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My Inner Dragon is Growing Up: Learning How to Not Abandon Myself

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Recently, i was involved in a small conflict with someone at work. As a sole entrepreneur, this doesn’t happen a lot these days. In fact, this doesn’t happen in my life in general. It highlighted for me that even though i may be a therapist who specializes in healthy relationships, boundary work, and communication skills, i am also a work-in-progress. I am not exempt from conflict or making a mistake.

This incident was medicine for me as it really helped me take stock of how far i have come, and the work that is yet to be tended to. In some ways, starting the year off with this is a great reinforcement of my commitment to my Word of the Year: Embrace.

I need to embrace that conflict is a natural aspect of being human because we will be faced with people who have competing ways of tending to their needs. This is a reminder to all of us that anger and conflict are not inherently bad, rather it’s how we respond to it that matters.

I won’t go into the depths of what happened here. Rather, what stood out for me was how i handled myself and what i gleaned from the person who had a competing need.

To start, i was able to reflect on how i have evolved in my personal relationship with conflict. I grew up in a home where my needs were not heard, and i felt that they didn’t matter. Having a voice and opinion was something that took many years to grow. I, like most people, am conflict avoidant most of the time. I am not averse to it because when i am able to notice my needs, i can get into the messiness and still address what it is i need, even if it is flawed.

It’s one thing to know that you have needs and that they matter. What is also necessary to be the steward of said needs is to have skills to handle conflict or competing needs that will inevitably happen.

I did not grow up with the best models of conflict resolution skills. In fact, i felt afraid by my parents’ anger and difficulty to tend to their own emotions. I learned that walking on eggshells was not just a practice but a survival skill and it has taken me years to evolve from that trauma response. With that in mind, i have had to do a lot of work to heal from my childhood as well as update my skillset around conflict. It can be hard to not regress when we are with our families of origin, especially when the work is not reciprocated. So, when my dad’s default of attack and then withdraw tactics get activated, i have to work hard to stay grounded. I have to hold two truths – that his childhood context will always be in the room with us, and i know how to take care of myself now.

A good place to start when you are wanting to evolve your relationship with conflict is to remember that it is tethered to how often we are up against wounded Parts, not necessarily our best Self. Conflict happens when protectors come online inside us, and we are in conflict with flawed yet well-intentioned Parts of other people. Our parts are in the conflict – not our most evolved Selves.

Because i did not feel safe with my needs or standing up for myself, a Part of me used to come online whenever i was in conflict. She was my Inner People Pleaser. She later grew up to be sassy and a bit of a dragon because i so desperately wanted to stand up for myself. But what i lacked was the skills to stay rooted and assertive – i became passive aggressive instead. I knew i didn’t want this but it was a way to not stay stuck – my new-found Inner Warrior was also not wise enough to notice the impact i had on others.

Working on this really helped me be mindful of how experiencing conflict felt in my body – i got hot in my core as well as wanted to bow my head down, or be deferential. I would have shallow breaths that inhibited my ability to say something – to speak up. My whole body got in my own way in fact. Through somatic healing work, i was able to attune to this and have more clear mindfulness when this response showed up in me.

We are all works-in-progress as humans: We are supposed to be. One thing i have learned is what i need to stay present during a conflict. I’ve noticed that having steps and a path is really helpful for me because it acts as a guide and keeps me grounded as well as attuned. Here is what i have come up with: 1)Notice your Reaction in your body 2)Take stock of what you need 3)Ask yourself if it is worth addressing – what is at stake? 4)Reflect to stay Present – is this old or new? 5)Resource with skills and self-soothing to help stay grounded and 6)Use I-statements so you can be objective and not reactionary. What these steps do is help me slow down – and not reactive but rather respond with a mindful awareness. I have been catching myself do this more and more when with others, and it need not take more than a few minutes – we DO have time to to do this, i promise you.

It is also important after a conflict occurs to process what happened and your role in. Remember, it take two to tango so there will also be something you did that contributed. The lesson is to learn from your contribution, even it is unintentional – to make you a better human. So, make time after a conflict (remember they are inevitable after all) to 1)Reflect on what happened and what you could do differently and 2)Forgive yourself and accept you are not responsible for others’ feelings.

When we take time to do this, we remove any residual baggage of misaligned guilt and it keeps us moving forward with intention. This is one way i have been standing up for myself instead of self-abandoning my needs. Surely, it is not easy especially after a lifetime of people pleasing and fawning. That’s why one other important resource is to learn the difference between belonging, fitting in or fawning for safety.

In a recent I’m Not Your Shrink podcast episode, Dr Tracy Dalglesih speaks about the polarity between giving up ourselves so that we are not abandoned or rejected by others. We will do whatever we need to fit in or fawn towards someone. This is a safety need, that stems from our nervous system. We are social creatures and being in community is a survival skill. It was built to keep us safe and now our job is to discern if the danger is real or not. Anyone with unhealed relational trauma may have a harder time addressing their needs because it may put our relationship at risk. Dr. Tracy goes on to share the concept of Differentiation: where we can get a felt sense of separating someone else’s needs from our own, instead of being stuck in enmeshment: The antidote to self-abandonment is the practice of differentiation.

The role of anger and defensiveness as a reactionary impulse is our body’s way of telling us a boundary was violated.

