Tag Archives: Mind body soul

Surrounded in Surrender

Posted on by

No word has been as illuminating for me as much as this year’s word of the year, Surrender. I had no idea how much of a gift it would be when i chose it. I harboured mixed feelings (and some negative connotation to it going in) that i knew it would be a revealing word. I was very hesitant to embark on this year-long lesson and am so grateful for it.

Alongside this year-long study of Surrender, was the Chariot, the 7th card in the Tarot deck. I love how they held the fort for me. This year was my year to surrender to the path not yet taken – the divine mysteries, and to let the path be there ahead of me.

I sat with how we use surrender in everyday language. Patriarchy has made it seem like a loss and so it typically holds a negative connotation: To surrender my passport or freedom like when people have to ‘surrender themselves’ to the authorities. I now see that something is beautiful because it has been surrendered, and the acceptance is what happens is what it is meant to be. This is the way of surrender.

One of the key takeaways is in the reframe of it – it is not giving up but rather letting go of something that isn’t supposed to happen. We must surrender what is not ours any longer. This allows us to let go of who or what you were and are no more.

I don’t think i have ever noticed how much the word shows up – in our written word, in conversation, in song. In fact, if you want an album to play alongside my article, just have a listen to Maggie Rogers latest album – Surrender. It has been my anthem this year. I got all nerdy and sat with the word in its root: “Sur ender” – does that mean under the surface? Or is it to render to do or make into being. It is to become into myself and accept or soften or sink in land. I like how these sensation-based words help me really embody what it feels like to surrender. Over and over again, i would see the word in print and it would make me pause and re-read it. I would hear it in song or conversation and i would linger in it, coming back to it in my head so i could mull it over. Whenever i told others what my word ways, i would also get a recognition and nodding of the head as a way of agreeing with its mysterious hold on us.

“Many of us find it difficult to access a state of rest, surrender, or letting go. It requires a deep sense of trust and safety that we will be met, held, supported. In a somatic sense, yielding is the state of surrendering our weight to gravity, and the relationship between our bodies and whatever we are in contact with (be it the earth or another being).” ~ Marika Henricks

“When we surrender control, we’re able to grasp what’s needed to do our job.” ~ Rachel Macy Stafford

“Feminine surrender means holding soul truth so tenderly in your heart and so deep in your womb. Knowing without a doubt it is meant for you and will manifest for you – in it’s own way and on it’s own time.” ~ Marissa Lawton

“Along with my full-bodied, ecstatic “YES” to this new life, there was also a terrified, shame-filled, embarrassed “no” all at the same time. Surrender often meets us in that way; we are standing at the edge of a new life, and the inner conflict is excruciating. Parts of us are simultaneously moving in opposite directions….If I could have surrendered, or even told the truth sooner, I would have. If I could have done it better, cleaner, slower, faster, or with less harm, I would have. I resisted the truth until the final hour. I couldn’t let go until I could. And I devastated us all because the person I was deceiving wasn’t my ex-husband, or my now ex-lover.. it was me I was lying to. (It’s usually me I’m lying to).” Madison Morigan

The first step in my year with surrender was to unpack the root of the word word. Now at the end of this year, here are me takeaways:

Surrender is Patient
The act of surrender is unique to each given moment. When we surrender in the reality of a here and now moment, we are intentionally present right here right now. This is a practice of Radical Acceptance – it is what it is. When we give ourselves this awareness, it allows us to become comfortable and feel a sense of ease.

I have been using my Wild and Sacred Feminine oracle deck all year. The card River shares that “each act of surrender, no matter how small, brings you into an inviting ease with the flow.” It connects us to the river: River ask you to take stock of your relationship to the laws of surrender. For some, it could be graceful, and for others, feels relentless, like a struggle. River shows you what it is like to follow the path without resistance. Whatever happens happens, hold onto your real work and what is most important and liberate everything else.”

This is who I am meant to be; a trust in this life force that is guiding us to surrender and be who we are supposed to be. It is truly spiritual, and not something that can be just thought of – it has to be experienced in the fullness of our mind body soul. I think that was my biggest lesson – surrender is a spiritual portal.

It was when i started to track how it lived in my body that i started to truly understand it. Giving up is a sinking feeling in my gut. Acceptance like this is a soft landing like a feather finding its way back to home.

Surrender is patience and a felt sense that lands softly in my body. It is not crashing or collapse.

