life coach also does similar work on wellness work but their focus is more on helping you live your optimum self. Psychotherapy is a deeper dive to help someone who is struggling with something that leads to feeling stuck, and is based on a diagnosable mental health issue (like postpartum depression or post-traumatic stress from the impact of childhood abuse). I am not a life coach, but my work can straddle any of these three areas.

A good therapist, like anyone, sees the value of continuous professional development. I am always learning and am a better therapist because of this. Even seasoned therapists of over 30 years need to keep learning about modalities that are evidence-based and validly researched. I also believe that a good therapist does not only use one modality as each person is their own expert and one size does NOT fit all.

I make people cry for a living. That means, while I follow your lead and have no agenda for my own, sometimes there is no emotional by-passing in therapy like there may be in everyday life. I will validate your experience and feelings, and hold space for you in a less biased way. My whole body is my instrument, especially as I use somatic-based therapies and mindfulness in my work. Going to supervision, therapy and peer consultation is a necessity, if not a requirement. I also practice what I preach as self-care is imperative so that I don’t burn-out or feel compassion fatigue. So don’t worry about me – I am a container that regularly gets my tune-up.

If you’d like to work with me, to live the life you love, contact me here. I’d be honoured to be that vault for you.

Summer Time Joys

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In my last blog post, I shared how I had some mixed feelings about summer. It’s still a bit early to tell, but I am noticing how aware I am of the intentions I set out for myself and my family. This is helping me stay on task. Let me explain.

We start each summer break off with time away at a family cottage. I know that my privilege allows me access to this. I am so grateful for the opportunity to get out of the city, my work life, and keep things simple. It really can help me find the balance I need to get back on track. That doesn’t mean my kids are perfect, and there are no dishes to do – it’s got its own share of work and the kids still fight no matter the scene. The biggest argument my kids had with each other was who got the ‘better’ swing. Of course, both swings are the same but it’s like they have to fight for something. For the most part though, they played together, were in tune, and we all were attuned to each other.

We played board games, ate ice cream, swam in the freezing cold lake, read books, and slept well. Even our meals were simpler and we saw no one else for a few days at a time. At the end of the week, we were ready to come back to our real world so we shared our intentions for the summer.

This is something we do each year, but I changed it a bit this year as my children are getting older and have more agency in their goals. We added 3 areas to work on over the summer – something they want to do for fun, something they want to work on as a summer project, and a way to be a better citizen. While my kids’ answers weren’t exactly as I would have chosen, it is truly them to the core. For instance, my daughter decided to work on not picking nature and bringing it home (i.e. bugs, pulling flowers, rocks and more rocks) and my son wants to work on not swearing. I would have loved for them to work on eating better meals and not picking on each other. Good thing i made them my goals. Wink.

It also reminded me of my Word of the Year. I have one each year, and it’s moments like this that helps me steer back on track. I also appreciate the intention around breaking the year up into seasons, and having more short-term or specific goals with that. For instance, as my word of the year this year is Balance, i can think of ways to dig deeper during Spring (refreshing ways to give me balance with work and down time), Summer (moments of joy), Fall (things I can do to nurture myself that gives me nourishing balance) and Winter (ways i can be restful and cozy) so that I can ultimately get that balance i was working on all year.

As it’s summer, I can look at my goals to find JOY and bring in more pleasure to balance the fact that there is still a lot of work to do – both with my role as a therapist, as a mom, as a homeowner, as a gardener, and more. We set the intentions on the July New Moon, and put together our list of 20 things to do as a family this summer that bring us joy. This year that includes things like:

– Family bike ride to the lake
– Make and eat ice cream
– Sleepovers
– Camping
– Go-karting
– Climb trees
– Make movie with cousins
– Eat fresh fruit and veggies from our garden and local farmer’s markets
– Reading in backyard
– Regular visits to public pools
– Getting ready to being home alone (for my 10 yr old)
– S’mores and backyard fires
– Evening drinks in the backyard
– Playdates with friends
– Star gazing
– Paddle boarding alone
– Watch Lord of the Rings 2
– Cherry pit or watermelon seed spitting contest
– Create a summer song playlist
– Sell our homemade comic books

While we haven’t figured out how to stop the cat and dog fight, nor my own fight response to their conflict, i know that we can work on it as we are also having a joy-filled summer. And we created it ourselves. Call it an artisanal bespoke summer if you will.

My Own Cat and Dog Fight

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It’s end of the school year, and while my logical brain is organized with the summer plans, another part of me is a bit more hesitant to start summer break. I’m talking about my somatic side, the ever-knowing inner body language that holds a more quiet space for me. I’m a bit worried for summer this year.

I love summer – the farmer’s markets, the sun, the outdoor swimming, the warm evenings, the freezies. Summer dresses and sandals are my perfect outfit of choice, and i love summer evening bike rides with my love.

Now, as a mom to two school-age children, summer also includes regular sibling arguments, sand in their shoes and on my floor, popsicle stains on their faces and t-shirts, epic meltdowns after a day at outdoor camp, and time mostly with just the 4 of us. Day in and day out.

I’m a bit worried about how much the sibling conflicts will get in the way of summer fun. Even as I coach my children to see that the ‘worst day ever’ was just one part bad + other parts okay, we hold the anger and resentment in our bodies for a bit too long. My daughter bounces back much more quickly, and she is ready to move on, though not with an apology at her end. My son needs more time alone to get back to his window of tolerance, and then he sees where he made mistakes so apologies.

After a recent argument about which bike route to take, and my kids using their bikes as weapons to hurt each other, I reflected on how it all came to a head so quickly. And then I saw it: My son’s conflict instinct is to Fight /island /attack and my daughter’s is to Fawn/wave/pursue. In therapist language, my children have outright presented me with their conflict cycles and attachment style. As a therapist, I know how to support couples with this, so when i saw this dynamic in front of my own eyes, it was a light bulb moment.

My son’s sense of justice is so strong that he has a hard time seeing how his reaction can exacerbate conflict. It’s a beautiful thing to witness him wanting to hold the line around rules, order, and safety. And yet, that can mean other people have a hard time being heard by him. My daughter’s constant chatter and social butterfly-ism means she does not allow space for others to be heard. They are my own life size perpetual cat and dog fight.

So, this summer’s plan is still filled with pool trips, strawberry picking, camping, and reading. It will also contain some work on coaching my kids to help them with their relationship. For better or worse.

Wish me luck!