Someone i support recently told me that i am the Queen of the Reframe and i am boldly claiming that title. I don’t love demeaning and pejorative words to describe someone. I find them violent and discriminatory, reductive and slamming. And yet, i do love the reparative work of reclaiming words. For instance, many moons ago, i learned the reframe of the word BITCH – a woman who Believes In Taking Care of Herself. And so, sometimes when i notice i am upset about something that someone did that impacted me, this word is a perfect tool to help me notice the impact on me: A boundary was violated and my anger is actually a proportional response. Even that is huge – my anger can be a valid and understandable response.

I am a social creature who thrives off connection and relationships. So it makes sense that I may not want others to use that term against me, or call me selfish. And yet, i think what makes these labels unhelpful is that the person using them doesn’t also reflect on what they have done to cause my reaction. It gives them an excuse to not do their own work of critical self-reflection. So a huge part of this journey with conflict for me has been embracing (see what i did there) that i am not responsible about what others think about me. I am also okay with accepting that not everyone will like me. This is especially true when it comes to being proud of my truth and the boundary i placed with them.

“As good girls, we’ve been socialized to believe we’re victims and not the heroines of our own lives. This socialization can put is in a passive stance, feeling as if the world, relationships, and events are happening to us, robbing us of our agency and will.” Majo Molfino

This is the golden ticket for me as i am maturing into adulthood: I would rather disappoint someone else because my need matters to me, instead of having regret for not speaking up. This is one way we can work on not abandoning ourselves. For many of us (especially women), this has been a hard truth to come to. Our inner people pleasers and Good Girls struggle to put our needs first, let alone on the table at all, if it means having someone be upset with us. And yet, if it means that every time i revisit the argument later or am faced with it again, a little part of me holds shame and resentment. This is not the way i want to live. I am moving on from my Inner People Pleaser and Good Girl. Yes, it’s been messy at times, but it’s also been reparative, transformative, and is getting me back to honouring my own needs.

What is this really about? We need to zoom our lens out from what we think the problem is. It may not be what’s right in front of you: It isn’t necessarily about the parking ticket or table in the office, but rather old wounds that have become a pattern for us. Often, it is around an attachment rupture or confrontation that someone is putting their own need above mine. In her book, Break the Good Girl Myth: How to Dismantle Outdated Rules, Unleash Your Power, and Design a More Purposeful Life, Majo Molfino shares more insight into this as well as great ways to evolve from our Inner Good Girl. It includes a self-care plan as well as unpacking the myths of sacrifice and perfection.

Another helpful healing practice is to get to know what Healthy Aggression feels like. Remember, our felt sense of anger is a message from ourselves that a boundary we need was violated or minimized. I like to think of this inner knowing as my Inner Warrior coming online. She is wild and also has healed from the attack mode she used to need. Kimberly Ann Johnson has been a teacher for me about this. In her book, The Call of the Wild: How to Heal Trauma, Awaken our Inner Power, and Use it for Good, she shares that it is imperative to have a felt sense of our boundaries: It’s not enough to just think our way through this work. We also need to reclaim our right to bear our teeth a little, even if it’s just in front of our mirror. These somatic resources can be a great support to help us adapt with healthy maturation.

I do this healing process in incremental steps, so that both my mind and body are in agreement. That means, i work to own my feelings with I-statements. I have a simple somatic practice called Strong Back Soft Heart to hold space for my needs with a Strong Back, and also the feelings of the other person with a Soft Heart. When we hold our own needs with the same level of respect as how we hold other’s, even if the outcome isn’t 100% our dream ending, we can feel at peace with it.

As I’m embracing my mid-life emergence, that means also reclaiming that i will get upset with others because we cannot always have aligned goals or needs. Moving into the Virgin era of my life means embracing the gift that comes with old(er) age – i don’t have to care what others think about me anymore. I don’t have to accept the role they want me to play for them. While a part of me can’t wait for that to be fully embraced, i know that i still have work to do in order to integrate these parts to be more humane and respectful even when i disagree with others.

So, i will let myself roar – i will not silence myself anymore. I just won’t do it with a fire but rather a soft fierceness.

Surrounded in Surrender

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No word has been as illuminating for me as much as this year’s word of the year, Surrender. I had no idea how much of a gift it would be when i chose it. I harboured mixed feelings (and some negative connotation to it going in) that i knew it would be a revealing word. I was very hesitant to embark on this year-long lesson and am so grateful for it.

Alongside this year-long study of Surrender, was the Chariot, the 7th card in the Tarot deck. I love how they held the fort for me. This year was my year to surrender to the path not yet taken – the divine mysteries, and to let the path be there ahead of me.

I sat with how we use surrender in everyday language. Patriarchy has made it seem like a loss and so it typically holds a negative connotation: To surrender my passport or freedom like when people have to ‘surrender themselves’ to the authorities. I now see that something is beautiful because it has been surrendered, and the acceptance is what happens is what it is meant to be. This is the way of surrender.

One of the key takeaways is in the reframe of it – it is not giving up but rather letting go of something that isn’t supposed to happen. We must surrender what is not ours any longer. This allows us to let go of who or what you were and are no more.