Surrender is the Opposite of Control
In the article The Art of Surrender the author reflects that the opposite of surrender is control. She unpacks the need for control, and what are some key ways to release it. To start, we need to reframe the usual question of ‘why’ to ‘what’ – like what can i do instead of why does this happen to me? She offers a helpful morning breath meditation with at least 10 breaths when you feel out of control and also an acceptance of making peace your priority rather than perfection, or productivity. Finally, she reminds that it is ok to not know understand everything and to try to trust the process.

It is about ceasing the resistance i held onto because of the desire for control. So surrender is about accepting what is beyond my control and this practice gives me a felt sense of expansion – though I don’t always know which one lands in my body first. I think expansion and the deep sigh out (or relieve) is the sensation and surrender is the thought i hold with it. It is tether to a felt response in me as the receiver with wonder, awe and appreciation.

When i give up an unhealthy hold of control, i can allow things to be just as it is: To not force it, to not force the hand. When i did this, i practiced a new way to accept that things will come back around again.

Surrender is the seed of acceptance.

As it also accompanied a year of transition for me, i think it was all the more meaningful. In my discovery of it, it showed me that surrender is an embodied intention that is tethered to trust in myself.A trust in myself and who i was becoming. When we surrender into the acceptance of who we are becoming, it is a felt sense of understanding. The initiation feels more like an answer to the evolution of who we are becoming as opposed to simply giving up who we are no longer. There is space for trust that outweighs the fear. It is also tied to feminine energy – the idea of being okay to let go and be in flow is an essence of the feminine path, which is ultimately tethered to trust. Marissa Lawton shares that surrender is embodying a “bone-deep trust that what is truly meant for you is already yours if you can simply sit and hold the space for it to arrive.”

Surrender is Love
I began to see that surrender was not attached to fear or giving up, but rather the opposite – courage and love.

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other. With too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter. When people become fused—when two become one—connection can no longer happen. There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.” ~ Esther Perel

I learned a new word when i realized how loving surrender is – biophilia: to surrender to our innate instinct to love anything that lives. I felt this so strongly when i was in France this summer – meeting new butterfly friends, and eating fresh juicy figs right of the vine. I felt this way too whenever i was in water with my family – my love for them is boundless when we play in the water together. So, i surrendered my body up to the experience, a bit like a living sacrifice.

It was with this new-found awareness that i started to wholeheartedly connect more to my spiritual self, and tend to my soul this year. I realized i love this part of me, and it is what has been hidden for so long. I got in my own way before, and was afraid to love this part of me. Through this devotion, ritual and ceremony became a big part of my life. I realized how much the concept of Surrender coincided with this. When we move into a more seasonal and intention way of living, that is accepted the way of the cycle, or cyclical living. Our animal and plant kin remind us of this all the time – this is so liberating and a embodied felt sense of sovereignty.

Love is also tethered to forgiveness. So another practice of Surrender is to work towards forgiveness, of ourself or others. This releases the hold the pain has on us, without condoning the other’s act of harm. Forgiveness is the spiritual and psychological release the pain had a hold on us over. We are free from resentment as well as the power the other person had over us. Grief is connected to forgiveness, as much as it’s to surrender – i think one dance i have been learning is the shift from the grievances i have surrounding my mom’s death and trusting that i can surrender to the feeling of grief, as it’s a sign of my love for her – i don’t have to drown in my sorrow to do so.

Surrendering softy into my edges, landing in my body in its fullness, expanding into it all

The best gift i have given myself this year is to intentionally walk with Surrender – it has allowed me to truly surrender to the experience of my own life. It has been a reclamation – and a practice of standing firm in a practice that was vulnerable and yet transformative. I am a new person on this other side of my dance with surrender.

My Lost Self

Posted on by

“What must I give more death to today, in order to generate more life? What do I know should die, but am hesitant to allow to do so? What must die in me in order for me to love? What not-beauty do I fear? Of what use is the power of the not-beautiful to me today? What should die today? What should live? What life am I afraid to give birth to? If not now, when?” ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes

This is the ending and a new beginning: a death and new version of me. This is the end of my life with a mother of my own. This is me entering a new phase of life self-mothering myself more intentionally.

