Tag Archives: healthy relationship

Blooming Together: The Growth of a Relationship

Posted on by

This month honours a milestone for me – my partner and i have been together more than not, as we celebrate 25 years together. A quarter of a century. This also comes with other moments to celebrate: My partner and i are officially in mid-life. He turned 50 last year and my own big day is around the corner this year. We see the evidence of mid-life as we have embraced our grey hairs, change in eye sight, my own new friend Perry – perimenopause – as well as the less obvious changes like our soul awakening and the shifts that have happened with our children.

With midlife for parents comes the graduation of no longer being school-age parents. I am now a mother to teenagers. One kid is half-way through high school and has their first summer job, and my youngest is entering her last year of middle school. We are celebrating some magical numbers in my house indeed – 13, sweet 16, and 50!

Our wedding celebration is in mid-July, and in the wise words of Stephen Jenkinson, it offers a punctuation of sorts, a time to pause and reflect on who we are becoming as a couple, as well as honouring who we once were. It is more of a semi-colon rather than a full stop, as life continues to spiral and dance in this meandering way.

Over these last few years, i have been a student of the sacred feminine and well as in soul school. With this comes a lot of confusion. On my part because i never grew up religious or spiritual, and definitely in the eyes of my partner who grew up in a very religious community. As i immersed myself in learning about Mary Magdalene, i was met with curiosity at the best of times, judgement at time, and also just mere fascination at times. With these studies came a learning about the Sacred Union and twin flames concepts. In spiritual terms, a sacred union is when both partners embody both genders energetically.

I’m still digesting what this all means. What my own studies have shown me is the concepts of individuation and differentiation from Carl Jung’s work. It has also offered my partner and i a chance to embody a stage in our adult development that is connected to our deeper sense of self, one that has a (red) thread to our soul.

My partner’s first glances were of concern and confusion with my path but his next steps have helped him find his footing in his own path. Not only do i no longer need his approval, but we know have a felt sense of belonging to ourselves and also belonging together. We fit perfectly together, as the crown of my head rests in the exact spot near his heart and should for me to nestle in.

This is our version of a sacred union. We don’t have to be twin flames of sameness to also mirror each other.

Last year, right after he turned 50, my partner and i started pulling tarot and oracle cards together, as well as did a red thread inspired hand fasting ceremony of sorts under the feet of The Lady of Woodstock. It was our commitment to each other, to stay true to our path and also a way to honour our shared experience.

“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognize inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honor what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.” Heidi Priebe

We have gone through many seasons as a couple – a long distance honeymoon and early initiation that almost broke us before we truly began, highs like uniting together while living overseas in Kazakhstan (ask me about this life-changing experience if you like), and the ebbs and flow of parenthood. There have been griefs, shared orgasms, and everything in between. And each stage offers a death stage of the one before.

I like to think of my relationship like the growth process of a rose. This perennial flower that grows each year has to go through stages in order to blossom again and again. It needs to be nourished, seen, harvested and pruned regularly. May your relationship have the chance to bloom. It is called a symbol of love for a reason!

Something that can help is the Rose Bud Thorn Seed practice that many of us use as a way to reflect on something, be it at work, for our children or as feedback in a group program. In the context of an intimate relationship, these questions can be used beautifully. I have created some prompts that may help you:
Rose – What is blooming and alive in your relationship right now?
Bud – What is something in your relationship that is newly growing and you are excited about?
Thorn – In what area of your relationship is there something that feels stuck or challenging?
Rosehip – What is something that needs tending to or nurturing in order for your relationship to get
to a new place of growth and bloom? (think of this as a seed that needs to be planted)

Couples go through stages that can last weeks, months or even years. Similar to our inner seasons, a couple’s season can be stuck in a liminal space of no longer honeymoon playfulness and not quite break-up worthy. We are in the in-between, like the goo of a chrysalis. This happens often to partners who are parents together. When we don’t recognize or acknowledge the relationship for having gone through an almost invisible rite of passage, we can experience a lull. Knowing about the stages relationships go through can be very helpful as they offer a map of sorts. We are meant to be becoming new, evolving and maturing. Our becoming is also our undoing.

When i get lost on my spiral path, i remember that i have been here before. And wiser folks than me have created maps for us. I am inspired by Carl Jung’s alchemical change with spiritual development and Arnold van Gennep’s Rites of Passage theory.I am also inspired by Jessie Harrold’s take on rites of passage with her Stages of Radical Transformation. She uses the elements very wisely in her book Mothershift, and her example of motherhood breaks down the way the process flows beautifully. I think it can be pivoted well for relationship that moves toward deepening and enrichment. It’s a more elemental and magical way compared to Susan Campbell’s Stages of Relationship Building that i spoke about in a previous journal article.

These stages of transformation offer a perspective on how we can evolve as a couple, so that we may mature and re-align together. For many couples, one party may be evolving at a different rate. That might be in their career, hobbies, or spirituality. This happens often when couples become parents together, and one is experiencing matrescence in a more transformative way. When both parties are dancing at a similar pace and process, it helps them go through a transformation together. They are becoming something new together – The relationship experiences a rite of passage of sorts.

In her theory, we start by landing on Earth. This is where we get our feet grounded in the soil to help us anchor and really get a lay of the land, if you will. What has changed about the landscape of your relationship, what has remained the same? This is a good moment to take stock and do an inventory of sorts. We need to know where we are before we can map where we are going.

Next, we flow to the element of Water, which honours something we know is now ending by sitting with grief. This pause gives us space and intentionality to really see with a ‘grief lens’ what has come to a natural end. It might be well merited or heartbreaking. It still needs to be composted and released to the waters. We flow more fluidity when we are with our loss first. Using the example of having children, it helps to grieve that freedom you may have had as a young couple to go on dates, to stay up late, or to not feel tethered to parenthood.

Now we move towards Air, where the saying could not be more apt: everything truly is up in the air. This is a perfect moment to course correct and also give a change to a new way. We are just moving through the liminal space of that was then, this is now. Air is connected to our thoughts and what is held in our mind. Since change happens through the experience of a catalysing moment, it’s helpful to reflect on what brought your relationship to this point. More specifically, what has gotten in the way and solidified by default? This step cannot be disregarded or bypassed, and it usually is because so many of us are afraid to do the new thing, the third option of taking risk and finding our growth edge. This is what Susan Campbell calls Stabilization, we continue around in a broken loop. Air offers us a chance to come to the surface and not drown in our default.