I don’t think i have ever noticed how much the word shows up – in our written word, in conversation, in song. In fact, if you want an album to play alongside my article, just have a listen to Maggie Rogers latest album – Surrender. It has been my anthem this year. I got all nerdy and sat with the word in its root: “Sur ender” – does that mean under the surface? Or is it to render to do or make into being. It is to become into myself and accept or soften or sink in land. I like how these sensation-based words help me really embody what it feels like to surrender. Over and over again, i would see the word in print and it would make me pause and re-read it. I would hear it in song or conversation and i would linger in it, coming back to it in my head so i could mull it over. Whenever i told others what my word ways, i would also get a recognition and nodding of the head as a way of agreeing with its mysterious hold on us.

“Many of us find it difficult to access a state of rest, surrender, or letting go. It requires a deep sense of trust and safety that we will be met, held, supported. In a somatic sense, yielding is the state of surrendering our weight to gravity, and the relationship between our bodies and whatever we are in contact with (be it the earth or another being).” ~ Marika Henricks

“When we surrender control, we’re able to grasp what’s needed to do our job.” ~ Rachel Macy Stafford

“Feminine surrender means holding soul truth so tenderly in your heart and so deep in your womb. Knowing without a doubt it is meant for you and will manifest for you – in it’s own way and on it’s own time.” ~ Marissa Lawton

“Along with my full-bodied, ecstatic “YES” to this new life, there was also a terrified, shame-filled, embarrassed “no” all at the same time. Surrender often meets us in that way; we are standing at the edge of a new life, and the inner conflict is excruciating. Parts of us are simultaneously moving in opposite directions….If I could have surrendered, or even told the truth sooner, I would have. If I could have done it better, cleaner, slower, faster, or with less harm, I would have. I resisted the truth until the final hour. I couldn’t let go until I could. And I devastated us all because the person I was deceiving wasn’t my ex-husband, or my now ex-lover.. it was me I was lying to. (It’s usually me I’m lying to).” Madison Morigan

The first step in my year with surrender was to unpack the root of the word word. Now at the end of this year, here are me takeaways:

Surrender is Patient
The act of surrender is unique to each given moment. When we surrender in the reality of a here and now moment, we are intentionally present right here right now. This is a practice of Radical Acceptance – it is what it is. When we give ourselves this awareness, it allows us to become comfortable and feel a sense of ease.

I have been using my Wild and Sacred Feminine oracle deck all year. The card River shares that “each act of surrender, no matter how small, brings you into an inviting ease with the flow.” It connects us to the river: River ask you to take stock of your relationship to the laws of surrender. For some, it could be graceful, and for others, feels relentless, like a struggle. River shows you what it is like to follow the path without resistance. Whatever happens happens, hold onto your real work and what is most important and liberate everything else.”

This is who I am meant to be; a trust in this life force that is guiding us to surrender and be who we are supposed to be. It is truly spiritual, and not something that can be just thought of – it has to be experienced in the fullness of our mind body soul. I think that was my biggest lesson – surrender is a spiritual portal.

It was when i started to track how it lived in my body that i started to truly understand it. Giving up is a sinking feeling in my gut. Acceptance like this is a soft landing like a feather finding its way back to home.

Surrender is patience and a felt sense that lands softly in my body. It is not crashing or collapse.

Surrender is the Opposite of Control
In the article The Art of Surrender the author reflects that the opposite of surrender is control. She unpacks the need for control, and what are some key ways to release it. To start, we need to reframe the usual question of ‘why’ to ‘what’ – like what can i do instead of why does this happen to me? She offers a helpful morning breath meditation with at least 10 breaths when you feel out of control and also an acceptance of making peace your priority rather than perfection, or productivity. Finally, she reminds that it is ok to not know understand everything and to try to trust the process.

It is about ceasing the resistance i held onto because of the desire for control. So surrender is about accepting what is beyond my control and this practice gives me a felt sense of expansion – though I don’t always know which one lands in my body first. I think expansion and the deep sigh out (or relieve) is the sensation and surrender is the thought i hold with it. It is tether to a felt response in me as the receiver with wonder, awe and appreciation.

When i give up an unhealthy hold of control, i can allow things to be just as it is: To not force it, to not force the hand. When i did this, i practiced a new way to accept that things will come back around again.

Surrender is the seed of acceptance.

As it also accompanied a year of transition for me, i think it was all the more meaningful. In my discovery of it, it showed me that surrender is an embodied intention that is tethered to trust in myself.A trust in myself and who i was becoming. When we surrender into the acceptance of who we are becoming, it is a felt sense of understanding. The initiation feels more like an answer to the evolution of who we are becoming as opposed to simply giving up who we are no longer. There is space for trust that outweighs the fear. It is also tied to feminine energy – the idea of being okay to let go and be in flow is an essence of the feminine path, which is ultimately tethered to trust. Marissa Lawton shares that surrender is embodying a “bone-deep trust that what is truly meant for you is already yours if you can simply sit and hold the space for it to arrive.”

Surrender is Love
I began to see that surrender was not attached to fear or giving up, but rather the opposite – courage and love.

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other. With too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter. When people become fused—when two become one—connection can no longer happen. There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.” ~ Esther Perel

I learned a new word when i realized how loving surrender is – biophilia: to surrender to our innate instinct to love anything that lives. I felt this so strongly when i was in France this summer – meeting new butterfly friends, and eating fresh juicy figs right of the vine. I felt this way too whenever i was in water with my family – my love for them is boundless when we play in the water together. So, i surrendered my body up to the experience, a bit like a living sacrifice.