A Rite of Passage has three distinct stages – separation, transition and integration. In the story of my loss, i went through the separation and then a transition time. Now, i am in a new stage now as I integrate and incorporate the loss of my mom into my life. I think i didn’t experience what others have access to, namely because my mom didn’t want a funeral. This rite of passage wasn’t marked and it wasn’t witnessed in the way that needs to be. These markings are for the grievers, as a path to help them be held in their grief, and to know it leads to something else. There needs to be another side to grief, a threshold as opposed a place that feels stuck in a web.

I’ve been finding my Lost Self again; This is some of the soul work i’ve been doing. It’s been an intentional practice of checking in with my soul self, and asking her what she needs. I think i lost her for a while, years ago. When Prairie posted a reel about this concept on Instagram, my soul jumped in excitement. It so desperately wanted me to notice this was what i too have been feeling.

We banish in ourselves what we want and then resent other people for doing just that. This resentment is connected to jealousy, not anger. It is a messy reminder of what we also have wanted for ourselves but are afraid to ask. What is it you want? I appreciate Brené Brown’s reframe on resentment: Instead of seeing resentment as a form of anger, it is more helpful and accurate to see it as something someone has they were wanting for ourself. And yet on the other side of it I think it’s also this balance of making sure I live my life more fully in a way that my mom never could.

When i became a mom, i went full steam ahead into that identity. I didn’t know another way to enter this new phase of life. I started to notice jealousy or even resentment towards other mom friends who had a more full life. It was only when i noticed this pattern come up that i realized it is because i wanted this for me as well. It’s been a journey back to me and all of me these last few years. It’s been an intentional practice of soul work, where i’m re-connecting with the various aspects of what makes us whole as humans. For many of us, it is our soul self that has been lost, or kept in the shadows. If this concept resonates with you, read this article to get a better sense of how to practice it for you.

One way i did this soul work was to sign up for events that speak to my soul. This helps me do the work deliberately, as an apprentice to it (a term i learned from Francis Weller). For instance, i recently attended a day workshop, a retreat for myself. It was absolutely the treat and reset I needed. With the name of it actually being TEND, I knew that I was in the right place. I joined a few other women who also can relate to this feeling of caring for so many others, that we also need to receive this tender, loving care. There was also a photo session experience, where i was able to fully embody parts of myself that i have lost, that have become lost along the way. It’s been a cathartic practise to sit with the photos, and see my FULL self reflected in them.

Another way to dive into finding myself again is to reflect on where my heart has taken me. Jessie Harrold shared her concept of “Rites of the Heart” again recently. While the term is not new, when i saw it on her instagram page last week, it really resonated with me. These are the (not so) little things we do for ourselves that are on our own, in private but are just a meaningful. It can be quitting a job and starting a private practice, it can be starting a garden in your new home, or deciding to embrace your new sense of style. They are the change of heart that comes with deepening into our soul’s calling. This shift then trickles down into our everyday life: I honour them with rituals like like a candle when i take a bath, or play a special song when i cook, make a cup of a special tea when i am feeling a need for a hug. I love this as it makes sacred the small things we do to give our soul vitamins, by making them rituals and intentions, instead of things we start to take for granted.

I have been really coming into my own with my sense of style. I have embraced (literally) the boho feminine goddess that has always been in me. This lost self is finally free and so happy to be. And, she’s been seen in the best possible ways. Last week, a friendly stranger complimented my outfit and shared she’s been an admirer of my style for some time. Not only was i touched, especially when she said she sees me and notices me – i am also now noticing that she voiced something i was missing with the loss of my mom: the admiration, the noticing of details, being a witness to how i adorn myself.

I don’t want to lose that. This doesn’t have to be a lost self.

I can incorporate (see what i did there???) ways to feel connected to my mom in my life now.

I have a mom still – her teachings and stories are within me. What i don’t have now is the active involvement, guidance and love from her moving forward. And i have so many questions for her that i didn’t get to ask – like how was menopause for her, or what are my great-grandmother’s names? And i wont’ be able to get her appreciation of my outfit, or share pride in our knitting. I won’t get to say i’m sorry to her when i’ll be in the throws of raising teens.

Ugh – i’m not sure how to be a mom without a mom; a mom to teens without my mom.

I have been reading a lot about this transition. Books are a way that i find anchor in a messy storm of life. They help me know i am not alone, and also act as a guide. One book that i just finished ways Rachel Macy Stafford’s latest gift Soul Shift: The Weary Human’s Guide to Getting Unstuck and Reclaiming your Path to Joy. In it, she breaks down into doable steps how to just do that – get unstuck and find your path to joy. I appreciate it has a step-by-step guide like a map. And yes, it includes the necessary involvement of soul work. THIS article does a great job in unpacking the book.