If we are so lucky to find a life jacket, and come up for air, we get the gift of alchemy. The Fire that reminds us of the passion that brought is into the relationship in the first place. This last stage is dedicated to the element of Fire. This is where we most often skip to or skip altogether. We forget that the excitement of fire needs to be tended to so that the embers don’t fall away to ash.

Here, Jessie offers the practice of Tiny Experiments. These are small and more doable incremental things that you can practice. In the context of a relationship that is evolving, here are some possible tiny experiments:

* Couples Meetings – Call it what you will, a Moon Meeting or Relationship Ritual – but i stand by these meetings that are NOT dates. They offer a chance to do the managerial parts of life without making them the only time to be together. Sit with your calendar and create a shared one, discuss upcoming appointments, plans and tasks. If it sounds like a business meeting, it is – the work of your relationship needs it.

* Mini-Dates – Take turns to create one each week – a song and drink, sitting on the front porch or balcony. These are called mini for a reason, a tiny and doable way to get quality time together. I expand on this below.

* Reach Out when Apart – The Wise elders that are the Gottmans have a term, Connection Bids. I find that so many couples don’t speak the same language, so their requests for connection pass each other like ships in the night. This happens too with words of affection or appreciation. More often than not, what gets articulated are our complaints or criticism, not our admiration or compliments. Send a text throughout the day, or a funny instagram reel. It doesn’t have to be big to let your beloved know you are thinking about them.

It’s important to remember that the stages are not linear per se because they live more in a spiral path, and they unfortunately don’t flow in an organized and even rhythm. Some relationships may live in one elemental stage for years. Maybe one of the elements jumped out at you and resonated with you?

If that is true, don’t worry, there is hope for you yet. This is where relationship therapy, couples counselling, retreats, and so many other resources come in. You don’t have to go to therapy to work in your relationship, but all relationships do require some work – elbow grease and all! If it’s not scary, it’s not intimacy – it requires growth and finding an edge so that you move past comfort zone.

We have to nourish the relationship, tend to this rose garden, and it takes work, just like a garden that needs to be tended to, or our own body that needs nutrients.

As a therapist who works with couples, intimacy, pleasure and healthy relationships, i practice what i preach and live by example. My partner is a non-violent communicator by training and we are both dancing with grief and soul work. So we come by this milestone of 25 years together honestly and humbly. We have learned a few things along the way though, and so i wanted to share some key take-aways from us.

1) Communication is the Key Ingredient
I am pretty sure i have said this before here, and yet it always merits being the first thing i suggest to folks. Learn how to communicate so that you are heard, not just being able to say what is on your mind and in your heart. Communication is more than speaking and it requires active listening on both sides, as well as modelling what we need. It is not just what we say but how we say it, and that doesn’t always mean with our words. Our action and non-verbal cues speak volumes.

2) Make Time for Pleasure and Presence
You may be sharing a life together but maybe it has started to look more like managing a business together rather than an intimate life. When was your last date or shared experience of pleasure? I don’t just mean sexual intimacy but also a shared laugh, cry, mutual delight in a road trip or watermelon? And of course, finding what turns you on sexually can start with the senses that make you feel alive in your everyday.

How do you take time to be present with your beloved? This is a good time to think of these Tiny Experiments i mentioned earlier. How do you microdose pleasure so that you can be more present with your partner?

3) Spend Quality Time Together and Alone
Speaking of spending time together, this is when you pull out your shared calendars and intentionally book time off to be together. You can co-create the date or take turns. What matters is that you take to experience joy, pleasure, and tend to that fire that brought you together in the first place. We need to prioritize shared experiences and appreciate each other’s company. When we forget to do that or take it for granted, the work of relationships forgets the point of it – we are on the same team and we love each other.

We also need to spend time apart as well as together. It is healthy in relationships to have some independent interests and hobbies. This is what Carl Jung calls Differentiation – the ability to stay secure about each other’s interests especially when they are not shared.

4) Notice Which Part of You is in the Driver’s Seat
When we learn what our needs and limits are, it helps to stay in what Internal Family Systems calls ‘Self’ energy. When we can hold this energy, we feel connected, calm, curious, compassionate, and clear about our needs and the moment at hand. So often, our Parts get activated by a conflict or potential one, and it is them that are arguing with other people’s Parts. When we start to be mindful and attuned to our personal Back Story, the Parts don’t take the front seat.

The next time you are in a heated discussion with your partner, as yourself if this feels like the familiar shutdown of your teenage self, or a tantrum of your former childhood. These are Parts that carry burdens, fears and agendas for you know. They can be incorporated into you and have a new role and more appropriate agenda. If you want to learn more about how to get to know your Parts and how they show up in intimate relationships, this book is a fabulous resource.

5) Appreciation
We all have basic needs to matter and be valued. This is hardwired into our body, in our nervous system’s social engagement system. Our basic needs of safety, security and being seen as infants evolves into this more rich need to belong, to truly matter and be celebrated. Similar to missed connection bids, our words of affection or appreciation do not always land as they are meant.. More often than not, what gets articulated are our complaints or criticism, not our admiration or compliments.

We need to be seen, and seen in our goodness. Similar to a deficit in nutrients, we may experience a “nourishment barrier” when the care that is being offered to us isn’t felt in our body, whether it is an insufficient amount or an inadequate offering.

Is it hard to receive love and compliments because you have barriers to being nourished? A trauma imprint gets in the way of nourishment because we continue to scan for safety. It becomes a core wound that imbeds in our body, like a parasite that gets in the way of being nourished by love. This may lead to struggles with low self-worth and feeling like you don’t matter or deserve praise. How do you receive compliments? Does it feel awkward to have attention on you that supports you, validates or recognizes you for your amazing work? Do you turn inward, blush or push away the kind words? This type of barrier can be a way we deny ourselves kindness or appreciation because it makes us feel vulnerable and exposed.