It was with this new-found awareness that i started to wholeheartedly connect more to my spiritual self, and tend to my soul this year. I realized i love this part of me, and it is what has been hidden for so long. I got in my own way before, and was afraid to love this part of me. Through this devotion, ritual and ceremony became a big part of my life. I realized how much the concept of Surrender coincided with this. When we move into a more seasonal and intention way of living, that is accepted the way of the cycle, or cyclical living. Our animal and plant kin remind us of this all the time – this is so liberating and a embodied felt sense of sovereignty.

Love is also tethered to forgiveness. So another practice of Surrender is to work towards forgiveness, of ourself or others. This releases the hold the pain has on us, without condoning the other’s act of harm. Forgiveness is the spiritual and psychological release the pain had a hold on us over. We are free from resentment as well as the power the other person had over us. Grief is connected to forgiveness, as much as it’s to surrender – i think one dance i have been learning is the shift from the grievances i have surrounding my mom’s death and trusting that i can surrender to the feeling of grief, as it’s a sign of my love for her – i don’t have to drown in my sorrow to do so.

Surrendering softy into my edges, landing in my body in its fullness, expanding into it all

The best gift i have given myself this year is to intentionally walk with Surrender – it has allowed me to truly surrender to the experience of my own life. It has been a reclamation – and a practice of standing firm in a practice that was vulnerable and yet transformative. I am a new person on this other side of my dance with surrender.

Seeing Ourselves on TV: A Trauma Therapist’s Guide to Good TV Shows as Healing Medicine

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As a trauma therapist who specializes in helping heal unhealthy relationship dynamics and recognize relationship red flags, i am always rooting for love. Displays of healthy love are inspiration for us all. This is especially important to model for younger generations who have grown up with social media at their fingertips.

Like many of us, I have been watching the evolution of Taylor Swift. It’s hard not to – whenever i hop onto social media, there is a video clip of her dancing, or singing, or living life in general. Full disclosure: i am a mom of a Swiftie so i’m sure my algorithms are definitely rigged.

Having said that, i have such deep empathy for anyone in the public eye. She is just a human trying to live her life, and yet she is under the lens of the world as she does so.

It made me reflect on ways we view social media, pop culture, and also TV shows in general as fodder for life lessons.

We already know the role TV has on getting rest and self-care. Historically, it was an option for slowing down and being with family and friends. There has been recent research that connects social media scrolling and dopamine levels. And yet, i worry about the misuse of it these days. I do think it’s worth noting how TV shows or social media impacts you – does it give you rest or does it activate you? Does it make you feel seen and foster mirror neurons or is it triggering?

This requires a critical lens, and if that is hard, a self-reflective practice at least. As a modern therapist, i am not against pop culture. I am also not against resting my body and brain while watching a good show. Like all coping strategies, we need to know how it serves us and how to do it in moderation so the resource doesn’t become maladaptive, or a crutch. It is important to me to help clients find resources that they can use in their everyday life. This is one of the benefits of technology – we can stream old TV favourites, so we don’t have to just scroll endlessly – we can have some agency and intention with this.

For instance, a resource i offer to folks who are struggling with feelings of shame or aloneness is to watch a show on TV that reflects what they are going through. In fact, here are some old journal articles i wrote about some specific shows i found fascinating. The fact that a writer created the story that was then filmed and shared for all to see is very empowering and validating. We are not as alone as we think we are. Thanks to Brene Brown, we also know that shame lives in isolation. A way to reframe this mindset is to seek Common Humanity – this is a term that comes from Kristen Neff and her work around self-compassion.

Let’s use Taylor’s current love life as an example: she is seemingly falling in love with a football player with the eyes of the world viewing it like a rom-com. No pressure, Taylor but you are a model of what love looks like, whether it is good, bad or ugly.

I’m watching Taylor and Travis fall in love and i’m hopeful about the example they are setting. Supporting each other’s careers? Check. Being happy to witness each other in their success? Being seen in your commitment to each other? Check. Being comfortable in your own self-worth when you are dating a BILLIONAIRE? Check. Being kind to friends and family of your beloved? Check.

I mention these observations to my kid, who is a Taylor Swift student. Having these conversations are necessary, as it ensures for me that my kids can look for this in their own life. I am a feminist mom and therapist, so i make a point to teach both my kids about life, love and self-worth. And sometimes, TV and movies are a great ice breaker or tool to help facilitate these conversations.

This brings me to the shows i’m watching with my kids: Gilmore Girls and Heartstopper.

I didn’t really watch Gilmore Girls when it first came out – i was a bit too ‘old’ for it and yet i absolutely know its story. I watch it now with my 11-year old; we debate about the boyfriends, we discuss the mother-daughter relationship, and i get to use the grandmother-mother storyline to help unpack my own messy relationship with my mom. Shows like this can be a good catalyst to discuss more real and relevant stories in our own life. In fact, i remember being taught to do something like this when my kids were wee and needed a story outside of our personal one, to get some perspective and insight. I would role play with peg dolls as a way to address big feelings. I guess this is the older kid version, using fictional stories to help make a point land in a less direct way.