I also have been reading Women who Run with the Wolves for the third time. It’s my bible, really and truly. I read it every Sunday evening, and especially when i take a ritual bath. It’s the first time since becoming a mother, and also in this transition phase I’m in. One thing that’s been amazing isn’t that I’ve been really resonated with this book because I have, but actually the things that I underlined over 25 years ago that are still resonating now. And when i read it now, i have both the capacity and place in my life to make sense of the words and guidance the book shares.

Another lost self of mine is one that chooses pleasure and treating myself to things that i enjoy. My mom didn’t always model that. Recently, I saw a woman going to a movie. It looked like she was there by herself and yet she was there to enjoy a movie. This is something my mom never did. Outings were not something she prioritized, whether it’s watching movies or going out to restaurants on a regular basis, or having date night with her husband. She claimed it was because she didn’t need to or want to, but i never truly believed that. Mind you, she did other things that were more home-based like painting, reading, and watching shows. And yet I’m not sure if I’m seeing her through the lens of my life (where I feel like that is lonely) when in fact, maybe it’s exactly what she wanted, and she’s a homebody or introvert. I will never get to know this now.

A part of me wants to create a version that helps me feel better towards the life she had. And yet another part feels more sure that my mom was a product of patriarchal motherhood that idealizes martyrdom. She didn’t know how to live her own life without being on the periphery of her family’s. She didn’t know how to do it because most moms didn’t back then. And if they did have their own life, they were shamed and judged for it; or worse, banished by the other moms who couldn’t fathom that for themselves.

If you are feeling lost, you are not alone. Life is full of transition, curve balls, and changes of the heart. Each need to go through a process in order to be integrated into our life. That can be after a break-up, adapting to life again after the pandemic, or maybe you are in a messy change of heart with your career path. If any of these is the case, start with where you are at – find your presence in the here and now moment. Orient to your surroundings, ground into your body, and from this place ask yourself these questions: 1) What is your want right now? 2) What did your 8-year old self dream for you? 3) What makes your mind body soul smile and relax? These prompts may be just the right dose of inspiration. If not, maybe one of these articles can serve as a starting point.
* How to Find Yourself Again
* 7 Tips to Help Find You When You’re Feeling Lost
* My Dream for Women

“[T]o be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves. It is a tormenting tension and it must be borne, but the choice is clear.” ~ Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Another Year Around the Sun

Posted on by

Another year has passed. Another year faced with challenges amidst moments of joy. I’m sitting in the luxury of my bed and new duvet, reflecting on my year, on my birthday.

The word that held me was RISE. It was such a fitting word as it came up over and over again, repeating its way of anchoring me. This year, i was more intentional in asking myself questions that helped me honour the word. For instance, i would ask myself “how does this decision help me rise?” Or at times, i would call for it to help me rise when i was feeling pulled down.

The other theme that came up, more so unplanned, was PLEASURE. I sought out ways to enhance my pleasure practice, whether it was summer play, food choices, dancing in an embodied way. I had some other key words that also held this word for me: Rest, Initiate, Soften and Enough. I promise, i didn’t even know they spelt RISE until i sat with them a bit. So, between these various words, a theme came forward. Over the course of the year, each word was an extra dose of support. In the early part of the year, i took that time to slow down and rest as i was needed to tend to my children during the hardest part of the year. I didn’t push myself to try new things. I didn’t sign up for more than i had capacity for.

Then in the Spring, i started to notice what i was being called toward. I started to sign up for long-overdue projects and courses. I started to initiate more joy in my body and passion projects. Come summer (my favourite season if i had to pick one), i was ready to soften and bring pleasure in more mindfully. And now, as the year is winding down, i have been telling myself that i am enough. My work is enough, my good is good enough, my effort is enough.

I love how these words hold meaning for my life. They hold me accountable as i find them connected to my values, and what is important to me in order to live my life with love.

This is why the word of the year practice is so grounding for me.

I also wanted to take a moment to reflect on the year under the umbrella of Mind Body Soul alchemy. This balance is so important as it connects us to our deeper meaning. It also shows us what is necessary to heal or hold.