I know that these suggestions are bite-size tastes to what you can do if your relationship is stuck in a rut, or in a long Watery Winter season. I can assure you that when you all agree to the work of tending to your relationship garden, you can grow a beautiful perennial rose garden. And if roses aren’t your jam, wildflowers and a plethora of options are available – just stay away from the foxglove (wink).

Speaking of what may be blooming, i have exciting news! My partner and i have been growing together and i’m so grateful that our gardens co-exist and compost together. We have found an inner rose garden to tend together. Inspired by our 25 years together, we are co-creating a workshop for couples who need a bit more support with their relationship garden. If you live in the Toronto area, stay tuned for some delicious and deep offerings this Fall, where we can help you care for your relationship. We will blend traditional couples counselling with non-violent communication, nervous system support, ritual and a microdose of pleasure and play.

We Avoided a Date with Disaster

Posted on by

Last month, i shared some ways couples can recommit to their intimate relationship after becoming parents. This month, i’m back with a new article about intimate relationships and i’m sharing a story about my own trials and mistakes.

It’s been a few months since my partner and i have had a proper date. And by that, i mean getting dressed up and going out on the town. We make the intention to have lots of quality time and also sneak in mini-dates into our life regularly. And yet, we do need that special kind of date from time to time.

And so when we put the plan together to go to a new cute drinks spot, i was pretty excited. It was a Saturday night and i dressed up – i wore heels and a dress, and pulled out a vintage clutch instead of my usual purse. It was an added bonus that is new spot was in our own neighbourhood.

Neither of us wanted to drive because we wanted some tasty drinks and it was too close to deem a taxi worthy. So, when we walked a mere 2 blocks from our front door, i couldn’t help but wonder if the clouds in the night sky looked daunting, and more than just natural darkness.

Let me back up and explain that it’s my partner who is the ‘weather guy.’ He has an app he always refers to, and we ask him every morning to tell us the weather. He’s our go-to in-house weather forecaster. So, i guess a part of me assumed he already looked at the weather and deemed it worthy of the walk.

The first mistake is that i assumed this. The second is that i didn’t explicitly ask him to drive because i didn’t want to. The third mistake is that i didn’t look at the weather app because i wanted to wear heels and i dress – i don’t have to rely on others for this.

And so, we decided to keep walking and take the risk. We were barely past our own street when the rain started. Our wishful thinking and glass-half full perspective did not keep the clouds away.

And the rainclouds sure opened. We had to run for cover and wait out the rain for a few minutes. We were too far gone to go back, and i knew if we were to go home our night (let alone date and good humour) was spoiled.

You’d think the heat rising from inside me would have been enough to keep me dry.

So, it took me a few minutes to catch my breath and bearings, and to also sit with what i was feeling. Sure, i was mad and maybe a bit rage-y. I was also disappointed and frustrated. And my partner was too.

In the past, my bad mood may have made us turn around and go back home. Not only because i was wet and didn’t want to go out, but also because i would not have been pleasant company. This time, i noticed how i was feeling, and what resources i had within me to self-regulate and get back to Self energy. I knew my partner was grateful for this and he also wanted to go on the date, and it wasn’t his fault it rained on us. And he also was entitled to want a drink, and not have to drive for once. I knew this in my heart, so i was able to quiet that critical voice and my Inner Complainer, so that we could keep walking and enjoy our night.

And we did – we got to the bar, the rain stopped (in that order), and we had a lovely night.

I’m sharing this because i want to be transparent as a human who also happens to be a therapist who supports couples, and has a partner who is trained as a Non-Violent Communication facilitator who works with men. We are imperfect works in progress. And, we are witnessing our own healing and progress in real time.

Recently when my partner told me that he was afraid to tell me that an ember burned our pillow, i realized the narrative i have about myself being easy to talk to and easy-going is not necessarily true. That is absolutely true as a therapist and yet it can still be hard for my partner to be vulnerable with me, especially when he has to tell me something he did. My Inner Fiery Dragon was a strong protector of me, and yet she can be scary for others to repair things with. I get that.

So, what can we do, you ask?
Remember, it should not be a given that a relationship is inevitable, let alone happy indefinitely. All relationships take work simply because we are constantly evolving as humans, or at least we hope we are. So, get ready to learn, read, talk, question, and reflect on how you are doing on your side of the relationship coin.

A great place to start is to learn about your relationship with conflict. Do you know what your conflict style is? I’m not the type of therapist who will do personality quizzes with you. Partly because i find them simplistic, and also because i don’t think they showcase our full story. And yet, one way to really sit in the discomfort about the role we play in conflict is to notice a pattern. Do i hide my head in the sand like my pet turtle? Or do my teeth glare out like a shark or tiger? Does my body become soft like a fawn or teddy bear or is there wisdom in my response like an owl? Maybe instead of using animals as a mirror, how about looking at these typical ways we respond to conflict: Accommodating, Avoiding, Compromising, Competing, and Collaborating? Do any of these sound familiar to you – be honest! If you’re stuck, this article can be a great start to look into this more.

As a couples counsellor myself, one of my favourite resources about befriending our conflict style comes from the work of Sue Johnson and Emotionally Focused Therapy. She shares that we need to learn a new dance with others in order to break stuck patterns, be it an intimate relationship or other kind of connection. So a good place to start is to take a kind self-critical lens and really think about your own pattern when conflict shows up.

I know many of us are afraid to think about worst-case scenarios, and we may avoid looking at the cobwebs in the corner. I think knowledge is power so i appreciate knowing why a relationship may struggle or fail. A few main reasons are: a lack of growing, developing and evolving in parallel ways; getting stuck on differentiation, lack of repair after rupture that leads to emotional pain and trauma (triggers still alive); or lack skills and support to help them move past this stuckness.

So it bears knowing that developmental hurdles happen as a couple, whether it is after becoming parents or if one of is on a new journey in life. We may struggle with Differentiation, which is a manifestation of true individualism. This means we can acknowledge and trust that our inner experience is separate from someone else’s, and that’s not only okay but valuable. Our attachment style can impact our ability to trust that our opinions and thoughts about something doesn’t have to be questioned or minimized by someone else if we don’t share the same idea. In this article, Dr. Ellyn Bader shares more about what differentiation looks like.