As Gilmore Girls is a bit dated now, to say the least, i’m so grateful that Alice Osman’s graphic novel series Heartstopper was turned into a TV series. This is just what my big kid needed, to feel seen for who they are and what that they grapple with – gender identity, relationships, and life in general. We all cheer on Charlie and Nick, and my kid knows that we support them too because we watch the show together and unpack its key themes.

If it isn’t obvious yet, I am a fan of TV, whether it is for a good laugh, or to feel less alone in things, and also sometimes to show my people what i do as a living – being a therapist is inherently a very secretive business, isn’t it?

For instance, here’s a show that i didn’t know was good until just last year: Virgin River. This show gets so much right. It centres the stories of women’s health, family violence, sexual assault, reproductive health, intergenerational trauma, and relationships. Clearly i’m biased but this show covers stories and themes we all need to learn more about. This past season alone checked a lot of my own boxes and i was so grateful that popular shows are addressing these topics.

I also have been devouring the show Outlander. I’m not quite done, and have to take breaks from it at times. But it covers so much ground and i think it does some justice to history, without adding too many revisions. Of course a big draw is the period clothing, the fact that a woman is a doctor in the 1960s AND 1700s, and yes the sex scenes. One area that is significant for me is how they address various trauma storylines. One recent episode that was quite triggering and painful to watch was when Claire (the main character) experiences a gruesome attack. I won’t go into details about the incident itself here, because what i found more profound and thus worth mentioning is her resilience to do what she can to lessen (or titrate) the impact on her. She escaped in her mind in ways that her body could not – she envisioned her family happy, safe, and together in a place that was far away from what was happening to her in the present. In Narrative Therapy, we call this an Act of Resistance – a seemingly small act that has such a powerful way of escaping from the pain she was enduring. This is not merely a distraction but a key tool that people can use during extreme acts of abuse. In Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, we use a similar resource where we bring in our sensations and 5 senses to recall a ‘happy place’ with an embodied dual awareness.

Some shows are heavy and need to be. They share what the impact of trauma may look like. Remember i shared above that a pillar of Self-compassion is community humanity, which is necessary to help us not feel as alone in our experience as we think we are. Having a shared experience gives us clarity, reassurance, and medicine for any shame we may be carrying if we think something only happened to us. A show that does this well is I Might Destroy You. The single-season show centres around a Black woman and the sexual assaults she experiences. She has to grapple with the aftermath in many intersecting ways. She doesn’t do it alone and is messy and real, and the show does a great job in reflecting what real-life sexual trauma survivors experience.

On a lighter tone and still about sexual health is Sex Education. It is TV gold. I mean, come on – this is good TV through and through. I don’t want to give any spoilers so what i can say here is that they clearly have folks on the writing staff who know what they are talking about. They did their research. They cover such key topics like what enthusiastic consent is, postpartum Mood disorders, trans youth experiences, a diverse continuum of sexual identities, and also how awkward it is to talk about what you need and like. And it highlights how imperative it is to learn how to talk about sex. And this is just from the final season, so don’t take my word for it – watch it!

Speaking of sex, i am a fan of Sex and the City. I’m not ashamed to admit it, as Carrie Bradshaw is a bit of my muse. So of course, i wanted to enjoy the latest iteration …And Just Like That. While it didn’t ‘quite’ cut it, i can relate to Charlotte’s experience of menopause and not having my full cycle appear for months. In the recent season, they made a point to also give Charlotte a monologue about mental load. I love this scene so much. So a show that brings in storylines about being a working mother and menopause is still a win for me.

So, just in time for our cave-like cocooning season of Winter where i live, this is my list of some TV shows that you may want to save on your watch lists. What would you add?

No don’t get me started on Workin’ Mom’s and the character Anne, who’s a therapist…. Another article that i keep writing in my head is how therapists are displayed on TV and in movies, and how they don’t always portray is in the best light. Have you seen Ted Lasso? The actual therapist is a gem and i don’t want to spoiler any storylines.. but come on, we need to want people to WANT TO come and be vulnerable and held, don’t we?

BeComing Home to My Self

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“I have already lost touch with a couple of people i used to be.” ~ Joan Didion

October always feels like a month of change. It’s hard not to take note of the metaphor of things coming to an end with all the leaves falling to their natural completion. Humans are more like nature than we ever want to admit.

I’m no different and now I’m ready to not only accept this inevitable passing of time, but now I mean to surrender it. As SURRENDER is my word of the year, i have been on a journey with it this year. Now it’s become an invited guest on my adventure called life. I’m not going to lie though, it’s still a lesson i am learning: A part of me is being pulled through a new threshold, and at the same time another part wants to remain the same.

Initiation is the paradox that reflects a new version of me.

I spoke about my entry into High School Mom terrain last month. Besides this key rite of passage for my kiddo (and therefore me on the periphery), I am on the cusp of another massive personal developmental change. I don’t just mean menopause, but something else that accompanies it – the end of a stretch of 7 years of growth. In both Traditional Chinese Medicine and Rudolf Steiner’s 7-Year Cycle Model, the pattern is based on a process that changes every 7 years. The phase i am in now is the time of Soul Searching that ends at 49. This is the time for Wonder for the Spirit Self. As i’m near the end of it, i’m glad that i know this – the end of this stage is coming and i don’t have to be surprised or grieve it too late.

Speaking of Perimenopause, i would be remiss not to also acknowledge it here. Especially as October is World Menopause Month. I now have so much more understanding of my mom’s life, and also grief and regret that i did not ask her more about this change when she was alive. I rarely looked at her for guidance in general, and i deeply regret that.