Mind
Wow, did i ever read a lot. I read books for pleasure, as a way to escape, as a way to focus, and to learn. I also took several long coveted courses to better myself as a therapist. I enrolled in a sex therapy course that i have wanted to take since i did my undergrad at University of Guelph in 1998. Talk about a bucket-filling accomplishment! I’m so excited about this endeavour. It has been such a gift for me as i diver deeper in supporting people with their sexual selves. I also did some great somatic-based therapy courses. One was with Peter Levine. He is like the grandpa i never had. I was so honoured to see him live (via Zoom of course) in action, versus a recording or for a short talk. It was icing on the cake that he co-lead this 2 day training on sexual trauma with Kimberly Ann Johnson, one of my mentors. Finally,I am enrolled in a year-long deep dive in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and am really into this as we are looking deeper at the impact of attachment trauma on the body.

I made a point to not enrol in too many courses, but rather balance my learning in other ways as well. This commitment to Rise with my work was because it was my first full year as a full-time private practice therapist. So i took on new challenges: i was a podcast guest (take a listen HERE and HERE if you’d like), i started supervising new therapists and an amazing group program for survivors, as well as a guest speaker in several amazing conferences and courses. This work excites me as it is based on the community work as a feminist therapist.

Not everything has been challenging my mind for work purposes. I have been playing with new ways to have a Beginner’s Mind in my creativity. I have been learning how to play with polymer’s clay to make jewelry. And, i have intentionally been giving my mind rest from unnecessary overwhelm and busy-ness. I’m so grateful i learned the concepts of ‘continuous partial attention’ and ‘soft fascination’ this year!

Body
Dance has been a big part of my life since i could walk as a toddler. It has become even more of an anchor these past 2 years. I have used it as the foundation to help me embody pleasure and joy. I have not been in a yoga class or any in-person community these last 2 years, and i really miss it. I definitely see the benefit of sharing space with others for our nervous systems. I am grateful for shared laughter with neighbours who i am close to, and a hearty chat with a friend on a walk. Recently, i went out with friends for a big dinner out and it was the decadent treat my body and soul needed.

As i have been saturating myself with all things Pleasure this year, i also have been playing more with my own sexual self; i treated myself to some new toys. I also have been tracking my responses to things by listening to my body and what it needs. This has been somewhat transformative as it is really showing me that i can ‘widen my window’ simply by tracking my capacity in a given moment.

One resource that i have been working on is my own breath. A few years ago, BREATHE was my word of the year, and yet i didn’t do it justice. This year, i have been listening to the guidance of Amy Kuretsky and her teachings of breathwork. I also took a course with Annie Bray recently and it further solidified my practice. As a moon lover, following the moon’s rhythm has been a landing even more firmly in this practice.

Soul
After years of playing on the surface of my soul, i now am ready to go a bit deeper. I have been noticing a calling to me. I’m not quite sure what it is, but i know its related to some inner work and reclaiming my feminine self. As i’m on the cusp of this change, the next step in my spiral path will possibly take me to do some goddess soul-searching work. I’m ready and also after this past year, i feel like this work is necessary. I’m excited about this so stay tuned!

Tending to my soul includes Rituals – everyday ones like a burning candle or a morning coffee in the garden. Big ones like honouring holidays and seasons. During the darkest days of lockdown, it was the rituals that kept us afloat. These rhythms that reminded me of my resilience. These are the practices of “soul vitamins” that i cherish.

Another way i nourish my soul is through community. As this was strained this year, i had to work hard at keeping these connection and doses of soul vitamins. Something i did for first time this year was share my card reading ritual. I gifted a reading for a friend’s 50th birthday; i read to friends at an All Hallow’s Eve party; i shared a few readings with community online. This was such a lovely way of sharing more of me, it felt like honouring my calling. As i dive into some Goddess Archetype work, this practice will be a big anchor for me.

Since we were home so much, we took this time to do some home renovations. Some were long overdue necessities, others were painful (read this journal for a reminder!). All were gifts for me soul, as they showed for me how nourished i feel at home. It really is a sanctuary for me. Now that i work almost exclusively from home, this work was even more important. Working from home has its own list of both/and so making some changes helped me keep that balance and boundary that i need to stay within my window.

As i spoke above already, having a word that anchors my year is especially supportive for my soul. This year, i feel like i met my words of RISE – rest initiate soften enough. Now i’m ready for what comes in 2022, and i am holding my place in the unknown.