I’ve been reading Dr. Tracy Dalgleish’s new book, I Didn’t Sign up for This. In it, she shares stories from her own marriage as well as other relationships to help the reader know they are not alone. The book is filled with resources and support, and i found her 4 C’s especially useful. This comes from her own work and research as a couples therapist. It describes the ingredients of Collaboration, Compassion, Connection, and Curiosity as important felt sense experiences to help couples get back to their Selves in a relationship. This connects to the individualism that is necessary for healthy relationships, and are the catalysts to repair after ruptures.

I also really value John and Julie Gottman’s work with couples and families. In fact, i have done training in their appraoch as a therapist and their research has become an integral part of my own growth and development as a human in a committed relationship. Since i didn’t have my own healthy models to look to growing up, learning this was important for me. They have a plethora of resources and have been on many, many podcasts and shows. Here is just one recent podcast that i found to be a great resource.

Oh how I wish this was taught in school. Back then for Little vania and now for my own kids now.

More than my Baby Daddy: Becoming Parents and Staying Together

Posted on by

Having a child is a life-altering portal for everyone, regardless of how you crossed the threshold. Since parenthood is a rite of passage, we become someone who never existed before. I used to cringe when i heard that giving birth to a baby meant that we too are newborn mothers and parents. Now i understand that a new version of me was indeed birthed when i evolved into motherhood.

This sea change also impacts the couple as they are also all-together new beings as co-parents.

Many couples have to find their way back to each other after becoming parents. This is a natural occurrence as it takes time to learn how to be in this new role as a parent. We need to sacrifice other parts of us so that we can integrate this new role into our life. The sacrifice is meant to be temporary. What makes it hard is that there is no map or guidance on how to come back to centre. We will never be who we were before as a childless couple. And yet, i think one thing that sets couples up for failure is the unrealistic expectation that they just ‘bounce back’ into their own way of being together. We assume that we just add a child to our life and it all goes back to the way it was.

Now that my own kids are older, i am starting to feel the integration of motherhood into the rest of who i am. More specifically, i am finding ways to balance my main roles, including the role of partner.

My partner and have been together for over 20 years, 15 of them as parents. These last few years have been some of our biggest growth years. We have come to know that our evolutions are mostly parallel journeys, if not always at the same place or pace. In my own relationship, we’re lucky that we are on similar aligned paths. I know this isn’t always true for many families.

It’s not lost on me that i may have an advantage as a therapist who specializes in life transitions and matrescence. I’m also a couples therapist and one of the main areas i specialize in is the transition of parenthood and how it impacts intimate relationships. I support others through areas i have lived experience in so i have been reflecting on what worked for us, i’ve come to see that we did some key things subconsciously.

I often get asked what my secret is to a lasting intimate relationship. It’s such a gift when others comment on witnessing my love with my partner. So i wanted to share some of the main takeaways that have helped me maintain and flourish in my partnership.

Human Development Stages
Growth and development isn’t just for kids. Our foot size may not be growing anymore, but that doesn’t mean we are done evolving as humans. The growth and maturation just happens in our psyche and emotional realms, or at least it should.

Becoming a parent is just one of the stages that fall into adulthood. It’s right up there with getting your first ‘real’ job, buying a home or signing a lease, finding chosen family and community, and paying taxes. Like all of these very adult tasks, becoming a parent isn’t just something that happens to our body and happens on weekends. It’s an all-encompassing sea change and is meant to turn us upside down.

We need to learn how to become something new. It’s not enough to assume a role, as that will not be enough to full integrate this rite of passage. When one of us takes on the task to learn more about becoming a parent, it serves both parents to benefit from this. And yet what happens more often is that the other parent falls into a default way of parenting as they were parented. This can lead to defensive when advice or information is shared. Knowing some of the key issues new parents face in their relationship is a great first step.

One of the most significant learnings i have benefited from in my own development is understanding Attachment Theory and attachment styles. We don’t have one stuck style, and we can absolutely heal an insecure one. This growth fits in well when we are setting intentions to mature into who we are not as an adult, versus getting stuck in our earlier versions and wounded former parts. Knowing how to heal your attachment style so you can have a reparative experience with your own child is a key component in embracing your developmental stage. This has been a huge healing edge for my own parenting journey.

Relationship Building
It is helpful to know what stage of a relationship you are in – not just how long you have been with your partner. Susan M. Campbell has a brilliant theory that highlights stages of building a deeper connection with your partner. These 5 stages of relationship building move any relationship through a process. While she first created it for intimate couples, i think this works for any relationship.

Romance is the first stage. It is when we are so excited by this new match, there are feelings of infatuation and limerance fostered by oxytocin. This is the honeymoon stage, and can last up to 6 to 9 months. After a few months of getting to know each other, Power Struggles start to show up. This marks the time of uncertainty. For many couples, this is the dance they start to cycle though. If the relationship is strong enough, the couple can progress to a stage of Stabilization.

A lot of relationships cycle through these first 3 stages. When a baby comes along, this is a great opportunity for the parents to make a Commitment to learn more skills about communication, conflict resolution, division of labour, and time to get rest. This next stage of relationship building is crucial to get to the ultimate stage of Co-Creation and Bliss. It is necessary to intentionally commit to the relationship again as a couple, and not just a level of understanding as co-parents.

If you want to know more about this theory of relationship building, i love how Jessica shared some insight about attachment styles as they impact the stages on her podcast HERE. Also this article does a wonderful job in reframing some of the stages – Initiation, Experimentation, Intensify, Integrate and Bond. I really appreciate this update as it lands for my own system with more ease.

Village Members
One thing that can help us feel more solid in our footing is to know that we are not alone in this newness. We may feel like a fawn just newly standing and being expected to run into this new life full steam ahead. And yet, while we have never done this before, many have.

This is where village comes in, and why it is so important in fact. I also know that finding this said village is so much harder than it should be, and even used to be. As social creatures, it is so helpful that we can have space to talk about what is coming up for you. I love being happily surprised when my situation is reflected in others i chat with. That could be connecting with a new friend in yoga class about motherhood, or another student about menstrual cycles, or maybe your cousin at the next family gathering. Being vulnerable is a wonderful alchemizing quality that lessens our assumed aloneness or shame.

Of course, having this community is not always possible: When you don’t have elders in your life, or the people you know that are parents are not your role models, it helps that we have other ways to create a village.