So I turned to the second best resource, one that I share with my mom – books.

In the book, 7 Transforming Gifts of Menopause, the author describes how having clarity and courage, expanded time and spiritual freedom, as well as access to our authentic self can be the alchemizing ingredients that we need to step into this major and unspoken rite of passage.

And maybe, just maybe, it’s worth unpacking an old theory about this liminal space with a more feminist and critical lens – as Rites of Passage was first deemed a concept by a well-established and white anthropologist, it is safe to assume he did not have everyday regular folk in mind, let alone women going through their womanly changes.

“Change and transition are not meant to be easy. With every shift you make in your life, whether it’s a relationship ending, a job change or city change, a friendship ending, new identities emerging, or loss, you will inevitably experience both grief and expansion. That’s the thing about transitions. You will lose something, but if your eyes and heart are open, you will grow. Even through the hard stuff. You will grieve and you will grow. Make sure you hold space for both.” ~ Vienna Pharaon

I feel firmly rooted in this stage of my life. I am starting to reflect on how it got here. To be honest, some of it was a surprise, and some of it was under the cover of being in lockdown. Some of this journey has been a way of grieving the loss of my mom, and accepting this new place i live in. I am embracing this balance of tending to my own life in front of me while also holding space for my ancestors and their unfinished lives.

And so yes, some of it was very intentional.

This is me starting to step out of Mother and into my Virgin Era. I know that may not make sense because the word carries a very different meaning. Think more like a good virgin olive oil, or virgin wool – pure onto itself. In Marion Woodman’s work, a virgin is a woman who is whole unto herself. She is awakened to live her life more fully and intentionally for herself. I think it’s also about finding balance. This archetype occurs in a woman’s life after she becomes a mother, and before she enters elderhood. Most don’t get to live in this place.

A big part of this is because patriarchy has taught us that our worth as women is tethered to our ability to mother. When we are older and deemed too old to bear children, our short-lived and near-sighted worth becomes obsolete – in the eyes of a male-centred world that is.

“I think midlife is when the Universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear: I’m not screwing around. It’s time.” ~ Brené Brown

Archetypes Can Guide Us
Recognizing that i was in this transitionary stage of no longer a young mother anymore, and not quite ready to be a Crone, i knew i had to turn to who has been here before me. So this year, a goal of mine was to be a student of archetypes. Who better than these wise elders to give me guidance? More specifically, feminine archetypes, the divine or sacred feminine, as well as goddesses that i was never curious about before. This commitment lead me to Maureen Murdock’s reframe of the Hero’s Journey – which she calls the heroine’s journey for the path of the fool. I love how she unpacks the various stages and turns. This website offers a great guide if you are also curious and want to dive deeper into this work.

Most of us have heard of the triple goddess archetypes – the Maiden, Mother and Crone. But did you know there are more feminine archetypes? Like Sage, Mystic, Warrior, Lover, or Huntress?

In reading the wonderful new book Sage, Huntress, Lover, Queen by Mara Branscombe, i’m noticing that both the Sage and Lover are aligned with my journey to Virgin. They are midlife archetypes for women. They are all whole unto themselves. They intentionally bring together their outside relationships and career to come into unity with their inner self and life’s calling. Their service to the world no longer outweighs their own inner journey. This is the practice is leaning towards wholeness, and not assuming one archetypes is the answer-for-all.

Jane Hardwicke Collings is a wise elder who speaks directly about this change. She has coined the term Sagescence to mirror the rite of passage that is similar to adolescence and matrescence. She shared that “sagescence brings with it many gifts. We become more self-focused and motivated to take care of ourselves. We are gifted with the opportunity to heal all the unhealed parts of ourselves. We fully align with the lunar cycle as this replaces our menstrual cycle. Our visionary capacity and intuition grow and grow. Our leadership skills arise or get stronger. And our orgasms get stronger and longer!”

Not only do we remain sexual and pleasure-seeking, i love this reframe that our pleasure is intensified in elder years, not diminished as is usually the story.

When we know that our personal story is reflected in an overarching archetypal one, a sense of relief and being seen is felt. Sometimes, it’s a felt sense of understanding and validation that we get. I know for me, i feel less alone – this is my story and many before me. Now my inner voice that has been calling for me can sigh out a bit as she knows i hear her calling. What’s different now is that I’m less afraid to ignore her.

Photo Credit: Paula Dicu


How does this stage of life look? I’m glad you asked because it’s wonderful! For one, we get to go out again and do things just for the sake of fun, however that looks like as the 47-year old i am. It’s now that i’m starting to really enjoy date nights with my partner, instead of the transactional dates that helped us survive as a couple in early parenthood. I am taking dance classes and attending women’s circles again. I have even gone to some weekend retreats. Some of you may have been doing this all along, and that’s amazing. The difference in this stage is that it’s not to balance or get a break from my mother role and work. Rather it’s because the call to work as a mother is less hands-on, and it’s been integrated into my life as a whole (see that word creeping in here?)

I have been a Thousand Different Women by Emory Hall
make peace with all the women you once were
lay flower sat their feet
offer them incense and honey and forgiveness
honor them and give them your silence
listen.
bless them and let them be.
for they are the bones of the temple you sit in now.
for they are the rivers of wisdom leading you toward the sea.