My words for next year are almost ready. This gentle practice holds space for my feelings and dreams. I am putting the finishing touches on my guide Reflections of the Year booklet. If you want to learn more about this process, you can join me by signing up for my newsletter – the link is here. My next journal will share more about this ritual.

Here’s for another spin around the sun.

Highs and Lows of Healing in Real Time

Posted on by

This summer, i intentionally turned inward a lot and slowed down even more. This sacred pause has given me gifts of soft fascination: I have been in awe of the vast array of city flower gardens in my neighbourhoods. I admired the abundance of honey bees in my own wee garden. I have read books that honour nature and how its resilience can teach us everything about life and living.

My body experienced the benefit of rest and pause, as the foundational need that it is.

I also thought about the inner lives we all have. We all have that inner story – that quiet voice that keeps coming back to us in whispers, a lot of the time in shadows.

One part of my inner story has brought me back to my early curiousity of the Goddess. Not just the Triple Goddess of the Maiden Mother, Wise Woman, but that lush and luminous Goddess figure herself. At my most present and regulated, this is the story i’ve been re-visiting this summer.

I wore summer dresses that helped me embody the Goddess; i ate juicy fruit; i danced in lake water. I wore my long hair down and felt the sweat of summer sun on me.

Our inner story is happening all the time. Sometimes, we are the writers of the story. Other times, we are the audience of our own narrative storyline. Oftentimes, our response to day-to-day interactions comes from our inner story; and it often has nothing to do with the actual interaction. Sometimes, what i think is the story is just the overstory, the backdrop. Sometimes, i am rudely reminded that what i think is the story or point is not, but in fact it is the epilogue that provokes an old, nuanced and hidden story in my body. One that i wanted to long forget.

For instance, this summer i experienced a few revelations that have shown me that i am both further along in my own growth and also still more wounded than I realized. It has shown me that healing is a constant process, and one that is not necessarily linear.

It’s Not about the Paint Job
After living in my own house for over a decade, it was time for us to paint the exterior. The paint was beyond chipping, it was not a colour i liked, and the damage was starting to cause trouble to the integrity of the house. Plus, after being at home almost 24/7 for 18 months this past year, i wanted to be proud of the dwelling i call Home.

I am by no means a seasoned or knowledgeable renovator or handyperson. Getting quotes, calling people to book things, and otherwise trying to speak their language is always something that causes me discomfort and ultimately dysregulation. While i am a child of a self-employed house framer by trade, my own father’s understanding of home repairs was foreign to me.

When it came time to go ahead with the project, we were very confused, surprised and disappointed with the whole experience. I am grateful that the colour is something i love, but the work of the “professional painting company” was a very far stretch from the word professional. They literally splatted paint on my neighbours own newly painted walls. Twice. They splattered paint on our front doors and windows, and on so many other things. We were in constant conflict, and by the last day, when we had to ask again for them to do a better job, and to actually do what they were contracted to, my body was screaming for me to listen to her.

I am conflict-adverse. My need for Flight is pretty prominent. As a woman, i was socialized to be a People Pleaser and to avoid conflict. I think most people are conflict avoidant, to some degree. And yet, conflict is inevitable.

At first i thought it was my fear of conflict and negative feedback that made me feel so nauseous. Maybe it was my people-pleasing part that struggled when my breath was shallow. My inner Nice Girl was wanting to throw up inside. Ultimately, i had to slow down and really take stock of what was happening. I realized it was a Wounded Exile Part that has been quiet and in the shadows for years: My Inner Teen who was hurt too many times and did not trust smarmy boys with false promises. Boys who are pushy and have egos that get in the way of their own vulnerability. This crew of young painters embodied that.

So, i chose to honour my body and listen to her. My partner stepped in to support me and used his own skills of conflict resolution and non-violent communication. I realized that while a part of me – my more present Manager part – was angry at myself for not being assertive and demanding better, my more compassionate parts just wanted to do what was best for me. Ultimately, we settled for less than perfect but i was happy to be done in the end, and able to address our needs. My voice was not as vocal as i wanted and yet my body was telling me all i had to hear.

I chose to listen to her and not override that she needed love, attention and care. My Manager was disappointed but my Inner Child felt seen.