As a book lover, i always fall back on books as my main resource. There is something so comforting about knowing that a book was researched, written, approved and published tells me that i’m so not alone in this stage of life. Now, we also have social media (for better or worse, it’s like it’s own marriage). I also love podcasts and of course, a good blog!

Some of my favourite books on this specific topic are:
*Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents by Kara Hoppe and Stan Tatkin
*To Have and to Hold: Motherhood, Marriage and the Modern Dilemma by Molly Millwood
*The Gottmans and their plethora of books and more here

House Meetings
I know this seems too much like a work meeting, but i promise having a meeting with your beloved about the business side of life can really uncouple all the work from the intimacy. If we are partnered or in a committed relationship when we become a new parent, it is important to have regular conversations with your partner. Talk about things like what is coming up for the week with social engagements and meetings or appointments. Share things you have learned about parenting, or ways to alleviate the mental load. Share resources, have a book club with 2 members!

Take time to create your shared values and needs list. As a place to start, this article shares some key ones. Many people in relationships are surprised to find that what they think is a shared core value is in fact not a shared priority with their beloved. It is the shared values and needs that keep us aligned on a paths in life. They can manifest in things like how housework is done, or when to book a date night. These are the ways to put needs and values into action.

Keep Things Intimate
I don’t mean to jump right back into bed after having a bed. At least, not unless it’s to have a real nap! But I do know that we still need to feel intimacy with our partners. A lot of us are touched out after having a child, especially in the case of the primary caregiver. And yet intimacy doesn’t always have to be more physical touch, but can be beautiful gestures and offerings that foster co-regulation and connection.

This helps us stay in each other’s orbit just enough so that when it does feel that time is aligned, it’s not as hard to jump past these blocks that were put up. And then we can come back to a more regular date night and routine.

In a recent blog article on Momwell, they talk about how different sex drives can impact a couple. This is even more intensified when a baby comes along AND the mental load is not balanced. I really appreciate how they name consent, timing, focus, and pleasure as key tenets of fostering a shift in our responsive sex drive.

It’s also important for the non-primary parent to remember the struggle for the one at home with a new baby is a struggle of duality – the dance of becoming a sexual woman and also a mother. These two archetypes or roles have been quite polarized. I talk more about this in a previous journal article – you can read it here.

I personally really love focusing on what seems like little things – rituals and routines, intentional dates that honour mutual delight, and connection bids that enhance attunement. These are the daily practices that have helped my partner and i through the darkest times as new parents. When we didn’t have energy, time, or resources for any significant date nights, we always had access to cuddles, appreciation and dinners by candlelight.

I want to end with a gentle reminder that all relationships take work and communication, as well as a focus on our Self. Even the great Esther Perel, a renowned couples and relationship therapist, has shared she wanted to leave her husband at times: “It isn’t so much that we leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become.”

Lean into Love: The Ultimate Ultimatum

Posted on by

I’m not one for reality TV shows. I think they sometimes feel too close to my work life and I want to be able to get a break by immersing myself in fantasy with a fictional TV show. I also sometimes just don’t want to be reminded of the messiness of humanity. My body can’t relax when I’m watching so much cringe behaviour.
And yet when I saw not even a trailer, but just the title cover on Netflix of the new show The Ultimatum: Queer Love, I knew that I was going to be hooked. I feel like you can’t go wrong when a show about real love and relationship also highlights (and in fact centres) queer love and lesbian relationships specifically. A show like this is necessary to portray not only the diversity of relationships but also what healthy relationships can look like. And to be clear, we can all learn a lot about love from lesbian relationships. For anyone who doesn’t know the story, the show is about couples where one person who gives their partner of some time the ultimatum to propose to be married or the relationship is over. Over the course of 2 months, they then can “date” other participants on the show to see if other (better) fish are out there.

Okay, i feel called to say that it’s not lost on me that i’m about to therapize people on a show. I am by no means an expert or have any direct knowledge. While queer myself, i also cannot claim to be an expert of all relationships. These are just my reflections. I also don’t know how these couples were picked, and at times their gender pronouns and relationships styles were not clear. Thanks to the streaming network i’m sure, they kept things a bit too ‘easy’ to fit into boxes. It was queer love with a for-TV attractiveness lens.

Oh to be a fly on the wall….

Having said that, there is still so much to say about the show, but some of the themes that really stood up for me are a) attachment styles and how they get in the way, b) we need to lean into love, c) communication is the key ingredient to a good relationship, and d) our conflict styles can really wreak havoc on relationships.These are themes that i can get aligned with. In fact, these are hot topics in my work life and personal life both.

Attachment
One key theme in the show is the impact of attachment styles on relationships, and how they play out. In fact, if you want a quick study of attachment styles in action, this is a show to watch. If you need to get a summary of attachment styles, go to my previous article. The whole point of the show is a bit of a mind field for insecure attachment styles. For someone who has an avoidant attachment style, or more so disorganized attachment style, being given an ultimatum – forced into a relationship – is a huge red flag, or a trigger at times. At the opposite end of this continuum, anyone who has ambivalence in a relationship needs this certainty. So they’re kind of coming at it from both sides of a messy, and yet entertaining, coin.

On the attachment scale, there was clearly a most avoidant of commitment winner: Vanessa. They clearly wanted to create a villain of the show. Why do shows need them in the first place? I think that Vanessa wasn’t a villain at all, but rather someone with an avoidant attachment style who didn’t want to be tied down and was struggling with commitment issues. She also is a human having a human experience, and was clearly nervous about the experience, so a way she defended herself against vulnerability was to armour up with sass and bravado.

Knowing what our attachment style is can really make a relationship last. It allows space for context and understanding. We don’t necessarily have 1 staple attachment style for all our relationships, but there can be one that plays a default time and time again. Knowing our attachment histories and love languages together can be the missing ingredient for many a failed relationships.

Choose Love
Speaking of love languages, we need to “lean into love” as Tiff would say. It’s not always easy but it is needed to do the work. It helps partners remember what the whole point of the work is. It gets them to a shared goal and value – love is under all the mess. When we choose each other again and again, it deepens our commitment to do the work. Or at least it is supposed to. The act of love is a continued commitment, as love is a verb. In some of these relationships, that was the missing ingredient. I don’t think they knew what the work entailed or had the determination to do the hard and long journey of healing.