As I am crossing through this portal into this next stage of life, my life, I am feeling more certain about it. And I’ve been tracking the guide posts that have been lighting the way for me. I’ve reflected on this and have noticed a few key elements that have been anchors for me during this time. A few years ago, my word of the year was rise and since then I’ve been really holding it close to help me steer my path. I find it holds a nice complement to other words I’ve had recently like breathe and Grace. As of course, I love a good acronym that helps us find our way even more clearly and succinctly so maybe this resource will come in handy for you as well.

How to RISE Up into the Latest Evolution of Your Self
1) Reflect on your Path to Now
It’s important to always start with looking back on what was, what brought you to this point and if you continues to serve and resonate with you. We need to grief what has ended, even if it is at its completion. For instance, my work has evolved to reflect where i am now. I started my career as a crisis counsellor. My work pivoted when I became a mother, both to change my hours to ensure I had more balance, and then eventually even more when I would work more specifically with mothers in my private practice.

October is when i celebrate the decision to leap into my private practice full-time. It was 3 years ago this month that i made the leap. I have always wanted to have my own private practice as a therapist. And i have never looked back on my decision with regret or second guessing. This has been a wonderful testament on how i have leveled up, or evolved in my work and life in general.

2) Integrate the New Pieces
Previous parts don’t necessary have to go by the wayside. In fact, they can be honoured and acknowledged for all the work they did to get you to right here right now. Even if they are flawed and stuck – they served a purpose. In order to truly transform into this new stage, though, we need to cross the portal with both fit in. So, spend some time pondering just what versions of you do you still need and want by your side? What new roles, identities, or strengths will best serve you? For instance, i loved learning that my Sexual Self is not lost to me. She has been waiting by the sidelines too long and i can whisper to you now that by no way is it 100% true our libido is diminished when we age. We evolve in this way too, i think, actually. You did see the reference to orgasm being especially yummy later in life right? Enough said…

Of course, my Wild Lover is not my only new Part – i also am excited to have my Mystic, Sage, and Creatrix there as main characters of my life’s soap opera.

A simple way to incorporate this new version of is is to start bringing your new goals or intentions into your everyday life, even in small incremental steps. This can be in a sacred morning ritual to help this transition. It can be an update to your skincare routine, a new lotion, or a way to adorn yourself daily. Oh, i can’t speak more highly about the magic of adornment! It is truly an act of divination.

3) Support
We are social creatures, and our bodies are designed for connection – literally. We have a social engagement system built into our nervous system. If you are skeptical of this, just think of mirror neorons and oxytocin. We thrive in community with others who are here as well. The word ‘coven’ carries a witchy connotation these days. It’s hard not to think of women in black dresses dancing around a fire. But originally, the term meant a group of like-minded folks gathering together. We need others to reflect back what we are thinking. We need others to also show that we are not alone on this journey.

It’s hard to keep in touch with friends in this stage of life, because life keeps calling us away. So we need to be intentional about this commitment to our close ones. Find the people in your life that mirror back what you are passionate about. You may not be as alone as you think you are. Jen Berlingo refers to herself as a life traveller and her book Midlife Emergence is on my wish list. She speaks about this need to create a village, and one suggestion is to be persistent and keep inviting your people to gather. This is wisdom i have been implementing this year.

4) Embrace and Embody this New Self
I find this step is a key element of deepening into this new skin. Otherwise, things remain intellect-having and more transactional. We need to embody the change. One way i am doing this is by redefining my style and dressing my age. For a while, i resisted it – i was fighting the drive to dress a certain way. Now. i have come into my own with how i dress. All my younger parts are so happy to have me feel confident and in my element. This is my flowy dress era. It has always been important for me that my style matches the inner me. More importantly, not only do i dress my age, i now see the rite of passage of becoming this style also mature: How my pre-teen daughter dresses is how i USED to dress. I have evolved.

Another way to alchemize this passage is by being witnessed as you cross the threshold: Be honoured in ceremony. Host a gathering, a circle, or a party if you feel called to do so. I am doing just that and i can’t wait! More on that next month, i promise!

If you need any further guidance or practice to help you find your way home back to yourself, meditate and cast a vision of the future you are dreaming about. Visit with the archetypes that inspire and resonate with you. Or check out this article, it may be helpful.

And remember, we are all works in progress, changing even without our full attention. If we do it with more intention, our dream life can be within reach. I have transformed: And yes, it may still include butterfly wings – i just wear them on the inside now.

How to get Ready for the Fall: Stepping into Being a High School Mom

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September is the second January, a time for new beginnings, and also the ending of things. One has to go with the other; one in fact necessitates the other. As Jessie Harrold puts it, “while you are becoming, you are also unbecoming.” This is the dance with grief, and not being afraid to notice it in the corners of your inner dance floor.

It can be as simple as the new season meaning the end of the previous one. Where i live, that means the end of Summer and a crash into Fall. I can’t help but notice that it’s not just leaves and ripe apples that fall to the ground, but us as well, when we are faced with the reality of this change. It does come all at once. So it can be dysregulating, or at least a bit jarring, so we need to slow down and brace for it.