The Waterfall Heals All
Immediately after this experience, i went away camping. Like that same day. For weeks, i was looking forward to this weekend away with friends. It was long-overdue time together. On one of our adventures, we went to a local watering hole that was known to have a waterfall. As this weekend was the final days of an epic heat wave, this spot was a perfect remedy to cool down. My Inner Goddess was also so excited as it has been my fantasy to swim under a waterfall for years.

When we got to the spot to climb down, my stomach went into flutters: It was a steep, slippery climb down. I told myself that i couldn’t do it. Who did i think i was, a sprite young thing? A reckless child?

The only thing to hold onto the rock wall was a sketchy looking rope. It took me a moment or two of quiet discernment to scan if i didn’t just WANT to do it but also that i was CAPABLE to.

This was a calculated moment of pendulating between a fear state versus an embodied sense of knowing i could do it.

I chose that i could do it.

Once i made that first step down, i knew i always knew i could do it. It was that fine balance of calculated and exquisite risk. It was also that perfect remedy, a counter to what my body felt only a few days prior.

That initial victim or exiled worried girl who showed up just days prior was met in the eyes and told she could do it. I held her with love. This climb down to the water was the perfect healing antidote to remind me that my body does know. She also felt vindicated. All my parts felt seen and i was actively in my most present self – she who is calm, curious, clear, and compassionate.

The water was a glorious gift at the end of the climb. I spotted my whole family as they came down and it made me even more excited for future waterfall adventures.

Tara Brach talks about “real but not true” as a beautiful resource to help us notice if the thoughts and feelings we are having are taking over us. Sometimes our mind and body play tricks on us as a way of protecting us. Yet we need to fact check how real is the feeling, how factual is the thought. Even by inserting the possibility that it may not be true, that lessens the fear that’s taking over our body.

When you are pondering if the fear you have in a given moment is real or true, ask yourself “who would you be if this fear or feeling was not real?” Remind yourself that this feeling may be true but is not real – it is based on old worries and is trying to protect you from getting hurt now.

Story Follows State – most of the time
Our body responses aren’t always about a trauma story. Sometimes it’s also just what is familiar in our bodies over time. Our body stores its own memories from repeated events, like riding a bike or rolling pizza dough. For instance, as someone who grew up swimming in oceans and lakes with a shoreline, it wasn’t common practice for me to canoe or kayak, let alone be in a boat. So as my family has access to a cottage with various types of boats now, I had this identity that I didn’t know how to paddle a kayak.

More recently, i have fallen in love with paddle boarding (SUP), a close cousin to my love of surfing. Now, what i do know is how to stand on a paddle board and use a paddle. Being on a SUP is one of my happy places. It provides moments of peace and embodied joy for me. I also feel fearless, strong and powerful on it.

This summer, when planning to go to a local beach near the cottage, we only could get there by kayak and canoe. I had said to myself (and outloud) that I didn’t know how to kayak let alone canoe. I had that beautiful moment where I noticed what I said and checked myself. Of course i know how to kayak – it’s not that different from paddling a SUP. It was a moment of challenging my thought about myself, and realizing that my body was more capable about doing something than i gave credit. It was my inner story who said that I couldn’t do it. What an amazing moment of reckoning and reclaiming of what I can do.

Not only did i get to that beach, i showed my daughter that it was possible to do something we have never done before. My body felt so strong after, and the beach was even more pleasurable and empowering than getting a ride there would have been.

It’s moments like this where we notice that our thoughts are always true and that the facts live with the body as it knows better.

The sweet reward is a waterfall waiting for you at the end of a rope.

Rise into a New Year

Posted on by

It’s 12 days into 2021. Today is the first New Moon of 2021 so a perfect time to look at the year ahead, with a strong back and soft heart. I’m still not convinced i feel the shift of a new year yet. So much lingers from last year: My kids are doing remote-learning from home as all school-age children are in my province; Covid cases are at a drastic high; and the cold winter days make it hard to feel in contact with nature.

And yet we press on. Because we are resilient and because we have to. It’s not easy, and i know my version is easier than most – I’m in a secure relationship with my partner, I have worked consistently during the pandemic, and we are healthy. Some of my resilience and reality comes from privilege, white privilege namely, as well as living in Canada.