One thing that stood out was that some of the participants couldn’t see the person they were with, but rather the version they wanted them to be: I’m looking at you Yoli and Mal, Xander and Vanessa. Love bomb, much? These four, and Lexi, were quite entangled. This happens so much, and yet i think people get stuck in the feeling of limerance, that they get confused and hurt when the real relationship shows up.

Sometimes, you have to be uncomfortable to move through something. When we learn how to sit in the discomfort of allowing space, this is where the change happens. Otherwise, we stay stuck in the endless loop of stalemated relationships. Ha – We are threatened to become Stale Mates! This is what seemed to happen to Lexi and Rae. Or at least that’s my version of events. I’m not against Lexi knowing she wanted marriage at 24, but rather how much she dominated the energy of the room and didn’t allow space for others’ to shine.

Communication and Conflict
I have a lot of time for deep, meaningful chats. This is something i loved witnessing – the participants really shared with each other and the show what they were looking for in love and life. They really talked to each other, and especially in their quasi ‘living together’ experiments. Some have called this season boring because of all the talking, others wanted more sexual action. And this is what i found to be the gift of the show – people showing the intimacy of deep relating and attunement beyond the bed (for the most part!).

Of course, it wasn’t always sunshine and roses. A lot of arguments happened because folks would get stuck on the mantra “Live your truth”….but obviously not if it directly impacts me. I think it would help so much if folks could be more honest and direct with their non-negotiables like a dog or kid, or having a baby. This truth has to be with themselves first and foremost, but also with their partner.

Another great lesson was this: Sometimes we may be on the same side but still disagree. It’s how we hold space for ourselves and each other when we disagree that matters. We got to witness conflict between the couples, and the ways partners respond to it. I know this is where shows like this get their ‘drama,’ but in real life people would not sit on the sidelines watching people bicker. We either leave or intervene. As humans, we still have a long way to go to learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy and useful way. I so wish kids are taught this in school, as opposed to the messy real-life version on the schoolyard. Watching the couples argue on the show was at times heartbreaking, and other times i was right there with them because they were working through shit.

Sometimes a partner needs time away to cool off and self-regulate. What matters is that all parties understand this and the time needed gets shorter. The person needs to do things to self-soothe so they come back to the conversation or shared space more resourced. I am trained in Emotion-Focused Therapy for Couples, so an occupational habit of mine is to track conflict styles and cycles. I did a lot of tracking while watching this show (and let me be clear, i binge-watched a few episodes and waited impatiently for the finale) was call out folks’ conflict styles. Attack – Lexi, withdraw – Aussie, compromise – Xander.

“Those butterflies in my stomach that I thought was meeting my love of my life are actually warning signs. It was my nervous system’s way of telling me to stay away.” vania sukola

Healed People Heal People
Sam and Aussie’s relationship is especially important to watch. At times, it is hard to watch, AND it acts as a reminder that we heal in relationships. We especially heal old attachment wounds when in healthy relationships in the present. I don’t want to give you any spoilers because this is MUST WATCH TV. And yet, I think it’s important to mention that this couple worked on their relationship needs, and not just the game. They worked on creating a solid foundation within themselves first, so that the relationship stood on solid ground. They started to heal together, and did some hard work. Aussie especially did some work to unpack their past traumas. Sam, to her credit, had obviously learned Aussie’s self-regulation needs as the cues they were. She more specifically did some of her own inner work to regain her voice and sense of self. When Sam shared that she was learning how to “listen to my own voice now” – that was TV gold for me. They are a good example of what trauma-informed relationships look like. This can be a whole article on its own – the makings of a trauma-informed intimate relationship.

They were able to hold both their needs at equal importance. I am so rooting for them.

Other relationships were not so lucky. Some of the participants seemed addicted to love, and became volatile. It’s a good reminder that love on its own is not enough. We need to have our reactions tempered. One couple in fact had so much conflict in their relationship that it lead to intimate partner violence. I don’t know if this outcome happens in previous versions of the show so I want to point out any relationship and community can experience intimate partner violence, lesbian/same sex couples are not exempt from this outcome. Abuse is not about gender but rather power dynamics and a need to feel in control. It is also connected to trauma bonding that stems from intergenerational trauma and the intersections of a person’s life.

Sternberg’s Love Triangle model reminds is that a healthy relationships displays all three of these pillars: commitment, passion, and intimacy. So, here is a summary of some other key lessons: Sex is a big part of healthy relationships and time is not enough to heal wounds. Love needs to be kind, and patience is a virtue. When we are committed to the relationship, we also agree to the ongoing work that it entails.

Remember, we can learn a lot from lesbians. Sure, the show is not perfect and as a genre, it is addicted to drama. Some parts were clearly staged. And yet, it showed how honest the people were about their needs and wants. It showed healthy communication, access to deep emotions, and a rich community of people in their lives. I loved meeting participants friends and family – they clearly had their loved ones’ best interest in mind. One concern I have is that either they don’t have therapists in the background or they don’t show it. I would love for shows to actually include even just one segment what a therapy session might look like, or just support for someone when they are leaving the stage or needing to take care of themselves. Netflix if you’re looking for a reader like this, or a consultant, i happily raise my hand here.

Love/Her: Reclaiming Myself as a Sexual Mother

Posted on by

“One of the most radical things you could ever do is to decide to really and truly get to know yourself“ Cleo Wade

I recently watched the show, Sex/Life, for work research purposes of course. Wink. To be clear, i had quite a bit of thoughts about this show, and it left me feeling disappointed. Not in the heavy sex scenes (they were fun), but rather how yet again another show could have done so much better in their narrative on sexual mothers. All general critique of the show aside, i did feel compelled to share some thoughts on the depiction of women who are mothers on their journey to reclaiming their sexual self.

Let me back up and bit and share a summary, in case you don’t know the premise of the show. I don’t think this will create any spoilers as the show is more about the steamy eye candy than deep content. Billie is a mother of two young children and in a seemingly happy marriage to her type A successful husband. She left her career while still doing her PhD in Psychology, in order to be home with the kids. Before meeting her husband, she had a wild and invigorating relationship with a man. He came from an insecure attachment due to his absentee father (of course) and they had wild sex. Even though she was literally studying sexuality at school, she always presented as surprised and hesitant to do things. She was more ‘vanilla’ to his adventurous offerings in bed.