For those of us with school-age kids, it means the end of a summer or seasonal break. However it looked and especially if it meant a bit of ease off the routine and time off for yourself from other responsibilities. If you love Summer like i do, it also means intentionally relishing every last drop of that watermelon, the warm lake water, the fluttering of butterflies.

Not all of us have children, and yet September does mean a fresh start, whether it is for our own work or school programs, or digging up our wee gardens and their bounty. It also means preparing for the cozy season of Autumn.

“I have done nothing all summer but wait for myself to be myself again.” ~ Georgia O’Keefe

I am faced with this reality of many new things at once – not just the rotation of Earth and a new season, but as a mom to teens, i now am officially a high school mom. This is a messy and pivotal practice of Radical Acceptance.

There i said it – i am a Mom of teens now. This is a new Rite of Passage of Matrescence. I was just starting to get comfortable with my role and identity as a school-age mom (and i guess i still am with an 11-year old). And yet, i am at this threshold, this sea change of not quite a high school mom, but no longer just a mom to young kids.

One thing i’m noticing is that I’m more familiar with this age because I remember my teen years more. Maybe that is what’s guiding me and also adding a bit of anticipatory worry to my body. My own teen years were not easy, and the start of high school was especially messy and jarring. So, now i need to create a Nurturing Shadow Part for my own Inner Teen who is very much present for me now. Thank-you Rachel Macy Stafford for this reframe!

When i’m faced with this crossroads, i’m using what i know about Rites of Passage to hold me. Typically, this passage is when we move from one stage of life to another. It is marked with ritual and ceremony. Or at least it is supposed to be. Our culture has lost its way in truly marking this transition. We might host gender reveal parties or proms, but that only acknowledges a part of the story. We need to honour all three stages, otherwise our leap into the new experience can feel untethered and overwhelming. And, if we stay stuck in grieving what was, we can spiral into a felt sense of suffering in our mourning. It becomes more than just the understandable period it is meant to be. We resist the inevitable – the only constant is change.

So, we need to honour the Separation from what we were. That can be in ceremony or ritual. We need to say goodbye. We also need to learn what we need to hold us in the Transition. A map, an elder, a book of common humanity. And we can’t forgo the right we have to be honoured in the Integration. A lot of us get lost in the first 2 steps that we either miss the integration of this new phase in our life, or we don’t become the butterfly at all.

I already had my graduation and experience, and yet it hurts all over again – because it wasn’t held in its fullness. My path on the journey into high school is long over. This is their story now, their growth. Their Graduation comes with honouring endings first. We can’t celebrate until we grieve and close what was, even if it wasn’t always good and roses.

All Endings come with Beginnings
We cannot just jump into this new phase of life, and take it for granted. We do need to grieve or at least say bye to what we are separating from. That’s one reason why i wanted to be a part of my kid’s graduation ceremony planning committee – to honour this transition for them, and to also ensure that ritual and ceremony was bought into it. So, i lead the students in some gentle ritual and ceremony. They have been together for 10 years and i felt this was important to be honoured. We tied string together to connect them, and they all shared kind words about each other. We danced, we sang, and we ate – all good party necessities.

We are both going through our own journey of life, in parallel moving forward direction. One thing i had to reckon with is that my path is a few cycles up the mountain. Whereas they are at the mere precipice of this Hereo’s Journey. That’s why i’m so grateful there are elders to guide us both, to offer a map and lightpost. One such reference is Bill Plotkin’s work on the Five Phases of the Descent to Soul. Our Soul Journey includes Preparation, Dissolution, Soul Encounter, Metamorphosis, Enactment. Knowing there is a map or process helps us feel less alone in the unknown version of our own personal story.

Rachael Maddox does a wonderful job explaining this model in terms of the entry into motherhood HERE. She calls it the Motherverse: the transition and integration of becoming someone entirely new, in this case a mother. In my own work with Kimberly Ann Johnson and the MotherCircle program, this concept is incorporated into the arc of transitioning into motherhood and integrating this identity into all of me.

Rites of passage don’t have to be reserved only for the major stages of life like graduating from university, marriage or childbirth. Any change from a stage in our life is a paradox of no longer being something and not quite being something entirely new yet. It is the fine balance of both/and AND ALSO neither/or. When we honour the initiatory process of transformation, it gives our Soul the gift of maturation.

When i come back to my core values as a mom, these are my guideposts – i may not be there to stop the hurt from happening, but a core value of mine is to be present to love and guide them in ways they need (rather than how i might have needed it). This reframe comes from my Inner Nurturer, the one who holds space for my Wounded Teen.

I am initiating myself into this stage of Motherhood and life. So, as life itself is a living ceremony, i thought it was the perfect time to get a tattoo. Ritual and ceremony are so important to me, and i was pondering how to mark this transition. My youngest kid declared ‘about time, Mom!’ when i told them. And, i do find it a fitting marker – not only am i now a teen mom, i am also entering a new stage in my own life maturation process. But i’m saving that for next month’s journal entry!

I am casting a vision of the future, or at least this first year of high school for my oldest kid. We don’t have to have it all figured out just yet – we are a mere 3 weeks into our chapter of high school. Knowing that there are stages to a Rite of Passage gives me grace – i literally have a grace period before either one of us “has to” integrate and accept this new identity.

When we know that it takes time to transition into something new, this gives us agency and also self-compassion to let the feelings of grief and separation linger. It’s when we get stuck in the grief that it can turn into suffering.