I am also privileged because i am a therapist who is resourced with tools to take care of my mental health. Most of the time i know what to do. As an imperfect human, there are times that my humanness during the pandemic gets in the way of my Therapist Part. Most of the time, I’m okay with that. I have learned that my reflection and response to my children when in conflict is as important to being perfectly regulated in the first place. I am not always perfectly regulated because, well, Covid. And being attuned to my own body’s needs is a relatively new tool. I am modelling for them and for my own Inner Child that apology for snapping at them, or being inpatient is not their fault, nor is it mine. It’s because I’m stretched thin and needing to rest. Rest that does not come easily these days.

So i use the energy and guidance of the moon to help set a pace for me. I am slowly down my to-do list this week and giving myself permission to not be productive. There is no need to rush ahead.

I’m not a fan of New Year’s Resolutions as they set us up to fail, compete, and produce. Rather, i sit and take stock inwards, and listen to what is aligning within me. I also sit with what the collective needs, and what is moving me forward instead of staying stuck.

Each year, i have been reflecting on the year that was and planning intentions for the year about to begin. This help me set guideposts of intentions for my coming year. This ritual also helps me get a sense of how to pace myself and live my life fully. Like many of us, 2020 threw me a for a loop. I sat with core words like reflect, rest, reset, intention, strength, safety, empathy, and encourage. And while all the words sounded good, they just didn’t speak to what my body was quietly and consistently whispering.

In the final months of 2020, i saw where i was able to show up for myself, my family and community. I also saw where that was harder for me. I came face to face with my needs and realities and did an evaluation of what was at the core for me.

For instance, i love to learn, both personal courses like learning how to do macrame, as well as professional development. And yet, when i continue to be a perpetual student, i don’t always have the energy to step into the learning and allow time for a new role to emerge. After several courses in 2020 (i think it was a record high of 12), i am taking a pause and stepping sideways.

I rise.

I am stepping into the wings of the emergent butterfly, the phoenix using from the ashes of 2020, and of the moon showing its wisdom in all its phases.

I don’t mean I’m going to rise and and claim space that is not mine, or even to assume I’m an expert, but rather rise my head up high and take what is mine to feel proud of. To not stay quiet, to walk with an embodied dignity, grace, and confidence. This is what my core essence is speaking to, to calling me towards.

“Just like moons and like suns with the certainty of tides, just like hopes springing high, still i RISE” Maya Angelou

I rise as a white woman who wants to do the hard work of addressing and challenging white supremacy.
I rise as a feminist who is a mother raising feminists and co-conspirators for change
I rise as an adult who wants to be wild, free, and fully human
I rise as a woman who wants to embody her feminine strength
I rise as a therapist who knows, shares, and loves working with people to heal from trauma
I rise as a human who is working on healing her Inner Child Part who wants to Play
I rise as a being who is attuning to her mind body soul
I rise as a partner who is working on her reactions versus seeping knowing around what she needs in the moment
I rise as a leader who has been doing work on healing trauma and gender-based violence for over 20 years
I rise as the imperfect person who believes that change is possible

What does that mean? Well, stay tuned for some exciting projects i have in the works. For now, there are two things i want to share with you.

Reflections of the Year Guidebook
First, i created a workbook to help you find your word, goals, or dreams for 2021. After years of doing others, i compiled and created a guidebook that speaks to me. It’s a 14 page booklet that you can get and use for yourself. All you have to do is – click the link to get your own free copy!

Secondly, the other word that kept coming to me was REST. Rest my mind body soul after the hard year of 2020. Honour the need for us all to rest, as we learned that more than anything, we need to rest during collective trauma, not be productive worker bees. Yes, we can pivot and work from home, but should we? I definitely didn’t want the blurred lines of work and home balance.

Then, i made a connection to something else that is near and dear to me – supporting women who have experienced abuse and trauma. A big part of my work journey to now has been supporting women (many who are parents) who have developmental trauma and/or experienced intimate partner violence. As the trauma impacts all aspects of who they are, it’s no surprise that parenthood has been made even challenging.

So, I give you REST – Resources for Empowerment and Support after Trauma.

No one else can empower someone. Each of us has capacity to be resilient and heal after trauma. This is at the essence of post-traumatic growth. We cannot do this work in isolation or alone. This is where collective healing comes into fruition.

This has been a big part of my individual support to people, and I’m excited to see where this chapter takes me next. As community is so important to me, I hope to foster a community via groups, webinars, and some other intentional sharing of resources. I have been sitting in stillness and have had my thoughts lead me to some great ideas! So, stay tuned for more articles, resources, and programs coming up later this year…