Fast forward 8 years and she is settling into her new life. She starts to have doubts and regret about the path her life has taken her on. She loves her family and yet she misses the good sex since she settled down and became a bored housewife. Her career-focused husband presents as involved and yet he seems sexually disinterested. Until one day when her sexual fantasies, both real and imagined, came flooding back. The extent of the show is all about Billie re-imagining her old relationship with her former lover and wondering if she can have it all. She is faced with this dilemma: try to accept life with her husband and children, or leave her family to pursue unfinished business and sexual escapades with the lover who left her when it got too hard for him.

Over and over again, Billie is left in this quandary of wanting more sexual pleasure and feeling guilty for it. She sees herself as a “postpartum exhausted mother of 2 version of a midlife crisis.”

This latest series again reminds us that culture shows that women’s primary role is to be caregivers and helpers, not care receivers or pleasure recipients. If we are, it is only in our rebellious and care-free youth. We are called selfish and judged harshly for it.

We need to unlink sex, love and gender to only be valid during the Maiden phase of our life. In fact, i think i am a more sexually confident woman now because i am older and have a sense of the magic my body can do.

Enter the “Initiated Woman”

I kind of like that the show included liberated and confident women, mainly seen in Billie’s best friend, who also happens to be a professor of psychology. Her character even launches a new book called The Third Way, which i can’t help but assume the creator of the show slipped in there for us viewers to ponder. That ‘third way’ is to not choose to be single and work-focused, or married with children and bored, but rather having it all and being satisfied.

Women typically are taught that our sexual desires and fantasies are not a priority, both by our partners and society at large. So we engage in code switching to make us more marriage-worthy. This allows us to be less than in order to fit in and get something out of this so-called life. We are taught that the Maiden archetype is more prestigious than the Whore and when we become Mothers, that former part of our life should become non-existent.

Fuck that.

Having children does not mean the end of our sexual identity. In fact, for a lot of us, sex is what is intrinsically tied to having babies in the first place. While not all babies are conceived this way, there is still that connection that sex leads to becoming a mother and yet we are shamed to believe that motherhood should not also be sexy. The early postpartum stage of life, though, is a season of sacrifice. It is a time to pause and learn more about our new identity as parents, as mothers. Our bodies are healing from birth, and our time is now spent learning how to keep this new child alive. Our bodies are not so apart from our babies and it’s hard to think of much else.

Plus new mothers are exhausted, overwhelmed and our hormones are literally trying to do us a favour by not getting pregnant again. I remember being so touched out by my babies when they were tiny. All i wanted was a bath to reclaim my body for myself, not to want to cuddle with my partner and give more of me out. And yet, i learned that this was the transition process to start to integrate this new identity into my full life. This is what Matresence is at its core – the metamorphosis process of becoming something new.

Can you have it all?

In Sex/Life, Billie asks herself “is it possible that the person who gives you love and safety can also give you a rush and excitement?” My answer is YES it’s possible, but not magically and without the effort of work. I know it is because that’s what I’ve established over years of partnership myself. It took vulnerability too – to first acknowledge to myself what i wanted and then to speak about this needs out loud.

Betty Friedan is known to say that we can have it all but not at the same time. So when we practice acceptance of this truth, it brings freedom from pressure. We live so many different lives in one lifetime. A lot of things give us butterflies – what that is changes over time. I am not the same vania i was at 20, or 30. I’m not supposed to be. So of course, what i find important and how I practice pleasure changes.

I have seen this past year that i have died several little deaths of myself over the years. This past year it was just more noticed, evident and celebrated even. I am stepping into my own one true Self. I’m excited about this stage in my journey. I am starting to hear that voice of Self. My goal has become to return to that one true Self. She has always been there, hiding in the shadows under duty, performance and people pleasing.

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, the present and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” Anais Nin

So what do we do about it?

One thing to start doing, if squashing the patriarchy feels a bit too big and overwhelming, is to Fantasize. Literally take time to remember your core sexual fantasies. I have shared some ways to do this in past articles HERE and HERE. Now it’s about sharing them with your partner or lovers. Speak your truth. Share your needs. Open up to the vulnerability about having fantasies.

I read recently about a key way to heal your inner people pleaser is learning to be loving instead of nice. I adore this reclamation. It so aligns with what is important to me. I don’t think our partners realize how overwhelmed, burned out, and touched out we are. We are screaming it from the tops of mountains, and it falls on deaf ears. Why? Because this system is working for those in power as is, they don’t want to hear that change is necessary. That’s why therapy has been so taboo, and that couple counselling specifically is scary for so many couples – the truth is hard to ignore once it becomes heard. So don’t be nice – be clear with your needs and love yourself. Love your partner when you have capacity and want to, versus playing that good wife role.

Another way to honour this part of you is to find ways to be feminine and have pleasure. You don’t have to identify as a woman to be feminine, but rather play with what this energy feels like. It also is not as binary as we have been taught. It’s time to femininize sex. We need to move from the old paradigm of heternormative sex as penis in vagina penetration and male orgasm as the end result. We need to slow down and have warm juicy sex. Let me again give credit to Billie for sharing that nugget of info – “coital alignment technique.” It sounds so technical, and yet it’s so helpful to get partners in sync versus racing to get to the end.

Do a Desire Discrepancy check-in – marriages fall into a rut over time and especially when we are in the throws of a new identity. This global pandemic has definitely derailed desire and intimacy. Maybe your relationship with your partner was already stale. Maybe you felt pressure (internal or by others) to redefine your relationship now that you are parents. Your identity as polyamorous, for instance might need an updated review.

These archetypes of Woman – Maiden, Virgin, Mother, Whore, Crone – are just that: stories and myths that we continue to aspire to. We do not need to have children to be born from us and raise to be in the Mother phase of our life. This time period is when we are nourishing ourselves and our community, when we are in our full self, and when we have come into our bodies. For some women, this stage is mired in trauma, shame and sadness as their journey to become mothers with children of their own was not conceived. Does this make them not members of this age-old archetype?

This time period is when we are meant to be in our ‘full bloom’ of life, when we claim our inner power and maturity. This is when we start to have things fall into place. And yet it is a messy transition, and one that is typically done alone in the shadows. This is a discredit to this seemingly powerful and wonderful reclamation.

The Woman in the Shadowy Mirror

So, we need to see our Self as human: A woman with hope, dreams and desires too. Here are some ways to do this:

Learn more about how your physical body is adjusting now that you in this Mother Stage If you have had a baby, this is especially important. It’s no surprise that new moms struggle with body image issues, when our world still values skinny white women in their Maiden stage of life. So where do the rest of us fit in? Also, take some time to understand hormones and that “new mom brain.” It is minimized and yet i think it’s something to be proud of as that brain is prioritizing things to keep the baby alive. Similarly, this early postpartum time is a chance to focus on Matresence and adjusting to the early stage of parenthood. We may already know how to be a couple but we do not know yet how do be a couple with children in tow.

Intimacy does not have to be just intercourse – it can be cuddles, slow dinners, hand holding, and that 12 second hug. It can be showers that start the day with sexy texts and love notes. Dr. Tracy Dalgleish shares some helpful tips as well – when we are feeling more like roommates who are co-parents, it’s hard to get back to feeling like lovers. It can be wearing something that helps you feel like a goddess, even if you are the only one who knows. As we know that women-identified folx with vaginas and estrogen take 30-40 minutes to be aroused, that means we sometimes have to start the process during the day. It’s not just 40 minutes of foreplay at once. Because who are we kidding, we don’t have time to wait that long these days! Our bodies are designed to prepare us. Thank the Goddess for that. This is why these smaller acts are not just teasing, but rather tantalizing and getting us turned on for later.

If you are breastfeeding/chest feeding, that can feel very non-sexy. So do simple things like change the room and scenery you are intimate in. Throw some pillows off the bed or light a candle and play a sexy song mix. Get rid of baby things for the time being – set your scene up for success. I know it feels counter-spontaneous but it helps to schedule time to do it so it’s not when your breasts are full or you just fed the baby. This helps your brain hold space for the adult part of you that wants connection.

Speaking of your body, both your healing process due to birth or previous trauma and pain can be a barrier to sex now. Your body has changed (both due to having a baby and this last year of living in a pandemic!). So make sure you take time to get support and heal it. This will have a great healing effect on your body image and self-worth. Happy as a Mother featured a great podcast recently where a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist came on to discuss this at length. Check it out here to learn more!

I know that some of what happens is in our head so we also need to address our expectations, narrative timelines, and assumptions. Maybe you have a stuck memory of walking in on your own parents when you were a kid. That image has impacted your own interpretation as a sexual parent. Or maybe it’s hard to switch gears so easily over the course of one day. It’s okay if the first few times ‘fail’ or are messy. It helps to have a self-compassionate reframe instead of being hard on yourself – maybe shift that judgemental voice of “what’s wrong with me, i used to enjoy sex” to “i know this is a journey and i will get there again.” Honour the human in you and your partner. Sex is already a vulnerable and intimate act so it helps to acknowledge the elephant in the room even when it’s in our mind.

Also, even deeper than this is if postpartum mood challenges and disorders (PMAD) are getting in the way of your desire for sexual intimacy. So, it’s helpful to learn about the signs of PMAD as there are links to low arousal and postpartum depression.

This past year has been so hard for couples and relationships in general. We may have had sufficient quantity time due to sheltering at home, but that did not necessarily increase quality time. As social creatures, we need more connection than mere physical proximity. Having a healthy relationship takes work. Luckily, there are so many resources to help you along the way. David Richo’s book How to be an Adult in Relationships shares these Five Keys to Mindful Loving – attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing. They are very aligned with the Gottmans’ concepts of Connection Bids and the Emotional Bank Deposits as well as the theory of Love Languages. Esther Perel, a renowned couple’s therapist speaks a lot about re-connection. She shares that “the quality of our life depends on the quality of our relationships” – this is social engagement theory in action. She offers fantastic workshops for couples all the time, like this recent on on rekindling desire -there is even a part on sex after having kids!

The Gottman Institute has done research on sex and intimacy after having a baby. This work is so important as it is validating and empowering to know how many relationships struggle. We assume it’s just us and this is so far from true. In heteronormative relationships though, the male partner needs further reminder that his partner has spent days and months at home with the baby so is feeling a different reality with their body, body image, drain and burn-out, and desire needs. So, he needs to lower his expectations to make them realistic – no one can switch gears this quickly; he needs to expect less and not rush partner to “bounce back,” Catastrophize when sex isn’t happening – this is a chapter of life, not the end; it helps for the non-newborn caring parent to meet the needs of the new mom so she can meet needs of baby – she is running on fumes of exhaustion. And it’s okay to relearn how to meet you own needs with self-pleasure and masturbation.

Build a new foundation as a couple who are now parents. Make time as a couple to date again. Have this in place so when your children grow, they see this time as normal – we want to share love with our partner as it sets a good example for them later in life. I love that my children see me love their dad. They even count how long our kisses are sometimes (yes they meet the 6 second requirement!)

Sex postpartum happens during a shift in hormones. It can take time to come back into balance due to feeling touched out OR a relationship concern that is bigger than new parenthood. Sometimes, one partner needs more and then will need less; dynamics change over time. Ironically, when you just spend the day being a mom with a baby, your partner was still playing the role of adult or partner even when apart. Our roles are not permanent, as they depend on what the work is. It is our values and purpose that is the constant. So remember what kind of woman/person/human/partner you want to be. What is exciting for you? What feels aligned with these old dreams that got you to this point?

Come back to your why to find your way.

At the end of season 1 of Sex/Life, Billie is left wanting more and asking herself if the person who gives you lust, thrill and excitement can also be the one that also gives you security. She worries what it may cost her – I think that we can definitely have both.

What if you could do it, all of it? Don’t underestimate or short-change yourself. This is a quiet awakening happening in the collective. You, like me, have more to offer than you think – the world is waiting for you to see that potential and for you to own it.

Come claim your seat in the re-wilding, this awakening. This is the re-awakening of embodied feminine pleasure and energy.

So yes we can have that cake and eat it too. We just have to make it first.